There's a hierarchy of candy that exists. There's real life, quality candy, and then there's poor people candy. Bootleg, no name, fake brand candy that inevitably gets left in the bowl or your Halloween bag because you have standards as a human being. These are those candies,
Halloween is right around the corner. Which means its the Super Bowl for candy. Chocolate bars, lollipops, sour candy, bubble gum. All of it. Its candy’s time to shine.
But there’s a hierarchy of candy that exists. There’s real life, quality candy, and then there’s poor people candy. Bootleg, no name, fake brand candy that inevitably gets left in the bowl or your Halloween bag because you have standards as a human being. Certain candies that even 9 year old kids who’s entire lives revolve around sugar would still turn their nose up at and say “Are you fucking kidding me? Thats for poor people.” These are those candies. In no particular order, the Definitive List of Poor People Candy:
Are these chewable Tylenol pills? Are these mini Tums? Is this a stick of chalk chopped up into little slices and rolled up in plastic? Nope! Just Smarties! Enjoy eating these Baby Powder Tablets!
Every single piece of Dubble Bubble ever created tasted like it was made in 1906. Every single piece feels like its at least 100 years old and as stale as can be. Like is chewing gum supposed to be crunchy? You could break a tooth chewing this shit. Also, the flavor lasted about half a second. As soon as you unwrapped it the flavor was gone.
Good and Plenty and Mike and Ike
Good and Plenty straight up looks like pharmaceutical pills. You know when like 20/20 does a report on drugs and they show footage of pills in the factory getting shuffled along on conveyor belts and shit? Thats what Good and Plenty looks like. Mike and Ike’s are just as gross. If you eat these you are Poor and Classless.
Plain and simple if you eat candy that comes from those gumball machines, you’re a Poor. Put the quarter in the slot, crank the wheel, and grab a handful of rocks and pebbles shaped like fruit…yum!
I’m not so sure that black licorice isn’t just chewy tar. Sometimes I think its just asphalt that you see when the construction workers are paving the streets. Just little chewy nuggets of black tar. Shit tastes like fucking gasoline. Almost unfathomable that with all the choices of candies, people out there pick black licorice.
Hands down, far and away, the worst movie theater candy in the world. Its almost like Nestle has the movie theater industry by the balls and somehow forces them to carry these pieces of shit for sale. Like have you ever seen Sno Caps anywhere outside of the movie theater? Better question…what the fuck is a NONPAREIL? These taste like pennies covered in bitter chocolate topped off with sidewalk rock salt.
They’re just like fruit snacks, except shitty! Fat Free Candy = poor people shit.
Wax Soda Bottles
Never once seen a person eating these. Do you even eat these? Do you “drink” them? I guess the real question is, can you buy them with food stamps? Because if you drink Wax Sodas you’re poor.
Wax Red Lips
Really not sure if these were edible or not but it reminds me of the red bar of soap Ralphie has to put in his mouth in A Christmas Story
Admittedly I used to eat these. Actually let me clarify that. I used to probably end up eating more paper than I did dried up sugar dots. It was when I lived in the Bronx as a kid and I was poor. Dots = poor.
Pretty much incomprehensible that Hershey still trots these pieces of shit out every year. Enjoy your jaw being stuck together and rubbing your tongue against your teeth for the next two hours because that gooey gunk is stuck all up in your chompers for the rest of the night. Also good luck with those cavities because your family is probably too poor to afford dental care. Hope it was worth it! Note: it wasnt.
Salt Water Taffy
Taffy makes Milk Duds seem easy to chew. Fuck, taffy makes concrete seem easy to chew. Disgusting. If you’re in a position to get salt water taffy, then you’re most likely in a position to choose homemade fudge. Those two are always in the same place. And if you choose the taffy over the fudge, I cannot trust you as a person.
“Hey man you got any lollipops?” “Nah dude my family is poor you want some rock candy on a stick?”
Peach rings, and really any of the other no-name bags of candy that you’ll find hanging on the rack at your local bodega. Usually there’s peach rings, the peach rings that are straight up Neon Blue, trail mix. All sorts of poor people snacks lumped together at your local corner store where you’re spending your last dollars on blunts and candy,
Not exactly a “poor person candy,” but if you’re under the age of 80 and you eat these butterscotch candies you need to up your standards. I can’t wait until I’m 80 and I spend my social security checks on these and survive on nothing but Werther’s but until then, I’ll have some self respect.
Personally I kinda like Candy Corn. I like about 7 pieces of candy corn per year. No more, no less. But I recognize that the masses will probably consider you poor if you eat this. Also, not sure if people have seen these in the past, but this was the first year I learned why candy corn is called candy corn:
Almond Joy and Mounds
Sometimes you feel like a nut! Sometimes you’re poor! Seriously out of all the chocolate bars in the world – Twix, Snickers, Milky Way, Crunch Bars, Hershey Bars etc etc – who in their right mind is picking almonds or dark chocolate with coconut?? (Note: My wife told me she likes these candy bars the day before the wedding and I honestly thought about calling it off)
Now And Laters
More taffy shit = poor.
Brach’s Strawberry Candies
These piece of shit candies were eternally doomed to the candy tray at the doctor’s office or some other waiting room setting. Nobody ever, ever takes these. They are just sentenced to a life of sitting in a tray, unwanted by all that come across them.
Deplorable candy. Absolutely despicable. Its fucking MOLASSES. Like straight from the Triangle Trade of the West Indies Molasses. Unless you’re poor or living in the 1600′s in the New World, you should not be eating these
And the number 1 Poor People Candy – the Undisputed Champ of Poverty Sweets…drum roll please….
Fucking Circus Peanuts. If you have one ounce of pride as a human being, you don’t eat Circus Peanuts. I feel like maybe during the Great Depression Circus Peanuts were hot in the streets. Like these were a delicacy in Hooverville. But in the modern era, if you have a household income of over 1 US Dollar per year, you do not eat Circus Peanuts.
I’m sure there’s some more poor people candies that I missed. Let me know em and I’ll update the blog.