ESPN The Magazine Did A Feature On Carmelo Anthony, Gave Knicks Fans More Reasons To Hate Him


ESPN The Magazine’s feature on Carmelo Anthony’s image and off-court dealings went up yesterday.  You can click here to read the article.  Below are some of the best (and/or worst) quotes from the piece:

Carmelo Anthony arrives a few minutes late to his second job, and he hurries into a back office to change out of his basketball uniform and into a sweater and loafers. “Sorry, sorry, a CEO should never be late,” he says, apologizing again to his staff of six, which assembled for this urgent meeting in Brooklyn at his request.

First off, anyone who apologizes for being late while also reminding you that he is the CEO is a Grade-A asshole.  We are off to a bad start.

Anthony purchased this office space about a year ago, even though he was still unsure what he wanted to do with it — still unsure what he wanted to do himself…. There is no hint that its current occupant is an NBA star. Anthony redecorated the walls with African art and a portrait of Albert Einstein.

Putting up a portrait of Einstein is such a Melo move.  If you do that, everyone will think that you are smart, right?  That’s like the kid in college who put up the poster of the two chicks making out on the keg to tell everyone he loves pussy and drinking.  OK, bad example.  That poster fucking rules.


“So who exactly is Carmelo Anthony?” asks the branding expert, Anthony Rodriguez, kicking off the meeting. “What do you want to be known for?”

“Are you a basketball player? A New York Knick? The league’s most unstoppable scorer?” Rodriguez asks.

“No way,” Anthony says. “This isn’t just about basketball. I hate just being known that way. It’s got to be bigger than that.”

This quote drove me bananas.  Melo, can we focus on the basketball side of your career for the next 5 seasons while you are still somewhat in your prime and the Knicks are paying you $20+ million each year?  Is that too much to ask?  Let’s try to make the playoffs in a weak-as-fuck Eastern Conference before attempting to become the next Warren Buffett.  Deal?

He just signed a five-year contract with the Knicks worth $124 million, forgoing a better chance to win a quick NBA title with the Bulls and instead staying with a lesser team that offered a longer, more lucrative deal. “I’ve got money. That’s not the problem,” he says. The problem as he sees it is that he is still defined mostly by what he lacks. No championships.

Let’s do this one SAT question style:

Having money is not the problem.  Not having a championship is the problem.  Which is the best way to solve the problem?

A. Take A LOT of money from a shitty team that won’t be competitive for a few seasons

B. Take a lot (but still considerably less) money from a team that is always competitive

C. Start a bunch of businesses and hope that no one notices you have never won a championship

D. Both A and C

(The answer is B unless you are Melo).

What set him on this quest for redefinition wasn’t losing in the first round of the playoffs eight times, or being called selfish or greedy, or being plastered on the back page of the New York papers a few hundred times under headlines like “Losers!” and “Stinko De Melo.” No, the thing that finally made him doubt everything he had or hadn’t done during his NBA career was the throwaway answer his 7-year-old son gave on a homework questionnaire, when asked to write a few sentences about what his father did for a living.

“Basketball player,” Kiyan Anthony wrote, and then he left the rest of the space blank.

First of all, if you ask a group of 7-year old kids what they want to be when they grow up, 90% of them will say “Basketball player”.  Melo is probably a God is his kid’s eyes, yet THAT was the moment the made him doubt everything he had done?  Second of all, Kiyan Anthony probably wrote that answer with a $5 million diamond crusted pencil that his dad could afford because he is a basketball player.  Third of all, fuck you Melo.  

By the way, “Losers!” was the perfect headline to describe last year’s Knicks team.

So early in 2013, as Anthony entered the last year of his contract with the Knicks, he began thinking not only about his next contract but about the future that awaits him after he stops playing. He studied other athletes — David Beckham, Andre Agassi, John Elway, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson — whose postcareer brands he admired and called some to seek advice. “How can I control my own reputation? How can my influence outlast my career?” he asked. Anthony says they all told him the same thing: Find one thing you’re passionate about and start building on that now.

A quick breakdown of those athletes’ professional careers:

David Beckham: 7 Championships

Andre Agassi: 8 Grand Slam Titles

John Elway: 2 Championships

Michael Jordan: 6 Championships

Magic Johnson: 5 Championships

But yeah, find something you are passionate about.  On-court success has absolutely nothing to do with off-court success or how the public perceives you. <Places gun in mouth>

Along the way he developed obscure high-end habits that tended to show off his wealth: Nicaraguan cigars. Italian top hats. Ascot ties. Rare red wines. Vintage sneakers. Installation art. Ralph Lauren and Gucci. He hired a New York stylist to buy his outfits and deliver them with personal instructions about when and how they should be worn.

Well at least that explains this fucking abortion.


And I guess Melo doesn’t subscribe to the LL Cool J motto of “Man made the money, money never made the man” from the criminally underrated Loungin’ Remix.  

He always has been a self-described gadget freak, traveling on road trips with two iPads and three pairs of headphones. 

Two iPads and three pairs of headphones on road trips?  HARDOOOO.

Late in October, after a preseason Knicks practice, Anthony pulls out his laptop and navigates to a site called CrunchBase. “This is where I spend most of my free time now,” he says. The Knicks are a few days away from opening the season, their first under new president Phil Jackson and his triangle offense and the 12th on which Anthony’s reputation seems to hinge. “People say every year is the one that will determine if I’m great or terrible, if I’ve met expectations or been a disappointment,” Anthony says. “To be honest with you, I’m tired of it.” He knows he is sensitive to what people think of him, and in earlier seasons he sometimes styled his play in a failed attempt to appease his critics. “I passed more if they said to pass more or shot more or whatever, and that’s no way to live,” he says. Now he has vowed to stop reading about himself in the newspaper or watching sports on TV. When his teammates turn on ESPN in the locker room, he logs on to CrunchBase.

This is our superstar, Knicks fans.  While LeBron is figuring out the exact amount of HGH to pump into his body without getting caught and Kobe is cycling his blood with pure Aryan plasma, Melo is hitting F9 to see how his investment in Lyft is doing.

“I really do love this city,” he says. “It’s the best city, but it’s also a tough-love place.” He arrived in New York as an eight-year veteran, but in some ways those first months in New York taught him how little he actually knew. He felt scrutinized in Denver, but everything intensified in New York: expectations, successes and failures, all played out every morning on the tabloids’ back pages. This is a place where fifth is never good enough and where his legacy is not just a private preoccupation but a citywide saga. He thought coming to New York would increase his influence and amplify his voice, but instead he now believes it mostly distorted it.

New York isn’t a place where fifth is never good enough.  New York is a place where second is never good enough.   It is really that simple.  If you win championships, you can keep the media at arm’s length while fucking every supermodel in the world (#Re2pect) or be wildly inconsistent for your whole career (Elisha Nelson Manning).  

If you don’t win, the media and fans will pick you apart, no matter how fair/unfair it is (Tri-captain, Number 33, PAT-RICK EWING!!!).  If that is too confusing or demanding for Carmelo, he should get the fuck out of NY as soon as possible.  Because it is only going to get harder as the years go by without a championship.

By theclemreport posted November 21st, 2014 at 3:30 PM

Asa Akira – Diehard Serial Fan

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Ok three things.

1) The internet is awesome. Twitter is the greatest invention of all time. And anyone who doesnt agree needs to look at me discussing a murder investigation podcast with one of the most famous porn stars of all time. If you dont think thats awesome, you’re a dick.

2) Asa Akira liking Serial is incredible. Asa Akira being Team Adnan and admitting that there’s a chance its just a sociopath playing everyone like a fiddle is even more incredible. Its like we’re kindred spirits.

3) “Do you want to come on my podcast and talk Serial?” is either the worst or the best game I’ve ever spit. Its the worst because I sound like the whitest goddam nerd on the planet. Its the best because A) it worked. And B) A chick who’s used to every dude saying they want to fuck her probably appreciates a change of pace.

More from Asa’s twitter, which is awesome. Shes a great follow. Real witty and clever. Just goes to show that even if you suck dick for a living you can still be funny on the internet.

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By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 2:30 PM

KFC Radio – Winter Is Coming

Subscribe to KFC Radio on iTunes || Subscribe to MailTime on iTunes

Download the free KFC Radio app – iPhone | Android

The gang is all back together as we’re all bracing for winter. We talk about a whole bunch of stuff – girls making more money than you, JO’ing in bed when your girlfriend turns you down, dudes wearing yoga pants, drunk pizza etiquette, and dickheads on social media. A lot going on. Kick back and let the good times roll.


By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 1:30 PM

GTA Best Of The Best, Season 4 Week 2 Voting Now Open!

Champion Morgan Hultgren

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Drew Kainalu

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Yes, I know both Pres and I posted this same GTA on the same day this week and now here she is again. But there’s a reason for all that. She’s got a prime time ass. I still dont think she’s even in the same stratosphere and capable of dethroning Morgan, but I’m not sure anyone on earth is.

Morgan may go wire to wire. Who knows.

Time to vote

Vote 1 for Champ Morgan, Vote 10 for Drew Kainalu

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (691 votes, average: 2.73 out of 10)
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By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 12:30 PM

Winnie The Pooh Banned From Polish Playground For Being A Half Naked Hermaphrodite

Screen Shot 2014-11-21 at 11.03.15 AM – WINNIE the Pooh has been banned from a local playground in Poland after outraged councillors declared his state of undress and “dubious sexuality” inappropriate for children. During a local council meeting in the small town of Tuszyn, the beloved bear’s attire and lack of genitalia were hotly debated by several councillors, who insisted Winnie the Pooh was an inappropriate role model for young children because he was a hermaphrodite. A leaked tape of the council meeting showed one councillor, a woman, saying: “Anyone who knows Winnie the Pooh knows he has no sex [genitalia]”. The counsellor was adamant that her peers should also be educated about the origins of poor hermaphrodite Pooh and his creator, AA Milne. “Ladies and gentleman, I would like to tell you a little about the author,” she declared. “When the author turned 60, he cut off his [Pooh’s] testicles with a rusty razor blade because of his own identity issues.” Councillor Ryszard Cichy compared Winnie the Pooh to a much-loved Polish bear, Misio Uszatek, who he said was a better choice as representative of the playground because he was fully dressed.  “Looking at both of these bears [Misio Uszatek and Winnie the Pooh] one is completely dressed while the other is only dressed from the top up,” Mr Ciszy said during the meeting. “It is half-naked, which means it is completely inappropriate for children”.  Another man compared Pooh’s “low intellect” to that of the councillors, saying: “Winnie the Pooh was a bear with low intellect, and unfortunately, this is also evident in those who are concerned with this topic”. “I’ve even written a poem that represents this discussion — ‘Winnie the Pooh is an alcoholic and a liar. He walks with no underwear and has cut off his testicles’.

Hey Pooh do you have a dick or a pussy? Do you even know? You low intellect idiot. Maybe you should put some goddam pants on and this wouldnt be an issue. I mean what kind of misfit walks around with just a shirt on? Even Donald Duck has the courtesy to put a hat on. You just strut around with your dickless, pussyless crotch out with a smedium t shirt on. Just showcasing that fat yellow ass all over the Hundred Acre Wood hoping Christopher Robin finally fucks you. Shitfaced off a pot of hunny with confused genitalia like some brainless pervert. Have some respect for yourself and the people around you, Pooh. At least Teddy Ruxpin has the courtesy to put his big swinging dick into a pair of shorts.

PS – If there’s anyone from the Hundred Acre Wood thats a hermaphrodite, its Rabbit. My mind was BLOWN when I found out Rabbit was a chick. I found out like last year. My whole life I thought Rabbit was a crotchety old man. Turns out shes just some C-word hare. And I dont even know what that little faggot Piglet is. Come to think of it, I’m not sure who has a dick and who has a pussy in the entire cast.

UPDATE: Rabbit is a dude. See I’m so twisted and backwards with the sexes of Winnie The Pooh I cant even keep my blogs straight

By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 11:30 AM

The Best Of Black Twitter Gallery Is Tremendous



“Kanye head look like the F-Zero Speed Ramp”


“thats no excuse for her hairline to look like its bout to lose in tetris”

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Full Gallery:

You all know my thoughts on Black Twitter. Its the most entertaining thing on the internet. Its better than Barstool. Its like a shade below porn. In between all the “bruhs,” “no chills,” “midas whales” and crying emojis is the funniest shit you can read. Sometimes its intentional, sometimes its unintentional, but black people are just so much funnier than white people. I have a theory that being able to casually drop N bombs in your tweets and jokes ups the funniness by like 1 or 2 points but in general they are just infinitely funnier than white people. Like this blog will be the perfect example – all the white people commenting will make jokes about not having dads and jobs and shit. All those same lame trite jokes. Meanwhile Black Twitter is calling Kanye’s head the F Zero Ramp and talking about haunted pussies. Just too goddam funny.

By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 10:30 AM

Doctors Say Yoga Pants Are Resulting In Many Cases Of Butt Acne For Girls

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NY MagAs everyone has been telling you, your yoga pants aren’t meant foreveryday wear. Your Lululemons might be to blame. As Dr. Tanzi explains, “People tell me, ‘I’m always in my yoga pants’. And I’m like, that’s not meant for every day!” You know it’s serious when a doctor tells you to give up the yoga pants. It works like this: Your yoga pants are tight. They’re sweaty. They stick to your butt when you sit or even when you’re not sitting. So does bacteria and sweat, which clog pores. Dr. Charles puts it this way: “Sweat that sits on the body for extended periods of time leads to the overgrowth of bacteria that can exacerbate acne.” As straightforward as the name implies, buttne is literally acne on your ass. “Dude, it’s a thing,” my friend told me when I asked about her embarrassing beauty problems. It’s a cruel world that permits congested butt pores to exist. Dermatologists I spoke to confirmed that it is, indeed, a real thing — and it’s getting worse as more and more patients seek dermatologists for treatment. “I have seen quite a bit of acne on the buttocks as of late,” said Dr. Carlos Charles, a dermatologist practicing in New York. Another, Dr. Elizabeth Tanzi, agrees: “We are seeing a lot more breakouts on the butt.” Below, everything you need to know to spot (and treat) acne on your bum.

You cant make an omelette without breaking a few eggs right? Thats the same thing here. Its having a great ass in yoga pants in exchange for getting some butt zits. I mean don’t get me wrong – pimples are you butt are gross. I want to stress that I’m not trying to minimize that. Dont want you girls running around thinking “KFC says ass acne isnt a big deal!” That shit is gross, son. But my point is thats just kinda the cost of doing business for strutting those cheeks around while they’re shaped perfectly by your Lululemons.

Here’s the way I view it – if we’ve reached the point where I’m peeling those pants off, I’m probably not gonna be disappointed with whats about to follow. A few imperfections here and there on your ass isn’t going to matter if its smashing off my hips, you feel me? I’d much rather have chicks continue to rock skin tight spandex making their ass look great 99% of the time and you let me worry about what it looks like for the 1% of the time that the pants are off. Like remember the Perfect Butt from Village Pourhouse many years ago?


I dont care if that results in some pimples. That ass and those pants should never ever stop.

Seriously though do everything in your power short of not wearing yoga pants in order to avoid this shit.

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By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 9:34 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Lauren



Introducing Lauren from LIU.  Great end to the smokeshow week, have a good one peoples.


Know any smokes? Nominate the hottest girls on campus by emailing names and Facebook links to









By beardo posted November 20th, 2014 at 5:56 PM
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