Barstool Sports

The better team won.  No doubt about it.  This Rangers group just didn’t have what it takes.  Plagued by injuries to important players, dragged down by their atrocious power play, saddled with under-performing superstars.  It just wasn’t our season.  Blame whoever you want, Torts, Richards, Sather, it doesn’t matter.  The Rangers hadn’t played like a Cup worthy team all season long and this series simply saw them at their worst.  So good luck to you, Boston.  Go kill Crosby and take a run at it.  We’ll go retool in the off-season, shift some things around I’m sure, and see you next year to get our revenge.  Our window’s still open.  You haven’t seen the last of the New York Rangers.  Now do me a favor and cue the mother fucking music…

@AmandaBynes : Don’t believe the reports about me being arrested. It’s all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. Don’t believe any reports.

Well. Here we go folks. This is it. Stage 5 Crazy. An unchartered meltdown. I thought it would take another few months to take this breakdown to the next level and it actually took about 36 hours. Claiming police officers slapped your pussy is some next level shit. She continues to impress, continues to out do herself. She’s absolutely relentless with the crazy.

And yes, if you’re wondering, I am absolutely fantasizing about slapping Bynes’ pussy

This is the one.  This is the game that if the Rangers win, it means we can really start talking about a possible run at four straight.  Because frankly speaking right now it’s just not realistic to think that the Rangers are going to win this series.  Like if anyone of us had to put all of our life savings and worldly possessions on the line for a chance at $1 billion on who would win this series, every single person would pick the Bruins.  Why would anyone bet on the Blueshirts?  They basically won the last game because Tukka was so bored he had checked out of the series and was already thinking about Pittsburgh.  They played their without a doubt worst game of the season only four days ago, and it would basically be a god damn sports miracle if they managed to rattle off three straight, two of them on the road where they’ve been notoriously awful, against a team that’s going to be playing way better than the Boston team that showed up to our Garden on Thursday.  It seems impossible.  Physically impossible.  But then again…

Before Brian Boyle rifled a wrister from the slot past Rask’s blocker midway through the third period of Thursday’s game four, I would have said a Ranger scoring a power play goal seemed impossible.  Before Chris Kreider bolted past Dougie Hamilton and managed to get his stick onto a perfectly placed pass from Rick Nash seven minutes into the subsequent extra session, winning in overtime seemed impossible.  Before the Boston Bruins became the first team to blow a three game series lead since Ford was in office, coming back from the brink of being swept seemed impossible.  So nothing’s impossible.  This Rangers team has shown glimpses of being good all season long.  They’ve shown up for short winning streaks here and there before regressing to their regular .500 selves a week later.  So is it possible that this group of under-performing hockey players can magically all click at the same time and, against all odds, spark a historic comeback by winning a hockey game tonight in Boston tonight to force a sixth in New York?  You’re god damn right it’s possible.

Anything’s possible.  Let’s Go Rangers!  @PhilOsgood

A @nyrangers win! Riding the elevator out of the garden with the beautiful @annev. And now bedtime, to get ready for @mets baseball

— Matt Harvey (@MattHarvey33) May 7, 2013

NY Post – The Mets phenom might have allowed a single White Sox baserunner to foil a pitching gem earlier this month, but he was absolutely stellar last night at the Rangers contest where he snuggled up to his new girlfriend, 26-year-old supermodel Anne Vyalitsyna. “A @NYRangers win! Riding the elevator out of the garden with the beautiful @AnneV. And now bedtime, to get ready for @Mets baseball” Harvey tweeted on May 6th, right before he got the stunner’s phone number. The two have been dating ever since, according to US Weekly. The 5’9 Vyalitsyna, known as “Anne V” in the fashion world, has appeared in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for the last nine years and has also modeled for Victoria’s Secret. She dated “Maroon 5″ singer Adam Levine from 2010-2012 and has also been romantically linked with “True Blood” star Alexander Skarsgard in the past. Apparently the blond beauty has put those other suiters behind her, because she was seen wrapped in Harvey’s arms while the pair watched the Rangers beat the Bruins in an OT thriller.

Life is not too shabby for Matt Harvey huh? Didn’t take very long for him to make the jump from rookie stud to franchise pitcher banging out supermodels. This right here is a massive moment for New York sports. Because up until now, for the past 15 years if you asked “which New York athlete would you want to be?” Derek Jeter was pretty much the undisputed, heavyweight champ. Unanimous choice. Absolutely no doubt about it. And if we’re being perfectly honest, if the debate is still which guy would you wanna be for the next 24 hours, Philip Sanderson still gets the nod.

But if the question is which New York athlete are you buying stock in?, which New York athlete do you want to be for the next 15 years? my man Matt Harvey is a blue chip, buy buy buy, choice. Dude is gonna be a top 5 pitcher in baseball. Probably already is. Packs a lip, lets his nose pour with blood, pitches absolute filth every 5th game, and consumes batters and smokeshows with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. He tweets about meeting Victoria’s Secret/SI models in the elevator and a week later he’s dating them. He’s an absolute savage. And for the next decade-plus, he’s going to dominate this city and any broad of his choosing. The only other competition he has as far as “which NY athlete would you buy stock in?” is John Tavares. But New York will always remain a baseball town and because of that Harvey is the choice. Pretty absurd though that the 2 brightest stars for the foreseeable future in this city come from the Mets and the Isles.

PS- There’s only one man in this world I know that could handle dating a chick who previously hooked up with Adam Levine and Alexander Skarsgard, and thats Matt fucking Harvey. I’m not trying to sound gay but the fact that he’s dating Anne V after those guys is indisputable proof that, along with a disgusting fastball and a downright offensive slider, he has an absolute hammer hanging between his legs.

Introducing the hottest players in the Lingerie Football League.  These chicks are ruthless.  Coaches threatening to smash their faces in, chirping all game, laying hit sticks and promptly shaking their ass on the dead bodies.  I’m kind of scared of these chicks, and extremely turned on.

Its a running tradition here at Barstool New York to take you into the first weekend of summer with the most glorious depiction of the Jersey Shore. The evolution, or devolution, of everyone’s favorite summer spot. From Wildwood Boardwalk, progressing to Guido Beach, and the most recent, Modern Day Seaside Heights, its officially summer when we post this on the Stool. Now I know everyone around here is pretty bummed that the weather blows and it doesn’t feel like summer at all. But here’s all you need to remember:

The sun doesn’t need to be shining in order to get fucked up and bang out some randos. That kinda shit can be done rain or shine.

So enjoy your weekend wherever you may go. The Hamptons, Jersey Shore, Nantucket, whatever. Don’t let some clouds ruin one of the best weekends of the year.

Alright you jackals, here are your comments of the week. Actually a pretty good batch. I would have searched harder for more but it’s the Friday before Memorial Day Weekend and I’ve been busy doing curls for the girls in front of the mirror, so here’s what I came up with. Like I’ve said before, you may be a strange, deviant bunch, but occasionally you shine.

Porn Stars Can’t Open Bank Accounts

Commenter: shitywok – Chick sits in front of a webcam all day and darts her mitt for cash. I’m not a banker but I respect that.

“Darts her mitt” is one of the funniest ways I’ve ever heard to describe a chick masturbating. It’s almost like secret code. You could drop that in casual conversation and nobody would know what you’re talking about, and that’s why it’s so perfect.

Star Trek Apologizes For Alice Eve In Her Underwear 

Commenter: bungholesurfer – New low in my life. Bathroom at work was out of order today so they brought in a porta-potty for us to use. Saw this video of Alice Eve and thought about jerking it in the Male/Female port-potty P.S. – By thought about it, I mean I did it.

This one holds a special place in my heart because when I worked construction I used to beat off in the porta potty all the time. Top 3 most disgusting things a human can do. Like almost to the point where anyone who does it should get a psychiatric evaluation. Just shows the power of the male sex drive I suppose. Sometimes you just need to pound your dick to completion in a filthy plastic shit box.

How Much Pussy Would You Get If You Owned Crisp P Bacon The Wheelchair Pig

Commenter: tvdefrancesco - I always wanted to get head from a girl in electric wheelchair. She’d just open her mouth and move the joystick back and forth

Sex with handicapped girls is always an entertaining topic of conversation, and imagining getting your dick suck by a broad just toggling her electric wheelchair joystick back and forth is an A+ fantasy. Best part about it would be busting your nut and being like “well I gotta go. I’d invite you but the place I’m going isn’t wheelchair accesible. See ya.”

Charles Ramsey Gets Free Burgers For Life

Commenter: cantgetthestinkout - Because he’s black I bet that he finds a way to use up his “free burgers for life” deal before he dies.

I’ll be honest. I’m not 100% sure what this means. All I know is that it’s racist and it made me laugh. Best I can explain it.

Prague Creating Singles Only Trains

Commenter: pittsburgh1425 - The best is when a chick is standing on the platform at a spot where two trains meet, and she has to pick the car to her left or to her right. If she picks the car that you are walking in, she is DTF. It’s science.

I think this exact same thought every time I get on the train. Like she chose my side, she obviously wants the dick. Science indeed.

Commenter: pittsburgh1425 – My AOL chatroom game was on point. I didn’t just ask for “a/s/l,” I was asking “a/s/l/pics?” If you got a “15/f/pa/yes,” the pants came directly off.

Man did this bring me back. The good old days of trading pics in lesbian chatrooms, a/s/l all day just knowing you were talking to guys but it didn’t matter as long as they delivered with the goods. (Two A+ comments on one blog, gold star)

Lost Actress Playing Jodi Arias

Commenter: jimmy franchise – she looks like a fierce little minx. the type of chick that would totally laugh at my dick if i showed her it

Self deprecating is often the best kind of humor. And doesn’t it suck when you see an absolute next level smokeshow and your first thought is “Nope, I could never handle that.” Depressing, but all we can do is laugh I suppose…

Dishonorable Mentions:

1. imtough

Zero good comments this week.

I love an underdog! With a score of 5.65, contender Floppy has officially dethroned Mermaid Amber for the GTA Title! It was a tight match, but that ass just wouldn’t be denied. It’s too dominant. Too perfect. Too heavenly. It’s what ass dreams are made of.

So congrats to Floppy, the new champion. Viva la Argentina! Viva la Stool!