Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Fighting The Courts To Return His Porn Collection?

Bristol – ADISABLED man with a liking for pornography took the police to court to demand they return his huge collection of explicit adult movies. Police arrested Anthony Gerrard, right, three times on suspicion of possessing indecent images of children, seizing six PCs and laptops. Although 11 illegal pictures were found on four hard drives, they had been downloaded automatically to parts of the computers Mr Gerrard could not have accessed without specialist tools or techniques. Not pressing any charges, officers returned two of the computers but kept the ones containing child pornography and took Mr Gerrard to court for the forfeiture and destruction of the hard drives. Last July, District Judge David Parsons found in the police’s favour, but Mr Gerrard, 59, appealed in a bid to get his computers – containing 888GB of adult movies and thousands (2.5GB) of adult pornographic images – back. Police are not allowed to return hard drives with child pornography on them, because they would then be distributing illegal material. Mr Gerrard, of Broadfield Road, Knowle, argued they could have deleted the child pornography or transferred them to another device and given him the adult images back. Explaining to The Post what he wanted, Mr Gerrard said: “If they gave me my computers back, instead of searching the internet I could just search my own computers. I wouldn’t have time to search the internet. “I paid £40 for a month’s subscription to a website and I was downloading films from it day and night. I wanted to get my money’s worth. “I’m not interested in child porn. I don’t think it’s fair they are keeping my computers when I haven’t done anything illegal.  ”They cost me a couple of thousand pounds in total. Every time the police took two computers away, I would buy another two.” Mr Gerrard, who has been married four times and is estranged from his son, added: “The good thing about having a computer is you can switch it off when you’ve finished – you can’t switch off a wife.”

Can’t we just throw Anthony Gerrard a bone here? Dude is already disabled. He’s already been married 4 fucking times. I mean just look at him. If Bill Murray were to play a Hobbit in the next Lord of the Rings movie, it would be Tony Gerrard. Just give the guy his goddam computers. And yes I know this day in age its a serious red flag to have thousands of hours of porn saved on to a desktop PC computer, but in some way I can’t really fault this poor son of a bitch. If you’re browsing your own personal porn collection you never gotta worry about the weird shit. Have you seen the front page of YouJizz these days? Its like 75% pixelated Asians. Just cluttering up the good stuff. There’s all sorts of weird movies with words like “Futanari” that are just tempting me to get weird and watch it. If I could just sift through a Dewey Decimal System of all my normal porn it would probably be better for everyone.

Now obviously I’m not gonna do that because I’m not a social misfit serial murderer. All I’m saying is that for a crippled hobbit who’s been divorced 4 times, maybe we should just give the guy his fucking computer. Like giving the dog a chew toy to play with. Let him keep himself occupied. Because when this guy finds a 5th wife because he couldn’t get his personal porn fix and we find her chopped up in a freezer and he says he was just “switching her off,” that blood is gonna be on the hands of the State.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 12:10 PM

Mayor Bloomberg Is An Ass Man

NYDNMayor Bloomberg was more focused on buns than guns at a recent holiday party, a new magazine report claims. While Hizzoner has been all over the airways pushing gun control, a New York magazine reporter says the mayor was far more interested in ogling a woman’s behind than discussing the issue at a recent holiday party. Scribe Jonathan Van Meter says a friend who accompanied him to the party made a point of thanking the mayor for his work on gun control. “Without even acknowledging the comment, Bloomberg gestured toward a woman in a very tight floor-length gown standing nearby and said, ‘Look at the ass on her,’ ” Van Meter wrote. “Anyone who knows Mike knows this is exactly the way he kibitzes privately,” the source said. “He has [a] 1950s sense of humor about women which is neither malicious nor deniable. Everybody knows that.”

I hope Bloombito turned around and gave the Spanish translation too. “Mirror el kool-oh del aye-ya!” Maybe have that sign language broad gesturing to a nice pair of cheeks. In case you didn’t realize by now, Mike Bloomberg does whatever the fuck he wants. I don’t know how this could possibly be news to anyone after he fucking strapped an air conditioner to the window of his SUV. That was the exact pinpoint moment that Bloomberg decided “I don’t give a fuck” and ever since then he’s just done and said whatever he wants to. When you’ve been Mayor/King of New York for like 20 straight years you think you go to holiday parties and don’t check out asses? He probably had one of his minions hunt that chick down and he fucked her in the coat room. Thats how Bloombito rolls. Straight Mad Men, Jewish style.

PS – Funniest part of the Daily News article was this caption: “If you know whose derrière Mayor Bloomberg was admiring please give the Daily News a call.” Sending out their very own smoke patrol! Well I second this motion. Anybody who knows who’s ass Bloomberg was drooling over gets a free Ball Don’t Lie shirt.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Jersey City Tranny Knocks Out Dude With A Shovel, Stripped Him Down And Videotaped Him

NJ – A Jersey City man knocked out a man with a shovel, stripped him naked, handcuffed him and videotaped him while robbing him, authorities said. The video was then uploaded on Facebook.com, authorities said. Darnell “Measha” Logan, 26, of the 300 block of Ocean Avenue, is charged with kidnapping, robbery, aggravated sexual contact and weapons offenses, the criminal complaint says. He made his first court appearance today. Officers responding to Logan’s address at 7:42 a.m. on Nov. 18 found the 29-year-old Jersey City victim’s upper body covered in blood and there was severe swelling to his face and ears, a police report says. The victim said he was attacked by someone he knows in the building named Measha, the report says. Police found a bloody shovel on the sidewalk and a trail of blood leading to a pool of blood in the building’s vestibule and then up to Logan’s second-floor apartment, the report says. The criminal complaint charges Logan with hitting the victim in the head with a shovel, rendering him unconscious. Logan and two others then dragged the victim into the building and into Logan’s apartment, the complaint says. While the victim remained unconscious, Logan removed the victim’s clothes and videotaped him “lying in a motionless state on a bed disrobed while handcuffed,” the complaint says. Logan then took $600 and a cell phone “while videotaping the proceeds,” the complaint says.

You know what sucks? Getting beat up by a tranny. Not only because you get your face smashed in with a shovel, but your reputation takes such a hit if you’re the dude who gets beat up by a chick with a dick. Like if this story was just some Jersey City thug hitting a guy in the head with a shovel and robbing him, then you’re just the victim of a fucked up crime. But all the sudden throw in the fact that she’s a tranny and he/she videotaped you naked and now you kinda look like a pussy. It doesn’t matter that this creature is much more a “Darnell” than she is a “Measha.” Doesn’t matter that this thing is basically just a fucking jacked black dude who bashed you with a shovel. You can’t help but think that this random guy got beat up by a chick. Darnell runs about 6’2, 230, but he likes to wear high heels so now you’re a pussy. The perfect definition of adding insult to injury. Your injuries are your crumpled skull and the insults are that you got beat up with a girl, potentially sexually assaulted by a big black dude. Just the worst of every possible world.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

African Thieves Steal Drunk Dudes Dreadlocks To Sell On The Black Market

JohannesburgA Zimbabwean man was recently robbed of his dreadlocks at a night club in Johannesburg in order to feed a growing demand for human hair extensions, a report said on Tuesday. The Times said Mutsa Madonko had his long locks that he has grown for 10 years, cut off while partying at a Johannesburg club. His friends found him passed out – with his head shaven. “When we found him, he still had his cellphone and wallet with all his money inside,” his friend Jasper Munsinwa told The Times. Natural dreadlocks are sold as hair extensions for anything between R200 and R2 500 depending on the length, said The Times. The extensions are weaved into clients’ own hair. They are worn by both men and women. Synthetic extensions have been used for years, but the Times report suggests demand for 100% human hair dreadlocks is growing.

Hey homie don’t pass out with your shoes on! Sometimes you get a dick drawn on your face and sometimes you get robbed of 10 years and 300 bucks worth of dreadlocks! I guess it just all depends on if you live in America and you’re a white drunk frat boy or if you are from Zimbabwe and the dreadlocks black market is booming. I guess the lesson to learn here is don’t go out to the clubs in Johannesburg rocking dreads down to you ass. Just asking to get jacked.

On an unrelated note, you have gotta be one wacky motherfucker to have dreadlocks. I mean I know with the Rastafarians its part of their religion or whatever the fuck it is they do. But like how about the dude from Counting Crows?

What the fuck was that guy thinking? Waxy dirty clumps of hair? For sure not.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Staten Island Soldier The First US Serviceman To Ever Receive Double Arm Transplant

Follow Brian on Twitter here

Washington PostA former soldier who became a quadruple amputee after an explosion in Iraq three years ago has undergone a rare double arm transplant at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, the hospital said Monday. Brendan Marrocco, 26, of Staten Island, who underwent the marathon surgery last month, was the first service member from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to survive the loss of four limbs, officials have said. He lost both legs above the knee, his left arm below the elbow and his right arm above the elbow when a military vehicle he was driving was struck by a powerful makeshift bomb on Easter in 2009. A determined, soft-spoken young man who has endured numerous surgeries, return trips to the hospital and setbacks, he had been waiting for the transplants for years. He got his wish Dec. 18 in a complex, multi-hour operation in which bundles of his muscle, bone, blood vessels, skin and nerves were joined — at times under a microscope — with those of a deceased donor. “He’s doing well,” Marrocco’s father, Alex, said Monday. “Doing well. It’s been a little over a month now.” Marrocco is the first service member to receive a double arm transplant, and the hospital said he is one of only seven people in the United States who have undergone successful double arm transplants.

Just wanted to take a break from the normal smut and silliness that we do day in and day out to recognize what my man Brendan Marrocco went through the past few years. Probably the toughest motherfucker in the whole world. Literally. He’s the only dude from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to survive injuries of this magnitude. And while maybe things may never be like they once were, getting a double arm transplant has gotta be pretty fuckin awesome for him. I know there are so many wounded warriors out there who need all sorts of medical attention, but none as deserving as Brendan Marrocco.

Ordinarily I make fun of people who talk about being proud to be a New Yorker and all sorts of NYC stereotypes, but I can honestly say I take some pride in the fact that a guy like Brendan comes from my home town. Viva La Marrocco and Viva La Science.

PS – Yes, it really chaps my balls that he’s all over the internet in a Chive shirt tweeting at them and shit. Really bro! The Chive?? Stoolies, show this guy some love so he knows what we’re all about and Brendan give me your address so I can send you a King Henrik Barstool t shirt. I know you’re a Rangers fan.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Joe Flacco Says Having The Super Bowl In New York Is Retarded

NY PostIt’s a good thing Joe Flacco gets paid for his right arm and not his mouth. The Ravens quarterback made his first bad pass of the week when he used a derogatory term to rip the idea of next year’s cold-weather Super Bowl at MetLife Stadium in his home state of New Jersey. “I think it’s retarded,” Flacco said at yesterday’s press conference before catching himself. “I probably shouldn’t say that. I think it’s stupid. If you want a Super Bowl, put a retractable dome on your stadium. Then you can get one. Other than I don’t really like the idea. I don’t think people would react very well to it, or be glad to play anybody in that kind of weather.”

First off I like the fact that he said retarded and then took it back and nobody is going nuts over it. I mean I’m sure theres a few uptight assholes who are gonna make a stink about this but for the most part people are actually reacting like reasonable humans. Can we all just agree that “retarded” and “gay” is ok to say now? Please?

Secondly I don’t understand the idea that having the Super Bowl in cold weather is a big deal. What are people worried about? The weather affecting the outcome of the game? Football fans are worried about the weather? When it was 0 degrees in Denver this year did anyone claim it was ridiculous that a playoff game was being decided there? Every year when teams go into New England is it a big deal that theres a potential for snow and cold? The Legendary Lambeau Field is one of the most hallowed places in all of football specifically because its cold. Tom Coughlin’s red plastic frostbitten face will go down in football lore just like the dude who drove that Snowplow right across the field. Football is a sport based on toughness and perseverance and battling in the trenches outside. I think you should argue that having the most important game every year played inside on turf in a perfect 68 degrees is more retarded than having it outside in New York.

Other than the on the field repercussions I don’t see why anybody would really care. Like unless you’re one of the bougie assholes flying out to the Super Bowl who gives a shit what the media week is like. I do not give one single fuck about the Super Bowl Village and if the tents and games and entertainment are ruined because its cold or snowy. Give me a classic Super Bowl in freezing temperatures where we separate the men from the boys and crown a true football champion.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Nursing Home Workers Arranging Prostitute Visits For Residents

The SunProstitutes have been invited to a care home to have sex with disabled residents — sparking an investigation by the council.
Hookers regularly go for “special visits” at Chaseley nursing home in Eastbourne, Sussex. They meet residents in a special room and a red sock is put on the door handle so staff know not to disturb them. Bosses say many physically and mentally disabled people have no other sexual outlet – and become so frustrated they often resort to GROPING staff. Care workers say the “sex surrogates” are “therapeutic” and experts claim they are a ”basic human right”. But East Sussex County Council has launched an urgent investigation into possible “exploitation and abuse” of vulnerable people. Sue Wyatt, Chaseley’s manager, has confirmed prostitutes are welcomed at the home and said they are ordered by a “third party consultant”. Mrs Wyatt said: “People have needs, so sometimes we might need to set up a room in a certain way. We are there to help. “We use a private consultant who arranges everything. They are an independent person who works in the home. She puts people in touch with people. “We respect our residents as individuals so that’s why we help this to happen.” The practice at the home was revealed by its former manager Helena Barrow. She said: “The fact is sex workers are allowed by law to sexually enable people but care workers are not. “So, if someone asked, we would often call in a professional, someone trained to do that. It’s known as the resident’s ‘special visit’. “If you have a resident who is groping staff, one way of resolving that problem is to get a sex worker in who is trained to deal with that situation.

Can I go to live in a nursing home right fucking now? I mean whats the qualifications to get in there? Do I have to wear diapers and shit my pants? Because I’ll wear diapers and shit my pants. Because nursing homes, specifically the one where they call whores for you, are fucking wonderful. You basically have a team of slaves who wait on you hand and foot. Don’t have to pay rent. Probably just spend all day playing games like shuffle board and card games. Its honestly a lazy man’s dream. Its like college for old people who aren’t interested in living life to the fullest, i.e. me.

And thats before you sprinkle in the booty calls from hookers. Its basically like summer camp – hang out all day, play games, meet some new friends, and hook up with chicks you’re never gonna see again. I can just see it now.

11am – Price is right
12pm – Lunch
1pm – Shuffle board
2pm – Connect 4 tournament
3pm – Uno
4pm – Booty call with a hooker
5pm – Dinner
6pm – Dessert and bath time and shit
7pm – Jeopardy
7:30pm – Wheel
8pm – Another booty call with a hooker
8:3opm – Lights out.

Sign me up!

PS – I am not jealous of the hookers who have to work the nursing home circuit. Thats gotta be like the rookie hazing assignment, right? All the top notch call girls are spending nights at the club with billionaires partying and the new probie hookers have gotta go blow the dude with polio at the old folk’s home. Gotta earn your whore stripes and start real, real low on the totem pole.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Political Brawl In The Dominican Republic Involves A Lot Of Chair Throwing And Gun Play

Ahhh the Domincan Republic. Puerto Rico’s retarded brother. I didn’t even know there was any government down there.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow of the Day – Debbie

Introducing Debbie from NY, NY. Just when you thought the most impressive thing of the day coming out of NYC was going to the be the soldier from Staten Island, we bring your Debbie from Manhattan. Bangarang.

Smokeshow submissions are still slow as can be. I don’t know whether its the weather or what, but do you guys not know any hot chicks? Email KFC@barstoolports.com with facebook links of chicks you wanna see featured on the Stool.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Arod Did HGH In 2012

NBCSportsNow a blockbuster report from the Miami New Times, which has been given patient records by an anonymous source, suggests that A-Rod and other ballplayers were, in fact, given HGH by Bosch. In A-Rod’s case as late as last year, long after he claimed that he had ceased using PEDs (A-Rod said at his 2009 press conference that he stopped taking PEDs in 2003 and hadn’t taken them since):

Yet there was his name, over and over again, logged as either “Alex Rodriguez,” “Alex Rod,” or his nickname at the clinic, “Cacique,” a pre-Columbian Caribbean chief. Rodriguez’s name appears 16 times throughout the records New Times reviewed.

Take, for instance, one patient list from Bosch’s 2009 personal notebook. It charts more than 50 clients and notes whether they received their drugs by delivery or in the office, how much they paid, and what they were taking.

There, at number seven on the list, is Alex Rodriguez. He paid $3,500, Bosch notes. Below that, he writes, “1.5/1.5 HGH (sports perf.) creams test., glut., MIC, supplement, sports perf. Diet.” HGH, of course, is banned in baseball, as are testosterone creams.

The New Times details multiple other records of banned substances, under either Rodriguez’s name or under his cousin Yuri Sucart. These include HGH, IGF-1, which stimulates muscle growth and is also banned and something called “troches,” which is a lozenge which releases testosterone.  But there is evidence of more recent use as well:

The mentions of Rodriguez begin in 2009 and continue all the way through last season. Take a page in another notebook, which is labeled “2012″ and looks to have been written last spring. Under the heading “A-Rod/Cacique,” Bosch writes, “He is paid through April 30th. He will owe May 1 $4,000… I need to see him between April 13-19, deliver troches, pink cream, and… May meds. Has three weeks of Sub-Q (as of April).”

The New Times describes Sub-Q as a “mixture of HGH, IGF-1, and other drugs.”

Also mentioned in the records are Melky CabreraYasmani Grandal and Bartolo Colon, all of whom have tested positive for PEDs in the past year.  One additional mention — a player never before linked with PEDs — is Nelson Cruz.  Gio Gonzalez is mentioned as well, but the records seem less definitive and may be connected to his father, who is quoted in the story. The New Times attempted to get comment from all of the athletes named in the story. None responded. This is a major, major story.  We have the east coast BALCO on our hands here.

So wait a minute – the Arod we saw last year, was the Arod on HGH??? Bro you fucking suck! Guy went like 2-500 with 400 strikeouts in the playoffs and he was using PEDs. How much worse would he have been if he wasn’t cheating? Ordinarily you see a guy like Ryan Braun who bashes 50 home runs and you find out its tainted so thats why its so appalling. But if Arod was still getting benched for Raul Ibanez and fucking Eric Chavez while he was on HGH, do we even care? Its like “if a tree falls in the woods…” If Arod did HGH, but still completely sucks, do we care that Arod did HGH at all?”

And honestly, you can go ahead and file this under “least surprising news ever.” People are asking “Could Arod really be this stupid after already being caught in 2009?” Yes, yes he could. He’s like that loser kid in school who only has friends because he throws parties at his parents big ass house and lets you borrow his car and buys all the beer and shit. He’s gotta buy and cheat his way into it. Arod threw the biggest party ever in 2009 and everyone loved him for a few seconds but he went right back to being an unlikable slug and now he’s gotta buy his way back in again. He’s old, he’s broken down, he’s getting benched, and he’s the butt of everyone’s joke. He’s being ridiculed about the remaining $120 million on his contract that he has no chance to realistically “earn.” So he cheats. Can’t blame him, really. I’d probably roll the dice and try to regain some respect and hope I never get caught too. You’ve already got a black mark on your record for cheating once – if there’s a glimmer of hope you don’t end up retiring a pathetic loser, might as well give it a try. Worst case scenario is Cacique ends up a pathetic loser because he just stinks, or he ends up a pathetic loser because he cheated. Nothing to lose.

PS – If Arod’s smart he’ll go with the “Its not my HGH, its all my trannie girlfriends’. Torrie Wilson and her crew of monstrous transgender freaks.

PPS – Cue the “void his contract!” hysteria. Hey at least you’ll get a 50 game break from him. Its Youk time!

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Jets Looking At All 300 Pounds Of Jamarcus Russell

Pro Football Talk – Former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell — widely considered the biggest bust in NFL draft history — recently shed weight and is attempting an NFL comeback. The Jets need a quarterback. Russell was once a quarterback. And the Jets have explored the possibility of adding Russell to their offseason roster. Per Conor Orr of the Newark Star-Ledger, the Jets had “some very exploratory, informal discussions” about the ex-Oakland Raider. The discussions took place after the firing of G.M. Mike Tannenbaum, and among members of the organization that still have their jobs. It doesn’t sound like a signing is imminent, but Russell should come cheap, likely on a minimum-salary deal as he attempts to turn his life and football career around. The Jets should like the sound of that. Because Tannenbaum left them with the worst salary cap situation in the league.

Well lets go ahead and file this under “2nd least surprising story of the day” behind the Arod HGH scandal. At this point, the Jets are “talking” to anybody and everybody. Jamarcus Russell, Honey Badger, Michael Vick, fucking whoever. Whichever bust/outcast is out there looking for a job, sit by your phone because the Jets will be calling you soon. They’re a couple weeks away from holding open tryouts like Marky Mark in Invincible.

I keep hearing stories about Mark Sanchez and Jamarcus Russell working out with Jeff Garcia to try and learn the West Coast Offense. Well why not cut out the middle man? Why not just sign Jeff Garcia’s gay ass? Probably just as good as those two clowns, if not better. Jeff makes about 11 million dollars less than Sanchez and he weighs about 275 pounds less than Russell. Perfect fit.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Taco Bell Commercial Pulled For Wildly Explicit Images Just Kidding They Were Making Fun Of Vegetables

NEW YORK (AP) Taco Bell is pulling a TV ad after receiving complaints that it discouraged people from eating vegetables. The ad by the fast-food chain was touting its variety 12-pack of tacos, with a voiceover saying that bringing a vegetable tray to a party is “like punting on fourth and one.” It said that people secretly hate guests who bring vegetables to parties. The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a health advocacy group, this weekend urged people to tweet their complaints about the ad and the chain quickly made the decision to pull it. “We didn’t want anyone to misinterpret the intent of the ad,” says Rob Poetsch, a Taco Bell spokesman. The Center for Science in the Public Interest thanked Taco Bell for its speedy response.

Look if you bring broccoli to my party, I won’t secretly hate you. I will openly hate you for everyone to see. But here’s the thing – if you bring a 12 pack of Taco Bell to a party, you might be just as big of an asshole. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love 2 Cheesy Gordita Crunches from the drive through at 2am when I’m hammered drunk. But if I’m having a Super Bowl party and you bring me a 12 pack of soggy tacos you can get the fuck out right alongside the dude who brought the broccoli. Bring me beer, bring me wings. Bring some sort of bacon dip or some pigs in a blanket. Normal shit that people eat during football. Don’t bring me 10 bucks worth of tacos like I’m some Mexican celebrating The Day of the Dead or some shit.

By KFC posted January 29th, 2013 at 4:50 PM
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