The Union Bar
Iowa City, IA
March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
The Boulder Theater
March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
March 20th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
House Of Blues
Myrtle Beach, SC
April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 11th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 12th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
New York City, NY
April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
New Haven, CT
January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
East Stroudsburg, PA
March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last! The only satisfaction I get in my life as a sports fan is when one of my Get The Fuck Off My Team Candidates actually gets the fuck off my team. Guy has been the biggest waste of space and money for the past few years. Good fucking riddance. Santonio Holmes experiment finally comes to an end.
NY Post - There’s no such thing as too close for twin sisters in Australia, who shelled out more than $200,000 to look identical and share a job, a Facebook account, a bed — and a boyfriend. “We’re dating one boy at the moment,” said Anna DeCinque, who with sibling Lucy has had countless procedures in a bid to look exactly like each other. “There are three people in our relationship. We’re sharing.” “It’s not really weird to us,” added Lucy. “We have one boyfriend and all of us share the same bed … We have the same taste in everything, so obviously we’re going to like the same boy, too.” “We’re all together when we have sex, and if we like the same guy, so be it.” The 28-year-old, devoted duplicates have indulged their self-obsession with breast implants, lip enhancements, tattooed eyebrows. They get weekly skin peels and infrared sauna treatments, and have identical diets and exercise routines. The sisters, who were born one minute apart, sleep together in a double bed at a home they share with their 71-year-old mom in Perth. Beauty school dropouts, the DeCinque sisters now share a job serving meals to the elderly, splitting the shifts and a paycheck. The money goes to their shared beauty obsession, body-hugging mini-skirts and matching stilettos. “We like looking after ourselves, what girl doesn’t?” said Anna. “We never wear the same outfit twice when we go out,” said Lucy. “Everything has to be new.” “When we go out, we get so many guys saying they want to marry the both of us or date the both of us,” boasted Anna. “We can’t imagine a day when we’re not in each other’s company,’’ added Lucy. “And, to be honest, I don’t think that would ever happen.”
This, my friends, is some kinky, kinky shit. Like I’m usually down with the most disgusting, depraved shit that goes on out there in this weird, weird world. But this even seems a little wacky by my standards. Perhaps its because these bitches are straight up terrifying. Ugly as sin with a twist of major creepiness. If you guys are gonna drop 200 grand on surgery to look the same, why don’t you try to get hot while you’re at it? Be identical and hot instead of identical and ugly. The look like something designed to scare you in a funhouse or something.
I’m trying to put myself in the boyfriends shoes. Lets assume these chicks were hotter than this. Would you wanna date 2 sisters that are virtually identical? Looks wise and everything else? Upside being threesomes pretty much every time you fuck, downside being you basically have twice the nagging, twice the jealousy, twice the fighting, twice the periods, twice the emotions. Thats a major roll of the dice. Kinky weird sister threesomes is probably some crazy, kinky, weird sex thats very tough to top. But the risk you run of being tag teamed in every other aspect of life is downright reckless. I think what you gotta do is date them and play them against each other. Be like “Lucy gives better blow jobs than you, Anna.” Get them in a blow job war. “Anna loves when I F her in the A, Lucy.” Get them giving up all sorts of freaky shit just to one up the other. If you’re gonna deal with the hassle of 2 identical girlfriends you better maximize the benefits of 2 identical girlfriends.
Gothamist - Brooklyn’s premiere dog tattooist is looking for work, having been fired from his job at Prospect Heights’ Red Legged Devil tattoo shop over one boastful Instagram photo. Artist Mistah Metro launched a thousand ships of controversy yesterday when he posted a photo of his dog, still unconscious after spleen surgery, sporting some newly acquired ink compliments of her owner. “My dog is cooler than yours!” he said in the caption, adding that the “vet let me tattoo her while she was under.” Livid animal rights activists promptly led to the photo’s removal, but it was too late. Reached for comment, Red Legged Devil owner Chris Torres insisted that neither he nor his shop had anything to do with the dog tattooing, and moreover, that what Metro did was not a crime. “People are still offered jobs after being pedophiles,” he argued. “I don’t know why everyone is treating this kid like he raped a 12-year-old.” But it seems Metro’s behavior wasn’t entirely kosher with Torres, who gained notoriety after being featured on TLC’s NY Ink: DNAinfo reported today that the artist was relieved from his duties at the Flatbush Avenue studio. ”He said his dog was under anesthesia and he was going back to the vet to put a tattoo on him,” Torres told the news site. “He took his machine and went out the door.” He hasn’t seen him since. ”He’s a nice kid. It obviously wasn’t well thought out,” Torres added. “He spent thousands and thousands on the dog to keep him in good health. He cared for it like an old person in an old home.” Torres had decidedly less to say to us when we called, confirming only that Metro is “not going to be working here.” He added that his former employee has been mobbed by reporters since the photo appeared on Gothamist yesterday, though none have successfully reached him. ”There are reporters outside his house, calling his mom,” he said. “Any idea where he is?” we asked. ”He’s just not here,” Torres said.
You gotta be a Grade A asshole to tattoo a dog. No doubt about that. Like yea I know he was unconscious from his surgery, didn’t feel a thing and probably will live the rest of his life not even knowing there’s a tat there. But thats why it makes it such an asshole move. You’re just doing that to your dog for your own satisfaction. The ultimate move just for attention.
But more importantly than you being an asshole, you’re a fucking idiot. Don’t people realize that there are two things you absolutely cannot do anymore – fuck with dogs and joke about blackface. Those are two things that are guaranteed backlash the second you do it. This guy’s own boss admits that what he didn’t wasn’t a crime, and in the grand scheme of things is relatively harmless in comparison to some other shit out there, but he still fired him. Because you just can’t fuck with dogs in America. Probably would be in better shape if he had raped a 12 year old instead of messing with his dog.
Hope it was worth it to have the “coolest” dog, you dope.
Little Ryan Hickey is the perfect representative for the portion of Rangers fans who came out against the Callahan-for-St. Louis swap. The mere thought of Callahan wearing any other NHL sweater crushed his soul & turned him into a sobbing mess. Almost made him forget about his cookie…but I get it. Took me a while, but now I know why some of the Blueshirts’ faithful thought their team should have given Captain Cally whatever he wanted to keep him for 6 more years. Because they’re all 4 year-old crybabies in onesies who simply don’t know any better. That’s why.
Marty’s debut was solid – led all forwards with 20 minutes of ice time and certainly had Hags skating with some excitement. Maybe too much, actually, considering he passed up a fair share of shots trying to feed his new linemate. Still, their line was buzzing the entire game and gave a glimpse of what MSL will bring to NY. Gonna have to bring it quick though. After Talbot shut down the Hawks in the Rangers’ post-Olympic debut, the Blueshirts have managed just one point in 3 games against conference opponents. After the Pens, they’re in the middle of 5 division teams separated by a mere 5 points. No time for a losing streak coming down the home stretch of the regular season. This upcoming set of 5 games in 8 days (4 on the road) is gonna be a big time test, and one they gotta pass or the natives are gonna get restless.
Here’s a “Farewell Callahan” that’ll give fans goosebumps. Might even make some of you cry again. I recommend Ryan Hickey’s mom doesn’t show him this…
The Definitive List Of Stupid People On Twitter, Version 3.0 Featuring Just One Tweet To End All Dumb Tweets
Barraco Barner. Absolutely stupendous. This chick tweeted this earlier in the week and she’s been getting absolutely annihilated by the internet ever since. She’s been doing her best to deflect it but people are just relentless:
To be fair, Barack Obama is the fakest name out there. Its a completely made up name. Its no less ridiculous than Barraco Barner. As a matter of fact Barraco Barner is 500 times the name Barack Obama is. Barraco is a fantastic name. “Hey Barraco! Want a beer?” Just has great flow to it. And tossing Barner on the end there just takes it to the next level. Say it out loud and tell me you’re not laughing to yourself.
PS – Almost reminds me of Francesa-speak. Barraco Bombah.
29 years young and there’s no way I’d rather spend my birthday than with 2 of the biggest idiots on the planet talking about Joe Buck allegedly having sex with Fernando Tatis. Its always where I imagined I would be as I’m knocking on the door of 30.
If you haven’t been keeping up, in the last week you’ve got MailTime Mailbox part I, MailTime Mailbox part II (premium), True Detective Hysteria episode 1 and 2, MailTime at the Movies, and now another edition of Stoolie Voicemails. Thats 6 episodes of content to just absolutely murder your productivity on this Friday afternoon.
Defending Champ Bryana Holly
Challenger Niykee Heaton
Bryana Holly took out Olya Abramovich last week and before she could even celebrate the big W she’s back in the ring with a big time contender. Niykee Heaton comin in H-O-T with her first GTA Best of the Best appearance. We’re only a couple more weeks away from another Tournament of Champions, and my prediction is the winner of this matchup will win out the rest of the regular season. Who ya got?
Vote 1 for Champ Bryana Holly Vote 10 for challenger Niykee Heaton