Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Preschool Shut Down After 5 Year Old Girl Gave Oral Sex To All The Boys

Gothamist – A preschool is shutting down after allegations of sexual activity between students were reported. Richard McCarthy says his 4-year-old son received oral sex from a 5-year-old girl several times as a student at First Lutheran Church of Carson School, according to ABC 7. At least one other boy at the school reported that the girl had done the same thing to him at the school in Carson, California. McCarthy told ABC what his son told him: “It went down in the classroom, it went down in the bathroom and it went down out on the playground.” Now McCarthy and the parents of three other students are filing a lawsuit against the school and church, alleging that their students weren’t being adequately monitored. The suit, which the attorney says will be filed tomorrow, claims that there were times when school aides were literally sleeping on the job. “It all boils down to a lack of supervision,” attorney Greg Owen told ABC News. “There were times when teachers would let aides in the room for hours at a time to watch the kids. During naptime, the aides would be sleeping and the children would have been molesting each other during this time.” The school announced that it is closing next Friday, and it gave parents two weeks’ notice. ”The two boys that have been introduced to this feeling that they don’t know how to process are still looking for it, and trying to make it happen,” McCarthy told ABC 7. He added, “There’s no way I can just take him to another school and be that parent that just lets a predator loose. How else do you explain it?”

Jiminy fucking cricket! I can’t remember too much about preschool but what I do remember pales in comparison to this little whorehouse. I vaguely remember having a “cubby,” snack time, nap time, and shitting in my pants. Not sure if I was snoozing through the dick sucking or we just missed that all together but I can say without a doubt I’m jealous.

But you know who I wanna hear from in this story? All the fathers. I want to hear the First Luthern Church Preschool Dick Sucking Scandal in the words of all the fathers. Because I can promise you you’re gonna hear 2 very different versions depending on who you talk to. Like can you imagine whats going through the mind of this 5 year old girl’s father? Bro your life is doomed. Its absolutely over. Just throw that girl in a dumpster and put a bullet in your fucking head pal – because your daughter is sucking dicks at the age of FIVE. Your one goal when you have a daughter is to try to get as many virgin years as possible. You strive for 100 years – a lifetime of virginity. You realistically pray for like 24 of them. There’s a lot of guys out there who only get about 16 years of virginity. You got FIVE dude. Just cuncel your life because – as impossible as it may be to believe this – its only downhill from here.

And then on the flip side you got 2 dads who’s sons come home from school one day and retell the tale of the time they got their first blow task before they even learned to tie their shoes. How the fuck do you react to that?? I’m not gonna be some unrealistic hardo and claim these guys high fived their kids and threw them a Bud Light and started sharing blow job war stories. And you probably gotta worry about your kid growing up a sex offender or something after he’s getting blown at age 5. But do you think there’s some element of primal male pride? Like your offspring is just cocked and loaded already crushing it before he can sing his ABCs. Yea in today’s standards thats some deviant behavior but as a dad you can get a lot worse phone calls from the principal about your kid.

Just ask that 5 year old girl’s father.

 

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

New Jersey School Bans Girls From Cursing

(NEWSER– New Jersey’s Queen of Peace High School would like girls to stop cursing, saying it wants “ladies to act like ladies,” a teacher tells the Record. So the Catholic school asked the girls, but not the boys, to take a pledge not to swear, NBC10 reports. The boys, instead, were told they “are not to swear in the presence of ladies.” But they should take the pledge, too, says one girl: “Boys should be more like gentlemen.” Teachers say they’re hoping the girls’ clean talk will inspire boys. A boy, meanwhile, tells the Record that “it’s unattractive when girls have potty mouths.” But he says he can’t stop himself from swearing while pitching for the school’s baseball team.

Unless we’re in the bedroom, where I want a chick to swear like a sailor with Tourettes, I think I can get down with this ban. Like obviously any normal person is gonna drop a casual fuck, shit, ass bitch because thats basically the only way to really communicate. But I don’t need a chick who’s shtick is to try to talk like one of the guys. You know what I mean? Its basically the same as trying to watch sports with the guys and pretending you’re as big of a fan as we are. Don’t try to talk like a dude just for the shock value of it all. And if you’re dropping a casual “cunt” or “twat” in your every day convo, you probably should clean your shit up. Its a double standard, deal with it.

Again, like I said, behind closed doors I wanna hear every F word, P word, D Word, A word C word and Z word out of your mouth. But other than that its like little man said – its unattractive when girls have potty mouths.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

The 3rd Worst Day Of The Year – The Day After The Super Bowl

How the fuck is today not a national holiday yet? Behind the Day After New Years and The Day After Labor Day is Super Bowl Monday. We celebrate fake ass holidays like Columbus Day and MLK Day but we can’t get a Super Bowl Monday off? President’s Day is in a couple weeks, why can’t we just celebrate that on the first Monday in February every year? Who knows when George Washington was really born anyway. Or why don’t they just have the Super Bowl on Saturday? They take a fucking week off for Media Week anyway, just play on that second Saturday and let us have Sunday to recover. Everyone would still watch.

Bottom line is making everyone work today is as un-American as it gets. And not just because of the hangover and the food coma and waking up dead tired. The Monday after the Super Bowl is the end of my football season. Yea, the Jets were out of it by week 8, but I was still out there every Sunday. I may not be on the field every Sunday but for 20 like 20 straight weeks I’m at the bar spending too much money drinking too much booze eating too much food rooting way too hard for a shitty football team. As far as I’m concerned, I’m competing in my own right. And after it all comes to an end I think I earned one day off to manage that depression. Forget about debt ceilings and fiscal cliffs and shit, Obama! Just move up President’s Day 2 weeks and leave your mark on America for the rest of eternity.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Kai The Homeless Hitchhiker Hatchet Man Is Straight Fake Life

NewsTribuneA Pacific Gas & Electric worker rammed by a driver from Tacoma has a broken leg and will need to remain in Community Regional Medical Center for a couple of more days, officials say. The 37-year-old worker, who has been with PG&E for five years, asked not to be identified. He was talking to family members and in good spirits Saturday, said Denny Boyles, PG&E spokesman. “It’s not his belief that anyone should be angry with the driver,” Boyles said. “He just hopes the man gets the help he needs.” Fresno County sheriff’s deputies arrested Jett Simmons McBride, 54, of Tacoma on suspicion of ramming his car into the worker. McBride was booked into the Fresno County Jail early Saturday on suspicion of attempted murder. His bail was set at $1 million. According to sheriff’s officials: About 2 p.m. Friday, McBride drove his car toward a PG&E work crew, wedging workers between two vehicles west of Highway 99 in Fresno. McBride had picked up a hitchhiker, who said McBride was making racist remarks when he came upon the PG&E workers, one of whom was black. Police say McBride lodged the black worker between his car and the work truck, got out of his car and began beating the worker and attacking others who tried to stop him. The hitchhiker then got out of the car and started hitting McBride with a hatchet, officials said. Witnesses say the hitchhiker eventually knocked out McBride, who is 6 feet 4 and weighs 290 pounds, according to jail records.

I’ll be perfectly honest, I thought this was all fake. Thought it was just some hoax to try to go viral. I mean look at that asshole reporter. He’s wearing 2 watches and a fake FOX polo thats tucked in only in the front like I used to do with Tommy Hilfiger shirts in the mid 90s.   I “did some research” AKA did 1 or 2 Google searches because I was skeptical about it all. He’s not a real reporter or anything. Just a jabroni who runs around trying to do his own newscasts before the real people get there. He’s tweeting and commenting on all the Youtube videos like a schoolgirl. But apparently all this shit did actually happen. Some 6 foot 4 300 pound man ran down some black dude and Kai the Homeless Hitchhiker Hatchet Man saved some woman’s life by attacking him with an axe. No word on whether that dude actually raped a 14 year old in the Virgin Islands but I guess there’s no reason to doubt Kai if he’s telling the truth about everything else.

So congrats to Kai. Not only is he a hero for saving that girl, but he’s officially dethroned Uncle Buck for the most famous hatchet scene of all time.

“Smash, Smash, SUH-MASH” is the new “Not to kill, no. Just to maim.”

 

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 10:00 AM

Man Says IRS Agent Threatened Him With A Tax Penalty If He Didn’t Fuck Her

EUGENE, Ore. (AP)An Oregon man has filed a lawsuit against an IRS agent with whom he had sex, claiming he was coerced into the relationship because the woman showed up at his door “provocatively attired” and threatened him with a tax penalty. Vincent Burroughs, 40, of Fall Creek filed the lawsuit last week in federal court in Eugene. The agent, Dora Abrahamson, and the federal government are listed as defendants, and Burroughs wants a jury to award him unspecified punitive damages. According to the suit, Abrahamson contacted Burroughs about an audit in August 2011. Abrahamson allegedly told Burroughs “she knew who he was, and that it was lucky for him that this was the case, and that they should meet.” The agent subsequently flirted with Burroughs over the telephone and via text messages, offered him massages and sent him a photo of herself in her underwear, the lawsuit states. Burroughs initially ignored the woman’s advances, according to the lawsuit, but he surrendered after a “provocatively attired” Abrahamson arrived at his home in September 2011, the lawsuit states. “She told (Burroughs) that she could be a bitch, or that she could be nice,” the suit states. “She said that she could impose no penalty, or a 40 percent penalty, and that if he would give her what she wanted, she would give him what he needed.” The lawsuit claims that Abrahamson’s conduct caused the plaintiff distress and a rift in his relationship with a “significant other.”

So let me get this straight. You got to fuck some slut and you’re off the hook on your tax audit…and you’re the victim? This is like that idiot cop who killed himself because he was fucking his boss. Or the guy suing for getting his dick sucked while he was unconscious in the hospital. Like hey fellas nobody feels bad for you. Alright maybe some people feel bad for the guy in the hospital because it ended up being another dude that was blowing him. But for the most part these guys are not only getting free pussy thrown their way but they’re also reaping all sorts of benefits. The NYPD cop got all the best job assignments and this dude avoids his tax penalties. These assholes are redefining “having your cake and eating it too” and they’re filing lawsuits and killing themselves and shit. Hey guys how about you just get your rocks off and don’t rock the boat? Things could be worse. The rest of the country is being audited and fined and penalized by fat dudes and this guy gets a IRS whore, avoids his fine, and still wants punitive damages. What a fucking greedy son of a bitch.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Is Hiring Competitive Eater Takeru Kobayashi To Come To Your Super Bowl Party The Most Absurd Move Of All Time?

KFC,

I was at my buddies super bowl party tonight and he paid Takeru Kobayashi to come to his house and eat a dominoes pizza in under a minute…which he did and I have video. I can send videos asap let me know if you are interested in putting them up

Andrew

Is this absolutely the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? Thats a serious question right there. Could genuinely be the most preposterous thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t know whether to call it a power move or a hardo move or just a flat out hilarious move. But having Takeru Kobayashi come to your Super Bowl party and then challenging him to eating stunts like he’s some kind of goddam slave is downright outrageous. Like “hey guys come by around 5pm I got wings, beer, guacamole, pigs in a blanket, and Japanese Competitive Eater Takeru Kobayashi. Should be a good time.” You’d think the least these guys could do would be get him a real fucking pizza. Poor bastard is obviously already strapped for cash, forced to degrade himself to the likes of a circus monkey performing tricks for the Round Eyed Devil. Now he’s gotta eat Dominos pizza? Christ where’s the humanity guys? Throw the guy a bone and get him a real pie next time you’re having him perform stupid human tricks for you.

I just have so many questions about the whole thing. How much does this cost? Do you pay him in American dollars or Yen? Does he come with an escort or some sort of liaison? Like when you hire strippers to a bachelor party and they come with a bodyguard? Did he stay for the game? Is that even actually Takeru Kobayashi? All Asians look alike so theres like a 50% chance thats just a random Asian guy stuffing his face with pizza and I’ve been duped. My mind is racing right now.

PPS – Here’s extra video of a chugging contest between Kobayashi and one of the guys at the party. Just downright depressing to watch this one-time Nathan’s Hot Dog champ getting smoked and taunted by some drunk clown. How the mighty have fallen.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Stephen A Smith Was Laying Down Some Serious Game To Serena Williams On Twitter Last Night

Vomit all up in my mouth. I don’t know whats more nauseating, this pathetic attempt by Stephen A Smith, or the fact that some dudes out there find Serena Williams attractive. Serena Williams is about as sexy as Adrian Peterson. I know its more of a white/black thing but I mean, come on:

I don’t care what race you are or what type of women you like, thats monstrosity is not sexy in any way shape or form. And especially in comparison to Beyonce. Beyonce brought the fucking NOISE for black chicks last night. Even your boy KFC had a little jungle fever and I pretty much never want to bang black girls. And Stephen A is out there babbling like a school girl implying Serena Williams would have pulled that outfit off. Repugnant.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Donald Trump Suing Bill Maher For $5 Million Because Maher Failed To Pay Up After Trump Proved He Wasn’t Born From An Orangutan

Politico- Donald Trump filed a lawsuit Monday in California against liberal comic Bill Maher, suing him for $5 million after Trump says Maher did not follow through on a $5 million public bet he made on “The Tonight Show.” “I don’t know whether this case will be won or lost, but I felt a major obligation to bring it on behalf of the charities,” Trump said in a public statement first obtained by POLITICO. Last month, Maher said on NBC to Jay Leno that he would pay $5 million to Trump’s charity of choice if he provided a birth certificate proving that he’s not “spawn of his mother having sex with orangutan.” It was similar to an offer Trump made to President Barack Obama during the presidential campaign season, in which Trump wanted Obama to release his college records. Trump’s statement continued: “Bill Maher made an unconditional offer while offer while on The Jay Leno Show and I, without hesitation, accepted his offer and provided him with the appropriate documentation. Prior demands for payment went ignored by Mr. Maher despite the fact that the beneficiaries of this suit will ultimately be the charities […] who would share equally the $5 million — something I am certain they can desperately use.” “He promised me $5 million for charity if I provided certain information,” Trump said Monday on Fox News’s “Fox & Friends.” “Well I provided the information. He didn’t pay. So today I sue Bill Maher for $5 million for charity.” “[Maher] made me an offer. I accepted the offer immediately, and he didn’t come through with the $5 million,” Trump said on Fox News.

I mean when you’re right you’re right. Challenge was offered, challenge accepted, challenge completed. The Donald ain’t an orangutan. Where’s the 5 mill, Bill?

On a side note, you have gotta respect the fuck out of Trumps ability to continually keep himself in the news somehow. I mean whether you agree with Trumps views or Maher’s views, if you’re conservative or liberal, republican or democrat, you simply have to admire a guy who’s making headlines because he was able to prove his mother never fucked an orangutan. Thats impressive. That takes a special level of commitment as a fame-whore and an incredible lack of self respect and shame to do. The Donald just taking it to a whole ‘nother level.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Radio DJ In Hot Water For Saying A Caller Was Retarded Because She Was Actually Retarded

Canton, Ohio (WOIO)A phone call to a Canton area radio station made by Kellie Baker, a 30-year-old woman with Down Syndrome, was the source of amusement for one disc jockey at WDJQ. That DJ, Mo is now suspended from the airwaves and has apologized on-air to Baker. Baker’s family says she called the radio station by mistake. Listeners of the radio show could hear Kellie repeatedly trying to end the call but Mo keeps her on the air. His mocking continues with, “You don’t know who Mo is?  Ok, so I can laugh at you and you won’t know who to call to say you’re offended?  Ha Ha.  Very good.”

I mean not like it erases DJ Mo’s comments but this girl flat out said she was enjoying all the attention in that interview. Doesn’t that kind of cancel out the insensitive aspect? Its not like she’s sitting at home crying because she has Downs. If Kellie Baker is loving the local fame then who really cares? Like she could have hung up at any time and she stayed on the line with Mo. Probably loved every second of it even though she was being mocked. I guess there’s no such thing as bad publicity when you’re retarded.

At any rate whats up with the different levels of downs? Some of them are actors and shit. This one clearly could use a phone. But some are really handicapped. All kinda look the same though. I guess the lesson to be learned here is if you’re DJ Mo or just an average person you never really can tell who is retarded and just how retarded they may be so err on the side of caution.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Barstool Blackout Smokeshow of the Day – Amanda…Fckin Foam Tour Finally Returning To Jersey

Introducing Amanda from Rutgers. The kids at Rutgers begged for it. Every college all across the state pleading for yet another stop for the Fckin Foam Blackout Tour in Dirty Jerz. So we scratched and clawed and fought for you guys to throw another Blackout banger. The Sun National Bank Center is the last place in the state of New Jersey that will allow a Barstool event, so don’t miss out. Tickets are going on sale FRIDAY at NOON. New Jersey shows are always some of our biggest and most successful, so don’t sleep on tickets.

I’ll keep you posted on whether or not the Big Man himself Chris Christie will be in attendance. I’ll get him a custom Blackout fleece.

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Giants Prioritizing Nicks Over Cruz Is Obviously The Smart Play

ESPNFor all the talk there has been about the New York Giants signing restricted free agent wide receiver Victor Cruz to a long-term contract, the team is putting a bigger emphasis at this time on signing wide receiver Hakeem Nicks to a long-term deal, according to league sources. Nicks, 25, has one year remaining on his contract, but New York would like to tie him to the team long term as it views him as a legitimate No. 1 receiver. Due to injuries to his knee and foot, Nicks failed to post 1,000 yards receiving for the first time since 2009. It was the first time in three seasons that Nicks did not have at least 76 receptions, 1,000 yards and seven touchdowns in a season. The Giants also would like to keep the 26-year-old Cruz, but at this time, Nicks’ contract status is the higher priority. Giants owner John Mara said last week that he wants Cruz to remain a Giant, but at a reasonable price. “We certainly want him back, but like with any player, there’s a limit to where we’re going to go.”

Well, it’s official. The New York Giants are no longer the defending Super Bowl champs. A murderer came out on top in the Blackout Bowl while San Francisco is telling everyone they were still the better team (sound familiar?) – so it’s time to look ahead to next season. Big Blue certainly have holes to fill – namely at linebacker and on the offensive line – as well as decisions to make on other FA’s (Andre & Stevie Brown, Beatty, Boothe, Black Unicorn should all be back). But easily their most public of off-season decisions will be whether or not Victor Cruz takes his salsa elsewhere. Obviously, in a perfect world, keeping both Nicks & Cruz in blue is the ideal outcome – but prioritizing Nicks with the potential of Victor walking is the right thing to do.

Cruz is a restricted free agent – if he ends up getting tendered then receives an offer from another team which the G-Men don’t match, they’ll get a first-round pick as compensation. Losing Nicks after 2013 gets them nada. And although he’s been around longer, Hakeem’s a year younger than Victor. You could argue that he’s yet to play a full 16, but if you put his two seasons prior to 2012 up against Cruz’ career, the numbers are basically the same. Nicks’ best year was actually in 2010 without Cruz, so he’s proven he can stand on his own just as Eli’s proven he can throw to anyone. Barden & Hixon both had 100-yard games out of nowhere. Besides, look at the recent guys who left NY thinking they could play. Steve Smith. Manningham. Can Cruz succeed as well in the slot without a legit #1 like Nicks on the outside?

Last but not least, Cruz is at peak value. Nicks could be a bargain. So whatever the terms would be for Nicks’ deal set the template for Cruz. Sure, he’d probably pull in a bigger haul from another squad, but I think in the end his current high demands will come down to fit. Call it a hometown discount or just call it smart – staying part of one of the best WR duos in the NFL for a team seemingly built to be in the postseason hunt for the near future should be a no-brainer if & when he gets his offer from the Giants. Reality is, though, he needs them more than they need him. If he’s tendered & walks, he’ll certainly be missed – but a #1 pick & Eli’s ability to churn out successful receivers will ensure it’s not the crippling blow many people think it would be.


By 610 posted February 4th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Chick Training For Zero Gravity Sex To Be The First Porn Star In Space

Huff Po – Sometime in March 2014, an adult actress hopes to make one small step for porn and one giant step for pornkind. Coco Brown, 34, who, using that name as well as “Honey Love,” has starred in porn epics like “Big Booty Bomb 2,” “Sugarwalls Slop Shots” and “It Don’t Matter, Just Don’t Bite 5″ is now in the Netherlands training to become the first adult star and the second African America woman to take the journey into that final frontier. Brown, who is based in Germany, said the opportunity to go where no porn star has gone before is being provided by SpaceXC, a private company in the Netherlands attempting to make private space travel viable by Spring of next year. “I was at a luncheon in Berlin and I was specially invited and they were talking about going into space,” Brown told The Huffington Post during a recent interview at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. “It’s that simple.” Brown is paying $100,000 for the privilege of being one of the first private citizens into space and, for her money, she will go up about 62 miles above the Earth surface. If she passes the training, that is. “I have to do Zero G gravity training,” she explained. “That’s where an aircraft takes you up 30,000 feet and then drops like it’s going to have an air crash to about 15,000 feet. Then you have zero gravity. They do it at certain intervals and then levels off being dropped and then you feel different types of gravity.”

First of all, “Sugarwalls Slop Shots” is far and away the greatest porn title of all time. I don’t think there’s anything even close to that. So I kind of understand why she’s going to such great lengths to fuck in space. Because with Sugarwalls Slop Shots, Coco Brown already conquered porn on earth. Whats she gonna do? Mail it in and make Big Booty Bomb 3? For sure not. Its almost like getting Phil Jackson to come out of retirement  in a way. He’s only gonna do it if its a challenge and its worth his time and can actually add to his already legendary resume. Not just gonna go through the motions for the sake of working.

Nope, once you’ve starred in Sugarwalls Slop Shots the next logical step and really your only choice is to take your ebony talents to outer space. Only question is though, what are you gonna call it? Originally I thought “Zero G Spot Gravity” or something to that effect was a layup. But I think given Coco Brown’s make up the choice here is clear. Keep it real simple and just call it:

Black Holes.

PS – Sugarwalls Slop Shots looks like it might be the single most disgusting porno of all time. (NSFW link to screencaps and description)

By KFC posted February 4th, 2013 at 11:30 AM
© 2014 Barstool Sports | Disclaimer | Copyright | Privacy Policy | Media Kit