Little Beauty Queens Dropping F Bombs For Feminism

For the first time in my life I am 100% on board with feminism because of these little fucking bitches

Phenomenal. Absolutely A+ all around. For the first time in my life I am 100% on board with feminism because of these little fucking bitches. Its amazing what happens when  you stop shoving your hairy pits in our face and drop the whole “everyone is all about female inequality” shtick and just have a sense of humor about things. I bet more people watch this and share this than any of the other stuffy, uptight, fucking annoying approaches feminists usually take. That little girl saying she shouldn’t need a penis to get paid has done more for the feminist movement than all the Jezebels and the KO Barstools combined.

PS – 100% these chicks grow up to be the slutty party chicks in high school and defeat the whole feminist purpose.

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Mike Vick Promoting New iPhone App For Prison Inmates To Connect With Loved Ones

Cant knock the hustle!

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Is this real life? I double and triple checked that Mike Vick facebook page. It seems that its his official page. And here he is, the official spokesman for Connect Inmate. The dude has basically done everything he possibly could to distance himself from his past. Trying to put that all behind him. Move on from his incarceration. Separate Mike Vick the player from Mike Vick the criminal.

Unless of course the price is right, son! Cut me a check and I’ll promote your Tinder For Prison! I’m not exactly sure how this works because I was under the impression that prisoners in jail dont get to play with iPhones? I mean like even minimum security shit has a “No iPhones” rule right? Are there criminals in lock up swiping right and shit? Live tweeting life in jail? FaceTiming with their family and shit? I really dont even understand how Connect Inmate would work but its downright hilarious Vick is pumping it on his facebook page. “I was once in this position and God got me through it…but luckily you don’t need God anymore! You just need ConnectInmate.com! Check it out today before your sentencing!” Can’t knock the hustle!

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 11:11 AM

Renee Zellweger Says Her Face Looks Like A Completely Different Person Because She’s “Happy”

Who the fuck is Renee Zell-Wedger??

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Daily Mail – She shocked fans on Monday with her startlingly different face at the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards at the Four Seasons Hotel in California on Monday. But Renée Zellweger thinks all the web chatter about her so-called plastic surgery is ‘silly,’  ’It seems the folks who come digging around for some nefarious truth, which doesn’t exist won’t get off my porch until I answer the door,’ the 45-year-old Oscar winner told People on Tuesday.  ’I'm glad folks think I look different! I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows.’ The Case 39 actress – who’s been romancing Doyle Bramhall II since 2012 – said she’s spent the past few years ‘making a home,’ ‘loving someone,’ and ‘growing into myself.’ ’My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy,’ Zellweger insisted. 

How about Renee Zell-wedger giving us the old “I didnt get facial reconstruction surgery, I’m just happy!” Bitch you look like an entirely different human! No amount of yoga or carrot sticks or quote un-quote happiness is gonna make you look like you were genetically altered. I’m the Player Hater of The Year and if I all the sudden decided to just be happy go lucky I’m not gonna wake up looking like Brad Pitt. Like I just finally wrapped up the most expensive, stressful wedding in the history of matrimony and spent 10 days jetsetting around the Mediterranean and when I wake up I’m still looking like the same old guy. Still just Tom Brady’s retarded brother over here. My one eye ain’t waking up no matter how happy I am.

Its honestly insulting that a celebrity would try to pull this shit. Like its one thing when the Jewish girl in high school gets a nose job during the summer and comes back looking totally different and everyone just ignores the elephant in the room. Maybe, maybe, she says it was because of a sinus issue but for the most part those chicks just completely avoid explaining why their face is different altogether. But thats because she’s just a nobody in your high school. When you’re a celebrity and everyone knows what your fucking face already looks like, you can’t pull this shit. Just fucking admit to it. I don’t give a shit. Who cares? People spend thousands of dollars on clothes and make up and all sorts of other stuff in an effort to make themselves look better or prettier or sexier. Why not just spend the money directly on the cause of your ugliness and get surgery? Its 2014. We can fix stuff. Pay the money, fix the problem, and be happy. Just dont piss on my face and tell me it hasnt been surgically reconstructed.

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Last Night’s 30 For 30 “When The Garden Was Eden” Served As Proof That The Knicks Didn’t Always Suck Or Break Everyones Hearts

Well that was a pretty decent way to spend 90 minutes.  I have never been a huge Michael Rapaport fan, since he is usually all wound up and overexcited. But he seems to be a legit Knicks fan and this film was probably a labor of love.  From all the stories you hear, the early-70′s [...]

Well that was a pretty decent way to spend 90 minutes.  I have never been a huge Michael Rapaport fan, since he is usually all wound up and overexcited. But he seems to be a legit Knicks fan and this film was probably a labor of love.  From all the stories you hear, the early-70′s Knicks were the fucking bees knees when it came to watching hoops.  Nice ball movement, great teamwork, and every player mattered.  Plus they had personality and nicknames for days.  Clyde, Dollar Bill, Pearl, and even a young Zen Master.  

If we can’t get a documentary about all the crazy shit Phil Jackson and Walt Frazier did during the 70s in New York City, this was the next best thing. I loved almost everything about the “Winning Time” 30 for 30, and that ended with one of the biggest dick punches I have ever experienced as a fan. This doc was much easier to stomach.  

Some highlights:

Willis Reed once went HAM and beat the shit out of the entire Lakers team back in the day.  It was fucking incredible.

This guy saying whooooooa left a smile on my face for a solid 15 minutes

The Willis Reed Game 7 entrance still gives me goosebumps on top of my goosebumps.  If this happened in sports today, Twitter would break.  Fail whales for errrrybody.

Jerry Lucas is/was a certified madman, part 1

Jerry Lucas is/was a certified madman, part 2

Jerry Lucas is/was a certified madman, part 3

And finally, the Zen Master appears (who for the record, I fucking despised when he was the coach of the Bulls and Lakers. Team Van Gundy for life).

Once this 30 For 30 was over, I convinced myself that Phil Jackson will change the entire culture of the Knicks franchise and I will be attending a parade down the canyon of heroes in the next 5 years. But then I remembered that James Dolan owns the team and I sunk into a deep depression.  Finally, I found myself in a Knicks Youtube worm hole and landed on this video.

Knicks in 6 against a Western Conference team to be determined.  Go New York, Go New York, Go.

If you missed last night’s showing, you can set your DVR to record on Saturday, October 25th at 1:30am ET.

By theclemreport posted October 22nd, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Awesome E:60 Feature On Travis Hamonic

Pretty incredible TSN feature on The Hammer. Just an amazing example of an athlete going above and beyond to give back to fans.

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Click here for video

Pretty incredible TSN feature on The Hammer and how he lost his father unexpectedly at the age of 10. After every game Travis meets with young Isles fans who also have had the hardship of losing a parent and helps them cope with their loss. Long story short its water works city if you watch this. Just an amazing example of an athlete going above and beyond to give back to fans. The sort of feel good stories we need in sports, especially with all the awful stuff we’ve heard this past year.

By KFC posted October 21st, 2014 at 5:00 PM

Clem’s Casting Picks For Barstool Sports: The Movie

Here are my casting picks. And please remember...I'm not a real casting agent.

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After Super Producer BC released his gigantic laundry list of characters for Barstool Sports: The Movie, I knew I had to list my casting decisions.  So I went to the PicTriev Face Search website to see what they had to say on the matter.  I then made my decision based on the results.  Here are my casting picks.  And please remember:

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Clem Picks: Federico Castelluccio just jumps off the screen at me.  He has the hair and the face for the part, and we can do something about the nose.  If he was able to add a heavy Italian accent as Furio in The Sopranos, he can transition to the accent of a Boston Blogger.  Get your pupcorn ready.

Kmarko

PicTriev Says:

kmarko

Clem Picks: There is not a lot of KMarko seen in front of the camera, so I think the top pick of Cody Longo should be fine.  

Feitelberg

PicTriev Says:

feits

 

Clem Picks: Lady Feitelberg, indeed.  The Feminine Meter is off the charts for Feits.  My #barstoolconfession is that I put up multiple pictures of Feitelberg in order to get a better set of results, but it always shot back 2-5 females.  One of the lists had Michael Rappaport as a possibility, so my answer is Young Michael Rappaport for Feits.  Think around the time Rappaport was Remy from Higher Learning.  Both looks-wise and racist-wise.  There would also be a role for Feitelberg in the movie, but he would be playing the role of his dog.

KFC

PicTriev Says:

kfc

 

Clem Picks: KFC came back from his honeymoon so he could be compared to Jeff Branson and Channing Tatum?  That’s not how his life goes.  I autocorrected PicTriev and went with Kevin Connolly.  You can follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport, as he will likely never let me blog for any of his sites again after that comment.

Big Cat (Early Barstool)

PicTriev Says:

bigcat11

 

Clem Picks: When Big Cat was just a kitten at The Stool, he had some life in his face.  So we are going to let the girls who actually see this movie get swooned by Nick Jonas playing the role of El Gato Pequeno.

Big Cat (Current)

PicTriev Says: 

bigcat2

 

Clem Picks: Again, I put in a billion different pictures to avoid having to use some random foreign actors for Big Cat.  But stache don’t lie.  If I had to pick one of these guys, I guess I would go with the surely wide range of Meka Skiranth.  But based on the picture of BC above, I am going to pick Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to play the pivotal role of El Gato Grande.

khalid-sheikh-mohammed-300x224

 

Read the rest of this entry »

By theclemreport posted October 21st, 2014 at 4:10 PM

Cop Tries To Arrest Subway Performer, Pulls Out The Rulebook And Is Dead Wrong

There's absolutely nothing worse than when you think you're about to play your trump card and you're just dead. ass. wrong.

YoutubeOne of NYPD’s finest arrests a man for playing in the subway after he recites the law word for word that allows him to perform for donations. He continues to sing as he is being handcuffed. A “fuck the police” chant subsequently follows.

Video is a little bit slow, but right at the 1:45 mark the cop is reading straight from the law book and just walks right into a buzz saw at the end saying its perfectly legal to perform for donations:

Except as expressly permitted in this subdivision, no person shall engage in any nontransit uses upon any facility or conveyance. Nontransit uses are noncommercial activities that are not directly related to the use of a facility or conveyance for transportation. The following nontransit uses are permitted by the Authority, provided they do not impede transit activities and they are conducted in accordance with these rules: public speaking; campaigning; leafletting or distribution of written noncommercial materials; activities intended to encourage and facilitate voter registration; artistic performances, including the acceptance of donations

and then all the hipsters on the subway jump in and start talking shit to the cops:

There’s absolutely nothing worse than when you think you’re about to play your trump card and you’re just dead. ass. wrong. When you’re arguing with your girlfriend and you’re like “Let me pull up the text messages, I’ll show you” and they prove her completely right. Or you’re arguing with your buddy and you’re like “Pull up his stats. Pull them up!” and you realize the guy never hit more than 20 home runs in a single season. Or in this case when you whip out the rule book and start to get all cocky with your tone and the finger pointing and shit only to read the exact words verbatim that proves you completely wrong. Its just the most demoralizing thing imaginable. Right up there with when you’re at a sporting even trying to start a chant and you just fail miserably and you’re the guy who’s quietly murmuring “De-fense!” all by himself.

But I gotta tip my cap to this cop for sticking with it. At that point he knew he was beyond the point of no return and just needed to stick to his guns and couldnt give in to this hipster doofus. Just making up police words like “ejecting.” I’m not arresting you, I’m ejecting you! You’re being discharged from this public forum on account of confrontation disobedience! Just mumble some mumbo jumbo until your buddies show up, physically assault this guy, and never concede you were wrong. Drive all the way out to the Hamptons if you have to.

By KFC posted October 21st, 2014 at 3:20 PM

The Definitive List Of Poor People Candy

There's a hierarchy of candy that exists. There's real life, quality candy, and then there's poor people candy. Bootleg, no name, fake brand candy that inevitably gets left in the bowl or your Halloween bag because you have standards as a human being. These are those candies,

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Halloween is right around the corner. Which means its the Super Bowl for candy. Chocolate bars, lollipops, sour candy, bubble gum. All of it. Its candy’s time to shine.

But there’s a hierarchy of candy that exists. There’s real life, quality candy, and then there’s poor people candy. Bootleg, no name, fake brand candy that inevitably gets left in the bowl or your Halloween bag because you have standards as a human being. Certain candies that even 9 year old kids who’s entire lives revolve around sugar would still turn their nose up at and say “Are you fucking kidding me? Thats for poor people.” These are those candies. In no particular order, the Definitive List of Poor People Candy:

Smarties

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Are these chewable Tylenol pills? Are these mini Tums? Is this a stick of chalk chopped up into little slices and rolled up in plastic? Nope! Just Smarties! Enjoy eating these Baby Powder Tablets!

Dubble Bubble

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Every single piece of Dubble Bubble ever created tasted like it was made in 1906. Every single piece feels like its at least 100 years old and as stale as can be. Like is chewing gum supposed to be crunchy? You could break a tooth chewing this shit. Also, the flavor lasted about half a second. As soon as you unwrapped it the flavor was gone.

Good and Plenty and Mike and Ike

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Good and Plenty straight up looks like pharmaceutical pills. You know when like 20/20 does a report on drugs and they show footage of pills in the factory getting shuffled along on conveyor belts and shit? Thats what Good and Plenty looks like. Mike and Ike’s are just as gross. If you eat these you are Poor and Classless.

Rascals

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Plain and simple if you eat candy that comes from those gumball machines, you’re a Poor. Put the quarter in the slot, crank the wheel, and grab a handful of rocks and pebbles shaped like fruit…yum!

Black Licorice

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I’m not so sure that black licorice isn’t just chewy tar. Sometimes I think its just asphalt that you see when the construction workers are paving the streets. Just little chewy nuggets of black tar. Shit tastes like fucking gasoline. Almost unfathomable that with all the choices of candies, people out there pick black licorice.

Sno Caps

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Hands down, far and away, the worst movie theater candy in the world. Its almost like Nestle has the movie theater industry by the balls and somehow forces them to carry these pieces of shit for sale. Like have you ever seen Sno Caps anywhere outside of the movie theater? Better question…what the fuck is a NONPAREIL? These taste like pennies covered in bitter chocolate topped off with sidewalk rock salt.

Jujubes

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They’re just like fruit snacks, except shitty! Fat Free Candy = poor people shit.

Wax Soda Bottles

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Never once seen a person eating these. Do you even eat these? Do you “drink” them? I guess the real question is, can you buy them with food stamps? Because if you drink Wax Sodas you’re poor.

Wax Red Lips

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Really not sure if these were edible or not but it reminds me of the red bar of soap Ralphie has to put in his mouth in A Christmas Story

Paper Dots

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Admittedly I used to eat these. Actually let me clarify that. I used to probably end up eating more paper than I did dried up sugar dots. It was when I lived in the Bronx as a kid and I was poor. Dots = poor.

Milk Duds

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Pretty much incomprehensible that Hershey still trots these pieces of shit out every year. Enjoy your jaw being stuck together and rubbing your tongue against your teeth for the next two hours because that gooey gunk is stuck all up in your chompers for the rest of the night. Also good luck with those cavities because your family is probably too poor to afford dental care. Hope it was worth it! Note: it wasnt.

Salt Water Taffy

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Taffy makes Milk Duds seem easy to chew. Fuck, taffy makes concrete seem easy to chew. Disgusting. If you’re in a position to get salt water taffy, then you’re most likely in a position to choose homemade fudge. Those two are always in the same place. And if you choose the taffy over the fudge, I cannot trust you as a person.

Rock Candy

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“Hey man you got any lollipops?” “Nah dude my family is poor you want some rock candy on a stick?”

Peach Rings

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Peach rings, and really any of the other no-name bags of candy that you’ll find hanging on the rack at your local bodega. Usually there’s peach rings, the peach rings that are straight up Neon Blue, trail mix. All sorts of poor people snacks lumped together at your local corner store where you’re spending your last dollars on blunts and candy,

Werther’s Original

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Not exactly a “poor person candy,” but if you’re under the age of 80 and you eat these butterscotch candies you need to up your standards. I can’t wait until I’m 80 and I spend my social security checks on these and survive on nothing but Werther’s but until then, I’ll have some self respect.

Candy Corn

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Personally I kinda like Candy Corn. I like about 7 pieces of candy corn per year. No more, no less. But I recognize that the masses will probably consider you poor if you eat this. Also, not sure if people have seen these in the past, but this was the first year I learned why candy corn is called candy corn:

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Almond Joy and Mounds

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Sometimes you feel like a nut! Sometimes you’re poor! Seriously out of all the chocolate bars in the world – Twix, Snickers, Milky Way, Crunch Bars, Hershey Bars etc etc – who in their right mind is picking almonds or dark chocolate with coconut?? (Note: My wife told me she likes these candy bars the day before the wedding and I honestly thought about calling it off)

Now And Laters

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More taffy shit = poor.

Brach’s Strawberry Candies

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These piece of shit candies were eternally doomed to the candy tray at the doctor’s office or some other waiting room setting. Nobody ever, ever takes these. They are just sentenced to a life of sitting in a tray, unwanted by all that come across them.

Mary Janes

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Deplorable candy. Absolutely despicable. Its fucking MOLASSES. Like straight from the Triangle Trade of the West Indies Molasses. Unless you’re poor or living in the 1600′s in the New World, you should not be eating these

And the number 1 Poor People Candy – the Undisputed Champ of Poverty Sweets…drum roll please….

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Fucking Circus Peanuts. If you have one ounce of pride as a human being, you don’t eat Circus Peanuts. I feel like maybe during the Great Depression Circus Peanuts were hot in the streets. Like these were a delicacy in Hooverville. But in the modern era, if you have a household income of over 1 US Dollar per year, you do not eat Circus Peanuts.

I’m sure there’s some more poor people candies that I missed. Let me know em and I’ll update the blog.

By KFC posted October 21st, 2014 at 2:30 PM
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