GTA Best Of The Best, Season 4 Week 2 Voting Now Open!

Champion Morgan Hultgren

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VS.

Drew Kainalu

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Yes, I know both Pres and I posted this same GTA on the same day this week and now here she is again. But there’s a reason for all that. She’s got a prime time ass. I still dont think she’s even in the same stratosphere and capable of dethroning Morgan, but I’m not sure anyone on earth is.

Morgan may go wire to wire. Who knows.

Time to vote

Vote 1 for Champ Morgan, Vote 10 for Drew Kainalu

By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 12:30 PM

Winnie The Pooh Banned From Polish Playground For Being A Half Naked Hermaphrodite

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News.au – WINNIE the Pooh has been banned from a local playground in Poland after outraged councillors declared his state of undress and “dubious sexuality” inappropriate for children. During a local council meeting in the small town of Tuszyn, the beloved bear’s attire and lack of genitalia were hotly debated by several councillors, who insisted Winnie the Pooh was an inappropriate role model for young children because he was a hermaphrodite. A leaked tape of the council meeting showed one councillor, a woman, saying: “Anyone who knows Winnie the Pooh knows he has no sex [genitalia]”. The counsellor was adamant that her peers should also be educated about the origins of poor hermaphrodite Pooh and his creator, AA Milne. “Ladies and gentleman, I would like to tell you a little about the author,” she declared. “When the author turned 60, he cut off his [Pooh’s] testicles with a rusty razor blade because of his own identity issues.” Councillor Ryszard Cichy compared Winnie the Pooh to a much-loved Polish bear, Misio Uszatek, who he said was a better choice as representative of the playground because he was fully dressed.  “Looking at both of these bears [Misio Uszatek and Winnie the Pooh] one is completely dressed while the other is only dressed from the top up,” Mr Ciszy said during the meeting. “It is half-naked, which means it is completely inappropriate for children”.  Another man compared Pooh’s “low intellect” to that of the councillors, saying: “Winnie the Pooh was a bear with low intellect, and unfortunately, this is also evident in those who are concerned with this topic”. “I’ve even written a poem that represents this discussion — ‘Winnie the Pooh is an alcoholic and a liar. He walks with no underwear and has cut off his testicles’.

Hey Pooh do you have a dick or a pussy? Do you even know? You low intellect idiot. Maybe you should put some goddam pants on and this wouldnt be an issue. I mean what kind of misfit walks around with just a shirt on? Even Donald Duck has the courtesy to put a hat on. You just strut around with your dickless, pussyless crotch out with a smedium t shirt on. Just showcasing that fat yellow ass all over the Hundred Acre Wood hoping Christopher Robin finally fucks you. Shitfaced off a pot of hunny with confused genitalia like some brainless pervert. Have some respect for yourself and the people around you, Pooh. At least Teddy Ruxpin has the courtesy to put his big swinging dick into a pair of shorts.

PS – If there’s anyone from the Hundred Acre Wood thats a hermaphrodite, its Rabbit. My mind was BLOWN when I found out Rabbit was a chick. I found out like last year. My whole life I thought Rabbit was a crotchety old man. Turns out shes just some C-word hare. And I dont even know what that little faggot Piglet is. Come to think of it, I’m not sure who has a dick and who has a pussy in the entire cast.

UPDATE: Rabbit is a dude. See I’m so twisted and backwards with the sexes of Winnie The Pooh I cant even keep my blogs straight

By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 11:30 AM

The Best Of Black Twitter Gallery Is Tremendous

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SBiOixB

“Kanye head look like the F-Zero Speed Ramp”

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“thats no excuse for her hairline to look like its bout to lose in tetris”

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7a63N4r 76pIhrP akxouX2 BYS6EfH dtEZ9KD  kPwBcpl qbBbBBt  watpOPu

 

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Full Gallery:

You all know my thoughts on Black Twitter. Its the most entertaining thing on the internet. Its better than Barstool. Its like a shade below porn. In between all the “bruhs,” “no chills,” “midas whales” and crying emojis is the funniest shit you can read. Sometimes its intentional, sometimes its unintentional, but black people are just so much funnier than white people. I have a theory that being able to casually drop N bombs in your tweets and jokes ups the funniness by like 1 or 2 points but in general they are just infinitely funnier than white people. Like this blog will be the perfect example – all the white people commenting will make jokes about not having dads and jobs and shit. All those same lame trite jokes. Meanwhile Black Twitter is calling Kanye’s head the F Zero Ramp and talking about haunted pussies. Just too goddam funny.

By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 10:30 AM

Doctors Say Yoga Pants Are Resulting In Many Cases Of Butt Acne For Girls

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NY MagAs everyone has been telling you, your yoga pants aren’t meant foreveryday wear. Your Lululemons might be to blame. As Dr. Tanzi explains, “People tell me, ‘I’m always in my yoga pants’. And I’m like, that’s not meant for every day!” You know it’s serious when a doctor tells you to give up the yoga pants. It works like this: Your yoga pants are tight. They’re sweaty. They stick to your butt when you sit or even when you’re not sitting. So does bacteria and sweat, which clog pores. Dr. Charles puts it this way: “Sweat that sits on the body for extended periods of time leads to the overgrowth of bacteria that can exacerbate acne.” As straightforward as the name implies, buttne is literally acne on your ass. “Dude, it’s a thing,” my friend told me when I asked about her embarrassing beauty problems. It’s a cruel world that permits congested butt pores to exist. Dermatologists I spoke to confirmed that it is, indeed, a real thing — and it’s getting worse as more and more patients seek dermatologists for treatment. “I have seen quite a bit of acne on the buttocks as of late,” said Dr. Carlos Charles, a dermatologist practicing in New York. Another, Dr. Elizabeth Tanzi, agrees: “We are seeing a lot more breakouts on the butt.” Below, everything you need to know to spot (and treat) acne on your bum.

You cant make an omelette without breaking a few eggs right? Thats the same thing here. Its having a great ass in yoga pants in exchange for getting some butt zits. I mean don’t get me wrong – pimples are you butt are gross. I want to stress that I’m not trying to minimize that. Dont want you girls running around thinking “KFC says ass acne isnt a big deal!” That shit is gross, son. But my point is thats just kinda the cost of doing business for strutting those cheeks around while they’re shaped perfectly by your Lululemons.

Here’s the way I view it – if we’ve reached the point where I’m peeling those pants off, I’m probably not gonna be disappointed with whats about to follow. A few imperfections here and there on your ass isn’t going to matter if its smashing off my hips, you feel me? I’d much rather have chicks continue to rock skin tight spandex making their ass look great 99% of the time and you let me worry about what it looks like for the 1% of the time that the pants are off. Like remember the Perfect Butt from Village Pourhouse many years ago?

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I dont care if that results in some pimples. That ass and those pants should never ever stop.

Seriously though do everything in your power short of not wearing yoga pants in order to avoid this shit.

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By KFC posted November 21st, 2014 at 9:34 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Lauren

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Introducing Lauren from LIU.  Great end to the smokeshow week, have a good one peoples.

 

Know any smokes? Nominate the hottest girls on campus by emailing names and Facebook links to beardobarstool@gmail.com

 

 

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By beardo posted November 20th, 2014 at 5:56 PM

If You Finish Anywhere In The Top Half Of Draftkings NFL 50/50, You Double Your Money

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You realize how ridiculous this is? Draftkings straight up rewarding mediocrity. Usually you have to win. Come somewhere within striking distance to get paid. You have to be better than the rest, know what you’re talking about.

Not today. Finish in top 50% and you double your money. Just be in the 50th percentile or above. Or 50th percentile and below. I never figured out how percentile works, but guess what? It doesnt matter because you dont need to be smart to win at Draftkings this week. You could be smack in the middle of all the other misfits and inbreds out there and you double your dough.

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By KFC posted November 20th, 2014 at 4:50 PM

Bode Miller And His Ex-Wife Call Their Son Different Names

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Daily Mail - Olympic ski racer Bode Miller and his ex-girlfriend have finally reached a settlement in the custody battle over their 18-month-old son – although they still can’t agree on his name. Miller and Sara McKenna, a former Marine, finalized a deal last week following a lengthy battle over their son – who is called Sam by his mother and Nate by his father. The deal was reached just before the squabbling pair were due to testify in a public trial about who would be a better parent for the boy, Page Six reported. Details of the agreement are confidential, McKenna’s attorney Michael Stutman said.  McKenna also tracked her son’s life with Miller on her ex and his new wife’s social media profiles and noticed they were calling him ‘Nathaniel’, after Miller’s late brother. ’That was really heartbreaking,’ she wrote. ‘Our son’s name is Samuel Bode Miller-McKenna. Calling him anything else is just confusing.’ 

Alright well this is just flat out the most absurd thing in the world. Poor 18 month old kid getting called one name by his mom and one name by his dad because they hate each other that much. I’d like to think at some point I’d swallow my pride and for the sake of my kid’s sanity and development, just give in on the name my bitch ex wife came up with. But names are important, and you gotta think about the consequences. Especially Sam. I dont know about that name. Like if I wanted my kid to be named Joseph and she wanted a name like Colin I could just let it slide. Yea it would be cooler if my kid was named Maverick, but for the sake of this kid growing up normal with just one name, and since I know you’re a bitch who won’t give in, we’ll just go with Colin.

But Sam vs. Nate, thats a big difference. Two very different names at first glance. Lets break it down further:

Nate

Pros:

Nate Dogg

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The biggest endorsement for the name Nate. Right off the bat this swings me in favor of this name.

2.) Nate Robinson

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Nate Robinson kinda bothers me with how cocky he is sometimes, but bottom line is he’s like 5’9 and won an NBA Dunk Contest. Dude can throw down with some of the best basketball players in the world.

Cons:

Nate, Barstool

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Almost, almost, cancels all of the coolness Nate Dogg and Nate Robinson provides to the name Nate.

Sam

Pros:

1.) Sam, Uncle

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Pretty much the most iconic, badass American ever. I’m pretty sure we won both World Wars because of him.

2) Samuel Adams

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Great lager.

Cons:

1) Samwise Gamgee and Samwell Tarly

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These fat fucks actually both end up kind of heroic, but at the end of the day nobody wants to be named after them. You hear Sam in reference to these guys and all you’re thinking is “Who the guy who wants to fuck Frodo and the pussy on The Wall?”

2.) This kid who grew up down the block from me was named Sam. When we were in like 2nd grade he had an Aladdin themed birthday party and made everyone dress up like a character from the movie. Rumor has it later in high school he came out of the closet and used to troll high school parties looking for drunk dudes and he would try to trick them into thinking he was a chick and let him suck their dicks. Weird. Definite con.

So, its kind of a wash. Some bad ass Americans vs some bad ass black dudes. Some fat fictional characters and the weirdo I knew from elementary school vs. the weirdo I know from Barstool.

At the end of the day I think it would be a landslide for Nate if it wasnt for…well Nate. Now I dont know though. We got DMV Nate and DevNest Nate, 2 guys really hurting the credibility of the Nate’s of the world.

I guess it doesnt matter for this poor little bastard. When your parents hate each other so much they cant even agree on a name for you, you’re probably doomed in general. Just called this kid Doomed. Doomed Bode Miller-McKenna

PS – Just name that fat little fucker “Chuck” and call it a day.

By KFC posted November 20th, 2014 at 4:00 PM

Fuck This Reporter Who Asked Giancarlo Stanton If He Was Embarrassed For Making $70,000 A Day

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Fox Sports Giancarlo Stanton signed the richest contract by an American athlete in history on Wednesday, $325 million for 13 years. Maybe because it was with the Miami Marlins and not the New York Yankees, people got a little nutty about it. At least one reporter at the press conference did, asking Stanton if the fact that he’ll be making about $69,000 a day for the next 13 years is “embarrassing” to him. Stanton did a double take. ”Embarrassing to me? Uh, nah, not exactly,” he said. “I know I have a lot of expectations to live up to, which I need to do and am willing to do. ”See, now this isn’t like a lottery ticket and ‘peace out,’ all right now? People are thinking it like that. Now, you win the lottery, you quit your job and you go live wherever you want to live and you call it a day. Now, this is the start of new work and a new job, for this city. It’s a huge responsibility, and one I’m willing to take.”

Well fuck this guy. If I was Mike Stanton I’d look that dude dead in his eyes and ask him if he’s embarrassed to stand here and as stupid ass questions like a hack reporter. What should I be embarrassed about? Embarrassed that I’m one of the best players in baseball? Embarrassed that I’ve been blessed with a swing that can send balls to Pluto? Embarrassed that my team came to me and said “We want to give you this money?” This is America, jackass. And in America, pro sports and capitalism reign supreme. You wanna argue that school teachers and garbage men should be making that kinda money and that nobody should get paid that much to play a game? Take that shit to some other loser country. Here in the US of A pro athletes generate more money than just about anybody else and so they get compensated accordingly.

Secondly, this contract isn’t really that insane. When you hear things like “$325 million” or “$69,000 a day” its staggering. But this contract is pretty much fair market value. If you look at the comparable sluggers who got paid recently, Stanton is as good, if not better than all of them. He’s much younger than they all were when they signed. And its backloaded like a motherfucker. He’s only making something like 17 million a year for the first portion of the contract, which is a steal for how much hes about to produce. Bottom line is this contract is fair. It might be hard for some Communist hippies to understand, but its fair market value in MLB, and both sides are winning with this deal. Thats baseball. Thats America.

By KFC posted November 20th, 2014 at 3:10 PM
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