WSJ - For many people, few things are more infuriating than slow walkers—those seemingly inconsiderate people who clog up sidewalks, grocery aisles and airport hallways while others fume behind them. Researchers say the concept of “sidewalk rage” is real. One scientist has even developed a Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome Scale to map out how people express their fury. At its most extreme, sidewalk rage can signal a psychiatric condition known as “intermittent explosive disorder,” researchers say. On Facebook, there’s a group called “I Secretly Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Back of the Head” that boasts nearly 15,000 members. Signs of a sidewalk rager include muttering or bumping into others; uncaringly hogging a walking lane; and acting in a hostile manner by staring, giving a “mean face” or approaching others too closely, says Leon James, a psychology professor at the University of Hawaii who studies pedestrian and driver aggression. For the cool-headed, sidewalk rage may seem incomprehensible. After all, it seems simple enough to just go around the slow individual. Why then are some people, even those who greet other obstacles with equanimity, so infuriated by unhurried fellow pedestrians? How one interprets the situation is key, researchers say. Ragers tend to have a strong sense of how other people should behave. Their code: Slower people keep to the right. Step aside to take a picture. And the left side of an escalator should be, of course, kept free for anyone wanting to walk up.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to murder innocent commuters in a pedestrian bloodbath. And I don’t think I’m alone. I think virtually every single person in Manhattan suffers from sidewalk rage, no? Which is funny because then you gotta think who’s causing all the problems. If everyone out there thinks they are walking the right way, then who are the assholes sparking the sidewalk rage? Everyone probably needs to take a look in the mirror. We’re probably all assholes.

Except for me. I’ve got walking in this city down to a fucking science. Here are my top 5 walking in NYC pet peeves

1. The Stutter Step Collision Course – This is when you are walking directly into someone on a collision course and both of you stutter step the same direction like three or four times trying to avoid each other but you keep both moving in the same direction. One minute I’m walking perfectly straight and the next minute I feel like I’m fucking Barry Sanders juking left and right. This is America, folks. We drive on the right side of the road, right? If you need to avoid someone walking the opposite direction as you, everybody goes right and we can spare each other the dance routine where we still end up crashing into each other

2. The Guy Who Tries To Cross The Street Before Me – Listen, I’ve got crossing the street down to a science. You get the flashing red hand for 12 flashes and then an solid red hand for 5-6 seconds depending on whether you count with Mississippi’s or not. I know exactly when the last car to make it thru the intersection is gonna pass by before I can cross safely. If you try to cross the street before me, you are getting hit by a moving vehicle.

3. Asian Tourists – Doesn’t need much of an explanation. They will stop right in the middle of any sidewalk at any time to take a picture that undoubtedly sucks. My question is how come they can’t display the same sense of urgency they show on the subway? Asians on the subway are the most disrespectful people on earth. They will march over an infant to get onto the train. Get the on the street though? Just wandering and hanging out right in everybody’s fucking way.

4. The Dude Who Brushes Up Against You Even Though You Have 50 Feet Of Room – Every now and then you’ll be lucky enough to not be on a crowded sidewalk but some asshole decides he’d still rather come within 2 inches of you as you walk past each other. Like I’ll be walking curbside and he should be all the way over on the building side but instead he decides it would be better if we smashed out shoulders into each other. Either you cave in and turn sideways or your brace your shoulders for impact. Either way it sucks. This also happens if you’re walking straight and someone comes out of a building or a store and makes a wide turn. Hey dick, you’re the one merging into traffic. Yield motherfucker.

5. The Person Who Walks Ahead Of You And Steals A Cab – This doesn’t quite fall under the slow walking, tourist sort of sidewalk rage, but it needs to be mentioned. There are few moments where I feel like I would murder another person in cold blood – the moment when you realize that someone deliberately walked 20 feet ahead of you and stole your cab is one of those moments. It could be the most disrespectful thing one can do on the streets of Manhattan. The ultimate irony is that I’m always doing the walk-and-hail so I’m 200% sure I do this to other people all the time. I’m not gonna stand on the same corner like some sucker.