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The Awards For Best/Worst Christmas Desserts And Drinks

Unlike the annual Thanksgiving turkey, Christmas dinners vary from family to family.  Some people go with a traditional ham, turkey, or pasta, while others will do an extreme seven-course meal that could end hunger in Africa.  However, the desserts and drinks of Christmas are pretty much etched in stone.  So with less than a week until we gorge ourselves with an ungodly amount of food in the name of Jesus Christ, here are my awards for the best and worst Christmas desserts and drinks.

 

Best Holiday Themed Candy EVER: Candy Canes

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The originator, none greater.  Candy canes are the classiest holiday food in the world.  They are sophisticated enough to hang on your Christmas tree, but still are an A+ in the flavor department.  And just like a Reeses, there is no wrong way to eat a candy cane.

Once you are done devouring these Christmas miracles, you don’t have to brush your teeth for the rest of the day.  That’s an old Christmas trick.  The fatal flaw of these classics however is the packaging.  You have to either break the cane and get candy shrapnel everywhere or gnaw at it like some New York City rat.  But other than that, they are the perfect holiday candy.

 

Worst Bastardization Of A Holiday Tradition: Mini Candy Canes

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Is it possible to love regular sized candy canes and hate small candy canes at the same time?  You bet your sweet ass it is.  Mini candy canes are tacky as fuck.  If someone ever gives you a mini candy cane, it means that they gave all their regular sized candy canes to their real friends and secretly hope you die a painful death.

 

Worst Idea For A Candy: Sugar Plums

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We have all read ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas and wondered what the fuck a sugar plum was.  Well according to Wikipedia, they are a candy made of dried fruit (usually figs, prunes, or apricots).  Do I really need to go on?  No normal person eats any of those fruits unless the Hershey highway is backed up.

 

Best Commercial: Hershey Kisses

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Hershey Kisses are a Hall of Fame candy, everybody knows that.  However, the best thing they bring to the holiday season is the commercial below.  You know it is almost Christmas the first time you see this commercial, which gives me butterflies in my stomach every time it is played.

 

Best Mint And Chocolate Cookie Combo: Candy Cane Milano Cookies

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I never had Candy Cane Milanos until this week and they were off the charts good.  This is how you combine chocolate and mint.  Candy Cane Milanos come right into Thin Mints kitchen, punch him in the mouth, and make sweet love to his wife as he watches in a concussed state.  Was this award given out just so I could shit on Thin Mints again?  Yes.  Yes it was.

 

Best Poor Person’s Food: Little Debbie’s Christmas Tree Cakes

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I admit that Little Debbie’s is a poor person food because every snack they make maxes out at like $1.50 per box.  But their Christmas Tree Cakes are the bees knees.  Little Debbie’s sells basically the same cakes without the tree shape/colors during the year, but they are roughly 9000 times worse than the Christmas Tree Cakes.  I don’t know what type of Christmas magic or FDA-approved drugs Little Debbie’s uses to make these Christmas Tree Cakes so magical, but it works.

 

Best Hybrid Snack Dessert: Caramel Popcorn From The Three Flavor Popcorn Bin

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Is caramel corn a dessert or a snack is the original “chicken or the egg?” question.  I think it is a hybrid.  Before kettle corn blew up in the food game, caramel corn was a snack without any peers, similar to Babe Ruth’s stats in the 20s.  Don’t get me wrong, caramel corn is still the king.  But it has a ton of competition now.

Also, if we are ranking the flavors in the traditional popcorn tin, it has to be:

1. Caramel popcorn: Easily the best flavor in the container.  And as you can see in the picture above, it usually takes up the most real estate in the tin.  If you get a tin that isn’t loaded with caramel corn, you got played.

2. Cheddar popcorn: Cheese popcorn comes in a close 2nd, but something about the cheese makes the popcorn go stale very quick.

3. Butter popcorn: This has absolutely nothing to do with butter popcorn being plain.  Butter popcorn is tremendous.  But these popcorn companies focus so hard on pulling off the caramel and cheese flavors, they completely short the quality of the butter popcorn in these tins.  And it is a God damn tragedy.

 

Bushiest Beaver Award: Phyllis

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Oops, wrong awards.

 

Worst Christmas Flavor Being Pushed On Us: Gingerbread

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Gingerbread is basically a graham cracker with a terrible aftertaste.  Gingerbread houses are great in theory, but who wants to eat stale candy and icing along with shitty ass gingerbread?  And have you actually ever seen a good gingerbread house other than Big Cat’s?  Little kids just waste a ton of perfectly good icing and candy with poor architecture and an utter lack of imagination.  And now candy companies like Twix, M&Ms, and Peeps are coming out with special gingerbread flavored candy.  Gingerbread is to winter as pumpkin spice is to fall.  Which means it sucks and is overrated.

 

Worst Traditional Food Ever: Fruit Cake

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Take a long look at that picture.  Cake is supposed to remind you of happiness and sweetness, not your shit after eating a bunch of corn.  And have you ever had fruit cake?  It tastes like a God damn nightmare.  Fruit cake for dessert is reason 482,502,481 why it sucked being alive before the 1980s (which is when I feel fruit cake ruled the Christmas dessert table).

 

Best Holiday Drink (And Best Drink Of All-Time): Santa Coke

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Simply put, any bottle of Coca Cola that has Santa’s face on it is the best drink in the world.  Until proven otherwise, I am going to believe that the good people at Coca Cola load up every bottle of Santa Coke with extra sugar to celebrate the holiday season.  God Bless those diabetes slingin’ geniuses.

 

Best Drink (Little Kid’s Division): Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider

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Nothing, and I mean nothing made you feel more like a grown up despite sitting at the kid’s table more than Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider.  That bottle and label is fancier than 90% of the champagnes of the world.  Was it a little depressing when your recovering alcoholic uncle had to partake in the cider drinking?  Sure.  But being allowed to drink this magical beverage out of fancy champagne glasses made it all worth it.

 

Worst Holiday Drink: Egg Nog

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This is what I have to say about this tradition: Egg nog sucks.  If you like egg nog, you are just a flat out weirdo.  Who says “Man I’m thirsty.  I want to drink something that tastes like eggs and looks like jizz”.  No fucking thanks.

And don’t give me the whole “you can get wasted off of egg nog” excuse.  You know what else you can get wasted off of?  Any other liquid on the planet if you add liquor to it.  The only place I want to see eggs during Christmas is on toast slathered with bacon and cheese at the breakfast table.

 

Best Christmas Cookies: Peanut Butter Kisses Cookie

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Tollhouse cookies, pizelles, rugelach, and all the other types of Christmas cookies are playing for 2nd place when it comes to Christmas cookies.  The saltiness of the peanut butter and the sweetness of the chocolate are the most lethal combo since Charles Barkley and Thunder Dan Majerle in NBA Jam.

 

 

Worst Christmas Cookies: Italian Sesame Seed Cookies

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Sesame seed Italian bread is probably the best bread in the world.  But when you shrink the bread down to the size of a cookie, add a pinch of sugar, and try to call it a cookie, you have then created the shittiest cookie ever.  Italians are the kings of great food, but this cookie was a cocky idea that just went way too far.

 

Best Cookies Ever: White Fudge Oreos

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No joke, these are the best cookies ever created.  Other than Christmas presents and the unwritten rule allowing you to play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” for 25 days straight, White Fudge Oreos are the best part of the holiday season.

By theclemreport posted December 20th, 2014 at 3:00 PM

“I Dont Fuck With Christmas” by Fabolous Takes You Into The Weekend

Fuck Prancer! Fuck Vixen! Fuck Prancer! Fuck Vixen!

F-A, BO not in the holiday spirit I guess. I suppose if I was the most underrated rapper of all time I’d be pretty salty too. Cue the motherfuckin music and have a great weekend

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 5:00 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of The Most Aggressive GM In Baseball?

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In 24 hours the San Diego Padres acquired an entirely new baseball lineup. Kemp, Justin Upton, Wil Myers, Derek Norris, Will Middlebrooks, Brandow Morrow all in a day. They acquired an entirely new outfield with all 3 outfielders from last season still on the roster. Didn’t trade a single MLB arm and acquired their 2 through 7 hitters. Just incredible. Now, some of these moves are better than others. And at the end of the day they’re still the Padres, so nobody is handing them the World Series trophy yet, but goddam what a performance from AJ Preller. Just saying, fuck it, and going all in. I feel like he blacked out like Will Ferrell in Old School during the debate. Just knocked it out of the park and didnt even realize what happened.

I would give ANYTHING for this sort of aggressive behavior from the Mets. I cant even imagine have a young, hungry, CREATIVE, GM that has ownerships blessing and the balls to pull the trigger on big moves. Instead I’ve got Sandy Alderson sitting at home doing nothing because he has a self imposed moratorium on trades till January.  Just wants to take a few weeks off for the holidays in the middle of the most volatile baseball market in years, just because. I know the Wilpons are the root of the issue. I know Sandy is just their puppet to try to build a team while saving money. And I know Sandy has done a good job building a pitching staff and (hopefully) a competitive team all while having Wilpon handcuffs on. But fuck, it sucks when you see a 37 year old Long Island guy wheeling and dealing for a team like the fucking PADRES. Mets on the verge of something potentially awesome and just sitting on their hands watching the rest of the league pass them by. Ordinarily its just that the money isnt available to be spent but this is something different. This is Sandy Alderson getting left in the dust by young, aggressive guys who go out and make shit happen. Come up with trades and agreements and deals that werent even on the table until they conjured them up. Its like Sandy and the Wilpons just take a look at whatever free agents or trade candidates are on the surface and when that first layer of potential moves doesnt work, thats it. They’re done. They wont go deeper. Wont be proactive and dig around and find value elsewhere. Preller traded for 3 new outfielders without moving ONE of his current outfielders. Thats a guy just saying “I dont care, I’m making this team better right now.” Thats the sort of behavior you’re never gonna get out of the Wilpons and their puppet Sandy Alderson.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 4:10 PM

The CirKiz Child Raves In The Meatpacking Look Like A Blast

I’ve blogged about these ridiculous raves for kids before. The bougie Manhattan parents take their kids to a fucking club in the middle of the day rather than the park like normal humans do. Its nothing new. But boy do the CirKiz kids bring the heat. These guys are straight up party animals. This dude:

might get more hand jobs than anyone in the world. Except for this kid:

Dude’s a heartbreakin lady killer with a soft side and a crooning voice that would turn the most arid of panties into a wave pool. And this dude right here isn’t even worried about hand jobs:

Because he’s hanging out with 8th graders and has moved right on to blowies.

By the time these kids hit college they’re gonna know exactly what they’re doing. Its just gonna be molly and roofies and “RAQUELLL-AH” type threesome videos all the time.

And parents I hope you enjoy all your girls like this:

Because in a few years Paul Gaz Sales Guy is gonna get his hands on them and turn them into this:

PS – This is my favorite girl of all:

Go Pro on the Legends of the Hidden Temple helmet just loving life so happy she’s gonna get to relive this Saturday afternoon forever.

PPS – This girl’s father better watch out

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 3:20 PM

KFC Radio Live 100th Episode Is Saturday, January 10th At Saloon

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We’re closing in on our 100th episode of KFC Radio. A milestone for any sort of TV show or podcast or entertainment program. Just over 2 years of churning out those shows week in and week out. People hating every step of the way. Anybody with a sense of humor jumping on board week after week. Voicemails and questions and debates from the Stoolies, me, Big Cat and Feitelberg providing some of the funniest Barstool material for the past couple years. If you think about it, Big Cat’s entire Barstool career has been on camera with the KFC Radio gang. Jay Cutler, Kacie McDonnell, Neil, Patty Portnoy, Barstool Commenters, a few live calls – there’s been a lot of people involved in the show over the past couple seasons. So its only right we do it up big, pat ourselves on the back, and throw a fuckin great party.

Saturday, January 10th we’re going to do a live taping of our 100th episode at Saloon. Meaning we’ll just set up shop and record our episode in front of a live audience. Big Cat is flying in from Chicago, Feits is coming down from Boston, and we’ll all be in the same room for an episode for the first time ever. We’ll have the normal voicemails but we’ll also be doing crowd interaction and what not. If you wanna ask a question or write down a question, we’ll take your submissions right there on the spot.

This is gonna be a day drinking affair to ensure its the biggest shitshow possible. That Saturday is the Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs. So we’re gonna do our show starting at like 2:30 and we’ll go right until 4pm kick off, then spend the rest of the day at the bar watching games and getting bombed. The stars aligned for this one, folks. Its gonna be a day you dont want to miss. So mark it down on your calendars and gear up for a big old shitshow with me Feits and Big Cat.

What: KFC Radio 100th Episode Live Show

When: Saturday, January 10th 2pm

Where: Saloon. 84th and York

Drink specials coming soon, I’ll keep you updated.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

Reader Email – “You Threw Up On My Dick”

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KFC,

Check out this text exchange from my buddies great night in NYC yesterday…priceless

Ham

I respect the SHIT out of Rachel’s spin game here. Thats how you turn a negative into a positive. Dude calls you out for vomiting on his penis? Tell him its because its so big it gagged you. Thats like advance PR shit. Graduate School of Damage Control. To be honest thats probably not even a negative for most dudes. I mean its not ideal and kinda messy but if you got a chick willing to give it her all to the point that she pukes thats probably a girl you’re going to call again. Even if she is saved in your phone as Rachel Puke Dick.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 1:54 PM

Pat Robertson Coming In Hot Saying Gays Are Gonna Go Extinct Because They Cant Reproduce

Here’s the thing. I can’t really tell you why Pat Robertson is wrong here. Very similar to Curt Schilling saying evolution is wrong. I know in my head that neither of them are right. But if you’re gonna ask me to articulate an argument against this, I’m probably not gonna be able to do it.

I mean here are the facts we know – Gays cant get pregnant by having butt sex together. Here’s some info that we can’t call a fact, but the gays seem to really stand by this – being homosexual is something you’re born with.  Now if all the gays spend the rest of time butt fucking and not getting pregnant, it would stand to reason that not too many gay babies are being born. Sure, 2 straight parents can have a gay kid. But I’d imagine thats like 2 full size parents having a midget baby. Its possible, but pretty unlikely. Gotta have gay genes to make gay kids right? So if eventually all the current gay people die out and we’re just relying on straight people to make the gays, well it seems pretty reasonable that they’re gonna go extinct. Just like the dodo or the sabertooth tiger. No meteor necessary. Just simple science here. Gays are in trouble.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

GTA Best Of The Best, Season 4 Week 6 Voting Now Open!

Champion Morgan Hultgren

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VS.

Challenger Julia Gilas

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We’re getting closer, I think. Julia Gilas has an ass that can at least get in the ring with Morgan. The vote every week is a massacre. Last week was (1,176 votes, average: 3.40 out of 10). So I’m just hoping Julia can get closer to that elusive 5.5 mark. Lets see.

Vote 1 for Champ Morgan Vote 10 for Challenger Julia Gilas

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (874 votes, average: 4.54 out of 10)
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By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 12:50 PM
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