Thanksgiving Dinner Power Rankings

1. Mashed Potatoes

Still the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world – motherfucking mashed potatoes. Everyone always sucks stuffing’s dick. There’s no way stuffing takes the top spot. I love stuffing too, but it just doesn’t dethrone mashed potatoes. Whip that shit up with some half and half, douse it in butter, and smear it on top of every bite of turkey/stuffing/peas you have. Thats the beauty of mashed potatoes – its like its own dish but its almost like a topping as well since you can smush it on everything else/

2. Ocean Spray canned cranberry

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving for me if I did hear the sweet, sweet sound of a gelatin cylinder of cranberry slurping its way out of a metal can. Lines still visible from the can. Knife slices right through it like a stick of melted butter. Anybody who eats the real homemade bougie cranberry sauce can take a fucking hike.

3. Stuffing

Like I said, I feel like stuffing gets a free pass. Everyone just automatically crowns it the champ. But there’s a reason for that I guess. Its fucking delicious. As a matter of fact I probably eat more stuffing than any other dish. Its pretty unique to Thanksgiving dinner, which means you gotta stock up on it Thursday because you may only have it at dinner another couple times a year

4. Crescent Rolls

If I could sleep in a bed of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls every night I would. Stuff my pillowcases with them and sleep in a bed of soft flaky fluff. They are simply amazing. I don’t know what chemicals or preservatives Pillsbury puts in them to get them that soft, and I don’t care. I’m good for an easy 20 C.R’s at Thanksgiving.

5. Turkey

I don’t think anyone ever lists turkey are their number 1 dish. Almost everyone is like “I don’t even like the turkey that much! I like all the side dishes better!” It never gets the most love, but lets be honest – without turkey there is no Thanksgiving feast. Its not as tasty as all the side dishes, but its a pillar in the middle that makes the Thanksgiving Feast go. Its like Tim Duncan and the Spurs.

PS – You obviously cover all this shit in gravy.

PPS – This is only Thanksgiving Dinner. Desserts are a whole ‘nother ball game

By KFC posted November 27th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

VRRRROOOMM! Isles Continue To Roll…Rock The Barn Shirts Now On Sale

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CLICK HERE TO BUY

The Captain JT lights the lamp with less than a minute to go in OT, stomp on Nate and Ovechkin’s face, and the Isles take sole possession of first place and continue HUMMIN. The historic franchise start continues and in honor of the final season at the Coli, we drop our #RockTheBarn shirt to immortalize the last 30+ years and the 4 banners the Isles won. Its only fitting that as this team bids farewell to their home, they are absolutely tearing this league apart.

Hey Boomer! Is this loud enough for you bro??

By KFC posted November 26th, 2014 at 9:57 PM

Sexy Thanksgiving Takes You Into The Holiday!

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Thanksgiving is the least sexy holiday of the year. Especially coming off the heels of its slutty sister, Halloween. Its all about people over eating and being sleepy. There’s really just nothing hot about it. So this is my attempt to make Turkey Day sexy. Really its just a bunch of hot native Americans and chicks in the kitchen. But whatever its a start.

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By KFC posted November 26th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

KFC Radio – Lets All Get Fat And Drunk For The Next 2 Months

Subscribe to KFC Radio on iTunes || Subscribe to MailTime on iTunes

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Well the time is upon us, my friends. Winter is here, and holiday season kicks off the moment you leave work today. So its time for Human Hibernation. The closest thing we can get to actual animal hibernation is getting fat and being slightly drunk for the next 8 weeks straight. Its about staying warm and being happy, and that means eat and drink whatever you want from now until at least New Years. Heres the rundown for this week’s Thanksgiving Episode:

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With an absolutely ridiculous story about a dude catching his sister’s boyfriend in the bathroom at Thanksgiving doing some weird, weird shit. Some more sex questions from the ladies, Robotripping, Barstool Family Feud and a diabolical would you rather with TV channels and letter son the keyboard.

Its your third hour of content, in quite possibly the greatest MailTime day in the history of Barstool

By KFC posted November 26th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

The New Game Of Thrones Teaser Is Fucking Bullshit

I understand that teaser trailers are designed to be short and just give you a taste of what is coming up next season, but Jesus Christ, HBO.  Have some fucking respect for the people who are fiending for some new Game of Thrones content.  That trailer is like letting an addict smell an empty dime bag and then telling him to stay tuned for when the new shipment arrives in 5 months.  If you are going to give us a 10-second snippet, I need Arya to slice a dude’s throat or a full-body silhouette of Margaery Tyrell.  Not that stupid raven caw and a Melissandre quote from season 3.

And while we are at it, fuck the three-eyed raven.  No one wants to be reminded of the Bran storyline, trust me.  I get that weird, happy feeling in my stomach every time I hear the  Thrones theme song.  I don’t need to get excited for a worthless teaser before I have to go out and shovel a foot of heavy, wet snow.  Be better, HBO  (and yes, I will still watch every shitty 10-second teaser you release because I am HOOKED).


By theclemreport posted November 26th, 2014 at 1:25 PM

Official Holiday Rankings (And How To Improve Each One)

 

Halloween has come and gone and Thanksgiving is here, which means we are in the thick of the Holiday season. If you’re in a relationship, congratulations! You are now trapped for the next four months, until the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years/Valentine’s Day tumult has concluded. American Holidays are the best, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be improved upon. Here is every holiday, ranked, and how I as the Secretary of Holiday’s would improve them.

 

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#8: Valentine’s Day

The holiday every girl says they don’t care about and really, really do. The most successful Hallmark Holiday of all-time. Tangible evidence that all men are merely slaves to women, and all women are merely slaves to materialism. I have disavowed Valentine’s Day already. I remember when I had a girlfriend in high school, I took her to some restaurant in Greenwich, and spent 100+ bucks for a meal that I was too nervous to eat because I thought I was getting laid for the 2nd time ever afterwards. Pretty much spent my month’s budget for the privilege of a thank-you kiss and being told I had to pick up her friend from the Stamford train station. From that day on, I vowed I am out on Valentine’s day forever. Like the Holocaust, NEVER AGAIN.

How To Improve It:

Abolishment and disbandment. The only salvation for Valentine’s Day is it’s complete destruction. And you know who would be happiest about this abolishment? Girls. No matter the pits of your foreboding in the “oh fuck” moment where you realized you forgot to get jewelry or flowers, I promise every woman in every city in America’s anxiety over not being given the picture-perfect evening to capture on her Pintrest and Instagram is 10X worse.

happymemorialday

#7: Memorial Day

Fourth of July-lite is really what Memorial Day is. The actual spirit of the holiday to salute the men and women in uniform and serve as a halfway-mark for spring is perfectly nice. It just feels like a non-Major holiday. If I say the word “Holiday”, how many of you are thinking of Memorial Day? I will assume none of you because there is no way for us to communicate, and I prefer to reaffirm rather than challenge my own thoughts and beliefs. I love the idea of Memorial Day, but is a second-tier holiday, plain and simple. Don’t be offended by that. I didn’t make it that way. When I see the world around me change, I will adjust the materiel.

How To Improve It:

If some asshole in real life or social media criticizes you for day-drinking a little, or cooking out, or having any sort of fun on Memorial Day because it is “disrespectful”, you are legally able to assault him with a Red, White, and Blue paddle. Yes, we should all take a few minutes that day to reflect on the sacrifices servicemen and servicewomen have made for us. If you have any Army buddies, you know they don’t do so they can be thanked and we can be sad. You are allowed to have fun on Memorial Day. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

 

New-Years-Eve

#6: New Year’s Eve

The most overrated holiday by far. You party, try to kiss the prettiest girl you can find at Midnight, probably fail, settle for a less attractive one, kiss her, try to take her home, and then probably fail at that too! Know what that sounds like? Literally every other night. Except no one wants to drive so there’s no designated driver, cabs cost about five times as much, and cops make their annual quota for the rest of the year catching drunk drivers. It’s everything that anyone who goes out regularly experiences in a typical night, just shifted an hour or two further back. Really nothing special.

How To Improve It:

Other than laws banning price surging for transportation? You can’t. It just is what it is at this point and we all have to put up with it. Next.

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#5: Easter

The worst holiday of the Big Four (Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween) by a country mile. Made significantly worse if your parents actually believed in God and made you attend Church. My parents believe in God, but the effort it takes to send us to church was always just too much for them, so they would rather let us condemn ourselves to eternal damnation instead. The gifts you got in your Easter basket were usually second-rate crap that was made in Taiwan by someone who was younger than you were. The candy was similarly terrible; stuff like Jelly Beans and Chocolate Coins. I’m pretty sure you can only buy Jelly Beans and Chocolate Coins with welfare checks. It’s also the one day of the year we have to convince ourselves that Peeps are anything more than mediocre.

How To Improve It:

Further commercialization. The problem with Easter is it takes all the worst aspects of Christmas (seeing family members you don’t like, going to church, pretending to like gifts of which 80% are shitty) and has none of the awesome parts like great movies or expensive toys. What’s the last great Easter movie you saw? The last really awesome Easter gift? Much like Obamacare, Easter is just one good dose of American capitalism away from being a premier holiday. Until then, it is no more than a poor man’s Christmas.

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#4: Halloween

Takes on so many different meanings at so many different ages. Holidays are more or less mainstays in our life. That’s why they work so well as life landmarks. Halloween is the only holiday that matures with you. Grows with you. It goes from something to be experienced with your parents, to something you do alone with your gang of scrappy yet lovable friends, to something you do while wobbling sideways and leering at slutty costumes. As we grow up, Halloween grows up with us. And that’s sort of beautiful when you think about it.

How To Improve It:

Police are not allowed to arrest anyone for any reason on Halloween (except Pedophiles). No one causing mischief on Halloween actually does anything to ruin or damage a community (except for Pedophiles). If people want to get drunk and look at girls in costumes, or cause a little mayhem for their neighbors, how about law enforcement just let that go for one night (except for Pedophiles).

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#3: Thanksgiving

A perfectly nice, respectable holiday. Football is great, family is great, food is great. Everything that is nice and positive about Holidays can be found somewhere in Thanksgiving. Like Christmas without the pressure. The only issue with Thanksgiving is the lack of pizzazz. Thanksgiving doesn’t have a lot of glitz. Not a ton of fireworks with Thanksgiving. Just a really good, solid, pleasant Holiday that gets the job done and everyone has a nice time with. Thanksgiving is the Tim Duncan of Holidays, and there is absolutely no shame in that.

 

How To Improve It:

Depends how socially acceptable it is to get drunk at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. How enjoyable Thanksgiving will be and how much booze you can consume is directly proportional.

Also, be careful who you “give thanks” and are courteous to at dinner. We all decided to be very thankful and nice to our Native neighbors one Thanksgiving. How do they repay us a few centuries later? By trying to rename one of our oldest football teams. Watch out for other potential backstabbers like that.

 

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#2 Fourth Of July

Fourth Of July is regarded as the premier holiday of the non-holiday season and it is still widely underrated. The only reason the Fourth Of July isn’t considered the consensus best holiday of the year is because it doesn’t occur during the NFL Season. If Football, day drinking, barbecuing, and summer weather were all combined in some sort of Caligulan orgasm of patriotism, the Fourth Of July would be hands-down the greatest day of the year.  Tip for High School seniors and College Freshmen: This is about the time of year that the perfectly nice, 6 to 7ish girl that existed on the outskirts of her friend group is staring down the long, cold barrel of virginity-entering-college. And she doesn’t want to see the trigger pulled and be the outcast in her sorority. And the smell of summer grass and 3 and 1/3 Budweisers in American-flag cans is hitting her just right. Look out for that girl. Because she is there.

How To Improve It:

I’d propose some sort of “World Games”-style competition in Football or Basketball. Team USA basketball practices for the entire month of June and then plays a round-robin tournament of 30 minute games against the South American, European, African, and Asian All-Star teams. This might make me a bad person, but watching Carmelo Anthony drain 3’s in the face of some Nigerian small forward who I sponsor for 60 cents a day, and then Derrick Rose putting his nuts in a Japanese shooting guard’s face on a Windmill once a year would certainly enhance my patriotism. Kind of like how the Hunger Games takes place to remind the people that the Capitol can seize their lives at any time, we would use the Fourth to establish athletic dominance over the rest of the World. America, Fuck Yeah!

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#1: Christmas

Christmas. Evidence that capitalism can make everything perfect. If you don’t hate your family or go to church then it is without a doubt the best day of the year. Christmas is to holidays what the American Navy is to maritime combat. What the Celtics were to late 1960’s basketball. What Mariano Rivera is to closers. The hegemon. The dominator. The undefeated, untied, and undisputed heavyweight champion of the World.

How To Improve It:

You don’t. You don’t trade players when your team is undefeated. You don’t change Walter White’s 99.1% pure formula when it’s being sold like hotcakes to every meth head in New Mexico. Leave Christmas alone and to it’s own devices.

Follow me on twitter @CharlieWisco

KFC Editors Note: I’d go 8) V-day 7) Easter, 6) NYE, 5) Halloween, 4) Memorial Day, 3) Thanksgiving 2) 4th of July, 1) Christmas

 

UPDATE: It was brought to my attention by WSD that I left out St. Patrick’s Day. Inexcusable fuck up. I put it at #5 behind Halloween and ahead of Easter. The reason it’s behind Halloween is because everyone is fat, pale, and gross from the winter weight.

By charliewisco posted November 26th, 2014 at 1:00 PM

GTA Best Of The Best, Season 4 Week 3 Voting Now Open!

Champion Morgan Hultgren

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VS.

Nora Segura

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Short week so time to get you Ass Voting on. I would stuff both of these butts like a Thanksgiving turkey. I was pour my gravy all over the breasts. I would…ah thats enough. Both these asses are gorgeous but there can only be one Highlander.

Time to vote

Vote 1 for 3 time champ Morgan Hultgren Vote 10 for Nora Segura

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (747 votes, average: 3.16 out of 10)
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By KFC posted November 26th, 2014 at 12:30 PM

Wednesday Afternoon MailTime: Thanksgiving Eve In The Cubes

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Premium Members can listen on the KFCRadio App on iPhone or Android

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Hopefully you’re just wrapping up our Serial recap, and its time to keep the MailTime train rollin. Another hour and 15 minutes to help you kill more time as you give your bosses a massive “FUCK YOU” on this miserable, dreary, pointless, joke of a day. This episode we talk about Checkers fast food, my black out trip to the hospital last week, my latest run in with Francesa and the life of Mongo Nation, Rick Pitino with the most underrated quote of the year, Jurassic World, and a VERY informed discussion about Ferguson.

Also a big discussion about how to behave on Thanksgiving eve if you’re home from college (try to fuck all the girls) and how to behave if you’re stuck in the Cubes (don’t do a goddam thing)

Its a full Thanksgiving Mailtime to get you through to lunch. Hopefully you’ve only got a half day and you’re almost at the finish line.

By KFC posted November 26th, 2014 at 11:40 AM
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