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Just Your Friendly Annual Reminder That If You Walk Around With Ashes Smeared On Your Face Today, You’re An Asshole

I’m not gonna be one of these Atheist asshole Stoolies who’s too good for God and religion. Not gonna make all those lame played out jokes Stoolie commenters love to make like “Let’s all believe there’s a magical wizard in the sky and eat crackers so he grants us our wishes!” That shit is lame. I go to church twice a year but I was raised to not be a loser Atheist so I respect the tradition of it all.

But that being said you’re a grade A asshole if you walk around with dirt smeared across your forehead all day today. It is the ultimate “Look at me! Look at me! I’m Catholic!” move. Seriously, there’s absolutely no other reason for it. Its like every other archaic religious tradition went by the wayside but the one modern Catholics chose to stick with is the one where you get to walk around showing everyone just how Catholic you think you are. Buncha attention whores if you ask me. I’d bet the rent 90% of the people walking around with a dirty face don’t even know what Ash Wednesday means. Just a chance to put your Christianity on display and get credit for going to church. Because if there’s one thing in this world people love, its getting credit for shit. (I’m looking at you, Matty Funtimes.) That that goes double when it comes to being religious. People don’t wanna do any weird boring religious shit unless they get to let other people know they did weird boring religious shit. Ain’t no better way to show you went to church than painting your forehead black with soot.

PS – Thats why Jews wear the yarmulke. Its like their version of ashes but they do it year round. Its like hey guys don’t worry! We can tell you’re Jewish because you’re wearing black work socks with shorts in the summer and you got a Portnoy schnoz. You can take the coaster off your head.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman Who Tricked Boys Into Believing She Was A Teenager So They Would Have Sex With Her?

AZ Central – A 35-year-old woman was recently arrested in Phoenix on suspicion of sexual conduct with a minor after posing as a teenage girl online, authorities said. Jennifer Dempsey is suspected of seven counts of sexual conduct with a minor after meeting with and engaging in sexual acts with two boys aged 14 and 16, according to court documents. In both cases, the mothers of the teens contacted Phoenix police who thought their sons were having relationships with Dempsey, according to the documents. Dempsey is suspected of posing as a 15-year-old on Facebook using different names. The mother of the 14-year-old told authorities Dempsey was exchanging nude photographs over the social-networking site with her son, according to the documents. Both of the teenage boys told authorities they had sexual relations with Dempsey, according to the documents. These acts occurred in a car at Phoenix parks and at the woman’s house and took place approximately between November to January. When meeting at her house, Dempsey told one of the boys that it was her aunt’s house, according to the documents. Dempsey was arrested Feb. 7 at her home near 33rd Avenue and Butler Drive where she lives with her husband, according to the documents.

Well somebody give Meryl Streep here an Academy fucking award! I took one look at that mug and had her pinned for a 50 year old male tranny. And here she is running around town duping people into thinking she’s a 15 year old girl? Just give her the Oscar now. Best Actor or Actress, whichever one she is.

Now I don’t blame the guys she duped. Those kids probably weren’t even tricked. They probably just played along with this little game of hers. “Hey you know that old bitch from around the corner? The one who looks like the chick from 3rd Rock From The Sun? She keeps pretending she’s 15 years old and wants to suck me off in the park. I think I’m just gonna let her.” But the fact that anybody else was duped in this situation to allow this to happen multiple times. Bitch is like the Daniel Day Lewis of sexual predators I guess. Just immerse herself in the character and the 15 year old dick to the point that everyone else treats your like you’re not even acting anymore.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Old Thai Couples Trying To Break The World Record By Kissing For 50 Hours In A Row

ReutersThai couples locked lips in an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest continuous kiss ahead of Valentine’s Day in Pattaya, Thailand, on Tuesday. Nine Thai married couples, including including a gay couple, took part in the contest. The winners will take home 100,000 baht ($3,363.08) in cash and a diamond ring worth 200,000 baht ($6,726.24). The current world record for the longest kiss is 50 hours, 25 minutes, one second and was accomplished by Nonthawat Charoenkaesornsin and Thanakorn Sitthiamthong in Thailand in 2012.

Well I can’t think of anything worse than kissing someone for 50 straight hours. I wouldn’t kiss someone for 50 hours for $300,000, let alone $3,000. Especially if that “someone” is my old ass Asian wife. Kissing is hands down the most bizarre custom humans do. Right up there with rubbing ashes on our foreheads except every religion does it and we do it all year long. I wanna know who was the first asshole way back when in Neanderthal days who was trying to get a chick back to his cave to fuck and he was like “Let me just put my tongue inside your mouth.” I bet it was some precursor to banging – like she was reluctant to let him put his dick in her pussy, so he started with baby steps and asked to put his tongue in her mouth first. Well way to go dickhead. You established a worldwide standard of having to slobber all over another human’s piehole. There’s no physical satisfaction. No clear cut “finish.” Its an incredibly awkward activity thats really just a waste of time. I mean unless you’re attaching a Guinness Record and a month’s worth of rent to it, there is absolutely no tangible value to making out.

And the worst part of it all is that its just a way for chicks to “hook up” but not fuck. Like think about it – if there was no kissing, in order to hook up, you’d have to cut right to something at least moderately sexual. At the very least squeezing some T’s. More likely is that fingering would become the new make out. If kissing didn’t exist you could probably finger a girl at the bar and nobody would even bat an eyelash. But no. We push our lips together and lick each others teeth so it provides a perfect roadblock for chicks to hook up with you but put a stop order on anything after that. Fucking kissing. Awful tradition.

PS – My money is on that old Thai couple winning. Chances are their dry cleaning laundromat or their Chinese food restaurant is gonna go belly up over the next 50 hours while they try to break the record so they’ve got something to play for. Its 100,000 baht or bust for those old birds.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Chick Finds Out She’s Pregnant And Gives Birth To Baby In The Same Day

MSNLast Friday, Linda Ackley gave birth to a healthy 10-pound girl. Not so remarkable. But Ackley learned she was pregnant the day she delivered her baby. Definitely remarkable. The Jackson, Mich., woman thought she couldn’t bear children after an infection and abdominal surgery two years ago. When she went to the hospital last week with a bloated abdomen, her doctor thought she might have a hernia — until a CT scan revealed she was pregnant, and an ultrasound showed she had carried the baby to term. An emergency C-section was performed, and a shocked and overjoyed Ackley, along with equally stunned and happy husband Mike, welcomed their “miracle baby,” Kimberly Kay.

Well thats just about the worst day I’ve ever heard in my life. At least for the dad it is. The wife/mom is probably all happy because its a miracle and she thought she’d never have a child and blah blah. The dad is probably like “fucccckkkkk.” Imagine at like 10 am you find out your wife is pregnant and by like 3pm you’ve already got the fucking kid? That’ll ruin your weekend plans. Thanks for the seriously express delivery, Mother Nature! You slut. Ordinarily Dads have like a year to brace for this shit. A few months trying to knock her up and then obviously 9 months of pregnancy where you slowly but surely accept that your life is coming to an end. Inch by inch, minute by minute, you learn to deal with the fact that all your money will be gone. All your sleep will be gone. All your fun, gone. Its like easing into a really hot jacuzzi. You get acclimated to the heat. Except in this case instead of ending up relaxing in a hottub you end up with a child who ruins your life.

But Mike Ackley here basically just did a belly flop off the high dive right into the hottub. And yes obviously I’m exaggerating a bit and I’m sure he’s happy to have a child but there legitimately has to be some part of him that is pissed off at his wife. Like I’m sure guys get mad at their wives if they forget to pay the cable bill, what if they forget to realize they’re 9 fucking months pregnant. Not even like it was a premature baby or something. Bitch had a full grown 10 pound baby inside her and just thought she had a stomach ache. Unreal.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Newark Teen Forced To Strip And Whipped With A Belt Because His Father Didn’t Pay A $20 Debt

NJ.com – The video is barely two-and-a-half minutes long, but each second is more disturbing than the one before. Somewhere in Newark, a teenage boy can be seen removing his clothes, stripping completely naked while he is berated and cursed at by another man in a black hat and black T-shirt. A pack of men surround their cornered victim, laughing and commenting on the situation. As the boy stands there with his shoulders slumped, the man in the black shirt screams about a debt owed by their victim’s father. As the boy cowers, the leader of the group grabs a belt from one of his sidekicks and screams at the victim. “Where my money at?” he howls. “I don’t know,” the victim responds meekly.  What happens next has infuriated law enforcement and city leaders. For 90 seconds, the boy is mercilessly whipped with the belt while the group continues to laugh at him, demanding he tell the camera that it’s a “dog eat dog world.” At the end of the video, someone announces the amount of money that sparked the vicious attack — a measly $20.

First things first, there’s a 500% chance these guys think the phrase is actually Doggie Dog World. Just sets the tone for the type of retards we’re working with here. And as far as I’m concerned, anybody who makes a boy strip naked so that he can whip him has some seriously deep rooted issues. Like if you wanna act hard on the streets of Newark, your best bet is to not run around like a pedophile making little boys strip. Spanking naked kids with a belt is not “bout that life” as the World Star community says. I’m sure this dude and his “Doggie Dog” crew think they are as gangster as it gets, but all I see is a bunch of pedophiles standing around playing with a naked boy squirting him with water. I’m not sure you thought that through, but I don’t think you’re gonna be getting the street cred you were looking for anytime soon. I give it a few days before some actual bad dudes have this wanna be thug dangling off a roof top naked for fucking with teenage boys around the neighborhood.

That is, of course, if Anonymous doesn’t get to him first:

Something tells me that the homie from the Doggie Dog crew doesn’t have much of a reputation for Anonymous to ruin. Or even a checking account for them to wipe out. But if there’s one group I’d want going after this asshole, its them.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Science Says Beer Bellies Are A Myth

Telegraph – The “beer belly” is a myth as there is no scientific evidence to suggest that the beverage causes weight gain, a new report has claimed.  In fact beer, the country’s national drink, has nutritional and wellbeing benefits similar to wine when consumed in moderation, it is claimed. Nutritionist Dr Kathryn O’Sullivan, who carried out the review of the scientific review, believes that swapping beverages for beer may actually be a sensible way to diet. Although the industry-sponsored research may seem incredible to some it in fact adds to an emerging body of thought that the beer belly is a myth. Beer has fewer calories per 100ml than wine, spirits, and even orange juice, it is claimed. “Unfortunately beer has this image as a high-calorie, high-fat drink,” Dr O’Sullivan told The Times. “It is very unfair.”  If you consume huge amounts of beer you will gain weight, but the same is true for those who glug wine by the gallon. The report “Beer & calories; a scientific review” points out that the drink contains vitamins, fibre, and antioxidants and minerals such as silicon which may help to lower your risk of osteoporosis. Dr O’Sullivan concludes that swapping two large glasses of wine a day with two bottles of lager could save 58,240 calories a year.

Well thank fucking God. Because there was no way I was ever gonna stop drinking. The only thing worse than being fat is being sober. No matter what kinda diet you put me on, come Friday Saturday and Sunday I’m gonna be getting shitfaced. And if you think I’m gonna be the sissy mary ordering a glass of wine at the bar or drinking 10 dollar vodka sodas, you got another thing coming. There’s a lot of habits I can break but drinking a zillion beers just ain’t one of em.

So now maybe I’ll just give up orange juice instead to stop being fat. Wake up in the morning and crack a Bud Light. Part of your complete breakfast motherfuckers! Its got minerals and shit! Fuck Tropicana! Of course the problem is I don’t drink 50 bottles of orange juice in a weekend like I do with beer. That might just have something to do with my gut. But as long as science says theres no connection between beer and my gut, then I believe them.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Erectile Dysfunction Linked To Men Who Earn Less Than Their Wives

Emax Health – Men who suffer from erectile dysfunction may want to dig a little deeper into what’s causing the problem before they reach for a pill. New findings show men who earn less money than their wives are more likely to take medication for ED. Disruption of traditional social norms could lead to trouble getting an erection, at least for some men. The finding, published in the Personality and Psychosocial Bulletin, looked at how a man’s sexual desire is tied to social and cultural norms. The authors write, “When women outearn their husbands, it challenges the traditional social norms of the man as economic provider and female income as supplemental.”

If having a rich wife makes you impotent, I will gladly be a limp dicked mimbo. I’ll sign for that shit right now. Ain’t no shame in that game! Granted I don’t find this correlation to be true. I could get hard just thinking about piles and piles of money coming in from my Sugar Mama. You can call me less of a man and pathetic and blah blah blah. Whatever. Bottom line is if I can just continue to live as a man-boy playing pretend on the internet all day every day because I got a woman who can pay my bills, I am fucking down. I’ll risk my boners for that in a heartbeat. Once you’re married you only use your boner once in a blue moon anyway.

The real story here is how much life sucks when you’re a woman. Seriously can you name one thing thats worse than being a chick? Chicks have all the hormonal and emotional problems. Their monthly physical problems. They have to get pregnant and give birth. They don’t have a funny bone in their body. Their lives are completely consumed by trying find a husband and then once they do they have to choose between being poor or having a husband who can’t get it up. Oh you wanna be rich? Your husband will never have sex with you. You wanna have a love life with your husband? Get in the kitchen. Woof. Some existence.

See thats why I consider myself such a catch. Despite all the rude jokes I make at the end of the day I will let my woman earn money and have sex with her. How selfless am I?

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Chinese Dude Convicted Of Possessing “Extreme Pornography”

Huff Po – An ex-broadcaster tried to convince a jury that his massive collection of extreme pornography was used for research into a “Sex and the City”-style book. A London jury found Sen Luo, 40, guilty on two counts of possessing “extreme pornography,” according to the Sun. “These videos were disgusting and distressing,” Constable Kim Negus told the court during the trial. “I viewed around 18 of them and had to have the sound down.” Some of the more than 800 “disgusting” videos ”showed women strapped to machines and tortured with electrodes, pins being pushed into their breasts or hot wax poured into their body,” according to the Little Hampton Gazette. Other pieces of pornography involved abusing animals, the paper reported. Luo said he collected the perverse library for his book, which he hoped would provide a new source of income after he left his home in China. Authorities found Luo’s stash when they visited his East Grinstead, West Sussex home on an unrelated matter, according to the BBC. Luo will be sentenced next month and could face three years in prison, according to the Sun.

Women fucked by machines? Hot wax? What is this 2001? That shit was like the first stuff I ever saw on the internet. The pins being pushed into tits is a bit much but for the most part that shit is like par for the course these days. If Sen Luo is facing 3 years in prison then I should be fuckin locked up for life. Half the shit I search for on youjizz would be admissible evidence in a goddam murder case, let alone just some dude trying to find a porno he’d like to watch. If there aren’t lesbians squirting milk, funnels, samurai weapons, or, at the very least, a girl being forced into something she doesn’t wanna do, I’m not even hard. Thats just the nature of the world these days. We’re all desensitized to the world of porn because we’ve been watching every single day for the past 15 years. Its only natural you go extreme to get your rocks off.  I don’t know what kinda book Sen Luo was gonna write but I wouldn’t even have an excuse for my “extreme pornography.” I’d just be like “uhhh. I’ve watched all the Tori Black videos on the internet. I needed something new.” Give Sen Luo a break. It just sounds like he was watching Boner Jams ’03.

PS – Only think I’m not down with is clothes pins. I fucking hate that. Creeps me the fuck out.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Now Here’s A Mensa Genius I Can Get Down With

MSNShe may be blond, but Lauren Marbe is far from dumb. In fact, if the IQ test she recently took at her high school is a reliable gauge, the British 16-year-old — an unapologetic fan of makeup, manicures, fake tans and partying with her pals — may be more intelligent than Stephen Hawking or Bill Gates or even Albert Einstein. While Hawking, Gates and Einstein reportedly have (or had, in Albert’s case) IQs of 160, Marbe scored a 161. Clearly, big things are expected of the straight-A student, but she says she’s torn between academic pursuits and her dreams of a career in showbiz. We’re sure she’ll make a smart choice.

No more of these 3 year old assholes joining Mensa. I’m done with hearing some little shit is smarter than Benjamin Franklin when he still has a bedtime. But Lauren Marbe here is a real life genius. IQ of 161 – makes her smarter than Einstein and Hawking and Gates. Its just a shame that she’s a chick. Because she’s got no shot at actually living the life of a genius with an IQ of 161. Hormones and emotions are easily a 100 point penalty on your intelligence quotient. Just wait for the first time a boy dumps Lauren Marbe. She’ll binge on food and cigarettes and other dude’s dicks for like weeks on end. Crying and whining and updating her facebook status with quotes she googled about “I’m the best thing you never had” or some shit. Wait until the first time her boss yells at her at work. Or the first time her friends act bitch towards her. And fucking forget about it when her mother is giving her a hard time. Chicks could have an IQ of 161 or 161,000 and when push comes to shove they are gonna spend 99% of their lives complaining about boys, work, their friends and their mother. Thats it. Thats what they are put on this planet to do. They do it very well and very often. Hard to put that 161 IQ to use when you’re busy complaining about every single aspect of your life.

Bottom line is IQ scores for men and women are like shoe sizes. The numbers are on 2 different scales. Like a chick can be a “Size 8″ but her foot is still like half the size of a dude with a mens size 10. If a chick is a size 11, she’s a freak. If a dude is a size 11, he’s average. Same goes for IQs. 161 female IQ is probably equal to like a 70 in male IQ. Yea the numbers being used the same for both, but the meaning behind the number is what matters.Once you factor in irrational hormonal behavior you gotta slide the scale down to find her real level of intelligence.

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Francesa Heals The Sick

You’re like my God, Mike

Next thing you know Francesa will turn Diet Coke into wine.

#PopeFrancesaI

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 5:31 PM

Honduras vs Israel Coming To Citi Field For A Soccer Friendly

Hondos

VS.

Israel

At CitiField

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. Citi Field will continue to play host to soccer matches. The latest one scheduled: Israel against Honduras on June 2, according to a source familiar with the plans.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Is this the KFC Bowl or something? Hondos vs. Jews at the Mets home field, CitiField. The only way this could be any more tailored made for me would be if there was a Blindo referee, all the concession stand workers were Asian, and fucking Matty Funtimes and Michelle Fields sitting on either side of me.

I don’t even know who to root for. On the one hand, Jews are like my mortal enemies. My hated runs deep. On the other hand, I have a direct feud and rivalry with Michelle Field and the poverty stricken twitter users of Honduras. And lets be honest, the Jews don’t even really know what soccer is. If I tried to rub it in their face that they lost a “soccer friendly” they’d be like “Whatever you poor gentile idiot. Go buy our bagels and our hot dogs and bow before us because we run this fucking city.” And I’d probably acquiesce. On the flip side, nothing would be more demoralizing for those poverty stricken, banana peeling Hondos than losing to Israel in soccer. Riding high off their defeat of America, they come to KFC’s backyard and lose to a bunch of Chosens? Combine that with instability in the Vatican and the whole nation of Honduras might kill themselves.

I think for the sake of the blog, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I gotta root for Israel. I want to bring Honduras to its knees. I legitimately might have to go to this game.

PS – This is the one thats going to murder me:

I feel like he’s just staring into my bitter racist soul through the computer like “Fuck you, Gringo.”

 

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow of the Day – Amanda

Introducing Amanda from Green Island, New York. This is what we like to call the full package, folks. From head to toe not a single thing you’d change about Amanda. Simply amazing.

Speaking of…todays edition of Barstool Blackout, Where Amazing Happens:

Fckin Foam Trenton – April 5th – Sun National Bank Center, Trenton NJ – CLICK HERE TO BUY TICKETS 

By KFC posted February 13th, 2013 at 5:40 PM
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