50 Things Women Want

Daily Mail - It is said the best things in life are free. And it would appear that still rings true for many women. Cuddles and compliments are at the top of a list of 50 things that make a woman feel good. But splashing out on a lady won’t go amiss; being bought flowers and presents are some material things that they enjoy. They also get a buzz from treating themselves to a bargain, or pushing the boat out for new perfume or sexy underwear. Eating cheese, buying a new nail varnish, having clean teeth and shopping for a bargain also put girls in a good frame of mind, the study found. Having time for a jolly good chat with their friends and unexpectedly fitting into an outfit they thought was too small also makes them smile. The top of the list includes compliments about what they are wearing or how young they look. A spokesman for Sainsbury’s, which commissioned the ‘feel-good factor’ poll of 2,000, said: ‘In January, we all need a pick-me-up but as this survey shows, it doesn’t need to cost the earth. ‘With the average female stating she feels good in what she is wearing for just three days a week perhaps a few more surprise compliments, alongside tucking into a good camembert and a good book could brighten the winter months no end.’ The survey results included some interesting revelations  about the things that really make women tick.

50 things. 50 fucking things. 50 shades of shit broads want. I don’t think I could name 50 things I want right now if I tried. Here’s a list of the shit dudes want:

1. Blowjobs

2. Buffalo wings

3. A straight son

4. Ability to dunk a basketball

5. Control of the TV remote.

6. More blowjobs

And thats it. I’m sure you can expand a little bit but in its most basic form we want rocks, food, athletic ability, television, and no daughters. Thats the desires of the male gender in a nutshell really. If you could sign for that at age 13 everyone man on the planet would take it. But here we have chicks – parading around asking for fuckin unicorns and ponies and shit. I mean look at some of the stuff on this list. #2 is comfortable underwear and 3 goddam spots later is sexy underwear. Make up your mind you fickle bitches! You want granny panties or permanent wedgies? “Recycling clothes?” What does that even mean? Like wearing hand me downs? Oh yea thats RIGHT at the top of my list for things I want from the world. “A child thank you for having them to tea?” I’m just gonna go ahead and chalk that up to some weird British thing since this is from the Daily Mail because that shouldn’t even crack your top 50,000,000,000 of things you want. “Eating cheese” and “Watching a DVD set” is about the only thing on this list I can get down with. And wearing sexy underwear.

PS – “Winning a debate” may be the single biggest difference between a male and female list. I don’t give a fuck about “being right” or “winning a debate” anymore. I will let chicks think they are right 100% of the time as long as that results in them shutting the fuck up faster.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 12:50 PM

17 Month Old Happy Gilmore Just Killing It

Either teach this kid how to skate so he can play hockey, or teach him how to putt so he can play golf. Because he’s flat out the next Happy Gilmore.

And maybe throw a helmet on him or some shit. Kid bound to take one off the skull soon.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 4:50 PM

How Much Greatness Can You Fit Into One Photo?

There’s a 50% chance MJ was like “Who’s this lesbian?” and Biebs was like “Who’s this old black man?” and neither of them have any idea how ridiculous this picture is.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow of the Day – Lindsay

Introducing Lindsay from Ocean, New Jersey. Jersey girl who goes to school in South Carolina. Best of both worlds right there, folks. Its like she’s a local girl but has probably turned into a little bit of a southern belle.

I need more smokes because Zuckerberg is making it impossible to friend chicks and message them these days. So for every like 10 nominations I get I can only reach a couple. So if you do the math, that means in order to fill up 4 smokes a week I need approximately 50,000 nominations. So email me with a handful of facebook links so I can hopefully get through to a couple. KFC@Barstoolsports.com

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

OT Hat Trick Alert – Gabby Powers Rangers First Win

It’s raining hats at the Garden! Gaborik had the touch of a champion tonight with two of his three goals batted straight out of mid air, and Nash looked like he could break Bruins ankles at will out there. This first line with Richards is absolutely frightening. Every team in the east should be scared shitless to face that line every time they hit the ice. And they may need to score 6 goals a night if Hank keeps this inconsistency going. I mean he kinda handed Boston the loser point tonight; he looked slow and sluggish on the B’s goals but at other times almost looked mid-season solid. Oh well, maybe he’s just depressed since he had a daughter this summer and we all know what a curse that is.

First win down, worked hard for it against a good Bruins team and got revenge for opening night. Next up, keeping Philly winless. LGR, @Osgood_StoolNYC

By Osgood posted January 23rd, 2013 at 10:36 PM

Homeless Dude Commits Suicide Running Head First Into The Side Of The Subway

NY Post - A homeless man was killed when he ran head-first into the side of a northbound 2 train yesterday as it barreled into the Times Square station during the morning rush hour, police said. Witness Antonio Garcia, who was standing on the uptown platform at around 10 a.m., said he saw the suicidal man wait for the first car of the Broadway express to pass him before he threw himself head first into the side of the train. “He didn’t want to jump in front of the train. He didn’t want the guy to stop,” Garcia said. Police said the man had no ID and appeared to be in his 30s or 40s.

I can’t blame this bum one bit. If I was homeless during this weather I’d run my head directly into the 2 train also. Its 11 fucking degrees! How are you supposed to be homeless during this weather? I’d absolutely kill myself too. Either that or I’d walk to Florida. Never understood why homeless people don’t head south for the winter like birds.

But more importantly what in the fuck is going on in the subways? Whether its been suicides, murders, or mistakes, there’s been like a dozen deaths in the subway in the past 2 months. The Asian dude that got thrown on the tracks. The dude taking a shit in between cars.  The guy rolling around drunk who got his pelvis destroyed. One dude the other day was napping underneath the platform and just got his fucking leg chopped off. The list goes on and on. Its like the subways are cursed or something. Its like The Happening where everyone is poisoned and just walking off cliffs and killing themselves and shit. Straight up there’s no explanation for this.

PS – How about this dude running into the side of the train? I honestly wouldn’t think that would be enough to kill you. Thought it would just be more of like running head first into a wall. Oh well. The More You Know.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Arrested For Doing Illegal Butt Injections?

Florida – A Florida man is facing charges of unlicensed practice of health care causing serious bodily harm after he injected silicone into at least two patients’ buttocks at a motel room, according to a Palm Beach Sheriff’s Office arrest report obtained Wednesday. Calvin Edward Butler, 44, also known as Tamieka Butler, performed the injections at El Patio Motel dating back to June 2012, the report said. The first alleged victim, a woman, told detectives in December that she received injections from Butler at the motel four times between September and October, the report said. With the victim lying down, Butler would pour out a clear liquid from a Pedialyte bottle, telling the woman it was sterile silicone, the report said. After pouring the liquid into a plastic cup, he filled syringes from the cup which he used to inject into the woman’s buttocks, the report said. Once the injections were complete, Butler would clean any blood or fluid from the skin and use Krazy Glue on the incisions, the report said. The woman was charged $200 per injection session.

I’m not just using that as my title because its a Barstool shtick. I’m asking you. Does that really look like a man? A woman? Calvin Butler? Tamieka Butler? What the fuck is going on here? From the eyes down, bitch looks like Tony Gwynn with those cheeks:

From the eyes up she just looks like a normal black chick. Bottom line is whether its a dude or a chick you probably shouldn’t let anyone fill up your ass with Pedialyte and seal you up with Krazy Glue. I’m actually surprised that every year theres 1 or 2 stories like this. The Jersey Girls that got their asses filled with caulk in 2010. The transgender pumping asses full of Fix A Flat in 2011. And now we have this tranny Tony Gwynn pumping up asses of Pedialyte silicon. Apparently that list of 50 Things Women Want needs to revised to include fat asses because you bitches will do anything to get that bubble butt.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Man Arrested For Huffing Tries To Eat Police Taser Cords, Bends Over And Spreads His Cheeks Asking Officers “Who Wants Some?”

Arlington – A disturbance at the Phoenix House on the 500 block of N. Quincy Street prompted a call to police late Monday night, when a resident allegedly became out of control while huffing a chemical. According to police, two roommates at the Ballston-based substance abuse treatment center alerted a resident adviser that their roommate had been acting erratically and their room was in disarray. When the resident adviser arrived in the room, the subject was wearing only a t-shirt and had a sheet over his head while allegedly huffing disinfectant spray. The resident adviser called police because the subject was reportedly hissing, speaking in tongues, shaking uncontrollably, trying to eat coins and had attempted to set his mattress on fire. Police say when they arrived and tried to speak with the 18-year-old man, he was naked and still attempting to eat coins. Officers tried taking the man into custody but he didn’t cooperate. The officers gave him a warning but he continued to stay on all fours and growl at them, so they successfully tased him and handcuffed him, according to a police spokesman. The man then attempted to eat the Taser cords, we’re told. Police say once they managed to handcuff the man, the naked subject bent over with his hands still behind his back, and according to the police report “spreads his anus open and proclaims, ‘Who wants some?’

I love stories like this. I love them because they make me feel better about myself. Sometimes I feel like a real piece of shit. Out of shape. Eat like garbage. Never exercise. Always drinking. But all that pales in comparison to a dude already in rehab huffing paint, eating coins and offering up his asshole to police officers for sex. I’m a goddam model citizen compared to this dude. Like no matter how fucking boozed up I was I’d never consider huffing an aerosol can. Thats something for homeless people and hillbilly teenagers. And as far as I know, I’ve never bent over, spread my cheeks and proclaimed “Who wants some?” Unfortunately I probably can’t say that with 100% certainty but I’m pretty fucking sure I haven’t done that. So its just a nice breath of fresh air to read a news story and be able to unequivocally say – “I’m a better person than you.” And yes I realize I’m setting the bar pretty fucking low here but every little bit helps.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Kevin Youkilis Won’t Return Joba Chamberlain’s Phone Calls

BOSTON (CBS)It’s only January, but the Yankees already have some drama for their clubhouse. According to the New York Daily News, reliever Joba Chamberlain called his newest teammate, Kevin Youkilis, to welcome him to the team. The two have a history of some bad blood on the field, so the 27-year-old Chamberlain was likely trying to be proactive in taking the first step to mending that relationship now that the two are teammates. “It was just, ‘I’m glad you’re on our team, glad you’re on our side and I look forward to seeing you and hopefully we can win one over here for the good guys,’” Chamberlain told the paper of the nature of his message for Youk. There’s just one problem: Youkilis hasn’t called Joba back. “No, not really,” Chamberlain told the newspaper when asked if he was surprised about Youkilis’ silent treatment. “I’m bound to run into him at some point, sooner rather than later. We’ll see what happens. We’re grown men.”

Aw how cute! Its like I’m watching an episode of Gossip Girl or Mean Girls or something. Next thing you know Youkilis is gonna call Joba fat and pull his hair. Then Joba will post something mean on facebook and Kevin Youkilis will tweet out some Taylor Swift lyrics about how they are never gonna be friends.

Big off season for the Yankees! A bunch of short term contracts for old ass dudes and the biggest news is a cat fight between a couple washed up has-beens. Over the course of like 1 month the goddam Blue Jays added an entire pitching rotation including a Cy Young winner and a 1-2 punch at the top of their order, and the Yankees are pinching pennies like Wilpon took over. I mean you look around the diamond and aside from Robbie Cano, 200 singles from Jeter, and a handful of home runs from Granderson and Tex, what does this team have to offer? Its gonna be a long season of more empty seats at Yankee Stadium if this is the team they’re gonna trot out.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Forget About Selena Gomez And Those Sluts In Spring Breakers, The Fckin Foam Tour Is Invading Panama City Beach

So the internet has been buzzing the past few weeks about this new movie “Spring Breakers” where a bunch of hot chicks run around in neon bikinis wreaking havoc partying. Um, thats pretty much every single Blackout and Foam party we throw. I think we invented that shit. Should probably get royalties off whatever that movie grosses.

I guarantee the video Gaz whips up after Fckin Foam in Panama City Beach is gonna be better than this Selena Gomez movie. It will probably go straight to YouJizz because of what goes on a PCB. I mean you guys have seen the other trailers – chicks in fucking Buffalo and Poughkeepsie in the dead of winter are borderline naked and having sex – imagine those girls in a spring break setting? Forget about it. Its gonna make this gallery look like child’s play.

TICKETS ON SALE NOW:

MARCH 11 

MARCH 18 

Two shows.  Both at the Boardwalk Beach Resort in Panama City Beach. And all the following schools have spring break these weeks: Rutgers, MiamiU, Coastal Carolina, ESU, UMASS, UCONN, Towson, UNH, and USC. Thats like a who’s who lineup of Blackout MVPs.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Family Group Says The Kate Upton Mercedes Commercial Is Too Racy

Daily Mail- The new Kate Upton Mercedes-Benz ad slated to run during the Super Bowl sure has made a lot of people hot and bothered. A 90-second trailer was posted on the internet Tuesday and some have criticized it for being too racy while others have taken to the web to vent their frustrations that the most recent Sports Illustrated swimsuit covergirl doesn’t show enough skin.  A spokeswoman for the Parents Television Council told the MailOnline that the car commercial ‘isn’t selling cars, it’s selling sexual objectification’ while disgruntled viewers think they don’t see enough of Upton. ‘This ad [reinforces] for millions of wives, daughters and sisters across the country that you use your sex appeal to get what you want,’ the spokeswoman said.  ’If anything, this ad proves that we’ve regressed rather than progressed over the last several years. ‘ ’People will always try to push the envelope,’ Charlie Warzel at Adweek told ABC News.  ’But at the end of the day, they’re going to want to make this sexually suggestive but also family friendly, and there’s a real balance there.’

Uhhh. What fucking planet am I on right now? The feminists of the world are complaining about this commercial? As far as I’m concerned this is the biggest victory ever for feminists. Mercedes has chosen a fully clothed plus sized model to be their spokesperson at the Super Bowl. Pushing the envelope? Sexual objectification? I’ve seen episodes of the Golden Girls that were hotter than this shit. Its the worst attempt at sexual objectification I’ve ever seen. I was ready to declare the feminists the winners after seeing this garbage and they are still coming out swinging complaining about shit.

I used to have to do a preemptive up-tuck of my dick during Super Bowl parties in case a GoDaddy commercial came on. I straight up masturbated to Jessica Simpson washing the Dukes of Hazzard car. And now we get some rectangle standing around watching dudes doing the scrubbing and its still too sexual for the moms and the dykes? How greedy can these feminist bitches be?

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Study Reveals Condoms Don’t Make Sex Less Enjoyable

MSNThere goes that excuse: Condoms don’t make sex less enjoyable for either men or women, a new study has found. Americans ages 18 to 59 who completed an online questionnaire about their sex habits consistently rated safe sex to be equally “highly arousing and pleasurable” as unprotected sex. The nationwide study also found that men had no trouble maintaining erections while putting on condoms and that many women couldn’t perceive the difference between lubricated and nonlubricated condoms in the heat of the moment. If you have any other objections to safe sex, these experts would probably be happy to shoot those down, too

And this study is the most incorrect study of all time. Everything mentioned in this description is completely and utterly false. As highly arousing and pleasurable as unprotected sex? For sure not. No trouble maintaining erections with condoms? If I’ve had a few beers and a chick pulls out a condom I’ll need a splint to get that thing inside her. Women couldn’t perceive the difference between lubricated and non lubricated? Bull fucking shit. Non lubricated condoms are like covered in baby powder and deodorant. Its like trying to fuck with sandpaper wrapped around your dick. Any chick who says she can’t tell the difference has just never had sex. Its like the 40 year old virgin talking about tits feeling like bags of sand. They just don’t know what it feels like.

And thats just the beginning. What about the smell? The noxious fumes of rubber mixed with lube and vagina is enough to knock a man out mid-session. When the condom gets bunched up and smushes your dick into a chode? Miserable. And honestly after I’ve busted a nut the last, last, LAST thing I wanna deal with is a stinky rubber full of semen. The reservoir tip just dangling off my dick like the line on a fishing pole. Thats not hot for her or me. Plain and simple this study was comprised solely of virgins. Its the only explanation possible.

PS – You ever use those numbing condoms? Those things are downright terrifying. You really can’t feel anything. I kept on looking down to make sure my dick didn’t fall off inside of her.

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Dude On A Plane Asked To Remove His Inigo Montoya Shirt Because It Was Too Intimidating For Other Passengers

YahooWynand Mullins of New Zealand told Stuff Magazine that he was asked to remove his T-shirt because other airline passengers found it intimidating. And, yes, we suppose if one weren’t familiar with “The Princess Bride,” seeing a shirt that reads, “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,” might be a little alarming, especially on board a plane. But in Mullins’s defense: Who the heck hasn’t seen “The Princess Bride”? Mullins explained to Stuff that a flight attendant had approached him before takeoff and asked that he put on a different shirt due to some concerned passengers. Mullins told Stuff: “I thought it was all a bit silly. The person next to me was laughing, because they knew the movie.” The flight attendant apparently told Mullins she would attempt to find him another shirt, but never did, so the T-shirt stayed on. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they had someone watching me the whole time,” Mullins said. “The whole experience was a bit over the top, but also a bit comical.

Hands down the greatest movie quote of all time. The sword fight scene between Inigo Montoya and the Black Pirate at the top of the cliff is one of the best fight scenes of all time. “Because I know something you don’t know…I am not left handed.” “Oh, there’s something I ought to tell you…I’m not left-handed either.” Fucking classic. But nothing will ever top the You Killed My Father Prepare To Die.

If anything I’d have the people who haven’t seen Princess Bride kicked off the plane. You wanna find a terrorist threat that hates America? Find the people who haven’t seen Princess Bride. About as bizarre and dangerous and threatening as Al Qaeda. Detain those motherfuckers and get Saul Berenson to interrogate them. See what I did there?

By KFC posted January 23rd, 2013 at 10:10 AM
© 2014 Barstool Sports | Disclaimer | Copyright | Privacy Policy | Media Kit