Uproxx – Have you read NY Mag’s interview with the anonymous man who is in a long-term sexual relationship with a horse? You have to read it. It’s fascinating. And graphic. Oh dear Lord, is it graphic. But mostly fascinating. You won’t be able to look away. I read it Friday night and I think I’m a different person now. Not, like, totally different, but definitely a few degrees away from the wide-eyed naive lad I was seconds before I clicked the link. It’s really something.
And so, what I’ve done here is pull out a few of the most eye-opening quotes and passages from the interview to share with you. Please do not skim these and assume it excuses you from reading the whole thing. It most certainly does not. You have to read it. You have to read it.
I started to notice horses in “that” way when I was about 11 or 12. Everybody else was stealing their dads’ Playboy magazines, but I had a book called The Big Book of the Horse.
You know what’s fun? Imagine the author of The Big Book of the Horse sitting at home on Friday and seeing a Google Alert pop up for the book he wrote years ago, then clicking through to this interview. Imagine his face. Especially when we get to the thing about the “mown grass or fresh hay.” That’s coming up. Stay tuned.
I’ll tell you about the first time I had sex with my current mare friend. It’s sort of a comedy of errors.
This is one of the most fascinating aspects of the interview to me: how casually he discusses it all. “It’s sort of a comedy of errors.” Oh, please, do tell.
Overall, it’s safer with a horse than a human. Horses have parasites, but they generally don’t, like us. STDs are only a risk if you share horses, and I don’t do that. Early on, an experienced zoophile friend took me under his wing and taught me something I’ll always remember: A horse is going to give you his butt before he will ever give you his head. Horses kick.
Solid advice all around here.
When I first gave a horse oral sex I was in my early 20s, and one of the things I had to overcome was the thought that it’s disgusting to go down on a horse, much like the way some men feel about women. So it was at the back of my head at the time, and it’s kind of strange because there’s nothing about horses that’s disgusting to me. And, as I discovered, mares taste very, very nice, like mown grass or fresh hay, and they really enjoy oral stimulation.
Yup, now you read that. And you can’t unread it, either. We don’t have the technology. You will forever have the knowledge that horses “taste very, very nice, like mown grass or fresh hay” embedded in your brain, anchored into the strongest and most reliable part of your memory, right next to the lyrics to “Shoop.” Congratulations.
Does your mare friend have a name?
I usually call her Sexy Knickers, but her name is Ms. C.
I have literally thousands of questions about this exchange, and I’m not sure I want an answer to any of them.
She’s offered to stand guard to make sure that I get privacy because one of the issues I have at the moment is that my mares can’t live on my property.
Fun fact: The “she” in question here is the man’s wife. His wife stands guard so he can perform cunnilingus on his horse mistress without being interrupted. That is what is going on here. There really is someone for everyone out here in this big crazy world. It’s … it’s almost life-affirming when you think about it.
Do you ever spend the night with her without having sex?
Just being with her is more than enough for me. Sex is an extra. I’ve spent the night in her stall. Horses like having someone watching over them.
Does your wife mind when that happens?
She understands it, and it doesn’t happen very often, especially now that she’s in a public stable. I wish it could happen more often. My dream home would have the barn as part of the house.
If you had to choose between only ever being able to have sex with a horse or a human, from now on, what would you decide? Would that present a dilemma for you?
It would be a horse, absolutely, no question. The only reason it would be a dilemma is because my wife means so much to me, and she’d be very unhappy with that. So then the question becomes, Would I leave my horse or leave my wife?
We’ve seen it all at Barstool. The guy who fucks cars. The guy who fucks dolphins. The chick who fucks dolphins, go figure that one out. And there were the “looners” who love to fuck balloons. But I think this horse fucker takes the cake. I’d fuck a car, a dolphin and balloons waaaay before I ever fucked a horse. I mean try to read the excerpt about him blowing a horse and tell me thats not the most disturbing thing you’ve ever heard. Don’t you DARE comparing sucking a horse’s dick to going down on a girl, pal. Sometimes thats inconvenient for us guys, and maybe not our favorite thing ever, but we’re not even in the same dimension as going down on a horse.
And you know who’s the worst person in this whole story? The dude who fucks horses, thats who. But you know who’s second worse? The dude’s WIFE. How can you be married to a horse fucker??? How can you settle that much in life? Like well, ya know, its hard to find a good man out there so I’ll just marry this dude. Yea he fucks Clydesdales on the side but hey nobody is perfect? Hey honey you’re late where have you been? Sorry I was blowing Mr. Ed in the barn, baby. But you know I love you.
Fuck man. Goodness gracious.
PS – The fact that its a gay sexual relationship with the horse is even weirder. Dude is straight with humans but gay with horses? That makes less than zero sense.