Omaha Creighton Prep officials threw a penalty flag when they learned that about 50 members of the school’s football team had planned a risqué scavenger hunt. The players’ goals included “a group photo with a topless chick,” “a pic with a fat chick,” “steal a yammaka from a Jewish synagogue” and “get into a yelling fight with a stranger in public.” Some of the players were photographed in front of Dr. John’s Lingerie Boutique. But administrators also learned that the players abandoned most of the objectionable activities in favor of those that were fun and silly rather than inappropriate, said the Rev. Thomas Merkel, president of the all-boys Catholic school. ”I’m disappointed in their plan because their plan is inconsistent with the mission of their school,” Merkel said. “I’m proud of the fact that they didn’t follow through on their plan.” Merkel said the students involved received in-school suspensions and were barred from extracurricular activities, including football practice. None of the students was expelled.

You know what the saddest part of this whole story is? There was some girl who woke up last Friday morning on Cloud 9. And she woke up on Cloud 9 because the Thursday before that all of the most popular football boys in school were showing more interest in her than ever. All of them were talking with her, joking with her. They even wanted to take pictures. She felt like the belle of the ball that Thursday afternoon.

And then this story comes out about the scavenger hunt. And you start to run down the list. She checks her pockets like “Nope, still have my yarmulke.” She thinks to herself, “I didn’t get in a shouting match in public yesterday.” “Definitely didn’t take off my shirt for anybody.”

Well guess what that means, sweetheart? You’re the fat chick of the scavenger hunt. Not just A fat chick. You’re THE Fat Chick. Capital F Capital C. The one that pops into everyone’s mind the moment they see “Pic with a fat chick.” The go-to for members of an organized treasure hunt looking for an overweight girl. Thats enough to drive a girl to kill herself.