Well we already exposed all the Poor People Candy. Admittedly the argument got skewed a bit. The label of “Poor” was meant to mean more like “reject.” All those candies are the bootleg, no name, reject candy that gets left at the bottom of the bowl at Halloween. You egg the house of the person who gives you those candies. And even if you like some of those candies, you need to have enough self awareness to understand you’re chowing down on scumbag candy. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all slum it sometimes. But you need to understand that not all candy was created equal.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are the bougie candies. The fancy candy. High society, pinkies up, “gourmet” candy. And just like some of the poor people candy may be tasty, the fancy people candy can taste like shit. Candy is almost like a bottle of wine – you dont need to be the asshole buying the $300 bottle to get a tasty wine. The best candy is just the quality chocolate bars and candies at the register at CVS. But these are the stuffy, bougie candies that cake eaters eat. (Note: like 90% is chocolate because chocolate is the Cadillac of candy)
Toblerone. What the fuck is Tolberone? I’ll tell you right now to your face if you eat a triangle shaped chocolate bar, I don’t trust you as a human being. Thats some Illunimati shit or something. Absolutely no reason to make a chocolate bar triangular unless you’re trying to be an asshole. And I love the “of Switzerland” dig at the bottom. Hey Toblerone suck my dick. I’d rather eat a Milky Way any day of the week over you. I dont even know how to pronounce you. Tober-lone? Toe-blay-rone? Toe-bull-roni? Get the fuck out of here. Yesterday on Twitter someone said his dad used to bring this home for him after business trips and thats exactly what Toblerone is. Just some bougie chocolate that your absentee father uses to try to buy your love.
Are we talking about a chocolate bar or an Italian artist from the Renaissance? Christ almighty. And I dont like anything described as “Intense Dark.” Sounds like an interracial porn website that I want no part of. Tahitian Treasure? Spicy Pican? Get lawst, Ghirardelli.
The most popular of all bougie chocolates. No doubt delicious, its just a matter of whether or not you have 50 bucks to spend on a box of assorteds and 2 chocolate covered strawberries. I remember when I was a kid I’d get this shit for my girlfriends on Valentine’s Day and what not. I’d break the fucking bank every time. I’d be giving them like a $40 piece of jewelry and $50 worth of overpriced chocolates. Anytime you’re getting candy from a storefront in the Westchester mall thats in between stores like Armani and Gucci you know you’re spending too much money on chocolate.
Here’s another one I cant even really say. Lint? Lind-int? How are you supposed to pronounce a -dt? Anyway Lindt is known for their truffles. Even though chocolate truffle has absolutely nothing to do with the fancy expensive mushrooms I still feel like they go hand in hand. Truffle = expensive as fuck. I mean just look at this Lindt asshole:
You think you’d ever see a Hershey’s “chef” posing like this? Fuck no. And all this “Dark cocoa” stuff can take a hike. Its like they try to make their candy as bitter as possible to seem classy.
I’m so fancy! I fucking love the chocolate gold coins in the net bag. Always made me feel like a pirate or Scrooge McDuck with gold coins. Not even really sure where these came from? I dont remember I got them. They always just appeared. Maybe in Easter baskets? Which brings me too…
I’m pretty sure Prince William and Prince Harry spent their teenage years throwing their loads inside Cadbury eggs. Absolutely disgusting. Fuck Cadbury eggs, fuck the Royal Family, and fuck England. Bougie shit.
I’m sure in reality these arent very expensive or fancy, but when you’re in the hotel wearing the robe and using the jacuzzi bath and then they put these little fuckers on your pillow, you cant help but feel like high society.
After Eight Thinmints
After Eight’s make Andes look like that one friend poor friend you had in elementary school. Almost bumps Andes down to the Poor Candy list. I feel like after a polo match and dinner with duck as the main entree, you serve After Eight mints. Maybe even sneak a couple before your polo match and tea time with cucumber sandwiches
VSC Chocolate Liquors
You ever eat these little fuckers? Little bottles of chocolate filled with booze? Some Grand Marnier chocolates all wrapped up in a little baby bottle. So bougie.
Any time your candy comes inside a fucking tin canister, you know thats some rich people shit. These are like the Altoids of candy. Metal case with wax paper treating these goddam lemondrops like they are gold nuggets. Relax, Cavendish & Harvey. Its just candy.
The layman’s Godiva. Still bougie in its own right. My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates, sometimes you pick the one thats dark chocolate filled with some sort of blackberry jelly that tastes like absolute SHIT. Seriously I’d say that about 2 chocolates in an entire assorted box are actually tasty. There’s like one milk chocolate one and one that has some caramel and the rest are all fucking gross. Just because it comes in a box with a bow doesnt mean shit.
Dove is just fancy all around. Whether we’re talking about the soap company Dove or the chocolate. Again like the truffles, absolutely zero connection but in my mind there is. Just creamy, soft, smooth Dove products. Dove ice cream bars are legit as fuck but again, you need like 9 dollars for one. You can buy the entire ice cream truck for the cost of one Dove bar.
Disgusting. Flat out revolting. Cherries are awful. In any variation. Candies, pastries, sodas. Cherry is for the birds. Just tastes like cough medicine. You can cover it in chocolate and wrap it up in fancy foil but there’s no hiding your deep dark secret. At the middle of this candy is a disgusting cherry and you cant fix that.
To be honest I dont even know what this is. But everyone is telling me I need to include it so if we’re gonna call a list Definitive you gotta have it all. But this is so fancy I’ve never even had one.