Can You Get Ebola From A Bowling Ball?

 

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AskWell – New York Times:

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Is it me or does it sound like all the experts seem like they dont know what the fuck they’re talking about with Ebola? Like all I keep hearing about is how you cant catch ebola from this and you can’t catch ebola from that. Its extremely hard to transmit the disease and blah blah blah. Oh yea? Well then why the fuck is everybody getting ebola every day? Like OF COURSE you can catch ebola from a bowling ball. You can catch fucking ANYTHING from a bowling ball. Bowling balls are probably the most disease infested things on the planet earth. Everyone sticking their dirty ass fingers all up in there. Everyone sharing shoes. Hanging out in a place that has stale air from like 1970s. I mean if you wanna contract a disease go right to the bowling alley. You might skip over ebola altogether and catch yourself a nice little case of Bubonic.

Seriously enough with the experts. There was another Times article saying ebola is unlikely to spread on mass transit. I mean get the fuck out of my face with these lies. Yes, you can get ebola from a bowling ball. Yes, a crowded, dirty subway is going to spread ebola. These are just facts of life that I already know, no matter what the newspapers are telling me.

PS – This doctor is a real prick. Dude went all over fucking town. He rode 3 different subway lines, hung out at the High Line. Went to the bowling alley. Its like he did his best to pick all the places where you could potentially spread a disease as fast as humanly possible. Like “Oh hey I just ripped off my ebola scrubs, maybe I should go ride the most crowded interconnected mass transit system in the world, visit a high foot traffic tourist attraction, and go to a social hang out where everything is communal and everyone touches and uses the same stuff. Sounds safe to me!

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 10:27 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Olivia

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Introducing Olivia from New York now at USC.  Makes sense to go to the west coast when you look like this.  Just an absolute dime to end the smokeshow week in NYC.

 

Know any smokes? Rep your school and email a name and Facebook link to beardobarstool@gmail.com

 

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By beardo posted October 23rd, 2014 at 5:45 PM

Ebola Hits NYC, For Real This Time. Maybe.

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NY Post – The Big Apple may have its first case of Ebola. A 33-year-old Doctors Without Borders physician who treated Ebola patients in Guinea and returned to New York City 10 days ago was rushed in an ambulance with police escorts from his Harlem home to Bellevue Hospital on Thursday, sources said. Craig Spencer was suffering from Ebola-like symptoms — a 103-degree fever and nausea, sources said.  Clad in hazmat suits, FDNY hazardous materials specials sealed off his fifth-floor apartment. Cops blocked off West 147th Street between Broadway and Amsterdam after he was taken to the hospital, witness Oscar Nunez said. “EMS HAZ TAC Units transferred to Bellevue Hospital a patient who presented a fever and gastrointestinal symptoms,” the Health Department wrote in a statement. Spencer had been working with Doctors Without Borders in Africa, treating Ebola patients in Guinea, sources said.

Obviously if I had my way, nobody would ever be allowed to go to Africa ever again. If I ran for President right now, that would be my whole platform. No Americans are allowed to come back to the US after going to Africa. Now, thats not realistic. Thats not going to happen. Idiots will always go to disease riddled third world countries and continents for all sorts of dumb ass reasons. “Travel the world” and “help others” and all that jazz. Dumb, but unavoidable. So my Plan B is pretty simple – we make a new island off the east coast of America. Lets put it somewhere in the middle of the eastern seaboard so that its equidistant to everyone in the north and the south. Let say right near the Carolinas or so, a couple hundred miles away from land. As a matter of fact, lets use this Hamilton Island:

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What the fuck island is that? I’ve never heard of Hamilton Island. Nobody goes there. Thats the spot.

When you come back from Africa, you have to hang out there for like a month in some sort of isolated lab sorta thing. If you show no signs, you get to continue on home. If you have ebola, you are condemned to live on that island forever. Go hang out with all your other Ebola Buddies. It will be like online dating for people that have herpes. Everyone is in the same boat so you can all just hang out and talk about your common ground. How stupid you were to go to Africa and how you wish you never went. And then you just live out your days amongst all the other idiots with ebola and you dont infect the population.

We’ll rename it Ebola Island. And the purpose is 2 fold – 1) obviously the isolation and monitoring and quarantining will keep the spread of the disease contained. And 2) it will deter people from taking that trip to Africa anyway. If you have to spend a month on an island called “Ebola Island” upon returning from your trip from Africa you’ll probably say to yourself “is this really worth it?” and most likely cancel that trip altogether.

Wanna go to Africa? Check your lease, man! Because your living on Ebola Island!

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PS – Let me just explain what happened on this Hamilton Island disaster. I googled “eastern seaboard map” and had the intention of just drawing Ebola Island in the middle of the ocean. But this popped up and I saw this “Hamilton” shit. So I googled Hamilton Island. Which is, in fact, an island. Its just off the coast of Australia. I didnt bother to read that part. I also didnt realize the other names on the maps were capitals. I ALSO thought Bermuda was further north than that. Long story short thats the perfect storm for me to think there was a place called Hamilton island off the coast of the Carolinas. I am a disaster with geography so I just never trust any sort of instincts. My detective work told me that was Hamilton Island. Never heard of it, but thats because I’m retarded geographically. Oh well. Whatever. The Ebola Purgatory Island Idea still stands.

 

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 4:40 PM

Badass World War II Vet From NJ Makes His Own Norse-Style Ship With One Arm And Gets A Viking Funeral At Sea

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NY Daily News-  The doors to Valhalla are open to a New Jersey veteran given a Viking funeral by the U.S. Coast Guard. The funeral pyre launched at sea carried the ashes of Andrew Haines, an 89-year-old World War II veteran whose final wishes requested the burial of his Norwegian heritage, according to the Navy Times. The veteran and retired commercial fisherman, who emigrated from Norway in 1927, died in late August of natural causes, but not before spending a decade constructing a scaled-down replica of a Viking ship that would carry his memory. He managed to build the longship with only one arm after losing the other in a 1975 boating accident. The Coast Guard with Station Atlantic City kept the Norse tradition alive with a flare to ignite the boat carrying his ashes and wood shavings during its Sept. 29 launch about three miles off the coast, the Navy Times reported.

You know how they say that the people who fought in World War II were part of “The Greatest Generation”?  Well Andrew Haines can rest knowing he did his part to maintain the good name of his peers.  A World War II vet that built a Norse longship while in his 80s is already significantly manlier than anyone I know.  But to build the ship with one arm and then have a Viking funeral at sea on said ship is fucking HARDCORE.

I have friends who complain about putting together an Ikea table with the help of their girlfriends.  But Old Man Haines was just crushing life and building ships with one arm.  We need our national image to be more about guys like Andrew Haines and less about people who watch the Kardashians as they sip their pumpkin lattes.  That would give those ISIS assholes something to think about before they pulled some more bullshit from their sand castles.  Andrew Haines, American hero.  Rest in peace.

KFC Editors Note: I published this blog for 2 reasons. 1) The line about putting together Ikea tables with girlfriends. Thats fucking hilarious and so accurate. 2) I’ve been watching Vikings. I’m almost done with season 1. I started watching it on the plane ride home since I didnt have anything else and I’m fucking hooked. Its on the History Channel but its like a real TV show. So so awesome. Vikings were some seriously nasty motherfuckers. 

By theclemreport posted October 23rd, 2014 at 4:10 PM

Fox News Host And Former VS Models Say Hot Young Chicks Are Ignorant Should Not Be Able To Vote

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Daily Mail – Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle thinks that young, attractive women should be excused from voting so they could devote their time to online dating. Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of former San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, a Democrat, appeared on The Five along with her four-co-hosts Tuesday to discuss the challenges the Republican Party has been facing in swaying young women to vote conservative. When Guilfoyle’s fellow panelist Greg Gutfield suggested that married, older women tend to vote Republican because ‘with age comes wisdom,’ the 45-year-old former California prosecutor launched into a tirade calling out younger women for their perceived ignorance.  ’It’s the same reason why young women on juries are not a good idea. They don’t get it!’ Guilfoyle fumed. She then added that her younger peers don’t have the proper ‘life experiences’ such as raising children, paying bills, or dealing with real-world issues like mortgage, crime and health care, to perform their civic duties.

Well, shes certainly not wrong. I’m actually pretty much on board with everything she said. I mean of course there are exceptions in any situation. Generalizations and stereotypes aren’t 100% accurate. I’m sure there are some hot girls out there who go to Stanford and are political science majors who can debate all sorts of social and economic issues. Understand all the issues and are qualified to vote and decide on them. But generalizations and stereotypes exist for a reason. And sexy young chicks, generally speaking, are gonna be pretty dumb. And if they’re not dumb, they still dont come close to giving a shit about major issues in society. I’d say the same for young dumb guy too. Like I dont think I should be able to vote or anything either. Just leave that shit up to the people who really know what they’re talking about. I’d say conservatively speaking 99% of the population absolutely does not deserve to have their opinions heard on anything, let alone complex issues we face as a country.

And the same thing can be said for the comment about the jury. The litmus test is if you’re the one on trial. Would you want some Instagram slut on the jury? Some chick who is taking courtroom selfies, probably hasnt listened to a word anyone has said, and the words they have listened too they dont understand? I wouldnt want her deciding my fate anymore than some idiot blogger like myself.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that hot chicks, and pretty much the vast majority of civilization, is stupid, uninformed, and ignorant and we shouldnt really rely upon them for anything.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 3:00 PM

Chick Steals NYC Tourist’s $25,000 Rolex And Hides It In Her Vagina

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NYDN She could do some time for this. A 25-year-old woman snatched an Australian tourist’s $25,000 Rolex and hid it in her vagina after an early morning hookup in a Manhattan hotel room, officials said. Brenton Price was getting a massage from Shacarye Tims in his room at the Holiday Inn in Chelsea about 5:30 a.m. Oct. 19, after meeting her at a bar, police said. “I just innocently picked up a girl at a bar and got robbed,” Price said when reached in California. “I was a tourist,” he told the Daily News. “I met someone and got robbed. I helped catch the criminal.” A source said Tims also had priors in other states, including a prostitution arrest in Las Vegas. Price put his Yacht-Master II Rolex on the nightstand at the 125 W. 26th St. hotel after Tims complained it was scratching her, police sources said. When he noticed the Rolex was missing about 10 minutes later, Tims suggested that it might have fallen behind the nightstand, cops said. As Price searched, Tims tried to hightail it out of the hotel but the Aussie caught up with her in the lobby. She smacked him repeatedly in the face “causing him to suffer swelling and bruising,” according to the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office.  A female cop told prosecutors she saw Tims take the Rolex “out of her vaginal cavity and hand it to me,” the criminal complaint states. Tims, of Georgia, is charged with robbery and grand larceny. She was held on a $10,000 bond at Rikers Island, records show. Her next court appearance is set for Oct 24. Her lawyer, David B. Epstein, said cops “bullied” her to hand over the pricey timepiece.

Shacarye picked the WRONG tourist to fuck with. This obviously ain’t Brenton Price’s first rodeo. Guy can probably spot a Rolex smuggling vagina a mile away. Just look at that picture with all those strippers. Guy looks like a polished version of John Kruk. Dude has probably lost 4 or 5 Rolex’s to vaginas all over the world at this point. Knows exactly how to spot the next one. Getting a massage in your hotel room from a chick named Shacarye and your 25 thousand dollar watch goes missing? Check her pussy. I guess the real lesson is never take your watch off when you’re a tourist in a foreign town clearly paying a chick for sex.

PS – Gotta be weird when you get that watch back right? I mean its worth 25 large, there’s no way you are just ditching that timepiece. But every time you glance down at your wrist to check the time, you’re gonna be thinking…that was inside the vagina of a woman named Shacarye.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 2:00 PM

The Definitive List Of Rich People Candy

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Well we already exposed all the Poor People Candy. Admittedly the argument got skewed a bit. The label of “Poor” was meant to mean more like “reject.” All those candies are the bootleg, no name, reject candy that gets left at the bottom of the bowl at Halloween. You egg the house of the person who gives you those candies. And even if you like some of those candies, you need to have enough self awareness to understand you’re chowing down on scumbag candy. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all slum it sometimes. But you need to understand that not all candy was created equal.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are the bougie candies. The fancy candy. High society, pinkies up, “gourmet” candy. And just like some of the poor people candy may be tasty, the fancy people candy can taste like shit. Candy is almost like a bottle of wine – you dont need to be the asshole buying the $300 bottle to get a tasty wine. The best candy is just the quality chocolate bars and candies at the register at CVS. But these are the stuffy, bougie candies that cake eaters eat. (Note: like 90% is chocolate because chocolate is the Cadillac of candy)

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Toblerone. What the fuck is Tolberone? I’ll tell you right now to your face if you eat a triangle shaped chocolate bar, I don’t trust you as a human being. Thats some Illunimati shit or something. Absolutely no reason to make a chocolate bar triangular unless you’re trying to be an asshole. And I love the “of Switzerland” dig at the bottom. Hey Toblerone suck my dick. I’d rather eat a Milky Way any day of the week over you. I dont even know how to pronounce you. Tober-lone? Toe-blay-rone? Toe-bull-roni? Get the fuck out of here. Yesterday on Twitter someone said his dad used to bring this home for him after business trips and thats exactly what Toblerone is. Just some bougie chocolate that your absentee father uses to try to buy your love.

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Are we talking about a chocolate bar or an Italian artist from the Renaissance? Christ almighty. And I dont like anything described as “Intense Dark.” Sounds like an interracial porn website that I want no part of. Tahitian Treasure? Spicy Pican? Get lawst, Ghirardelli.

Godiva

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The most popular of all bougie chocolates. No doubt delicious, its just a matter of whether or not you have 50 bucks to spend on a box of assorteds and 2 chocolate covered strawberries. I remember when I was a kid I’d get this shit for my girlfriends on Valentine’s Day and what not. I’d break the fucking bank every time. I’d be giving them like a $40 piece of jewelry and $50 worth of overpriced chocolates. Anytime you’re getting candy from a storefront in the Westchester mall thats in between stores like Armani and Gucci you know you’re spending too much money on chocolate.

Lindt

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Here’s another one I cant even really say. Lint? Lind-int? How are you supposed to pronounce a -dt? Anyway Lindt is known for their truffles. Even though chocolate truffle has absolutely nothing to do with the fancy expensive mushrooms I still feel like they go hand in hand. Truffle = expensive as fuck. I mean just look at this Lindt asshole:

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You think you’d ever see a Hershey’s “chef” posing like this? Fuck no. And all this “Dark cocoa” stuff can take a hike. Its like they try to make their candy as bitter as possible to seem classy.

Gold Coins

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I’m so fancy! I fucking love the chocolate gold coins in the net bag. Always made me feel like a pirate or Scrooge McDuck with gold coins. Not even really sure where these came from? I dont remember I got them. They always just appeared. Maybe in Easter baskets? Which brings me too…

Cadbury

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I’m pretty sure Prince William and Prince Harry spent their teenage years throwing their loads inside Cadbury eggs. Absolutely disgusting. Fuck Cadbury eggs, fuck the Royal Family, and fuck England. Bougie shit.

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I’m sure in reality these arent very expensive or fancy, but when you’re in the hotel wearing the robe and using the jacuzzi bath and then they put these little fuckers on your pillow, you cant help but feel like high society.

After Eight Thinmints

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After Eight’s make Andes look like that one friend poor friend you had in elementary school. Almost bumps Andes down to the Poor Candy list. I feel like after a polo match and dinner with duck as the main entree, you serve After Eight mints. Maybe even sneak a couple before your polo match and tea time with cucumber sandwiches

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You ever eat these little fuckers? Little bottles of chocolate filled with booze? Some Grand Marnier chocolates all wrapped up in a little baby bottle. So bougie.

 

Lemondrops

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Any time your candy comes inside a fucking tin canister, you know thats some rich people shit. These are like the Altoids of candy. Metal case with wax paper treating these goddam lemondrops like they are gold nuggets. Relax, Cavendish & Harvey. Its just candy.

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The layman’s Godiva. Still bougie in its own right. My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates, sometimes you pick the one thats dark chocolate filled with some sort of blackberry jelly that tastes like absolute SHIT. Seriously I’d say that about 2 chocolates in an entire assorted box are actually tasty. There’s like one milk chocolate one and one that has some caramel and the rest are all fucking gross. Just because it comes in a box with a bow doesnt mean shit.

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Dove is just fancy all around. Whether we’re talking about the soap company Dove or the chocolate. Again like the truffles, absolutely zero connection but in my mind there is. Just creamy, soft, smooth Dove products. Dove ice cream bars are legit as fuck but again, you need like 9 dollars for one. You can buy the entire ice cream truck for the cost of one Dove bar.

 

 

 

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Disgusting. Flat out revolting. Cherries are awful. In any variation. Candies, pastries, sodas. Cherry is for the birds. Just tastes like cough medicine. You can cover it in chocolate and wrap it up in fancy foil but there’s no hiding your deep dark secret. At the middle of this candy is a disgusting cherry and you cant fix that.

Ferrero Rocher

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To be honest I dont even know what this is. But everyone is telling me I need to include it so if we’re gonna call a list Definitive you gotta have it all. But this is so fancy I’ve never even had one.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 12:07 PM

Plain Clothes Cop Kicks NYPD Officer Right In The Head During Arrest

GothamistA plainclothes NYPD officer kicked a uniformed officer in the head during a rough arrest in a Coney Island subway station earlier this year. The misguided kick is so forceful you can actually hear it above the cacophony erupting from the arrest. After realizing he kicked a fellow officer, the unidentified cop kindly rubs his colleague’s head, then punches the suspect in the face. DNAinfo reports that officer McKickacoppy was stripped of his gun and badge after the video surfaced. After his arrest, the suspect “pleaded guilty to a reduced charge and his case has been sealed.”

Direct hit, you sunk my battleship. What a perfect kick right to the fucking head. Steel toe Timbs right to the skull. Really, who needs to take the time to figure out who’s brain they are kicking, right? Thats kinda the whole point of being a cop. You get to run red lights. You get to park wherever you want. And when it comes to kicking people in the head you can kick whoever you want. Police brutality for everyone! Friends, foe. Enemies, colleagues. Whatever. Just make a guestimate on who the real criminal is and go Adam Vinatieri on his noggin.

PS – Love the little head rub afterwards in the middle of the scuffle. Just like you do to a little kid when they bang their head on the counter. Rub it real hard that will make it feel better buddy!

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 11:10 AM
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