Barstool Sports

VS.

Both these broads are due sometime in June or July. How is that even possible? Unless Kim is secretly giving birth to twin warthogs, I just can’t understand how there’s that big of a difference. Like I get that your belly gets big. But why is Kim’s thighs and arms and feet and shit pregnant? She’s just grown into a monstrous, monstrous human. Meanwhile Kate Middleton is the only woman in the history of the world who has made being pregnant look kinda sexy. Like I’m on the record saying I think pregnant women are absolutely disgusting. I don’t think they are glowing. I don’t think they are beautiful. I think they’re fat and weird. But Kate Middleton looks unreal there. Sexier than like 90% of the women in this world not carrying another human inside them.

How pissed must Kim be? She’ll probably have Kanye’s devil child, inevitably get divorced from that asshole, never lose her pregnancy weight, and effectively ruin her own life. Princess Kate will go back to being like 110 pounds and life a life of eternal luxury and privacy because she has some fake job of being royalty. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and one went fat and black and the other went skinny and hot.

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Washington Times – A bus company that bills one of its tours as a real-life ride through an actual inner-city ghetto has been packing the seats, as tourists from Europe and Australia have flocked for the up-close-and-personal glimpse into one of America’s crime-ridden areas. The Real Bronx Tours offers the trip three times a week, billing it as “a ride through a real New York City ‘GHETTO,’ ” complete with stops at food-pantry lines and “pickpocket” park, The New York Post reported. The tour is $45, The Post said. A sampling of stops: Tour guide Lynn Battaglia singles out a housing project, before idling nearby a historic church and citing crime and poverty statistics from the South Bronx in 1970, The Post reported. Then on to East 140th Street, where Ms. Battaglia gives a history of the word “pig” as a reference to police officer. “The policeman, his name is Patty, and he would walk up and down that street, and if he ran into an alcoholic, he’d beat them mercilessly,” she said, in The Post. “So they’d call him ‘Patty the Pig.’ “ Other sources actually say the reference to cops as pigs began in London in 1811, The Post said. Area politicians aren’t happy with the theme of the tour. Bronx Borough President Ruben Diaz called the guide “the biggest fool on the planet,” in The Post. “They should tell people about The Bronx that we all know, and that’s The Bronx that’s had the lowest crime rate since 1963 last year. To have foreigners come and gawk at a long line of people who are less fortunate than they are and to make money off of that … is pretty disgusting.”

Who the fuck would pay 45 dollars to ride a bus through the hood and have all the intricacies of a NYC slum pointed out to them? That has gotta be the absolute worst business model I have ever heard. How has this woman ever had a single customer? I mean I know tourists are complete assholes and will fork over money for just about anything, but what the hell is a Ghetto Bus Tour like? Over here on your left you’ll see human excrement, most likely left by a vagrant who uses the sidewalk as a toilet. Looking forward on your right, you’ll see a slew of liquor stores and check cashing storefronts with the occasional take out fried chicken peppered in. You’ll notice there’s no electricity in any of these buildings because Con Edison has cut the power in these neighborhoods because white people need their air conditioning and nobody cares whether the inhabitants here live or die. Please don’t feed the toothless whores or crackheads. And keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times to avoid hypodermic needle pricks.

I sincerely hope one of these days a bus full of Asians and European tourists gets completely hijacked in one of these neighborhoods. NYC Ghetto Bus Tours – costs $45 and potentially all of your other belongings when you get mugged along the way.

FORT WALTON BEACH – A 30-year-old Fort Walton Beach man became angry when his mom hid his bottle of spiced rum and started breaking glass items in their living room, according to an arrest report. Fort Walton Beach Police officers were told the man came home on the night of April 28 at a little after 10, and he was drunk. His mother took his bottle of spiced rum and hid it, which angered the man. He began knocking down and breaking glass items from a shelf in the living room, spreading broken glass over the living room, the officer wrote in the report. The man’s father held him until officers arrived. He said he’d been drinking throughout the night. When officers did a records check, they found he was on probation and shouldn’t have been drinking. He was charged with assault and violation of probation. His court date is May 21.

I’m torn here. Part of me can’t respect a 30 year old man living at home with his parents who drinks spiced rum. I mean last year I was almost a 30 year old man living with his parents but whatever. I just drink Bud Light. Whats the matter with this dude? Couldn’t make your Bacardi and Diet with all your girls? Couldn’t do shots of So Co or make a Captain and Coke like you’re in 9th grade? No Malibu was available? Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

On the flipside there is nothing, and I mean nothing, worse than when you’re shitfaced and people are hiding shit from you and fucking with you. Like the people who try to take away your keys so you don’t drive. I mean nobody condones drunk driving but when you’ve had a few beers and you’re driving down the block and you got the Mothers Against Drunk Driving brigade come out and try to take your keys, its so fucking annoying. Or the people who try to take drinks away from shitfaced girls. Try to sneakily swap out their drink with some water or something. Hey toots I paid cold, hard cash for that drink specifically so she’ll be shitfaced enough to sleep with me, don’t you touch it. Or I guess when your mom hides your booze even though you’re 30 years old. If my mom hid my Bud Lights I’d probably go on a rampage too. Can’t stand any of that shit. Let drunk people be drunk, people.

Hey gay dude, snap out of it! What, an older woman wants you to feel her cans? Stop hovering like a little girl. It’s Tan Mom, bitch. I don’t care how much you’d rather be double-fisting dicks, show some respect and squeeze those wrinkly brown bombs. Stop projecting.

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PHILADELPHIA (CN) – Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel catastrophically disfigured a man’s penis and made him permanently unable to ejaculate, he claims in court. Michael Lowe sued The Kama Sutra Co. and Kamsut Inc., both of Thousand Oaks, Calif., and The Mood, a Philadelphia sex shop where he bought the stuff, in the Philadelphia County Court of Common Pleas. He claims that before the disaster on Sept. 1, 2012, he “used the Gel multiple times without wearing a condom … without incident.” But that day, he used the product and then put on a condom before having sex with his fiancée, he says in the complaint. They were interrupted by the sounds of their daughter waking in the next room. While his fiancée went to check on her, Lowe waited in bed, he says. ”Before the couple resumed intercourse, Mr. Lowe began to experience excruciating pain and pressure in his penis,” the complaint states. “He removed the condom and his penis swelled significantly. He sought emergency medical treatment and follow-up care thereafter.” He claims the gel caused “permanent scarring and disfigurement of the penis, permanent loss of sensation in the penis, permanent loss of functioning of the penis, permanent nerve damage to the penis, permanent tissue damage to the penis, and the inability to ejaculate.” He seeks damages for all of that, plus medical expenses, lost wages, humiliation, embarrassment, negligence, strict liability, breach of express warranty, breach of implied warranty, loss of life’s pleasures, and present and future pain and suffering.

Listen I’m not saying a company who makes dick gel shouldn’t be responsible for horrendous injuries that can occur if you rub it all over your penis. Thats pretty clear cut. But to be perfectly honest I got a problem with guys rubbing this shit all over their junk. A) Its like cheating. Performance enhancing drugs for your cock. When I’m out there giving an honest, clean cock performance and she’s not satisfied because the last guy rode her for 45 minutes straight, well that really pisses me off. And B) Anytime you start rubbing foreign substances all over your dick, you deserve everything that comes to you. I mean take a look at what happened to this guy: loss of sensation to the penis, inability to ejaculate. Hey guy! Isn’t that what you were looking for? You probably got excited about it and slathered on a whole tube of that stuff and permanently marred your shit. As far as I’m concerned, the dick is supposed to naturally come within like 4 minutes, max. You can try to extend that amount of time with a shitload of will power or the perfect amount of booze. But once you start smearing numbing toxin into your cock, don’t be surprised when shit goes wrong. You poison you dick, you pay for the consequences.

PS – One time, and one time only, I used an Extended Pleasure condom. Most terrifying experience of my life. I thought my dick was gonna fall off my body. Like I was convinced the numbing stuff was just Nair and it was going to remove my dick all together.

Thats it! She’s dead! Good God almighty, she is dead!

Click to play the Vine Video

How pissed would you be if you went to the fucking Billboards Music Awards Show and some guy named Miguel decapitated you and your friend? Straight up Hogan Leg Dropped them to Kingdom Come