People always talk about Morgan Freeman’s voice. James Earl Jones’ voice. People always saying if you could have one person narrate your life, it would be those guys. Fuck that. Give me SN double O P DO double gizee. I’d argue that Snoop’s permanently blunted voice is better than any of those other Hollywood legends. Saying shit like nephew and chuch and tabernacle. I could listen to Snoop read the dictionary and I’d be entertained. I just wish he had announced the World Cup.
BRIDGEPORT, CT (WFSB) - A Bridgeport man is being accused of assaulting his ex-wife because he said she threw away his beer. A press release said Melvin Gonzalez, 49, of 598 Park St., allegedly hit his ex-wife in the face after she took his beer away from him because she said he gets violent when he drinks. The victim said Gonzalez lives with her and that when he came home from work they got into an argument and he asked for his bottles of beer. Police said that the victim told Gonzalez that she drank them, when she really threw them away, and he allegedly hit her in the face and left the house. Gonzalez was arrested and charged with third-degree assault and disorderly conduct.
Well this is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you dont situation. When your husband drinks, he gets violent. And when you take away his beer, he punches you in the face. Real rock and a hard place when you’re dealing with Melvin Gonzalez. Its kinda like when you’re arguing with your girlfriend and no matter what you say, you get in more trouble. You’re trying to just apologize for whatever you did and agree with whatever she’s saying and all the sudden you’re in even deeper for yes’ing her to death. You’re just trying to avoid an altercation and next thing you know you’ve made it ten times worse. The only difference is that usually I just end up getting nagged and with Melvin you get knocked the fuck out.
Gotta be honest though – gonna put my Stephen A Smith hat on here for a moment – what is a chick doing taking her ex-husband’s beer? Isn’t that the whole reason you get a divorce? He gets to drink, she gets away from the drunk. Once those divorce papers are signed you can’t touch that dude’s beer. And judging by the results this time around, I’d say you shouldn’t want to touch his beer again.
Its honestly like Sharknado 2 was made strictly for me.
Salon – I was in a bar in Chicago when I told a close friend of 20 years that, despite being a lesbian, I was marrying a man. My friend and I hadn’t seen each other in a while, but we fell back quickly into our old intimacy — those long, rambling conversations we used to have in coffee shops all over Minneapolis. When the subject shifted to an activist group she was part of, I said I’d be glad to help, if they needed a lesbian on their board. She laughed, dismissively. “You can’t call yourself that anymore.” Of all the weird reactions I’d gotten to my engagement, that one pissed me off most. I had not been not surprised when my fiancé’s friends — Washington insiders with the respect for convention that city inspires — expressed shock when they discovered I was a dyke. We came from different worlds; with my long brunette hair and short skirts, I hadn’t read as queer to them. But no one had presumed to relabel me, to retrofit me to their categories — at least, not to my face. But here was my fabulous Portland pal, trying to claim me for the Bi-Het team (which sounded like a synagogue rather than a sexual identity, and certainly not my own). She wasn’t the only one: An ex-girlfriend and a sophisticated poet cousin said the same thing, as if my lesbian license had been revoked. So let me be clear, since I can’t be the only one: I am a lesbian marrying a man. This is not semantics, or splitting hairs; it is fundamental to who we are — my fiancé and I. Immutable as height or eye color. Call it a kind of intermarriage. I am 5-foot-9, brunette, lesbian, that won’t alter because of our vows; nor will my love of women, though I won’t be dating them. If either of us had to pretend otherwise, I wouldn’t be marrying this man. It is precisely because our love makes room for us to be who we are, rather than cutting us to fit convention, that I want to spend my life with him.
No. This is not how it works, babe. You’re not a lesbian. At the most you’re bi-sexual. And really, you’re just a straight chick who probably went down on a few chicks in her life. You can’t say you’re a vegetarian who just happens to eat meat. You don’t get to say you’re gay if you’re marrying someone of the opposite sex. These are just basic definitions of words.
Why even try to keep up this charade? Its like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You like round peg in your round hole so you’re straight. Its like you just want to be able to tell people you’re a lesbian. I’d like to be a pimp from Oakland or a cowboy from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. And as a matter of fact if I was a gay I think I’d be pretty offended by this. You don’t get to run around playing the Gay Card if you’re a part of a straight marriage. Its honestly something straight out of a Seinfeld episode.
OHIO COUNTY, W.Va. – A Washington County, Pa., couple could soon face indecent exposure charges in Ohio County after neighbors say a woman was walking a naked man on all fours on a leash. It happened Tuesday morning around 9:30 near Roney’s Point in Ohio County. Sheriff’s deputies say they got several calls about the couple, but when they arrived to the scene the couple was clothed. Officers say the two admitted to participating in the act and to “having a kinky sexual relationship.” The couple was said to be visiting a friend on U.S. 40. The Ohio County Prosecutor’s Office is reviewing the matter.
Almost heaven! West Virginia! The fact that this couple is facing charges is such bullshit. It reminds me of the rugby player who got fired for pissing in his own mouth. If you ain’t harming anybody else, you should face any consequences. If some bother and sister couple down in West Virginia are in a consensual, kinky sexual relationship, then they should be able to do just that. Not like she forced some stranger to get naked and walk around on all fours like a dog. Not like she has somebody on a leash against their will. This is a dude who simply gets off on being a naked slave dog to a woman with a mullet. They are just mind their own business and so should everyone else in the neighborhood.
And don’t you dare tell me there are children and shit who shouldn’t have to look at an inbred couple walking around naked. This is West Virginia we’re talking about. That shit is par for the course. Burning couches and kinky BDSM, thats what West Virginia does.
Been a big week here at the Stool. We went to war. We had big revelations on the Rundown. Big Cat did the Bears Challenge and he’s probably had about 60 hot dogs since our last episode. Feitelberg is fully addicted to the Kim Kardashian iPhone app. And I’m moving out of Manhattan.
Theres a lot to discuss. Call the Barstool Hotline and leave voicemails talking about whatever you’d like. 646-807-8665. Ask us questions, tell us stories, whatever you want. Just SPEAK UP. Loud and Clear. Please for the love of God, loud and clear.
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