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Remember when everywhere from New York over to Detroit experienced the Blackout for like 24 hours? Thats basically exactly whats goin on right now. Except instead of just some measly power outage, we’re talking about the greatest party tour in the fuckin world. Right now you can buy tickets to Blackouts ranging from Boston to Chicago and everywhere in between. Its Blackout America, folks. Get involved.

Marist – Thursday 2/16 at The Chance (Buy Tickets)

Monmouth – Wed Feb 29th at Stony Pony (Buy Tickets)

BU – Saturday -  3/31 at HOB (Buy Tickets)

Detroit – Thursday 4/26 at Andrews Hall (Buy Tickets)

Chicago – Saturday – 4/28 at HOB (Buy Tickets)

(CN) – Two teenage waitresses at a Wisconsin IHOP were sexually harassed by their manager, who said he would like to have sex with one girl “over pancake batter,” but may not be able to recover damages from the restaurant’s HR firm. Katrina Shisler and Michelle Powell worked at an International House of Pancakes (IHOP) in Racine, Wisc. in 2005.  At a jury trial, Shisler testified that Gutierrez made sexually charged comments to her including, “I want to take you in the back and fuck you over the pancake batter,” and “I bet you’re kinky.” She said Gutierrez propositioned her “for three-way sex with his (allegedly) bisexual girlfriend,” according to the judgment. (Parentheses in ruling.) When Shisler reported the harassment to the general manager, Michelle Dahl, she said she was told that it was “none of her concern” and “we’re done here.” Powell testified that Gutierrez often pulled her ponytail and told her that she “liked it because she would like sex rough.” She said he took her into a storage area and pressed himself up against her while telling her that he “would like to do her from behind.”

So are these the type of articles Knockout Barstool is talking about? For those of you out of the loop, there’s a new movement started by people with no sense of humor called Knockout Barstool that claims we’re rapists. Its pretty much completely comprised of feminists and Occupy hippies who think that because we joke about chicks and banging broads and stuff that we support rape.

So I figured this is a perfect example of what they’re talking about. Ordinarily my blog would go something like this:

Not for nothin but can you blame this IHOP owner? Who wouldn’t wanna fuck a chick over some IHOP pancake batter? I can’t even figure out what the best part of that would be – the sex or the delicious ingredients of a Cinnastack or a Rooty Tooty Fresh And Fruity Stack. Its like Costanza combining pastrami and sex. The ultimate aphrodisiac. Especially for a guy who already has a bisexual girlfriend. I mean when you’re having threesomes on the reg with your girl, sometimes you gotta take it up a notch to keep things spicy. And for this particular guy that takes the form of sex and thin flat starch based cakes. I don’t know about yanking on her ponytail and all that jazz, I’m just saying any red blooded American man wouldn’t mind lubing up with some IHOP pancake batter.

And thats where “Knockout Barstool” comes in and says I promote “rape culture.” First of all let me just say that any group out there coming up with catch phrases like “rape culture” are ten times scarier than a simple minded smut peddler like myself. And secondly if you think me writing a blog about combining IHOP and sex is gonna encourage rape you’re flat out nuts. This blog may make people crave a stack of pancakes, but it ain’t forcing anyone to to commit sexual assault. That just ain’t how the world works, folks. I sincerely promise you if you’re trying to put an end to rape, there are better ways to spend your time then coming after Barstool Sports. But I secretly hope you don’t because stuff like this is blogging gold.

Origin of My ASG Idea – The only thing that annoys me more than this flat, passionless game played once a year in front of a flat, passionless audience is people ripping on it without proposing a better alternative.  So what’s my idea? No more All-Star Game.  Instead, an All-Star Tournament.  Hear me out on the logistics…

- 8 mini-teams (comprised of 6 players and a goalie) play a knockout tournament of 8-minutes-max, full ice, 3-on-3 hockey games.  Fantasy draft the teams with fan-voted captains and all the sudden the pre-skills event, already fishing for storylines more interesting than “who gets picked last?”, gets a shit-ton more dynamic.  An absolute must: one captain should be last year’s Calder winner, who will lead the Young Stars, aka “Team Cinderella”, against the established pros.

- The nobody-gives-a-shit build up to the game actually takes on a whole new life with the mini-touney set up. All the sudden, home fans (who will undoubtedly stuff the ballot and vote at least 3 of their players in a a now meaningless “starter” role) are fractured based on their favorite captain and who he’s selected.  There’s more to contemplate pre-tourney, like the bracket drawing for instance and what strategy the captains will take in selecting their teams.

- Instead of losing interest 15 minutes into a 9-4 game, fans would be compelled to watch by their slight desire to see who wins it all.  Audience attention is recycled into much smaller segments, ensuring it doesn’t burn out during the second period of this traditional snooze-fest.  We want to see a champion, a winner at the end of it who can walk away with actual pride in their still-meaningless victory. In the nobody-really-loses Game we’ve got going now, us fans certainly aren’t coming out on top.

Yeah, no big deal, just invading NBCSN with my revolutionary All-Star idea, changing pro sports from my couch like a boss.  If Mike “Blueshits” “Shoe Head” Milbury likes it, you KNOW it must be a good idea (cough, drafting DiPietro, cough).  And make no mistake about where he got this notion from – there’s less than a month and only one small degree of seperation in between my words and his brain.  The dude’s basically sparknoting my entire post until the suits behind the scenes tell him it’s time to move on.  Look at his passion!  Look at his fury!  “It SUCKS right now!”  Preach, brotha, preach!  With this bad-ass broadcaster lobbying in my corner, there’s no chance this idea isn’t reality by 2015.

Literally every craptastic aspect of the current format turns into straight fire upon my revision.  Fans get more interested, the league makes more money.  It’s a cha-ching sure thing, Mr. Bettman, unlike hockey in Arizona.  The game is already lambasted for being a gimmicky scrimmage that rarely resembles what the sport is all about, so why not embrace the gimmick full on?  With an average score line more reminiscent of a bad football game, it’s not like we’re sacrificing purity here.

So when the NHL announces someday soon that their All Star Event will transform from the flat, boring gimmick of a game it is now into a 3-on-3 knockout tournament consisting of 8 fantasy-drafted mini-teams captained by fan-voted starters, you can all thank yours truly for thinking in pure gold.  Just par for the course Barstool Sports – secretly running pro-leagues from behind the scenes like the goddamn Illuminati or something.  Today NBCSN, tomorrow the league… @Osgood_StoolNYC  #revolutionASG

Daily Mail – Taco Bell, the fast-food chain that caters to late-night snacking, is making a play for the breakfast crowd. The Mexican-style restaurant chain introduced a breakfast menu Thursday at almost 800 restaurants, mostly in nearly a dozen Western states.  The rollout adds to the scramble among fast-food heavyweights competing for the morning allegiance of on-the-go consumers. The chain’s breakfast staples include burritos stuffed with eggs and either sausage, bacon or steak; sausage and egg wraps; hash browns; hot or iced coffee; and orange juice. Stores will open their doors and drive-thrus at least one hour earlier to serve breakfast. For most, that means an 8 or 9 a.m. opening, with breakfast ending at 11 a.m. local time.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love breakfast food. I order diner food for dinner like once a week. I’ll eat it around the clock. And McDonald’s breakfast is one of my all time favorite meals. Sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit with a crispy hashbrown is one of the best fast food meals the world has ever seen.

But if I’m stepping through the doors of a Taco Bell, and I’m gonna endure all the good and all the bad that comes along with consuming Taco Bell, I want a cheesy gordita crunch. Period. Doesn’t matter what time of day it is. Doesn’t matter what meal I am eating. If I’m gonna suffer through the Taco Bell shits, I better get my moneys worth. Its like waiting on the Shake Shack line and getting a hot dog. Makes no sense. I mean I don’t doubt that a sausage egg and cheese burrito wrap is good. But all I’m saying is its probably not worth the explosive diarrhea at 10 in the morning.

PS – Those Cinnabon Bites look fucking delicious. I don’t know whether to eat them or stick my dick in them

Craigslist – I *desperately* need to learn about football between now and next week’s Super Bowl game. Preferably from someone who was a quarterback in college or the pros, but at the very least someone who knows a lot about quarterbacks.

My girlfriend and I were just invited to a Super Bowl party at her ex-boyfriend’s apartment, and to be honest, last time I met him he told me he played football in college and I responded that I did as well –which was a lie.

I don’t know why I lied, I guess I just panicked and wanted to impress my girlfriend. Anyway. He asked me what position I played and I told him I played quarterback because that was really the only position I’d heard of.

I really don’t know anything about football except for the fact that touchdowns how you score points and sometimes you kick the ball. I’ve been reading articles on ESPN.com and watching clips online but I don’t think it’s going to prepare me for questions about actually playing it, or for making good comments during the game. So I need someone who can *quickly* teach me about all of things I would have learned playing football as well as what to say about it.

This person MUST be available each day between now and the Super Bowl game (February 5, 2012), some time between 7-9pm on weekdays or afternoons on Saturday.

This is really important to me. I think my girlfriend still really likes her ex and when we first started dating she cheated on me a few times with him, so I really can’t risk looking like an idiot in front of both of them.

Oh, also, her ex played “linebacker.” Should I know a lot about playing “linebacker” too? Do quarterbacks normally know about that? I definitely will need to learn all the positions and what they do, but it might help for me to learn something from a “linebacker,” if you know one.

Seriously, this is really important. My girlfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch now and she keeps threatening to move out. I’m afraid if I get caught lying about this our relationship is over.

I’m offering $500, but would be willing to go higher if you’re an actual college or professional football quarterback, and would pay extra if you knew a linebacker you could bring along to teach me about his position.

And if you would be willing to text me good comments to say during the game, I’d to pay you an extra $100 for that. Maybe more if they’re good comments.

Please contact me IMMEDIATELY via email if interested.

Hey bud here’s what I’m gonna do for you. Gonna give you some off the field advice thats gonna work wonders for you. More than some X’s and O’s talk ever would.

Anybody who played quarterback in college wouldn’t be worried about some skank floozy gettin plugged by her ex boyfriend. Quarterbacks “score the touchdowns” and they plow bitches. You wanna convince everyone you played QB in college? Kick that skank to the curb in the middle of this Super Bowl party. Find the hottest bitch at that party, shove your tongue down her throat and maybe slip a finger down the crack of her ass. Announce to the whole party that your girlfriend gives bad head and farts during her sleep. Scoop up a bite of buffalo chicken dip that your girlfriend undoubtedly brought, tell her to suck on your ballsack and bounce. Have all her shit in boxes outside your apartment when she gets home.

Boom. Everyone at that party will be whispering “I wonder where that guy played college ball??”

I guess Margot is on that show Pan Am about slutty stewardesses? Thought that got cancelled a while ago. Oh well, looks like sex sells and Margot kept it afloat. Not as many bikini and lingerie photos as usual, but I’ll be damned if this girl isn’t stunningly beautiful.

Send tips to @jfeitelberg or feitelberg@barstoolsports.com

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Introducing Katie from Marist. Tickets for the 2nd Marist Blackout at the Chance go on sale TOMORROW at noon. Here’s a run down of all the other Blackout Tour tickets going on sale then too:

Ticket sales go live at NOON tomorrow

Marist – Thursday 2/16 at The Chance (Buy Tickets)

Monmouth – Wed Feb 29th at Stony Pony (Buy Tickets)

BU – Saturday -  3/31 at HOB (Buy Tickets)

Detroit – Thursday 4/26 at Andrews Hall (Buy Tickets)

Chicago – Saturday – 4/28 at HOB (Buy Tickets)