Daily Mail- Grieving relatives worried that their loved ones will not attract enough mourners at their funeral can now bump up the numbers by hiring ‘professional sobbers’. A growing number of people are hiring out their services at £45 for a two-hour ceremony – and as well as attending the funeral they will weep and talk to friends of the deceased. The trend started in areas such as the Middle East and China, but the rise of multiculturalism has made it increasingly popular in the UK. Fake mourners, known as moirologists, are trained actors who specialise in the skill of appearing grief-stricken at public events. Before the funeral services, they are briefed about the life of the deceased so they can talk to other mourners as if they had genuinely known him or her.
I think about my death a lot. Probably because its coming sooner rather than later. I think about f Pres would write a nice eulogy about me. If the commenters would pay their respects. I’d hope I’d get a big parade and a funeral at St. Patrick’s with an American flag draped over my casket. Thousands, maybe millions of people mourning my death. Paying their respects to the guy who helped them pass the time every day as they suffered in the Cubes.
The reality of the matter is I just emailed the Rent-A-Mourner link to my mother. Start saving up Ma! 50 bucks a pop. And unless you want me to look like a total fucking loser, I’m gonna need at least a hundred of those motherfuckers. See what I’m hoping for is like a Vincent Van Gogh or Heath Ledger effect. I wanna be one of those posthumous artists who’s recognized as a genius after his death. I want my blogs to be bundled and sold off like 2pac albums selling after he died. That ain’t gonna happen if its just my mom and dad at my funeral. I need at least triple digits, preferably 4, at my funeral sobbing their dicks off. I’m not talking about some sniffles and a single tear trickling down their cheeks. I wants people sobbing like North Koreans when Kim Jong Il died. Preferably some smokes.
PS – I think this could be a solid gig for me on the side. Its like getting paid 50 bucks a pop to crash funerals like Chazz Reinhold. That ain’t bad as a second job.
Huff Po – Move over Shroud of Turin, there’s a new theological tarp in town. What looks like a paint-stained cloth to some is nothing less than the glorious image of Jesus Christ to others. A Massachusetts man says that when he recently looked at a drop cloth he’s used for years for house-painting he found the image of the Christian messiah exiting a tomb staring back at him, WCVB reported. “It’s not something that was intentional. It’s totally wild,” Brian Krantz of Saugus, according to Wicked Local Saugus. “It leaves me speechless.” Krantz, 38, is a former altar boy from the Irish Catholic stronghold of South Boston. Earlier this month, he unfurled the cloth to prevent any mess during another job when he came face-to-face with the godly image, WHDH reported. The Christlike figure is 4 1/2 feet tall and 3 feet wide. The sacred sight was so staggering that Krantz and his buddy decided to take an early lunch, he told Wicked Local Saugus. “I can’t deny this,” Krantz said. “This is what it is. It looks like Jesus Christ.”
We are getting really really generous with the “Jesus’ face found in…” stories. The media absolutely fucking loves these stories. “Jesus’ Face Found In Burnt Toast.” “Jesus’ Face Found In Spaghetti Stains.” Any given day you can find these stories on the internet. The thing is, they used to actually look like him:
That pan and that bread and that crab look like Jesus fucking Christ. This Masshole and his drop cloth over here have gotta be kidding me. Where the fuck is Jesus? I see two eyes. And a chin. That makes you Jesus?? I see fucking Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Kmarko said he saw the old Winter Warlock from Santa Clause is Coming To Town
Have some respect for yourselves, for Jesus, and the pizza he may or may not be appearing in. Unless there’s a clear face, beard and hair of Jesus, just eat your toast or clean your window or throw out your drop cloth.
Out of all the incompetent organizations in New York City, Time Warner is by FAR the worst. If you took the incompetence of the Mets, Jets and the MTA, combined all three, and then doubled that, you’d be halfway to Time Warner’s incompetence. Anyone who watches KFC Radio notices my connection cuts out virtually every single week. My DVR works like 50% of the time. I’ll press rewind or pause or something and I just get a little circle with a slash through it “stop sign.” Just like Time Warner causally being like “For sure not.” Without fail every time I order a movie, it stops in the first 10 minutes and tells me its unavailable. And when you call them up, the pass you around from retard to retard who asks you “Have you reset your box?” Then they tell you that they are sending some magical signal to your box. Then it obviously doesn’t work and you need to schedule a technician to come to your apartment and the next available appointment is about 6 weeks from now.
So the answer to these guys question – what can Time Warner do worse? – is fucking nothing. They are doing everything as bad as humanly possible for a cable company. I promise you the sole thing that will one day make me leave Manhattan is to get away from the clutches of Time Warner’s monopoly.
Daily Mail - A Chinese mother has bought a $6.5 million (£4.3 million) flat in Manhattan for her toddler. The woman told the New York based real estate agency that she wants the flat for when her daughter leaves home for college. Kevin Brown, a senior vice president at Sotheby’s International who specialises in selling the city’s prestigious property, said the unnamed woman had snapped up the flat, CCTV reported. ’We were running around the city looking at things and I finally said: ‘Well why are you buying?” Mr Brown said to the Chinese state broadcaster. ’And she said, well, her daughter was going to go to Columbia, or NYU or maybe Harvard and so she needed to be in the centre of the city and that was why she was picking this one particular apartment. So I said: ‘Oh, how old is your daughter?’ and she said: ‘Well she’s two’. And I was just shocked.’ The apartment is in the One57 tower, a 90-floor glass skyscraper overlooking Central Park. Situated on 157 West 57th street the tower will become the tallest residential building in the city when it is finished next year.
How pissed would you be if you were homeless on the streets and you pick up the paper and you see some Chinese bitch is buying a 6 million dollar apartment and shes just gonna let it sit there for the next 15 years? I’d probably just shoot myself in my homeless face. I’m gonna track down this rich idiot and ask her to sublet. I’ll pay her 1500 bucks a month for that shit. Better than nothing. She can turn me into some sort of Chinese slave if she wants. Turn the tables – I’ll sell bootleg DVDs and fake hand bags for her. Just let me live in your daughter’s million dollar dorm room while she’s still shitting in her diapers.
NYDN – City Council Speaker Christine Quinn responded to recent reports about her temper on Wednesday, saying that she won’t apologize for being “a pushy broad.” “I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I’ve been able to get things done for New York,” she said during an appearance on CNN adding, “Sometimes you have to push hard.” “I’ve always said I’m a pushy broad and I’ve always said I want to get thing done,” she added on MSNBC. The mayoral candidate was responding to a New York Times report that characterized her as volatile and hot tempered — even repeatedly threatening “to slice off the private parts of those who cross her.” Quinn told CNN some claims were exaggerated, like one that her office was soundproofed so outsiders couldn’t hear her tirades. “I’m loud when I’m not yelling, so we didn’t soundproof because of that,” Quinn said, explaining that high ceilings outside her office created an echo chamber effect. But she added that her job isn’t “to make people smile.” “I’m an aggressive woman who gets things done and that’s the way it is,” she said. “I’ve never been embarrassed about the fact that I am pushy.”
Oh please Lord. Please please please let this be Bloomberg’s replacement. If this Seaward takes over as mayor I’ll have an infinite amount of blog material. Some pitbull bitch running around New York City threatening to chop people’s dicks off. From a whiny billionaire Jew to a wicked, spiteful, loud bitch. People will be begging for Bloomberg and his Demolition Man rules to come back. Because if this broad becomes mayor I could see her first ban being on dick and balls. The only cock allowed in New York City is hers. Every other cock 6 inches and larger are banned.
Daily Mail- A mother has spoken of her shock after giving birth to a baby who weighed a staggering 15lb and 7oz. George King was starved of oxygen for ten minutes and was given just a ten per cent chance of survival after his shoulders got stuck during delivery. However, six weeks later George, the biggest baby every born in Gloucestershire, has been allowed to go home with his parents Jade Packer, 21, and Ryan King, 21. George, from the Reddings, Cheltenham, was almost twice the weight of an average baby when he was born naturally at Gloucestershire Royal Hospital on February 11 following a 16 hour labour. Now, at the age of six-weeks-old, he is already 2ft 2in tall and having to wear baby clothes suitable for a six-month-old. Ms Packer told the BBC: ‘His shoulders got stuck and that is when everything kicked off. ‘There were about 20 doctors in the room and that is when it got really scary. ‘My mum was there at the birth and she was quite scared and shocked as well. Ms Packer, who is 5ft 7in tall, says it has put her off having any more children in case they are equally gigantic.
Is it a boy or a girl???
Actually its a fucking middle aged man! Incredibly overweight and he might already be wearing a toupee. Jiminy fuckin cricket! Look at this little fucker. This dude could sign up to host the Family Feud right now and nobody would even bat an eyelash. He just already looks like the sort of fat fuck that would host that show. That picture of him sleeping looks like my fat Uncle passed out at Thanksgiving. Can you imagine having to deal with this porker shitting his diapers? That would honestly be like if you had to change your father’s diapers. Having full human size loads of poop filling up his Huggies. Disgusting. Makes me think – if I were to pick between having 3 normal sized triplets or one baby thats the size of three, I gotta go with the triplets. No way I could deal with having to raise a fat middle aged man-baby.
PS – Hey Ms. Packer I hope you’re familiar with kegel exercises! You’re gonna need to find some Cross Fit regiment for your pussy if you want that thing back to normal. Gonna be a 42 inch widescreen underneath the hood after passing King George through there.
PPS – Kim Kardashian’s kid is gonna be like 6’3 250 coming out of the womb.
Shanghai – And now we have some rather startling news from Xinhua.net: one young upstart in Jilin province, Li Meng, has spent the entirety of the last six years locked away in one of these nerd-infested dungeons, only hitting the pause button to grab a bite to eat, and (have mercy) shower. “Not long ago, a professor of psychology at Jilin University, Professor Ding, informed us there was a young man who had been playing internet games for as long as six years with out any communication with the outside world.” But the professor obviously caught the young gamer as he finally got to the Boss stage on Level 12: “No matter what was said, he refused to communicate with anyone else. I consulted the café owner, who simply explained that having been there for so long, they barely noticed his presence, and found him to be straightforward and of little annoyance.” Part of the furniture basically, or the epitome of a wallflower. We’ve all indulged in a little Mario Kart or Madden after a night out – but six years of continuous button bashing surely means a top score that is going to take some beating. If your mental image of this young man is a bespectacled beanpole with no friends, stinking of cigarettes, sweat and instant noodles, you would be…exactly right. In fact, Xinhua takes the stereotype one step further: “The bespectacled youth clearly hadn’t been to a hairdresser for a long time”. But how does this marathon gamer support his habit? In fact, his habit supports him. Xinhua sheds some light on his finances: “As he talked to our reporter, his gaze was locked to the computer screen, the plastic bag containing his dinner open by his side. He has a monthly income of RMB2,000, of which 500 is paid as a fee to the café every month.”
We’re so inclined to look at a kid like this and call him a loser. Say he’s some nerd gamer who’s never been laid and think of him as pathetic. Thats just how we were raised. I remember beating the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time and celebrating like I just won the World Series. Like chicks were gonna come knocking on my door like “I heard you beat the water temple, can I suck your dick???” But then I realized I lived in America and if I was ever gonna lose my virginity I need to get outside and play sports so that girls would be impressed by me.
But this story right here is in China. Asians. Everything is backwards over there. If you’re a stud athlete, you get shipped off to some internment camp where they train you to be a fucking male gymnast for the next 15 years. Your life fucking sucks. If you’re the techy nerd, you’re like the most popular dude in town. Playing at one internet cafe for 18 hours a day for 6 straight years is like the equivalent of being the all-state quarterback or something. I bet chicks watch this kid play video games and their panties are an ocean. If he retired from the gaming game right now I bet he could have 6 straight years of weird Asian orgies. In the land of the Chinese, the foul smelling gamer is king.
NYDN- Razor blade giant Gilette has hired Kate Upton to shave men into shape. The 20-year-old blond beauty is one of the company’s sexy spokeswomen urging men to shave, and if they want a chance with Upton – just a facial trim won’t cut it. ”I wouldn’t date a guy who had grooming problems,” said Upton. Upton shoots down the double standards about women needing to be hairless – She insists it’s “very important” for men to be spotless “down there.” “It says a lot about a man, their confidence, and how they like the way they look,” she adds in another promo. “And how they, you know, keep up with themselves.”
Alright Kate here’s the deal – you lose some lbs and fix your gum line. I’ll shave my balls and my back. Then we can get together and have skinny, hairless, gumless sex and we’ll put our past behind us.
I get emails about manscaping all the time. Half the emails are like “You’re a faggot if you trim!” and the other half are dudes who take it way to far and talking about taking a Bic to their ballsack. Now maybe this is just because I’d be a Sasquatch if I didn’t take care of my body hair, but I think you gotta be one huge fucking mess of a man if you let your shit grow wild. I wish I was one of those dudes that didn’t have to worry about it but if I don’t manscape I’d look like a Geico cave man. From the back of my neck down to my junk I’d be an Abominable Snowman. But that doesn’t mean I’m lathering up from head to toe and shaving myself down so I look like some sort of inside out cat. I just take an electric clipper and make sure I keep myself in check. Doesn’t make you gay if you manscape. Doesn’t make you any more manly if you don’t. I just think guys who wanna get head from girls like Kate Upton realize they gotta take care of the jungle.
Man, do I love the Flyers. No other team seems to inspire the Rangers like Philly does. It’s always a game they get up for, and so last night’s scheduled tilt was well timed for the struggling Blueshirts. Oh if only the East’s worst offense could play against Bryzgalov every night, what a different team they’d be. But even though Bryz’s game is shakier than Michael J. Fox in a Sharper Image chair, New York’s five goal outburst was mostly due to reuniting the Nash-Stepan-Hagelin line. Why they were ever broken up in the first place is beyond me, but one game back together yielded seven points from the trio so maybe they should keep that unit together no matter how shitty Marian Gaborik looks. Good to see Kreider get a goal on one hell of a passing play by he, Richards and Del Zotto. Kid’s looked a lot better since escaping the craphole that is Hartford for hopefully the last time. Sprinkle in a power play goal from Brad Richards of all people and you have a score sheet that would make any Rangers fan weak in the knees. Huge two points as we leg out these finals laps looking over our shoulders at the oncoming Tavares Train.
But again, they have to duplicate the result when they travel to Ottawa on Thursday. It’s been an underwhelming run so far, but this was always going to be a season that one hot streak could completely change. Turn it on at the right time and you never know what can happen. Mediocrity through thirty one doesn’t mean the Rangers can’t string together a hot final month and ride that confidence wave into the playoffs. But have they given us any reason to believe that’s possible? Any semblance of consistency that might inspire hope in the more naive fans? Nope. They’re shit on the road and their offense is anemic. The power play sucks and our defense is bulimia thin. Penguin food in the first round, IF they’re lucky. And to think that we could miss out on the post-season because of the freaking Islanders of all teams. Thank god Clancy’s jumping on that bandwagon. Master Mush will be the only guy to blame when Tavares breaks his arm on April 13th. @PhilOsgood
KFC Editor’s Note: The KFC Mush works in reverse in hockey. Everyone knows that. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Isles make the playoffs and Tavares take home the Hart Trophy or whatever the fuck the MVP is called in the NHL.
NYDN – “We want to beat them, let’s be quite frank about it,” Carmelo Anthony said after the Knicks’ 100-85 victory. “We always want to beat Boston. New York in anything wants to beat Boston. And when we do it, it’s a good feeling.” Smith, Anthony’s friend and teammate, led all scorers with 32 points on 13-for-24 shooting. Smith showed aggressiveness in attacking the basket. In fact, he had more offensive rebounds (four) than three-point attempts (3).
There’s only one thing thats stopping the Knicks from winning 34 straight games:
There’s only 13 games left.
Looks like they’ll just have to take this 5 game winning streak, rattle off the next 13, and take an 18 game streak into the playoffs. 2 weeks ago the Knicks were in full blown free fall mode on their disastrous West Coast trip. Now Carmelo’s healthy again and they’re rolling. JR Smith was Dr. Jekyll last nite – 32 points with only three 3pt attempts. Carmelo didn’t shoot well but dropped 30 and led the team in rebounding. It was like an NBA Jam show last night. 2 man show just abusing Boston in the paint and barreling towards the hoop possession after possession. I know the Knicks have pretty much committed to living and dying by the 3, but when you see a game like last nite, and you see that no teams in the East (other than Chicago if Noah is healthy) has big time inside presence, you see that this team can have just as much, if not more, success attacking the hoop.
Good to know that that if we end up with a 2-7 Knicks-Celtics first round matchup, the Knicks can go into Boston and mop the floor with whats leftover from that franchise.
Reintroducing Kelly from Marist and Taylor from Rutgers. Right now I’m pushing two shows – a Blackout in Marist on 4/20 and Fckin Foam in Trenton next Friday on April 5th. I’m struggling here because I don’t know where I should tell people to go. On the one hand Trenton is one of our biggest shows – a couple thousand people getting lost in the Foam. On the other hand Marist is always one of our best shows. Like top 5 craziest every time we go there. So I figured I’d let you decide. Take a look at Kelly and Taylor, weigh your options and figure it out for yourself.
The two latest lines of t shirts we’ve printed up are the ultimate throwbacks to every Stoolies childhood. Nintendo stars from Punch Out! and WWF superstars from the 80s and 90s. If you’re a normal, red blooded American man who grew up in those decades, these two things were like the main staples of your life. My life solely consisted of video games, wrestling, and riding my bike. Eventually trying to get my first hand job crept up in there but for the most part it was games like Punch Out and WWF.
So that begs the question – which gear best represents you? I think as much as I loved the WWF, I was more of a video games guy growing up. So I’m taking the Punch Out shirts/tanks. And to be more specific, the Pink King Hippo shirt. That white X taped over his belly button is one of the most iconic things in Nintendo history.
I’ll let you guys hash it out. I know its not really a “one or the other” sort of thing but: