JR Smith Updates His Instagram Teaching Us All Where The Term “Black Friday” Comes From

B3Vi4VlIcAAU4bp

 

Hashtag facts, huh JR? You have gotta be the dumbest motherfucker alive. In reality, Team Swish, its the single most innocuous term ever, but I really don’t think you’ll understand the whole concept or meaning of a business being in the “red” or in the “black” so how about you just pipe the fuck down and go back to being an overpaid idiot. Or maybe go ask CEO Melo to break it down for you. Maybe he can help you understand.

Thanks to Tommy for the heads up

By KFC posted November 25th, 2014 at 10:41 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Faith

1

 

Introducing Faith from NYC.  Back to back blazers for this shortened smoke week.  Love the city showing why it’s the best on Barstool

 

Know any smokes?  Email a name and nomination to beardobarstool@gmail.com

 

 

 

2

3

4 5 8 9

By beardo posted November 25th, 2014 at 5:35 PM

The Top 5 Characters From Jurassic Park That I Need To See In Jurassic World

(For your listening pleasure as you read)

Now that the Jurassic World trailer has officially been released, I decided to go back to Jurassic Park to see which characters needed to be in the newest movie.  I very humbly present my Top 5.

5. Ian Malcolm

jurassic-park-2

Jurassic Goldblum is just pure sex appeal.  I put him at 5 just because Ian Malcolm was in Jurassic Park II.  If we are being honest, everyone loves and hates Jurassic Goldblum.  So hopefully the Jurassic World version of Godzilla eats his ass after he struts that sex appeal for the ladies (and men comfortable with their sexuality)

4. Random Asian Scientist

JP-HenryWu

This guy was on my list before I found out that he will actually be in Jurassic World.  I love how sassy he was in Jurassic Park.  I hope he brings that “I am Asian, hence I am smarter than you” swagger to Jurassic World.

3. Lewis Dodgson:

dodg

The Jurassic Park version of Slugworth would be the perfect quick cameo for Jurassic World.  However, it turns out the actor who plays Dodgson may have been a little too much of a real-life scumbag to be available for filming.

2. Mr. DNA

JP-Mr.DNA

To this day, I have still not heard a better explanation of how DNA works.  If the prosecution used Mr. DNA in the OJ Simpson trial, the Juice would have gotten The Chair.  And with that accent, Mr. DNA was born to be a lobbyist for Big Tobacco.

I know we have all heard that the way they clone dinosaurs in Jurassic Park is not possible.  But does anyone else think that the government floated that rumor out there so some eccentric billionaire (probably Richard Branson) wouldn’t make his own Jurassic Park or dinosaur army?  Exactly.

1. Samuel L. Jackson

DG105-jurassic-park-e1385692392203

“PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE” is the best line in all of Jurassic Park.  The only reason you should smoke cigarettes is so you can recreate that quote with 6 inches of ash hanging from your lip.    I don’t remember/care if this character had an actual name in the movie.  I call him Samuel L. Jackson.  You call him Samuel L. Jackson.  Hell, I bet Steven Spielberg calls him Samuel L. Jackson. I know this is a bold statement, but I firmly believe that Jurassic Park is Sam Jackson’s best movie role to date.


By theclemreport posted November 25th, 2014 at 4:50 PM

Get A Load Of This Guy Who Has A Romantic Relationship With A Horse

Screen Shot 2014-11-25 at 3.17.03 PM

UproxxHave you read NY Mag’s interview with the anonymous man who is in a long-term sexual relationship with a horse? You have to read it. It’s fascinating. And graphic. Oh dear Lord, is it graphic. But mostly fascinating. You won’t be able to look away. I read it Friday night and I think I’m a different person now. Not, like, totally different, but definitely a few degrees away from the wide-eyed naive lad I was seconds before I clicked the link. It’s really something.

And so, what I’ve done here is pull out a few of the most eye-opening quotes and passages from the interview to share with you. Please do not skim these and assume it excuses you from reading the whole thing. It most certainly does not. You have to read it. You have to read it.

Let’s begin.

I started to notice horses in “that” way when I was about 11 or 12. Everybody else was stealing their dads’ Playboy magazines, but I had a book called The Big Book of the Horse.

You know what’s fun? Imagine the author of The Big Book of the Horse sitting at home on Friday and seeing a Google Alert pop up for the book he wrote years ago, then clicking through to this interview. Imagine his face. Especially when we get to the thing about the “mown grass or fresh hay.” That’s coming up. Stay tuned.

I’ll tell you about the first time I had sex with my current mare friend. It’s sort of a comedy of errors.

This is one of the most fascinating aspects of the interview to me: how casually he discusses it all. “It’s sort of a comedy of errors.” Oh, please, do tell.

Overall, it’s safer with a horse than a human. Horses have parasites, but they generally don’t, like us. STDs are only a risk if you share horses, and I don’t do that. Early on, an experienced zoophile friend took me under his wing and taught me something I’ll always remember: A horse is going to give you his butt before he will ever give you his head. Horses kick.

Solid advice all around here.

When I first gave a horse oral sex I was in my early 20s, and one of the things I had to overcome was the thought that it’s disgusting to go down on a horse, much like the way some men feel about women. So it was at the back of my head at the time, and it’s kind of strange because there’s nothing about horses that’s disgusting to me. And, as I discovered, mares taste very, very nice, like mown grass or fresh hay, and they really enjoy oral stimulation.

Yup, now you read that. And you can’t unread it, either. We don’t have the technology. You will forever have the knowledge that horses “taste very, very nice, like mown grass or fresh hay” embedded in your brain, anchored into the strongest and most reliable part of your memory, right next to the lyrics to “Shoop.” Congratulations.

Does your mare friend have a name?

I usually call her Sexy Knickers, but her name is Ms. C.

I have literally thousands of questions about this exchange, and I’m not sure I want an answer to any of them.

She’s offered to stand guard to make sure that I get privacy because one of the issues I have at the moment is that my mares can’t live on my property.

Fun fact: The “she” in question here is the man’s wife. His wife stands guard so he can perform cunnilingus on his horse mistress without being interrupted. That is what is going on here. There really is someone for everyone out here in this big crazy world. It’s … it’s almost life-affirming when you think about it.

Almost.

Do you ever spend the night with her without having sex?
Just being with her is more than enough for me. Sex is an extra. I’ve spent the night in her stall. Horses like having someone watching over them.

Does your wife mind when that happens?
She understands it, and it doesn’t happen very often, especially now that she’s in a public stable. I wish it could happen more often. My dream home would have the barn as part of the house.

If you had to choose between only ever being able to have sex with a horse or a human, from now on, what would you decide? Would that present a dilemma for you?

It would be a horse, absolutely, no question. The only reason it would be a dilemma is because my wife means so much to me, and she’d be very unhappy with that. So then the question becomes, Would I leave my horse or leave my wife?

We’ve seen it all at Barstool. The guy who fucks cars. The guy who fucks dolphins. The chick who fucks dolphins, go figure that one out. And there were the “looners” who love to fuck balloons. But I think this horse fucker takes the cake. I’d fuck a car, a dolphin and balloons waaaay before I ever fucked a horse. I mean try to read the excerpt about him blowing a horse and tell me thats not the most disturbing thing you’ve ever heard. Don’t you DARE comparing sucking a horse’s dick to going down on a girl, pal. Sometimes thats inconvenient for us guys, and maybe not our favorite thing ever, but we’re not even in the same dimension as going down on a horse.

And you know who’s the worst person in this whole story? The dude who fucks horses, thats who. But you know who’s second worse? The dude’s WIFE. How can you be married to a horse fucker??? How can you settle that much in life? Like well, ya know, its hard to find a good man out there so I’ll just marry this dude. Yea he fucks Clydesdales on the side but hey nobody is perfect? Hey honey you’re late where have you been? Sorry I was blowing Mr. Ed in the barn, baby. But you know I love you.

Fuck man. Goodness gracious.

PS – The fact that its a gay sexual relationship with the horse is even weirder. Dude is straight with humans but gay with horses? That makes less than zero sense.

By KFC posted November 25th, 2014 at 4:00 PM

James Bond’s New Car? Yea Thats Right Its A Fiat

Daily MailA smash-up involving a Fiat 500 may be a common sight for people in Italy’s capital city.  But the care-free Italian attitude to driving is now set to be immortalised in the 24th James Bond film.  Scenes from the movie – which will be released in November 2015 – will be set in Rome and feature a daring parachute descent by Daniel Craig on to the city’s famous Ponte Sisto bridge. True to form, the film will include a series of high-adrenaline car chases with some through Rome’s narrow cobbled streets, which ends with one car flying in to the river Tiber.  In another pursuit, the iconic Fiat 500 ends up being crushed on the approach to the Vatican.   The Rome footage will be shot in February and March and cover three high-action scenes, sources have said.  Other scenes will be shot south of Rome at the Royal Palace of Caserta, known as the Versailles of Italy, as well as in Serbia and at Pinewood studios in Surrey, according to Italian news agency ANSA.

Well would you look at that. Me and Jimmy Bond, ahead of the curve. Stoolies bash me all the time about the Fiat. “KFC you drive a Go Kart you faggot!” “KFC is there space in the trunk for your balls when the Roommate tries to put them in there?” “KFC does that thing run on your boyfriend’s semen?” (I just made up that last two, none of you guys were funny enough to come up with those. Usually its just a go kart type of comparison, followed by faggot.) But I bet none of you motherfuckers would say that to James Bond. Thats right. Bond, James Bond. Yes, it makes a little more sense that he’s driving a Fiat in Italy. And yes, Daniel Craig has alluded to the fact that he wants James Bond to one day be gay. But regardless of those facts, the point still remains. James Bond is one of the most bad ass pimps in literary history, just like myself. We both pull up to the bar in our 5 hunnid PoP and order a couple martinis from the barkeep. Thats next level shit.

You wanna talk about trunk space, horse power, or even having a back seat that could fit an average sized human, fine, you win. But if you wanna talk about driving the hottest, trendiest car in Hollywood, you come talk to me.

By KFC posted November 25th, 2014 at 3:10 PM

Draftkings Thanksgiving Extravaganza Is Here – $600K On The Line, $100,000 For First Place

Screen Shot 2014-11-25 at 11.29.05 AM Screen Shot 2014-11-25 at 11.29.20 AM

CLICK HERE TO JOIN

Thanksgiving is about 3 things.

1) Turkey

2) Football

and this year, thanks to Draftkings – 3) Money

Six hundred thousand dollars up in the air for good old American Stoolies to celebrate Pilgrims and the Indians breaking bread before white people eradicated them from existence. Like sorry we wiped you off the face of the planet via violence and pestilence but at least we had that bangin turkey dinner that one time right?

Anyway the Draftkings Wishbone Challenge is for Thanksgiving Thursday ONLY. Meaning only three games worth of players to choose from. The random luck aspect is greatly diminished here. If you know what you’re doing and can pick the right guys from this small pool, the $100,000 is basically yours. Here are the details:

-$600,000 Wishbone Classic Fantasy Football Contest
-Thanksgiving special contest
-Draft 1 QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 FLEX, and 1 DST from the Thanksgiving NFL games
-Choose your players from the Bears vs. Lions, Eagles vs. Cowboys, and Seahawks vs. 49ers games
-$20 to enter, $100,000 First Place Prize
-Top 5 places all win 5-figure prizes and top 8,150 places cash out
-Thanksgiving Day Only.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN

By KFC posted November 25th, 2014 at 2:20 PM

The “Madonna Of Albania” Getting All Sorts Of Attention For Her AMA Outfit

2372C77500000578-0-image-47_1416873269030 2372F28200000578-0-image-45_1416873233798 237072E900000578-0-image-44_1416873227103 2370700A00000578-0-image-40_1416873145411

 

Daily MailShe took to social media to promote her single F*** You I’m Famous merely hours after being branded the biggest fashion disaster at the 2014 American Music Awards on Sunday. And it seems that Bleona Qereti agrees that she owes her new-found name recognition that was brought to her on that night to a fishnet dress worn over a pair of pasties and a thong. In fact, she’s pleased with the talk in the aftermath of her skin-baring moment, but revealed that it’s her parents who are baring the burden of embarrassment.  ‘They aren’t leaving their apartment. They don’t even want to come out today,’ she told Us Weekly, adding, ‘But I’m like, “Dude, this is good. This is good.” And they’re like, “What do you mean? You were naked yesterday!” I’m like, “It’s fine. Trust me.”‘ Known as ‘Madonna of Albania’, according to her Wikipedia page, the singer and Euros Of Hollywood Bravo reality star certainly doesn’t have a problem with getting attention for the wrong reasons, much like Madge. ‘It’s a haute couture dress from Shahla Dorriz,’ the 29-year-old boasted, calling it ‘larger than life.’ ‘It was literally sewn on my body [starting] at 10 a.m. And it took, like, five hours. They put the thread and everything with needles on my body, so thank God I took a shower before they came!’

I meant to talk about this naked Albanian broad the night of the AMAs but I got distracted arguing about the sex appeal of young British boys. I think I like this bitch’s style. I mean physically speaking in terms of style and fashion, I definitely like her. Thong/pasties/fisherman’s net should be common place on the red carpet if you ask me.

But I think I like her mentality. Sure, I think if you’re gonna parade around basically naked at the AMAs, you should have to be hotter. You should be like a full blown 10/10 perfect smoke if you’re gonna try to pull that off. But whatever, beggars can’t be choosers. If you’re a Homeless Man’s version of Angelina Jolie and you wanna blast your nips and cheeks out to the world, go for it. Fuck your parents. People get famous for being naked these days so who am I to hate on that. Should take it a step further and get fucked on camera. You’ll go from being the Madonna of Albania to the Kim Kardashian of Albania. And I won’t knock that hustle one bit.

By KFC posted November 25th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

Budweiser Abandoning The Clydesdale Holiday Commercials For The First Time Since 1987

(NEWSER) – Some familiar faces won’t be around this year in holiday advertising: the Budweiser Clydesdales. Parent company Anheuser-Busch InBev is ditching the horses, which have been regulars in Christmas ads since 1987, in its quest to win over younger drinkers, reports the Wall Street Journal. This year’s ads will instead have people in their 20s looking into the camera and calling out the names of friends as a narrator intones, “If you could grab a Bud with any of your friends these holidays, who would it be?” writes theJournal. One big reason why: Nearly half of drinkers ages 21 to 27 have never tried a Bud, and the marketing gods have apparently decided that the horses are too old-fashioned.

Well I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with young drinkers and why they dont like these commercials but this is a goddam tragedy. Literally almost my entire life I’ve known the Budweiser Clydesdales. They make me cry more than anything on television. When they honored NYC on the 10th anniversary of September 11th? Waterworks. The one where the guy raises the horse and lets him become a Clydesdale and three years later at the parade the horse recognizes him and comes running down the street to see him? Wept like a baby. #BestBuds last year with the Puppy Love? Fucking FORGET ABOUT IT. I was sobbing at that one. Not like my eyes welled up a little. Like tears down my face and I was making those heaving noises like I couldnt catch my breath. Welcoming home the soldiers. All of them. I cry more at commercials with these horses than I cried at my grandma’s funeral. And each and every time it made me wanna go drink a good old fashioned Red White and Blue Budweiser with my friends and family.

I dont know what hits home with the young bucks these days. Maybe they need some commercials with techno music and Jenna Marbles on their instagram or some shit. But I do know what makes for a good commercial and that’s those goddam horses doing inexplicably heartwarming human shit.  Bring back the Clydesdales! Bring back the Clydesdales!

By KFC posted November 25th, 2014 at 12:00 PM
© 2014 Barstool Sports | Disclaimer | Copyright | Privacy Policy | Media Kit