There was a time when I actually didn’t mind Kris Humphries. Mainly because I hated Kim Kardashian a thousand times more than him and I just viewed him as the dude snaking her family for all its money. But then I realized “being hated less than Kim K” is far from being a cool dude. Faaaarrrr from it. He’s still a mouth breathing goon who wanted to be a reality TV superstar on E!. I feel like him and Arod would get along perfect. They could sip champagne on a boat somewhere talking about how cool each other are.
But then Hump goes and makes this commercial and earns a shred of respect from me. Kinda owning up to the fact that he’s some wanna be diva star. If you’re gonna be a egotistical douche despite being a grade A loser, the only thing you can do is own up to it and make a funny commercial about it. Self deprecation works every time – even if you’re Mr. Kim Kardashian.
PS – Hump used to at least back it up on the court with a solid double double every night. Now when he’s putting up 6 and 6 at $12 million a year he’s really just an overpaid goon.
Last week Google fucked us and we couldn’t go live for some reason so me, Big Cat and Feits spent about 25 minutes making jokes to each other before we realized there were only 4 assholes listening. Naturally the masses were in an uproar. Thousands of people were left without their KFC Radio fix. Never fear, motherfuckers. We’re back in the saddle and dialed up an extra long episode to make up for last week. We’ll be posting it in three parts today, tomorrow, and Friday so you can get a 30 minute episode during lunch every day this week. Or if you’re one of the diehards and wanna go listen to the full 90 minutes extravaganza, go to KFCRadio on Youtube and the full version is already available.
Obviously we’re bringing back another round of trivia today for our Barstool hoodie giveaway. New Barstool hoodies are now on sale, but the zip up KFC Radio version are limited edition. Only like 10 of them out there. At 2pm today I’ll be tweeting out a trivia question from @KFCBarstool based on the content of Episode 26, Part 1. Answer the question correctly, and make sure you follow all the other members of the podcast, and you’ll be in the running to win a free hoodie. Here’s all the members you need to follow:
Florida – A former Punta Gorda resident was arrested for secretly recording video of his encounter with a prostitute and posting that video online. Police say Nicholas R. Fornaro, 26, met Michelle O’Neill, 43, after he responded to an ad she’d placed on Craiglist in September 2012. The two met at Fornaro’s home, where O’Neill said she’d need $60 to “purchase some gas” for the drive home after the event. Fornaro agreed, according to O’Neill, and they got underway. She said she never saw any video camera or recording device in Fornaro’s bedroom. Once they were done, she asked for the money. But Fornaro allegedly told her he didn’t have any money, so he “offered her a ‘shark’s tooth’ that was estimated to be valued at $60.” O’Neill took the tooth and took off. About a week later, the woman said her brother contacted her to tell her about a video he found on a porn site featuring her encounter with Fornaro. She called police to file a complaint and got an attorney, who reportedly downloaded a copy of the video for evidence. O’Neill also told police she contacted Fornaro, who allegedly apologized and said he “didn’t think that she would have minded” that he recorded the affair. He offered to remove the video. She told him she was filing a criminal complaint, and he allegedly asked her not to because he was a corrections officer at a state prison. Investigators found the video, and others Fornaro allegedly posted under his screen name.
Fuck this fat bitch swapping pussy for shark teeth. Fuck this dude in jail, too. The real victim is Michelle O’Neill’s brother. I can’t imagine stumbling upon a relative when you’re getting ready to rub one out – but I can easily see how it happened here. He’s not all that different from me. He’s an ass man, and being an ass man means using the “Big Butt” filter on YouPorn. Using the “Big Butt” filter means you gotta sift through some disgusting shit before getting to a Grade-A apple bottom. This orca getting plowed is the kind of heinous crap I’m talking about. 300-pound mammoth bitches spreading their drapes in your face is the price you pay to get to the wannabe Alexis Texas clips. And I’d like to say if I saw a pig that looked like my sister while scrolling, I would just ignore it – but that’s a lie. I’d at least hover over it & rotate through the preview thumbnails. Thing is, I wouldn’t be doing it to confirm it’s her – I’d be doing it to make sure it wasn’t. Thinking you saw a still of your sibling getting stuffed is just as tormenting as knowing you saw her. The seed is planted, and the only way to get rid of it is to press play with your fingers crossed to prove without a doubt it isn’t her. It’s the only shot at not having the “Big Butt” filter ruined forever. Michelle’s brother tried to save it and it went horribly wrong – but I respect his hail mary effort. I’d have done the same.
KFC Editor’s note: So more or less this is basically just a story about a dude who fucked a hooker, filmed it secretly, posted online, and then the hooker’s brother found it, right? The 60 dollar shark tooth has no bearing on the story and the eventual outcome? What an absolutely amazing nugget of info to drop into your crime recap. That takes it from just your average Florida hooker story to a Barstool story about a hooker being paid in shark teeth.
TMZ – Ron Jeremy is in critical condition at an L.A. hospital … and is being treated for an aneurysm that was located near his heart … TMZ has learned. Ron’s manager, Mike Esterman, tells TMZ … 59-year-old Ron drove himself to Cedars-Sinai hospital Tuesday afternoon after experiencing severe chest pain. Docs examined the legendary porn star … and discovered the aneurysm. According to Esterman, Ron’s condition has worsened and he was transferred to the ICU. He’s currently being prepped for surgery. Ron — and his 9-inch penis — have appeared in more than 2,000 X-rated movies together … including, “Super Hornio Brothers,” “High Heels, Low Standards,” and “A Christmas Orgy.” He also spoofed Harvey Levin in the XXX spoof, “TMSleaze.
You know its weird. I’ve obviously never met Ron Jeremy. But there’s only so many times you can see a man’s howitzer before you develop a connection to him. Like I’ve seen Ron Jeremy’s asshole and stuff. I’ve seen him in some of the most intimate places and situations imaginable. For God’s sake we’ve probably ejaculated at the same time a bunch of times. I know its all through the computer screen, but this is 2013 folks. Thats enough to develop a friendship. If Manti Te’o had a girlfriend over the internet, than Ron Jeremy and I are, at the very least, considered to be friends. Get well soon, buddy. You’re an inspirational to fat hairy disgusting dudes everywhere.
The Mirror – Model husbands who cook, clean and generally help around the house may be missing out in bed, according to researchers.Married men are likely to have less sex if they do a lot of housework, a study found. But they could improve their sex lives by easing off the washing-up and chopping wood instead. “Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently,” said study leader Dr Sabino Kornrich, from the Juan March Institute in Madrid, Spain. “Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks – such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance – report higher sexual frequency.” The results suggest that adopting traditional gender roles is important to sexual desire and performance, said Dr Kornrich. Data from the US National Survey of Families and Households was used in the study, published in the American Sociological Review. During the month prior to the survey, men claimed to have sex an average of 5.2 times and women 5.6 times. But couples in which women did most of the cooking, cleaning and shopping had sex more often.
If I’m reading this correctly, and I think I am, I gotta chop wood, do yard work, and fix the car in order to get laid? Uh, thanks but no thanks. I would absolutely rather be the guy who watches movies on TNT and TBS all Saturday afternoon who ends up jerking off before bed than be the fucking lumberjack who spent his day chopping wood so he can get laid at night. I mean, fuck – I better get sex if I do that shit. Don’t give me the “I have a headache” or “I’m tired” – I chopped down a fucking tree for you today!
There is virtually a zero percent chance I do any of that stuff when I’m older. I could be living right at the poverty line and I’d still scrounge up enough money to come pay a Mexican to do that stuff for me. I don’t know if that qualifies as me doing the “masculine tasks” or if it means my wife will just end up fucking Aurelio the gardener, but there ain’t no chance I’m gonna play Bob Vila for the rest of my life just so I can get my rocks off.
Fa’afafine are the gender liminal, or third-gendered people of Samoa. A recognized and integral part of traditional Samoan culture, fa’afafine, born biologically male, embody both male and female gender traits. Their gendered behavior typically ranges from extravagantly feminine to mundanely masculine.
Feitelberg wrote a blog earlier today about Ronnie Telescope or whatever the fuck his name is and in his PS he explained that the dude isn’t gay, he’s just fa’afafine. Well this just sums up how fuckin wacky these Polynesian folks are. They’ve got their own made up word to describe how creepy and gay this fat toad is. From day 1 I said this whole hoax was basically predicated upon the crazy ass lives of this Hawaiian mafia and shit like this only confirms it. I don’t even think these Samoans are phased by this whole thing. They’ve got fa’afafine guys trying to fuck dudes and pretending to be girls all over the place. Just another day in the South Pacific where apparently nobody knows if they are a boy or a girl and they have no clue if the want to fuck dicks or pussies.
PS – I wonder if people in Samoa get offended if someone is like “Thats so fa’afafine.”
NY Post – This kid was no killer — but some callous Bronx cops sure treated him like one. Instead of earning himself a simple trip to the principal’s office, a terrified 7-year-old boy was hauled out of class, handcuffed like a hardened criminal and “interrogated” by police for a grueling 10 hours — all over a playground dispute involving $5, his family is charging. “My son was crying, ‘Mommy, it wasn’t me! Mommy, it wasn’t me!’ I never imagined the cops could do that to a child. We’re traumatized,” Wilson Reyes’ distraught mom, Frances Mendez told The Post last night. “Imagine how I felt seeing my son in handcuffs!’’ she said. “It was horrible. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.” The bizarre overreaction by cops came after the child had been accused of swiping $5 from another student after school. The money, which was supposed to be used for a school trip that never happened, had fallen on the ground in front of Wilson and two other boys, and one of them scooped it up. Wilson was falsely accused of taking it, and he scuffled with one of the kids. But law-enforcement sources insisted that Wilson was treated like any other young suspect. “We responded to a 911 call of a robbery and assault . . . Eventually, [Wilson] was taken back to the precinct and placed in the juvenile room,” a source said. “He was charged with robbery. The allegation was that he punched the kid and took his money. He took the money forcibly. “The kid came into the precinct a little bit after 3 p.m., and he was out by 7:45 p.m. . . . That’s standard for a juvenile arrest.”
Finders keepers, motherfuckers. You know who that 5 dollar bill belonged to the moment it hit the pavement? Fucking nobody, thats who. That shit is up for grabs. At that moment its Code of the Streets. If Wilson or someone else picked up that money, its his. And the little asshole who dropped it deserves to get his ass kicked. I mean how careless do you have to be to drop 5 bucks as a 7 year old? You walk around with a finski when you’re 7 and you’re like a fucking rockstar. Should have just let these kids work this out on the playground and call it a day. Losing 5 bucks and getting your ass kicked by a Puerto Rican at school is enough of a lesson to make sure this never happens again. No need to involved the police.
YES! Do it, Pan Man! Who says chivalry is dead! Scream it from the rooftops!
These fucking guys love their wives. I mean that second guy seriously fucking loves his wife. I wish I could get a translation. Its probably like “I promise not to watch anymore hentai Japanamation porn! I swear I won’t try to bukkake you as you do your hair in the morning! I love you like Mr. Miyagi loved Yukie! I will fight Sato to the death if need be! I love my wife!!!” I’m telling you man – in this world of Tinder and online dating and Craigslist encounters its nice to see some good old fashioned lunatic Asians howling in public to their women. Reminds me that romance is real and alive for the rest of us
Other than the time we got a Viva La Stool sign at Buckingham Palace, this may be my favorite ever. Aside from wearing a Purple Starfish pinnie and actually getting some playing time, you cannot rep the Stool at a sporting event any better than this.
MSN – An Arctic wolf can devour bloody chunks of bone and meat whole — but that doesn’t stop Werner Freund from cuddling up next to the wild animals and sticking his face in the middle of their meal. The wolf researcher, who pioneered German wolf conservation in the 1970s, has been living with wolf packs for more than 40 years. He started Wolfspark sanctuary in Saarland and, at almost 80, the former paratrooper still acts as the alpha male to six distinct packs, describing himself as “half wolf.” Judging from the photos above of Freund howling, wrestling, and ripping into caribou flesh, we believe him
Now on the one hand I tip my cap to Werner Freund. It gets no more Alpha Male than being the Alpha Male in an actual wolfpack. Like we always use the term as a metaphor in social settings. Being the Alpha Male to us is the guy who gets all the attention from the girls or the guy who dominates the conversation. Being Alpha Male fo Werner Freund means he gets first dibs on the dead caribou his wolfpack hunted for dinner. Thats as dominant as it gets. Of course one day one of these wolves is gonna get pissed and absolutely thrash him to pieces in a painful, carnage filled death. But for the time being this guy is so alpha.
At the same time though, I can’t help but feel like Werner stumbled upon the biggest pussy wolfpack of all time. Like they are straight up french kissing Werner. What kind of wolf goes to first base with an old German dude? How about that scene with the caribou flesh? You eat from one end and I’ll eat from the other and we’ll meet in the middle like Lady And The Tramp! Gayest wolves I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wanna hang out with them during dinner like Werner. I’m just saying these ain’t the most ferocious wolves I’ve ever seen.
STAMFORD — An unemployed hairdresser accused of knocking out a Darien woman’s teeth with a tire iron in November pleaded not guilty to a felony assault charge Tuesday at state Superior Court in Stamford. Rhiannon Noell Stefanick, 23, of 90 Deerfield Drive, Greenwich, was arraigned on a charge of first-degree assault. Stefanick and her public defender, Barry Butler, elected a jury trial at her hearing before Judge Richard Comerford. Butler declined comment on the case. Stefanick is to return to court Feb. 14. According to her arrest affidavit, police were called to the front of Liberation House, a Main Street drug treatment facility, at 9:30 a.m. Nov. 12, where a woman was attacked by another with a metal bar. A witness said a light blue car was parked across the street for an hour or more before the victim crossed Relay Place toward Liberation House. The man said he saw a woman get out of the car and strike the victim several times in the face and head with what appeared to be a 10-inch long bar, the affidavit said. In a statement that the woman had to type because she could not speak clearly, she said she remembered a woman walking up to her and saying “I told you not to mess with my man.” The next day, the woman was able to pick out Stefanick’s picture.
A feisty little minx named Rhiannon who’s down to smash chicks with a tire iron for her man? Sign me up! Next time she’s just gotta remember to break all her fingers too so that she can’t give a witness statement. But aside from a little bit of sloppy execution on this assault she gets check pluses across the board on her report card. She’s got a real sexy vibe going. Scary eyebrows that lets you know she’s either some kind of a dark villain or a bomb went off in her face like Uncle Leo and she needed to draw them back on. Either scenario is pretty intriguing. Most importantly, you know she’s an absolute dragon in the sack, and she’s down to ruin faces with a metal pipe to defend her and her man. She’s like Gemma from Sons of Anarchy except young and hotter.
Granted all that also means you’ll have to sleep with one eye open. And yes, every time you’re fucking her, you’ll have a little inkling that she may have poisoned her pussy. But thats part of the allure. Its a love, hate thing. There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain. There’s also a fine line between banging a psychotic minx and being absolutely terrified of her. But its gotta be one hell of a ride.