Homeless Dude Spends His Last Money On Winning Lottery Ticket

Man, fuck this guy. Fuck stories like this

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(NEWSER) – Reality doesn’t really tend to work this way, but László Andraschek’s tale is the stuff of fantasy: En route to a program for recovering alcoholics, the unemployed, indebted Hungarian man was down to his last few coins when he decided to buy a lottery ticket. “I had only picked six numbers and the female shop assistant reminded me that I needed to pick a seventh,” he said. “I told her to make it 24—it doesn’t matter, anyway.” In fact, it did: Andraschek won some $2.8 million, the Guardian reports. The 55-year-old paid his debts and biked to a car dealer to get a new mode of transportation—though he can’t drive, so his three kids will have to take the wheel. He also bought apartments for those children, is planning a trip to Italy, and has taken care of other family members’ debts. But notably, he’s using the money to help others: Andraschek’s good fortune was kept quiet until he recently made a hefty donation to a homeless shelter. He’s also setting up foundations to help addicts and victims of domestic abuse. “I have become rich, but I have not become a different person,” he says

Man, fuck this guy. Fuck stories like this. Some derelict Hungarian has basically flushed his life down the toilet and now he’s a millionaire and I’m supposed to be like “Awww what a great story!” like its some sort of Disney movie or something? For sure not. Its always scumbags and meth heads who win the lottery and I’m sick and fucking tired of it. Like if there is a God, he’s a total dick about who he decides to bless with literally millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing. Laszlo is drunk and homeless and just about thrown away all that life has to offer and how does the universe and karma reward him? $2.8 million. Yea that makes perfect sense.

When are we gonna start to hear the stories of a gainfully employed blogger who brings joy and laughter to millions of people spending some of his hard earned paycheck on a winning lottery ticket? When does the lottery gods decide thats who’s gonna hit the jackpot? Because this only-toothless-people-win-the-lottery routine is getting a little fucking played out.

PS – Captain of Team Lazy Eye. Me, Matt Harvey and László Andraschek – the laziest eyes in the game. Laszlo almost has one normal eye and one over-active eye. You know what I’m saying? Its almost the opposite of a lazy eye. Bulging eye or something.

By KFC posted February 17th, 2014 at 4:00 PM

Horse Moves Into Couple’s Home During Hurricane, Now Refuses To Leave

If I had to pick an animal to move into my house against my will, horse would be at the bottom of my list.

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MirrorNasar, three, moved into Stephanie Arndt’s home in December to avoid Hurricane Xaver – but now he’s got a bit too comfortable. When a German woman let her horse stay in her home to escape the stormy weather, it was supposed to be a temporary arrangement. But Nasar, a three-year-old Arabian horse got so comfortable in owner Stephanie Arndt’s home, he just doesn’t want to leave. Arndt thought taking him into the house was the safest option when Hurricane Xaver tore through Germany in December. Now, more than a month on, Nasar spends more time in the house than he does in his nearby stables. ”He is not a fan of the wind and the rain,” Arndt told Germany’s Die Welt newspaper, before explaining that he’s developed a taste for jelly sweets and fruit juice and enjoys playing the keyboard. Sort of. But Arndt says she insists on Nasar sleeping in his stables and makes sure he returns every night before bed – no matter how long that takes.

Hey horse you gonna start paying rent bro? At least chip in for toilet paper and groceries and shit. Maybe show up with a 30 rack or something? Nobody likes that one friend who over stays their welcome and just ends up squatting at your place too long. The buddy who just “needs a place to crash for a night” and ends up sticking around for like a week. Says he’s just in town for a couple of days and then ends up like The Guy On The Couch in Half Baked. Nobody likes that guy. Especially when “that guy” is a fucking thousand pound horse. Sorry you don’t like the wind and the rain Nasar but I can’t have you shitting in the living room, pal. Time to get a place of your own. Pay for your own jelly and fruit juice.

PS – If we’re being completely honest with each other, I’m kinda terrified of horses. Like everyone made fun of Eric Berry for having that horse phobia but I’m kinda right there with him. I think its from that scene in The Cell where the horses are sliced into a million pieces or The Ring when all the dead horses are washing up on the beach. There’s always weird freaky shit going on with horses in movies. If I had to pick an animal to move into my house against my will, horse would be at the bottom of my list.

By KFC posted February 17th, 2014 at 3:00 PM

Drunk Father Makes His 8 Year Old Drive Him Home From The Bar

Its one thing if you're shitfaced and your kid is right there in front of you and you make him get behind the wheel. But when you gotta tell him to hop on his Schwinn to come meet you at the bar, thats some next level shit.

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PolandMikolaj Tomaszewski decided not to call a cab and instead ordered his son Juliusz to cycle to the pub and drive him home. But disaster struck when the schoolboy struggled behind the wheel of the Opel Corsa and he pulled in front of a car coming the other way at a crossing.  That sent him careering over the road and into a third car. The father and son were among five people taken to hospital with cuts and bruising following the accident in Gielniow, Poland. Mr Tomaszewski was later arrested for endangering the life of a minor and causing an accident. He faces up to five years in jail if convicted.  He told police that he had allowed his son to practice driving at the weekends in a local supermarket car park and thought it would be fine for him to drive the short distance from the pub to home. 

Its one thing if you’re shitfaced and your kid is right there in front of you and you make him get behind the wheel. That makes perfect sense. You’re bombed, he’s not, you need a driver. Bingo bango give him the keys, problem solved. But when you gotta tell him to hop on his Schwinn to come meet you at the bar, thats some next level shit. Mothers Against Drunk Driving would be proud. Sure if you’re gonna call someone to come get you, you might as well call a cab driver or perhaps someone who’s old enough that they don’t still poop in their pants. And yea, when your 8 year old ends up getting in a 3 car pile up on the drive home anyway, it kind of negates you trying to be safe about drinking and driving. But its the thought that counts here. Mikolaj Tomaszewski teaching young Juliusz the valuable lesson to never get behind the wheel after drinking.


By KFC posted February 17th, 2014 at 2:00 PM

Chinese Factory Worker So Miserable About His Job Decided To Feed Himself To Tigers At The Zoo

Some people pick up a hobby when they get bored at work. Maybe take a class or a course or something. Some people go back to school. And then there are Asians who sacrifice themselves to zoo animals.

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Daily Mail – Chinese zoo keepers managed to save the life of a mentally disturbed man after he announced he wanted to improve the lives of caged tigers at a local zoo by offering them his own body to eat. Yang Jinhai, 27, had posted several online messages about how optimistic he was about starting a new life after getting a job as a security guard in Chengdu in southwest China’s Sichuan province. But he quickly found the job boring and monotonous and moved instead to a job in a printing factory where he also then resigned, saying that he felt there was more to life. After going to the local zoo he wrote how depressing it was to see the ‘noble and magnificent tigers’ living in such humble surroundings, where they were caged and unable to follow their natural instincts to hunt and kill.  He then announced that he had decided to sacrifice himself in order to provide the Bengal tigers with support. Eyewitness Feng Lin said: ‘He climbed up the outside of the cage and jumped inside expecting, I assume, that the tigers would pounce on him. Instead the two tigers, a male and a female, seemed more nervous than anything else and the female actually ran off.  ‘He then tried to antagonise the tigers by pulling faces at them. Eventually he was attacked by the male where he was cut after being scratched and bitten before he could be rescued by zoo keepers who fired a tranquilliser dart at the male tiger.’ They then pulled the man out of the cage. Yang’s family told local media Mr Jinhai had been depressed for a long time and said that he had been taken to a home where he was given psychiatric counselling to cope with his problems.

Some people pick up a hobby when they get bored at work. Maybe take a class or a course or something. Some people go back to school. Some people look for a new job that would be more fulfilling.

And then there are Asians who sacrifice themselves to zoo animals. Just add it to the list. Reason 2,756,095 why Asians are from outer space. Although I gotta say, until you’re a security guard in a Chinese printing factory, you probably don’t know true misery. Like we all know how much work sucks. All the Cubicle Monkeys of the world probably think they’ve experienced rock bottom in the world of employment. But never was I so depressed that I thought about feeding myself to a tiger. Thats some next level misery that I think can only be experienced when you’re working in a Chinese factory. Almost poetic that a man who felt dejected about being trapped in a mediocre life tried to kill himself in the confines of a zoo. A monkey sacrificing himself to a tiger. The symbolism is overwhelming.

By KFC posted February 17th, 2014 at 1:00 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Dude Who Broke Into His Neighbor’s Apartment While Tripping On Acid, Thought He Was Jack Bauer And Stuffed All Their Credit Cards Inside A Chocolate Muffin?

I'm trying to decide if this should be considered a good trip or a bad trip.

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DM – A Seattle couple returned home on Sunday to find their apartment a mess, a frozen crab balancing on their bike, cat litter in the sink, a frozen pie in the oven and all their credit cards stuffed inside a chocolate muffin. However rather than panic and fear they had been robbed, Derek Doerschel and his fianceé Danielle Green quickly came to suspect their neighbor, David Stolte – who they were aware suffered from mental health issues. Indeed, as Doerschel phoned police he spotted a Stolte crouched in an alley adjacent to the apartment – who police promptly arrested. Law enforcement said that they suspected he had taken LSD, causing him to think he was Jack Bauer from the television show 24. Stolte, 30, was arrested and charged with residential burglary.


I’m trying to decide if this should be considered a good trip or a bad trip. On one hand, getting arrested for residential burglary always sucks. Total buzz kill for sure. But on the other hand, this dude thought he was Jack Bauer, and being Jack Bauer is probably pretty bad ass. Get to fight invisible terrorists and shit. Save America from the bad guys. Be a famous, beloved hero. I mean yeah, in reality he was just balancing crabs on bikes and dumping cat litter in the sink and cooking frozen pies and stuffing credit cards in chocolate muffins. But in his mind he was racing against the clock, trying to save the US from a deadly attack. I might trade a little arrest for the rush and excitement of being a secret agent for a few hours. You know how rare it is for a person to get to be Jack Bauer? Super rare.


PS – If you have a history of mental health issues, doses are probably a bad idea. They don’t really help with normalizing things too much.

By JMac posted February 17th, 2014 at 11:31 AM

Dog Runs On Field During Soccer Game, Takes A Huge Shit Like A Boss

Not one iota of stage fright in this pup right here.


I think the one thing I’m most jealous of dogs for is their ability to take shits whenever and wherever they please. Not one iota of stage fright in this pup right here. Dude just nonchalantly jogged out into the middle of a huge stadium, sniffed around a little bit, then dominated one right in everyone’s eye. That’s how it’s done. Having tons of fun running around, all excited and playing, bending biscuits whenever the mood strikes. Dogs FTW!


PS – I’ll take watching a dog shit over watching a full soccer game every time.

By JMac posted February 17th, 2014 at 10:50 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Chick Who Made Up An Elaborate Story About Getting Raped So She Wouldn’t Get In Trouble For Missing Work?

Can't say I understand the logic behind this one.

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NYDN – A Florida woman wasn’t raped after all — she just didn’t want to get in trouble for missing work, authorities said. Alexandra Westover, 21, of Boca Raton, had reported a frightening, broad-daylight attack to the Palm Beach Sheriff’s Office. The tale, which authorities now say is fake, was full of details. She told detectives she had a flat tire about 9 a.m. on Tuesday and pulled over in the side of the Florida Turnpike. A white man in a white vehicle soon pulled over and asked if she needed help, Westover reportedly told authorities. The man supposedly asked for a sharp object to pry the hubcap loose. When she opened her passenger door and leaned in, the man attacked, shoving her from behind and sexually assaulting her in the car, Westover reported, according to police.

Crime fighters launched a full-scale search for the phantom rapist, wasting more than 100 man hours before Westover finally admitted the hoax, according to a sheriff’s office statement. Detectives were already growing suspicious of the woman’s tale of a rush hour rape, the Orlando Sentinel reported. The Florida Highway Patrol reviewed turnpike video and couldn’t find images Westover’s vehicle anywhere on the recordings. Her dad eventually called the sheriff’s office and told them Westover had admitted to making up the story, the paper reported. A deputy followed up and Westover admitted she lied because she didn’t want to get in trouble for skipping work at her great-uncle’s house, the paper reported. Westover didn’t respond to phone calls from the Daily News. She was arrested on Thursday on a charge of falsely reporting a crime and a misdemeanor perjury count.


Can’t say I understand the logic behind this one. Like what do you think would be more difficult to deal with – getting yelled at by your boss for missing work, or having to lie about being fake raped by a rapist you invented for the rest of your life? Pretty sure option #2 would be a little bit shittier. Everyone you know thinking you got sexually assaulted, treating you differently, your whole life now completely altered because the world thinks you went through an incredibly horrific ordeal. Or you just get chewed out by your great uncle for a few minutes. I dunno, maybe her uncle is way meaner than a rape? Not very likely though.

I mean I’ve been late for work plenty of times in my life, but the getting butt-stuffed by a stranger on the highway excuse never crossed my mind. Usually went with traffic, delayed trains, weather, etc. Tacking on a rape to your already fabricated flat tire story just feels greedy to me.

Anyway, I’m sure feminists will be all over this chick for perpetuating rape culture. Because feminists always call out both genders for stuff like this…

By JMac posted February 17th, 2014 at 10:10 AM

Leo Dicaprio Turned Down Hocus Pocus

Gilbert Grape doesn't get your dick sucked - Hocus Pocus does.


Yahoo – When Leonardo DiCaprio was 18, he turned down the role of Max Dennison in Disney’s beloved 1993 flick “Hocus Pocus,” and in a new interview with Variety, the 39-year-old actor is finally explaining why he passed on the Hollywood comedy despite being offered “more money than I ever dreamed of.” So why pass on all that cash? Leo was holding out for the role of Arnie Grape in the indie flick “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.” But at the time the star turned down “Hocus Pocus,” he hadn’t even auditioned for the role he truly wanted. Leo told the mag, “I don’t know where the hell I got the nerve. You live in an environment where you’re influenced by people telling you to make a lot of money and strike while the iron’s hot. But if there’s one thing I’m very proud of, it’s being a young man who was sticking to my guns.” And it’s a good thing he did. Leo landed the role of Johnny Depp’s character’s mentally handicapped brother in the film and earned his first Oscar nomination for his performance. Check out the vid to see the role that could have been and be sure to tune in to “The Insider” on TV tonight for the latest in entertainment news.

You’ll often hear stories about actors who turn down roles that turn out the be biggest mistake of their lives. Will Smith turned down The Matrix and Keanu Reeves went on to make a zillion dollars off it. Jack Nicholson turned down the role of Michael Corleone and Godfather immortality. The list goes on and on. But none of them even comes close to Leo Dicaprio turning down Hocus Pocus. I can’t even fathom the amount of pussy that one could get if they starred in that movie. Chicks have an unnatural, unhealthy obsession with that flick. Combine that with the world’s obsession with 90s nostalgia and Leonardo Dicaprio’s looks and thats a recipe for wet fucking panties. I mean dude is one of the biggest cocksmen of a generation. Turns down more pussy than you, me and 50 other guys combined have ever gotten. And he probably would do triple his numbers if he was Max Dennison. Probably stays awake at night losing sleep thinking about how many more chicks he could slay if he had Hocus Pocus on the resume. Yea, sure, he’s still balls deep in a mega smoke but he could be balls deep in two or three mega smokes if he could play that card. Gilbert Grape doesn’t get your dick sucked – Hocus Pocus does.
By KFC posted February 17th, 2014 at 9:30 AM
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