Team Pizza of the hamster world responds! In decidedly week fashion, though. Pretty sure this was a knockoff creation from a different Youtube user so I feel bad declaring a winner here, but clearly in this showdown Burrito Hamster takes home the belt. The presentation was better and that hamster just absolutely fucking crushed that burrito. I mean he inhaled that thing. Looked like Heather Brooke just making that shit disappear into his mouth. Meanwhile pizza hamster just sat there picking at his slice like a little bitch. Thought at one point he was gonna use a knife and fork. In order to compete with burrito hamster he would have needed to fold that slice in half, Holley Mangold style. But ultimately it was a complete massacre.
Quick – whats the first thing that come to mind when I say “last piece of shit that a bazillionaire athlete needs?”
Yup. Paddleboard. Correct. A gigantic 15 foot paddleboard. You just know there’s some Yankee travel minion somewhere who saw that and was like “How the fuck am I gotta get that on an airplane back to New York?” Guarantee at one point he’s going through the whole process of checking a 15 foot paddleboad thinking “If I just throw this piece of shit right in the garbage, there’s absolutely no way Derek Jeter will ever know.” Like imagine October comes around, the Yankees season is over, and Derek fucking Jeter is like “Hey where’s my paddleboard from the Anaheim Angles????” Yea fucking right. Jeter probably fucked some Cali girl on top of that thing last night. Walked out of the hotel in the morning with her passed out on top of it, drunk off his dick, like “Thanks for the paddleboard you assholes!”
Forgot to blog this earlier today but something tells me that the animals that call into the Barstool Hotline are wide awake right now looking to talk to some Barstool Bloggers. So, call 646-807-8665 and leave some voicemails for me, Big Cat, Feits, and for the last time as a Barstool employee, Mo. Leave your questions, comments, and stories for all of us and we’ll shoot the shit as usual and give you an hour of laughs.
Let’s see just how bad the Rangers are…are they capable of withstanding the KFC Mush: Cuncel Da Rangers
— KFC, Kevin Clancy (@KFCBarstool) May 8, 2014
I hope like hell the Rangers pull off an improbable comeback. I’ll still be rooting for them Game 5 and beyond. But if this is how the supposed future captain is gonna backcheck in what was basically a do-or-die game…
…then it doesn’t matter what I or any other fan says. They cunceled themselves. Pretty sure the three worst skaters in blue this series were supposed to be the three best – Nash, St. Louis & McDonagh. #61′s proven he’s softer than baby shit, #26 has played to his size & #27 has been a shell of his regular-season self. Some of that may be attributed to his injury, but a sore shoulder doesn’t excuse him from coasting while “defending” a go-ahead shorty. His was one of many examples of a lack of urgency & an unwillingness to skate every shift as if they’re actually chasing the best trophy in sports. Losing is one thing. Putting forth such pathetic efforts when times call for their best proves the Blueshirts are led by hollow stars. Mediocrity is cool too, though.
Introducing Alex from Syracuse. I feel like no smokeshow week is complete now until one of Cuse’s finest makes it to the big show. Alex is flat out pretty and there’s no other way to put it.
Know any smokeshows? Nominate by sending a facebook link and name to email@example.com
Well no one said winning this series was going to be easy. You would think a team that had an 8 day layoff would come out of the gate a little rusty, but not Miami. I’m positive that Lebron could take a month off, and come back playing at the exact same level he always does. Every possession against the heat is so god damn important it makes any turnover hurt twice as much. That’s pretty much the story of last night. No defense, and too many turnovers. That’s an easy recipe for disaster against the Heat. Even when the Nets got within 2, it never felt as if they were going to hang around for long. (We can thank Andray Blatche for missing an easy 2 footer that would have tied it…..)
The biggest storyline to come out of last night however, was the strange amount of people on Twitter who had a problem with Jason Kidd leaving his starters on the bench, down 13 with eight minutes to go in the 4th. I have zero problem with it and here’s why: This team, along with this season is a one-shot deal. If this experiment has a 10% chance of working this season, it will probably have a 3% chance of working next season, even if Lopez does come back healthy. The Nets just finished a tough seven game series two days before, and there is no shot in hell they were making a comeback last night. Wasn’t happening. So letting the older guys get an extra quarter of rest was the exact right move, and that decision will be validated if the Nets are able to salvage a split next game, which they fucking better if they want to have any shot.
One of the funniest videos we’ve made here in a while. Just compiling all the best one liners from you hate-mongering rascals in the comments section! Its a “you’re laughing with us, not at us” situation when you say this stuff, right guys! I could literally hand pick almost every comment from this video but, some of my favorite highlights include:
When Trent read this really fast without taking a breath I straight up shrieked with laughter. Its my new go-to insult even if I dont really know what it means.
If you’re going with a basic “You look like/You remind me of” joke, saying the scientist from Independence Day might be the meanest example you can use:
There are “your mom” jokes, and then there are your mom getting showered with loads of cum from an SEC football team mom jokes. Kmarko’s “my mom” reaction was just perfect.
Just a hateful, hateful comment right here. These are the ones that cut the deepest. Make fun of my face, make fun of my weight, make fun of whatever, but just telling me you flat out hate me as a person is mean.
Perfect example. This guy wasn’t disagreeing with me on a blog or saying he doesnt like my writing. He described me as a person. Summed up my whole existence. And said he hates everything about me. Fuckin hurt my feelings dude.
Again, same idea. The most true comments are the ones that hurt the most. That face right there is the face of “Fuck you man. Don’t take it there.”
The level of disrespect to even think of this is staggering. If you’ve got hate in your heart let it out!
Daily Mail - A golden retriever kept guard over the body of its elderly owner after the 81-year-old died while skiing in Colorado. Robert Blake had been reported missing on Friday afternoon, after failing to return from a cross-country ski trip. When mountain rescue teams found his body under some trees the following day, Buddy the dog was standing guard to keep coyotes away. The loyal dog was found in a ‘protective stance’ next to Mr Blake’s body, and it appeared he had stayed at his owner’s side for nearly 24 hours. It is thought that Mr Blake, a retired veterinarian from New Mexico, had died of natural causes when he stopped for lunch while skiing near the Delores County line. ’There are a large number of coyotes in the area and Buddy refused to leave Mr Blake’s body until we spent some time coaxing him to trust us, Sheriff Bill Masters told KRQE. A GPS tracker the experienced skier used helped the rescue team find him after his worried wife, Marlene Blake reported him missing. When her husband failed to check in with her on Friday, Mrs Blake feared that he may have died. But she said knowing Buddy would be protecting him helped ease her mind during the rescue. ‘I knew Buddy was with him, and would not leave him, I knew that, you know just from my heart,’ she said. After keeping a vigil over Mr Blake, the four-year-old dog is now providing companionship for the skier’s grieving widow, who said she couldn’t ‘make it without him’.
Where the fuck did coyotes go wrong? Like there’s a chance Buddy the Retriever and these son of a bitch coyotes were related somewhere way down the family tree. Way back in some wild dog lineage. How does Buddy go on to be a loyal friend protecting the body of his owner while these fucking ‘yotes are trying to scavenge? They’re just the ultimate rejects of the whole species. No loyalty like domesticated dogs. No regal honor like that of the wolf. Just a bunch of homeless dickhead wild dogs. Go hang out with dingos or some shit, coyotes. Just go full heel and declare yourself part of the feline kingdom. Just leave Buddy and his owner alone.