Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Guess That Ass

Perfect

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By KFC posted April 23rd, 2014 at 12:50 PM

Sounds Like Things Between Phil Jackson And James Dolan Are Going Just Great

Well this didn't take long

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NYDNPhil Jackson’s formidable task of rebuilding the Knicks and establishing a professional, winning culture at Madison Square Garden has already hit a familiar roadblock: James Dolan. Just one month into his role as Knicks president, Jackson has already clashed with Dolan, the chairman of Madison Square Garden, over personnel decisions, the Daily News has learned. According to a team source, Jackson is looking to remove several staff members, which is commonplace when a new administration takes over, but Dolan opposes removing certain employees. According to the source, Dolan’s reaction to Jackson’s request was to tell the 11-time NBA championship coach to simply focus his attention on building a winning team. To say that “minor friction,” as one Garden source called it, can be classified as Jackson’s honeymoon with Dolan being over may be stretching it a bit. But at the very least it proves that Dolan — surprise, surprise wasn’t being entirely truthful last month when he claimed he was “willingly and gratefully” giving up control of the basketball decisions to Jackson, the Hall of Fame coach. “In his role as president Phil will be in charge of all basketball decisions,” Dolan said after signing Jackson to a five-year, $60 million contract. Dolan made Jackson the richest executive in North American team sports history in part for his championship pedigree. And yet, Dolan is interfering with Jackson’s sincere effort to change the toxic culture of an organization that has won one playoff series in 14 years. It is unclear which employees Jackson wants to remove, but with the entire coaching staff fired on Monday, it is most likely personnel with the medical staff, front office and/or the media relations staff. Bleacher Report reported that Steve Mills, Allan Houston and Mark Warkentien could all be reassigned or possibly dismissed.

When Phil Jackson came to the Knicks, we all got excited. There was really only one name that carried enough weight to think he could turn the franchise around, and that was the Zen Master. But every Knicks fan knew that excitement came with one major caveat – Dolan had to shut the fuck up. Dolan had to stay out of the way and let Phil Jackson take complete control of this team. Everyone thought if there was one guy who could get James Dolan to take a backseat, it would be Phil Jackson. Still, it was a big time “I’ll believe it when I see it” sort of feeling.

Then they had their press conference. And James Dolan said absolutely everything he needed to say. For the first time literally ever, James Dolan sounded like a likable, competent owner and more or less promised to stay out of Phil Jackson’s affairs and let him run the show. That apparently has lasted all of like 2 weeks. I don’t know why I ever even entertained the thought of believe James Dolan. Why I ever thought he would actually stay out of the decision making process. I think I thought to myself “Not even James Dolan would pay someone 60 million dollars and interfere with them.” But that was dumb of me. Because that’s exactly something James Dolan would do. Be reckless with his money and meddlesome with his employees. Thats what he does best. Of course he’s doing it again.

And the funniest thing of all is this is like the most basic part of a new GM coming in. You clean house and bring in your own regime. From coaching to front office positions, your new president of basketball operations needs to install the guys he thinks are gonna do the best job. Herb Williams – God love him – is not going to be a part of Phil Jackson’s Knicks. Steve Mills is no longer needed if Phil is at the helm. Allan Houston – whatever the fuck it is he does – is no longer needed. This is as basic as it fucking gets and Dolan can’t help himself.

So now we’re back to square 1. Phil Jackson will probably bail after about 2 years because Dolan won’t shut the fuck up and this franchise will always suck until ownership changes. Feels good to be back. I didn’t like the uncertainty and possibility of success.

By KFC posted April 23rd, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Gamer Calls SWAT Team On Long Island Kid For Beating Him At Call Of Duty

Grandparents dying and losing at video games was like the only 2 things you had to worry about when you were a kid.

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NY PostLong Island police scrambled helicopters, emergency vehicles and an army of cops to a home where someone called in a bloody rampage on Tuesday. They arrived with guns drawn and ready for war — only to find out the call to cops was an act of revenge by a gamer whom the teen who lives inside had just beaten in an online “Call of Duty” battle. The prank caller told police over Skype that he was Rafael Castillo, 17, of Long Beach — and, “I just killed my mother and I might shoot more people,” cops said. But Castillo was only using virtual firearms in the online video game. “Some guy threatened to swat him,” Castillo’s brother Jose told The Post. “He was pissed that he had lost.” The disgruntled gamer had just been eliminated by Castillo and gave police the teen’s home address in a dangerous game called swatting, and the authorities went into full emergency mode. In the two hour standoff, authorities scrambled choppers over the house and rushed in more than 60 officers with weapons drawn — including elite members of Nassau County’s special operations unit. Fire trucks also sped to the home on Laurelton Boulevard near West Fulton Street. When cops got to the home, Castillo’s mother was in the kitchen and Rafael’s brother arrived home from lunch. “I thought there was a fire at my house. I ran up and saw my mom running out, I didn’t know what was going on,” said the brother, Jose, 21. “Then one of the police officers said somebody called and said that the mother and brother of somebody in this house was killed. I said ‘how is that possible if she’s right there and I’m right here?’” Cops tried for 20 minutes to call Rafael and get him to come out, but he had headphones on and was still glued to his video game console. “He didn’t realize anything was going on, he couldn’t hear anything,” his brother Jose said. “I told him that there’s a bunch of cops outside that are looking for you.”  Long Beach police commissioner Michael Tangney said it’s just the latest example of the “Swatting” game. “In this … bizarre world of Swatting, you get points for the helicopter, for the police cars, for the SWAT team, for the type of entry,” he told CBS. “It’s very sophisticated. Unfortunately, it’s very dangerous.

Remember how much it fucking sucked to lose at video games? I’m sure a lot of you guys are still gaming and I bet that sting never really goes away, but there was a time in life when losing at video games was like the worst thing that could happen to you. Grandparents dying and losing at video games was like the only 2 things you had to worry about when you were a kid. Didn’t matter whether it was a boss of a certain level you couldn’t beat or your friend if you were playing a 2 player game – there was an age when losing a video game was like the biggest adversity in your life. And everyone always had one friend that took it way too seriously. My cousin always used to throw the controller and accuse whoever he was playing of cheating. Had a friend named Goober who always cried every time his older brother beat him in video games. And I guess some kids now call the SWAT team and tell them you killed your mother. Some kinds just can’t handle the emotional stress of video games, man.

PS – So I guess “swatting” is like a game all in itself? Like “ha ha ha I called the police to your house?” Get points depending on how much law enforcement shows up? Its like Grand Theft Auto when you just drove around causing mayhem trying to get 5 stars except its actually real life and you’re trying to send helicopters to someones house. I swear kids are so weird these days. Whatever happened to just riding bikes and trying to get hand jobs?

By KFC posted April 23rd, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Recording MailTime Mailbox Tonight

Another edition of the MailTime Mailbox being recorded tonight from our new "studio" in Brooklyn

Aldrich_Ames_mailbox

Another edition of the MailTime Mailbox being recorded tonight from our new “studio” in Brooklyn, AKA Super Producer Puerto Rican Puff Daddy’s second bedroom. We’re just moving from my bedroom to his bedroom. Major operation we got going here. We’re taking all questions, comments, stories, theories, lessons, whatever and we’re gonna churn out a couple hours of MailTime for you. All you have to do to submit your material is click here. Don’t even need to open up an email or find us on twitter or anything. Just open this form up, type your story and press submit.

By KFC posted April 23rd, 2014 at 10:50 AM

Hey Philly – Tell Me How Carcillo’s Ass Tastes

Couldn't be more confident going into Friday.

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I’m not sure what to blog that I didn’t write yesterday. Rangers are a better team on the road? They’re gonna continue to dictate the pace of the game while Philly tried to goon it up? I even tweeted that Mason was gonna get some run. So color me not surprised with a 4-1 W. To his credit though, Wayne Simmonds wasn’t bullshitting about escalating the “chippiness”. After the Blueshirts jumped out to an early lead, he cross-checked Dorsett in the teeth for one of two power plays he was responsible for. Voracek somehow got only a roughing minor for what was basically domestic violence on pretty little Hags, and the refs missed a blatant cheap shot to Carcillo’s jaw. Then they banged him for a phantom hook on a great defensive play. No big deal though. All he did after stepping out of the sin bin was take everything orange and wipe his ass with it. I think it was Rasheed Wallace who said it best – “puck don’t lie”.

Chalk up a point for AV. If Jesper Fast was only gonna play 8-9 minutes anyway, he rightfully figured they’d get more out of those minutes from Carcillo. The knockout goal, +2, a pair of penalties – he definitely put his stamp all over the game. As for the rest of the squad, it was a great defensive effort. The Rangers hit Philly with a little Torts action, blocking 28 pucks in front of Hank who stopped 31 of 32. Marty St. Louis had a hand in their first goal and netted the game-winner which is a great sign – and if it wasn’t for Benoit Pouliot being the best Flyer on the ice in the first period negating a pair of PP’s, this game could’ve been even more lopsided. Couldn’t be more confident going into Friday & am looking forward to being at MSG to wrap up the series Sunday.

Next on the bulletin board – Claude “I’ve Got 2 Shots & 0 Goals All Series” Giroux:

CLICK HERE TO BUY

NYR

By 610 posted April 23rd, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman Who Hid A Loaded Hand Gun In Her Vagina?

They put drugs in there, they can put guns in there, I wouldn't be surprised if chicks can put a goddam coat rack up in there like Mary Poppins' bag.

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APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.  As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search. The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,” according to a Kingsport Police Department report. A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver–which is four inches in length–had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman. In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.” Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility. According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

Ahh the Vagina. Perhaps life’s biggest mystery. Its an entryway for penises, an exit ramp for human babies. Its just an open hole on the female body. It bleeds randomly. It can literally control the world when utilized properly. Empires have crumbled at the hands of the vagina.

So there’s literally nothing that a pussy can do that will surprise me anymore. They put drugs in there, they can put guns in there, I wouldn’t be surprised if chicks can put a goddam coat rack up in there like Mary Poppins’ bag. With kegel exercises and shit I’m convinced a vagina could actually eat me whole if it wanted to. Like those giant man eating flowers from Jumanji. I bet if this chick put her mind to it, she could have pulled the trigger with her pussy too. Not just smuggle the gun in there, but actually turn her pussy into a firearm like some sort of turret gun. Who knows, man. That thing will always be a mystery to me.

By KFC posted April 23rd, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Wake Up With Kelli Hutcherson

 

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (44 votes, average: 8.89 out of 10)
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By feitelberg posted April 23rd, 2014 at 9:00 AM

#Harveying Extends To The NHL Playoffs

  Ordinarily you could just chalk this up to Philly Being Philly. Classless mongoloids doing what they do best after getting smoked in the playoffs. But not tonight. Not knowing that Matt Harvey is a diehard Rangers fan: @KFCBarstool #Harveying has spread to the NHL Playoffs #Rangers #Flyers pic.twitter.com/rBCSObLu8M — Joseph Buono (@JBuono611) April 23, [...]

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Ordinarily you could just chalk this up to Philly Being Philly. Classless mongoloids doing what they do best after getting smoked in the playoffs. But not tonight. Not knowing that Matt Harvey is a diehard Rangers fan:

 

The stars aligned on this one. And I’ll give credit where credit is due, this win goes to this guy:

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There was also a Flyers fan who tried to join in with #Harveying movement with a picture in a Fly or Die shirt but he deleted it like a puss. Pretty sure he jinxed the whole thing for Philadelphia. Second star to St. Louis and third star to Nash but first star belongs to Harvey

harvey316

 

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By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 11:19 PM
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