TMZ – New York Jets running back Michael Goodson was arrested in Jersey early this morning after cops say the 25-year-old was in possession of weed and a loaded hand gun. According to cops, Goodson — who was signed by the Jets during the off-season to compete for the starting RB job — was a passenger in an SUV that was parked along Route 80 in Denville, NJ. Cops say both Goodson and the driver of the vehicle appeared WASTED. During the encounter, cops say Goodson was found to be in possession of weed (less than 50 grams) — PLUS a loaded .45 caliber and hollow-point bullets. Cops say Goodson was so intoxicated that he was transported to a local hospital for treatment. The driver of the SUV has been charged with DUI.
Hey Mike do me a favor and put one of those hollow points right into my fucking skull because I’d rather be dead than root for this football team.
Alright so last week I said anyone who finished ahead of me would get $1,000 cash from me. Thats how confident I was in my team. I figured there was no way I finished any lower than 2nd place.
I came in 245th. So that means I owe Stoolies $244,000. This week we’re going double or nothing. Meaning if I come in 244th or better, we’re even. If I come in 245th or worse, add it to my tab. This week I also just scrolled through available players and randomly picked them and did minimal juggling to fit salary wise. So its completely arbitrary this week.
I’m about to collect all my Internet Dollars back.
When I first realized Candice was this week’s contender, I thought it was gonna be an absolute bloodbath. Still very well could be. But as I went back and grabbed Mermaid Amber’s pictures I realized her ass is not to be trifled with. Candice has the reputation and the beauty but if we’re going ass to ass this is a fair fight. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if Candice takes down the title and goes on a run. Almost like Lebron finally winning a ring and now theres a potential for a dynasty. But Mermaid Amber’s ass ain’t no patsy.
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CBS – On Wednesday night, 41-year-old John Allison of Potsdam, New York went to a grocery store and grabbed a large STICK OF PEPPERONI. Then he unzipped his pants, whipped it out, and rubbed HIS stick on the pepperoni stick. Then he put the pepperoni back on the shelf. The pepperoni WAS wrapped, so there was NOT genital-on-meat contact . . . but it’s still very, very unsanitary. A security guard watched the entire thing go down on a surveillance camera. John was arrested for public lewdness and criminal mischief. The grocery store threw out the pepperoni.
Hey dude you know how I know you’re gay? Because you rubbed a giant pepperoni all over your dick. You totally wanna touch real life wieners with a guy don’t you? I remember my Psych 101 class, I can put the pieces together. When you grab the biggest ‘roni on the shelf and make it intimate with your crotch then it means you’re a closeted homosexual. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s 2013, the gay is here to stay. Coming out is the new hotness brah. No need to be raping cured meats anymore. Time to get loud and proud and find a shaft that will love you back and isn’t a pizza topping.
Yahoo – Ricardo Cerezo, of Geneva, Ill., got an extremely sweet surprise after looking in his cookie jar recently. ”I can’t believe I had $4.85 million in a cookie jar for over three months,” Cerezo told the Geneva Patch, after rediscovering several old Lottery tickets he had kept in the jar for safe keeping. Over time, Cerezo had accumulated 11 Lotto tickets that he saved in the cookie jar for a rainy day. But at his wife’s suggestion, he eventually took them to be checked for possible winnings, which proved to be excellent advice. Cerezo, 44, owned the winning ticket from the Feb. 2 Lotto drawing, which he hadn’t bothered to check until May. And on May 15, at the Aurora, Ill., 7-Eleven where he originally purchased the winning ticket, Cerezo received a check from the Illinois Lottery officials for $4.85 million. “I’m awestruck, this is unbelievable,” he said.
I’m so sick of people winning money who aren’t me. It’s just flat out annoying. And it’s always some idiot redneck in a little hick town or an elderly couple who’s gonna die soon anyway or a person in the hood who needs to pay it all to child support immediately. What about people like me who would do something positive with the money? Like giving back to society in the form of supporting single mothers and entrepreneurs i.e. hookers and drug dealers. Keep my local independent establishments in business by blacking myself out at them every day. Make medical professionals feel like they’re making a difference for curing the countless STDs I’d inevitably get. And make sure a casket maker has a good year when he builds me the solid gold and ivory casket that I’d be buried in.
It’s really what I’m aspiring towards. Happen upon found money that I use to slowly murder myself while making a lot of other people slightly richer off my death. I think that’s the definition of charity.
PS – Powerball up to $550 million for tonight. If I win the first thing I’m doing is buying every single ticket to one of Kanye West’s shows so I can just sit there in an empty arena and throw cabbages at him. Then obviously I’d do two chicks at the same time.
Mullet. City. Population: This pants pooping bandit.
TC Palm – A man who said he fled an accident scene because he had “bad” Chinese food and didn’t want to poop in his pants was arrested on a misdemeanor charge, according to a recently released affidavit. What could be called the case of the driver who didn’t wish to defecate in his drawers began about 6:30 a.m. May 6 in Port St. Lucie when a police officer went to the 500 block of Southwest Todd Avenue for a traffic crash. A man told the officer a red pick-up truck left after backing into his vehicle. Shortly after that, Carlos Baca, 27, returned to the scene. The man identified Baca and his vehicle from the crash. “Baca reported he left briefly because he had ‘bad’ Chinese food and did not want to defecate in his pants,” an affidavit states. “Baca apologized for leaving, but believed he had no choice, as he was on the verge of defecating in his pants.” Baca said he had no license, and apologized for driving without one. The affidavit did not state where Baca apparently got the Chinese food, nor did it state whether Baca defecated in his trousers.
There are certain times in life that you can excuse criminal behavior. For example – I, for one, personally believe if you wake up in a stranger’s house and you’ve been drugged and you have cum all over your face, I think you can justifiably murder someone. In a much less morbid and tragic example, if you have a colon full of beef and broccoli with garlic sauce and you’re about to shit yourself, you should get a free pass on a hit and run fender bender. There should be legal loopholes and stipulations stating if its a non-violent crime with no injuries and you’re about to fill your pantaloons with a donkey sized load of poop, you are absolved from all wrong doing until the bathroom situation is rectified. Its not like this guy thought he wasn’t guilty. He returned to the scene. Explained himself and apologized. To be perfectly honest, if this Mexican shit himself on the scene and police had to arrest him with a huge dump in his khakis, they probably would have ended up tasing him and shit out of spite. He went home, took care of business, returned to the scene and accepted his punishment. Nothing but a goddam gentleman.
BlackSportsOnline – The pile on Mark Sanchez tour is at full steam, and doesn’t look to be stopping anytime sooner. If and when Sanchez is released or traded, I don’t think Carolina is where he’ll end up. Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith is known for voicing his opinion and speaking his mind. Smith was the guest host this morning on Charlotte radio station WFNZ and let Sanchez have it according to The Sporting News. “I wouldn’t let Mark Sanchez throw me a paper bag sandwich,”
I’ll be honest, I don’t even think this is a good joke at all but I guess the point is Mark Sanchez sucks. Which, by now, you don’t need a good joke to say that about Mark so I don’t think there’s any way I can knock him. I wouldn’t let Sanchez throw me a beer, throw me a bone, anything at all involving throwing or passing, Mark is not your ideal candidate.
Unless we’re talking about him throwing me a legal 17 year old that’s down to fuck. You can say a lot of things about Mark Sanchez but saying he doesn’t know how to bang jailbait ain’t one of em.
PS – I think that’s where he got the headband. Took it from her one day after they finished up.