Dude On The News Says Not Eating Poop Is The Key To Containing Ebola

Hey laugh all you want but guess what? He’s not wrong. And more importantly – unfortunately – there are probably some dumb assholes in this city who need this advice. Like lets start with baby steps here, people. I dont need another analyst or scientist on TV saying that you have absolutely nothing to worry about and you’re not gonna get this disease. They keep saying stuff like “Well unless you come in direct contact with bodily fluids then you have nothing to worry about.” Oh thanks, scientist. Lemme run through the Barstool New York archives and find all the times there were NYC bums jerking off on people or skells shitting in public or drunk people pissing on the subway and people spitting on each other and on and on and on.

Plain and simple “dont eat poop” is where we need to start with our Ebola education.

By KFC posted October 24th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Footage Of The Aftermath From Yesterday’s Hatchet Attack

Gothamist – A hatchet-wielding man was shot dead and four NYPD officers, plus a bystander, are injured after police responded to an assault in Jamaica Queens. An NYPD spokesperson said the incident occurred at around 2:10 p.m. near the intersection of 162nd Street and Jamaica Avenue. One of the officers suffered a hatchet wound to the head, and was transported to North Shore Hospital in critical condition, while the three other officers were treated for minor injuries at Jamaica Hospital. A woman who was standing nearby was also shot in the lower back and transported to a local hospital. The man brandishing the hatchet was pronounced dead at the scene. The police spokesperson would not say whether the bystander was shot by the NYPD. Authorities are still trying to determine how the incident unfolded. 

“The cops yelled ‘Drop it!’” said rattled eyewitness Larry Bethune, 44, of Hollis, Queens, recalling the moment the psycho pulled a small hatchet from his jacket.“And he lunged at one of them,” the witness remembered. “He raised his arm up high and brought it straight down on the cop’s head.

“The cop went down to the ground, face first. It was horrible. I’ve never seen anything like that on Jamaica Avenue,” he added. “The cop’s just lying there with blood pouring down his face. He didn’t move.”

The man slashed another officer’s arm before two officers shot the man dead. The Post adds that the woman who was shot by a stray police bullet is in “life-threatening condition.” At a press conference at Jamaica Hospital, Commissioner Bratton said that the department is still working on identifying the slain suspect, and that he said nothing before he “charged” at the officers. All four of the responding officers were rookies, and the officer hit in the head was conscious and speaking when he was admitted to the hospital, something Bratton called “a good sign.”

Some absolutely terrifying stuff yesterday in Queens and you can see from the aftermath that it was pretty much total chaos after the attack/shooting. They havent confirmed or denied that there were ties to terrorism as they’re still investigating but either way this dude was obviously just a full blown lunatic. It honestly surprises me that stuff like this doesnt happen more often. There’s just so many people and so many crazies and no matter how good your law enforcement is – both local and national – its almost impossible to stop a dude from just putting an axe in his backpack and attacking some people when they least expect it.

Just goes to show the kind of respect NYPD cops deserve from people on a daily basis. I mean I know I bust their balls a lot on this website. Shit, I was just doing it yesterday. Lord knows there’s plenty of times when they’re writing tickets or directing traffic or giving you a hard time like a bunch of hardos. But the reality is, in this city especially, theres honestly the constant threat of violence and they are out there every day stopping that from happening, unfortunately bearing the brunt of it themselves. Obviously in plenty of other cities and places there are cops that put it all on the line as well. But I just want to make sure the NYPD knows that I, for one, appreciate the fact that when they get up and go to work in the morning, they could have lunatics with axes targeting them in some sort of terrorist plot. Its bullshit of me and the rest of New York to wait until something like this happens to pay our respects but I guess better late than never. Get well soon to Officer Kenneth Healey and Officer Joseph Meeker.

By KFC posted October 24th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Can You Get Ebola From A Bowling Ball?

 

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AskWell – New York Times:

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Is it me or does it sound like all the experts seem like they dont know what the fuck they’re talking about with Ebola? Like all I keep hearing about is how you cant catch ebola from this and you can’t catch ebola from that. Its extremely hard to transmit the disease and blah blah blah. Oh yea? Well then why the fuck is everybody getting ebola every day? Like OF COURSE you can catch ebola from a bowling ball. You can catch fucking ANYTHING from a bowling ball. Bowling balls are probably the most disease infested things on the planet earth. Everyone sticking their dirty ass fingers all up in there. Everyone sharing shoes. Hanging out in a place that has stale air from like 1970s. I mean if you wanna contract a disease go right to the bowling alley. You might skip over ebola altogether and catch yourself a nice little case of Bubonic.

Seriously enough with the experts. There was another Times article saying ebola is unlikely to spread on mass transit. I mean get the fuck out of my face with these lies. Yes, you can get ebola from a bowling ball. Yes, a crowded, dirty subway is going to spread ebola. These are just facts of life that I already know, no matter what the newspapers are telling me.

PS – This doctor is a real prick. Dude went all over fucking town. He rode 3 different subway lines, hung out at the High Line. Went to the bowling alley. Its like he did his best to pick all the places where you could potentially spread a disease as fast as humanly possible. Like “Oh hey I just ripped off my ebola scrubs, maybe I should go ride the most crowded interconnected mass transit system in the world, visit a high foot traffic tourist attraction, and go to a social hang out where everything is communal and everyone touches and uses the same stuff. Sounds safe to me!

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 10:27 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Olivia

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Introducing Olivia from New York now at USC.  Makes sense to go to the west coast when you look like this.  Just an absolute dime to end the smokeshow week in NYC.

 

Know any smokes? Rep your school and email a name and Facebook link to beardobarstool@gmail.com

 

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By beardo posted October 23rd, 2014 at 5:45 PM

Ebola Hits NYC, For Real This Time. Maybe.

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NY Post – The Big Apple may have its first case of Ebola. A 33-year-old Doctors Without Borders physician who treated Ebola patients in Guinea and returned to New York City 10 days ago was rushed in an ambulance with police escorts from his Harlem home to Bellevue Hospital on Thursday, sources said. Craig Spencer was suffering from Ebola-like symptoms — a 103-degree fever and nausea, sources said.  Clad in hazmat suits, FDNY hazardous materials specials sealed off his fifth-floor apartment. Cops blocked off West 147th Street between Broadway and Amsterdam after he was taken to the hospital, witness Oscar Nunez said. “EMS HAZ TAC Units transferred to Bellevue Hospital a patient who presented a fever and gastrointestinal symptoms,” the Health Department wrote in a statement. Spencer had been working with Doctors Without Borders in Africa, treating Ebola patients in Guinea, sources said.

Obviously if I had my way, nobody would ever be allowed to go to Africa ever again. If I ran for President right now, that would be my whole platform. No Americans are allowed to come back to the US after going to Africa. Now, thats not realistic. Thats not going to happen. Idiots will always go to disease riddled third world countries and continents for all sorts of dumb ass reasons. “Travel the world” and “help others” and all that jazz. Dumb, but unavoidable. So my Plan B is pretty simple – we make a new island off the east coast of America. Lets put it somewhere in the middle of the eastern seaboard so that its equidistant to everyone in the north and the south. Let say right near the Carolinas or so, a couple hundred miles away from land. As a matter of fact, lets use this Hamilton Island:

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What the fuck island is that? I’ve never heard of Hamilton Island. Nobody goes there. Thats the spot.

When you come back from Africa, you have to hang out there for like a month in some sort of isolated lab sorta thing. If you show no signs, you get to continue on home. If you have ebola, you are condemned to live on that island forever. Go hang out with all your other Ebola Buddies. It will be like online dating for people that have herpes. Everyone is in the same boat so you can all just hang out and talk about your common ground. How stupid you were to go to Africa and how you wish you never went. And then you just live out your days amongst all the other idiots with ebola and you dont infect the population.

We’ll rename it Ebola Island. And the purpose is 2 fold – 1) obviously the isolation and monitoring and quarantining will keep the spread of the disease contained. And 2) it will deter people from taking that trip to Africa anyway. If you have to spend a month on an island called “Ebola Island” upon returning from your trip from Africa you’ll probably say to yourself “is this really worth it?” and most likely cancel that trip altogether.

Wanna go to Africa? Check your lease, man! Because your living on Ebola Island!

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PS – Let me just explain what happened on this Hamilton Island disaster. I googled “eastern seaboard map” and had the intention of just drawing Ebola Island in the middle of the ocean. But this popped up and I saw this “Hamilton” shit. So I googled Hamilton Island. Which is, in fact, an island. Its just off the coast of Australia. I didnt bother to read that part. I also didnt realize the other names on the maps were capitals. I ALSO thought Bermuda was further north than that. Long story short thats the perfect storm for me to think there was a place called Hamilton island off the coast of the Carolinas. I am a disaster with geography so I just never trust any sort of instincts. My detective work told me that was Hamilton Island. Never heard of it, but thats because I’m retarded geographically. Oh well. Whatever. The Ebola Purgatory Island Idea still stands.

 

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 4:40 PM

Badass World War II Vet From NJ Makes His Own Norse-Style Ship With One Arm And Gets A Viking Funeral At Sea

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NY Daily News-  The doors to Valhalla are open to a New Jersey veteran given a Viking funeral by the U.S. Coast Guard. The funeral pyre launched at sea carried the ashes of Andrew Haines, an 89-year-old World War II veteran whose final wishes requested the burial of his Norwegian heritage, according to the Navy Times. The veteran and retired commercial fisherman, who emigrated from Norway in 1927, died in late August of natural causes, but not before spending a decade constructing a scaled-down replica of a Viking ship that would carry his memory. He managed to build the longship with only one arm after losing the other in a 1975 boating accident. The Coast Guard with Station Atlantic City kept the Norse tradition alive with a flare to ignite the boat carrying his ashes and wood shavings during its Sept. 29 launch about three miles off the coast, the Navy Times reported.

You know how they say that the people who fought in World War II were part of “The Greatest Generation”?  Well Andrew Haines can rest knowing he did his part to maintain the good name of his peers.  A World War II vet that built a Norse longship while in his 80s is already significantly manlier than anyone I know.  But to build the ship with one arm and then have a Viking funeral at sea on said ship is fucking HARDCORE.

I have friends who complain about putting together an Ikea table with the help of their girlfriends.  But Old Man Haines was just crushing life and building ships with one arm.  We need our national image to be more about guys like Andrew Haines and less about people who watch the Kardashians as they sip their pumpkin lattes.  That would give those ISIS assholes something to think about before they pulled some more bullshit from their sand castles.  Andrew Haines, American hero.  Rest in peace.

KFC Editors Note: I published this blog for 2 reasons. 1) The line about putting together Ikea tables with girlfriends. Thats fucking hilarious and so accurate. 2) I’ve been watching Vikings. I’m almost done with season 1. I started watching it on the plane ride home since I didnt have anything else and I’m fucking hooked. Its on the History Channel but its like a real TV show. So so awesome. Vikings were some seriously nasty motherfuckers. 

By theclemreport posted October 23rd, 2014 at 4:10 PM

Fox News Host And Former VS Models Say Hot Young Chicks Are Ignorant Should Not Be Able To Vote

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Daily Mail – Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle thinks that young, attractive women should be excused from voting so they could devote their time to online dating. Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of former San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, a Democrat, appeared on The Five along with her four-co-hosts Tuesday to discuss the challenges the Republican Party has been facing in swaying young women to vote conservative. When Guilfoyle’s fellow panelist Greg Gutfield suggested that married, older women tend to vote Republican because ‘with age comes wisdom,’ the 45-year-old former California prosecutor launched into a tirade calling out younger women for their perceived ignorance.  ’It’s the same reason why young women on juries are not a good idea. They don’t get it!’ Guilfoyle fumed. She then added that her younger peers don’t have the proper ‘life experiences’ such as raising children, paying bills, or dealing with real-world issues like mortgage, crime and health care, to perform their civic duties.

Well, shes certainly not wrong. I’m actually pretty much on board with everything she said. I mean of course there are exceptions in any situation. Generalizations and stereotypes aren’t 100% accurate. I’m sure there are some hot girls out there who go to Stanford and are political science majors who can debate all sorts of social and economic issues. Understand all the issues and are qualified to vote and decide on them. But generalizations and stereotypes exist for a reason. And sexy young chicks, generally speaking, are gonna be pretty dumb. And if they’re not dumb, they still dont come close to giving a shit about major issues in society. I’d say the same for young dumb guy too. Like I dont think I should be able to vote or anything either. Just leave that shit up to the people who really know what they’re talking about. I’d say conservatively speaking 99% of the population absolutely does not deserve to have their opinions heard on anything, let alone complex issues we face as a country.

And the same thing can be said for the comment about the jury. The litmus test is if you’re the one on trial. Would you want some Instagram slut on the jury? Some chick who is taking courtroom selfies, probably hasnt listened to a word anyone has said, and the words they have listened too they dont understand? I wouldnt want her deciding my fate anymore than some idiot blogger like myself.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that hot chicks, and pretty much the vast majority of civilization, is stupid, uninformed, and ignorant and we shouldnt really rely upon them for anything.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 3:00 PM

Chick Steals NYC Tourist’s $25,000 Rolex And Hides It In Her Vagina

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NYDN She could do some time for this. A 25-year-old woman snatched an Australian tourist’s $25,000 Rolex and hid it in her vagina after an early morning hookup in a Manhattan hotel room, officials said. Brenton Price was getting a massage from Shacarye Tims in his room at the Holiday Inn in Chelsea about 5:30 a.m. Oct. 19, after meeting her at a bar, police said. “I just innocently picked up a girl at a bar and got robbed,” Price said when reached in California. “I was a tourist,” he told the Daily News. “I met someone and got robbed. I helped catch the criminal.” A source said Tims also had priors in other states, including a prostitution arrest in Las Vegas. Price put his Yacht-Master II Rolex on the nightstand at the 125 W. 26th St. hotel after Tims complained it was scratching her, police sources said. When he noticed the Rolex was missing about 10 minutes later, Tims suggested that it might have fallen behind the nightstand, cops said. As Price searched, Tims tried to hightail it out of the hotel but the Aussie caught up with her in the lobby. She smacked him repeatedly in the face “causing him to suffer swelling and bruising,” according to the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office.  A female cop told prosecutors she saw Tims take the Rolex “out of her vaginal cavity and hand it to me,” the criminal complaint states. Tims, of Georgia, is charged with robbery and grand larceny. She was held on a $10,000 bond at Rikers Island, records show. Her next court appearance is set for Oct 24. Her lawyer, David B. Epstein, said cops “bullied” her to hand over the pricey timepiece.

Shacarye picked the WRONG tourist to fuck with. This obviously ain’t Brenton Price’s first rodeo. Guy can probably spot a Rolex smuggling vagina a mile away. Just look at that picture with all those strippers. Guy looks like a polished version of John Kruk. Dude has probably lost 4 or 5 Rolex’s to vaginas all over the world at this point. Knows exactly how to spot the next one. Getting a massage in your hotel room from a chick named Shacarye and your 25 thousand dollar watch goes missing? Check her pussy. I guess the real lesson is never take your watch off when you’re a tourist in a foreign town clearly paying a chick for sex.

PS – Gotta be weird when you get that watch back right? I mean its worth 25 large, there’s no way you are just ditching that timepiece. But every time you glance down at your wrist to check the time, you’re gonna be thinking…that was inside the vagina of a woman named Shacarye.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 2:00 PM
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