See You In May, Bruins

…or June, whatever.  Sad to see this Rangers-Bruins season series end so quickly, but I think I speak for everyone in hockey when I say that these teams NEED to meet in the playoffs.  Need to.  It’s been way too fucking long since these two original sixes squared off with Stanley still up for grabs.  This “rivalry” needs it.  This sport needs it.  Barstool needs it.  RearAd and I want our Super Bowl XLVI-esq moment in the sun so we can trade off low blows on twitter and shit.  Let’s spark this joint up with some good old inter-city hockey hatred, really put the foil on.  Forty years is faaaaaaar too long, so let’s hope this summer sees that particular streak end and we can watch this kind of quality hockey for up to seven straight times.

The Rangers’ win tonight sent a message to the rest of the East.  Training camp time is ovah.  And not a moment too soon since the season’s a quarter way done now.  Sure, it’s one thing to beat the struggling Lightning or the AHL-level Islanders, but to walk into the Bruin’s cage and crack the whip three times, that’s power.  Unfortunately, this team tends to read its own press before it’s even published and spent the majority of the third period sitting on their heels banking on Hank’s 400th consecutive bailout so save their skin again and agina.  Can’t change your attitude just because you’re up (by the worst lead in hockey, no less) against a team like Boston.  Too good, too physical.  They’ll smell the fear and feast on your timidness before you can soil their future meal’s pants.  There’s still a lot to clean up in terms of shift-to-shift consistency, but this Rangers team is finally starting to wake up and smell the potential.  Shitty last couple minutes but still a great road win tonight.  The King reigns again.

PS – Just a question to Bruins fans: is Milan Lucic this unhinged in real life?  Like does he have a reputation of just flying off the handles and smacking Boston-area waitresses across the face when they forget to bring him lime instead of lemon?  What’s his rep?  Cause he just looks like a steam whistle of rage, sweating at the mouth and waiting to blow.  My wife is legit terrified of that mouth breather.

By Osgood posted February 12th, 2013 at 11:09 PM

Times Square Spiderman Punches Woman In the Face For Not Tipping, Claims Self Defense

Daily Mail – A Times Square Spider-Man claimed he was acting in self-defense when he slugged a woman who refused to tip him him yesterday. Philip Williams, 35-year-old Williamsburg resident, had posed for pictures with the 44-year-old woman’s kids but didn’t receive a tip, according to prosecutors. “Sorry I don’t have any [money],” the woman said, according to prosecutors. Williams responded “You’re crap,” the DA said. The women then made a snowball and beaned Williams, his defense lawyer and prosecutor agreed.  Defense lawyer Rachel Black insisted this was clearly a case of self-defense. “The complaining witness made contact with my client,” she said. Prosecutors said Williams has a rap sheet that includes a grand larceny and and retail fraud bust when he was 17 and living in Michigan. Black didn’t dispute the DA’s claim, but told the Manhattan judge that Williams made all court appearances in that matter. Cops showed up yesterday near 141 W. 43rd St. after the 3 p.m. and stopped the victim’s husband from possibly hurting Williams, law enforcement sources and witnesses said. “A woman came to me and said, ‘What did you do to me, you f–ker?’ ” said another Times Square Spidey, who wouldn’t give his name. “Her husband came over and said it was a different Spider-Man. They went over to the other one and started fighting.” Witnesses said the woman’s husband pounded the offending Spider-Man with a backpack before cops arrived to bust Spidey. This unwanted attention has other Times Square cartoon characters worried about their livelihood. “Getting arrested isn’t good for any of us,” said Times Square worker Christian, who dresses as Big Bird. “It makes us all look bad.”

When are people gonna learn that Times Square Street Performers are the scum of New York City? They are the biggest assholes in the 5 boroughs. You gotta have a legitimate death wish to fuck with any of these guys. Anti-Semetic Elmo will straight up rape you if you don’t tip him.  Throwing a snowball at Times Square Spiderman is the most reckless thing I’ve ever heard. These people are one half step above homeless deviants who have absolutely nothing to live for. Think of these guys as the grimiest dirtiest, most disturbed homeless people on the street. Would you ever fuck with them? Take pictures with them and throw shit at them? For sure not. Because you’d be afraid they’d murder your ass on the spot. Well just realize that Times Square “Performers” are basically those same people except last week instead of buying drugs and booze with their panhandling riches, they bought a fucking costume.

Keep that in mind next time you let Elmo touch your kids or decide its a good idea to fuck with Spiderman. We’re talking about Grade A scumbags that have nothing to live for.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Buffalo Woman Attacks 18 Year Old Chick With A Box Cutter In A Dispute Over Mashed Potatoes

NIAGARA FALLS A disagreement over mashed potatoes turned dangerous over the weekend when a victim said tempers escalated and a woman came at her with box cutters. Shaquina S. Hill, 23, of Fourth Street was charged with second-degree menacing and second-degree harassment as a result, city police said. An 18-year-old woman told police she and Hill argued about mashed potatoes just before 9 p.m. Sunday at a Fourth Street address, and things escalated from there. The younger woman told police Hill grabbed box cutters and waved them at her, then dropped the knife and started throwing things at her, including a heavy ceramic vase and coffee table. She told police Hill also punched her in the chest.

Theres only one theoretical argument this could have been, and it has to center around lumps in the mashed potatoes. Right? Thats the only mashed potatoes dispute worth attacking someone with a box cutter. If you serve me mashed potatoes with lumps theres a good chance I wanna murder you in cold blood. I’ll suppress my feelings and I’ll eat your lumpy potatoes and I’ll thank you for dinner, but just know that on the inside I was dreaming of ways to kill you. Because there is NOTHING worse than mashed potatoes with lumps in it. A close second is orange juice with pulp. A distant third is ruining a perfectly good brownie with weird nuts. But the King of the Castle when it comes to messing up delicious food and drink is the Lumpy Mashed potatoes. I’d rather find lumps on my ballsack than a lump in my mashed potatoes.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Carnival Triumphe Stuck At Sea, Sounds Like A Real Fun Time

Daily Mail- Passengers on the nightmare Carnival cruise ship stranded in the Gulf of Mexico are using patchy cellphone coverage today to reveal that ‘conditions are getting worse by the hour’. Some of the 4,200 people on board reported that cabin carpets are soaked in urine, passengers are sleeping in tents on deck and scarce food supplies has reduced them to eating cold onion sandwiches. The ship has been stranded since Sunday after a fire in the engine room crippled the power system.  The first tug boat reached the Carnival Triumph on Monday night and it is being towed to Mobile, Alabama at the rate of a few miles per hour. It is expected to crawl into its destination on Thursday. ‘Toilets are overflowing in the cabins, we are having to sleep in the hallways. Onion and cucumber sandwiches last night.’ Another Donna Gutzman wrote: ‘There’s no lights, no water, we can’t flush. Some people were able to shower.’ Those on board were only able to make contact with land via their phones when sister ship, the Carnival Legend pulled up alongside to drop off limited supplies on life rafts.  Holidaymakers have been forced to sleep outside as there is no air conditioning in their sweltering cabins.  Some passengers have no options other than bags or buckets for toilets with reports of ‘raw sewage running down the walls’.

Cruises fucking suck. Even when they aren’t sinking or stranded at sea turning into a floating sewage plant. Whats the best that happens on a cruise? You drink some watered down all inclusive drinks, go to the “discoteca” and do a little sun bathing. Limited places to eat. Tiny rooms to sleep in. Old people galore. Stuck where you are in the middle of the ocean for days on end.

And thats the best case scenario. Whats the worst that can happen? Well lets see. A) You vanish from existence. Happens all the fucking time. You ever watch Unsolved Mysteries when you were a kid? Virtually every other story was about some asshole going on a cruise and disappearing. Last footage of them ever recorded is them stumbling around drunk on a boat and then POOF. Life sheets. 165 people in the past 2 years have gone on cruises and not come back. No fucking thanks. B) You have a drunk horny Italian captain who basically runs your boat right into the fucking ground causing your ship to sink or C) Your ship loses power and you drift aimlessly across the Gulf of Mexico while every shits all over the floors and you survive by eating fucking onion sandwiches. Any or all of the scenarios can occur on one single cruise. So, sorry Carnival. As cool as those commercials look where you can basically go surfing while stationary in one place from a wave pool contraption, I think I’ll pass on the cruise vacation. Rather just lay on the beach where I’m still firmly attached to the planet earth.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Leonard The Black Kid Is The Cockiest Guy In The History Of Teen Jeopardy


If you haven’t been watching Teen Jeopardy, you’ve been missing out. Primarily because there’s this slug Barrett who I hate with the fire of a thousand suns. He’s just the biggest square on the planet earth.

When Alex asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up Barrett said “President.” Yea ok bro. What are you, 6 years old? Is this a question at your kindergarten graduation? You wanna be President? I wanna play centerfield for the Yankees or be an astronaut. Take a hike bro.

So anyway, Barrett, this black dude Leonard and some Indian kid made it to the finals. Leonard just don’t give a fuck. Rocks the Questlove fro and some button ups he just yanks from his closet. Stands with his arms crossed the whole time. He was trailing towards the end of the 2nd round final. I think he was in 3rd place as a matter of fact. Under a minute to go and he hits the Daily Double, bets 18 grand, nails it, and pulls the rug right out from that uptight clown Barrett. Didn’t even bother to answer the question in Final Jeopardy. Just straight up making a mockery of Barrett, Trebek, Merv Griffen and all things Jeopardy. So fucking cocky. He’s Colby in the making.

I hope Leonard goes on to be President and Barrett just works some back office operations job in finance.

PS – I cannot WAIT to hear from Jeopardy! Jesse after this.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 7:39 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Father Who Tattooed “Daddy’s Girl” And A Gun On His 14 Year Old Daughters Wrist?

NYDN - A father who tattooed the words “Daddy’s Girl” and the logo of gun firm Browning onto his 14-year-old’s daughter’s wrist is facing abuse charges. Victor Shane Scroggins, 39, was arrested at his home in Richland County, California, after police were told he was illegally inking people there. Officers now want customers of the non-licensed tattoo artist to come forward and help them with their investigation, reports KVFS. Scroggins was charged with the tattooing of a minor, unlawful neglect of a child and not having a required certificate.

No doubt in my mind Victor Scroggins is a Stoolie. No, not because he lacks the moral compass to know whether or not branding his 14 year old daughter is acceptable. Because he’s undoubtedly heard the countless number of stories on Barstool regarding what goes on with teenage girls and boys these days. He knows that girls are giving head at the age of 5 these days. He knows that girls are giving birth at age 9. To be perfectly honest, he’s probably too late tatt’ing her up at age 14. She’s probably already had threesomes and shit. Anal by 12 and gangbangs by 14. Thats the world we live in these days. So I, for one, applaud Victor’s efforts. Daddy’s Girl and a gun is a nice little reminder for the fate that awaits any guy who’s about to try and round 2nd or 3rd base with your daughter.

If I have a daughter I’m tattooing “Guns Don’t Kill People, My Dad Kills People” across her fucking forehead. And if that doesn’t work “My Dad Is The Only One With The Key To The Chastity Belt” right after I put her in a fucking chastity belt. I just hope my daughters are ugly. Hopefully they get their daddy’s genes and then it shouldn’t be too big of a concern.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

More From Coca Cola Addicts – Some Broad In New Zealand Drank Herself To Death

(NEWSER) – Heavy drinking may have led to the death of a New Zealand woman—but it wasn’t alcohol she was glugging. It was Coca-Cola, TVNZ reports. She reportedly drank some 2.2 gallons (that’s 18 pints) of the soda every day, AFP notes, a habit that went on for years. Her family called it an “addiction” that resulted in the removal of multiple rotten teeth and the birth of at least one child lacking tooth enamel; her partner said Natasha Harris suffered withdrawal symptoms if she didn’t drink the stuff. The 31-year-old mother of eight died following a cardiac arrhythmia in February 2010, and the coroner called out Coke in his report, which was released today: “I find that, when all the available evidence is considered, were it not for the consumption of very large quantities of Coke by Natasha Harris, it is unlikely that she would have died when she died and how she died.” The examination after her death revealed an enlarged liver with fatty deposits due to too much sugar, a pathologist said. Low potassium in her bloodstream may also have been linked to the soda. Harris apparently consumed more than two pounds of sugar and 970mg of caffeine a day; experts say even 500mg is dangerous. Coca-Cola said it was “disappointed” about the coroner’s emphasis on Coke in Harris’ death, though his report did state that the company “cannot be held responsible for the health of consumers who drink unhealthy quantities of the product.” (In other gloomy soda news, the diet stuff may pose a big diabetes threat.)

Yesterday we had the dude who lost all of his teeth and rocks dentures. Today we see some chick drank 3 gallons of Coke a day and killed herself. The unwavering dedication these people show in their crusade against water is downright admirable. Like as far as I’m concerned, Natasha Harris is a martyr. She died for her cause. Team Soda. Fuck Water! Yes, its disgusting that she basically gave birth to a child who lacked the ability to grow teeth. Yes, the thought of her liver being consumed with sugary fat is horrendous. But you know whats more disgusting and more horrendous than all of that?

Drinking plain ass boring water. And don’t try to tell me that seltzer is a substitute. Seltzer is fucking revolting. Bitter bubbly dirt water. Bottom line is I’d rather have 31 years on this planet toothless with birth complications than spend 75 drinking water. Give me dentures, give me death. Just give me soda.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

“Rick Nash With As Many Moves As Tarzan With 60 Yards Of Rope”

Keep an eye out for Rick Nash on Sportscenter’s Top 10 tonight. I don’t know shit about hockey and I don’t really know what Tarzan could do with 60 yards of rope, but that goal even made my pants tingle.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:39 PM

105 Year Old Zen Master Accused Of Groping His Students

Daily Mail - A 105-year-old Zen Buddhist master has been accused of sexually assaulting his female students during private teaching sessions. Joshu Sasaki, best known for being the teacher of artist Leonard Cohen, has allegedly groped and sexually harassed women across the U.S. for over 50 years. An independent council of Buddhist leaders recently admitted to ignoring years of accusations against the famously charismatic ‘roshi’. Last month, a ‘witnessing council’ of senior teachers of Mr Sasaki’s Zen Buddhist community published a statement, admitting that the have ‘struggled with our teacher Joshu Sasaki Roshi’s sexual misconduct for a significant portion of his career in the United States’. Originally from Japan, Mr Sasaki moved to the U.S. in 1962 where he set up the Rinzai-ji Zen Center in Los Angeles and the Mount Baldy Zen Center, in Mt Baldy, California. As well as heading these facilities, he has also been teaching at Zen centers across the United States. Accusations have been circulating since the early 70s and in 1997 members of the Mount Baldy Zen Center put forward a letter to the then 90-year-old Mr Sasaki, with no consequences. It was not until a letter was published on the popular practitioners’ website Sweeping Zen in October last year that the true story of the abusive Zen master begun to unfold. Eshu Martin, a former student of Mr Sasaki and monk in Rinzai-ji Zen Center accused Mr Sasaki of getting away with decades of sexual abuse.

Joshu you dog you! Been on this earth for a century and then some and all this dude wants to do is squeeze titties and shit. I mean I don’t wanna make a mockery of a sexual assault case but when the culprit is a fucking hundred and five year old Zen master I’m gonna make a mockery of it.

What a great scam this guy was running. Like 50 straight years of “Breathe in, breathe out. Feel the earth’s natural energy surrounding you…and my fingers sliding down the crack of your ass.” “Feel the Feng Shui and the chi and also the bulge of my dick. Thats natural too.”  ”The only way to achieve a state of nirvana is to allow the spirit and my fingers to penetrate you.” Thats how these Buddha guys roll. They’re just a bunch of smug assholes who act like they operate on a higher level when really all they wanna do is get their bird wet. Look at that asshole Phil Jackson. Guy writes books about Zen and cooperation and team work and blah blah blah. What does he spend most of his time doing? Banging the owners daughter. Its the biggest snake move of all time.

PS – I’m not gonna be that guy who sits here and says its the girls fault, but if you let a Japanese man who’s 90+ years old assault you, its gotta kinda be your fault. Like there’s absolutely no reason for you not to be able to remove yourself from a mediation session with a dude who’s almost 100.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Redditor Searches For Porn “Dopplebangher” Of His Friend From High School, Friend Finds Out And Replies Herself

Happy Place - Teenagers are lazy and they’re getting lazier and this story proves it once and for all. Someone on Reddit (a teenage boy, we’ll assume, because otherwise this is way grosser) posted the above photo in the sub-reddit “Doppelbangher,” which is where classy people go when they want help finding a porn actress who looks like a non-porn actress, usually someone they know. So basically, pervs with no imagination are posting photos of women in their lives without their permission and saying, “Help me masturbate to this, Internet!”  In a delightful twist, the girl in the photo discovered she’d been “Doppelbangher’d” — side-note: maybe a nice, cleansing North Korean nuclear assault isn’t such a bad idea — and she decided to help him out with her own photo.

First of all, shout out to the guys from Reddit. This “Dopplebangher” feature is hilarious. Its like an extra creepy perverted version of the Smoke Patrol. Relying on the rest of the internet to provide lookalikes of chicks to beat your dick to is a commitment to masturbation like I’ve never seen before. Kudos you horny deviants!

Now lets get down to business. If this isn’t the most romantic gesture of all time, I don’t know what is. Like how is this girl not flattered by this move? You know what the problem is with chicks? They never try to get inside the head of men. Guys are always trying to figure out how the female brain works – A) because they want to get laid and B) they don’t want to get in trouble. Chicks on the other hand – they just sit there with their one track female mind. You know what this Reddit guy was basically saying? “You are the girl of my dreams.” Thats exactly what this is. You are the girl he dreams about. He fantasizes about you. So much so that he’s willing to beat his dick to your doppleganger lookalike just to feel that much closer to you. Thats practically love. I mean if I ever found some chick on the internet looking for pictures of my doppleganger so that she could blast her pussy to them, I’d do a whole photoshoot for her. I would be so fucking honored someone out there even thinks that highly of me.

But not chicks. Chicks just get offended like they do about everything else. Your high school friend wants to crack stick to you. Learn how to take a compliment toots.

PS – I saw this on Reddit first.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 12:51 PM

Time For Your Yearly “Three Year Old Joins Mensa” Story

LONDON, Feb. 9 (UPI) – A 3-year-old British girl has been allowed to join Mensa, a society for people with high IQs, becoming the club’s youngest member, officials said. Alice Amos has an IQ of 162 — higher than those of Albert Einstein and Steven Hawking, both of whom had IQs of 160, The Sun reported. “It is clear that she has the capacity to do almost whatever she wants in life,” said child expert Joan Freeman. Alice achieved the high score in English, which is actually her second language, after Russian, which her parents speak in their home in Surrey, The Daily Star reported. The 3-year-old girl is now one of 18 preschool members of Mensa and is in the top 1 percent of the population of the world.

Every year we do this. Every year there’s one or two stories about some snot-nosed know it all who still shits in their fucking pants but some nerds declare them smarter than Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin. First there was Anthony who could do puzzles.  Big fucking whoop. Then there was little Emmelyn. Remember her? She was the youngest member of Mensa at the time because she memorized all the insects and all the planets. You know what else she did? She went on live television on the Today show and told the whole world she needed to take a shit.  So this year we’ve got Alice. Another spaz who knows two languages so Mensa is cumming in their nerdy pants over her. Hey Mensa have we not learned anything? Did Emmelyn’s disaster not embarrass your society enough? Maybe we should wait until these kids can control their bowels before we go admitting them to the most prestigious club in the world, huh? Yes I’m very impressed you can speak Russian and English but until I know for a fact you’ve mastered the basics of using the bathroom, you are not as smart as me. Should be a negative 100 point hit off your total score.

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Logan Couture Joins Us For KFC Radio Tomorrow Night

Logan Couture plays hockey for the San Jose Sharks. I felt compelled to tell you that because before Barstool I had no idea who he was. But he’s a big time Stoolie and apparently in 2006 he looked like Buzz from Home Alone. Now he’s a millionaire professional athlete. Sometimes life ain’t fair.

Anyway, for you hockey diehards or all 6 San Jose Sharks fans out there, call the Barstool hotline to leave some voicemails for Logan. 646-807-8665. He’s a normal dude so you can ask him real questions. We’re not gonna be playing voicemails about the NHL CBA or something like that. He’ll join us in the beginning of the show and then once its time to start talking about sucking dicks and farts and stuff he’ll probably regret coming on the show all together and dip out.

KFC Radio featuring professional athletes now. Tomorrow night 8pm. Call the voicemail or tweet any of us your questions:

@LoganCouture
@KFCBarstool 
@Jfeitelberg
@BarstoolBigCat

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Well, I’m Going To War With The Internet Nerds

Warning: this is a long blog that focuses on fucking watermarks on pictures. If you’re not interested in that, and I dont blame you if you aren’t, skip. But it should lead to another KFC war so its up to you.

Fresh off Hondruasgate and I’ve already got another battle to fight. This time, its an internet nerd complaining about me using his picture without a watermark. I didn’t want to blog it because I didn’t wanna give him any exposure and its a pointless topic, but this dude has been ranting on twitter all day and night and then emailed Pres, so now its time to have a little fun. This ends up being a lengthy blog when you post the emails and what not, so let me set the scene after the jump:

Read the rest of this entry »

By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

10 Years In A Basement For $10 Million, What Are You Bringing With You?

You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.

Stumbled upon this from a Stoolie email. Not sure if its new or old but either way I don’t think we’ve ever done it on Barstool. $10 million for 10 years in a basement, minimal items/amenities can be brought. What are you bringing? Take some time to overlook the point totals, decide whether you want $10 mil/30 points, $5 mil/35 points or $0/40 points.

Its a harder question than you think. Lets start with the basics that we’re absolutely eliminating.

Automatic Elimination:

The Doctor. You know how many times I’ve been to the doctor for like a check up in the past 10 years? Like once. No chance a doctor is worth 2 points. Neither is some Mayo Clinic idiot for 3. Doctor is out. If I die, I die.

Satellite radio - Satellite radio completely sucks. Whether I’m trapped in a basement for 10 years or not, I ain’t listening to that shit.

Gun – I guess in case you wanna kill yourself? Or in the event you’re picking Barry Bonds to live with you, you need self defense? I dunno. I won’t need a gun to chill in a basement for 10 years.

Full model train set in a warehouse – Uhh. What? Train model set? To keep me busy or some shit? And let me guess you health freaks want the warehouse so you can run or something. Keep your eye on the prize you fucking assholes. Model train and warehouse is out of the question.

Get your money up front and you get access to the stock market – I have absolutely no idea how to make money in the stock market right now. If I did, I’d be investing. Now all the sudden I’m confined to a basement with minimal knowledge of whats gonna be going on in the world and I’m gonna be some sort of Warren Buffet? Fuck that. If I still knew how to calculate the net present value of 10 mil invested at a risk free rate for 10 years, I’d figure that out. But I don’t. So fuck that too. Either way, not worth 7 points.

Workshop/drawing table with tools – I ain’t Bob Vila or Picasso now. I won’t be in that basement either. Out.

HD Camera – No.

Ok. Those are the automatics outs I think. The rest are forms of food, technology, recreation, entertainment and life for the next 10 years. Lets start with basics.

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By KFC posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:50 AM
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