Barstool Sports

I don’t have any cash and I’m probably gonna play dead soon, but sure lets have another dance!

Huff Po – Robert Gene White, a 67-year-old man, received several lap dances at a Texas strip club Friday night, and when it came time to pay, workers found him unresponsive, KVIA reported. A manager of the Red Parrot in El Paso says employees tried to perform CPR on him, but were unsuccessful. KTSM reported that White suffered a heart attack while being entertained by the dancers. El Paso Sheriff’s deputies told the station that there were no immediate signs of foul play, but the investigation is still open.

These Texas strippers didn’t really let him get away with this, did they? Dude is conveniently “dead” when it came time to pay for his lap dances? Yea. Sure. Its called playing possum you dumb dancing whores. And Bobby Gene White probably unzipped that body bag a few miles down the road, sat up, and rubbed one out in the back of the ambulance to relieve the 5 free lap dances worth of blue balls he was rockin.

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Fox News – The 2012 Preakness will feature Grammy Award-winning artists, all-you-can-drink beer, and a “party manimal” with a unicorn-man sidekick. Oh, and a horse race. Four years after organizers failed to transform Maryland’s most famous race into a family-friendly event, the Preakness is stepping up efforts to preserve its self-proclaimed “best party in Baltimore” status.  In need of an attendance boost, the Preakness abandoned its family-first outlook and re-emphasized the party atmosphere in 2010. Organizers chose “Get Your Preak On” as the cornerstone of their new, social-media marketing campaign. “The ‘Get Your Preak On’ campaign was edgy and controversial,” Chuckas said. “It put us on the map.” To sports marketing experts, the move indicated that the Maryland Jockey Club was more concerned with attendance than the race’s image. “The Preakness has made it known where they stand on their campaign. They are looking to fill the seats, and they have done so in lieu of their reputation,” said Ronald Oswalt, CEO of Sports Marketing Experts, a consulting firm. That year, organizers also introduced a special infield “MUG Club” ticket that included a bottomless mug of beer. “(In 2008) any individual could come to the Preakness loaded up with a keg of beer and 20 cases of beer,” Chuckas said. “We’ve provided the MUG Club … You can drink all day. As far as the best party, it’s a deal you can’t beat.” The MUG Club allows the infield to function much like a bar. Bartenders have the ability to cut people off, leading to fewer hospitalizations and injuries. “It was a wise decision by race personnel to make that change, and everyone seems to have a more enjoyable time. It’s a much classier event,” Gulielimi said, noting there were no arrests last year.

Score one for the good guys! For the fun people of the world! The common folk of the world who just wanna get a little boozy, make some memories, and maybe make a baby as horses run around in circles. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this world, its that people don’t like things that suck. And transforming one of the best parties on earth to a family friendly horse race most definitely sucks. The people at the Preakness temporarily lost their minds and drank the “Nobody should have fun in this world” Kool Aid and thought by shutting down the booze show at their horse race they were gonna change the world. And 4 years later do you know what they realized? They realized there are still tons of college kids getting shitfaced, throwing beers at each other, fighting and scrapping with each other, and getting arrested all over the country. The only difference was now their horse race sucked and they weren’t making any money.

Its like the whole media fiasco surrounding the Blackout Tour. Whether its the Blackout Tour or somewhere else, college kids are gonna drink and have sex. Whether its at a sold out concert featuring Dante and the Dream Team or a crowded frat party or crowded bar or another concert or event, any time you get a bunch of college kids together there are unfortunately gonna be a few altercations. Just the nature of getting a few thousand people together under any circumstances. It was that way before the Blackout Tour existed and it will be that way long after us. So in the meantime, we’re doubling down on the Blackout, unleashing the Fuckin Foam Tour and we’re gonna throw the funnest parties imaginable. Because just like the Preakness, we wanna give the people what they want and knock it out of the park.

Viva La Preakness! Viva La Stool! And Viva La Kegasus!

Gizmodo - A self-proclaimed Meat Geek has teamed up with Oklahoma State University to devise the first new style of steak in years. “The Vegas Strip Steak is the latest and perhaps last steak to be found from the beef carcass,” said Jacob Nelson, a value-added meat processing specialist (and owner of the best job title of all time) at the Robert M. Kerr Food & Agricultural Products Center of Oklahoma State University. The Vegas Strip is the brainchild of Tony Mata, of industry group Mata & Associates, who approached Nelson and the FAPC for help developing the cut. “Initially, the cut was labeled as undervalued,” Mata told the Drovers Cattle Network. “Whenever we can take a muscle and turn it into a steak rather than grinding it or selling it as a roast, we are adding value to the carcass.” The steak itself weighs in at about 14 ounces and can be portioned out as small as 4 ounces. The taste, tenderness, and flavor are reportedly akin to a New York Strip or Flat Iron cut. “The tenderness of the Vegas Strip Steak is comparable to the New York Strip Steak,” said Mata. “It does not require aging or marinating to achieve tenderness and its visual appeal enhances the steak eater’s overall enjoyment.” Mata and Gresh have yet to reveal where, exactly, the cut comes from but they’ve already lined up national suppliers so we should be getting a taste of Vegas at the local butcher shop soon.

A new steak! Its a science miracle! This is like when they discover a new planet in our solar system or some shit. Sitting there right in front of our eyes the whole time and we just didn’t know it existed. The Vegas Strip Steak. The Final Frontier of the beef carcass. I feel like the Vegas Strip Steak is like Bert Blyleven finally making the Hall of Fame. After years and years and years the Vegas Strip Steak finally joins the exclusive club. Like Sandy Koufax is the filet and Cy Young is the sirloin, and now, Bert Blyleven, the Vegas Strip Steak made from the muscle of cattle, is officially declared a steak and can join his peers in the Hall.

I’ll give it a whirl. If I’m sitting down to a real steak dinner, I am exclusively a filet mignon kind of guy. Meaning if I’m at a steakhouse or I am going somewhere specifically for steak. There’s just nothing that lives up to the tenderness and taste of a filet. If I’m at an ordinary restaurant or a more casual place, I can get down with a strip steak. My family ate London Broil my whole life growing up, so I got a place in my heart for that steak too. But I’m down for to try some Vegas Strip Steak. That description actually didn’t sound so appealing – sounds like its muscle that should be ground up but somehow they turned it into a steak. But short of inventing a whole new genre of alcohol or a whole new version of the donut, a brand new steak is big news for me.

PS – Being a steak specialist has gotta be an absolutely tremendous job. Like brewing beer but with steak instead.

ABC - For 19-year-old Emma Riehl, attending her college classes is a form of torture. But she doesn’t blame the subject matter or the homework. Riehl lives with a rare and still mostly unknown condition called misophonia. Meaning “hatred of sound,” misophonia makes it difficult to tolerate everyday sounds such as  chewing, coughing, even breathing. Those who have it  find the noises so intrusive they can’t remain in the same area as the person making them. Unlike people who find these noises merely irritating, people with misophonia have an extreme reaction that often leads to lives of isolation. The specific sounds of sniffling and chewing make Riehl feel anxious, distressed and violent. In her video diary, she describes her daily struggle to overcome the rage she feels whenever she hears these “trigger” sounds. ‘Immediately after hearing one of my triggers, I become enraged, I become very hot, tingly, anxious,’ she explained in her video diary assigned by ABC News’ 20/20. ‘There are about 25 kids in this class, and five of them have colds, so it’s pretty hard for me to deal with.’ Unable to participate in the typical college social scene, she lives alone and constantly wears headphones. There is no cure for misophonia, but Riehl believes that eating a healthy diet and keeping to a strict schedule of exercise help  her ease the stress caused by her condition. Although there has been limited research, some experts believe misophonia has a genetic link and could result from a neurological defect.

So let me get this sraight – this bitch hears sick people sniffling snot all over the place and fat people breathing heavy and slobs chewing like a horse and she “hates” it? Yea toots no fucking kidding. There’s about 6 billion people on the planet who suffer from that disease. I also hate when I’m chewing potato chips and can’t hear the television over the crunch and I hate nails on a chalkboard and silverware squeaking on a plate but you don’t see me putting on a pair of headphones and hiding in my room like some sort of special needs tard, do you?

I’ll tell you what though, if I go to college with this chick I am putting in the work to bang her for sure. I’d strap on a pair of headphones and hang out in silence with her pretending to be some pain in the ass misophonia victim until she wanted to try and have some silent sex with me. You know how many weird noises there are when you fuck? Balls slapping off butt cheeks and asses slapping off stomachs and grunting and moaning. That would drive this broad fucking insane. Get her “hot and tingly and anxious” and rile her up to the point that she straight up hate fucks me. Just fuck the shit out of my loud inconsiderate dick. Its a win-win really – you live the rest of your life with her in silence and then during sex she hate fucks your dick off. Broads with misophonia are the perfect girlfriends.

I know this is gonna sound stupid and pretty pathetic, but this was one of the best Mets moments in years. This team and this franchise has been lifeless and heartless for years now. Just floating through the season year after year since like 2008 underachieving with zero passion and zero fire. So seeing David Wright and Terry Collins, the two biggest reasons for the early success from this young home grown Mets team, going at it in the dugout brings a smile to my face. The team’s captain and the team’s general going toe to toe in front of all the troops, all in the name of competition.

To be perfectly honest, I understand where both guys were coming from in this situation. I love the leadership and aggression from Wright. As the veteran leader and unofficial captain of this team, he didn’t want special treatment. Wanted to step right up there and take his lumps just like anybody else on his team would have to. On the flip side, Terry Collins has gotta think big picture here – DW is the only legitimate proven bat on that team. He’s leading the league in batting and he’s the only guy he can rely on day in and day out. Can’t afford to lose him in an 8-0 blowout with the way this team has been playing behind Wright’s leadership. It was a fascinating display of the unwritten rules of baseball and the mindset of a player and a manager and all the nuances of baseball that I love.

But more importantly, as I said earlier, it was heart and passion that I never expected to see this year. That’s part of the reason I doubted them going so drastically going into this season. I’m not a huge fan of intangibles in the game of baseball but with such a collection of young, impressionable players, I think some fiery leadership can really play a role in bringing out the best of everyone in that clubhouse. For weeks now I’ve been wonder if this roster of rookies and no names could keep competing at the level they’ve shown so far this season – if they’re following DW and Terry Collins’ example, I don’t see why not. I was the biggest doubter of all and those two have me believin.

Plus

Equals surefire nausea/internet gold

First thing’s first, lets address this morning’s debacle. Huge swing and a miss from myself and Gumdrop. We tried to do something different because ordinarily there aren’t two bloggers writing one post, but it was pretty much as big of a failure as Barstool has ever seen. Real time back and forth banter just doesn’t translate into blogging. Going forward you’ll just see normal blogs from each of us.

Now, on to the gambling. When two teams meet up for a Superbowl, championship or an important playoff series, it’s not uncommon to see the political big wigs of each city step up to the wagering table and make a little bet.  Since I’m the self-proclaimed Poet Laureate of Ranger Nation and Gumdrop is the obese embodiment of the common Devils fan, it only seems appropriate that we gamble what’s left of our internet dignity on the outcome of this Eastern Conference Final.

Now I know what I want if the Rangers win.  Did I say “if”?  I meant “when”.  WHEN the Rangers win, I’m going to gather every piece of Blueshirt clothing I can get my hands on and have the Gum to do a little outfit modeling in the style of Melanie Inglesias’ famous flip books.  He’ll walk in with his barely-fits Devils jersey on and be forced to change into and out of way-too-small Rangers wear while the entire internet pukes all over its collective keyboard.  Probably unwatchable but pure gold nonetheless.  I told Gumdrop to come up with something equally as diabolical and embarrassing, but he’s apparently too busy reading take out menus like they’re romance novels so no counter-bet has yet been proposed.

Since you stoolies have such a knack for suggesting demeaning activities for others to go do, I figured we should open up ideas in the comment section and see what twisted schemes you slobs can conjure up. So have at it, Devils fans and general Osgood-haters. Come up with the most creative punishment possible for me if the Devils win. Not that any of it will matter -  my Rangers will bail me out of whatever psychotic suggestion gets the Gum’s approval anyways…

@Osgood_StoolNYC vs @GumdropNJD

Introducing Brittany from Harrison. I had zero smokes in the cupboard and then I found Brittany. Like an angel from above. A sexy, Playboy-bunny-Blackout-smokeshow-with-a-killer-body angel.

I can’t wait to make a 20 picture gallery of a fat New Jersery Devils fan for you guys tomorrow. Smokeshow nominations were downright insulting yesterday after I told you I needed help. If you don’t nominate em, I can’t smoke em. Step your game up, Stoolies. You’re what make this website the best smut empire on the internet. Email KFC@barstoolsports.com with first and last names and a facebook profile link if you got it.