I’m not gonna sit here and say I’m Bob Costas and I’m not gonna pretend that this was the greatest interview of all time.
But this was the greatest interview of all time.
If you’re between the ages of like 25 and 32 and grew up watching Global Guts on Nickelodeon I absolutely guarantee you this will be one of the most entertaining things you ever watch. Bryan Beer II, Global Guts champion, college football player, professional bull rider, Florida farmer, and one hell of a model American. We talked about the Global Guts tryouts and the competition that he smoked. Mike O’Malley and Mo the referee. Evander Holyfield and the Gramatica brothers. Red Lobster, Florida’s Natural orange juice. Legends of the Hidden Temple. And of course the Aggro Crag, which Bryan unveils, complete with his gold medal and his original Guts jersey. You know in Rudy when his father walks into Notre Dame’s stadium and says “This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen?” Thats how I felt when Bryan Beer II unveiled the Crag. Just an absolutely surreal moment for anybody who ever dreamed of racing up to the top of the Crag and winning Global Guts.
Seriously, if you were a 90s kid, this is something you can’t miss. I don’t think anybody has ever done a “Where are they now?” for the competitors of Global Guts so its actually a pretty cool unique spot for KFC Radio. Huge shout out to Bryan Beer II who perfectly retold the story of every 90s kid dream – probably our best episode to date thanks to him.
Introducing Audra from St. Joe’s. In honor of the Fckin Foam Philly video dropping today and the fact that Audra is an off the charts smokeshow, I’m breaking the rules. Just to make you guys understand what the Fckin Foam show in Trenton is gonna be like. Its New York, NJ, and Pennsylvania all within striking distance. Smokes and Stoolies from Manhattan to Philly and all up and down Jersey can converge on the Sun National Bank Center for the Fckin Foam Blackout to end all Fckin Foam Blackouts. Its is…the perfect storm.
NJ.com – Motor vehicle workers in Dayton called police on a man who insisted on wearing a pasta strainer on his head during the taking of his driver’s license photo, according to a police report. South Brunswick police officers responded to the MVC facility on Route 130 on a call that a man renewing his driver’s license refused to remove the strainer on his head, according to a police report. The incident occurred about noon on Saturday, Feb. 2. The man, Aaron Williams, 25, who gave an Egg Harbor Township address, told motor vehicle workers the strainer was a religious head covering and he had a right to wear it in his driver’s license photo. Williams said he practices Pastafarianism. Pastafarianism, or the Church of the Flying Spaghettic Monster, is a movement opposing teaching in schools of intelligent design and creationism. Reached by phone on Wednesday, Williams said he is serious about the movement. “I take it as seriously as anybody else when it comes to religious beliefs,” he said. In Austria, self-described Pastafarian Niko Alm fought for three years for the right to wear a pasta strainer on his head in his driver’s license photo. He won his fight after officials performed a mental-health check, according to NPR.
If you are a Pastafarian, you are one of the most enormous assholes on the planet. Just a huge, huge, wide asshole. I get it. I understand that gimmick behind it. “Is a flying spaghetti monster really that much more unbelievable than the flying wizard in the sky who can do magic?” “Prove you religion is right and I’ll say mine is wrong.” Blah blah blah all that Atheist garbage that they always say. But bottom line is if you run around with a pasta strainer on your head babbling about spaghetti monsters you’re a grade A tool. Its like the same thing as the feminist movement. Hairy pits and hairy legs with dyke haircuts making a big deal out of anyone who likes pretty girls and girly things. Making a statement and causing a scene when it comes to anybody who doesn’t believe what you think. You don’t believe in religion? Good for you. But just shut the fuck up about it and take your drivers license picture the same way everyone else does you whiny attention whores. Quit trying to convince everyone there is no God and go on about your business.
NYDN- Sounds like a bad deal for their partners. More than 50% of women said they would give up sex for six months if it meant saving $2,500, according to a survey. All You magazine questioned 2,600 women between the ages of 21 and 59 and found that bargains loom large — even in the bedroom. “Sex is overrated! I could pay a lot of bills with that kind of money! Loans. Food. I wouldn’t splurge or nothing!” said Patricia Stewart, 37, of East Flatbush, Brooklyn. The survey also found that 82% of women polled think of themselves as “committed clippers” who consider coupons “a way of life.” A whopping 74% of women polled said they would give up an hour of their day if it would save money.
Uh, no fucking kidding. Do you know how lame sex is for chicks? I’d say roughly 90% of the time its an out of shape guy smothering them wheezing in their face dripping sweat on them for 5-7 minutes as they don’t orgasm. If I was a chick I’d probably give up sex for free. Just stop doing it with no incentive other than I get to stop doing something that totally sucks. I mean when you really think about it, whats 6 months worth of sex to a chick? I’d say for your normal, average, non-slut single girl thats like 4 sessions? Sex 4 times with a stranger you met at a bar or a dude your friends set you up with that you barely like. Probably zero oral sex, chances are no orgasm. Thats worth, what, Like 50 bucks to a chick? I guess if you factor in the price of drinks and dinner if you’re lucky enough to go on a date we’re looking at like $300 bucks. Absolute maximum value of 6 months of sex for women. I’d sign for $2,500 in cash all day every day. Sit at home rent free blasting myself with some sort of space age vibrator robot that satisfies be 100 times more than some jabroni at the bar.
PS – 74% would give up an hour of the day for money? Yea no fucking kidding everyone would do that. Get to shave an hour off of every shitty day and get paid for it. Spend less time doing your awful daily routine and make more money. You can have like 23 hours of my day if you want. Just give me one hour to spend my free money and I’m good.
Pit bulls always get such a bad wrap. Seems like Kara Vandereyk likely has something to say about that. He was probably one of the must generous lovers this meth head has ever been with. Just throwing her a bone and putting it on this chick in her backyard. Honestly I bet the pit bull walked home with this head hanging low. Just ashamed of the white trash zero he stooped to. Went back to his pit bull buddies and confessed he just fucked a chick that looked like Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II. Lets be honest its not often you hear about human-pit bull sex and the pit bull is the one walking away remorseful. But I think we can rest assured thats what happened here. Kara the meth head busted her slump with a pit bull and the dog probably wanted a bath shortly there afterwards to wash away the stain.
Telegraph – American researchers found females are the more talkative sex because of a special “language protein” in the brain. The study, compiled by neuroscientists and psychologist from the University of Maryland, concluded that women talked more because they had more of the Foxp2 protein. The research, published in the Journal of Neuroscience, found that higher levels were found among humans that were women but in rats they were males. Their findings come after it was previously claimed that ladies speak about 20,000 words a day – more than 13,000 more than men. In their study, the researchers attempted to determine what might make male rats more vocal than their female friends. According to tests compiled on the parts of the brain known to be involved in vocal calls showed the male rats to have up to twice as much Foxp2 protein as the females. The researchers then increased the production in the brains of female rats and reduced it in males. This led to the female rats crying out more often. In contrast, males became less “talkative”. The researchers then tested samples from ten children, aged between three and five, which showed that females had up to a 30 per cent more of the Foxp2 protein than males in a brain area key to language.
Sit back, AIDS. Wait your turn, cancer. I demand all scientists work in unison to figure out a magic pill to combat our #1 epidemic, and that’s Foxp2. It’s a historic day to know we’ve not only isolated the cause of chick babble, but successfully tested the ability to kill its production. Now it’s time for all hands on deck to produce an over-the-counter way to make the world a better place. End the chatterbox. I’ve seen Jimmy Johnson pitching ExtenZe for a bigger dick & Joe Theismann’s solution for a smaller prostate. But if I don’t see Oscar Pistorious peddling a product that shuts your girl up after he gets away with shooting his girl in her piehole, we’ve failed as a society.
20,000? That’s as many words per day than points LeBron’s scored in 10 years. Let’s break that down. Based on KFC’s scale of female stupidity, women about half as smart as men and talk 3 times as much. My calculations show that’s 16,500 useless words that fall out of every single chick’s mouth every single god damn day – most of which land in the ears of men. Side effects of that include irritability, short temper, temporary deafness & infidelity. It helps you too, ladies, so you should be pushing just as hard for the mainstream cure. No, you still won’t be funny or interesting, but at least you’ll be way less annoying & slightly easier to pay attention to.
Curveball! iPad dude is gay as fuck! And that straight girl just got shut the fuck down. Nothin better than when a chick assumes she’s hot enough that you’re trying to bang her and you just own her right in her fuckin face. Hey toots you think you’re hot shit? Think you’re upsetting me by dropping the husband bomb on me? Guess again babe! I probably suck better dick than you do! I think your vagina is gross! Wouldn’t go near that thing with a ten foot pole. So shut the fuck and read your Kindle you presumptuous idiot.
PS – New AT&T Kids Commercial dropped. This time we’re talking about werewolves
I didn’t watch much of the Knicks/Pacers debacle last night. I was doing KFC Radio with a real competitor, Bryan Beer II, so I just had it on out of the corner of my eye. Didn’t matter, anyway. Within like 8 minutes it was an absolute travety. Absolutely nothing to see in almost a 40 point blowout. They limped into the break and this game against the Pacers to kick off the 2nd half was as close to a playoff game as you can get in February. It was a statement game and the statement Mike Woodson’s Knicks made were “Ehhh actually we’re not that good.”
Now I understand that Mike Woodson’ and the Knicks are dealing with the KFC curse after I reluctantly bought into them a couple weeks ago. But it goes deeper than that. They’ve been a .500 team since their insanely hot start. 14-14 after starting 18-5. Including some serious fucking stinkers like last night’s game and a blowout in Philly and a loss to the Raptors at home. So the question is, is it enough to push the panic button? Obviously not all out panic – unless something completely unexpected happens before 3pm today, they’re not making any moves. But is it time to juggle the lineup? The Felton/Kidd 2 headed point guard system that worked so well earlier this season has looked like garbage recently. Lets call a spade a spade, Shumpert hasn’t bounced back from his knee injury the way anybody expected. Hasn’t really bounced back at all. Novak hasn’t been the spark plug he was last year and can’t be trusted in big time games. And lets face it, Rasheed probably ain’t comin back.
On the flip side you got JR Smith and Amare coming off the bench. Now a game like last nite you see the horrendous side of JR Smith. He can’t be trusted night in and night out. And Amare on the floor with the starting unit the past few years was obviously a disaster. But whats the move? Or is there a move at all? Do you just weather the storm and hope for the best? Or is 14-14 dating back to the middle of December enough to pull the plug on the squad that started 18-5 and juggle it up? The real problem is, even if its time to change this lineup, Mike Woodson seems like one of those old school guys averse to change who will be too stubborn about it.
NY Post – He blames his parents — for everything! A Brooklyn man slapped his mom and dad with a $200,000 lawsuit that blames them for leaving him homeless and destitute because they allegedly raised him and his sibling in a poor household — and didn’t love him enough. Bernard Anderson Bey, 32, claims he never got enough affection or support from parents Vickie and Bernard Manley — so now he wants them to mortgage their share of a Bedford-Stuyvesant home so their family can buy two Domino’s Pizza franchises to employ them all, according to the bizarre suit. “Our whole family is really poor, and my father doesn’t care about the situation,” Bey said yesterday. “I feel unloved and abandoned.” Bey’s mother, Vickie Anderson, said yesterday she was scared of her eldest son. “I live in the projects. You want to sue me? What’s next, you coming to shoot up my door?” the mother said sadly. “He’s 32 years old. That speaks for itself. Welcome to America. Everyone in America has the same opportunity. Don’t blame the parents at this point. The choice is yours. You’re an adult.”
I feel you, Bernard Anderson Bey. I feel you. Every day I wake up and start slangin smut I think to myself “If my mom just loved me a little bit more. If my dad just respected me a little bit more. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it. Now I’m not physically homeless. But emotionally and mentally I am. A man-boy trapped in an adult’s body drifting aimlessly through life with no direction. And lets call a spade a spade – in this life its nature vs nurture and nurture wins every day of the week and twice with bloggers and homeless people.
And you know what could turn that all around for me and Bernard? 2 Dominos franchises, thats what. I’ll manage one and he runs the other. Together we’ll turn our lives around with money from our son of a bitch parents that don’t love us. I’ll tell you what else – thats a genius fucking business plan by Bernard. He’s not just some homeless asshole who wants money for booze and drugs. He wants 2 pizza franchises. Maybe if his parents loved him a little more they’d would have know he’s an entrepreneur.
PS – Doesn’t look too homeless does he? Sharp beard and a fresh gheri curl.
NYDN- Cops are investigating a sick video that surfaced on YouTube Wednesday of two little girls being egged on to fight each other in a New York City park. The vexing video shows a group of adults, perhaps even guardians, laughing and encouraging the puny pugilists to engage in a loathsome act akin to human cockfighting. Police were analyzing the heartbreaking 160-second video Wednesday night in hopes of identifying the participants in the twisted form of entertainment, a source said. It’s not clear from the video which park the incident occurred in, but World’s Fair-style benches and a concrete water fountain in the background are typical of New York City parks. There’s also an MTA bus passing in the distance. In the disturbing cell phone footage, the two girls, who appear to be 7 or 8 years old, are made to face each other. In the background, adults are heard repeatedly yelling, “slap her” and “whup her.” One of the little girls, wearing a black puffy jacket, refuses to fight even as her opponent, wearing a white puffy jacket and referred to in the video as “Puna,” grabs her by the hair and punches her. Breaking free, the girl in the black jacket begins crying historically, yelling, “I don’t want to hit her. I’m not playing. I like this little girl.”
Welp this is it folks. This is as low as the human race can go. More or less grown women sitting around dog fighting with their kids or the kids they babysit or siblings or fucking whatever. That poor girl Puna was fucking up. Just wants to live a normal human life where she grows up to be something other than a hoodrat savage. And after shit like this she’s just got no shot. Thats the worst part of all. Next time that little girl is thrown in the ring she’s not gonna worry about doing the right thing. She’s gonna worry about the next Puna fucking her shit up again. Its a dog eat dog world and when your ratchet mothers literally treat you like a dog and throw you in a ring like a pitbull, you got no choice but to eat. Awful.
NY Post – Times Square isn’t just the crossroads of the world — it’s the happiest spot in the Big Apple. The flashy strip and its surrounding streets — along with Midtown in general — host the most satisfied people in the city, according to a study of Twitter messages sent from the area. Times Square visitors think they know why. “We’re wonderfully happy — but we’re on vacation,” said Anthony Blair, 30, who was hanging out in Times Square yesterday. Researchers from the University of Vermont mapped out the city’s happiest areas using a complex formula that can pinpoint tweet locations and rate their relative “happiness” and “sadness” based on certain key words. While it did not rank neighborhoods in order of happiness, the data made clear that the biggest concentration of happy tweets came from Times Square and the surrounding area.
So forgive me if I don’t believe this twitter study analyzing the happiest places in New York City. Times Square is the 7th Circle of Hell and anyone who says otherwise is a tourist who lights bright lights and shiny pictures for a couple hours on their vacation.