Pussies jump up. Warriors get down.

Fire & Ice -“We’re playing a different team defensively than maybe the Flyers.  I think they’re a lot more in our shooting lanes for our (defensemen), so we’ve just got to find ways to try to expose them a little more. We’ve done it in the regular season. Right now, they’re hot. They’re blocking pucks. Hopefully we’ll be able to hurt a few guys hitting one-timers off their foot and their head or something. Right now, they’re paying the price to win and that’s what playoff hockey is all about.” – Marty Brodeur

Well, well, well.  We knew New Jersey would make some adjustments after getting thoroughly outworked through Monday’s third period.  With more blocked shots for Rangers skaters than saves by Hank, it’s clear that the Devils need to find shooting lanes and get pucks on net.  Or, they can take Marty’s advice and start firing pucks at players’ faces.  Sick suggestion, sister-fucker.  Just start cranking your one-timers right into our skates to see how many feet bones you can shatter.  Victory by injury – what a genius plan.

Bro, don’t you know what team you’re playing?  You think some snipes to the skates are going to stop the Blueshirts?  These Rangers have been blocking shots with game seven intensity since the first day of the season.  It’s not just their playoff M.O. it’s their team’s whole freaking identity.  They live to sacrifice the body like Gumdrop lives for all-you-can-eat buffets.  Give a guy like Brian Boyle the choice between a mangled face and a playoff win and he’ll choose the win every single time and twice on Sundays.  Dudes like Prust would without hesitation pull every tooth from their mouth with a rusty skate blade if it meant lifting Lord Stanley.  You want to waste some of your shots duck hunting for exposed skin?  Bring it the fuck on.  Every puck to the skate is another one that’s not in the net so I can guarantee you won’t hear the Rangers, or my-safe-from-harm-self, complaining about it.  @Osgood_StoolNYC

Gumdrop’s Take:  “Damn, it’s the only time I’ll ever wish Sean Avery was still playing hockey…”

House Of Heckle:

Rangers – You still kind of dress like it’s 1994. That means wearing a t-shirt tucked into your Lee jeans, with fresh white New Balance sneakers on, and a cell phone holster on your hip (would have been a beeper in 94). You also have a moustache, and yell SHOOOOOTTT!!! regardless of whether or not the Rangers have the puck. If this isn’t a description of you, go take a good look at your dad.

House of Heckle: New Jersey: You paint your face red, and listen to Bruce Springsteen to get yourself pumped up before a game. You think Martin Brodeur should win the Vezina regardless of how his year goes. Also, you get mad when people stereotype New Jersey-ans, but your response usually validates all of the stereotyping.

When I say those two descriptions of the Rangers and Devils fans absolutely nailed it, I mean they absolutely nailed it.

~ Thanks to Matt and House of Heckle

I love the fact that this video has no sound. Its like a motion picture caption contest. Just add your own script.

Like for instance I pretended that was Feitelberg driving home drunk from a Blackout in his mascot gear.

Spend your entire life traveling the world, partying with celebrities and professional athletes. You’re basically a rock star except instead of playing the guitar you wear white gloves and play Secret Service to a big 4 foot tall bowl. Basically you’re only responsibility is to make sure nobody shits inside the Cup. I think. I’m not sure of the rules – I bet if you’re on the winning team you could dump in that thing.

This dude Mike Bolt has been one of the Keepers for 13 years. You know how much pussy you could get traveling the world with the most famous piece of hardware and champion hockey players for over a decade? Its like being a wingman for a new team every year. I mean its almost a new cast of characters who win the Stanley Cup every year – but if you’re one of the Keepers you’re a winner every season. Just you and the Cup. Picking up bitches all around the world. 2 man wrecking crew comprised of a nerd in white gloves and an inanimate bowl getting more ass than anyone over the past 13 years.

NJ.com – Bars in Point Pleasant Beach now find themselves in a worse position than they had feared: They will have to close at midnight starting in July under an ordinance approved by the borough council Tuesday night. But a separate measure that would permit the bars to continue to stay open until 2 a.m. if they pay an extra fee aimed at funding additional police patrols was postponed until June 12. So as it stands now, the bars have to shut down at midnight effective July 1, yet they have no mechanism to buy themselves more time to stay open. The bars currently are allowed to close at 2 a.m. Responding to complaints from residents about rowdy behavior from bar patrons heading back to their cars in the wee hours of the morning, the council proposed two ordinances: one closing the bars at midnight, the other allowing them to buy their way out of early closings by paying additional fees based on their occupancy. The council passed the midnight closing ordinance Tuesday night, but made minor changes to a second ordinance that would have allowed the bars to pay an addition fee to allow them to continue to stay open till 2 a.m. Those changes pushed back the final votes on that ordinance until June 12.

As far as I understand it, there’s a hierarchy of guidos at the Jersey Shore. At one end of the spectrum, you’ve got Headliner. Thats where you’re gonna get your trashbag guido crowd. Chicks with tattoos on their arms like they belong in a biker gang. On the opposite side of the spectrum, you’ve got Djais, where the “classy” guidos go, if you can pardon the oxymoron for argument’s sake. And stuck in the middle is Jenkinsons in Point Pleasant. You guys don’t know what you wanna be. You’re like Junior Varisty Seaside Heights. Like you don’t have people running around your boardwalk in a denim vest with no shirt on, and for the most part I feel like most people have a dental plan. But at the same time you’ve got that riff raff vibe goin. You’re definitely gelling your hair and wearing your button up shirt and gold chain not realizing that the guidos at Djais have already graduated from that look.

So now Jenks and Point Pleasant are stuck in limbo with their curfew the same way they’re stuck in limbo with their guido status. Not quite Manasquan. Not quite Belmar. Not quite Seaside. Is it gonna be 12? Is it gonna be 2? This is a big summer for Point Pleasant. If things go wrong you Jenkinsons fans might end up walking the board walk with no teeth and denim vests.

I’m out of the Yankee loop for like 2 days because of graduation and finals and shit and I come back to what looks like the losing side of a civil war battlefield. Fucking bodies everywhere, mass hysteria, downtrodden people just giving up. What the fuck happened?? In the past 2 weeks, the Yankee bullpen went from arguably the best in the league to a compilation of question marks and overpaid underachievers. The guest list for the DL is overflowing, and guys who can’t get into that club are still bruising elbows and getting viral infections, just for fun. Seriously, what the fuck happened?! I come back from a couple days of class bonding retreats and storing every useless bit of information I need to cheat on these tests into my TI-83 calculator to see KFC stepping on my turf and posting a Yankee blog. I’m a-goddamn-shamed.

Year 1998 Yankees would have been able to stay afloat with this sort of devastation. Even some of the early 2000 teams would have had a chance. But, as much as it pains me to say it, this year’s team will not do anything significant if it doesn’t get healthy. The Rays are solid, the Blue Jays are teasing all of our dicks again, as they do every April/May, and Baltimore looks… good? (The little paperclip in my Microsoft Word just jumped up and said, “Whoops! looks like you made a mistake and put the words “Baltimore” and “good” in the same sentence. Want me to correct this?” Not this year, clippy!) Bottom line is this: the Yankees aren’t going to be able to coast through the early months and then turn it on in the summer like they have in years past. New contenders are emerging, and it’s going to take a consistently high level of play to do something special. That can only happen if the team stops going shot-for-shot with injuries.

P.S.- Was this like the 7th Yankees/Baltimore series of the year already? If I see Wei-Yin Chen shut that lineup down one more time, I’m chugging bleach.

NY Post – The Devils have launched an online campaign to try to convince fans not to sell their tickets to their Rangers counterparts. The Devils’ plan concentrates on stopping Rangers fan from infiltrating The Rock in the secondary market, where Devils fan who cannot attend the game or games sell off their tickets. The #noblue is trending on Twitter and drawing some support and some taunts from Rangers fans.

So that’s what the rivalry’s come to, eh?  Denying access based on the color of one’s jersey?  How sadly segregated 1960′s of you, Devils fans, ruining the playoff party with your insane restrictions on secondary ticket markets.  What are you afraid of, us breeding with your ice girls and raising the kids to be Rangers fans?  Worried that invaders from some concrete jungle across the water will try and dilute the purity of your population?  Such sad, simple fears from a team that should be way more concerned with the game on the ice than the games in the stands.

The sheer fact that this initiative even exists (and the fact that it’ll without a doubt fail miserably) is just one giant testament to the superiority of Ranger fans.  Forget the on-ice successes per season stat for just a quick second and it’s pretty goddamn clear that you Devils fans are riddled with Ranger envy.  And who can blame you?  We’re in the city, you’re in the sewers.  We’re a profitable hockey market, your team’s flirting with bankruptcy.  We’re the featured TV match up damn near every week of the regular season, you guys couldn’t pay for primetime exposure (literally).  So because playing the Rangers means your home ice advantage is essentially non-existent, you guys set up some kind of border patrol to keep the bluebacks out?  Ha, good luck with that.  Tell me I can’t have something and my efforts to get it’ll double.  So on Saturday, when the Rock is filled with Blueshirts because some leathery mob wife just couldn’t turn down an MSG-cost-like-offer in order to tan her whole family for a year, you’ll have no one but to blame but yourselves.  @Osgood_StoolNYC

I don’t have any cash and I’m probably gonna play dead soon, but sure lets have another dance!

Huff Po – Robert Gene White, a 67-year-old man, received several lap dances at a Texas strip club Friday night, and when it came time to pay, workers found him unresponsive, KVIA reported. A manager of the Red Parrot in El Paso says employees tried to perform CPR on him, but were unsuccessful. KTSM reported that White suffered a heart attack while being entertained by the dancers. El Paso Sheriff’s deputies told the station that there were no immediate signs of foul play, but the investigation is still open.

These Texas strippers didn’t really let him get away with this, did they? Dude is conveniently “dead” when it came time to pay for his lap dances? Yea. Sure. Its called playing possum you dumb dancing whores. And Bobby Gene White probably unzipped that body bag a few miles down the road, sat up, and rubbed one out in the back of the ambulance to relieve the 5 free lap dances worth of blue balls he was rockin.

And the answer is Micaela Schaefer at the Men In Black 3 premiere. That dress looks like the black film strips inside a cassette tape, no? Which I am A-OK with. But I wonder how many chicks who aren’t trying to show off their asshole and/or areola this must piss off. They pick out a sleek and sexy yet respectable dress for the night. Hoping to take some red carpet pictures. Maybe make an appearance on the E! channel or Entertainment Tonight or maybe, just maybe, if you’re lucky, an appearance on Barstool New York’s Guess That Ass. But nope. That bitch over there with the strips of garbage bag covering her tits mooning the whole crowd every time the wind blows has officially stolen the show. Try again next time, you classy respectable movie stars. You wanna turn heads than get naked.

Fox News – The 2012 Preakness will feature Grammy Award-winning artists, all-you-can-drink beer, and a “party manimal” with a unicorn-man sidekick. Oh, and a horse race. Four years after organizers failed to transform Maryland’s most famous race into a family-friendly event, the Preakness is stepping up efforts to preserve its self-proclaimed “best party in Baltimore” status.  In need of an attendance boost, the Preakness abandoned its family-first outlook and re-emphasized the party atmosphere in 2010. Organizers chose “Get Your Preak On” as the cornerstone of their new, social-media marketing campaign. “The ‘Get Your Preak On’ campaign was edgy and controversial,” Chuckas said. “It put us on the map.” To sports marketing experts, the move indicated that the Maryland Jockey Club was more concerned with attendance than the race’s image. “The Preakness has made it known where they stand on their campaign. They are looking to fill the seats, and they have done so in lieu of their reputation,” said Ronald Oswalt, CEO of Sports Marketing Experts, a consulting firm. That year, organizers also introduced a special infield “MUG Club” ticket that included a bottomless mug of beer. “(In 2008) any individual could come to the Preakness loaded up with a keg of beer and 20 cases of beer,” Chuckas said. “We’ve provided the MUG Club … You can drink all day. As far as the best party, it’s a deal you can’t beat.” The MUG Club allows the infield to function much like a bar. Bartenders have the ability to cut people off, leading to fewer hospitalizations and injuries. “It was a wise decision by race personnel to make that change, and everyone seems to have a more enjoyable time. It’s a much classier event,” Gulielimi said, noting there were no arrests last year.

Score one for the good guys! For the fun people of the world! The common folk of the world who just wanna get a little boozy, make some memories, and maybe make a baby as horses run around in circles. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this world, its that people don’t like things that suck. And transforming one of the best parties on earth to a family friendly horse race most definitely sucks. The people at the Preakness temporarily lost their minds and drank the “Nobody should have fun in this world” Kool Aid and thought by shutting down the booze show at their horse race they were gonna change the world. And 4 years later do you know what they realized? They realized there are still tons of college kids getting shitfaced, throwing beers at each other, fighting and scrapping with each other, and getting arrested all over the country. The only difference was now their horse race sucked and they weren’t making any money.

Its like the whole media fiasco surrounding the Blackout Tour. Whether its the Blackout Tour or somewhere else, college kids are gonna drink and have sex. Whether its at a sold out concert featuring Dante and the Dream Team or a crowded frat party or crowded bar or another concert or event, any time you get a bunch of college kids together there are unfortunately gonna be a few altercations. Just the nature of getting a few thousand people together under any circumstances. It was that way before the Blackout Tour existed and it will be that way long after us. So in the meantime, we’re doubling down on the Blackout, unleashing the Fuckin Foam Tour and we’re gonna throw the funnest parties imaginable. Because just like the Preakness, we wanna give the people what they want and knock it out of the park.

Viva La Preakness! Viva La Stool! And Viva La Kegasus!