Guess That Ass

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By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 12:50 PM

Little Beauty Queens Dropping F Bombs For Feminism

Phenomenal. Absolutely A+ all around. For the first time in my life I am 100% on board with feminism because of these little fucking bitches. Its amazing what happens when  you stop shoving your hairy pits in our face and drop the whole “everyone is all about female inequality” shtick and just have a sense of humor about things. I bet more people watch this and share this than any of the other stuffy, uptight, fucking annoying approaches feminists usually take. That little girl saying she shouldn’t need a penis to get paid has done more for the feminist movement than all the Jezebels and the KO Barstools combined.

PS – 100% these chicks grow up to be the slutty party chicks in high school and defeat the whole feminist purpose.

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Mike Vick Promoting New iPhone App For Prison Inmates To Connect With Loved Ones

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Is this real life? I double and triple checked that Mike Vick facebook page. It seems that its his official page. And here he is, the official spokesman for Connect Inmate. The dude has basically done everything he possibly could to distance himself from his past. Trying to put that all behind him. Move on from his incarceration. Separate Mike Vick the player from Mike Vick the criminal.

Unless of course the price is right, son! Cut me a check and I’ll promote your Tinder For Prison! I’m not exactly sure how this works because I was under the impression that prisoners in jail dont get to play with iPhones? I mean like even minimum security shit has a “No iPhones” rule right? Are there criminals in lock up swiping right and shit? Live tweeting life in jail? FaceTiming with their family and shit? I really dont even understand how Connect Inmate would work but its downright hilarious Vick is pumping it on his facebook page. “I was once in this position and God got me through it…but luckily you don’t need God anymore! You just need ConnectInmate.com! Check it out today before your sentencing!” Can’t knock the hustle!

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 11:11 AM

Renee Zellweger Says Her Face Looks Like A Completely Different Person Because She’s “Happy”

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Daily Mail – She shocked fans on Monday with her startlingly different face at the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards at the Four Seasons Hotel in California on Monday. But Renée Zellweger thinks all the web chatter about her so-called plastic surgery is ‘silly,’  ’It seems the folks who come digging around for some nefarious truth, which doesn’t exist won’t get off my porch until I answer the door,’ the 45-year-old Oscar winner told People on Tuesday.  ’I'm glad folks think I look different! I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows.’ The Case 39 actress – who’s been romancing Doyle Bramhall II since 2012 – said she’s spent the past few years ‘making a home,’ ‘loving someone,’ and ‘growing into myself.’ ’My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy,’ Zellweger insisted. 

How about Renee Zell-wedger giving us the old “I didnt get facial reconstruction surgery, I’m just happy!” Bitch you look like an entirely different human! No amount of yoga or carrot sticks or quote un-quote happiness is gonna make you look like you were genetically altered. I’m the Player Hater of The Year and if I all the sudden decided to just be happy go lucky I’m not gonna wake up looking like Brad Pitt. Like I just finally wrapped up the most expensive, stressful wedding in the history of matrimony and spent 10 days jetsetting around the Mediterranean and when I wake up I’m still looking like the same old guy. Still just Tom Brady’s retarded brother over here. My one eye ain’t waking up no matter how happy I am.

Its honestly insulting that a celebrity would try to pull this shit. Like its one thing when the Jewish girl in high school gets a nose job during the summer and comes back looking totally different and everyone just ignores the elephant in the room. Maybe, maybe, she says it was because of a sinus issue but for the most part those chicks just completely avoid explaining why their face is different altogether. But thats because she’s just a nobody in your high school. When you’re a celebrity and everyone knows what your fucking face already looks like, you can’t pull this shit. Just fucking admit to it. I don’t give a shit. Who cares? People spend thousands of dollars on clothes and make up and all sorts of other stuff in an effort to make themselves look better or prettier or sexier. Why not just spend the money directly on the cause of your ugliness and get surgery? Its 2014. We can fix stuff. Pay the money, fix the problem, and be happy. Just dont piss on my face and tell me it hasnt been surgically reconstructed.

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Last Night’s 30 For 30 “When The Garden Was Eden” Served As Proof That The Knicks Didn’t Always Suck Or Break Everyones Hearts

Well that was a pretty decent way to spend 90 minutes.  I have never been a huge Michael Rapaport fan, since he is usually all wound up and overexcited. But he seems to be a legit Knicks fan and this film was probably a labor of love.  From all the stories you hear, the early-70′s Knicks were the fucking bees knees when it came to watching hoops.  Nice ball movement, great teamwork, and every player mattered.  Plus they had personality and nicknames for days.  Clyde, Dollar Bill, Pearl, and even a young Zen Master.  

If we can’t get a documentary about all the crazy shit Phil Jackson and Walt Frazier did during the 70s in New York City, this was the next best thing. I loved almost everything about the “Winning Time” 30 for 30, and that ended with one of the biggest dick punches I have ever experienced as a fan. This doc was much easier to stomach.  

Some highlights:

Willis Reed once went HAM and beat the shit out of the entire Lakers team back in the day.  It was fucking incredible.

This guy saying whooooooa left a smile on my face for a solid 15 minutes

The Willis Reed Game 7 entrance still gives me goosebumps on top of my goosebumps.  If this happened in sports today, Twitter would break.  Fail whales for errrrybody.

Jerry Lucas is/was a certified madman, part 1

Jerry Lucas is/was a certified madman, part 2

Jerry Lucas is/was a certified madman, part 3

And finally, the Zen Master appears (who for the record, I fucking despised when he was the coach of the Bulls and Lakers. Team Van Gundy for life).

Once this 30 For 30 was over, I convinced myself that Phil Jackson will change the entire culture of the Knicks franchise and I will be attending a parade down the canyon of heroes in the next 5 years. But then I remembered that James Dolan owns the team and I sunk into a deep depression.  Finally, I found myself in a Knicks Youtube worm hole and landed on this video.

Knicks in 6 against a Western Conference team to be determined.  Go New York, Go New York, Go.

If you missed last night’s showing, you can set your DVR to record on Saturday, October 25th at 1:30am ET.

By theclemreport posted October 22nd, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Wake Up With India Reynolds

 

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By feitelberg posted October 22nd, 2014 at 9:00 AM

Awesome E:60 Feature On Travis Hamonic

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Click here for video

Pretty incredible TSN feature on The Hammer and how he lost his father unexpectedly at the age of 10. After every game Travis meets with young Isles fans who also have had the hardship of losing a parent and helps them cope with their loss. Long story short its water works city if you watch this. Just an amazing example of an athlete going above and beyond to give back to fans. The sort of feel good stories we need in sports, especially with all the awful stuff we’ve heard this past year.

By KFC posted October 21st, 2014 at 5:00 PM

Clem’s Casting Picks For Barstool Sports: The Movie

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After Super Producer BC released his gigantic laundry list of characters for Barstool Sports: The Movie, I knew I had to list my casting decisions.  So I went to the PicTriev Face Search website to see what they had to say on the matter.  I then made my decision based on the results.  Here are my casting picks.  And please remember:

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pres

 

Clem Picks: Federico Castelluccio just jumps off the screen at me.  He has the hair and the face for the part, and we can do something about the nose.  If he was able to add a heavy Italian accent as Furio in The Sopranos, he can transition to the accent of a Boston Blogger.  Get your pupcorn ready.

Kmarko

PicTriev Says:

kmarko

Clem Picks: There is not a lot of KMarko seen in front of the camera, so I think the top pick of Cody Longo should be fine.  

Feitelberg

PicTriev Says:

feits

 

Clem Picks: Lady Feitelberg, indeed.  The Feminine Meter is off the charts for Feits.  My #barstoolconfession is that I put up multiple pictures of Feitelberg in order to get a better set of results, but it always shot back 2-5 females.  One of the lists had Michael Rappaport as a possibility, so my answer is Young Michael Rappaport for Feits.  Think around the time Rappaport was Remy from Higher Learning.  Both looks-wise and racist-wise.  There would also be a role for Feitelberg in the movie, but he would be playing the role of his dog.

KFC

PicTriev Says:

kfc

 

Clem Picks: KFC came back from his honeymoon so he could be compared to Jeff Branson and Channing Tatum?  That’s not how his life goes.  I autocorrected PicTriev and went with Kevin Connolly.  You can follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport, as he will likely never let me blog for any of his sites again after that comment.

Big Cat (Early Barstool)

PicTriev Says:

bigcat11

 

Clem Picks: When Big Cat was just a kitten at The Stool, he had some life in his face.  So we are going to let the girls who actually see this movie get swooned by Nick Jonas playing the role of El Gato Pequeno.

Big Cat (Current)

PicTriev Says: 

bigcat2

 

Clem Picks: Again, I put in a billion different pictures to avoid having to use some random foreign actors for Big Cat.  But stache don’t lie.  If I had to pick one of these guys, I guess I would go with the surely wide range of Meka Skiranth.  But based on the picture of BC above, I am going to pick Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to play the pivotal role of El Gato Grande.

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By theclemreport posted October 21st, 2014 at 4:10 PM
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