Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Around Barstool

Simon And Garfunkle From Last Night’s Yankee Game Are NOT Happy With Me

garfunkel

 

So I’m watching the game last night and after a strike out, they show a replay that includes these 2 guys looking like the last 30 seconds of a casting couch video. So I have 2 choices here, carry on living my life cause it could happen to anyone, or tweet it quickly and be a dick. And boy did things escalate quickly

So it starts with a simple tweet:

gar

 

I get a retweet here and a favorite there and figure everything is cool. Until I wake up and find out somebody is pissed.

1

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Now I totally get it, I would probably be unhappy too, but I also realize the best thing to do would be to just let it go. I mean if you ignore it, that tweet just fades away into the internet, never to be heard from again. Or, when you don’t get a response at 3am on Twitter, you could rattle off a bunch of Malibu’s Most Wanted, themed tweets. Decisions, decisions…

paid

 

geek

 

Clearly pissed off, and I could tell by the Blank Check and Geek comments, which is up there with Melo and “Glazed donut face.”, I tried to address the situation.

morning

Well I guess the joke’s on me. So here’s my apology. I should not have called you Turtle Neck and Garfunkel.

empire

I should have called you Empire Records and Garfunkel. Or just Simon and Garfunkel cause thats what you guys looked like.

s&G

 

Mr. Macintosh out.

KFC Editor’s Note: “Computer Geek Looking Like The Kid From Blank Check No Ass Getting” is straight up fatality shit. JJ’s 100% right its like Glazed Donut Face Ass. Sometimes you just gotta know when you’re beat. Throw an “smh” out there and try again another day.

By jj posted April 17th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Smallest Penis Pageant In Brooklyn Is Back

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Huff PoIt’s time, once again, to make the little things count. The “Smallest Penis Contest,” a nutty competition which debuted last year, will return to Brooklyn’s Kings County Bar on June 14. Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, including “poise in both evening wear and bathing wear.” In addition to a cash prize (which can optionally be donated to charity), a “wee crown and scepter” will be awarded to the less-endowed man best exhibiting “extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa.” In an interview with The Huffington Post, last year’s winner, Nicholas Gilronan, described the competition as “laid back, fun, casual,” comparing it to just another “fun time on a Saturday afternoon.”

Its that time of year again, folks! The Smallest Cock Contest is back! Its an annual tradition over in Brooklyn. Buncha dudes get together at the bar for a reverse dick measuring contest. Every year I just crack jokes about Asians and make fun of the weirdos who show up to be spectators at that bar, but not this year. No sir. This year I’m a promoter. This year I’m a recruiter. A scout. And I’ve got the next Small Dick Champion.

The Rangers fan from this year’s Winter Classic:

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This guy has Tiny Dick Champ written ALL OVER his blacked out face. I feel like Jimmy Dolan when he discovered Saleh in Africa in the Air Up There. This dude could rattle off a Tiny Dick Dynasty. This is your time to shine, bro. This is your calling. You’ve already put that puny pecker on display, might as well do it again and win a couple hundred bucks or somethin.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Chinese Blogger Sentenced To Prison For Spreading Internet Rumors

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BEIJING (AFP) - A Chinese court jailed a blogger for three years on Thursday, state media reported, the first person to be sentenced in a government-led crackdown on so-called Internet rumours. Qin Zhihui – among hundreds of bloggers reportedly detained in an official campaign to assert greater control over China’s popular social media – was found guilty of “slander” and “picking quarrels and provoking troubles”, state broadcaster CCTV said. China has said the rumour crackdown launched last year is aimed at maintaining social order, but rights groups have accused Beijing of limiting freedom of speech online to protect the ruling Communist Party. Prosecutors at a Beijing district court said Qin had “impacted society and seriously harmed social order” by posting a series of inaccurate reports on Sina Weibo, a Chinese equivalent of Twitter, the official Xinhua news agency said.

China. The most backwards fucking place in the world. Where they put bloggers in jail for rumors but if you have a daughter you’re allowed to leave her on a mountainside to starve to death. Makes sense. Hey you wanna film videos of girls stepping on bunny rabbits and crushing gerbils and shit, go for it! But don’t you dare pick a quarrel on the internet!

Can you imagine if these were the rules over here? Pres would be doing 25 to Life. He might have gotten a life sentence for this right here:

vickyo

 

Sprinkle in a little Edgartown Sharks and China probably would have given him the chair. God Bless America, I suppose. Where bloggers can do whatever they want with zero repercussion.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Its Comedy Hour For Michael Kay And The Yankees Broadcast

Its almost like Michael Kay and, really, the entire Yankees organization intentionally does everything in their power to make me hate them. I guess the 27 rings makes up for a lot but other than that rooting for this franchise is the fucking worst.

By KFC posted April 16th, 2014 at 9:58 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Erin

 

Introducing Erin from New York, NY.  Absolute perfect way to end this cold ass Wednesday.  Maybe some of the most seductive eyes this site has ever seen.

 

Blackout New York City At Irving Plaza is coming to town.  All past/present smokeshows get free tickets.  Email beardobarstool@gmail.com to nominate a smoke.

GET TICKETS HERE

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By beardo posted April 16th, 2014 at 5:29 PM

Dude Who Avoided 13 Year Prison Sentence On Clerical Error Gets Caught, Awaits His Fate

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Today ShowA Missouri man who avoided a 13-year jail sentence because of what state officials called a clerical error will learn Tuesday if he will have to keep fighting to avoid being incarcerated. In 1999, Cornealious “Mike” Anderson was convicted of armed robbery after taking money from a Burger King manager who was making a bank deposit. He was sentenced to 13 years in jail, but after he posted bond and went home during the appeals process, he was never forced to serve his sentence. ”He then waited and waited and waited for the Missouri Department of Corrections to give him a date to surrender and begin his serving his sentence,’’ Anderson’s attorney, Patrick Michael Megaro, told TODAY. “That day never came.” The state mistakenly believed Anderson was already in prison serving his sentence, when in fact he was living life on the outside. ”He got married, had children, opened a successful business, coached youth football, (and) joined a church group,’’ Magaro said in a report from NBC’s Joe Fryer. “Did everything that you would expect a normal person to do because in his mind, he believed that maybe the courts had changed their mind.”  However, just as his sentence would have ended last summer, authorities realized the apparent clerical error — and that Anderson had never served time. The father of four was arrested and currently sits behind bars, waiting for Missouri Attorney General Chris Koster to respond on Tuesday to a petition from his attorney asking for his release. Koster declined comment to TODAY. “It’s just very hard,’’ said Anderson’s wife, LaQonna Anderson. “And I miss my husband very, very much. My kids miss their father.” Anderson spoke with the radio program “This American Life” about his predicament. “I never felt like a fugitive, because a fugitive’s someone that’s running from the law,’’ he said. “I never ran from the law. I was there.” The manager who was robbed believes that Anderson should be set free. “It’s their fault, so I mean it’s like they’re going to try and penalize him for another 13 years,’’ said the man, identified only by his first name, Dennis, on the radio program. “That don’t seem right.”

This is like when you’re a kid in school you didn’t do your homework and there’s like 5 minutes left in class and the teacher still hasn’t collected the assignment. And you’re sitting there praying the next 5 minutes go faster and you get away with it Scot Free. The only difference here is that instead of just getting away with not doing homework in 5th grade we’re talking about going to Federal Pound Me In The Ass Prison for 13 years. Of course the teacher always remembers at the last second and of course the court system aways catches their clerical glich. The question is just how bad will they fuck this guy?

I say he’s a free man. Its their fault. Its like when a store accidentally mislabels the price on something and so they have to give it to you for that cost. I’m not sure if thats actually a rule but once when I was a kid I found a Jason Kidd Mavericks jersey that was accidentally labeled $15 so they had to give it to me for that price. I was over the moon even though that jersey fucking sucked. Thats the same logic here. Its not my fault your prison secretary screwed up. My sentence was supposed to be from 1999 to 2012. That was your window to put me in jail. You never came to get me. You fucked that up. Thats on you. Statute of Limitations or some shit.

By KFC posted April 16th, 2014 at 5:00 PM

That Is How You Let Your Money Work For You

tanaka

Now that right there is a fucking stat line you spend $175mil on. It may be the first month of the first year of this contract, and this game may have just been against the Cubs but this has to get you excited if you are at Yankee fan. He keeps this up and I’ll love him long time.  Now we need Pineda to go out and do some work tonight to keep this push going to flip the rotation by season’s end.

Oh yea, Beltran went deep again and was the AL Player of The Week last week? I would lock myself in my room too if I was KFC.


By jj posted April 16th, 2014 at 4:28 PM

Another Year Of Lundqvist Playoff Hate Has Got Me All Emotional

Phoenix Coyotes v New York Rangers

I can’t take it. I know some of the “choke artist” talk about Lundqvist is simple rivalry trolling – but there’s plenty of casual fans who just assume it’s true. You motherfuckers are getting me all emotional. I feel like TO when he cried while defending Tony Romo. *sniffle* That’s my goalie… *sniffle* *tear* Does Hank have any rings to show off yet? Nope. That sure as shit has nothing to do with his individual playoff performances.

His numbers speak for themselves. Out of all goalies in the history of the league with 50+ postseason appearances, Lundqvist ranks 6th in save percentage. 11th in goals-against. ALL-TIME. He’s played 4 Game 7′s and won his last 3 by surrendering 1 or less in each. His lone loss was in ’09 by a 2-1 score. Last year, with the Rangers down 3 games to 2, he reeled off back-to-back shutouts against Ovechkin’s Capitals to advance. Against the Bruins, his Blueshirts could only muster 6 goals in their 4 losses – spoiling a pair of opportunities where Hank allowed just two past him.

Two years ago, he was the biggest reason the Rangers met the Devils in the Conference Finals. In the two prior series, both of which went to 7 games, Lundqvist allowed more than 2 just four times. Never more than 3. That includes the quadruple-OT game against the Caps where he was beaten only once. After shutting out NJ in two of the first 3 games in the Finals, it’s at least understandable he broke down at the end. Carrying an entire NHL franchise every other day for over a month can do that. No excuses, I get it – but again, without standing on his head against OTT & WAS, the Blueshirts don’t even make it out of the first round. In ’10-’11, he got less than 2 goals support. That’s how you lose a series in 5 despite a 2.26 goals-against.

Bottom line – he’s far from a “choke artist” come playoffs. He’s not Marc-Andre Fleury (I know he’s won a Cup, but outside of two big games vs Detroit he’s been awful) or Roberto Luongo. *sniffle* He’s my goalie… *sniffle* *tear* and his time will come.

Check out KFC Radio’s Stanley Cup playoffs podcast hosted by @CharlieWisco with Rear Admiral, myself & Chief.

CLICK HERE TO BUY

NYR

By 610 posted April 16th, 2014 at 4:10 PM
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