Fucking Lurch and Uncle Fester over here just took my bracket and wiped their grundles with it.  Thanks assholes.  Fuck you.  Fuck Iowa.

PS- Did anyone get #23 off the court yet?  Go cry in the locker room bro.  Shit is embarrassing.

Click here for the Gus Johnson Soundboard

(Kris Allen? Really?)

Have a great weekend everyone!  Pretty impossible not to….

Silas, you pussy worshiping genius! A fuckin strength and conditioning coach for the vajay – why the shit didn’t I think of that? And I’ll tell you what, he’s a cocky pussy coach if I’ve ever seen one. 5 days ain’t a long time. I mean some old broad rolls up to her training session with a wizard’s sleeve and you gotta whip her into shape. Maybe throw on “Eye of the Tiger” or “No Easy Way Out” and get her jumping rope and doing squat thrusts trying to get more “desirable.” By Day 5, Silas will have you carrying 30 racks with your cooch.

My favorite part of this ad has gotta be the under 18 guardian bit. Like Mom or Dad is gonna drop you off at Pussy Training like its freakin soccer practice and give Silas the Vagina Master the nod of approval.

WSJ - An investigation of a Toyota Prius accident in Harrison, N.Y., suggests driver error may have been involved after federal safety regulators said the brakes hadn’t been applied and the throttle was “wide open.” Based on information retrieved from the onboard computer systems of the Prius in Harrison, a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration spokeswoman said: “There was no application of the brakes and the throttle was fully open.”

I’m getting a little sick and tired of people who suck at driving blaming their Prius for everything. First we had that broke dude out in San Diego and now we got this dumb broad in Harrison who didn’t even try hitting the brakes and just drove her ass right into a brick wall. It’s getting a little fuckin ridiculous. And you know who agrees with me? THIS guy:

“Get your head out of your ass, stop thinking about saving the fuckin trees, stop thinking about the fuckin whales and the dolphins and drive your fucking car and use some goddam common sense so you don’t hurt yourself, your family or other innocent people because you can’t figure out how to drive a fuckin car.”

NY Daily News – The tattoo model claiming a torrid affair with Jesse James, wife of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, once posed for a photo shoot clad in Nazi regalia and showing off what appears to be white supremacist ink. A bikini-clad Michelle McGee, inked from head to toe, sports an SS hat and swastika armband as she suggestively brandishes a death’s head dagger in a racy photo shoot laid bare Friday on TMZ.com. In one photo, the letter “W” is inked on McGee’s left leg, and the letter “P” on her right. “We’re told Michelle tells people it stands for “white power,” TMZ reported

If I said it once I’ve said it a billion times.    If you’re gonna cheat on your girl it’s gotta be with a chick willing to dress up like Hitler for a Nazi fetish photo shoot clad in swastikas and licking a knife with White Power tattooed on her legs.   Everyone knows that.  Jesse James just running on male instinct.  Can you blame him.

ST. LUCIE, Fla., March 18 (UPI) – Florida authorities said an 80-year-old man was arrested for attacking his neighbors’ door with a garden hoe because he thought they stole his cookies. The St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office said the St. Lucie residents called 911 Sunday and reported they were awakened by a “loud banging at the door” that turned out to be neighbor Gene Edward Chambers hitting the door with a garden hoe, TCPalm.com reported Thursday. Chambers told a deputy who arrived at the scene that he first knocked on the door then fetched the garden hoe when there was no answer. He accused his neighbors of sneaking into his house during the night and stealing seven boxes of “Little Debbie Oatmeal Cookies.” A deputy who searched Chambers’ home for signs of theft found five boxes of the snacks and a Walmart receipt from the previous day confirming he had purchased five boxes. “Chambers was mistaken thinking he had bought seven boxes,” deputies wrote in a report.

I cannot fuckin WAIT to be an old man. Sure when you’re shitting your pants and you can’t get an erection that really sucks. But the flip side of the coin is you get to stomp around the neighborhood like a raving fuckin lunatic banging on doors with your hoe because you miscounted your cookies. And yes, I realize this guy got fined $200, but that’s just a slap on the wrist. If a middle aged man is doing this stuff he’s at least getting tasered and possibly getting taken down by lethal force.

But Gene Chambers was missing his Little Debbie Outmeal Cookies and he was convinced it was those shifty son of a bitches from next door snatching them in the middle of the night. Maybe a bit presumptuous on his part, but have you ever had Little Debbie Oatmeal Cookies? Fuckin delicious. Especially when you heat those things up in the microwave.  They’ll make a man do crazy things. So cut Gene Chambers a break, dude lived through the Depression and like half a dozen wars.

And the answer is Francia Raisa.  Who is that you ask?  Who the fuck cares?  She’s hot and it’s March Madness and I’m trying to get to the bar.  So watch this hot bitch roller skate while I go drink and gamble my life away.  Let’s go Aggies!

PS- For the guy who emailed me complaining that we don’t use famous enough asses for him and his buddies to actually guess in their office pool….she’s the star of “Secret Life Of The American Teenager” on ABC Family.  Hope you got the W on this one bro.

Subject:       to whom it may concern
From:       Tracy
Date:       Fri, March 19, 2010 8:15 am
To:       nyctips@barstoolsports.com
Priority:       Normal

Moderately cute female stoolie visiting nyc for the first time this weekend. Any tips on where to go to meet some of your hairy, beer-bellied readers? Preferably Blackdude or viking but please not 610. I’ll be the girl standing in Times Square with the camera around my neck if you need to find me.

I don’t have any fuckin clue where the animals from the comments section spend their days. Probably with their parole officers or driving around elementary school playgrounds in their rape vans. But if you’re lookin to get down with some of those mutts who am I to stand in the way of love. I don’t mind playing the role of Cupid and matching this loopy broad and some reader. I wear many hats.

PS – Tracy you ever think skipping JV and heading right to Varsity for a shot at love with your boy KFC? “Moderately cute” is right up my alley babydoll!

PPS – If you don’t think the wheels are turning for a reality TV show about internet dating via Barstool Sports. It’ll be called “Stools Rush In” or something like that. Hey VH1 – call me.

PPPS – 610, that’s gotta hurt, bro.

Goldcoast - A WOMAN who lived in her car with 23 pets — 12 of which were cats — has been fined $4000 and forced to surrender all the animals to the RSPCA.  Carol Lynette Samuels, 66, said she was a successful cat breeder but tough financial times last year had forced her to move out of a $1.5 million mansion on Macleay Island in Moreton Bay.  She told the Southport Magistrates Court she no choice but to move into her car along with her pets which she considered to be her ‘children’.  An RSPCA inspector discovered Samuels and her pets in the undercover carpark of the Arundel Shopping Plaza in September after a complaint.  The court was told inside the car, which stank of ammonia, the inspector found 11 long-haired Persian cats and a Himalayan cat inside seven cages on the back seat and nine pomeranian dogs and two poodles beside the car.  Vet checks showed the cats were malnourished had matted fur, fleas and cat flu.

Look I’m not here to pile on the crazy cat lady. Shit is sad. Real sad. To go from the peaks of cat breeder luxury to the valleys of living in your van with 9 pomeranian dogs and 12 malnourished cats with feline AIDS is a tough pill to swallow.   From the penthouse to the litter box I believe the saying goes.  Just sucks that the Man had to stick it to this poor broad with a fine she obviously can’t afford while she’s got dog shit and cat flu all over her face.  Like cut the bitch some slack.