Barstool Sports

Introducing Emily from Southern Connecticut State U.  Welcome to the big time, Emily.  This girl is about as pretty as a girl can get.  Plus I can never get enough of a girl who can pull off their teams gear and make it so sexy.

Boston gets 20-30 smoke nominations a day.  We get 0-2.  And 90% of the time it’s some girl from Idaho who goes to school in Arizona.  That doesn’t help.  LOCAL smoke of the day.  Does Boston have hotter chicks? I’m starting to think they do.  Email names and facebook links to beardobarstool@gmail.com.  Let’s go fellas.

NY Post – Moveover, Malibu — Barbie’s hunting for a dream house in Manhattan! Barbie is moving from her California mansion and embarking on a quest for new digs that could land her in a posh penthouse with Central Park views, makers of the doll say. Toymaker Mattel has hired a team of top-notch interior designers to create three “dream houses” — in New York, California and India — and will announce its choice in August. The Big Apple pad is a luxe pied-à-terre catering to a workingwoman, said its designer, Celerie Kemble. “Barbie is a strong, independent woman. She belongs in New York!” Kemble said. “Manhattan is the best of the best for Barbie.”  A rendering of the home features big windows overlooking Central Park and a spacious living room. “She’ll entertain in style with the power players of New York,” Kemble said. “It’s a place for her to meet with great minds.”  She added the pad is “more sophisticated” than Barbie’s three-story, 8,500-square-foot beachside Malibu home. Earlier this year, the doll’s marketing team created a story about Barbie’s big move from her famous pink palace. In the tale, Barbie packs up boxes — mostly full of shoes! — and puts up a for-sale sign on the house, for which she’s asking $25 million. Other finalist designs include a colorful California cabana designed by Trina Turk and a bungalow-style home in India by Lulu deKwiatkowski.  Barbie’s VP of marketing, Lori Pantel, said the story reflects the doll’s evolution as an independent woman. “As a workingwoman with over 135 careers, Barbie is proud to have a Manhattan home,” Pantel said. “It’s a glamorous work space to host movers and shakers.”

First of all, lets cut the shit with this idea that Barbie is moving to fucking India. Yea, the smokeshow blonde with 135 careers and $25 million is gonna move to Hyderabad. COME ON! I hate to be rude here but Barbie wouldn’t last one day in India without being raped. And last time I checked that is an instant killer to your brand. Plain and simple Barbie ain’t living in a fucking bungalow in a third world country with Untouchables and people shitting in the streets.

The only natural choice for Barbie to continue to grow her image is to come to Manhattan. She’s already conquered Malibu. That West Coast, So Cal, laid back living can only take you so far. Time for Barbie to go corporate in NYC. Become some power bitch in a pants suit who makes her male assistants eat her box on command. Just dominate the working world. Discriminate against fat women and minorities. Become a pretty harsh alcoholic with an addiction to Prozac to calm her down when she goes home. She sleeps around and fucks all the big dogs in the industry but still holds all the cards. Never loses power.

Goddam. Thats one sexy fucking Barbie, no? Like Barbie riding a fucking donkey in a Sari can compete with the picture I just painted. For sure not.

Curbed – Whether they’re “misunderstood icons” or “a rustic, turn of the century nod to convenience and practicality,” no one can deny that water towers are ubiquitous in New York City. Perched atop virtually every rooftop, they’re a necessity that provide water for both residences and fire departments, taking advantage of gravity to funnel water into buildings’ upper stories. But thanks to the innovative, totally ballsy folks over at Night Heron Speakeasy, Atlantic Cities reports, one (unused) aboverground cavern in a Chelsea building under construction temporarily found a new lease on life: as an illicit, invite-only watering hole. The exact location was discreet; space were limited; stair-climbing was required and thus heels were discouraged. Because of the off-limits nature of water towers, patrons were de facto trespassers. This was the latest initiative from an intrepid urban explorer-cum-entrepreneur who loves to make new use of abandoned places and is also involved with the Wanderlust Projects, which took people on a behind-the-scenes tour of Williamsburg’s Domino factory earlier this year. Building the space took three months; it operated for six weeks this spring. Let’s allemail the speakeasy to try and get them to restart the project in a new location; in the meantime, work up a thirst (and some serious envy for those folks who got to go) with some photos of this top-secret circular bar with stellar skyline views.

Listen if there’s one thing I hate, its giving people a hard time for the way they drink. Like when I tell people I just drink Bud Light or whatever standard bottled beer there is, and micro brew craft beer tough guys tell me I’m pathetic, it drives me insane. You wanna drink weird flavored beers for their hops and their barley and whatever, go for it. Why do you feel the need to crusade against Bud Light when I tell you I don’t like that shit? You wanna get drunk off of wine or girly liquor? Enjoy. I fuck with that stuff all the time now that I’m getting old and hungover. You wanna drink bottles at the club? Thats cool too. I like wings and beer but if you like bottles and cocktails on a rooftop somewhere, I am not gonna knock it. At the end of the day we’re all just trying to get drunk and get laid anyway, so who really cares how you get there?

But that being said, you are a fucking asshole if you’re climbing the rooftops of NYC buildings to drink inside of water towers. Climbing ladders and walking through decrepit hallways and shafts all so that you can drink inside of a giant barrel. What a bunch of hipster dickheads. Hey idiots! You know why they needed speakeasies? Because of fucking prohibition! The reason they were in shitty hidden hole in the wall bars is because they couldn’t be in a normal fucking bar. You think they thought it was “cool” or “rustic?” Fuck no.They thought it was hidden from police and if they didn’t have to do it, they would be in a normal bar. Bottom line is nobody in their right mind wants to drink inside a giant wooden barrel on a roof unless they are explicitly trying to be different or unique. And that is one scenario where I can most certainly criticize someone for the way they drink.

Pres posted this on Friday afternoon so I know a lot of people saw it but I feel like a lot might have missed it on a Friday afternoon. The reason I’m reposting it is twofold – 1) Despite the fact that you’re all borderline retarded people, the commenters actually provided some solid feed back that we took into consideration. We’re gonna look into doing it in a bar, looking into guests, girls, new segments etc etc. So any more suggestions or feedback is welcome again here. 2) Lot of people are assuming this is just the end of KFC Radio. That Pres shut down my show and cuckolded me and shit. Not the case. Me and Pres have been talking about this for months. As it took time to materialize I started to recap blogs on KFC Radio and started interviewing guests and what not just to keep it growing. But I’m more than happy to transfer that idea over to this Barstool TV format. There’s no denying the fact that having us in the same room with multiple cameras is 100,000,000 times better than talking over each other on Google Hangouts.

So the way I see it is this – the Bro Show is gonna be the new Stool project to try to blow this site up into the mainstream. Get bigger guests and create content that appeals to a more general audience. That means recapping the viral stories and viral videos that people from all over the internet are gonna wanna watch. Not just Stoolies. Thats the thing about KFC Radio and Pres’ original videos he makes up in Boston – if you don’t know us, you don’t care about those episodes or videos. Hopefully Barstool TV will change that. Hopefully we can appeal to a much broader audience.

Meanwhile, KFC Radio lives on as a show for the diehard Stoolies. We’ll continue with your voicemails and all sorts of deranged questions about putting your kids in the microwave and fighting midgets and all the other wacky stuff we’ve talked about over the last year. Think of it like Bro Show being the higher quality TV show you like, while KFC Radio is the weird ass shit you’ll watch late on premium cable where absolutely anything goes. The thing is, when voicemail quality was slacking, I tried to fill in the gaps with blog recaps. So you guys need to make sure voicemail quality stays as high as it did back a few months ago since I wont be doing that anymore. If you’re a KFC Radio fan and want it to continue on, call the hotline and help keep it going:

646-80-STOOL (646-807-8665)

Or tweet @KFCRadio with content for our next show. But the key to it lasting while I travel back and forth from Boston every week now is making sure you guys give me enough to work with.

TSG – Meet Taylor Powers. The college student, 21, had to be rescued yesterday afternoon off a Colorado mountain after she ingested mushrooms, stripped off her clothes, and scuffled with two classmates with whom she had been hiking. After receiving a 911 call that a female hiker was “high on mushrooms and in distress,” Boulder County Sheriff’s Office deputies and other assorted rescue personnel (35 in total) responded to Chautauqua Park. Powers was located by a park ranger who discovered that the University of Colorado undergrad had “removed all of her clothing and was being restrained” by two male companions. Rescuers had to handcuff the unruly Powers, who struggled as she was placed in a rescue basket. Cited for unlawful consumption of a controlled substance, Powers was transported to a Boulder hospital, where she was treated and released last night.

These two “male companions” might be the luckiest son of a bitches on the planet. Listen, I get the plan fellas. A couple bros bribing a smoke like Taylor Powers with some psychedelics to come on a mountain hike & get Eiffel Towered is a kick-ass Sunday. But as soon as this chick started losing her shit, I’d have hightailed it off a cliff. Why they stuck around is a mystery to me. Two dudes pinning a naked college chick to the ground against her will is not a good look when the authorities arrive. I’m not taking that chance. I don’t need to be part of a misunderstanding. My motives in bringing this smoke into the mountains are obvious. Finger cuff city. And hot sluts don’t pay for their drugs, so it’s obvious where they came from & why she’s tripping balls. I’d rather just stuff my face with the rest of the shrooms, wander off & leave her to get eaten by a mountain lion than pin her down by her bare titties and rely on the old “it’s not what you think” routine.

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Oldest woman of the world – Luo Meizhen, Chinese woman , 127 year old, still alive! twitter.com/Earth_Pics/sta…

— Earth Pics (@Earth_Pics) May 19, 2013

Now you never know with these “World’s Oldest” people. Who fucking knows how old they really are. When you’re up over 100 you can’t remember if you have a pants full of shit or not, let alone remember your birthday. So I think Guinness has Misao Okawa as the World’s Oldest Woman. Remember her? She was the one with the serious dick sucking lips. But Lou Meizhen is challenging the throne at 127 years old and she looks exactly like the Ticket Oak.

I bet you Luo Meizhen, Ticket Oak, and Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple had threesomes back in the 1890s.

h/t Gene Mazzoni 

I will be back next season along with my big brother @therealjrsmith … Will be a blessing to wear my Knicks uniform.. Prep for 2014 is now

— Chris Smith (@3_ChrisSmith) May 19, 2013

NY Post - The J.R. Smith/Chris Smith package deal is shaping up. The Post has learned point guard Chris Smith, J.R. Smith’s brother who injured his knee during Knicks training camp, has fired his agent, Marc Cornstein, and will hire J.R.’s rep, CAA superagent Leon Rose, who also handles Carmelo Anthony. J.R. Smith is expected to opt out of his contract and re-sign with the Knicks in a four-year deal starting at about $5 million because the Knicks own his early-Bird rights rules. The Knicks could be outbid for J.R. Smith by an under-the-cap team, though it’s unlikely considering his playoff flop. But having Chris Smith as part of the package has convinced the Sixth Man of the Year he wants to stay. After the Game 6 loss Saturday, the embattled Smith said “I want to retire a Knick.’’

Oh. Good. Not only do we get 4 more years of JR Smith, but we get his brother too! Its a 2 for 1 package with the Smith brothers! What a steal! We get one mediocre, streaky, off the court liability AND his scrub brother who is undoubtedly a bad influence for just 20 million bucks.

Truth be told, JR Smith at 5 mil a year is not a bad buy. I’d prefer something more like 2 years though. When he’s hot he’s worth plenty more than that annual salary. When he’s cold and being an absolute asshole off the court, hes one of the last guys I want on my team at all. More importantly though, you gotta think big picture here. Is JR Smith the key to this team winning an NBA title? Or, realistically, challenging the Miami Heat for the East? Right now the NBA is shaping up in 2 different ways – 1) You have a couple superstars and surround them with role players (i.e. Heat, Thunder, Bulls with D Rose, although that may never be the same. Warriors could be shaping up this way with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson) 2) Complete teams, without any “superstars” really (i.e. Grizzlies, Pacers) I put it in quotes because after some playoff success these guys may be more household names, but you get the point. And the Spurs are just this freakish in-between that have been around for eternity, so they are like the gold standard of assembling a team in my mind. But The Grizz and Pacers are shaping up to be like the Pistons back in the mid 2000s. Lebron and Durant’s squads are the super star model that has seemed to dominate for years. And nowhere in either scenario does JR Smith fit. He’s not a bonafide number 2 option. And he’s certainly not an unselfish team player that could be a part of a team like Memphis or Indiana. You could argue that JR Smith at 5 mil a year is a good value, and when he’s putting up 20 and 5 you’d be right. But 4 years of him in the middle of Carmelo’s prime doesn’t take this team to the next level. If he was a true 6th Man complimenting Carmelo and a second option, and if he could stop being a dickhead off the court, he’d be great. But in reality they rely on him to be a second option and thats just not ever gonna be a contending team. Not in this League.

PS – Chris Smith announcing “I will be back next season” is absolutely the most absurd, delusional thing I’ve ever seen

VS.

Both these broads are due sometime in June or July. How is that even possible? Unless Kim is secretly giving birth to twin warthogs, I just can’t understand how there’s that big of a difference. Like I get that your belly gets big. But why is Kim’s thighs and arms and feet and shit pregnant? She’s just grown into a monstrous, monstrous human. Meanwhile Kate Middleton is the only woman in the history of the world who has made being pregnant look kinda sexy. Like I’m on the record saying I think pregnant women are absolutely disgusting. I don’t think they are glowing. I don’t think they are beautiful. I think they’re fat and weird. But Kate Middleton looks unreal there. Sexier than like 90% of the women in this world not carrying another human inside them.

How pissed must Kim be? She’ll probably have Kanye’s devil child, inevitably get divorced from that asshole, never lose her pregnancy weight, and effectively ruin her own life. Princess Kate will go back to being like 110 pounds and life a life of eternal luxury and privacy because she has some fake job of being royalty. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and one went fat and black and the other went skinny and hot.