introducing rachael from rutgers. grab her and a fat sandwich and no one is happier in the world.
The First-Ever NYC Porn Film Festival In Brooklyn Is Exactly What You’d Expect A Brooklyn Porn Festival To Be
When you hear “Porn Festival,” you probably think of something like this:
As soon as you hear “Porn Festival In Brooklyn,” however, you should immediately be prepared for this:
Some dude in Bono shades with a dick on the end of a pole and a couple of trannies. I mean when this is the guy working the door and the big entrance to the Porn Expo:
You know what you’re in store for. So without further adieu I present the Three Stars of the 2015 Brooklyn Porn Festival:
Third Star – The Straight Shooter
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Why am I at the Porn Festival? Because I’m fucking obsessed with porn, bro. Pretty simple stuff. Second Star – The Educational Porn Fan
Dont mind me. Just hear to learn how to deep throat and explore the intricacies of breast feeding porn. Guy is gonna pick up pamphlets and reading material on the way out to practice at home First Star – Doug Fister over here
If you’re a fisting lover you gotta roll with the fisting crowd. Not like a fister can just hang out with people who do regular fingering. So this is almost like a networking event for him. All the fisting you can get in the basement of some Brooklyn apartment.
In like a lion baby! Lets start off one of the best months of the year with another banger episode of KFC Radio. Theres a ton to talk about this month. St. Pats, March Madness, your boy KFC turning 30, Spring Break. The whole 9. No shortage of material so lets fire it up. Call 646-807-8665 and talk about any and all of this shit.
Time.com – The Australian government is considering changing South Australia’s time zone to align with the clocks of either Western Australia or the country’s eastern states. “South Australia’s half-hour time difference to the eastern states and 90-minute difference to Western Australia can cause confusion across the spectrum of our daily lives—from sporting fixtures to public-service administration and business transactions,” South Australia Premier Jay Weatherill said in comments reported by theWall Street Journal. But there’s another reason the government thinks the change might be a good move: avoiding TV spoilers. “Most of us have a story about spoilers—like hearing the winner of MasterChef from an interstate friend just as the finale is getting interesting on our local TV station,”reads a government website calling for citizen input. “It puts us adrift of most other Australians.” The region’s television industry is already on board. South Australia’s networks have turned in a joint statement in support of aligning with the eastern states, highlighting “the benefits of up to the minute national news and current affairs, and live social media interaction with popular programs,” according to Investment and Trade Minister Martin Hamilton-Smith. Yes, the future of Australian time zones could just come down to live-tweeting.
Good to see Australia has its priorities in order. The Continent of Convicts calling government meetings to adjust the half the country’s time zone so that the Red Wedding is spoiled for the entire West Coast. The government is by the people for the people, and what is most important to people? Their TV shows. You can spit in a persons face or hit their kid and they wont get as mad as they would when you tell them what happened on the latest season of House of Cards. Everybody knows that big budget issues and taxes and health care and shit cant really be fixed. No matter what you do as a country in those departments there’s gonna be people who have problems with your decision. But uniting your nation into one cooperative time zone – now thats something that can actually benefit your country. Thats something the entire population will enjoy. Give the people what they want! All Sunday night HBO shows start at the same time!
PS – Full disclosure, I think spoiler complaining has now reached the opposite end of the spectrum. The pendulum has swung the other direction for me. Spoiler complainers are almost as bad as the people who spoil things themselves. Last week when House of Cards dropped I tweeted out a couple things like “Frank Underwood is delivering some serious one liners in Season 3 of House of Cards.” “That scene in the Church was great.” And people were responding like “You fucking FAGGOT you would be the type to spoil this for everyone.” “Fuck you dont ruin this for me!” Like completely generic, non-spoiler tweets and people were acting like I told them what happens to Frank Underwood’s presidency or something. Imagine if that happened in real life? If you were talking with someone face to face and they were like “Season 3 of House of Cards is really great” and your response was “Go fuck yourself! Stop spoiling it for me!” Not everything is a spoiler, folks. The world does not stop and start at your convenience. Stop being children.
Poor people can listen on the Podcast One App
Quite the doozy for you today. Lotta ridiculous emails from Mailtime listeners covering a whole range of topics. Rim Job Rachel wrote in asking how she can convince guys to let her give them a…rim job. Greasy Mealisi writes in about his buddy who cried when a girl broke up with him after 2 weeks. Running 4 miles in a blizzard for a booty call, pissing your pants, getting rid of your TV and more. Its the March Mailtime Mailbox, for your consideration.
Also, yes, I know there is a ton of static. We didnt hear any until after we recorded and posted the episode. Nothing we can really do about that one, so make the best of it. Think of it like when you were a little kid and you used to watch scrambled porn. Sure it was all fuzzy and staticy and annoying, but it still got the job right? Thats todays episode of Mailtime. I may sound like one of those anti-smoking PSA people with a hole in my throat talking through a machine, but it will get the job done distracting you at work.
And yes, the braintrust producers BC and Charlie Wisco somehow ended up running an advertising promo for Mailtime on an episode of Mailtime. Really just a bang up job top to bottom by the Mailtime Team this week. Now go vote for us to win at The 2015 Podcast Awards! Go to PodcastAwards.com and vote for Mailtime under Comedy, Best Video and people’s choice.
Science Times – According to a 2010 study from the University of Oxford, big butts result in healthy children because of the high amount of Omega 3 fatty acids (the good fatty acids) stored. These are the same fatty acids that are responsible for the normal development of the baby’s brain. But according to the Chicago Tribune, scientists have proved this a long time ago, in 2007 to be precise. They noted that women with fat-bottoms are smarter than women with flat-bottoms. Again, the reason is because of the heightened storage of Omega 3 fatty acids, which improves the functionality/development of their brain. Evidence shows that the fat content in a mother’s breast milk comes from her lower half of the body, which includes her thighs, buttocks, etc. This means that the high amount of Omega 3′s becomes a part of the baby’s balanced breakfast. The high amount of Omega 3 storage could be the reason why fat-bottomed women seem attractive to men, because it becomes an evolutionary way of ensuring successful children. In the words of a common man; the reason why J. Lo seems so hot to men, is because men have a biological imperative to produce intelligent offspring.
You hear that, girls? Fat bottoms = smart, pancake ass = dumb. And not just you but your kids too. Thats science talking. Go ahead, take a look at your ass in the mirror. Does it look like this:
Then you’re smart. If it looks like this:
Then you’re stupid. Not only that but the milk in your titties is basically just Stupid Juice. Might as well just let your newborn drink beer because your milk aint got no Omega 3s and its making your kid stupider with every sip. Fat assed chicks got that magic potion milk up in their titties that basically turns your kid into Albert Einstein. Jen Selter and all these Instagram hoes should sell their breast milk to white mothers everywhere with no ass.
And I love this article that says men are instinctual attracted to women with asses because of the Omega 3 fatty acids. Bro I’m attracted to that fatty because of the way it giggles when I smack it or when its bouncing off of me. I’m attracted to that ass because I’ve seen a zillion pornos where chicks take their shorts half way off and then pull up and down on the sides to make their cheeks bounce. I dont care if its Omega 3s or 4s or 5s or 6 up in there, I’m attracted to it because I want handfuls of ass. I dont care how smart or dumb my kids are.
Now lets look at this gallery of fat asses and all get a little bit harder I mean smarter.
NY Post – It’s been so cold out there for so long that more New Yorkers are hitting the couch — in their shrinks’ offices. “It’s like the never-ending winter,” Laura Young, a Midtown therapist, lamented to The Post on Tuesday. “People are definitely having a lot of feelings about the long winter,’’ she said. “They are just down, feeling lethargic. It’s hard for them to get motivated. They’re more disappointed by things, and it’s hard to get out of the house. “People really seem to think that this year is particularly bad,” Young went on. “People definitely have this idea that the winter is never going to end. “I try to tell people that days are getting longer. I try to be positive. I don’t want to dismiss their feelings.” A worker at the high-end gadget store Hammacher Schlemmer on East 57th Street said his shop recently sold out of its $99.95 “light therapy lamp” — for the second time this winter. He said sales had tripled in the past week alone. “Lots of people have been coming in and asking about it,” he said. Karen John, a 40-year-old health-care manager at NYU Langone Medical Center, said all the white stuff has definitely increased the blues among the hospital’s patients and her co-workers. “I’m sick of the snow! We’ve had enough this year,’’ John, of Westchester, said while waiting for a train at Grand Central Terminal. “I thought it was supposed to rain today. I was surprised when I came back from lunch. “There was basically a blizzard.”
Listen I know this is easy for me to say sitting atop my ivory couch all winter, but you are a fucking pussy if you go to therapy because of the cold. I know this winter has been awful. It is truly genuinely depressing. But that doesnt mean you gotta go sit on a couch and pay hundreds of dollars an hour to talk about it. I mean how do those sessions go? “Well doc, the weather says its gonna snow again tomorrow, and I really just dont like the snow and the cold and it makes me really sad.” “I know, I hate it too. But eventually the earth’s axis will tilt toward the sun and the weather will get better because thats fucking science and it always happens every year.” End of therapy.
I mean if people from Boston were doing this it would be more understandable since they are literally buried in snow. Like trapped in their own home claustrophobia shit. Anarchy in the streets. But New York really doesnt have an excuse. Dont make us look like pussies. Newsflash – Winter is cold. The city sucks when it snows. Eventually the spring and summer will come. You dont need to go pay a therapist because you’re not getting enough Vitamin D or some shit. Sack up.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to order Seamless for lunch and go on another 72 hour indoor binge because I’m a blogger and winter doesnt effect me.