Craigslist – I will pay you $175 to sit in my bath tub full of ramen noodles wearing a bathing suit
I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.
I will give you the keys while we meet, and you will go to my apartment thereafter.
It will require a 30 minute soak.
The noodles will be cooked and therefore slippery.
Do not bring any sauce. I will season the sauce after I get home prior to dinner.
I don’t wanna sound like a Poor here, but this is just about the easiest $175 you’re ever gonna make as a chick. There are women out there who get 90% naked and grind their butt on dude’s dicks for $20. There are women out there that will do unspeakable things in parking lots and alleys for like $10 a pop. This is $175 just to sit in a bathtub full of noodles for 30 mins. Thats a $350 per hour rate! Sure, its a little gross. I remember when I was in elementary school and we used to do a haunted house and you put your hand inside those orange pumpkins and felt a bunch of wet spaghetti and you thought you were touching brains. Admittedly it can’t be too enjoyable to sit in a tub completely submerged in that slimy shit. But for $175 I’m pretty sure you can manage. Nobody will even be watching you (except for the hidden camera) and you don’t even need to bring your own sauce!
Most likely because this dude is doing to cum all over these noodles after you leave. Stick his dick right in this bathtub full of human flavored raman. Whatever. You will be long gone with your 175 bucks. And at least he didn’t make you shave his ass in a bathtub full of Pepto Bismol.
Business Insider – New York has a new club for under-aged partiers, but you have to be younger than 12 to get in. CNN Money ran a story today about a new company called Fuzipop that puts together dance parties for children at major nightclubs around Manhattan. Held once a month for children ages 6-12 and their parents, the three-hour dance parties typically cost $20 for a parent and child to get in, and $60 for a family of four. A 9-year-old child DJs the events (it’s not clear whether he or she was trained at Brooklyn’s baby DJ school), and professional dancers help keep kids entertained. The kids get down with glow sticks and guzzle juice boxes — seriously. A CNN Money reporter recently attended one such party at the West Village’s Pink Elephant on a Sunday afternoon, where just 12 hours earlier, the crowd was a lot less wholesome. The scene she described sounds plain awful: Inside, parents lined up the full cash bar as their kids leaped around the dance floor shouting out the words to “What Does the Fox Say.” The tables usually reserved for VIPs ordering pricey bottle service were littered with champagne glasses and juice boxes. The bartender, who’s used to serving a liquored-up, over-21 crowd on Saturday nights, was surprised by how much the parents were imbibing. The most popular drink that afternoon was vodka.
When I was 6, 8, 10 years old I was playing with fucking sticks and shit. Like my biggest goal in life was to find a stick shaped like a Y so that I could try to make a goddam slingshot or something. There was one tree in my front yard that was perfect for climbing but I was too afraid to climb too high and Bran Stark myself so I always just climbed up like 10 feet. That was my childhood. Sticks and trees and shit. Playing with a Nerf football that had teeth marks in it and a huge bite taken out of it because one of my friends was always a weirdo.
Now you fast forward to 2014 and 8 year olds are in Pink Elephant listening to fuckin techno music. Glow sticks and juice boxes. Probably fuckin making it rain and shit with money from their First Holy Communion. Absolutely outrageous. And you gotta love how the chaperones are there just sippin on some early afternoon vodka. They’re probably just EDM rave lunatics who had kids and rather than take them to the fucking park like normal parents they wanna hit the club. Its all well and good now when you’re “promoting dance and community” but when these kids are hooked on molly by the time they hit 6th grade you have nobody to blame but yourselves. They’ll be showing up to school with ham, cheese, and MDMA filled Lunchables because mommy and daddy exposed them to the rave life when they were 7 years old. Should end really well.
PS – Being a “professional dancer” hired for one of these things has gotta be the lowest point in any dancers life, no?
Just an incredible game. Flyers got the jump, but the Blueshirts controlled the majority of the first 40 before pouring it on in the third. Philly couldn’t do a god damn thing all game besides throw any shred of discipline completely out the window once the Rangers wore them down. Giroux did a few laps around the rink tonight – zero shots. His team as a whole tested Hank just 15 times while the Blueshirts peppered Emery with 36. No matter how hard they tried, Philly couldn’t get NY to retaliate. Can’t ask for a better opener. If the power play can move the puck and finish like they did twice in the minute that put a bow on tonight, there might not be a Game 5 for me to go to.
Click here to view with the old Gallery.
Introducing Alana from Syracuse. Amazing how many smokes go to school there. A top notch program. I’d also like to add that beautiful girls and puppies are the two best things on the planet.
Blackout New York City At Irving Plaza is coming to town. All past/present smokeshows get free tickets. Email firstname.lastname@example.org to nominate a smoke.
GET TICKETS HERE
Here we go, Blueshirts fans. Just a couple hours away from puck drop at MSG against a Flyers squad that hasn’t won there since 2011. Lundqvist and his 27-13-3 career record against Philly take on Ray Emery, who’s played just 7 periods of hockey since April 1 & allowed 10 goals. Hank was less than 2 mins from a goose egg the last time these teams met, while the Rangers hung a 4-spot on Emery in his only start against them. Philly’s trying so hard to ignore his 3 GAA/.900 save percentage with garbage like this - but they know the truth. The Rangers were the favorites to begin with, and all Sugar Ray Emery will do is make it easier to advance for as long as he’s manning the crease. Even blacked out, baby-dicked Rangers guy knows it. So let’s come out firing – especially you, Marty St. Louis. No easier night to bury one and get on a roll than tonight. With so many decided advantages, even the Blueshirts can’t fuck this up*.
One down, three to go.
*Disclaimer – All fans should be prepared for Ray Ray to blank the Rangers tonight, because that’s just what the Rangers do sometimes. Won’t change the series.
CLICK HERE TO BUY
Lets get one thing straight. Give me the coach who will bend the rules, the coach who will BREAK the rules, and the coach that will do whatever it takes to help his team win, over the “play the game the right way,” coach every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Jason Kidd has gone from a coach who looked like a deer in the headlights at first, to a cut- throat “snake it till you make it,” mastermind over the course of just a few months. Should Kidd have fired Lawrence Frank the way he did at the beginning of the season? Probably not. Did he seem to give any fucks about doing it? Nope. Did Kidd orchestrate one of the greatest intentional soda spills of all-time? Yup. Did it get his team the extra timeout he wanted? It sure as hell did.
Which brings me to the most recent example. Evan Roberts from WFAN can tell me until he is blue in the face that the Nets were simply getting guys healthy and not tanking to avoid Chicago in the first round, but I’m not buying it. It is entirely possible in this case that resting players and tanking were the exact same thing. The fan base is demanding at least a first-round win, regardless of who the Nets play and Kidd knows that playing Toronto without the home court is a hell-of-a-lot easier than playing Chicago without the home court. If you looked at the Nets starting 5, and the minutes played for the key guys over the last 3 games, it’s not very hard to see what Jason Kidd was doing, and I commend him on having the balls to do it right in front of everyone’s faces.
PS – Full Nets/Raptors preview blog sometime in the next two days, but this may be the direction I’m going in…..
Still want to root for Toronto?
Click here to download on iTunes
Download the free KFC Radio app – iPhone | Android
Big episode this week for Barstool DVR. Major turn of events in Game of Thrones which brought all the “Book Is Better Than The Movie” assholes to the forefront. Can’t even begin to describe how much I hate these people. And its not that I hate people that read books. I’m not a Nazi. Its not that I even hate people who may, in fact, think that sometimes a book is better than a movie. Its that I hate people who can’t recognize that they sound like a fucking high horse asshole when a bunch of people are talking about their favorite TV show and they have to be the dick chiming in about their book. Its a persona that goes along with the opinion. You want everyone to know you read the book and its like you look down upon TVs or movies because of it.
So, we discuss those assholes and the Game of Thrones books vs series. All the most memorable TV deaths from the best series, and I weigh in quickly on Fargo, Turn and Silicon Valley. House of Cards episode is next on the schedule
NOTE: This podcast obviously contains spoilers. We talk about people dying in Thrones, Breaking Bad, the Wire, The Sopranos, Sons of Anarchy, 24, Lost etc etc. Don’t cry to me.