I was on a little advertisement critique earlier today talking about the AT&T commercials with the kids and the Asian family with Kevin Durant and I just saw this Dikembe spot so I figured I’d weigh in on this too. I’ll be perfectly honest, I hated the “Happier than a…” commercial series from GEICO. The Happier Than Gallagher At A Fruit Market and Happier Than A Witch In A Broom Factory were awful. But the Eddie Money one kinda redeemed it, and then they just came over the top with Dikembe. I don’t know if you know this about me, but a surefire way to get me to like absolutely anything is to include Dikembe Mutombo. Especially in a generic NBA jersey like that. 10/10.
Its another new Friday feature here on Barstool New York. This time we’re paying homage to the demented retards in the comments section. For the most part the comments section has devolved into a lame string of people complaining about us giving away free shit, advertisements, or babbling about which writers they like and don’t like. Pointless shit. But there’s always a few comments here and there from the funny Stoolies that actually add to the quality of the blog. Here’s a handful of the best from this week:
#5 - Brazilian Chick Posions Her Pussy To Kill Her Husband When He Goes Down On Her – Commenter: GetAtMe23 - “If it doesn’t taste like a roll of quarters, it’s poisoned.” Just spot on. It tastes like quarters.
#4 - 29 Year Old Woman Refuses To have Sex Ever Again - Commenter – herbie versmells – “she looks like she went to the plastic surgeon and said “doc, make me ugly enough so not even the barstool sports greaseballs would want to have sex with me” and he did an excellent job” Thats the harshest description of an ugly girl I’ve ever seen.
#3 - NYPD Cannibal Cop Blames Trying To Murder And Eat 100 Women On Cameron Diaz For Her Role In The Mask - Commenter – BearDown34 – “Cameron Diaz was my first boner too. Nearly split at the tip like a hotdog thats been in the microwave too long..” The imagery there is just amazing.
#2 – Top 5 Reasons Men Get Married - Commenter – TigersHoPatrol - “Bravo! My shit bag wife left almost a year and I’ve never been happier. Lap dances, guitars, trips, sex with different girls. Single is WAY better than being married.” 2 things – 1) Calling your wife a shitbag is hilarious. Its not fancy, just right to the point. 2) “Guitars” absolutely slayed me. I don’t even understand the context. This dude now just has free reign to buy lap dances and as many guitars as he wants.
#1 – Dan Marino Secretly Knocked Up A Chick In 2005 - Commenter – DoctorJac – “He gave her the old Roger Pedactor” Unreal Ace Ventura reference. I will undoubtedly be saying “give her the old Roger Pedactor” from now on anytime anything sexual with a chick happens.
Tune in next week for the top 5 that Stoolies have to offer.
So yesterday on the blog I ended up referencing a couple throwback smokeshows from the 90s, namely Cameron Diaz in her role in The Mask. And it got my wheels turning about the hottest chicks from this decade. Now obviously there are gonna be the Pamela Anderson Baywatch choices and the 90s was the rise of the Supermodel, but I also dug deep for some of those sleeper picks that made your pants tingle when you were like 13 years old. So join me on a trip down memory lane with thigh high bikini bottoms and big fake tits. Its the hot chicks of the 90s. (Please note for the most part, theres no particular order, except for the last 5 or so)
Scully From X Files
PSYCHE! Just fucking with you. This pale ginger was gross. I think I’d rather have fucked Mulder or the Smoking Man. Ok now its time to really start:
Jamie Powell In Charles In Charge
Might as well start at the beginning. Nicole Eggert AKA Jamie Powell was the first girl that let me know I wasn’t gay. I was like 5 years old and playing out fantasies where KFC was In Charge and I was her baby sitter and got to make out with her.
Smokeshow that competed in MTV Rock N Jock? Could be my dream girl. No doubt Dan Cortese and Bill Bellamy double teamed her
Cameron Diaz, specifically as her role as Tina Carlyle in The Mask
I explained my feelings about Cameron in The Mask in yesterday’s blog. She’s an absolute knockout in that movie. Like a blonde Jessica Rabbit thats come to life. Long blonde hair, long tight dresses, curvy as fuck. By the way, anybody ever notice its weird her last name is Diaz? What is she, Puerto Rican or something?
Remember when Hugh Grant cheated on her with a black transvestite prostitute? What an IDIOT.
Olympian. Nickelodeon’s Figure It Out. NBA Inside Stuff. Probably fucked Ahmad Rashad but whatever I’ll look the other way on that one.
Alyssa Milano – From Who’s The Boss To Poison Ivy To Charmed
You could make the argument that Alyssa Milano dominated this decade from start to finish more so than any other chick on the list. Samantha Miceli was a bad ass Brooklyn chick who could probably beat me up. So I just beat my dick to her instead. And make no mistake about it, the softcore porn Poison Ivy series was one of the most influential movies series of my life.
Gia From Full House
I’m not sure if this is exactly a prevalent choice, or just a weird KFC special, but Gia was like the original bad girl in my life. Smoking cigarettes in the bathroom and always trying to corrupt Stephanie. She was definitely that chicks giving blow jobs at 14 and losing her V card in 8th grade.
Commenter reminded me of her. No better way to explain her than the “poor mans Jennifer Love Hewitt.” Ordinarily thats an insult, but not when JLH is a 30 out of 10.
The Wild On! Girls – Jules Asner and Brooke Burke
Like a PG-13 Girls Gone Wild. I used to watch this on E! along with the Howard Stern show hoping for something good enough to masturbate too. Hat tip goes to Jules Asner for originally hosting it but Brooke Burke took that torch and became an immortal.
First Asian I ever thought was hot. Big deal
The Happy Madison Girls – Veronica Vaughn and Virginia Vennit
Veronica Vaugh, so hot, want to touch the heiney! Virginia Venit is actually hotter now on Modern Family but still did the V.V. Adam Sandler girls proud.
Cant believe that motherfucker Squints grew up to marry her
The original music video girl. From Cryin to Crazy to Amazing she just crushed all the Aerosmith videos as a slutty little bi-sexual minx. She whored it up real good in The Crush too. One of my favorite crushes of all time.
The Girls from Step By Step
That dumb slut Karen. Sexy tomboy Al. Mother that loved to get stuffed by Patrick Duffy. If these girls were my step sisters or mother I’d try to fuck all of them.
The Singled Out Girls – Jenny McCarthy And Carmen Electra
Both would go on to much sluttier, big fake titted careers, but they’ll always be the Singled Out Girls in my heart. Also, I will never forget this poster of Carmen Electra:
Tool Time Girls
Pam Anderson was FIRE as Lisa, but Heidi takes the cake here. How bad did Al Borland wanna fuck these chicks?
The Girls from Buffy – Sarah Michelle Gellar and Charisma Carpenter
Sarah Michelle Gellar owned Hollywood at one point. She was on Buffy for like 30 years and then she was trying to fuck her brother on Cruel Intentions. Top notch stuff. But for my money I’m taking Charisma Carpenter
Have MERCY. Which brings me to:
So lucky she got to fuck Uncle Jessie
Melody, Hey Dude
You can keep Amanda Bynes. You can have Alex Mack. Fuck Clarissa. Melody from Hey Dude is the hottest chick ever on Nickelodeon. Aside from Lori Beth Denberg of course.
In a world without internet porn, Bra and Panties matches were very important.
Yes she was weird. Yes she was prude. And yea, she got a little fat at times. But Topanga is a part of my puberty like you don’t even understand.
Natasha Henstridge, Species
Natasha Henstridge getting naked in Species was so so very important in the male development. Those sex scenes came at the perfect age when you still loved aliens and shit like a little boy does, but you also started to want to see naked chicks. Allow me to demonstrate in chart form:
The value of Natasha Henstridge getting naked and fucking dudes to death as an Alien:
1990s Supermodels – Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland
In my opinion, the top 2 models in a decade dominated by the rise of Supermodels.
Look as much as I pride myself on finding hidden gems from the 90s, if we’re being totally honest, the decade belongs to Baywatch. Pam Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, Donna Derrico, Nicole Eggert, Carmen Electra, the list goes on and on. Unstoppable lineup.
A white trash slut. Dumb as a balloon and DTF. Also known as, Perfect
Nikki Cox, Unhappily Ever After
Kelly Bundy 2.0. I think you could make the argument that in her prime on this show, Nikki Cox was the hottest thing ever on television.
Jennifer Love Hewitt
My number 1 crush of all time, potentially. Best tits in the history of tits. Can’t Hardly Wait. I know what you did last summer. And even though it occurred post 1990s, I’ll allow it – Heartbreakers. Sexiest movie role of all time.
Pound for pound the hottest TV girl ever. Blows Topanga and Winnie Cooper out of the water. When you think of high school cheerleader, you think Kelly Kapowski. The hottest most stereotypical chick of the 1990s.
Wild Things Threesome chicks
Probably the single most important moment of my life was seeing the Wild Things Threesome. Neve Campbell coming off her days of Scream. Denise Richards in her prime. Making out and pour champagne on each other. That was the day I became a man. Every straight red blooded male will analyze their life as BWTT and AWTT. Before Wild Things Threesome and After Wild Things Threesomes.
Important Note – I know Hit Me Baby One More Time came out in 1999, but I’m considering Britney a chick of the 2000s so she’s not eligible in my mind
Rachel and Monica from Friends.
The chicks from 90210
Jessie from Saved by the Bell doing Showgirls
A pretty thorough and comprehensive list, if you ask me. But I’m sure theres some chicks out there I missed or some girls you guys loved more than I did. Add on and if I missed and really important ones I’ll update the blog.
I feel like theres major dissension with these commercials. You either love em or you hate them. I personally love them. The host is a fucking pro. Knows exactly what he’s doing with these kids. Conducts an interview better than anybody in the business. And the 2 things at once kid:
And this fat fucker in the argyle sweater talking about taping a cheetah to his grandma’s back:
Are gonna be stars. Seems like they’re just straight up improvising right off the cuff with this stuff. Not to mention this chick:
is gonna be a stunner. Only problem with this whole series of commercials is the tree house one:
Hey overactor why don’t you give it a rest. Who the fuck would have a flat screen in their treehouse anyway? Why don’t you take a cue from fatso in the argyle sweater how to be subtly funny and stop ruining the best commercials on TV?
PS – The commercial where the Asian dad transforms into Kevin Durant and you think the mom wants to fuck him is the only commercial thats better than these
“Go play. Mommy’s got some things for Daddy to do.” Got the whole world thinking this Asian mom was sick of her husbands tiny pixelated dick and now she got to fuck some BBC.
UPDATE: Here’s one I had never seen before:
Press play to hear the thrilling conclusion to the time I got thoroughly embarrassed playing summer league hoops in New Rochelle
Here’s the conclusion to our special 90 minute edition of KFC Radio. We debated a classic question in the last half hour which was: what would you dream sports moment be? Would it be a walk off home run? Game winning buzzer beater? Overtime goal? An 80 yard TD run? You can make a solid argument for each and every scenario. Every sport and every circumstance is potentially the greatest moment of all time.
Personally I don’t think it gets better than a walk off home run. Especially if you can specify the circumstances and make it a Joe Carter World Series Clinching Dinger. But I wanna think outside the box here for a moment. Rather than go the traditional route of game winning goals/shots/hits/touchdowns, I wanna go with one of the most rare occurrences in sports. Something fresh in my mind off the 25th anniversary last week. How about a little Send It In Jerome breaking the backboard with a dunk? I’m pretty sure its virtually impossible nowadays, but thats a seriously exclusive club. I mean off the top of my head I can only think of a handful of guys who have done it. Jerome Lane, Big Country in warm ups like an asshole, Tractor Traylor, DARVIN HAM. Of course the original Chocolate Thunder, and Shaq collapsed the whole apparatus a couple times. But in general you can count on two hands the number of guys that have done that. You break the backboard dunking and you’ll be run in the highlight reel literally forever.
Sun – A dad has found the perfect nanny for his son – a giant PYTHON. Chan Liu leaves 13-year-old Azhe home alone with the 220lb snake in Dongguan, southern China. And instead of keeping her in a cage, Azhe amazes locals by kissing and cuddling the 15ft predator. He said: “She’s very careful with me and never squeezes too hard.” Azhe was born six years after his dad brought home a python egg and hatched it out. Chan revealed: “I’d always thought them the most beautiful creatures and I was interested to see what would happen when my son came along. “After a while we were certain the snake wouldn’t hurt him and we began to leave them together alone. They really are inseperable.” Eventually the family began to look on the Burmese python as a kind of nanny, who’d look out for their son when he was alone. Chan added: “I don’t think many kidnappers would tangle with her.”
For all the horrible “snakes biting/constricting/eating people” stories you hear, it’s good to see one that shows not ALL 15 foot-long, 220-lb. pythons are complete assholes. This motherfucker is adorable!
It just goes to prove that you shouldn’t let what’s heard or seen in the media influence your opinions on anything. So what if all you’ve ever heard is that pythons in a domestic situation turn out deadly? That’s what sells papers. Nobody reports on the nice ones. If it feels like the right thing to do, go with your gut. Let your 13 year-old snuggle up with a python 3 times his size if the snake seems kinda chill. It’s parental intuition. If Chan Liu says he’s certain a jungle creature won’t devour his son then I believe him. It’s safer than leaving Azhe home alone all day while he’s at the factory making Nikes.
Hands down one of the few things that makes me not regret flushing my life down the toilet to be a blogger is when a new Japanese Zoo Drill video comes out. 2011 was the escaped tiger. 2012 was the escaped papier mache rhino. Welp looks like 2013 is the year of the Zebra! Probably the most unrealistic to date, and thats saying a lot. Zebras don’t even walk on two feet, you idiots.
But I will say, bravo on that fake death, Asian Zebra Man. Bravo! Thats the kinda shit that makes people take these drills seriously, you know? Like when you’re a kid and you have a fire drill you just kinda go through the motions and you don’t actually learn how to prepare for a fire. But when zebras are knocking motherfuckers out and acting out tranquilization, thats the kinda stuff that will actually prepare Japanese Zoo Soldiers for escaped animals when an earthquake hits.
I hope everyone caught the premiere of The Americans this week because if you didn’t you seriously missed out. I wish I had known how good it was gonna be because I wouldn’t have written that blog about The Following. I would have saved my recommendation for this shit. Its the story of 2 KGB spies in America, married with kids, during the 1980s in Virginia when the shit is about to seriously hit the fan in the Cold War. The premiere was 90 minutes long and I honestly thought I was watching a movie. Its like the good old days of season 1 of Homeland except the romance plot of two spies faking a marriage for their mission is much more believable than a fucking terrorist and CIA agent falling in love. And there’s no Dana.
And if all that isn’t enough to pique your interest, the star of the show is Felicity Keri Russell and she is downright filthy these days. The opening scene is her in a blonde wig and lingerie blowing some guy but it got yanked from youtube as soon as I uploaded it. Willing to suck and fuck anything in the name of Mother Russia. If she’s gotta finger some guy in the ass to get some intel, then so be it – one prostate massage coming up. She’s ditched the curly fro that made her look like fucking Walter from the Go Daddy commercial and she’s kinda got this bad ass USSR slut vibe going on. Its just the icing on the cake for a show that shows a lot of promise.
I don’t know about you guys, but after The Definitive List Of Hot Chicks From The 90s, I’m feeling pretty nostalgic. I probably could have just showed these two videos instead of spending a couple hours on that blog. Thong bikinis and high cut bottoms for days. What a glorious time it was. I’m glad I was like a 90s kid, but part of me wishes I was a full grown man to reap all the benefits of living in this decade. Like this guy:
I’m not even remotely joking when I say I bet you that guy lived one of the greatest lives of all time. Viva La 90s!
Over a thousand votes are in, and Jess Green is your winner. Any other week my girl Emily Ratajkowski is taking home the crown. But it was a matchup of heavyweight contenders and Jess Green knocked her the fuck out. And listen, for everyone complaining about Rough N Rowdy Ring Girl – if someone reaches out to us and asks us to stop putting her up on the site, that what we do. She retired. Gave up the belt. Nothin I can do about it. Besides, Jess Green is infinitely hotter and deserves the title. Congrats to Big Cat and Barstool Chicago.
I feel like my kid was just up to bat with the bases loaded and 2 outs and flied out to the warning track. So close. Fuck.
ESPN – A message to the New York Yankees and their fans from Alex Rodriguez: I’m not going anywhere. “Alex has no plans at all to retire,” one source with close, personal ties to the embattled third baseman told ESPNNewYork.com on Thursday. Another source, authorized by Rodriguez to speak on his behalf, passed this along: “Alex says he’s working diligently on his rehabilitation and is looking forward to getting back on the field as soon as possible.” Since the disclosure this week of the presence of Rodriguez’s name in the records of Anthony Bosch, a “nutritionist” whose Miami-area anti-aging clinic is suspected of supplying human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs to professional athletes, speculation has run rampant that perhaps Rodriguez never would play another game for the Yankees. One report even went so far as to suggest that Rodriguez might retire from baseball, leaving behind the remaining money on his contract. But the word coming out of Miami, where Rodriguez has been rehabbing since undergoing hip surgery earlier this month, tells a different story. Both sources paint a picture of a player who, although stung by what he believes is a campaign by the Yankees to rid themselves of his onerous contract, is working hard to return to action sometime after the All-Star break. Earlier this week, ESPNewYork.com reported, citing sources, that the Yankees would explore multiple options to void Rodriguez’s contract, which was extended for 10 years after his MVP season in 2007.
Uhh, no fucking kidding. The guy has about 120 million guaranteed dollars coming his way over the next 5 years. No amount of injuries or suspensions is gonna stop that guy from riding this out. The Yankees are not going to be able to void his contract. They’re not gonna be able to move that contract. They gave him a 10 year extension into his early 40s like a bunch of assholes and now they have to deal with it. Their best bet is to help him do more HGH without getting caught. Get someone with half a fucking brain to do that shit secretively rather than have his goddam name all over the place at a steroids lab.
On another note how awkward is it when your team is openly, vigorously trying to void your contract? All reports indicate the Yankees are flat out desperate to get rid of him. And inevitably when they can’t do it they’re just gonna flip the script and start encouraging Alex and saying how they have confidence in him. So fucking stupid. I guess everyone has a job to do and everyone has to handle the media properly but its just absurd how phony everyone is in this situation. The Yankees resent Arod now and he probably hates the fact they’re trying to screw him out of his money. The next 5 years are going to be brutal and downright confrontational. Lets just cal it what it is.
Word on the street according to Barstool Arch Nemesis Darren Rovell is that they took 65 takes to get this kiss right for the Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial. That seems highly unlikely but if he got to do this more than once I might just go slam my dick in a drawer. Talk about hitting the fucking lottery as a fat ugly actor. I actually always think about that a lot – when you see a fat gross nerd in a movie or whatever you know that description of that role was “fat gross nerd.” And his agent comes to him and is like “this is perfect for you.” And then you audition and the producer is like “this role is perfect for you.” And on some level you gotta realize you’re a fat gross nerd. Sure, you’re an actor and whatnot, but on some basic level thats what you are. Gotta be a little bit depressing, right?
Until you land the commercial of a lifetime and get to do a fake-no-tongue-makeout with Bar Refaeli. Then its all worth it. Then the tables have turned and the pretty boy actors of the world can go fuck themselves. Fuck yea, Walter! Jew fro and rosacea, FTW! Revenge of the Nerds!
PS – If this really took a ton of takes there’s no way this dude didn’t cum in his pants at some point. At the very least he was rocking a full blown erection.
NBC LA – A man wanted on suspicion of drunken driving led police Friday on a slow-speed pursuit, pulled over and started inhaling from balloons in a bizarre standoff that ended with officers smashing his window and pulling him from the vehicle. The suspect was identified by his father, who was at the scene, as 24-year-old Jorge Leonardo Sanchez. The man’s father told NBC4 that Sanchez had problems in the past with nitrous oxide, an inhalant typically known as laughing gas that when huffed creates a feeling of euphoria. The slow-speed chase started about 10:45 a.m. Friday and lasted approximately 10 minutes before Sanchez pulled over. The man pulled the car forward and then reversed it multiple times. An officer snuck in front of the vehicle and put down a spike strip, which the driver ran over, entangling it under the sedan. Aerial video showed the man inhaling from balloons and then refilling them with some sort of tank inside the car. At 11:12 a.m., six police officers with guns drawn approached the vehicle. After talking to Sanchez through the passenger-side window, one of the officers fired a low-impact BB round into the car, striking him. Police then swarmed the vehicle. One officer smashed in the driver-side window, opened the door and pulled the man to the ground.
No one has ever personified “fuck it, it’s Friday” more than Jorge Leonardo Sanchez just did. We’re not talking heroin or crack here. We’re talking whippits. Reddi-wip. It’s not like he has some smack addiction that’s overtaken his life. He’s just sending a message to all of us before heading into the weekend. A spike strip & line of cops in riot gear with their weapons drawn essentially riding shotty aren’t gonna stop his nitrous party, and that’s god damn inspiring. So when you’re at your Super Bowl bash on Sunday and feel like you need to slow down because you’re acting a little stupid or you gotta work Monday morning, say “fuck it” in honor of Jorge. Don’t let your embarrassed girlfriend or asshole boss piss in your Cheerios. If you’re not burning a sick day on Monday with your chick not talking to you, then you did the Super Bowl wrong.
So for all you NHL Stoolies, here’s your chance. We’re finally showing you some love. You’re always complaining about a lack of hockey talk on the Stool so this is for you. I have absolutely zero fucking clue what I’m doing. I just picked a bunch of guys named Bergeron because that seems like a safe bet in the NHL. Took Jagr because I remember he crushed it in NHL ’94. I honestly just divided $55,000 by 9 and picked a bunch of dudes around the $6,100 range.
So my point is if you know what you’re doing and have any sort of fantasy hockey knowledge, this is your tournament. Everyone knows enough about fantasy football and hoops to give you a run for your money. If you know hockey you’re way ahead of the pack on this one.
$2,000 in total prizes, $600 for first place.
89 spots, prizes to 9th place.
$25 to enter, up to five entries allowed.
Tournament starts at 7pm EST on Saturday. Payouts occur after games end.
We’re retiring our current champion from last week for 2 reasons. 1) She’s just not hot enough and 2) Apparently shes kind of loony tunes. And I’m basically like the Vince McMahon of this whole circus so I get to make the decisions. So the Best of the Best title now has a vacant belt. But there absolutely could not be a better showdown for the new champ. We were blessed with two of the best GTA candidates of all time this week, courtesy of Barstool New York and Barstool Chicago:
Challenger #1: 19 Year Old Australian model/instagram wonder Jess Green
Challenger #2 – Carl’s Jr Commercial Girl/model Emily Ratajkowski
Its an absolute sin these girls aren’t more famous than they are. Fat ass Kate Upton is running around ruling the world when there are chicks like these two with much better tits, better bodies, and prettier faces. At any rate, Jess Green may be the hottest chick on the planet. On top of a slamming body she’s got a gorgeous face. But just remember this is an ass vote. In which case I think my girl Emily takes the cake. I feel like me and Big Cat are like 2 dads cheering on their children or something. Both of us pulling hard for our girls to win. Its like they’re 2 pit bulls in a dog fight and we’re their owners. Except I want to have sex with them and I don’t wanna have sex with dogs.
At any rate, check out the full galleries I linked to in each challenger description to get a full feel for each girl and vote. Either way we got a new champion this afternoon
Vote 1 for Emily whatsherface Vote 10 for Jess Green