BYNES! RT @AmandaBynes I don't drink or do drugs. I've never had a bong in my life! I need to get another nose job after seeing my mugshot!
Fan Duel Memorial Day MLB challenge. 6k in prizes. Sign up here http://t.co/xIknXptcgC
The sun isn't shining. But it's never sunny in the basement of the Parker House #GodsBasement
Uhh. It's fucking FREEZING in NYC. Worst Memorial Day weekend ever
Wildwood Boardwalk, Guido Beach, and Modern Day Seaside Heights Takes You Into Memorial Day Weekend!
Its a running tradition here at Barstool New York to take you into the first weekend of summer with the most glorious depiction of the Jersey Shore. The evolution, or devolution, of everyone’s favorite summer spot. From Wildwood Boardwalk, progressing to Guido Beach, and the most recent, Modern Day Seaside Heights, its officially summer when we post this on the Stool. Now I know everyone around here is pretty bummed that the weather blows and it doesn’t feel like summer at all. But here’s all you need to remember:
The sun doesn’t need to be shining in order to get fucked up and bang out some randos. That kinda shit can be done rain or shine.
So enjoy your weekend wherever you may go. The Hamptons, Jersey Shore, Nantucket, whatever. Don’t let some clouds ruin one of the best weekends of the year.
Alright you jackals, here are your comments of the week. Actually a pretty good batch. I would have searched harder for more but it’s the Friday before Memorial Day Weekend and I’ve been busy doing curls for the girls in front of the mirror, so here’s what I came up with. Like I’ve said before, you may be a strange, deviant bunch, but occasionally you shine.
Commenter: shitywok – Chick sits in front of a webcam all day and darts her mitt for cash. I’m not a banker but I respect that.
“Darts her mitt” is one of the funniest ways I’ve ever heard to describe a chick masturbating. It’s almost like secret code. You could drop that in casual conversation and nobody would know what you’re talking about, and that’s why it’s so perfect.
Commenter: bungholesurfer – New low in my life. Bathroom at work was out of order today so they brought in a porta-potty for us to use. Saw this video of Alice Eve and thought about jerking it in the Male/Female port-potty P.S. – By thought about it, I mean I did it.
This one holds a special place in my heart because when I worked construction I used to beat off in the porta potty all the time. Top 3 most disgusting things a human can do. Like almost to the point where anyone who does it should get a psychiatric evaluation. Just shows the power of the male sex drive I suppose. Sometimes you just need to pound your dick to completion in a filthy plastic shit box.
Commenter: tvdefrancesco - I always wanted to get head from a girl in electric wheelchair. She’d just open her mouth and move the joystick back and forth
Sex with handicapped girls is always an entertaining topic of conversation, and imagining getting your dick suck by a broad just toggling her electric wheelchair joystick back and forth is an A+ fantasy. Best part about it would be busting your nut and being like “well I gotta go. I’d invite you but the place I’m going isn’t wheelchair accesible. See ya.”
Commenter: cantgetthestinkout - Because he’s black I bet that he finds a way to use up his “free burgers for life” deal before he dies.
I’ll be honest. I’m not 100% sure what this means. All I know is that it’s racist and it made me laugh. Best I can explain it.
Commenter: pittsburgh1425 - The best is when a chick is standing on the platform at a spot where two trains meet, and she has to pick the car to her left or to her right. If she picks the car that you are walking in, she is DTF. It’s science.
I think this exact same thought every time I get on the train. Like she chose my side, she obviously wants the dick. Science indeed.
Commenter: pittsburgh1425 – My AOL chatroom game was on point. I didn’t just ask for “a/s/l,” I was asking “a/s/l/pics?” If you got a “15/f/pa/yes,” the pants came directly off.
Man did this bring me back. The good old days of trading pics in lesbian chatrooms, a/s/l all day just knowing you were talking to guys but it didn’t matter as long as they delivered with the goods. (Two A+ comments on one blog, gold star)
Commenter: jimmy franchise – she looks like a fierce little minx. the type of chick that would totally laugh at my dick if i showed her it
Self deprecating is often the best kind of humor. And doesn’t it suck when you see an absolute next level smokeshow and your first thought is “Nope, I could never handle that.” Depressing, but all we can do is laugh I suppose…
Zero good comments this week.
I love an underdog! With a score of 5.65, contender Floppy has officially dethroned Mermaid Amber for the GTA Title! It was a tight match, but that ass just wouldn’t be denied. It’s too dominant. Too perfect. Too heavenly. It’s what ass dreams are made of.
So congrats to Floppy, the new champion. Viva la Argentina! Viva la Stool!
MYRTLE BEACH — Myrtle Beach police charged a North Carolina woman with indecent exposure after officers warned her about wearing a thong swimsuit along Ocean Boulevard, according to an arrest report. Tiara Monique Garness, 22, of High Point, N.C., was arrested at 5 a.m. Friday in the 1700 block of Ocean Boulevard, according to an arrest report. Officers charged her with the misdemeanor offense after she was warned twice by officers to cover up. Garness remained jailed at the Myrtle Beach Jail 7:30 a.m. Friday on $469 cash bond, according to jail records.
I love this story. It shows that Myrtle Beach police have their priorities straight. Obviously if some smoke is walking down the street with her ass hanging out for the world to see, that’s perfectly fine. Officers don’t say a peep and just let that ass carry on with it’s day. But if you have an unsightly rear that’s making zero dicks hard, you better cover that shit up or your going to jail. It’s the way of the world. Good looking women can do whatever they want while ass dumpy hoes like Tiara Monique Garness need to have their outfits regulated. It’s really about making the beach an enjoyable environment for everyone. The more swimsuit regulation we have on shitty dumpers in this country, the better.
Remember that this weekend girls. If your body makes little children clutch at their parent’s legs in fear, best to cover up. Hot chicks, get naked.
PS – You know how I know this broad has one of the grossest asses in America? Because she was arrested at 5 am when the streets were probably empty. That’s how you know it’s ugly back there. When cops are preemptively censoring your body.
Miami – Sun, sand, music and heightened security pretty much sums up Memorial Day Weekend on South Beach. The Miami Beach Police Department is currently preparing for the annual holiday weekend party, commonly referred to as Urban Beach Week, by beefing up security as much as possible. Cameras, both mobile and stationary, have been installed throughout the city. Ready to be deployed throughout the city of Miami Beach are a total of 62 light towers, twelve visual messaging boards and three watch towers. Roughly 400 officers per shift from multiple agencies will pack the streets of Miami Beach. In addition to extra bikes and ATVs, the Police Department has a new vehicle on loan referred to as an LTV. CBS 4 News had the exclusive first look at this 140-thousand dollar light tactical all-terrain vehicle, similar to the ones used in the military. But instead of war zones overseas, cops will use it to protect the city of Miami Beach. The camera uses infrared technology to detect heat signatures on the beach, so even in the dead of night, officers can see people on a small screen mounted inside the vehicle. Police will use license plate readers to quickly scan for stolen vehicles or owners with outstanding felony warrants. A massive DUI checkpoint is planned for the MacArthur Causeway heading into the beach on Friday night.
In case you don’t know, here’s the scoop on Urban Beach Week. Looks like a good time to me. Who doesn’t like hos and twenty-fos? Sure, Miami’s recent Memorial Day run hasn’t exactly been stellar, but the 2011 shooting & 2012 face-eating could’ve happened anywhere. I haven’t heard of any military-grade protection being deployed to Fire Island, the Jersey shore or whatever Figawi is. Is this a black thing? Because white people are dangerous too. Pissing in public is not to be taken lightly. Broken bottles & other vandalism could get someone hurt. And one of these days, a couple drunken bros threatening each other from 20 feet away might turn into a real slap fight. Just a little ridiculous that anything “urban” gets all the hype as being rough & tough with military LTV’s deployed like honkies are a bunch of pussies.
Source – Malone Village Police arrested a North Bangor man on Wednesday night after he allegedly became illegally intimate with a Sears employee’s shoe earlier in the week. Ronald Rock, 31, is charged with one misdemeanor count of public lewdness. Village police said Rock entered Sears on West Main Street in Malone on Monday and started a conversation with an unidentified female employee about her footwear. ”He liked her shoes and said he wanted to buy a pair for his mother,” Chief Christopher Premo said. Rock then asked the employee to remove her shoe so he could look at it up close and she acquiesced to his request, Premo said. At that point, Rock kneeled below the counter to where the cashier couldn’t see him, allegedly placed the shoe inside his pants, which he had unzipped, and masturbated with it. ”She was creeped out, so after he left they checked the tapes and saw it on surveillance video,” Premo stated. Rock is to answer to the lewdness charge in Malone Town Court on May 28. He could be sent to county jail for up to 90 days.
Here’s a little tip for all the ladies out there. Anytime a guy asks you to take of your shoe so he can inspect it closer, there’s like a 98% chance he’s going to have sex with it. Normal dudes don’t give two shits about girl’s shoes, and even if they’re buying them as a gift, they don’t care enough to ask you to remove your footwear to get a closer look. If that request is ever made to you, my advice is to walk away quickly. Because if you give in to his request then it’s almost a guarantee that he’ll be balls deep in your high heel before you know what hit you.
Like I’ve always said, there are no creeps quite like foot creeps.
These dykes are probably just jealous that nobody is beating off to them.
PS – So I guess all those moves and techniques I copied from lesbian porn aren’t really that effective?