Introducing Caroline from Rutgers. Just a few weeks away now from Fckin FOAM at the Sun National Bank Center in Trenton. I can say with absolute certainty Caroline will be there, courtesy of a free ticket from Barstool. Sometimes I see commenters or Barstool haters saying its a sausage fest at the Blackout Tour. Not sure how anyone could ever possibly think this after watching one of our videos. We have 5 different websites scouting smokes every single day making sure they come to our shows. Why on earth would you ever think there aren’t chicks there?
— Manish Mehta(@MMehtaNYDN) March 14, 2013
You know its bad when this move actually got me excited. There’s like a handful of other teams with QB situations as dreadful as the Jets. Philly and Arizona are 2 of them. And Kevin Kolb has already jettisoned from both those franchises. We’re scooping up the Cardinals sloppy seconds and the Eagles sloppy thirds and it’s probably the best move they’ve made. If he’s cheap enough, he’s by far the most capable QB on that mess of a roster.
In other Jets news, Shonn Greene gone. LaRon Landry gone. Mike Devito gone. Landry had a monster year, but it was obvious the Jets were not in position to pay him the kind of dollars he was gonna get on the open market. So no surprise there. No surprise with Shonn Greene either, who completely sucks. At least they’re way under the cap now. They’re gonna need it in order to buy an entirely new roster.
This concludes your weekly Jets offseason moves shit sandwich blog.
Houston – A former sergeant at the Houston Police Department has been demoted because of naked pictures she allegedly posted online. An attorney with the Houston Police Officers Union’ attorney confirmed the news on Tuesday, saying Stacey Suro accepted the police chief’s recommendation for demotion. The demotion means Suro is now an officer and will no longer patrol the streets of west Houston. Instead, she will work inside the department’s property room near downtown. The investigation into Suro’s online activity started last September. Sources said that’s when HPD learned Suro had posted nearly 100 pictures, some of them nude, on the modeling site. Other images appear to depict Suro in fetish, bondage and other compromising positions. Suro has since taken her information down. Before the content was removed, KPRC-TV Houston found a bio in which Suro called herself “Tessoro.” She clearly stated she was a model and was charging photographers for work. According to the department’s conduct policy, “Employees shall exhibit professional conduct at all times and shall not engage in any activity, including unlawful activity that would degrade or bring disrespect upon the employee or the department.” Her attorney said she accepts responsibility for her decisions. A police source said the demotion will likely come with a significant pay cut for the 20 year veteran.
Jesus Christ, men. Get it together. Are we encouraging broads to be whores or not? Stories like this makes me feel like we’re not all on the same page about the most basic shit. Tits. If I have to William Wallace the titty cause, I will, but it’d be a damn shame if that were necessary. Let’s be clear – similar to “there’s no such thing as an ugly blow job”, there’s no such thing as a rack we shouldn’t want to see. Those are virtual commandments. I’m not saying we’re gonna be happy with it every time. There will be regret. But if you haven’t ditched your facade of “standards” for the sake of your dick, that’s not pre-cum your blue balls are squeezing out. Those are dick tears.
So how dare we punish Stacey Suro for showing off her milk sacks. Midas whale punch each other in the bags while we’re at it. And Sergeant Slut’s got some pretty nice cans for a middle-aged tranny. I’m actually disappointed I couldn’t find any uncensored pics of her hog-tied with a ball gag. Just not as disappointed as I am of the men in charge at the Houston PD for portraying a woman slutting it up as doing something wrong.
NBC – Pint-sized sluggers in the town of Atwood, Ill., may have one of America’s best-selling firearms to thank when they step up to the plate this summer: The local youth baseball league is raffling an AR-15 rifle to raise funds for new equipment. The response has been “tremendous,” said Charidy Butcher, co-owner of the Atwood Armory shop, which donated the gun for auction. “I’ve gotten calls from every state in the country.” The Rock River Arms Tactical Operator 2 AR-15 rifle that her store has put up was made by an Illinois firearms manufacturer, Butcher said. “It’s one of the hottest on the market right now,” she said. “They’re almost impossible to get your hands on.” The raffle has already raised about $1,600 in two days, Butcher said – far outpacing last year’s raffle, which raised just $10. “I’m loving it,” said Atwood-Hammond league commissioner Steven McClain. “A lot of people are saying it’s a political stunt, but it’s not.” The team league is not affiliated with the Little League International, McClain said. Between 100 and 150 children participate in the league every year, he said. “We’re not funded by anybody,” McClain said. “We don’t have any outside funds. We knock on doors to get sponsors from our local businesses and we’re self-sufficient.” Whoever holds the winning ticket will have to undergo a full background check.
Listen I’m not some pro-gun hillbilly. I don’t think your local Little League team should be gun running AR-15′s. But theres more than just violence that can threaten the upbringing of the youth of America. And one of those things is being the team with the shitty fucking baseball equipment. When your team has the shitty helmets with that foam thats as hard as a rock – one size extra small, the other double XL – it sucks. When you’ve got the solid iron bat with the flat rubber grips with dents in the barrel, it sucks. You feel like you’re poor. Every time your giant helmet rattles off your head as you run the bases, the other team is laughing at you. When they see your hands stinging every time you make contact with your crappy bats, they’re laughing. Nothing worse than being on the poor team.
So when last year’s bake sale only raised 10 bucks and you got a beautiful Operator 2 AR-15 that local hicks wanna shoot, well you do what you gotta do. Sell that thing for like $2,500 and trot out the best fucking Little League team you’ve ever seen. New bats new mitts new batting gloves the whole 9. You could change a kid’s life giving him a Little League team like that.
HuffPo- A Ukrainian zoo owner risked life and limb when he walked into a lions’ den in 2011 and didn’t come out until five weeks later. Now, Alexander Pylyshenko plans to live with lions again. But this time around, he’s pledging to reside among the large felines for one year. According to Russian-language newspaper Segodnya, Pylyshenko will live in the lions’ den at his small, private zoo in Vasylivka for the next year in order to raise funds for the construction of a rehabilitation center for lions and other big cats. He set his fundraising goal at 365,000 UAH (nearly $45,000). According to Russian-language newspaper Segodnya, Pylyshenko will live in the lions’ den at his small, private zoo in Vasylivka for the next year in order to raise funds for the construction of a rehabilitation center for lions and other big cats. He set his fundraising goal at 365,000 UAH (nearly $45,000). If Pylyshenko is able to live among lions for an entire year, he’ll surpass the current Ukrainian record of 35 days, which Pylyshenko himself set in 2011. At the time, the zoo owner lived in the same confines as two lions, sharing their sleeping quarters and their meals of raw meat, fed to the animals through the bars of the cage.
One of the questions last night on KFC Radio was “If you could kill one group of people, not meaning race or religion, but one specific niche of people, who would it be?” The Stoolie caller’s answer was zoo keepers. Which, at the time, I thought was weird. Whats wrong with zoo keepers? Sure they’re animal freaks but the zoo is fun when you’re a kid and shit. You need zoo keepers to run the zoo. Well suffice it to say I’m changing my answer. If Alexander Pylyshenko represents zoo keepers then I want them dead too. What a fucking asshole this idiot is. Eating raw meat and living with one of the most dangerous killers on earth for 45 grand. You can be a functioning retard and land a job paying close to that these days. Every idiot under the sun has a kickstarter online fundraiser set up for them that rakes in like $500,000. All you gotta do is be like really nice or really retarded or really homeless and people just give you six figures now. And this idiot is willing to risk life and limb for an entry level secretary salary. And another thing – don’t you think you’re getting a little cocky with your promise of a fucking year? Like last time you did a month and a week so you’re gonna dial it up to a goddam year? Lets start with like 60 days or something dude.
Good news is these lions are gonna eat him to death so nobody has to worry about killing him.
What a fucking bullshit insane finish this was. The first technical I can understand. I think that guy kinda flopped and lost his balance but you can’t go tossing people on a made basket on the front end of a 1 and 1. But the REAL bullshit is giving them 3 free throws on that half court heave. That NEVER gets called. Saying he was in the act of shooting and giving them three free throws is just inexcusable. I would go berserk and get T’d up for that too. And when you see that the over under was 130.5 and the final score was 68-63 things get reeaaal fishy.
PS – I don’t actually believe in these conspiracy theories. Its just shitty officiating. But much more fun to chalk it up to a gambling conspiracy than just say these refs suck.
Cuncel Da Saeson Mets Shirts Now On Sale In Our Brand New Customized Gear Section Of The Online Store
Team to gear up for 2013 with the New York Mets! Its not even St. Patrick’s Day and we’re cunceling them. Unfortunately for me, I could probably make these shirts for every one of my teams, but the Mets were the original. If you’ve been down with Barstool New York since the beginning, you already know the phrase. If you’re new to it, you can find an explanation here. Either way, new or old, its the most infectious gibberish phrase of all time. Get on board and get your t shirts here.
Also let me just take a moment to highlight a new feature of the Barstool online store. We’ve obviously revamped the whole thing – we used to just have some sweatshop kids knit them up and then Feitelberg would legitmately have to ship them individually. Thats why shipping always took so long. Now we’ve got a full service third party. So not only do they ship in like a few days, but theres a new section of the store where you can customize any of our Classic t shirts. Meaning you can pick any of a previous logos from our best sellers from the past and slap them on any type of t shirt, tank top, or v neck – in any color – that you’d like. Its basically like create your own Stool gear with our throwback shirts. Mix and match colors, styles, logos. Full service shipping to boot.
*Important note – The logos/pictures/artwork will always stay the same. So there are idiots out there who have been ordering the purple starfish tank top and putting it on a purple tank top so you cant see it. So for instance if you got the Cuncel Da Saeson logo on a blue shirt you wouldn’t be able to see the lettering or Mr. Met’s hat, sleeves etc. So you can get whatever color you’d like, but basically just don’t be an idiot when creating your gear.
Any problems with shipping? Quality? Call the customer service line or email our online store – Phone Number: 877.684.7643 Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
LostLetterman – Rick’s Cabaret & Steakhouse is making sure the last Big East tournament as we know it is going out in grand fashion. First, a ticket to the Big East tournament will get you free admission to the strip club down the street from Madison Square Garden during its “Welcome to the Jungle” promotion, which began on Tuesday and runs through Saturday. While tickets to the conference tournament can still be found on StubHub for $10, Rick’s is waiving the $20 entrance fee with a two-drink minimum after 7:00 PM for anyone with a ticket stub from a game in their hand. Here we were thinking that basketball was the only thing that could bring fans from 14 different schools across the country together in the spirit of mutual appreciation. Reads Rick’s press release: “The cabaret at 50 West 33rd Street, across from the Empire State Building and just a block from Madison Square Garden, will feature a special menu at its Zagat-rated steak house and discounted drinks throughout the week. The club is expected to be packed with fans attending the Big East championship basketball tournament.” They are also pumping the promotion on social media
Well looks like the Big East Tournament tournament is going out with a bang. Next year the power players are gone and the Catholic 7 or whatever the fuck its called comes into play. The Big East as we know it is dead.
So what better way to celebrate the life of the Big East Tourney than with free admission to the strip club near the Garden? Pop over to Ricks for a little $10 lunch before Cuse vs Pitt in the 2pm game. Head back to Rick’s for some dinner buffet before the 9pm Notre Dame Marquette matchup. Finish off your night back at Rick’s with an OTPHJ. Remember your last Big East Tourney by potentially blowing a load in your pants and dropping an ungodly amount of money on Eastern European women. Thats some real March Madness right there.
PS – $10 lunch is seriously enticing, even by food-in-a-strip-club standards
NY Post – A pair of pandas were sat in front of a porn movie to get them in the mood during mating season. Scientists feared the couple would never have baby bears after the frigid bamboo-munchers failed to get it on. So they placed a TV screen next to their cage which showed other pandas having sex. And conservationists in southern China were celebrating after the shy couple got down and did the business after the experiment. Vets at the Panda Breeding and Research Base in Chengdu, Sichuan province, were worried as inexperienced five-year-old female Colin kept rejecting her mate, Yongyong. So they were given the “educational” video as a sex aid. “Every time Yongyong tried to mount her, Colin fought him off and we were worried she was going to miss her very short, three-day breeding cycle,” said a spokesman for the centre. “So we played them the film and she took great interest in it. “After that there was no stopping her and they mated successfully,” they added. One vet at the centre said: “Colin is in her first year of sexual maturity. “In the wild she would have seen lots of other pandas mating so it’s no wonder that she needed a bit of help.” Giant Pandas are an endangered species as their natural forest habitat in China is being destroyed. And their population struggles to grow as female pandas have a very short window each year when they can mate – lasting two or three days.
The entire world has been spoiled by porn. Everyone from humans to fucking pandas need some porn now to get stimulated. Like before the internet days you had to really use some mind power. Dig deep into the spank bank for some sexy memories from your past. Just had to get creative and think about the last time you fucked in order to make your dick realize it was about to happen again. Chicks need a little convincing to get wet. No different for Pandas. Colin was only 5 years old. She didn’t even realize it was mating season. Needed a little something to motivate her to let Yongyong fuck her. So scientists pop on a little Panda Youjizz and set the mood. Thats what the world is like in the 21st century. Start reading them 50 Shades of Grey out loud and I bet next week Colin is gonna be in latex tied up getting fucked by Yongyong with anal beads.
Carmelo being sent back to NY for tests. Tyson probable for Thursday.
— Howard Beck (@HowardBeckNYT) March 14, 2013
I was all set to officially Cuncel the Knicks last night after I saw Tyson Chandler’s knee injury. Thought for sure that was a season ending type of knee injury. But apparently he’s probable for this Thursday and it just looked a lot worse than it is. That, or Tyson Chandler realizes this ship is sinking and if he misses any time this team is fucked. And on the flip side of things Carmelo wanted to try and show off against his old team and failed miserably and is now getting his knee drained after tripping over his own two feet 2 weeks ago. Waits until the team is down 35 points and pulls a Reverse Willis Reed and walks off the court during a time out. Hell of a franchise cornerstone.
So while this might not be a pinpoint, absolute Cuncel because they’ve still probably got some playoff games in their future and anything can happen. And I know the media and the rest of the world are gonna be in a frenzy to give up on the Knicks. But the reality of the matter is they’re showing their age. Their leader is, I guess, injured and playing like a bag of shit. The veterans that were so valuable earlier in the year have either disappeared literally or metaphorically. The writing is on the wall – since the middle of December they’ve steadily declined, and without Melo at 110% theres no way they this around. Not to the tune of being a #2 seed in the east the way they’ve been all season. 4, 5 seed comin up? Potentially/probably 6? Luckily Chicago is just as lost as the Knicks right now otherwise I could see things getting real ugly.
One of the rare youtubes where all 10 minutes might be worth it
MSN - Men of Earth, don’t even try to satisfy Stephany Fay Cohen. The self-described psychic says that not only does she interact with races of aliens ranging from “The Greys” to cat men and octopus people, she also has had sexual encounters with them. Like out of this world (or, skeptics might say, out of her mind) sex that has been better than what she’s experienced with any human. “He’s kind of like a spirit boyfriend,” she said of one of her lovers. “I don’t call him my boyfriend. He’s more a good spirit friend who happens to be from the octopus race.”
How about this cocky Aunt Jemima bitch? Talking about how she goes all over the universe fucking cat-men and octopus people, getting banged out at intergalactic bus stops. Hey slut! A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells! You goddam whore. And I love the article skewed this. Like humans can’t fuck as good as aliens and I’m supposed to be all upset about that. Of course aliens can fuck better than I can. Aliens probably built the Pyramids and shit. Their technology is thousands, maybe millions of years more advanced than ours. Probably more physically evolved as well. Their dicks – if they even still use dicks, seems pretty primitive – can probably vibrate and pulsate and thrust. Probably have probes and shit that just punish earth clits. No fucking kidding you wake up in the morning laying in a puddle. According to Ancient Astronaut theorists, getting an earthling off is fucking child’s play for these extra terrestrials.
PS – I don’t think your “spirit boyfriend” is gonna be very impressed with your psychic work guessing the briefcase at the 6 minute mark. Maybe the worst psychic job of all time. You’re gonna have to suck his spirit dick to make up for that embarrassment tonight.
CBS – A diner at a Gage Park neighborhood McDonald’s is suing the fast food giant, claiming her young child ate a used condom he found in the restaurant’s play area. Anishi Spencer filed the suit Wednesday in Cook County Circuit Court on behalf of herself and her young sons, Jacquel and Jonathan Hines. Jonathan, then 3, and Jacquel, 2, were visiting the restaurant at 5733 S. Kezie Ave. on Feb. 4, 2012, when they allegedly found the used condom on the play area floor, Spencer claims in the suit. The mother claims Jacquel later coughed up a piece of the condom, the suit says. Both toddlers had to receive medical treatment because of the incident. The suit accuses McDonalds Corp. and McDonalds of Illinois of failing to properly clean hazardous debris from an area used by children. It also blames the restaurant chain for not using surveillance or inspections to uncover any “deviant activities” at its eatery.
There is no worse place to eat a used condom than inside a McDonald’s play pen. Like if you’re gonna list out all the dining areas to chow down on a used condom – the top end of the spectrum would be a nice candle lit dining room, the bottom end would be a McDonald’s play pen. Absolutely dead last. The used condom was probably just the appetizer. The first course. Had Jacquel not been yanked out of there, she probably would have eaten a piece of human shit with a hypodermic needle on the side. That used condom/human turd/hypodermic needle is actually the little known #15 on the McDonald’s Extra Value Meal menu. Honestly you got better chance of hanging out in a tuberculosis ward and coming out healthy than you do hanging out in a McDonald’s Play Pen. The quickest way to become Patient Zero is to roll around in one of those joints.
I’ll tell you what the real story is though – people fucking in the ball pit. Assuming we can remove the nasty hygienic aspect – its the complete polar opposite of eating in a ball pit. Banging in the balls has gotta be the single funnest experience of all time, no? Diving into the abyss of balls just trying to get your footing so you can bang out your lady partner. The rumbling noise. Plastic balls flying. Climbing up the netting on the side and diving off. Not really sure how that part would mesh with the sex but I’d work it in there. I think banging in a ball pit has just skyrocketed to the top of my Bucket List. McDonald’s here I cum.
So this week, Big Cat and Chicago made Barstool history when their Guess That Ass on Monday decided to take to the comments section to defend herself agains the animal Stoolies saying all sorts of shit about her. And then she took it one step further to come on KFC Radio and talk about her experience as the most intriguing butt on Barstool this week. And she did the whole interview laying in her bed which means we all kinda hooked up with her. Big Cat recited some of the best and worst comments left for Ali that day. She talked about what a Barstool commenter would have to say to get her to go out with them. And finished off her interview with a Marry Fuck Kill of Big Cat, myself and Feits. I’ll let you watch to find out the results.
Here’s a hint: She killed the shit out of Feits.