Daily Mail- A landlady was within her rights when she evicted a man for persistently using a squeaky swing as a sex prop in his apartment, a German court has ruled. The man, who was not identified, used the ‘very old’ chain swing late at night during 2012. A court in Munich heard that people living nearby were kept up until the early hours by the man using the sex toy. Neighbours reported hearing ‘sexual, athletic and squeaking noises’ coming from his apartment and made several complaints. The court noted that the man had a deal with his landlord to be quiet between 10pm and 7am, meaning he was in breach of the tenancy agreement. Upholding the landlady’s decision, the court said the swing’s late night use ‘would no longer correspond to normal rental use, and must therefore not be tolerated as socially acceptable’.
Ohhhhhhhkay bud. Everybody can stop looking. Stop right now. End the searches and call off the dogs. We’ve found the biggest humble brag of the century and maybe in the history of human civilization. What an asshole this guy is. Can’t follow a simple ordinance from his land lady that says he has to be quiet between the hours of 10pm and 7am. Why can’t he? He loves coming home from the bars and listing to hip hop music? His dog won’t stop having nightmares and barking at invisible mail men? Nope, he simply can’t stop having sex in the middle of the night on his super squeaky sex swing. ”I’m really really sorry guys. I would be quiet but girls won’t stop having sex with me in the middle of the night in my awesome sex swing. What do you want me to? I’ll do anything. Ya know, except stop having sex on my sex swing in the middle of night. Man is that thing noisy!” And the humble bragging won’t stop there. Since the guy got evicted he’ll get to use that as the answer whenever somebody asks him why he got evicted. Oh you know, pretty standard stuff, I couldn’t stop plowing chicks and I refused to buy a can of WD-40. Big time asshole (and I’m totes jelly).
Daily Mail- A jeering crowd in China urged a hostage-taker to kill himself after he let his victim go and held knives up to his own throat instead. Gong Tseng, 30, had been holding his cousin Cui Meng, 29, hostage at knifepoint after a family dispute broke out in the city Chongqing, in southern China. Police managed to persuade Tseng to release Meng after a two-hour standoff, but when he turned the knives on himself the crowd lost patience. One spectator shouted: ‘Come on, we’re fed up with waiting,’ while another added: ‘Get on with it, we don’t have all day.’ Tseng eventually dropped the knife and was arrested for taking a hostage and causing GBH.
Chinese people are RUTHLESS. Obviously suicide is always a sensitive topic (especially right now) but I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh out loud when I read these people were yelling things like “Get on with it already!” and “We don’t have all day!” to a guy who had double knifes pressed up against his throat ready to shove off into the unknown abyss. I don’t give a shit if laughing is the wrong reaction to that. That’s a type of ruthlessness I can get behind and will always support. People so swamped in their day-to-day life activites that if a causal suicide in front of a KFC will speed it up, so be it. I should probably mention that this guy had taken his cousin hostage and put a knife to his throat before all of this so the crowd was already mad at him. But still. Something about a crowd getting fed up with a dude who is threatening to kill himself right in front of them and the crowd reacting with “Fucking do it already! I’ve got things to do today. I delivered too many papers to sit here and watch you pretend to threaten to kill yourself.” is hilarious. If that makes me an insensitive asshole then so be it. He didn’t end up doing it anyway so there’s that too.
Metro- As the name suggests JetSmarter is an app for jets. Private jets. Like Uber – the app for normal people who like to get drunk, can’t face the night bus and who’d rather get a taxi home – JetSmarter allows super-rich folk to book a private jet quickly and easily at really short notice. According to the JetSmarter website, the app ‘democratises the private jet market by decreasing the entry price for consumers’. Sounds good right? Until you realise that in this case ‘cheaper’ means, for instance, $70,000 (£42,000) to fly from New York to Paris. But there may be some good news on the way. According to an interview with JetSmarter’s founder and CEO, 26-year-old Sergey Petrossov, in The Daily Beast, the company eventually wants to launch their take on Uber’s split-face service, which really could open up private air travel to more of us normal folk. Until then, let’s all marvel at the fact Ryanair now actually allocate you a seat. Simple pleasures.
I mean, why not? As if being super duper rich wasn’t awesome enough why not have a service that allows you to order up a private jet whenever you need one? The life of a rich person isn’t all that different from the life of a normal person with normal money. The transportation is just a little different. When you or I get drunk at a bar that’s not within walking distance of our house what do we do? We call a cab or use uber. It’s simple, convenient, within our price range and it’s smarter than hopping behind the wheel. What does a rich person do when they get drunk in a town/city/country/continent that’s not close to their house? They dial up JetSmarter and get a ride home to their giant mansion. The execution is exactly the same, it’s just the means by which you get from one place to another change. Oh and then there’s the part where we have to spend days upon weeks upon months upon years slaving away at a mindless mind numbing job to the point of eventual suicidal thoughts and the Jet People don’t have to do shit because they have Jet Money and life if perfect for them. That’s another little difference. But other than that, we’re the same as rich people.
PS- People might ask” Some business model. There won’t be enough people using that app to make it viable and successful.” Wrong again. All they need is like 3 customers to use their app and that’s enough for a good fiscal year. Get three drunk billionaires that want to fly from New York to Paris and that’s $210,000 in revenue right there. It’s the perfect business model.
“Trick shot” might be a stretch. ”Getting drunk and wanting to blow something up” might be more accurate. Be more redneck than the guys in that video, you can’t. Dressed head to toe in camouflage, talking like rednecks talk and doing something stupid like lighting a golf ball on fire (and probably dousing the club in gasoline) and let’s see what happens! BOOM! Fireball and the one guy catches on fire. This might sound weird but do you ever wish you were a redneck? The obvious answer is no but some times I wish I was. The greatest thing rednecks have going for them is they don’t they’re rednecks. They’re completely oblivious to the fact that the way they do things is fucking insane. Think about it. All you do is drink and do stupid shit and it’s totally acceptable because people long ago agreed that rednecks can do whatever they want as long as we get to laugh from the outside looking in. I guarantee these guys creating a giant fire ball was just a regular Friday night. What do you wanna do tonight? ”I wanna hit a flaming golf ball and see what the fuck happens” is a great answer. Don’t get me wrong, I like my civilized life here in Iowa but there’s a good chance I’d swap it out in a heart beat to become a give-no-fucks redneck.
Metro- A woman has spent 15 years and £130,000 on surgery to make her look like a holiday caricature – even having her nipples tattooed as hearts. Krystina Butel, 30, began her extreme transformation after having a caricature of herself drawn while on holiday in Ibiza when she was 15. ‘When I saw the picture for the first time, I was jealous of it,’ she said told the Sun. ‘The cartoon woman was glamorous – she was everything I wanted to be.’ Krystina, from Wakefield, Yorkshire, spent the fortune on a host of cosmetic surgeries, including Botox, semi-permanent make-up and five boob jobs increasing her from a 32D to a 36K. The drawing even inspired her to reshape her nipples into two hearts with the help of a local tattoo artist. The salon owner says her looks often bring her negative attention, with people pointing and laughing at her in the street. However, her fiancée David Scriven is completely supportive of her.
To see the very NSFW heart-shaped nipples, click here.
Honest opinion? I don’t hate it. I really don’t. I don’t hate that chick’s heart-shaped nipples one bit. Spreading the gospel of love around with those heart-shaped nipples sitting atop her 36K boobs. Kinda cool. ELE. Everybody love everybody. One of those things where if you were about to have sex with Krystina, she’d whip off her bra and you’d go “Hey, that’s interesting and a tad mesmerizing.” They won’t blow your mind or anything. Just a nice little touch that you’ll likely forget about two seconds later. It could be worse. They could be swastikas. If nothing else, you got laid and now you have a go-to sex story to tell your buddies. It’s gonna be hard for anyone to top the time you went heels to Jesus with a chick who had heart-shaped nipples. The creepy part of the story though is this chick seeing a caricature of herself and saying, “Yep I want to look like that. EXACTLY like that and I plan to spend the next 15 tears and hundreds of thousands of dollars to look just like it.” That’s beyond odd. A caricature, by definition, is something that takes a couple of your features and completely blows them out of proportion so you look like a goddamn idiot. It even says in the article that people stare and point and laugh at her on the street. Yeah, no shit lady. You look completely ridiculous. Whenever people point and laugh at her Botox-filled face she should immediately flash them. The conversation will then switch from “That chick is gross” to “Did she have heart-shaped nipples?” ELE.
But again, I’d like to state that I’m on board with heart-shaped nipples.
Legend. An absolute legend. Artie Lange. Everybody else goes on Fallon or Letterman or Conan to promote a shitty movie or TV show they made and to make awkward small talk with the host. What does Artie Lange do? He tells a wildly inappropriate story about the time he banged two strippers in Vegas, took a bunch of pills that made him paranoid and how he stopped them from stealing any of his stuff by forcing them to clap non-stop while he went took a dump. Artie continues to be one of the funniest and best story tellers on the planet. Add this to the list of stories that proves if you’re rich and famous you can get anything you want. A non-funny version of a guy who looks exactly like Artie Lange doesn’t get handed $5,000 in chips, a luxury suite and two hot strippers to fuck. He just doesn’t. He buys a few lottery tickets at the gas station on the corner and goes home to his trailer to jerk off. I also love that Artie wears the same thing whether he’s going to a shit hole diner in New Jersey or if he’s going on the Tonight Show. No difference at all in his wardrobe choice. He’s the same guy all the time. It’s awesome. By the way, you could tell me Artie’s gonna be dead tomorrow and I’d believe you.
And then of course there’s this. Which might be the single greatest moment in television history.
PS- Dirty Work is one of the most underrated movies of all time.
Introducing Maria from CW Post. Everything this girl is doing is just right. Absolute smokestack to close out the week.
Know any smokes? Email a name and Facebook link to email@example.com to nominate
Law360 – The Law Offices of Finnegan & Diba was sued in California court on Monday by a former office manager who claims she was the subject of racist and sexist jokes and was on the receiving end of a bite from the firm’s managing partner. Plaintiff Passion Miller, a former legal secretary and office manager at Finnegan & Diba, alleged that the firm’s managing partner Kasey Diba physically intimidated and bit her and that his brother Roddy Diba, the firm’s marketing director, often made lewd jokes and remarks of a racial and sexual nature toward her. As examples of the verbal abuse she allegedly endured, Miller cited examples of Roddy Diba calling her a “bitch,” asking her if she wanted a “dirty Sanchez” and telling her to “eat a bowl of dicks,” according to the complaint. Also, Roddy Diba — who was also, at times, general manager of the office — often leered at Miller as well as other female employees and clients, and asked Miller to “model” for him, the suit alleged. Additionally, Kasey Diba regularly screamed at Miller and the firm’s other female employees. In Miller’s case, he would throw books at her and, on one occasion, bit her, the suit said.
I can’t think of anything more disrespectful than asking someone if they “want” a Dirty Sanchez. Thats almost worse than actually giving someone a Dirty Sanchez. Just such a slap in the face to be like “Hey do you want me to stick my finger in your ass and then smear your poop across your upper lip?” The bowl of dicks and the biting and the book throwing can all be dealt with. But tossing a rhetorical “do you want a Dirty Sanchez?” is where I’d draw the line too.
At the same time though if you’re a chick you gotta see the silver lining here and take it as a compliment. This is just like the adult version of picking on the girl you have a crush on during recess. A little bite here and there is a sign that you’re sexy. Guys don’t bite fat chicks like that. They don’t want to give Dirty Sanchez’s to ugly girls. They might throw books at fat girls, but thats a different story. Bottom line is a guy telling you to eat a bowl of dicks biting you and talking about putting his finger in your butt probably has a pretty major crush on you. Not saying that you have to like that or reciprocate but I’m just saying its a pretty big compliment actually.