Is it too much to ask that we get the Big Man and chair that he can fucking fit in? I mean that thing is not even close to big enough. My man has like 1/4 of 1 cheek on that seat. That means 1/8th of his whole ass. 7/8ths ass just hanging off the chair as he sits sideways while Letterman yaps his ear off. Can’t we get a special edition Chris Christie chair for this one interview?? Imagine playing Musical Chairs with the Governor? Shit would last one round. Chris Christie would sit down and his ass would wrap around the whole circle of seats. His ass fat just expanding across every open chair like some sort of Musical Chairs Manifest Destiny and everyone would automatically be out and he’d win right away.
At any rate, not many people own being fat better than Chris Christie. Its like he knows he’ll never be skinny enough to please people, so he just goest over the top and gets fatter and makes it his schtick. Maybe thats what I should do. Because if you want to be fat and like being fat, when people call you fat it doesn’t affect you, you know? Yup. Thats it. I’m gonna strive to be as fat as I fucking can. Feitelberg, fetch me my donuts!
PS – I haven’t had a donut in a month and I’m fucking dying. Dunkin Donuts came out with a fucking brownie batter filled donut and Krispy Kreme came out with a Oreo cookie cream filled one. Like God is just taunting me while I try not to become morbidly obese.
Independent UK – Men who watch more than 20 hours of television a week risk halving their sperm count, researchers warn. A sedentary lifestyle can have a major impact on a man’s ability to reproduce, the research found. And while regular, vigorous exercise was shown to boost sperm count, excessive television-watching can counteract the positive effects of physical activity. The study, published by the British Journal of Sports Medicine, looked at the lifestyles of 189 healthy men between the ages of 18 and 22, over a three-month period, to establish a link between environmental factors and semen quality. It found an increasingly idle lifestyle might be a contributing factor to declining sperm levels. Other factors assessed included medical or reproductive health problems, diet, stress levels and smoking. Men who watched more than 20 hours of television a week had a sperm count 44 per cent lower than those who watched the least, it found. Volunteers who were most physically active, doing more than 15 hours of exercise a week, had a 73 per cent higher sperm count than the least physically active. However, men who did regular exercise but also watched a lot of TV recorded lower sperm counts.
Welp, looks like my semen can swim about as well as black kids in the hood. I probably clock upwards of 20 hours in a single day. My TV is on from 9 to about midnight and I rarely leave the house. If an idle lifestyle of 20+ hours of TV a week, no exercise, and excessive drinking kills your sperm I might as well just neuter myself, because my balls are officially useless. When I nut I’m basically just shooting out hair conditioner at this point. Useless white goo that couldn’t impregnate the most Fertile Crescent on the planet.
But what do I fucking care? My cum sucks, so what? You think I wanna have awesome cum? For sure not. Just ask Antonio Cromartie or Travis Henry or something. Those guys fucking hate their Super Sperm. If they could trade ballsacks for my lazy, underachieving jizz they would do it in a heartbeat. Bottom line is you really only want your semen to swim to the finish line like 3 or 4 times your entire life. Pop out a couple intentional kids and other than that you want the goalie blocking your shot every single other time. I’d rather have low quality semen and have to cross my fingers to knock a bitch up than have mutant cum and have to dodge pregnancy bullets my whole life. Forget condoms and forget the Pill, the best birth control is being lazy and drunk and loving television.
“Make sure you pull out!” “Its ok baby I watch Francesa every single day from 1 to 6 and I drink 30 beers a weekend. You got nothin to worry about.”
Daily News – A gymgoer who claims her LA Fitness personal trainers harassed her with lewd comments and made her do humiliating exercise routines is suing the chain. Dallas woman Jamie Johnson claims two instructors used sexual innuendos when speaking to her — with one asking her to do a particular exercise so he could see her chest move. Chase Laws, her attorney, filed a suit for “deceptive trade practices and negligence.” The suit claims LA Fitness did not honor its contract with Johnson because it did not provide her with a safe workout environment. It also alleges that she suffered traumatic emotional distress, was unable to function in her normal activities and that her husband also suffered emotionally from the alleged ordeal. Johnson said that one of the trainers was “honest” when she asked why he was putting her through “strange exercise.” “He would answer bluntly, ‘So, I can see your chest move while you do it.’ And, not in an exercising kind of way. More in a sexual way.” Johnson said she then tried a new trainer, but he sent her a “vulgar” text message which flashed up on her cell phone as her 5-year-old son was there. She added: “That’s extremely inappropriate, and I felt embarrassed and ashamed and violated.” The staff offered her $400, but she did not feel that it was enough to justify her suffering. And so she contacted an attorney. She added: “I would like to have these guys realize they can’t treat women this way.”
I don’t hate this bitch. You kinda gotta respect her hustle, doing whatever it takes to never actually have to “hustle” or exert any physical effort other than chucking Devil Dogs down her gullet. Dragging an obviously over-exaggerated story into the public so shitheads like me can call her a whale is a fair trade-off for people like Jaimie. She’s cool with being gross. Now, not only has the “traumatic emotional distress” made it so she can never attempt to work out again without reliving the horror of mashing her fat tits together while doing flies, she’s managed to tie it into why she’ll never fuck her husband & her kid will be a loser. That’s impressive dedication to lazy. Some people were just born to be overweight & out of shape though. When they’re pushed into doing something healthy, these are the lengths they’ll go to in order to say, “See, I tried it your way and look what happened!”, then gorge worse than ever. Don’t be surprised when Mr. “I Haven’t Had A Donut In A Month” files suit accusing his gym of gawking at his milk sacks flapping on the treadmill under his Barstool hoodie.
MSN - North Korea dreams of nuking New York City to the tune of “We Are the World.” That’s the gist of the latest propaganda video from the Hermit Kingdom, which uses cutting-edge 1980s video editing to portray the dreams of one citizen comrade, fantasizing about the Big Apple leveled by a Communist missile attack. The choice of music is odd by anyone’s standards, but if one were being nuked, there are probably worse songs to accompany it than a Michael Jackson ballad raising money for Africa.
This is why North Korea is terrifying. They are so fucking wacky I don’t think you can predict anything they’re ever gonna do. That new moon face Kim Jong-Un is basically like a little kid with nuclear bombs. One day he might just get bored and throw a temper tantrum and bomb us. He’s like the college basketball freshman sensation who’s pure athleticism. If he learns some post up moves and how to actually play the game, watch out – he could absolutely dominate. But for right now he’s a kid with just raw talent. Thats fucking North Korea. If they ever stop being goofy Asians and focus on taking over the world we could be absolutely fucked.
The good news is they’re still busy making videos like this where they dream of the space program and World Cup soccer and nuclear war. The day we stop seeing wacky North Korea youtubes is the day I go to live in an underground bomb shelter.
Bro that hoop isn’t even regulation size. You’re shooting one of those bouncy balls that you pick out of the big cage basket at Toys R Us. You have your sister playing defense. And last but not least your form fucking sucks. Are you shooting hoops or is that a soccer throw in?? Good luck trying to get away with that on the hardwood.
Although I will say your Thomas The Tank Engine PJs kill it, and your two older brothers might be the most pathetic kids on the planet earth. Like hey guys in case you didn’t notice, your little brother is shitting all over you. Your parents love him better than you and you’re nothing more than extras in his highlight reel. Maybe have a little bit of brotherly pride and put this little fucker in his place? Have some respect for yourselves.
PS – Laying on the trampoline with the pacifier in your mouth as you drain baskets on the Fischer Price is as cocky as it gets for a 2 year old.
Huff Po – You don’t get to choose whether this dress is revealing or not — your carnal instincts do. The ‘Intimacy 2.0′ dress, designed by Daan Roosegaarde, is getting a rise out of the fashion world because its opaque fabric becomes transparent when you get aroused. Finally, all the cards will be on the table. You’ll have your date saying, “Is your dress disappearing, or are you just happy to see me?” The already barely-there garment features ribbons of leather and opaque “e-foils,” which can detect the model’s heartbeat, the Daily Mail reports. ”Intimacy 2.0 is a fashion project exploring the relation between intimacy and technology,” Roosegaarde said. “Technology is used here not merely functional but also as a tool to create intimacy as well as privacy on a direct, personal level which in our contemporary tech society is becoming increasingly important.”
Well its about fucking time. You know how long men and women have been wasting time dancing around each other because of mixed signals? You know how many times guys have gotten in trouble for thinking they had a green light when she was actually thinking, at the very best, it was a blinking red? Well lets just do away with all the confusion. Simple rules to live by here in the future of Fuck Dresses – if you can see your girls nipples through her dress, she wants to bang. Thats about as clear cut as it gets. You don’t sit there thinking “does she want me to kiss her or not?” “Should I invite her up to my place or not?” “Does she want my dick inside her pussy or not?” If you can see through her dress then she scientifically wants to fuck you.
And spare me with the argument that any number of emotions can make your heart rate spike and turn the dress transparent. Chicks are dumb. Sometimes they wanna bang dudes and they don’t even know it. They are the most fickle, emotionally confused creatures in all the land. So not only is this a good indicator for dudes, its good for chicks. Like “well I really didn’t think I should go home with him but I can see my nipples so I must actually wanna bang him. Its science talking.”
PS – Imagine if they made pants like this for dudes? I’d basically just cut to the chase and not wear pants at all. Or I’d be too cheap to buy the actual scientific pants so I’d just wear knockoff bootleg see-through plastic pants since they’d already be transparent 24 hours a day.
NY Post – A hard-partying banana mogul repeatedly refused to call for an ambulance after a woman he plied with cocaine fatally overdosed during a three-way sex romp at a Park Avenue hotel, a cop testified yesterday. Thomas Hoey Jr., owner of the Long Island Banana Corp., had used a business card to give Kimberly Calo high-quality coke in his suite at The Kitano, said retired NYPD Detective Edward Boyle, who investigated Calo’s 2009 death. After having sex with then-mistress Nicole Zobkiw, Hoey went at it with Calo, who helped herself to blow on a coffee table, Boyle said Zobkiw told him. After snorting more, Calo began convulsing and “her head dropped to the table with a thud,” Boyle told jurors at Manhattan federal court, where Zobkiw is on trial on charges of making false statements and perjury. “She was frothing at the mouth. Her eyes rolled back in her head. Her lips started turning blue,” Boyle said. Zobkiw, who had brought Calo to the hotel after meeting her that night at a Long Island bar, tried to get Hoey to call 911, Boyle said. But Hoey allegedly said “he’d seen this before” and Calo “was going to be fine.” Security video shows Zobkiw going to the lobby three times for help, Boyle said. But Hoey told a hotel security guard a “doctor friend” was on the way, Boyle said, adding that the pal had told Zobkiw that Calo was dead.
When you’re living life fast and loose as a Banana Mogul you’re bound to come across some seriously dire situations. Life ain’t all chocolate covered banans and Park Avenue threesomes. Sometimes Banana Mogul groupies overdose on cocaine in your hotel room and start foaming at the mouth and convulsing. And in that moment you gotta decide what you want your legacy to be. Do you wanna be known as the Banana Mogul who lets his threesome partner die? Or the Banana Mogul who swoops in to the rescue and saves your threesome partner even though you risk your Banana Empire by being caught with illicit drugs?
Just remember: what we do in our Banana Mogul life echoes in Banana Mogul eternity. Choose carefully.
And after 18 years he found out it wasn’t his?? WE WANT PRE-NUP! WE WANT PRE-NUP!
DAily Mail – A man who discovered that the son and daughter he raised into their teenage years were not his was last week awarded £25,000 in damages after suing his ex-wife for deceit. Today Richard Rodwell insisted he has ‘no regrets’ about ordering the DNA tests that ultimately destroyed his relationship with his children Adam and Laura. Mr Rodwell was a devoted father and family man until his marriage broke down. After the divorce he paid regular child maintenance for more than four years to his ex-wife Alison, from his salary as a factory manager. But in 2008 Mr Rodwell ordered DNA tests after hearing rumours about his daughter’s paternity – and the results showed that each child was fathered by a different man. Following the results, the children cut off all contact with him. He claims his ex-wife turned them against him. Today on This Morning Mr Rodwell spoke of his devastation at discovering the children he has raised as his had in fact been fathered by two different men. He said: ‘It was like a bereavement, words can’t say how I felt. I wouldn’t wish any bloke to go through what I’ve been through. ‘I’ve been robbed of having my own family … I can’t have children now.’
40 grand? 40 fucking grand for raising 2 kids who weren’t yours for 20 years? I’d demand $40,000 for each day that I raised that slut’s little whore babies. Raising kids is absolutely the worst thing in the world. Even when they are actually yours and you love them and shit, they still take up all your money and ruin all of life’s fun. Imagine giving up all that and 20 years later you find out you’re just some sucker raising two kids spawned from another man’s nutsack? Actually, 2 different nutsacks. Even worse. Christ almighty I don’t think there’s enough money in the world to compensate a man for that. Not for all the tea in China would I raise two fuckers that weren’t mine. As far as I’m concerned that woman should be put to death. She essentially ended that man’s life. She metaphorically murdered him and thats a crime that should be punishable by death.
PS – The fucking kids too. How about those little assholes? Like hey kids I’m sorry that mommy wasn’t able to track down all the participants of her regular gangbangs to find your real fathers, but in case you haven’t noticed I kept you alive for 20 fucking years. Maybe show some respect.
Introducing Ashley from Rutgers. You may remember her sister, Kim from Monmouth. Ashley is the next generation. Its absolutely insane that theres 2 of these smokes dominating Monmouth and Rutgers. Smokes all over New Jersey. And thats why we’re running it back for yet another Fckin Foam stop in Trenton. Tickets for the April 5th show at the Sun National Bank Center in Trenton GO ON SALE THIS FRIDAY AT NOON. Ashley and her other Rutgers smokes don’t need to worry about tickets, they’ll be there courtesy of KFC.
Know any other Rutgers or Jersey smokes who want free tickets to the Fckin Foam show in Trenton? Email first and last names and a facebook profile link to KFC@barstoolsports.com
NYDN -Alex Rodriguez is taking his wildest swing yet in his fight against steroid allegations: The Yankees and MLB are conspiring to push him out of the game. Sources say the embattled Yankee star is “scared” that bigger forces are at work to try to discredit him and sink his career. Holed up in Miami, Rodriguez has been huddling with an army of lawyers and PR people as the performance-enhancing drug scandal enveloping him intensifies. “He’s scared, because he thinks this is so unbelievably false, and he’s wondering who could be behind this,” said a source, referring to last week’s Miami New Times report linking A-Rod to an alleged Miami-area performance-enhancing drug scandal. “He thinks something could be going on larger than anyone might think.” The source added that Rodriguez is wondering if the Yankees or even Major League Baseball are behind the latest controversy. A-Rod’s concerns intensified as agents from MLB’s Department of Investigations met in Miami Monday with editors of Miami New Times, a weekly newspaper that posted hand-written records and files last Tuesday linking Rodriguez and several other players to Anthony Bosch, a self-described “biochemist” who is being investigated by baseball and federal authorities for possibly providing performance-enhancing drugs to the players.
Well lets think about this logically – what’s more likely:
A 37 year old superstar who is a shell of his former self is the butt of everyones joke because he’s old and broken down but still making $120 million over the next 5 years so he turns back to PEDs because he’s desperate.
The Yankees stupidly gave Alex Rodriguez a 10 year, $275 million extension and are now staring down the barrel of paying him well into his 40s so they have concocted a drug scandal in an effort to get him suspended, force him to retire, or try to void his contract because they’re so desperate.
You know what? I’m not so sure either are that far fetched. Not when there’s this much money involved. When $120 million is in the balance and the reputations and legacies of both the Yankees and Arod are on the line, I think anything is possible. Do I think the Yankees completely fabricated this story? No. Is there a 99.9% chance that Arod always was and always will be a cheater and he’s been caught twice now because he’s an idiot? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the Yankees did a little digging and a little due diligence on their $275 million man to see if there’s anything they can work with to somehow, someway, get out of the remainder of this contract. I’m not saying I believe in a full blown conspiracy theory with the Yankees, I could just see them letting this info leak out when in the past maybe they’d do whatever it takes to keep it under wraps. That’s how disgusted I think they are with this guy. Cashman never wanted him. Jeter’s always hated him. Torre never liked him. The fans hate him. He’s an embarrasment in the media. They’re so sick of the drama and the lack of production I just wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t look for any opportunity to get him off the books. It will never happen – but they’re desperate enough to kick the tires on any remote possibility.
ESPN – The owners of the New York Mets reportedly wanted to take a gamble on owning a casino next to Citi Field, the home of their major league club. Sterling Equities, the real-estate company operated by Fred Wilpon and family, who also owns the Mets, pitched a casino adjacent to the major league stadium in September 2011 and offered the City of New York $100 million to acquire 62 acres for the site, the New York Post reported Tuesday. Sterling Equities even lined up the Shinnecock Indian nation to operate the casino, but a live-dealer casino is not legal in New York except on tribal lands, making it infeasible at this point, according to the report. Sterling Equities was instead given 23 of the 62 requested acres in June to construct a $3 billion entertainment complex — minus the casino. “The submission that included a gaming use was quickly dismissed as unviable,” a spokesman with the city’s Economic Development Corp. told the Post. “A different plan is now moving through the approvals process for a project that will create a dynamic new destination, hundreds of units of affordable housing, and thousands of jobs.” The pitch for the casino was being delivered during the height of the Mets owners’ financial troubles related to Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The owners since have favorably settled a lawsuit that sought to recover funds from them for allegedly profiting from the Ponzi scheme. The Mets declined to comment on the casino report.
Now don’t get too excited because this was pretty much shot down immediately. The main gist is the Mets planned on paying $100 million to buy up 62 acres next to the ball park. All those softball fields where Mexicans play pick up soccer during the summer. And then they were gonna put the Shinnecock Indians in there to run a full blown casino. Problem is you can’t have an live dealer casinos unless its on tribal land.
So I say we get some Indian chief to bless the shit out of the land and lets turn all those auto body shops and Mexican soccer fields into some real life Indian tribal land. Hi-ya-wath-ah! Hi-ya-wath-ah! Lets smoke-um peace pipe and watch some baseball and gamble our money into bolivian. Can you imagine how big of a draw that would be? I mean yes, obviously the number 1 way to draw people to the ball park is to put a winning product on the field. But along with the fact that the Mets have sucked for more or less eternity aside from a couple blips on the radar, the area surrounding Shea Stadium in Flushing Queens fucking sucks. Even up in the Bronx the area outside the Stadium has Stan’s and Billy’s. Bars and places to eat on 161st or River ave. There’s legit nothin surrounding CitiField besides junkyards. If you were to plop a fully functioning real life casino outside the park CitiField would become a serious hotspot. Closer than AC or Mohegan or Foxwoods. Get tickets to a weekend series and stay at the casino for a couple days. Have all sorts of ticket packages working in conjunction with the casino. It would have actually been a brilliant idea from the Mets – first time I said that in a while.
PS – Their backup plan of a “23 acre, $3 billion entertainment complex” will undoubtedly be a shopping mall and a movie theater and it will definitely suck.
Can you imagine the insufferable amount of babble you’d hear from Jerry Thornton and the rest of Patriots nation if Rob Gronkowski was on any other team? Fucking porn stars and taking terrible care of his injuries and making a drunk spectacle of himself everywhere he goes constantly embarrassing the franchise as yet another year goes by without a Super Bowl Trophy? That is exactly, to a T, the kind of behavior Pats fans loved to look down upon 10 years ago when they were Super Bowl champs. For years and years and years we always heard about the “Patriot Way” and the holier than thou bullshit about how Kraft and Belichick would never tolerate such behavior because the team is more important than the individual. How Brady and Belichick’s system can make stars out of anyone so they never needed to tolerate anything less than perfect New England behavior. Blah blah blah.
And now here we are with a big goofy injury prone clown who can’t make it through a full season and does literally whatever he wants despite another season of failure. What happened to the Patriot Way? What happened to the amount of respect everyone in the organization has for Kraft and Belichick? Now thankfully it sounds like some people up in New England on sports radio and whatnot are actually using their brains for once and agreeing that Gronk is a mockery and need to clean up his act. But El Pres is busy spewing off about how you can’t have it both ways and you can’t love Gronk when he’s partying and winning and hate him when he’s partying and losing. Just talking about how awesome it is that he doesn’t give a fuck about anything in the world and everyone should love the fact that he does whatever he wants. Probably the least Patriots-esque argument of all time. I agree you can’t have it both ways – you can’t sit up on your high horses playing the “classy” card talking about how tight run the organization is and proclaiming thats why you’re the best franchise in football – and then at the same time defend the biggest public idiot in all of professional sports who undermines everything you say your franchise is about. Like if you’re defending Gronk at all right now, you better notmake the Patriot Way argument ever again. If “anything less than a Super Bowl” is unacceptable is the belief, then dancing like a tool with your shirt off DDT’ing your brother with a broken arm while another team wins the Super Bowl is unacceptable too. You can’t go picking and choosing when you get to be the superior fans and when you can let it slide because you like the funny dude who fucks chicks and parties. It can’t be both ways. You can’t bash the Jets for every guy who comes through their organization that acts like an selfish clown when you’re busy defending the most selfish selfish clown in the world today.
Now don’t get me wrong I’d still take Gronk in a heartbeat. I think his schtick of how much he parties so much and how much he doesn’t care is annoying and won’t last much longer as the Pats keep coming up short, but at the end of the day hes probably the best tight end in the league. So I’d take him on my squad in a heartbeat. The only difference is I don’t spend all football season bashing other players and teams who act exactly like him because I’m delusional to the point that I think my franchise is so special and so different and so well run. I don’t care what you do off the field as long as you win when it counts. Its about on the field production and winning. And if the Pats had won nobody would care at all what Gronk did afterwards. Thats why the “classy” argument is the lamest and stupidest argument in all of sports to make. And nobody does it more than Patriots fans.