If Rex Ryan Joined The Patriots I’d Light Myself On Fire

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Let me start by saying there’s no chance this goes down. Rex is a better man than this. He just is. He has more honor and respect than this. He wants a head coaching job and if thats not in the cards hes going to TV. An assistant job ain’t in his plans. Winning a hollow Super Bowl under Belichick would just be pointless for him. On top of it all I think he knows how much of a scumbag move that would be and hes not a guy who would stab his fans in the back like this. Rex Ryan is not a “if you cant beat em, join em” type of guy. He never planned on Kissing The Rings and I dont think he does now.

But its been kicked around on twitter the past couple weeks and Feitelberg texted me last night asking me to take him through my emotions if Rex went to New England and won a Super Bowl with the Pats. And I honestly dont know what I’d do. I’ve been through a lot of shit as a fan. Collapses and embarrassments and circuses and scandals. I dont think anything can ever cut me to the core the way the 2007 Mets Collapse did. Because that was my team and it was directly wins and losses related. But I will tell you that if Darrelle Revis and Rex Ryan won a Super Bowl with the New England Patriots I think I would have a mental breakdown. I think if I had to watch Pres and Feitelberg celebrate another ring with the 2 cornerstones of the Jets brief but enjoyable window of successful football, that would be the straw that broke the losers back. I would probably legit swear off football at that point. I think I’d just abandon the NFL. Just stick to the Mets Knicks and Isles and give up on my Jets fandom all together. Pres jokes about the Pats murdering franchises but if this Perfect Storm of Patriots ever went down, that would legitimately murder me as a fan. There’s no coming back from that.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

4 Asian Women Brawl On A Plane Over Crying Baby

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News.AuWE’VE all been there: A long-haul flight, with a baby crying all the way … But would you drag the mother out into the aisle and start a fist fight? The Chongqing Morning News is reporting a brawl between four women aboard a flight between China and Hong Kong almost caused an in-flight emergency. The ruckus, which happened only days after a woman flung boiling water at a flight attendant also on a flight to Hong Kong and a man opened an emergency exit for “fresh air”, saw four middle-aged women launch into each other. One passenger snapped a picture of the all-out brawl, where one of the participants was lifted and flung into the overhead lockers.  Air China Flight CA433, which had departed Chongquin about 9am, had only just reached cruising altitude when two of the women grew angry at the sound of a crying baby behind them. Snarky comments were exchanged, then the annoyed women reclined their seats as far back as possible to retaliate for the distressed baby’s cries. Then fists started to fly. Passengers told media the fight went on for “some time” before cabin crew managed to convince the brawling women that they would be even more inconvenienced if the aircraft had to turn back to the airport. Police were waiting for the four when the China Air flight landed an hour later.

Take 1 part Wacky Asian Behavior, add 1 part crying baby on an airplane, sprinkle in another part of chair seat back drama, shake it all up and you’ve got a recipe for fucking disaster. I mean this flight didnt stand a fucking CHANCE. Its a miracle it didnt go down in flame. Any one of those things is enough to derail a plane. Asians have absolutely no understanding of how to behave on public transportation. They let their babies shit on airplane seats, for Christ sake. Nobody has any level of rational tolerance for a crying baby on a plane. And getting into fights over putting your seat back has been the hottest thing in the streets in 2014. Now you mix that all together and thats like a Molotov Cocktail about to explode in a 747.

You all know my thoughts on crying babies on planes though. It is completely unacceptable. Once you have kids, there are certain things you dont get to do anymore. You dont get to stay out all night and party. You dont get to sleep soundly through the night. And you dont get to go on planes with your annoying kids. Period. Thats it. You should have that right revoked. Its just part of the sacrifice for having a family. If you drug them, fine. But otherwise it should be allowed. Bottom line if you bring your crying kid on the plane you deserve to be smashed into the overhead compartment.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

77 Year Old Man Gets Demolished By A Rogue Tire Smashing Through The Window Of A Doctor’s Office

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HOUSTONA 77-year-old janitor counts himself lucky to be alive after a truck tire smashed through the window of a medical clinic where he was working and struck him late Tuesday night. Manuel Mendoza told Local 2 News through an interpreter, “It was sort of like an explosion.” Mendoza and his wife were cleaning the 45 Clinic in the 8200 block of Gulf Freeway at around 10:45 p.m. Mendoza was moving a chair in the waiting room when security video shows the tire smashing through the window, pushing the chair in his hands aside and knocking Mendoza to the floor. He stayed there for several minutes, apparently dazed. Mendoza was taken to Memorial Hermann Hospital by ambulance and treated for cuts and bruises, but he was found to have no major injuries. The tire, which was still attached to a brake drum, apparently came off a truck traveling inbound on the Gulf Freeway. It rolled across the freeway and feeder road and into the clinic’s parking lot where a second security camera shows it smashing into the window. The clinic’s owner, Dr. Joseph Sleiman, just happened to be passing the clinic that night on his way to the airport when he noticed the ambulance in front of his clinic and stopped to investigate. ”The man is very lucky. I’m so glad that he’s OK,” he said. Sleiman believes more than luck was involved in Mendoza’s survival. ”I believe, probably because Christmas, God was here. This is what I believe because this is a miracle,” he said.

This is the perfect example of how crazy religious lunatics can be. This dude was cleaning a medical clinic at almost 11pm at night. At the exact moment he decides to go straighten up the chairs right by the window, a rogue fucking TIRE flies off a truck, crosses a highway, avoiding all cars, medians, and obstacles that could potentially stop it or alter its course, and fucking DEMOLISHES this dude like a bowling ball. And their first reaction is ‘This man is very lucky.” Its a miracle, God was watching over him. How about that? How about that fucking shit? Has ANYBODY ever gotten more of a free pass than God? He’s like the Kate Upton of all knowing creators. This guy just got obliterated in perhaps the most unlucky turn of events the world has ever seen and his first reaction is praising God because he’s not dead. Setting the bar a little low there, arent we? How about instead of thanking God for just keeping you alive we say “Hey God, where were you on the 900 things that needed to fall perfectly into place for a runaway tire to decimate me while I was cleaning this office at 11pm? Where were you on that one, dipshit?”

If everyone got the free pass God got, it would be complete anarchy. Complete chaos. God’s up there mailing it in every day letting children die and shit and he just keeps getting all the praise. Its like Peter Gibbons in Office Space getting promoted for doing nothing. Unbelievable.

By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Kate Upton Named People’s Sexiest Woman Alive

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ET OnlineNearly a month after Chris Hemsworth was awarded the coveted title ofPeople’s Sexiest Man Alive, 22-year-old model and actress Kate Upton was awarded the title of Sexiest Woman Alive. The announcement was made at the inaugural People Magazine Awards, held Thursday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, making Upton the first woman to ever receive the title. Upton, best known for her work as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover model and for her role in the romantic comedy The Other Woman, took the stage in a curve-hugging black dress to accept the award. ”This is such an honor to me because sexy to me means someone who’s confident and happy, and that’s the person I always strive to be,” Upton told the audience as she accepted her trophy. The winners at the People Magazine Awards are not chosen by fans, but are selected by editors at People and sister publication Entertainment Weekly. Some of the night’s other big winners included Karlie Kloss for Model of the Year, Kate Hudson for Celebrity Role Model of the Year, Jimmy Fallon for Talk Show Host of the Year and Gwen Stefani for Style Icon of the Year, among others.

I give up, man. Adnan is still in jail and people still think Kate Upton is the sexiest chick on the planet. I just give up. This has been my thing all along with Upton – its not that shes an ugly girl or the fattest chick out there, she’s just wildly overrated. Anytime I blog about her rectangle body people are always like “KFC you tellin me you wouldnt fuck her?” No, idiot. Did you read anything I just wrote? Nowhere in that blog did I say I wouldn’t fuck her. Its that treating this girl like shes one of the hottest chicks alive is fucking outrageous. She used to be the sexiest girl alive. For like a 1 or two year window, back when she was dougieing at the Nets game. Even when she was doing the Cat Daddy for Terry Richardson. But those days are gone. Long gone. Now she’s taking prom photos with Verlander in his Lee jeans that look like a “Before” photo for a weight loss program. She’s basically still just living off her boobs the same way a washed up power pitcher gets by on his off speed junk once his fastball has lost its bite.

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If you have a thing for big floppy boobs or big buxom blondes, God bless you. I got no problem with that. Different Strokes for Different Folks. But don’t tell me this chick is the Sexiest Woman Alive. Unless about 85% of Hollywood girls died last night and didn’t let me know. And even then I still dont think she gets this award. Kate Beckinsale’s dead corpse is sexier than Kate Upton’s living, breathe barrel of a body. Does Emily Ratajkowski not qualify as a woman? Vergara? Margot Robbie from Wolf of Wall Street? All of the VS and SI models? Sloane from Entourage? Fuck even Sloane from the Newsroom and her tight asshole should have been ahead of Upton. And just to be completely unbiased, I’m including a bunch of the sexy pictures of her as well. Because again, its not that she’s ugly or fat the same way you ugly fat Aunt is. Its that people still treat her like shes 20 years old and the hottest girl on the planet when shes really just a blonde girl with big tits.

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PS – Melanie Iglesias at the People Awards last night. Coulda given it to her.

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By KFC posted December 19th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Wake Up Wtih Ewelina Olczak

 

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By feitelberg posted December 19th, 2014 at 9:00 AM

Watch Out! The Zen Master Just Put His Nuts On Chris Sheridan’s Head For All Of Twitter To See

 

This is why I Twitter is the best.  You can’t call out players, coaches, executives, or supermodels without the chance that they will take a bazooka out and fire back at you.  And you know Phil Jackson doesn’t feel like taking shit from an NBA writer right now.  The guy’s whole body is beat to shit from years in the league, he has a girlfriend that holds more power in NBA circles than he does, and oh yeah, his team is off to a 5-22 start.  The last thing he needs is Old Man Sheridan calling his moves into question after one and a half months.  And throwing “negative” out there is one step above calling Sheridan “chief” or “boss”.

Now does the trade look bad right now?  Of course.  It’s early in the season and every Knicks fan knows that Tyson Chandler is a beast when he is healthy.  But will he still be healthy come playoff time?  I hope so for his sake, but recent trends state the odds are not in his favor.  Tyson is one of my favorite Knicks of the 2000s (granted, it’s not a long list), but the Knicks had to get something for him before his contract expired.  Did Phil get a bunch of bums back?  Maybe.  But Marc Gasol went from the punch line of the Pau Gasol trade to one of the (if not THE) best centers in the league.  So give the trade time to play out.

Also, I like the subtle jab Phil took at Gregg Popovich regarding the Pau trade.  He’s reminding Marc Gasol that Pop basically called him a pile of shit after the Pau trade went down.  The Spurs are reportedly interested in signing Marc Gasol after the season and he just happens to be the most important piece of the Knicks free agency puzzle.

The Spurs even scheduled International Night last night during the Grizzlies game as a way to show Marc just how international of a city San Antonio is.  And it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if Pop designed last night’s game to go exactly the way it went.  A classic 3-overtime thriller with a ridiculous buzzer-beaters that the Grizzlies winning a tight one.  Now Marc has a happy feeling when he thinks of the Spurs.  Pop is like the modern version of Terry Silver from Karate Kid 3.  Just a ruthless bastard that is always one step ahead of everyone else.

So we need Phil to combat that shit with some chess as his own.  Maybe Phil should tweet pictures of him cooking paella every day until Gasol becomes a free agent.  Or play the “Spaniard, Spaniard, Spaniard” line from Gladiator when Gasol plays at MSG in a few months.  Or just bring Big Marc into town during the Puerto Rican Day Parade.  Sure it is a completely different country than Spain, but the language is the same.  New York is just one big melting pot that needs that big dumb Spanish bastard here BADLY.  Ether’ing people that talk shit about the Knicks on Twitter can’t hurt the cause.

By theclemreport posted December 18th, 2014 at 4:29 PM

Tonight Is The Final Episode Of The Colbert Report

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After a decade-long and wildly successful run, the Colbert Report is finally closing its curtains tonight. For a show that has enjoyed near critical acclaim and rave reviews from every critic, writer, blogger, and influential thinker of the past decade, the Colbert Report is going out with very little fanfare. No media tributes like Leno got. No front page headlines like Conan. Just a few words about what a great show it was, and how we are going to miss the Report so much, and he’s going to be so great on CBS and blah blah blah. And you know what? Fuck that. The Report deserves more. It was one of the most influential and iconic television shows of the next decade, and it deserves more than a Buzzfeed-style “10 Best Moments” list from everyone.

 

The cliché about satire and comedy you hear from every writing professor you’ve ever had is the point is to hold a mirror to society and make people laugh at what they see. No one was better at this than Stephen Colbert. No one could point out the inherent hypocrisies, contradictions, and absurdities of American politics than he could. No one could take serious subjects and be as consistently funny talking about them as him. No one else could reduce subjects of monstrous proportions down to a few well-timed quips, and stab the heart of the matter more effectively either. When it’s all said and done and the history of the “Satirical News”-era of television comedy is written, Jon Stewart will stand as it’s most important and influential figure. As he should. But no one mastered it like Stephen Colbert. I doubt anyone ever will be again.

 

 

His most brilliant moment, ironically, might have happened on C-Span instead of Comedy Central, at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner, when Stephen delivered a devastating critique of the Bush Administration and the National Media, all of whom the night was supposed to honor. Everyone always loves to tickle Ricky Gervais’s balls about how brave and badass it was of him to host the Golden Globes and roast the celebrities in attendance, but Colbert did that with the NATIONAL PRESS AND MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD surrounding him at all angles, at a time when people were afraid of being branded unpatriotic for questioning the Government. That’s balls. Of course, Colbert’s monologue was met with icy glares and no laughter. But he wasn’t playing to the audience in the room. He was playing to the larger audience who were going to watch the routine the next day on their home computers. In a lot of ways, that routine was the Godfather of viral content that’s now employed by all the late-night guys he’ll be competing against in a few months.

And that’s who Colbert was. Everything about him was summed up in that dinner. You didn’t always have to agree with him politically. I certainly didn’t a large portion of the time. But what he did transcended that. It was more important than him being left, right, or in outer space. He was direct. He was honest. He was smart. He genuinely cared about the things he was talking about. He tried to throw rocks at giants while pretending to be one himself. He took issues that no one was talking about and made them understandable to us. How many of us knew what a Super-Pac or 501(C)(3) was until he decided to create one himself? So for one of the most iconic and influential shows of the past decade, I say goodbye and I’m really, really, really going to miss you. Stephen is off to take the most prestigious job in all of television. Personally I think it’s a damn shame that he’s leaving a show that challenged the entire American public consciousness to interview celebrities about their next movie, but I understand why he’s doing it. And I bet his next show is great, but he’ll leave a hole that will most likely never be filled after tonight. And that’s tonight’s word.

By charliewisco posted December 18th, 2014 at 4:10 PM

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By KFC posted December 18th, 2014 at 3:20 PM
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