White Girls Twerkin!

Look I’m sure in the world of “twerking,” these white broads aren’t doing it right. I’m sure when World Star gets ahold of this all the comments are gonna be about how these white girls can’t dance for shit and everyone’s ass is flat. Which – whatever. I’m sure thats all true. I’ll be honest, [...]

Look I’m sure in the world of “twerking,” these white broads aren’t doing it right. I’m sure when World Star gets ahold of this all the comments are gonna be about how these white girls can’t dance for shit and everyone’s ass is flat. Which – whatever. I’m sure thats all true. I’ll be honest, sometimes it looks like these chicks are having seizures. But at the end of the day this is a bunch of sexy chicks rolling around on the ground simulating getting fucked and making their butt cheeks move. So long story short, I’ll take it!

My question is, now that “twerking” is so mainstream, are chicks doing this shit at like Middle School dances? Is this like the new version of grinding where teachers and principals have to warn all the girls that twerking will be forbidden? Because if there’s a bunch of 14 year old girls dry humping the ground and flexing their cheeks and what not, well thats just fantastic. When I was in 7th and 8th grade I was trying to not shoot a load in my pants while “Too Close” by Next played. Nowadays if you’re an 8th grade boy you better bring dollar bills to the dance because white girls are stripping to “Birthday Cake” by Rihanna.

PS – Whats up with this one Asian dude:

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He’s either the gayest dude of all time or an MFing genius.

By KFC posted January 14th, 2014 at 10:50 AM

Penis Pumps Cost The United States $172 Million

Thanks a lot, Obama! I don't even really understand this article but I fucking know its his fault.

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Jan 13 (Reuters) - Penis pumps cost the U.S. government’s Medicare program $172 million between 2006 and 2011, about twice as much as the consumer would have paid at the retail level, according to a government watchdog’s report released on Monday. The report by the inspector general for the Department of Health and Human Services said Medicare, the government health insurance system for seniors, paid nearly 474,000 claims for vacuum erection systems, or VES, totaling about $172.4 million from 2006 to 2011. Yearly claims for the devices nearly doubled from $20.6 million in 2006 to $38.6 million in 2011. According to the Mayo Clinic, penis pumps are one of a few treatment options for erectile dysfunction. Government waste is a major issue in budget talks in the U.S. capital as lawmakers try to reach agreement on a $1 trillion spending bill. ”Medicare payment amounts for VES remain grossly excessive compared with the amounts that non-Medicare payers pay,” said the report, dated December 2013. “Medicare currently pays suppliers more than twice as much for VES as the Department of Veterans Affairs and consumers over the Internet pay for these types of devices.” If Medicare had adjusted its payments to approximately the price non-Medicare payers pay, the U.S. government would have saved an average of about $14.4 million for each of the six years, the report said.

Thanks a lot, Obama! I don’t even really understand this article but I fucking know its his fault. I have no idea why cock pumps cost so much fucking money under medicare but all I know is Obamacare is to blame. Universal coverage! Hard dicks for senior citizens! Who cares how much it costs for everyone else. We may be wasting a trillion dollars in government savings but the good news is almost 500,000 old dudes were able to pump their dicks up. Bottom line is, at the end of the day Obama is responsible for half a million old dudes putting their shriveled up dicks in a vacuum and we’re the ones who’s paying for it!

By KFC posted January 14th, 2014 at 10:04 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Arrested For Pulling A Gun On A Bouncer After He Stopped Him From Trying To Find Women For A Threesome?

There has gotta be some level of Guy Code that supersedes all other rules and laws in a situation like this.

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Times Tribune Scranton- Told by a doctor his liver is failing and he will need a transplant to survive, Jeremy Srebro went out Sunday night seeking stiff drinks and loose women. Instead he found a bouncer who doesn’t back down, even with a gun pressed into his chest. Mr. Srebro, 34, 1353 Pike St., and his wife, Elizabeth Srebro, walked into the V-Spot, 906 Providence Road, around 8:30 p.m., police said. The couple ordered drinks all night for themselves and for many of those around them. Mr. Srebro began to “aggressively” flirt with many of the women in the bar. Mrs. Srebro told police her husband wanted to find another woman to have a threesome. Bar patrons complained to bouncer Bernard Hartman and bartender Joe Farro. Mr. Farro told police he warned Mr. Srebro to stop a few minutes before the night got out of hand. Mrs. Srebro went to the bathroom as her husband approached another woman. Mr. Hartman intervened, informing Mr. Srebro that he had been receiving complaints. ”What are you going to do about it?” Mr. Srebro is quoted saying in the police affidavit. Mr. Hartman asked Mr. Srebro to leave. Mr. Srebro pulled a loaded Ruger handgun and pushed it into Mr. Hartman’s chest. Mr. Farro told police what happened next happened fast. Mr. Hartman grabbed Mr. Srebro’s hand and twisted the gun away while dragging him to the ground. Mr. Farro jumped over the bar and grabbed the gun once Mr. Srebro was disarmed and restrained. Mrs. Srebro told police she was not aware of what had happened until she learned police were looking for her. She told police her husband was going through a very rough time and was not in his right mind. Police charged Mr. Srebro with aggravated assault, simple assault and recklessly endangering another person. He was sent to Lackawanna County Prison in lieu of $20,000 bail. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Jan. 21.

There has gotta be some level of Guy Code that supersedes all other rules and laws in a situation like this. Jeremy Srebro is dying, folks. Needs a goddam liver transplant or he’s dead. His time on this earth is running out. Which means his chance to do 2 chicks at the same time is running out. Any mortal man can respect 2 things – 1) The desire to fuck 2 chicks at once, and 2) The importance of accomplishing everything on your Bucket List. Now for most men, these two things go hand in hand. Big time over lap. If these things were a Venn Diagram, banging 2 chicks at once would for sure be the intersecting piece of the puzzle.

So all this bouncer and this owner needed to do was turn a blind eye. Let this guy pursue his dream before his liver failure kicks in. Ordinarily I’d understand that a guy harassing your customers can’t be permitted but here’s the X-Factor: he had his wife by his side patrolling for pussy. I mean that guy is so closeHe’s got the motivation. He’s got his wife on board. All he needs is to find a floozy at your bar and you are literally making his dream come true. Let him find some 2am orgy pussy and not only are you building up enough good karma to last a lifetime, you’ll avoid an altercation at gunpoint.

PS – If I was ever up against the clock and needed to land a threesome I would absolutely go to a place called the V Spot. The fact that Jeremy Srebro just strolled into V Spot with his wife and a gun lookin for an orgy lets me know thats one of the funnest places on earth.

By KFC posted January 14th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Marissa

  Introducing Marissa from Quinnipiac via the Bronx.  Strong start to the smokeshow week with a Bronx born beauty.  I’ve been in the city for a while now and have only been there for a few Yankees games.  For Marissa I would strap some phonebooks to my chest and do it though she’s just that [...]

 

Introducing Marissa from Quinnipiac via the Bronx.  Strong start to the smokeshow week with a Bronx born beauty.  I’ve been in the city for a while now and have only been there for a few Yankees games.  For Marissa I would strap some phonebooks to my chest and do it though she’s just that hot.

 

Know any pretty ladies? Email beardobarstool@gmail.com with a name and facebook link to nominate

By beardo posted January 13th, 2014 at 5:32 PM

Latest “Sex Sent Me To The ER” – Dude Rips His Dick Up After Trying To Fuck In A Tree

You gotta be a Grade A asshole to try to fuck in a tree.

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MirrorAn adventurous couple’s treetop sex session ended in disaster when he fell from a branch and landed on his manhood. A daredevil lover snapped his penis after falling from a branch while trying to have sex in a tree. The nature lover went out on a limb when he asked his girlfriend for a treetop sex session. The pair – who were only on their third date - started getting busy on a branch. But the half-naked man, known only as Erik, had to move because he was getting a splinter. And their outdoors action ended in disaster when he lost his grip and hurtled down to earth. Erik said: “My hands slipped and I came tumbling down. ”I ended up getting skinned really good and I hit the ground.” Erik didn’t realise what had happened at first – it was girlfriend Salina who spotted his penis was bleeding. She told him his “package” looked like it had “sprung a leak”. Salina said: “He was laying on the ground and there was blood all over his leg. ”I was concerned about his penis. ”I was concerned about his well-being too but every woman wants to make sure a guy’s functionable.” The pair got dressed before making their way to an American accident and emergency unit. Erik has made a full recovery, while Salina says she now hates nature.

You gotta be a Grade A asshole to try to fuck in a tree. I can’t even begin to think about how that would even work. The logistics are downright baffling. Sex in kinky locations should realistically start and stop with automobiles. Like thats something everyone should check off their list, but after that just stick to normal fucking grounds. I guess if you can pull it off, the Mile High Club can be in the conversation too. Otherwise you should be affixed firmly to the ground. Once you start getting really weird like fucking tree sex, you’re pushing your luck. Because not only is the sex gonna absolutely suck anyway, but you also my end up ripping your cock to shreds as you fall off a dogwood branch. Fuck under the tree. Behind the tree. Up against the tree. Don’t fuck UP in the tree. There’s enough hurdles trying to please a woman sexually, you don’t need gravity working against you as well.

By KFC posted January 13th, 2014 at 4:50 PM

Homeless Woman Destroying Jack In The Box In LA

How about this Homeless Tag Team? Like fucking Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah accept more homeless and delusional.

How about this Homeless Tag Team? Like fucking Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah accept more homeless and delusional. I mean she absolutely eradicated that Jack in the Box. Knocked over everything in sight. And you might wonder – why did nobody step up and stop this woman? And the answer is because homeless women are fucking scary. I almost fear them more than homeless men. I think it just takes a certain type of deranged and pathetic to be homeless as a woman. I feel like when I see a homeless guy, you can see a scenario where he drank and smoked all his money away and had nowhere to turn and the world was like “go fuck yourself” so he just became homeless. But for a woman I think you gotta be that much more atrocious. Like no matter what, even as a last resort, you could go be a hooker and make some money and not be a complete vagrant. So when you see a woman who legitimately lives on the streets and she comes into your Jack In The Box with her partner in crime and tears the joint apart like a raccoon in the garbage, you just steer clear. Let the police handle that shit. Because the Homeless Female is one lost cause that is not to be trifled with.

PS – In honor of the fact that this would have been a Barstool LA blog:

By KFC posted January 13th, 2014 at 4:10 PM

El Duque Kicked Out Of His Son’s Little League Game

El Duque. What a fucking legend this guy was.

Terrible footage but given the circumstances, this is 10 out of 10

LBS - Former New York Yankees pitcher Orlando Hernandez — better known to most as “El Duque” — has not pitched in an MLB game since 2007. That does not mean he has lost his passion for the game, and anyone who attended his son’s youth baseball game last month could tell you that. TMZ obtained footage of El Duque being ejected at the USSSA Wood Bat World Series in South Florida, where he was coaching his son’s 12-and-under team back in December. Witnesses said Hernandez was aggressive with the umpire throughout most of the game, and he lost it when his team fell behind 11-3. As you can see, El Duque went Lou Piniella on the umpire and even kicked dirt on home plate. He supposedly refused to leave the field after being tossed, which inspired the umpire to end the game and force El Duque’s team to forfeit. Strictly for the fact that it was El Duque at a 12-and-under baseball tournament, this meltdown has to be up there with some of the best in LBS history.

El Duque. What a fucking legend this guy was. Defecting from Cuba with the greatest nickname ever, came over to the Big Leagues, kicked his leg up above his fucking head for 9 years and won 4 goddam titles. 3 with the Yankees, 1 with the White Sox. And I swear, if he hadn’t gotten hurt right before the playoffs began in 2006 with the Mets, they would have won another title that year. He was LIGHTS OUT in September that season before tearing his calf running fucking sprints. I don’t care how old he was at the time, he was their ace down the stretch and things would have been different if he was healthy. Wouldn’t have had to worry about trotting fuckin Oliver Perez and Steve Trachsel out there.

So yea, El Duque, his socks, and his eephus pitch should have won like 5 World Series in 9 years. And now he’s down in Florida getting the boot from an 11 year old Little League game. Kicking dirt on the plate and taking a bow. The guy is just a fucking competitor. No 2 ways about it. Doesn’t matter whether he was fucking 41 (probably more like 48) and trying to will the Mets into the playoffs or getting blown out 11-3 in his son’s Little League game – guy just does not like to lose.

PS – One of my favorite El Duque moments ever – When the Eephus Pitch Goes Wrong

By KFC posted January 13th, 2014 at 3:30 PM

Matt Harvey Gets In A Twitter Fight With Yankees Fan

You're killing me bro.

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Matt Harvey you are KILLING ME, bro. I sound like a broken record every time I have to blog about him getting mixed up with some off the field shit like this – if you claim that you want to follow the Jeter Blueprint, you’re doing it very ,very wrong. Thats basically the theme of every blog I end up writing about him, because its true.

Now don’t get me wrong – Matt Harvey doesn’t have to do that. I’ve always thought Jeter was almost weird with how private he is. Its 100% the best approach a pro athlete can take, but I wouldn’t blame anybody for not wanting to live their life like a reclusive robot. My problem is that right now Harvey is kind of teetering on the line of being a PC Jeter-type and just being a normal dude who doesn’t really give a fuck. Like take this stupid ass twitter argument here. Its the perfect example of what Matt is doing wrong. 1) Probably just shouldn’t be tweeting all about your vacation in Thailand to begin with. Fans hate that shit, haters will jump all over you for it. You open yourself up to this kind of drama. 2) When the twitter trolls do respond to your dumb tweet, don’t take the bait. Just don’t fucking do it dude. You absolutely cannot win when you stoop the level of fighting with fans. 3) If you DO decide to engage, then fucking go all out. This exchange about how you beat the Yankees before and talking about throwing baseballs and shit is just so lame. Responding like 4, 5, 6 times looks desperate. “Good morning to everyone who is NICE!” Yawn bro. Some fucking loser Yankees fan picks a fight with you either let it go or eviscerate him. Like I said you’re never gonna “win” and its just gonna cause more drama, but if you’re gonna engage then fucking engage.

Bottom line is Harvey just kinda needs to decide who he is. He’s either gotta completely change things up and actually follow the Jeter Blueprint like he said he wanted to, or, he’s gotta cut loose and just be himself. Looking at the way he pitches and competes, I think the latter is probably more realistic. Stop worrying about his image – good, bad, private, professional – whatever. And just do you. So far he’s done some interviews and given some quotes and said some things that get misconstrued and spun – which happens to everyone. But then he’ll respond or deny or apologize and thats what I think the real problem is.  Just pick a side and do it, Matt. Right now you’re stuck in the middle and its not a good look.

By KFC posted January 13th, 2014 at 2:50 PM
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