With Brady vs. Manning Part 500 coming up on Sunday, I figured now was a great time to publish my NFL QB rankings. I ranked each quarterback based on this season and I then compared each of them to an old-school Nintendo character. If the millions of Brady and Manning highlights you see this week don’t make you nostalgic, reminiscing about some NES characters will. Here is part 1 of the rankings, dealing with the AFC. The NFC rankings will go up tomorrow.
1. Peyton Manning = Mario. The face of the industry. There have been many challengers to the throne, but there is only one true GOAT.
2. Andrew Luck = Bill From Contra. Runs, shoots, and fucking dominates. If you don’t love Contra or Andrew Luck, you are a Grade-A asshole. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start for life. *Update: I fixed the code and will now commit seppuku for the lack of honor I have brought my family.
3. Tom Brady = Link. At one point, both were thought of as potentially the 1A to Mario/Peyton’s 1B. But it’s hard to make that case anymore. And while we are in New England, Belichick is definitely the old dude that gives Link his sword. Brady and Link would have been done a long time ago if it wasn’t for that old man.
4. Phillip Rivers = Duck Hunt Dog. These guys have been involved in a ton of shootouts and are easily the most hated people on this list. Just seeing their faces makes my blood pressure skyrocket. And you are a saint if you never tried to shoot the dog as he was laughing at you.
5. Ben Roethlisberger = Donkey Kong. A couple of pretty famous names that have been on top of their respective industries, but are never listed in the Top 3. I also wouldn’t leave a girl alone with either of these big bastards.
6. Joe Flacco = Donkey Kong Jr. Flacco is Roethlisberger Lite, Big Ben Jr, or whatever else you’d like to call him. And just like Donkey Kong Jr, Flacco isn’t really exciting at all.
7. Alex Smith = Birdo. Both have had a much longer shelf life than anyone could have imagined. Smith is still leading his team to big Ws and Birdo has made her way into Mario Kart and other popular games of today. But still, there is a definite ceiling for both of them.
8. Ryan Tannehill = Thomas from Kung Fu. Two people that are kind of overrated in my opinion, but each of them have chicks that are worth fighting a million guys over.
9. Andy Dalton = The Boy from A Boy And His Blob. Andy Dalton and The Boy don’t have to do much. They just feed the people around them and watch everyone else go HAM while doing the dirty work.
10. Brian Hoyer/Johnny Manziel = Chip and Dale. Hoyer (Chip) is the level-headed veteran that is trying to do it the old-fashioned way. Manziel (Dale) is the party animal that everyone wants unleashed. Chip gets you into the playoff race, Dale gets you into the Playboy Mansion.
11. EJ Manuel/Kyle Orton = Normal And Fat Ice Hockey Players. When you are picking your team in Ice Hockey, you initially want to go with the normal player (Manuel) because he seems like the most stable and rewarding option. But once you realize the fat guy (Orton) is the baddest mofo on the team, you play even better and have a much better chance of winning games.
12. Ryan Fitzpatrick = Sir Arthur from Ghosts and Goblins. Fitzpatrick and Sir Arthur look similar and run around like a bunch of crazed assholes. But having your team win a Super Bowl with Fitzpatrick as their quarterback is like beating Ghosts and Goblins (which is basically impossible).
13. Derek Carr = Duck Hunt Duck. Raiders QBs are the Duck Hunt Ducks of the NFL. They are sent out to certain doom, are promptly destroyed, and someone else fills their shoes immediately afterwards.
14. Blake Bortles = Ryan from River City Ransom. I admittedly don’t know much about Blake Bortles or River City Ransom. But I have been told that they are/should be good. And everyone in the world apparently wants to bang their girlfriends. Was this entire comparison a stretch just to get a picture of Lindsey Duke in this blog? Yup.
15. Jake Locker = Dr. Mario. The only person who spends more time in the operating room than Dr. Mario is Jake Locker. Tons of hype around both of these guys with little results (AKA I haaaaaaate Dr. Mario). I also had no interest in doing this exercise for Charlie Whitehurst or Zach Mettenberger.
16. Geno Smith/Michael Vick = Bebop and Rocksteady. A couple of silly SOBs that should be much more of a force than they really are. Instead, they epically fuck up and embarrass everyone around them. While we are talking about the Jets, Idzik is clearly Krang and Rex is the giant robot that Krang controls/destroys.
Who did I get wrong on this list? Who should be on the NFC list? Tweet #NESQB with your responses.