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Cereal Madness

These guys at The Victory Formation created a field of 64 cereals. Great idea. The only better tournament in the history of made up March Madness tournaments was my Smokeshow Cartoon Bracket on For Sure Not.  I had to take screen shots of each region because the whole bracket wont fit on the Stool. But here is how it all plays out in my mind. Bear in mind, just like with the Barstool Blogger Bracket, I didn’t make the seeding. There was some controversy on that earlier in the week and there’s gonna be controversy with this one. Specifically Corn pops being a NINE seed. Thats absolutely insanity. Anyway here it is…

Final Four of (1) Cinnamon Toast Crunch, (9) Corn Pops (2) Lucky Charms and (1) Frosted Flakes. If Apple Jacks was in the Frosted Flakes region, I would have Apple Jacks in the Final Four. Also, the lower half of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch bracket is awful. Plain Cheerios with a 2 seed is crazy. Plain Cheerios sucks. Like eating tasteless pebbles or something. So I wasn’t thrilled with Cookie Crisp making it as far as it did. Those are just stale chocolate chip cookies. If you’re gonna eat that you might as well just have Chips Ahoy with milk for breakfast. But I really had no choice the way these guys seeded that region.

And in a clash of the titans, CTC defeats Lucky Charms in a long fought battle. Towards the end of the bowl, Lucky Charms ran out of marshmallows and you were left with just oats. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the champ.

PS – I don’t really like chocolately cereals. So I know a lot of people probably like Cocoa Puffs and shit but it just doesnt do it for me. I’ll take honey/sugary/sweet cereals over chocolate or peanut butter every day.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Woman Divorces Husband Over 5 Centimeter Penis

TaiwanA 52-year-old Taiwanese woman has been granted a divorce to end her four year marriage with a civil servant, whom she claimed to have a tiny Willy. The woman, also a civil servant surnamed Zhang, said the 55-year-old—known only as Zhou—has also failed to keep his promise to have sex with her three times a week. “His penis is so small, like a kid’s, only 5cm long. We’ve never had sex in our entire marriage,” she added. Zhang said they met in July 2008 through a common friend and got married five months later. She had wanted to have sex with Zhou before signing the marriage papers but he refused, citing religious reasons. Zhang said she only found out about her husband’s problems on their wedding night. “He’s also impotent and unable to fulfill his responsibility as a husband.” The couple separated the day after their marriage, but they spent 10-odd nights together to see if the husband’s condition had improved. Unfortunately, it hadn’t. He declined the claims that he was impotent, blaming the timing as to why he couldn’t perform. “I prefer to have sex in the morning but she wanted it around midnight, by then I would be very tired,” he said. “Sex is not the only foundation for marriage after all,” he added, while denying that he promised to have sex with Zhang three times a week, as his urge for sex was very low.

Jesus Christ. Dudes can’t win. Any culture, any age – it doesn’t matter. If you wanna fuck all the time, your girl’s got a headache or thinks you’re a pervert. If you don’t nail her enough, you’re cheating or gay. Got a big hose? Not so deep, it hurts. Anal’s out of the question and she sure as shit ain’t trying to put all that in her mouth. Packing sub-par heat? Well, then she’s gotta tell the world about it.

A little math tells me this guy’s dong is about 2 inches. Hard or soft wasn’t specified, but we’re talking about an Asian penis, right? A couple inches puts him right on par with your average Jackie Chan. I can’t blame Zhang for wanting a monster pipe, but I’m sure if we asked Zhou, he’d wish she didn’t have tiny tits with nips longer than his cock. Life ain’t perfect. For all we know, he was cursed on a trip to Africa.

The biggest asshole in this situation though is the common friend who set them up in the first place. What kind of sadistic motherfucker pairs up a 52 year-old anaconda-craving slut who wants to bang at all hours of the night with a 55 year-old dude well past his sexual prime & packing a baby egg roll? That’s fucked up. Now poor Zhang’s got his exaggerated ‘tiny, broken dick’ dirty laundry out for any prospective wife to unfairly judge him by. Thanks, “pal”, for condemning your “friend” to a twilight of playing his wang like the world’s tiniest viorin.

By 610 posted March 20th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Was The Kardashian Pussy Smelling Contest Rock Bottom For Humanity?

The SunTHE Kardashian sisters have left viewers appalled after taking part in a vile sniffing contest for their reality TV show.In shocking scenes aired during this week’s episode of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, the two sisters were seen discussing how pineapple juice could make a woman’s private parts smell “sweeter” And to their audience’s horror Kim, 32, and Kourtney, 33, then went on to challenge each other to a “vagina smell-off”. The vulgar contest saw the elder Kardashian girls downing litres of pineapple juice, before asking younger sister Khloe to judge their distasteful challenge. Khloe was seen telling them: “Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p****? Not really, but we’re sisters … if I can’t smell their p******, what else am I supposed to do?” The 28-year-old later ruled: “Honestly, I will say that Kim’s p**** smells the best – she’s the winner.” Disgusted viewers took to Twitter to slam the repugnant scenes. Katie Callaghan tweeted: “Listening to Kourtney and Kim Kardashian argue about which one of them has the better vagina makes me sad to be an American.” While Tiffany Miller wrote: “No way are the Kardashian girls having a vagina-smell-off. F***ing sick!” And Justin added: “Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t hit rock bottom, the Kardashians are having a Vagina Smell Off.”

This is why the terrorists want to kill us, folks. This is it right here. 3 women with no discernible talent making tens of millions of dollars to sit around and sniff each other’s pussies. Chugging pineapple juice, shoving pussy covered cloth in each others faces. Thats enough to make me want to strap a bomb to my chest and go blow up all of Miami to make sure I take them with me. I’ll go down as a martyr that was able to rid the world of Khloe Kardashian, the Pussy Smelling Sasquatch.

As far as the actual contest goes, there is absolutely no way Kim Kardashian has a better smelling pussy than Kourtney. Because there’s no way she has a better smelling pussy than any other girl in the world. I’d rather sniff Khloe’s dick than Kim K’s pussy. So much black dick has run up in there and just beat that thing into a bowl of mashed potatoes. She could drink a bathtub full of pineapple juice and that cooch would still smell like the armpit of a bum who lives in a dumpster.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Kate Upton Agrees To Go To The Prom With That Kid From Yesterday

Well this is the world we live in, folks. A world where everyone just gets whatever the fuck they want at all times. You wanna go to the prom with a SI Cover Model, just ask her! She has to say yes or otherwise she’s a bully! Can’t hurt feelings anymore! Doesn’t matter that he’s not a Marine serving his country. Doesn’t matter that he’s not sick and this is his dying wish. He’s just a pimple faced punk who wants to go to the prom with a plus size model. And in the event she says her schedule doesn’t work and she doesn’t go with him, someone will probably set up a kickstarter fundraiser for him or something. This little idiot is either gonna play hide the salami inside Kate Upton’s back fat or walk away with like 10 grand probably. Thats just how the world works right now. If the world pities you, you get shit. Pity is king.

And they’ll probably win Prom King and Queen too. A short pimple faced slug and a fat chick – King and Queen. The world has become so backwards I just don’t wanna live anymore. I feel like Channing Tatum in the remake of 21 Jump Street when all he wants to do is wear his book bag with one strap and beat up nerds and make fun of gays but the whole school is now backwards and all the cool kids are socially aware nerds and shit. Bring me back to the time when super models needed to be anorexic to earn our respect and dorks like Jake don’t go to the prom with anybody, let alone an SI Cover chick. Thats when the world was real life.

 

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

African Tribes Worried That Their Dicks Are Shrinking And Being Stolen

Yahoo – In a recent issue of “Pacific Standard” magazine, Louisa Lombard, an anthropologist at the University of California at Berkeley, described visiting a small town in the Central African Republic where she encountered two men who claimed that their penises had been stolen. It seems that the day before, a traveler visiting the town had shaken hands with a tea vendor who immediately claimed he felt a shock and sensed that his penis had shrunk. He cried out in alarm, gathering a crowd, and a second man then said it also happened to him. This is not the setup to a joke; it is a real psychological disorder called koro in which victims (mostly men, but sometimes women) come to believe that their genitals are shrinking or retracting into the body. The concern is not only for their sexuality, but also for their lives, since they believe that the condition may be life threatening if not reversed. In order to prevent further shrinkage, victims have been known to securely tie their penises with string or metal clampseven sometimes having family members hold it in relays until treatment can be sought, usually from shamen or traditional healers. The condition has most often been found in Africa in recent decades, though it has also been widely reported in Asia. ”In recent years, news media in several West African countries have reported periodic episodes of ‘panic’ in which men and women are beaten, sometimes to death, after being accused of causing penises, breasts, and vaginas to shrink or disappear.” Victims of koro usually believe that a touch or “accidental” brush with a stranger caused the theft, in the same way that a pickpocket might steal a wallet.Dzokotoand Adams give one example of a 17-year-old man in Ghana who “claimed that he had gone to fetch water for his father and was returning when [the perpetrator] came behind him, touched him and immediately he felt his penis shrink until it was no longer visible.”

How spiteful do you have to be to curse someone with a dick shrinking spell? Like that tea vendor from Ghana just shook that guy’s hand and was like “I’m gonna steal this motherfucker’s penis.” Gave him a whole batch of Koro and watched his dick shrink inch by inch until it totally retracted up into his body. Whats that about? Thats gotta be the cruelest thing I’ve ever heard. I wonder if whoever does the curse is stealing all those dick inches and their dick actually grows. For every inch they lose you gain one until their dicks are completely gone and you’re walking around with a dick the size of three humans. That would be absolutely diabolical. Otherwise there’s just no real reason to steal another man’s dick. Its just spite in its lowest, meanest form.

Gotta love their tactics to prevent this shit from happening though. Tying their dicks to the ceiling and putting their dicks in boxes. Taking turns holding each other’s dicks until the witch doctor comes. Whatever it takes to make sure their cocks don’t get pick-pocketed. Like hey Africans! Give it a rest! Calm the fuck down. Irish guys have been dealing with this forever. Koro is just the Irish Curse. Just relax, drink a beer, and physically abuse your wife to make up for your short comings. At least thats what I was taught.

PS – Love the Asians trying to get in on this Koro thing. Like “Oh yea black guys, thats whats happening to us too! Our dicks are shrinking and being stolen!” No Asians. You just have tiny peckers and choose to blur them out in porn. You’re not cursed with a dick shrinking hex.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Is This The Worst Ass In The History Of Human Asses?

Stumbled upon this slop while looking for GTA today. What in the fuck is going on there? Looks like a goddam melting candle. Like a sand castle thats too wet and is falling apart. Its like Salvador Dali’s Melting Clocks or the Gaudi cathedral in Spain that looks like its dripping. Flat, droopy, stretchy. Goodness gracious.

Craziest part is it belongs to Karen Mulder who was a former super model in her heyday:

I mean this chick is over 50 at this point so I’m not saying I expect her to run around the beach with a Leanna Bartlett ass or something. But good Lord. I almost expected it to be Steven Tyler when I first took a look at that slop. You could throw pizza dough against the wall and come up with something that looks more like a human ass that thing.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Jon Hamm’s Dick Is So Impressive Its Distracting The Entire Set Of Mad Men

NYDN“Mad Men” star Jon Hamm’s private parts are causing a stir. Again. An AMC insider tells Confidenti@l that during filming of the sixth season of the hit show — when the ’60s-style clothing was a tight fit — Hamm was politely instructed by a staffer at the network to please wear underwear while shooting his scenes.  “This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination,” a source tells us. “Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear.” Our insider says that during seasons one and two, AMC’s marketing team even had to do some Photoshop magic on promotional booklets that went out to press in order to make his privates more, well, private.  “His privates are the inside joke,” says our source, who adds that Hamm “knows what he’s got.”  This season, the network hired popular ’60s illustrator Brian Sanders to tackle the poster task with a paintbrush. In past seasons’ posters, we’ve seen Hamm’s Don Draper both sitting and standing with his back to us. The new season debuts on Sunday, April 7, with a two-hour premiere. A rep for Hamm said: “It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

Hammerhead cock on that Don Draper. Just an absolute sledge. Trying to cram that dick and balls into a pair of 1960s pantaloons must be an absolute chore. And the staffer can give me a break with this whole underwear thing. Asking Jon Hamm to control his cock so it doesn’t distract people. You can’t stop Jon Hamm’s dick. You can’t even hope to contain it. Asking him to put that thing away in a pair of tighty whities is like asking an elephant to get inside a dog cage. Just not happening. That trunk has a life of its own. Does what it wants. Its Don Draper’s dick and ball’s world. We’re just living in it.

PS – Jon Hamm’s rep can suck my little, 1/10th the size of Don Drapers dick. Its been blogged about 1,000 times and if he steps out of the house bulging like I’m wearing a pair of 3D glasses then its gonna be 1,001. And the time after that 1,002 and so on and so forth. I will never take the high road on Jon Hamm’s dick.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

2 Dudes Lose Their Legs At The Strip Club

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SF Gate – Two men lost their legs after getting into a fight with another man at a Los Angeles strip club, the Los Angeles Times reports. A fight, which allegedly included racial slurs, broke out inside the club at about 3:30 a.m. Sunday and continued in the parking lot, where 40-year-old Terrence Conrad Meeks is accused of ramming the other two men with a car, pinning the victims between two vehicles. The two men were taken to a Los Angeles hospital, where one man had both legs amputated above the knee. The other man had his right leg amputated above the knee, doctors told the Los Angeles Times. Meeks is charged with attempted manslaughter and DUI. 

I usually feel absolutely awful leaving the strip club. You’re absolutely shitfaced. Your balls are blue. Your wallet is empty. You’ve got that stain on your conscience about the things you just tried to do with random Eastern European women who have absolutely nothing to live for.

Imagine combining all that with a vehicular manslaughter hate crime and losing both your fucking legs? I mean thats a night you probably don’t even wanna wake up from. I get depressed just looking at the ATM receipts in my pocket checking how much I spent in the club. If I was overdrawn and didn’t have any more legs I’d be absolutely furious with myself.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

$3 Bowl Sells For $2.2 Million At NYC Auction

Daily Mail- A rare Chinese bowl bought at a yard sale for $3 has sold at a New York auction for more than $2.22 million. The 1,000-year-old bowl was sold as part of the opening session of Sotheby’s fine Chinese ceramics and works of art auction on Tuesday. Sotheby’s says it was sold to a London dealer for $2.225 million, far above the pre-sale estimate of $200,000 to $300,000. The bowl is from the Northern Song Dynasty. The person who put the bowl up for auction bought it in 2007 and had it displayed in their living room for several years.  They only discovered it was valuable after becoming curious about its origins and having it examined. The bowl is five inches in diameter. The Song Dynasty was a ruling dynasty in China between 960 and 1279 – and was divided into two distinct periods: the Northern Song and Southern Song. Items made during the period are noted for their glazes and simplicity. Decoration is relatively rare – but where used can be incised, molded, impressed, or carved.

I am so fucking sick of this shit happening to other people. Every other day I see somebody else getting rich off some fucking bullshit. “Man finds $2 million baseball card collection in his attic.” “Woman inherits $3 million comic book collection.” “Man finds $100,000 in the back of a taxi.” When the fuck is this gonna happen to me? Huh? Where the fuck is my 2 million dollar Chinese bowl?

My only shot is my Magic: The Gathering cards. There was a hoax going around Reddit today that someone stumbled upon $25,000 worth of Magic cards and it got my hopes up and my dick hard. Is my Black Lotus worth like 8 million bucks yet? Can I sell my Dual Lands for a few thousand? If not I’m just gonna start taking all my furniture and all my dishes and everything I own to auctions. Just start appraising all my shit in the hopes that some Chinese idiot made it 5,000 years ago and its worth like half a mil. Otherwise I will literally just toil away on this website until I’m dead.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Jersey Teenager Suing His School Because They Didn’t Stop Him From Getting Bullied In 4th Grade

NJ.comA teenager who was allegedly subjected to years of bullying is now suing the Hunterdon Central Board of Education and Flemington-Raritan Board of Education. The suit, filed in late February in Superior Court in Flemington by attorney Brian Cige, claims the now-teenager was bullied not only by other children but by some school employees as well, from fourth grade onward. The boy and his parents — as well as the students who did the bullying — are identified only by initials in the suit, which makes the following claims: The bullying started in the fourth grade and continued into high school. The years of alleged taunting, name calling and derogatory comments took its toll — as the young man eventually developed serious and debilitating health issues. He missed significant periods of school for hospitalization, according to the suit. Although the direct bullying has subsided, the suit claims the high school district is now doing very little to accommodate his disability.The reasons for the boy being targeted changed over the years. He was first picked on because of his physique, then later because of his hair, and then his perceived sexual orientation. He was subject to name calling, “pantsing” (having his pants pulled down to expose his underwear), being poked and having kick balls hurled at him until he was doubled over in pain, the suit said. Later, the boy was subjected to cyber bullying via Facebook, the suit said. Now a teenager, the victim still suffers from the fallout of the “hostile” environment he was subjected to at school. Now, according to the suit, teachers have allegedly forced him to do assignments that are unduly stressful in light of his condition. That includes making him take part in gym class in spite of his physical limitations. He was then given bad grades as punishment, the suit said.

Get a load of fucking Stephen Glansberg here with his retroactive lawsuit. Trying to cash in on getting pants’d and noogied and blasted in the face with dodge balls for the past ten years. Had to eat lunch alone and always failed gym class so now he’s gone full retard or something. Don’t blame the school that you were a fat gay kid in 4th grade. You know how the world works? If you’re fat and getting blasted in the face with dodge balls in gym class, lose weight so you’re not a slow piece of shit and don’t get hit in the face with balls anymore. If everyone thinks you’re gay do everything you gotta do to get a hand job. Go up to the hottest chick on the playground and tell her you wanna fuck. Get detention for a little bit of harassment and get rid of the gay rumors. Next time you get pants jump around and make your dick helicopter and pretend you don’t give a fuck. Start bullying the bullies. Thats the beautiful thing about being in like 4th grade – nobody is actually a loser yet. Its not set in stone. You got a relatively clean slate – you can change your image if you want. But if you spend the next 10 years crying and getting fatter and weirder, well then you actually did become a loser and its too late. All you can do is complain and try to sue the school.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Barstool Blackout Smokeshow of the Day – Tanya

Introducing Tanya from Rider. Just about 2 weeks until Fckin FOAM in Trenton goes down. Today we debuted the Fckin Foam video from Massachusetts. I’m expecting big things from girls like Tanya and all the other Jersey Smokes and Stoolies to make sure we rep NY and NJ on the Blackout Tour. Watch this video and start getting your game face ready for Friday April 5th. I wanna make sure Massachusetts knows who they’re dealing with

Trenton FOAM – April 5th - TICKETS ON SALE HERE 

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Latest Federal Government Study On Lesbians – $2.7 Million To Find Out Why They Are All Drunks

(CNSNews.com) – The National Institutes of Health (NIH) has awarded $2.7 million to study why lesbians are at a higher “risk for hazardous drinking.” The University of Illinois has received grants since 2009 for its project, ”Cumulative Stress and Hazardous Drinking in a Community of Adult Lesbians,” which aims to develop “culturally sensitive” strategies to prevent lesbians from being drunks. “Studies using both probability and nonprobability samples provide ample evidence of lesbians’ vulnerability to hazardous drinking,” the grant’s description reads. “However, very little is known about the factors that increase lesbians’ risk for hazardous drinking.” “We propose to build on and extend our study of sexual identity and drinking… to model effects of cumulative stress on hazardous drinking among lesbians.” The researchers theorize that lesbians report higher rates of traumatic events, making them more likely to engage in hazardous drinking, which has been defined by NIH’s National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism as “more than 7 drinks per week or more than 3 drinks per occasion for women.” Furthermore, the problem may be worse for “lesbians of color,” the researchers say.

I honestly feel like going back to my blog detailing the reasons why lesbians are fat  and replacing the word “fat” with “drunk.” Its the same exact situation. I’ll boil down my last blog into a quick couple sentences in case you missed it: Lesbians are fat because fat women are shunned by men. They have to turn to the pussy. They stay fat because they have low standards and will fuck anything that doesn’t have a penis. They find a dickless dyke who’s just as bitter about not being loved by men and they stay fat together. No incentive to get skinny.

But now that we understand what makes the lesbian the lesbian, we must ask – why do the lesbians get shitfaced? According to the Cumulative Stress and Hazardous Drinking in a Community of Adult Lesbians Project, lezbos just love getting bombed and they can’t figure it out. Well lets see, scientists. They are fat, rejected women with low self esteem condemned to an entire lifetime of eating pussy. That right there is a fate that would drive anyone into the arms of alcoholism. They need to drink to ease that pain. And of course its worse for “lesbians of color.” The most difficult thing in the world is to be a gay black female. You’ve got discrimination comin at you from every way you turn. Bottom line, at the end of the day, any time you ask “Why do lesbians…” anything, you can follow the root of the issue all the way back to the same catalyst each and every time – they were rejected by the dick. Every girl is inherently born with the need to have a boyfriend and when that crashes and burns they become fat drunks.

If you’re keeping track at home I’ve just done about $4 million of work for the government in about 20 minutes.

By KFC posted March 20th, 2013 at 10:50 AM
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