Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Rockville Centre Trayvon Martin Themed Birthday Party Seems Like A Fun Time

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Mediate – Oh, Craigslist. You are so helpful for finding last-minute tickets, used vinyl records, and perfectly good furniture. You’re also good for reminding us that ridiculous people exist. In this case, specifically, people who enjoy watching actors role-play the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin altercation at a birthday party on Long Island. “HI MY FRIENDS AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY THIS WEEKEND AND WE ARE LOOKING TO HIRE TWO ACTORS TO COME IN AND ROLE PLAY THE TREVYON MARTIN/GEORGE ZIMMERMAN ALTERCATION,” the spelling-error-laden advertisement reads screams in all-caps. The ad doesn’t specify whether the actors should be lookalikes or just people of similar complexion, but, “ONE PERSON WOULD BE SMALLER AND THE OTHER A BIT BIGGER. ITS A JOKE AND WOULD ONLY GO FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. EMAIL ME IF YOU’RE INTERESTED AND I’LL GIVE YOU SOME MORE IDEAS.” THE PARTY ITSELF IS A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE IN THEIR 30′S. EVERYONE IS COMPLETELY PROFESSIONAL. YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY FACEBOOK PAGE AND OTHERS IF YOU LIKE. ITS GOING TO BE IN THE BACKYARD OF A VERY NICE HOME IN ROCKVILLE CENTRE, LONG ISLAND. 35 MINUTES BY TRAIN FROM PENN STATION

Oh Rockville Contre. Never change!

Its hard to come up with birthday party ideas when you get older. Like when I was a kid we just went to a place like Sport Time USA or Grand Slam USA. Arcade games and batting cages and air hockey and all that shit. It was a fucking blast. But eventually that shit doesn’t cut it anymore. Pinatas and birthday cake and pizza slices cut in half to those tiny little slivers aren’t putting asses in the seats for adult birthdays. Whats a 30 year old supposed to do at his birthday to make sure his guests enjoy himself? Sure booze and drugs are a solid start, but whats the real entertainment for the night?

Hows about a little murder/manslaughter reenactment! Thats whats hot in the streets these days. Forget about live music or hiring dancers. Just cut right to the controversial murder reenactments. Nothing screams Happy Birthday like someone mimicing a dead black kid with a fat Mexican-White guy partying the rest of the night away. Maybe for your Labor Day party you can hire some Aaron Hernandez lookalikes. Some execution dramatizations should be a hit too.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 2:50 PM

How Many Times Will You See Your Parents Before They Die?

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SeeYourFolks.com

Just a fun little game I stumbled upon during my internet travels today. How many times are you gonna see your parents before they’re fucking dead?

I ran two scenarios. One being generous saying I see my parents every other week. One being more realistic saying I go home once a month.

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And we came back with:

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S0 being realistic here, I’m probably only gonna see my parents about 400 more times before they’re dead. That doesn’t seem like a lot at all, but thats what I’m sticking with. Because if I’m being perfectly honest, the once a month figure is probably more realistic, and only getting to see my parents 264 more times is pretty fucking depressing.

So I hope we take some pictures next time I’m home, mom! Because we only got a few hundred more times together before you guys kick the bucket.

PS – At least I don’t live in Honduras. We’d barely crack 200 more times.

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By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Anthony Weiner’s Dick Resurfaces, His Alias When Sexting Online Was Carlos Danger

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Business InsiderNew York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner confirmed the authenticity of new lewd, sexually charged online chats and photos that were posted by a nightlife website over the past day. Nightlife site “The Dirty” posted images and conversations that allegedly came from Weiner to a 22-year-old woman under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” “I said that other texts and photos were likely to come out, and today they have,” Weiner said in a statement released by his campaign Tuesday afternoon.

Charlie Danger! What a fucking nickname. To be perfectly honest Tony Weiner is probably the best online predator alias I can think of but if thats actually your real name and you need a pseudonym for  safety purposes, Carlos Danger is very, very hard to beat. Its got it all. Obviously has danger. It has mystery. It has Latin intrigue. Its perfect. I mean lets be honest if you’re a 22 year old chick would you rather imagine you’re sexting with a middle aged Jew politician? Or Carlos Danger the Latin King of Cock? Its a no brainer. It automatically challenges Mike Vick’s Ron Mexico. It will 100% be incorporated into fantasy sports team names. Chuck Danger. Top 5 Alias ever.

And I don’t know shit about Anthony Weiner’s politics. And its a little suspect that he keeps consistently getting caught creeping on chicks and sending pictures of his cock all over. But goddam it the dude is dedicated to the game. Carlos Danger is straight up addicted to making chicks wet via various internet interaction. 1-900-hustler shit.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 3:48 PM

Japanese Companies Advertising On The Thighs Of Chicks Dressed Like School Girls

NY PostSurrounded by flashing lights and giant billboards it is easy to understand why consumers in Tokyo have tuned out ads, but one ad agency is selling ad space in an area men will always pay attention to — women’s thighs. ”It’s an absolutely perfect place to put an advertisement as it’s what guys are eager to look at and girls are OK to expose,” Hidenori Atsumi, the CEO of advertising agency WIT, told the Guardian. In order to be a walking billboard participants must be 18-years-old and have at least 20 friends on social media networks. While there isn’t a strict dress code, WIT suggests that participants wear short skirts and high socks in order to highlight the ad. So far more than 3,000 women have signed up to sell their skin.

Hey whats the goal of advertising? Get the most eyeballs possible, right? There is no place that gets more Japanese male eyeballs than up the skirt of an Asian school girl. That is like the Super Bowl advertising slot of Japan. Should cost like 2 million dollars to have a sticker on one of those girls’ thighs. I’m surprised Coke and Pepsi and Go Daddy hasn’t started upskirt advertising over in Tokyo.

And I ain’t mad at ya, Japan. As a guy who often tries to convince advertisers to not worry about how we get the people’s attention, just focus on the fact that they we do, I am all for this shit. I’d tell you to push the envelope even further and advertise right on their pussy if need be, but your flyer would just end up all pixelated and nobody could read it.

And thus concludes my daily blog about Japanese creepiness and pixelated genitals.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Just How Famous Is The Royal Baby? The Internet Is Speculating Whether Or Not He’ll Be Circumcised

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IB TImes – While many are debating what Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby will be called, others are wondering whether or not (if it’s a boy) he will be circumcised. The will they won’t they debate was raised by Jennifer Lipman, comment editor of London’s Jewish Chronicle, who made note of the former royal tradition. Queen Victoria believed she was a descendent of King David, and sanctioned circumcision. From then on, all male royalty were given the snip, starting with King Edward VII. Lipman wrote: “With no word yet on whether the royal infant will be a boy or a girl, it’s perhaps too premature to engage in a “will-they-won’t-they” debate over whether they will choose to circumcise their offspring, as was once a royal tradition.” Prince Charles was circumcised by a mohel – a rabbi who specialises in circumcision – who was chosen over the royal physician.  Rabbi Jacob Snowman performed the procedure at Buckingham Palace in 1948, five days after the Prince’s christening. However, the Duke of Cambridge and Prince Harry were not circumcised because Diana said so, breaking the tradition that dates back to the 1840s. It had been rumoured that Prince William was circumcised later, but photos emerged in 2008 suggesting otherwise.

Imagine being one day old and the entire world is already fixated on your dick? Thats how fucking famous Royal Baby is. (Sidenote – thats officially his name to me. I’m just calling him Royal Baby. No fucking chance I call this kid “George” or something lame like that.) Your dick has the internet trending before you even left the hospital. That, is fucking fame right there.

How about this rumor that Prince Charles had the boys circumcised after Diana died? Talk about a rough time in your childhood. Your mom dies and then your dad makes you get the tip of your dick chopped off at the age of like 15? That would be absolutely the most traumatic, barbaric thing ever. “Welp kids, your mother’s dead, time to take the top down on your hooded dragon!” There’s no chance that happened. So if Papa Prince has pig in a blanket, the question is, does Kate want her son growing up a freak with a stinky dick or a normal, clean King? Foreskin is probably the most unroyal thing I’ve ever heard.

Clean that kids dick up and lets keep this Royal Baby process moving.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Bill Clinton Sings Blurred Lines

What rhymes with “fuck you with a cigar and cum all over your dress?”

They should just film a real version of this video with Slick Willie and have naked chicks with their pussies hanging out dancing up on him. Its probably more believable than Robin Thicke or Pharrel getting that treatment.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 12:47 PM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Kaitlyn

 

Introducing Kaitlyn from Paramus, NJ.  Ring the alarm! I might just stop the fight for this week from the smokes lately and give some breathing room because it’s going to be hard to follow Kaitlyn here.

 

Know any smokeshows? email a name and facebook link to beardobarstool@gmail.com  I need to re-up lets see what you got.

 

By beardo posted July 23rd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Chick Suing NYPD After Police Officer Seized Her Phone And Forwarded All Of Her Naked Pics To Himself

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NYDN - A Long Island beauty says NYPD cops seized her iPhone and that one of them stole sexually explicit photos and videos meant for her boyfriend’s eyes only. Pamela, 27, of Deer Park, is poised to sue the city and the Police Department, accusing a cop of invading her privacy by forwarding the provocative images from her iPhone. The steamy images of her were sent to a personal cell phone that her lawyer said belongs to Officer Sean Christian. “It makes me sick,” she told the Daily News. “I don’t even want to think about what he’s done with them.”  Pamela’s nightmarish ordeal unfolded the night of Feb. 6 when five cops in a police van pulled over her Sentra in Ridgewood because it had no inspection sticker. The cops found prescription drugs in the car, so the officers, including Christian, hauled her and her pal to the stationhouse. When cops began grilling her about her whereabouts that night, She told them she was visiting a friend and had text messages to prove it. She gave one officer the security code to open her phone and pointed out the messages. Then police left the room, with the phone, while she was processed on misdemeanor drug charges.  “I knew they had my phone and I was bugging out,” she told The News. “I had a bad feeling.” She was held nearly three more hours at the stationhouse before her phone was returned and she was given a desk appearance ticket. She said Christian followed her to her car. “He was telling me I’m a beautiful girl and I need to stop hanging out with the wrong people,” she recalled.  She left and later pulled over to check her phone. “I saw this number and all the pictures and videos attached to it,” she said. She counted 20 nude photos and five sexy videos of her that had been forwarded to the phone number

Pam Cakes! I think I like your style girl. Riding around town with some happy pills, 20 naked pictures and videos at the ready to sext whoever at the drop of a hat. You got a little bit of a goldfish look to your face but overall I can work with what you’re puttin out there. Lets pop some painkillers and get down with some mutual masturbation to your private picture collection. Thoughts? Overall I got nothin bad to say about Pam. She seems like the kinda girl that likes to party.

Officer Christian on the other hand – bro what are you doing? How easy would it have been for you to delete those sent messages? Use your goddam head dude. First rule of creepin, man. Don’t leave a trail. You’re making us all look bad with that sort of sloppy work. Following a girl to her car and telling her shes beautiful and needs to stop hangin out with the wrong people mere seconds after stealing her private porn is cocky and I commend that sort of confidence, but you need to execute better.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Tip Your Cap To The New York Post

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Listen, sometimes the Post is the most despicable, pathetic, low life publication on the planet.

And sometimes the Post is the most despicable, pathetic, low life, awesome publication on the planet. Credit where credit is due, this is one of those moments.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 8:59 PM

Yanks Closing In On Soriano

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ARLINGTONIn dire need of a bat with thump and an indication the Yankees may believe that Alex Rodriguez isn’t going to play this season, the toothless Bombers are close to acquiring Alfonso Soriano from the Cubs, The Post has learned. According to a person familiar with the talks, the Cubs will pay the bulk of what is left on Soriano’s contract. He makes $18 million this year and the same for next season.

Nothing official yet but apparently this is very close to being done. Isn’t that some circle of life shit right there? Just as ARod may be on his way out, Soriano is coming back in, all in Texas. This is some rare stuff right here people. It is not everyday that you get to replace an overpaid 38 year old with a hip problem with a 37 year old (questionable) with knee problems. That is the rare air that the Yankees get to fly in.

If this goes through it looks like Soriano in LF until Granderson is back and then Hafner may be DFA because he can’t hit his way out of a wet paper bag. As a lifelong Yankee fan I can’t say I am surprised. This is a win first team and I am a win first fan. Missing the playoffs is unacceptable in the Bronx, and Soriano can help this team make a push for the postseason. He instantly becomes the only other power bat alongside Cano.  But you just gotta hope it doesn’t stunt Almonte’s growth.

@BarstoolJJ

By jj posted July 23rd, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Who Hacked His Roommate With A Machete For Changing The Radio Station?

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Huff PoIf you assault your roommate because he changed the radio station, eventually you’ll have to face the music. Police say Josue Rodriguez, 40, attacked his roommate with a machete because the roommate changed the radio station, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reported. Rodriguez was allegedly taking a shower in his Lake Worth home when he heard the radio station change. When he confronted his roommate, the man gave him a push. In response, cops say, Rodriguez grabbed a nearby machete and began whacking at his roommate, hitting him in the cheek. The roommate managed to get away and called 911. In the police cruiser, police say Rodriguez told them “I only had the machete because I was going to sleep in the woods for the night.”

Well anyone who keeps up with Barstool New York knows where I’m going on this one. Anytime you’re a grown man above the age of like 40 living with a roommate who’s not a chick, there is inevitably gonna be a run in involving some heavy violence. It could be the dude who killed his roommate for cooking the pork chops wrong. It could be the guy who stabbed his roommate for stinky feet.  It could be the guy who chopped up his roommate and put him in the freezer because he wouldn’t shut up.  The list goes on and on. Bottom line is when you find yourself 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old and you’re living with a platonic roommate, its because you’re a social misfit and a failure at life. You’re probably mentally unstable to some degree. So normal clashes that roommates at the age of 24 become big time violent affairs because 2 old dudes are so miserable with their terrible lives they’re just itching to hack someone with a machete.

This situation here is a toss up. On the one hand you can understand where Josue’s roommate thought it was fair game to change the radio. Josue was in the shower. There’s a chance he wasn’t even paying attention. On the other side though, you ever put your iPhone on when you’re showering to listen to some tunes and it shuffles to some awful fucking song? And your shower is ruined for the next 3 or 4 minutes because you’re too wet to get out and change the song so you just gotta sit there and endure a shitty song? Maybe thats what happened here. Maybe he was ready for a nice shower with great music and his roommate put on some shitty station and ruined his shower. Again, probably not worth hacking someone with a machete but I can see where thats gotta be annoying.

PS – “I was just going to sleep in the woods” is the best machete excuse of all time.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Scientists Say Human Happiness Peaks At Age 23, And Then Again At 69

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Outside OnlineBlame your high expectations. According to a study from the Centre for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics to be published this week, life satisfaction peaks at 23 and 69, dipping dramatically in your 50s as life’s myriad disappointments kick in. After surveying 23,161 Germans, ages 17 to 85, researchers discovered that people in their early 20s overestimate their future happiness by 10 percent. After that, disillusionment causes a bottoming-out at around age 55. By age 68, the average person underestimates their future happiness by 4.5 percent, reducing the disappointment they face. “People in their fifties could learn from the elderly, who generally feel less regret,” researcher Hannes Schwandt told the Daily Mail. “They should try not to be frustrated by their unmet expectations because they are probably not feeling much worse than their peers,” Schwandt said.

Well I think this all depends on where you went to college and what you do after college. If you went to an SEC college and partied your face off and watched championship football teams win titles while you fucked tons of girls, 23 is probably a pretty fuckin miserable year. Reality smacks you hard in the face. Especially if you’re entering the Cube Monkey world. You got from a life of total freedom, limited responsibility, and free pussy, directly into a cage for minimum 50 hours a week, with bills, and chicks who aren’t total hookers all the time.

Personally I’d say 24-26 was the best for someone like me. I went to boring ass Fordham which was great as far as getting a job and meeting good people but certainly not that Van Wilder college experience you dream up. So once I was in Manhattan with money in the bank and I had figured out the way to play the corporate monkey game and work the system to the fullest, life was a blast. Didn’t hurt that it was right around when I started to work for the largest empire of smut on the internet. Anyway, my point is, I think 23 is like a year or 2 early in my mind, but I think the 24-26 years can be better than the college years you’re always taught are “the best years of your life.”

69 has gotta be fucking legit though. Assuming that the economy isn’t gonna be miserable forever and thats right around the time you’re retiring. Retiring has gotta be one of the single greatest feelings a human can experience. You just declare to world in one swift motion “I no longer give a fuck.” You’ve got like 10-12, maybe 15 more years to just do absolutely nothing and enjoy every single second of it. And no, you wont get bored because you’ll remember how awful the last 40 years have been. Just pop viagra, maybe play with some grandkids, and perhaps experiment with some hard drugs because, fuck it, you’ll be dead soon anyway. What a great life that is.

So, I guess the moral of this blog is, if you’re like 23-25, cherish that shit. I wish I could grab your face and shake it Billy Madison style. Stay here, as longggg as you can. And if you’re like 27, you should cherish every day too. Not saying they’re spectacular, but every single day is going to be worse than the previous day for the next 40 years. So even though its pretty mediocre, every declining day is still the best its gonna be until you hit your late 60s and retire. Enjoy!

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Introducing The Vibrating Bicycle Seat

Bike Seat

Daily MailWe are always being told to incorporate more exercise into our daily routines – and cycling to work is an excellent way of doing so. And if you were reluctant to hit the pedals before, a new gizmo could provide all the incentive you need to get on your bike. A firm has launched the Happy Ride – a vibrating seat cover that will make journeys by bicycle that bit more exciting. The inconspicuous gadget slips over the seat of a bike and incorporates ‘vibration stimulation’ as you ride. Manufactured with a padded lining and black nylon fabric outer surface the cover, which houses a powerful vibrator, is designed to fit all seats. The gadget comes with an attached control pocket to raise or lower the vibration rate. The vibration can be turned on and off using the control pad which then tucks into a pocket in the seat cover allowing you to peddle away uninhibited. Launched by an adult toy retailer, the Happy Ride seat cover will certainly add a new dimension to riding a bike, though it does beg the question if the distraction of a vibrating seat might not be a little dangerous on a busy road.

Imagine a world where this was a good idea? Where you could bribe chicks to do stuff with anything sexual? Where it’s just as effective to grease broads for favors by flashing your mushroom tip from your b-ball shorts the same way they could by whipping a titty out of their tube top? That’d be nice. Instead, we’re dealing with the half of humanity who pass up on (the miraculous chance of) an orgasm because of a headache & have yet to realize they’d rule the world if they just sucked more dick. This isn’t gonna get pigs off the couch & in shape. Chicks couldn’t care less about pedaling a vibrator on wheels because getting their pussies worked just isn’t a motivator for them. Never has been & never will be. If “Happy Ride” got it right and somehow devised a bike that blew you, they’d have put the auto industry out of business. But their bean-bouncing banana seat is just a waste of time.

By 610 posted July 23rd, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Husband Leaves Divorce Note For Wife After Most Disrespectful Oreo Behavior I’ve Ever Heard Of

Oreos

Daily MailA woman who ate the cream filling from a box of Oreos, leaving the discarded chocolate cookies dry, has been humorously threatened with divorce by her outraged husband. Reddit user showtunesaboutbacon posted a photo of her guilty late-night snacking crime on the social networking site. She wrote: ‘Ate the cream from the oreo and put the cookies back in the bag – Woke up to find this note … I’m a monster [sic].’ Her husband, clearly fuming that there were no complete Oreos remaining, left a Post-It note on the packet that read: ‘I’m considering divorce.’ His brief missive left little doubt as to his feelings about his wife’s actions, and, while rooted in humor, sparked a strong response from the Reddit community, which largely believes that Oreo cookie and filling should not be parted. ‘OP is lucky that she found that note and not the actual divorce papers,’ one wrote. Another said: ‘Really dodged a bullet there.’ Some even had suggestions for revenge, with one Redditor suggesting that the husband try replacing the Oreo cream filling with toothpaste. ‘Takes two or three cookies to figure out exactly what is wrong,’ they said.

There’s only a couple things in this world that are worth going through the divorce process. Because most things fall under the “cheaper to keep her” umbrella. There’s only a few violations that are really worth going through the horrible and expensive process that is divorce. One is cheating. Just not worth sharing your paycheck and your house and your life with someone who’s fucking another person.

Eating all the goddam cream out of an entire bag of Oreos and putting the chocolate cookie skeletons back is absolutely next on that list. It is for sure a firable offense. The level of disrespect required to not only ruin an entire bag by only eating half of the sandwich cookies, but then put back the cookie shells which you dragged your teeth all over, is astounding. Its like eating all the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms and leaving the shitty oats in the box. Its even worse than that. Its leaving just the oats in the box and then also leaving one centimeter of milk in the carton in the fridge for the person trying to eat that bowl of cereal next.

Especially considering this bitch has a fucking belly full of Oreo cream. You couldn’t leave me like 5 cookies for my night time snack? You needed another few mouthfuls of straight sugar icing because the 2 pounds that was already in your stomach wasn’t enough? You selfish bitch. I’d rather find my wife fucking the gardener than pull a stunt like this with me.

By KFC posted July 23rd, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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