Barstool Blackout Smokeshow of the Day – Diana

Introducing Diana from Toms River, NJ. Nothin makes me happier but also more depressed than looking at smokes in bikinis at Vegas pool parties while we’re in the dead of winter. So bittersweet. On the one hand its like rubbing my face in the fact that its dark and cold and I’m fat and pale. On the other hand it reminds me that warm weather and smokes are coming back one day.

In the meantime, I’ll just have to survive on Blackouts and the Fckin Foam tour. Less that 2 months away from the triumphant return to New Jersey. The Blackout Tour…where amazing happens:

Fckin Foam Trenton – April 5th – Sun National Bank Center, Trenton NJ – CLICK HERE TO BUY TICKETS 

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

The 2 Highest Paid Mets Outfielders This Year Are Jason Bay And Bobby Bonilla

That is absolutely unbelievable. Borderline criminal. I’m not a fan of spending money just because you have it. Making moves just to make moves. Thats what a guy like Michael Bourn was in my eyes. And tossing around money like that is what got the Mets in this situation in the first place.

But that being said, having a guy who retired in 2001 be the highest paid outfielder on a big market franchise is just straight up insanity. Angels making big moves signing Hamilton. Braves acquire Upton. Mets trotting out Lucas fucking Duda and the ghosts of Bay and Bonilla. There wasn’t many great options for the Mets – not like they let some guy slip right through their fingers that could have turned the team around. But asking people to pay money to come out to the ballpark and watch a bunch of minor leaguers dick around out there is gonna be a ballsy request from Mets management this year.

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 1:58 PM

Chesty, The New Marine Corps Mascot, Just Killing It On The Red Carpet

ABC NewsChesty, future Marine Corps mascot, sits on the red carpet in front of the Home of the Commandants waiting to meet Bonnie Amos, wife of Gen. James F. Amos, commandant of the Marine Corps during a visit to Marine Barracks Washington, D.C., Feb. 14, 2013. (Sgt. Dengrier M. Baez/U.S. Marine Corps)

I have a question – if you had Chesty at your disposal, is there any woman in the world you couldn’t fuck? I don’t think theres one woman on the planet who could resist Chesty and his owner. A floppy, smushy, bulldog puppy who also happens to be a Marine? Christ almighty thats the ultimate chick magnet concoction right there. The girls may end up banging Chesty himself. Just go straight to doggie style because Chesty is just that goddam cute. If Chesty plays his cards right he may end up having sex with more human women than I have. Like shooting fish in a freaking barrel when you’re a cute bulldog Marine.

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 3:55 PM

Jersey City Assemblyman In Trouble For Liking “Big Bootie Freaks” On Facebook – Jersey City Assemblyman Charles Mainor is in hot water again over his Facebook page, with constituents wondering if it’s appropriate for one of their state legislators to have “liked” Facebook pages such as Big Bootie Freaks and another page that posts videos of physical assaults.That page, dubbed You Got Knocked the F*ck Out Man, includes videos from WorldStarHipHop, the shock website that two weeks ago posted a savage video of a group of thugs stripping and whipping a Newark boy with a belt. Big Bootie Freaks, meanwhile, is filled with photos of women with large derrières. The pages were among five Mainor has liked since the start of 2013. Less than an hour after The Jersey Journal spoke to Mainor, the two pages were deleted from his Favorites list. Mainor, a Democrat who made headlines last January when he used Facebook to call the Philadelphia Eagles “gaybirds” and the Dallas Cowboys “cowgirls,” told The Jersey Journal this morning that he doesn’t use Facebook anymore since that incident, and at first he denied liking either of the two pages. He said he planned to un-like the page as soon as his daughter showed him how. “As far as the Big Bootie Freaks – listen, I love women, but it shouldn’t be on there but I don’t know how to get it out,” said Mainor, who is not married.

Listen Charles Mainor ain’t married. So he ain’t doing anything wrong. And if he like Big Bootie Freaks in real life then why should he not Like it on facebook? Take a look at my facebook likes:

I like Billy Joel in real life so I Like him on facebook. Last book I read was Harold and the Purple Crayon, so I Like it on facebook. If I liked thick black women like Chuck Mainor I’d like Big Bootie Freaks too. Thats just the way it goes. Bottom line is Charles Mainor is a hefty black man so you know he likes black women with huge asses. Who cares whether his facebook says so or not. This ain’t 2004.

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 4:52 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Kid Busted Trying To Fuck In Public Twice On Valentine’s Day?

Post & CourierOn Valentine’s Day, Charleston police arrested a man twice caught having sex in a tent on Marion Square. While patrolling the grounds of Marion Square shortly after midnight on Thursday, a police officer said he stumbled upon Bryan Williams, 19, of Millersville, Maryland, and an unknown woman having sex on a bench inside of a tent. The tent was a part of the Southeastern Wildlife Exposition. The officer ordered the couple to stand up and cover their genitalia. They were unsteady on their feet and smelled of alcohol. The officer told the pair to leave the park and go home. Instead, they giggled as they walked away only to crawl into another tent. Police caught them as they were beginning to have sex for a second time. Williams and the woman crawled out from inside the tent and tried to run away, but the officer stopped them. The woman escaped, however, while the officer struggled with Williams but was able to put him in handcuffs.

I envy you, Bryan Williams. Enjoy your teenage exhibitionist sluts. If you ask me, these are the peak years of a dude’s sex career. You’re past the awkward beginner stage of fucking while bonafide whores are starting to separate themselves from the pack. Combine this with a youthful lack of regret or your own place to live and you got a recipe for banging whenever, wherever. Which brings me to my point. There’s no better sex than sex in a public place.

First, the obvious – it confirms your chick is always DTF. Second, you probably don’t need a rubber. Granted, it’s a gamble, but if you’ve never gone through a Z-Pak or sent a broad to Planned Parenthood, your dick is bored. Third, it’s always a good story. Whether it be bending her over a car in the parking lot, crammed in a bathroom stall at the bar or in the middle of the Southeastern Wildlife Exposition, you got a contribution when your boys are exchanging pussy tales. And last, but not least, your performance means nada. You’re on the clock. No time for a box lunch. Maybe you’ll get blown for 30 seconds to get you ready, but it’s a sprint. You’re basically masturbating while improving your rep with your buds & the horniest of girls. Find me a down side.

By 610 posted February 18th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

In Honor Of The Cross Eyed Mom Who Got Naked At An Elementary School Assembly – The Definitive List Of Best School Days

ALBANY A mother of a student who attends the North Albany Academy has been arrested for removing her clothing during an assembly. According to the Albany School District spokesperson, the assembly at the school, located on North Pearl Street, was tied to Black History Month. Children, aged 5 to 14,  had gone up onto the stage to dance and parents later joined them on stage.  During the dance, 24-year-old Aydrea Meaders of Albany walked to the front of the stage and removed all her clothing from the waist up. School staff immediately acted and escorted the woman off the stage. Albany Police were called and arrested the woman. She’s been charged with seven counts of Endangering the Welfare of a Child and one count of Public Lewdness. She was arraigned in the Albany City Criminal Court. The district will be putting out a letter to parents explaining what happened.

There were few things better than Assembly Days when you were in elementary school. Its definitely top 10. Just a complete waste of a day in the auditorium goofing around while some idiot up there babbles about Black History Month or how you shouldn’t talk to strangers or what to do in case of an emergency. As far as I’m concerned the power rankings of awesome shit in elementary school is as follows: (disclaimer -Field Day is on its own level. Not being considered here)

8. Assembly Day – Completely worthless day as far as the education system goes. As I get older and I realize that teachers are real people too I think that Assembly Days were just days when the principal and all the teachers were hungover or something. “Everyone get in the auditorium and listen to our shitty chorus sing because my head is fucking pounding.”

7. Substitute Teacher Day – Absolutely nothing compares to the feeling of walking into the classroom and seeing some idiot substitute teacher writing on the board. Especially if you forgot to do your homework or something. You just know the next 45 minutes is gonna be a bloodbath for this replacement teacher. Nobody gets disrespected more than a sub. Nobody. When 25 eight year old kids smell substitute teacher blood in the water, you know they are just gonna swarm and go bananas. Substitute teachers are basically zoo keepers for an hour at a time.

6. Watch a movie in class day – This is basically teachers just giving up. Its what they do when they have no interest in teaching but they don’t have an assembly to send their kids to. You walk in the classroom and the lights are out and you see the big old TV on that big rolling shelf thing and you know its time to watch To Kill A Mocking Bird or some shit.

5. Play games during class day – When there’s no assembly, no substitutes available, and some other teacher already signed out the television to show a movie to her class, your teacher is like “Fuck it, lets just play 7-Up.” Not even trying to mask their laziness anymore. Like at least with a movie you can pretend its educational. Playing 7-Up is basically one half step above turning the lights out and just telling the kids its nap time. PS – if you weren’t cheating at 7-Up by looking at people’s shoes, I don’t wanna know you as a person.

4. Teacher Having Class Outside – The rarest of all elementary school occurrences. Happens maybe once ever 2 years. Every now and then when its nice in the spring a teacher will be like “Lets have class outside” and its one of the greatest surprises you’ll ever get in your life. I don’t even know why it was such a big deal, but it was. Like when I stepped outside of the school into the sunlight you would have thought I was locked up for life at Shawshank and I just got out of solitary. Obviously the idiot teacher will just babble as you sit in the grass and dig holes and break sticks and stuff and nobody learns a fucking thing. To be honest I think it was just a bargaining chip used by teachers to get kids to behave the other 200 school days a year.

3. 2 Hour Delay – The ultimate “Hit the snooze button” moment. Its an extra 2 hours to hang out in your PJs and watch a couple more rotations of Sportscenter. I don’t even know what the logic behind this idea was. An extra 2 hours for the roads to get plowed or something? The only problem with the 2 Hour Delay was that even though its a good thing, its always accompanied by some level or disappointment because you were hoping for a full day off.

2. Half Day – Half days were absolute fire. Sometimes you could make the argument that a half day is almost better than a full day off. You’re basically at school from like 9 to 11:30. You still have like a full schedule of classes its just that every period lasts about 11 minutes. Not even close to enough time to get anything done. Most of the teachers are like “Its SSR time, just read your books.” The best part of a half day and what makes it better than a full day off is that right after school ends you go hang out with all your friends. You go to a buddy’s house for lunch and play basketball all afternoon

1. Snow Day – The undisputed champ of awesome shit that can happen to you when  you’re a kid. To be perfectly honest, the Snow Day might just be the single greatest thing of all time. Maybe blow jobs are better than Snow Days but thats about it. Whether you’re 8 years old or 58 years old, the moment you get a phone call or an email or whatever saying your don’t have to go to school or work is one of the top 3 best feelings in the world. Remember there was that phone chain that you had to call to tell the next family that school was cancelled? What a beautiful thing that was. Like this giant network of communication in order to spread the best news ever. Bringing joy to hundreds of kids one phone call at a time. Spreading the word that you get to go sledding or build snow forts and have snowball fights and drink hot chocolate and watch TV instead of going to boring ass school. The Snow Day. Greatest thing of all time. PS – Parents must fucking hate the Snow Day.

So thats pretty much all the best shit that can happen to you at school. Aydrea Meaders kinda upped the ante with her assembly performance. I mean if my assemblies ever had a Biggie Smalls lookalike flashing her tits, maybe Assembly Day would be higher on the list than number 8. We just had firemen and policemen tell us not to get in cars with strangers. No tits involved. But its been a long time since I was in school. Maybe thats how Assembly Days rolls now.


By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 11:03 AM

Japanese Girls Wearing Panties On Their Faces Now

MSNWhich came first, Hentai Kamen, the Japanese superhero who wears girl’s panties on his face as a mask, or the trend of Japanese schoolgirls wearing panties on their faces? A recent photo book shows young women sporting the look. While Japan unquestionably leads the world in fetishizing schoolgirls and their underclothing, it’s rare to see a trend as on the nose as this one — and as prohibitive of necessary functions such as talking, eating and breathing. We can think of one person who’ll be comforted if this catches on: the parent who takes a daughter shopping and wonders why the kid’s carefully considering what pattern to choose for underpants. Because its headgear! Phew

You know what Japanese girls walking around with panties on their face means? It means Japanese men walking around with cum in their pants. Seriously they must love this. Japanse guys love underwear and pantyhose and all sorts of undergarment shit like none other. I mean don’t get me wrong, every guy from every country likes getting to see a chicks underwear. Catching a peak of a thong poking out the top of a pair of jeans is one of the simple pleasures in life that will never, ever get old. But I think part of the allure is getting a sneak peek when you’re not supposed to see it. Like the forbidden fruit. In Japan though, dudes will get their panty fix any way they can. If chicks wanna walk around with granny panties on their face then Japanese dudes are gonna beat their pixelated dicks to it. Plain and simple. Seriously I think young school girls singing karaoke with panties on their face is enough to bring even the strongest Japanese man to his knees. If she was eating some cat or dog and being rude on the subway it would be the most Asian fantasy of all time.

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Dude Gets $1 Million Payout After Doctors Remove The Wrong Testicle

Daily MailMore than £1million in damages have been paid out by the NHS to men who have had the wrong testicle removed by surgeons.  In the last four years there have been 56 successful claims made by men who have been affected by medical blunders, according to the National Health Service Litigation Authority.  In most cases the men didn’t need surgery at all and in others surgeons also had to remove the second testicle. The NHS normally pays out around £20,000 if the wrong testicle has been removed. Roger Goss, co-director of Patient Concern, told The Sun: ‘It is amazing that surgeons don’t always take enough care to guarantee that they are removing the correct testicle. ‘Despite the huge total compensation bill, individual payments sound modest for wrecking men’s lives.’ According to the figures £1.3million has been paid out since 2009.  Men who have been left infertile can be rewarded up to £70,000. But the most common reason for payouts is when doctors misdiagnose testicular torsion — where the tubes inside the body get twisted, cutting off the blood supply. Other claims result from hernia operations where the blood supply to the testicle is accidentally cut off.

I say a lot of exaggerated shit here on Barstool New York – but I’m dead ass serious when I say I’d give up a testicle for a million bucks. I mean are you fucking kidding me! That dude hit the fucking jackpot. Basically won the lottery. First of all you’ve got 2 nuts. So you still have your backup ball. Secondly what do you really need your balls for anyway? To procreate? Big whoop. I probably shouldn’t do that anyway. If you ain’t trying to have kids, your balls are pretty much useless. Except for the 2 or 3 times throughout your entire life when the average dude may be trying to get a chick pregnant, your nutsack doesn’t do a goddam thing. The only day to day value of balls is that it gives me something to grab when I put my hand down my pants when I’m watching TV. So anytime you can swap something thats pretty much useless for one million fucking dollars, you should do it. I’d probably give up a nut for like 50 grand.

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 2:54 PM

Tips From Kate Upton’s Fitness Trainer

CNN – Upton is the first model to be picked to do back-to-back covers for Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition since Tyra Banks appeared for the second time in 1997. And you only have to look at the photos to figure out why. Fitness trainer David Kirsch started working with Upton in August to prepare for the December photo shoot. We reached out to ask him about her exercise regimen, the biggest mistakes he sees clients make at the gym and why a strong mind is just as important as a strong body. CNN: What was Upton’s training schedule like? David Kirsch: The idea was to step up the intensity and duration of the workouts, making it a strict cardio and sculpting boot camp that entailed body weights and resistance bands, sprinting and calisthenics, shadow- and kickboxing. At the beginning, we worked out seven days a week, twice a day. Then we brought it down to five to six days a week for one hour a day. CNN: Was there a specific area she needed or wanted to tone? Kirsch: Kate has beautiful, feminine curves, and I didn’t want her to lose a crazy amount of weight. The goal was to lengthen and tone her thighs and inner thighs, and keep her butt perky. It wasn’t about dramatically changing her body; I didn’t want to do that. Just tighten, tone, lengthen. CNN: What was the most difficult thing for Upton? What was the easiest? Kirsch: Most difficult for her was the sprinting — getting up to a sprint was challenging. And the easiest was the boxing and kickboxing, mostly because she loved kicking my ass!

Getting fitness tips from Kate Upton’s trainer is like taking gambling advice from Pres. Its like taking sex advice from Feitelberg. Comedy lessons from Neil. Just the most unqualified people in the entire universe. Like how many people are banging on David Kirsch’s door to work with him? Ladies if you wanna be a hefty chick with huge tits, David Kirsch is your man! Do you wanna be described as “full figured?” “Buxom?” “Voluptuous?” Do you want to be called “healthy” because it looks like you never miss a meal? Then the David Kirsch Workout Plan is for you! In just 6 months you too can be 5’10, 165!

Unreal. Anna Nicole Smith 2.0 with rolls and back fat and we got people reading articles about how you can look like her. Actually this is probably the most realistic fitness tips article ever. Like reading an article about “Tips On How To Have A Body Like Candice Swanepoel” is just pointless and unrealistic. Fat chicks out there can realistically shed like 20 pounds and have a body like Upton.

Oh and for all you blind idiot Kate Upton addicts who will undoubtedly say “Oh yea KFC like you wouldn’t cum in 2 seconds if Kate Upton wanted to fuck you” – Would I have sex with her? Yes. Does she deserve to be the number 1 cover girl super model? For sure not.

By KFC posted February 18th, 2013 at 12:57 PM
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