Introducing Lina from Toms River. Tickets on sale for the ONLY New Jersey stop for the Fckin Foam/Blackout Tour tomorrow. This is it. Doesn’t matter if you’re from Rutgers, Monmouth, Ramapo, wherever. I don’t care if you’re traveling from NYC or Long Island or Philly. Whatever. If you’re near Trenton, this is your one shot to Blackout in the Foam.
Yahoo – In the immediate aftermath of arguably the most violent televised knockout in combat sports history, Uriah Hall’s overriding emotion was fear. He was fearful he may have killed Adam Cella with the spinning back kick knockout that was broadcast Tuesday on FX on Episode 3 of Season 17 of the reality series “The Ultimate Fighter.” He was fearful, at least for a moment, that the violence he had unleashed upon Cella would get him arrested. The celebration that usually accompanies a big knockout on an episode of TUF was noticeably absent. Jaws dropped around the gym as fighters and observers feared for Cella’s well-being. It was a phenomenally vicious knockout. According to a tweet by UFC president Dana White, Cella was out for four minutes, didn’t sit on the stool until six minutes after the kick that landed on the side of his face and didn’t get into the ambulance to go to the hospital until nine minutes later. FX teased the knockout for a week, referring to it as “the most shocking finish in TUF history.”
Cuncel Da Adam Cella! Jesus Christ. I’m certainly not skilled in the art of UFC fighting but day 1 they should teach you to duck or some shit when a spinning heel kick is about to end your life.
So this is how I fared last week. Fucking single digits. Woof. 5 goose eggs and a fucking 0.8 from Logan Couture. Hey Couture, thanks a lot bro! I know you’re a millionaire and shit but some of us are relying on this Fan Duel shit to get through the month. Way to go.
But hey at least I’m not this dude:
A solid -0.10 for SMcGowen28. Keep your head up, brotha! This is your chance to get back in the game and at least try to register a positive point total.
So once again, for all you hockey hipsters out there, if idiots like me and SMcGowen28 are playing, winning this thing should be like shooting fish in a barrel for you.
This week is a $4,000 pool, up from $2,000 last week. Here’s all the details:
$4000 in prizes, $800 for first
178 spots, prizes down to 17th place
$25 to join, up to five entries allowed
Starts on Saturday at 1pm EST
Huff Po – An animal semen-wielding menace is on the loose in the United Kingdom. A strange man approached two teen girls and smeared a white, sticky liquid on their clothing in Bury, near Manchester, last month, the Mirror reported. Their account is suspiciously similar to attacks that occurred on teen girls in the same area from November 2009 to January 2010. According to the BBC, one 15-year-old victim reported a man sullying her with liquid, while a 14-year-old said a man bumped into her and wiped an icky substance on her while she was with her mother. Two more girls, aged 15 and 16, said that a man approached them to ask for the time, and when he left, one of the girls noticed something dripping from her skirt. Police believe the gunk used in all cases was animal semen. “We are well aware that these incidents are very similar to a series of incidents in Bury three years ago,” Detective Chief Inspector Sara Wallwork said, according to the Mirror. “We are reviewing the original investigation and keeping an open mind as to the possibility that the same man may be responsible.” Though the original offender was never caught, police did release CCTV footage of the man they believed to be responsible. Victims of the 2009-2010 incidents described the pervert as a white man between ages 25 and 35, always carrying a bag.
You gotta be one spiteful son of a bitch to smear animal cum all over chicks at the mall. Wake up in the morning and fill up a bag with semen and just set out for the day to give girls animal money shots in public? Jiminy fuckin cricket. Thats about as deranged as it gets. Where do you get the cum? How do you carry it? How do you put it on the girls? Those are just the least of my questions.
I just don’t understand these people who would rather do shit like this than have normal fun. How is this better than going to the bar and boozing and watching sports? Why don’t you go out and try to hook up with chicks rather than assault them with horse semen? You should be out there trying to consensually throw your own semen on them, not forcefully throwing animal semen on them. Bottom line is bro, if your hobbies include animal jizz assault you’re doing life completely wrong.
PS – Not a good look for the UK when you read a headline about an animal semen menace that ends with “again.” That is just about the last epidemic you want sweeping your country.
You see this picture right here? In Mexico City this is real fucking life.
MEXICO CITY – Mexican authorities say a 9-year-old girl has given birth in western Mexico and they are looking for the purported father, a 17-year-old. Jalisco state police spokesman Lino Gonzalez says the baby girl was born last week at a hospital in the city of Guadalajara. He says the girl and her baby are doing well. Gonzalez said Wednesday that the girl’s family alerted authorities after she gave birth and the alleged father has not been seen since in the neighborhood where they both live. He says that if the teenager’s paternity is proven he could face child sex abuse charges. Gonzalez says the girl told authorities the teenager was her boyfriend.
Jeeeesus fucking Christ. 9 years old. Nine. Nueve, for those of you in Mexico City. That is absolutely unfathomable. I don’t even think this shit happens in Honduras, for God’s sake. Oh and heres a surprising bit of news – the 17 year old husband is nowhere to be found. Shocking. Didn’t see that coming. I thought maybe he’d wanna settle down with her and have a family. Wouldn’t that be so cute? Carlos the 17 year old husband-dad – he feeds and burps his newborn child, then its bath time for his wife, and finally he puts them to bed at the same time BECAUSE SHE’S ONLY NINE FUCKING YEARS OLD. Christ alfuckingmighty.
ANAHEIM (CBSLA.com) — An African American family sued Disneyland after the actor who portrayed the White Rabbit character from “Alice in Wonderland” allegedly refused to hug or touch their children because of their skin color. Jason and Annelia Black of San Diego County said the person in the rabbit costume also acted impatiently as their young kids posed for a picture at the Anaheim theme park. The Blacks, however, said it was a different scene when a Caucasian family arrived. “There were two other kids that came up. The rabbit showered them. Hugged them, kissed them, posed with them, and took pictures. Meanwhile, that made my kids feel horrible,” said Jason. The family immediately filed a complaint with Disneyland officials.
Once in a while, a perfect blog comes along. They are usually few and far between. This, right here, is one of them. The Black family, who is literally The Black Family because that’s their last name, suing Disneyland because the White Rabbit, again, literally the White Rabbit, wouldn’t touch their kids. You cannot script a more perfect racist story. Its got it all. Whites vs Blacks literally, figuratively with children and rabbits and Disneyland. Its like the Niggar Family from Chappelle’s Show except this is real fucking life folks.
The White Rabbit refused to touch the Black children. He hated the Blacks. Didn’t wanna even touch the Blacks. Now obviously the reason its really funny is because he’s actually a huge fucking racist bunny rabbit and didn’t wanna touch them because they were “lower-case b” black, but good Lord the coincidence is amazing. Hey Mr. and Mrs. Black I know you’re pretty offended the White Rabbit was having a grand old time with the caucasian family and wouldn’t touch your kids, but you should see how he treated the Wetback family. He wouldn’t even take pictures with the Wetback kids.
One of those classic questions to start off this episode of KFC Radio – would you rather have a dick where your nose is or a nose where you dick is? At first it sounds like a no brainer that you can’t walk around with a dick on your face but when you start to talk it through, it ain’t as easy as it seems. Dicknose might not be so bad. I’ll let you listen to figure out our take.
No matter what you choose though, I think we can all agree God put our dicks in the most inconvenient spot of all time. Smushed in between our legs, as close to our assholes as humanly possible. Fixed to your hips so that you have to thrust and gyrate like you’re a goddam dancer of some sort in order to use it. Really dropped the ball on that one, God. Unless its just some sort of cruel joke watching us flail around pumping in and out like a bunch of fucking assholes trying to get our rocks off.
Today is your LAST CHANCE to win one of the zip up Barstool zip up hoodie/jacket. There’s only 5 of them in the entire planet. That shit is as exclusive as it gets. Today at 2pm I’ll tweet out a question from this week’s episode of KFC Radio. Answer the question right and make sure you follow the podcast gang and you’re in the running to win. Its one of the nicest pieces of Barstool gear we’ve ever made. Follow me at @KFCBarstool for the trivia question at 2pm, and follow the other guys to be eligible to win:
Huff Po – A Guatemalan woman was arrested at Panama’s international airport as she tried to enter the country with more than $31,000 in cash stashed inside her stomach, Panamanian police said Wednesday. The 44-year-old, whose identity was withheld, was arrested Monday after police conducted an X-ray of the woman who was exhibiting “suspicious behavior,” according to the authorities. At least 39 different bundles that had been in her stomach were recovered by police, who estimated a total sum of $31,200. The detainee was expected to expel the remaining bundles at a hospital in Panama City, where the authorities will determine the final amount she was illegally carrying.
Don’t you hate when you take one bite too many? You know you’re full but whatever you’re eating is delicious and you just can’t stop yourself. You know for a fact that next bite of cheesecake or something after a huge meal is undoubtedly gonna make you sick, but you just can’t say no?
Thats what you gotta be feeling when you smuggle thirty one thousand two hundred dollars cash in your fucking stomach. Like when you get to 30K, don’t you think you should stop? Isn’t that a nice, round number of money to smuggle in your stomach? Maybe even you get the extra grand in there. $31,000 in your gut ready to strut right through customs into Panama, no problem. But you got greedy. You got cocky. You wanted that last bite…that last $200. And next thing you know you’ve got 31.2 in your stomach and you’ve overdone it. You look suspicious and the Panamanian police arrest your ass. Now you’re gonna spend the next few days in a Panama City hospital shitting out 30 grand of cash because you couldn’t part with 200 bucks. The key to any diet and/or smuggling operation is portion control and moderation.
Whats that famous saying from The Wire? “You come at the King…you best not miss.” If you’re gonna call Francesa and bash him for the way he does his job, you better not be a professional umpire.
“Are you ashamed of what you do for a living?”
“I feel bad for you that you don’t have a job, but listen: if you can keep your job as long as I have, then you’d be in good shape.”
There is nothing, and I mean nothing, better than when Mike gets cocky about his own career. The best was after Sleepgate when he said “Guess what? I’m still gonna be here tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day and get paid a fortune to sit here and do this.”
6 to 12 inches? Thats NOT the weather forecast.
People, run to the store! Get scared! Think you’re gonna get 2 feet of snow. 3 feet of snow. Whenever theres a snow storm everyone thinks they’re getting 20 inches of snow, know why? Cause they don’t wanna work. Cause they wanna stay home. Sit at home and worry about the weather, ok?
Classic. Mike Francesa – Sports analyst, movie buff, political aficionado, and now… meteorologist.
NEWSER) – The healthification of New Yorkers continues, whether they want it or not. Mayor Michael Bloomberg has forced restaurants to post calorie counts, increased smoking bans, and taken away jumbo sodas. Now he’s aiming to eliminate Styrofoam containers. Yes, the Bloomberg administration is thinking about a ban on all Styrofoam cups and containers, as part of the mayor’s pledge to double household recycling to 30% of all garbage by 2017. “The [recycling] machinery wasn’t really built to handle Styrofoam,” said a city sanitation official. “If something is not recyclable, we want to find an alternative for that packaging or product.” The effort would be a green one in more ways than one: Recycling earns the city money, reports the New York Post. Garbage costs $86 per ton to process, while recycling earns the city $10 to $14 per ton, depending on the substance. Plenty of restaurants and food trucks are predictably outraged at the latest proposed intrusion, but officials note that several other cities (ie, Seattle) already have Styrofoam bans.
Half the city is still in ruins from Hurricane Sandy. Subway deaths every other day. But lets crack down on the styrofoam! First thing’s first, anyone who believes in recycling is a sucker. Recycling is the biggest sham of all time. If you actually think they separate the glass and the plastic and the cardboard and they boil it down and smush it together and reuse those materials for something you’re just an idiot. Garbage is garbage. Period.
Anyway, back to the styrofoam. I kinda like styrofoam. First and foremost because I like to chew on them and leave teeth marks along the rim. But also particularly because styrofoam like the most damaging material known to Earth’s environment. I think styrofoam is like the only matter on earth that can withstand nuclear holocaust. Its the most harmful, man made, artificial, thing we’ve ever produced. Thats so American. I kinda wanna preserve that American message of “We don’t give a fuck about the environment or the future.” Leave that shit for Seattle. Here in New York I wanna preserve that way of life. Kinda like Denis Leary in his Asshole song. I wanna smoke cigarettes and drink 64 ozs of salty soda in Styrofoam cups! And when I’m done suckin’ down that bucket of Coke I’m gonna wipe my mouth on the American flag and then toss the Styrofoam cups right out the side, and there ain’t a God-damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that’s why!
And Hondurasgate continues! If you’re not following me on Twitter you’re missing some gold. I don’t know who this broad is but apparently she’s like half Honduranese or half Hondo, or whatever its called when you’re from down there, so naturally she’s all up in arms. Probably wouldn’t even bat an eyelash if I said another country but since she’s half Hondo she’s offended. Her and her minions came to the defense of Honduras by spitting vitriol at me and the Barstool empire. Such a classic reaction. You can make all sorts of jokes about all sorts of third world countries but when you mention MY third world country, we’ve got beef. Classic phony crusader who all the sudden takes an interest because they are personally offended for some reason.
I’m not even worried about Michelle Fields. I’m more worried about Billy Cope. Dude #RumpRoasted me right in my fucking face. All up on Twitter. Just straight embarrassed me in front of all my followers. Like some sort of Honduranese comedian or something. What can I say? When you’re beat, you’re beat. I asked if they had food and he said they served my ass for dinner. So now I have rump roast. Guy flat out put me on burn notice. More than Michelle Fields did with her holier than thou crying.
PS – I am shocked, utterly shocked, out of all the things I’ve said on this website this one has become a big deal. People are getting upset about fucking Honduras?? Honduras???? Out of everything I’ve ever said and the people I’ve made fun of that may have possibly resulted in me feeling bad, cracking a joke about Honduras after they beat us in soccer is literally dead last. I’ve got retarded people and black people and all sorts of handicappers that come WAY ahead of fucking Honduras on the guilt meter.
So the US Soccer team lost yesterday to fucking Honduras. They’re like the worst team in the United States’ group and now we gotta play all the good teams and we might not even make the World Cup or some shit. Fucking Honduras! I think I “sponsor” their goalie for like 60 cents a day! Anyway I sent this tweet out, and the people of Honduras are none too pleased with me.
Honduras comin in hot! I particularly like the girl who explained “Honduras have the best players than you” and the chick who called me an HDLGP. Apparently that stands for Hijo De La Gran Puta? Which roughly translates to “son of a whore.” Nice touch. Also that one tweet where the chick said I lack education and general culture was a gem too. Anyway this was just a handful of responses I got all night long. People just babbling in Spanish or Japanese or whatever the fuck they speak in Honduras. Kind of a milestone for me. First time I’ve taken my hate international. I’ve battled the Blindos. Asians. Unicycle riders. The list goes on. But I’ve never had an foreign battle. Just taking this hate fest overseas one ignorant comment at a time.
So fuck you Honduras! All your plantains and huts and shit. Relish this victory because at the end of the day its Americans who probably sponsor your daily clean water. Enjoy your San Francisco 49ers Super Bowl Champions t shirts! I’ll be up here in the First World with all my hormones. USA! USA!
PS – A+ job by that last guy. “I know it hurts pussy boy!” is great stuff. Probably the most clever guy from Honduras.