Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Around Barstool

Men Lack The Ability To Make Their Voice Sound Sexy

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NEWSER) – The ability to make one’s voice sound hot is, apparently, limited to women. At least that’s what a new study finds: Researchers in Pennsylvania asked women to “speak as if they were trying to impress someone with whom they were romantically interested.” The subjects did it easily, almost all by speaking in low, hoarser tones. “There is a stereotype of what is a sexual voice in our culture—a low, breathy voice,” says researcher Susan Hughes of Albright College. For men, things didn’t work out quite so well. In fact, when they actively tried to sex up their voices, they became a little less appealing, Hughes notes. Men could, however, apparently make themselves sound more confident, which may make them more attractive. That sound of confidence, researchers suggest, is related to “earning potential.” In other words, as Rachel Sugar puts it atNerve.com, “Women are sexy if they sound attractive. Men are sexy if they sound rich.”

If you’re just an average white dude, these findings right here are 500% true. Sexy Voice is just impossible. Unless you’re that dude who fucks Diane Lane in Unfaithful or you have some sort of other exotic accent, chicks are not gonna find your voice hot. You ever try having phone sex when you’re just a plain old mediocre white fella? Its a nightmare. Thank God sexting came along and we can just do all that shit via text now because trying to get it done with your voice was a disaster. I mean there would be a chick on the other end of the phone going hammertime with a goddam mechanical vibrator and I still couldn’t get them off because my sexy talk was drying them up like sandpaper. Not to mention in the heat of the moment you get mixed up and say shit like “my pussy” or “your dick” and that just totally ruins the vibe. Bottom line is guys should just keep quiet during all that sexy time shit. No groaning, no moaning, no attempts to be sexy. Just standard dirty talk which prompts chicks to respond with their sexy voices. Like when the Casting Couch guy casually asks “Where’s my cock?” so that the chick has to answer that its in her butt in her best sultry, sexy tone.

I guess the key apparently is to perfect the “rich” voice these researchers are talkin about. Not sure how you go about “sounding” rich. All I know is no matter what it is, its gotta sound better than my sexy voice.

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 2:50 PM

Barstool Baseball Roundup Featuring Pretty Much Everybody

Charlie Wisconsin is one of my interns. He’s an 18 year old freshman at the University of Wisconsin. He’s originally an east coast guy from Connecticut and he does work for KFC Radio. Edits MailTime every week and he’s churned out a couple podcasts of his own for the network. Anyway, he asked if he could do a Barstool Baseball Roundup with all the different bloggers from every city across the network, and since thats something I am way to lazy to do, I told him to go for it. So its broken into part 1 featuring Feits, JJ and RDT who’s the Orioles blogger on DMV, and then Part 2 featuring me, White Sox Dave, Banks and Smitty.

Charlie did a Hockey Roundup with 610, Rear Ads, and Chief a couple weeks ago  that people seemed to like, so here’s an early season MLB version for all you baseball fans. Maybe we’ll all periodically call in and do them if its something people like.

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 2:00 PM

Apparently Matt Harvey DOES GAF – Deletes His Twitter

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I’ve said this countless times before, but if I was a GM the first rule I’d have is no twitter allowed. Just flat out cannot have a twitter account if you want to play for my team. As we’ve seen a zillion times before, it does nothing but cause problems. So, in the long run, this is good for Matt Harvey. Just one less outlet for him to get in trouble with. But there’s a couple things and a couple scenarios I dont like about this:

Either the Mets made him delete his account, or he deleted it himself. If it was Mets management, thats some Nazi shit. They’ve been butting heads with him over the smallest shit – i.e. his locker in spring training, his rehab location – and if this is Jay Horowitz’s dumb ass telling him that his account has gotta go, thats a bad look. Especially when he and Sandy Alderson are always yucking it up on twitter  like assholes. At some point they have to realize Matt’s their future and cater to him at least a little bit.

If it was Matt that deleted it, well then that flies in the face of everything I just said in my previous blog. Its like he’s forever half in and half out. Wants to be outspoken and have a personality and what not but then when shit hits the fan he backs down. Apologizes or deletes a tweet and shuts the account down. Nowadays that is absolutely the worst way you can handle a social media blunder. In a situation like this he probably should have just relaxed and laughed it off. Just be yourself and fuck the people chirping at you. If its a real bad situation, put yourself in a Twitter Time Out like Darren Rovell did. But don’t go deleting shit. The screenshots are already out there, the world already knows, and deleting your account altogether draws more attention to the situation and makes you look even stupider.

In either situation, its just a total fucking MESS. All because of goddam motherfucking TWITTER. Its fucking laughable that we’re talking about a grown man giving the middle finger on twitter.

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 1:17 PM

Matt Harvey Just Doesn’t Give A Fuck

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Welp, cue the media shit storm! Can’t wait for the backlash on this one. “Matt Harvey went to the Rangers game!” “Matt Harvey went on a date with a model!” “Matt Harvey took a picture giving the middle finger!” Look its pretty clear at this point that Matt Harvey doesn’t give a fuck about what other people think about him. He says and does whatever he wants. I think when he first gained some stardom he threw out that Jeter quote – how he wanted to be discrete and professional just like Jeter – and I think that came back to bite him. Because since that day he’s pretty much done everything the exact opposite of that. Derek Jeter doesn’t even have a middle finger as far as I know, and if he does, its discretely buried in the vagina of an under the radar supermodel.

So I think its about time we all accept Matt Harvey for who he is. He’s a brash, cocky motherfucker who doesn’t give a shit about what other people think about him. Its time to embrace his role as the arrogant villain. The guy who’s constantly stirring the pot, doing whatever he wants, and striking people out. There’s a reason why the Roger Clemens comparisons are thrown around, and its because he has that same persona that The Rocket had.

Do I love it? No, not exactly. Not because I think you have to be a goodie two shoes phony like Jeter is in order to be successful. But I do think drawing negative attention to yourself just makes things more difficult. I mean for fucks sake you’re already a New York Met – the baseball world of karma is already against you and you’re already unlucky as it is. Don’t need to be further complicate things with media attention and a bullseye on your back. But its time that we just understand Matt Harvey does. not. care. what you think. He’s gonna fuck who he wants to fuck, live where he wants to live, strike out who he wants to strike out, and if you don’t like it, he’s flipping you the bird. Maybe the Mets could use a little bit of that attitude.

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 12:01 PM

Brooklyn Decker Makes A Burger Come On Her New Sitcom

Brooklyn Decker got the jam job. Completely cuckholded by that rectangle Kate Upton. There was a brief window of time where Brooklyn Decker was the smokestack blonde with huge tits and then Upton came along. Dougied her way into the pants of every man in America and completely overshadowed Brooklyn.

But once Kate Upton let herself go and decided to turn into a stick of bologna, why didn’t we all revert back to Brooklyn Decker? Why didn’t everyone just say – hey, Brooklyn Decker is still a super smoke with a sick body? Forget about Upton. Its really a lesson in public relations and how Brooklyn Decker let her position as THE hot blonde fall apart. But I guess here she is on her new sitcom, Friends With Better Lives. Maybe she played her cards right. She’s the one on a TV show on a major network replacing one of the longest running sticoms ever.  Granted, she’s more or less fellating a cheeseburger until it cums, but hey – TV is TV. Brooklyn Decker is one of the stars of Friends With Better Lives while Kate Upton is off trying to jam her fat feet into a pair of heels for her next photoshoot with that creep Terry Richardson. You tell me whos the real winner.

PS – Whoever discovered that watching hot chicks sloppily eat cheeseburgers is somehow sexy is a goddam genius.

Here’s some more to remind you just what kinda heat Brooklyn Decker can bring:

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Thanks to Russ for the video

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Study Says Chicks Prefer Men Who Drive Practical Cars

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NY Post - Forget the Porsche — guys who really want to attract women should be driving a Prius. Sexy models draped over sports cars at the New York Auto Show aside, most women prefer a man who drives something more practical, according to a new survey. A Harris poll commissioned by dating site AnastasiaDate found that a majority of women associate fancy cars with negative character traits: 56 percent view men who drive exotic or fast cars as being show-offs or arrogant, and 17 percent perceive them as being insecure. Almost half of women say that a guy’s car reflects his economic status. Forty-six percent say that it reflects a guy’s image of himself. Eleven percent believe that the car reflects the guy’s feelings about having a family. Only about one-fifth of women say that they have found a man more attractive after seeing the type of car that he drives. And 37 percent of women think men who buy expensive cars are compensating for a lack of “something.”

Oh my thats interesting. Those are some very interesting sociological statistics. So I’ll just go ahead and leave these right here:

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I mean ladies stop me when you can’t handle anymore: 101 horsepower. 31 miles per gallon city/40 miles per gallon highway. Audio system with AM/FM radio AND a CD player. 16 inch rims. Driver Air Bag. Passenger Air Bag. Side Head Air Bag Rear Head Air Bag. Side Air Bag. Driver knee Air Bag

You girls leaking yet?

$160 bucks a month and $99 a month to park. Thats right – 99 bucks when my garage would ordinarily be $506. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 3! I’m turning panties into an ocean over here! Glad all you small dicked arrogant pricks are enjoying your Ferarri getting 4 miles to the gallon with your 2nd mortgage on your house but I’ll be the guy trying to have sex in the back of my micro Euro car because its so fucking practical chicks can’t resist me.

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Brian Williams Raps Gin And Juice

This has gotta be my favorite one so far. Flows absolutely perfect and lines like “bitches in the living room getting it on” and “Got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do to” take it to the next level. Plus Savannah Guthrie chiming in with her own “6 in tha mornin” and Lester Holt’s cameo were the icing on the cake.

I’m just waiting for the Brian Williams’ “Put It In Your Mouth” by Akinyele and then we can retire these

By KFC posted April 22nd, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Encore Of Dianna Dahlgren From Today’s GTA

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GTA

 

I know a lot of people can’t look at GTA at work or they’re not logged in on mobile so they can’t see it on the app, so I needed to repost this to make sure it got its proper due. Give everyone a second viewing. Its one of the greatest things you’ll ever watch a white girl with ass do. White pants and an ass thats simply way to round to fit into them. Lord have mercy.

By KFC posted April 21st, 2014 at 8:15 PM
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