Tony Reali Joins Good Morning America

From WFUV to Stat Boy to Around The Horn and now called up to the big leagues for Good Morning America. Mr. Ash Wednesday himself just made a huge jump to the big time.

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Awful AnnouncingYou’ve known him as “Stat Boy” on “Pardon the Interruption” and since 2004, the host of “Around the Horn.” Now, you’re going to know Tony Reali for being on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” According to today’s edition of The Hollywood Reporter, Reali has signed a new contractwith ESPN that allows him to expand his role across the Disney Corporation to ABC. Reali will become GMA’s social media contributor and thus move to New York. As a result, ESPN will also move “Around the Horn” to NYC and base the show out of ABC’s Times Square Studios where ESPN2′s “Olbermann” also originates. With the move to New York, Reali will no longer appear on PTI. Reali tells the Reporter he expects to be on GMA two to three days a week, although ABC is still working out the details of his role.

Well would you look at that! From WFUV to Stat Boy to Around The Horn and now called up to the big leagues for Good Morning America. Mr. Ash Wednesday himself just made a huge jump to the big time. I mean obviously PTI and Around The Horn are incredible gigs but those job pale in comparison to a spot on a show like Good Morning America. Just another Fordham Ram absolutely setting the broadcast world on fire. I mean just look at some of the names on the list:

Vin Scully
Bob Papa
Mike Breen
Spero Dedes
Ryan Ruocco
That big head crybaby idiot Michael Kay
Jack Curry
Chris Carrino
Tony Reali

I mean almost every team in this city has Fordham guys doing play by play or reporting for them. We may be in the middle of the hood and most of our athletics may suck but there’s absolutely no better school in the country if you’re interested in sports broadcasting. And now guys like Tony are taking that to the next level branching out into that morning TV circuit.

And then there’s me. I did a podcast today about how I’m fat and lazy and girls never want to have sex with me. Talk about black sheep. But congrats, Tony! St. John Baptist de La Salle, Pray for us!

PS – Great little Google autofill for your boy Tony

 

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By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 1:50 PM

Dentist Buys John Lennon’s Tooth For $33,000, Plans To Clone Him And Raise The Child

Clone High up in this motherfucker!

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Gawker - A dentist who owns one of John Lennon’s teeth is looking forward to the day when human cloning becomes sufficiently advanced that he can create a baby version of the late Beatle and raise the mini-rockstar as his own child. Michael Zuk, of Alberta, Canada, paid $33,000 for the tooth when it was auctioned by Lennon’s housekeeper two years ago. “My goal is to own John Lennon’s DNA,” he told the U.K.’s Channel 4, adding that he believes exclusive control of the Beatle’s genome is worth “millions.“ As for the legal implications of “owning” a cloned individual, Zuk is confident he can navigate them by forum-shopping for a country where regulations are loose. ”Depends where you do these things. If it can’t be done in one country you can do these things in another,” he said. Once he has his baby Clone Lennon, Zuk plans to put that whole “nature versus nurture” debate to rest by signing Lil John up for guitar lessons to see if he can become a famous musician, just like the man who involuntarily provided his genetic material. The dentist has some interesting ideas about how to raise a rockstar, though. “He would still be his exact duplicate but you know, hopefully keep him away from drugs and cigarettes, that kind of thing,” Zuk said. That’s exactly the kind of clean living that brought us albums like Rubber Soul and Magical Mystery Tour.

Hey Dentist, good luck. You fucking lunatic. Lets look past the fact that you are a complete maniac for paying 30 grand for someones tooth and cloning a baby with it. Lets just examine your plan post-cloning.

You think you’re just gonna get John Lennon 2.0? Just throw a guitar in his hands and he’ll just start the next Beatles? For sure not. The world fucking sucks now. Clone Lennon will probably be a fucking loser. He’ll just be addicted to his smartphone and his laptop and whatever other technology exists when hes growing up. Probably be afraid to speak his mind because everyone is so uptight now. Maybe get into Zollo music instead of rock and roll because thats what gets the spins these days.

The only thing Clone Lennon would have going for him is that chicks are waaay sluttier than they were back than and there’s probably a lot more access to better drugs too. And thats what makes real rock stars – drugs and pussy. But if Dr. Cinnamon J Scudworth and Mr. Butlertron are gonna keep him away from trouble, then he’s guaranteed to just end up being a lame hipster who plays in a garage band.

PS – If you didn’t get the Dr. Scudworth/Mr. Butlertron reference, your life is not as good as mine.

By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 1:50 PM

“Angelina Jolie Lookalike” Forces Cab Driver To Have Sex With Her Twice, Stabs Him When He Couldn’t Have Sex With Her A Third Time

First things first, lets pump the brakes with this Angelina Jolie lookalike talk. Secondly, before you hardos bash this dude, walk a mile in his shoes.

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NYDNA sex-crazed Angelina Jolie lookalike forced a cabbie into having sex with her twice – before brutally stabbing him when he couldn’t manage a third time. Luminita Perijoc, 31, reportedly pounced on Nicolae Stan, 35, after he delivered wine to her apartment in Tulcea, eastern Romania, in 2012. Grabbing him and dragging him inside, she forced him to undress by threatening him with a 4-inch blade. At knife point, he had intercourse with her and then performed oral sex. But, when he couldn’t perform a third time, she stabbed him six times before he managed to escape, lock himself in a bedroom and call the cops. Officers arrived and rushed Stan to hospital. Perijoc, who reportedly styles herself on the “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” star, was arrested and initially tried to claim she was the victim.  But a court found her guilty and handed her a four year suspended sentence – after she claimed she’d been on strong medication at the time of the attack. Married dad-of-three Stan said that, while Perijoc had been essentially been let off, he had been given a “life sentence” because of the teasing he’d endured. ”It is terrible. I am now a local celebrity, everyone is talking about me,” the Mirror reports him as saying. ”They don’t understand why I refused her, but they do not know what it is like to have a mad woman yelling at you at knife point,” he said.

First things first, lets pump the brakes with this Angelina Jolie lookalike talk. Thats an insult to Angelina Jolie and the very notion of what a lookalike even is. I mean, yes she has dick sucking lips. And yes, she kinda has those crazy Fuck Me Eyes. But thats a far cry from being considered an Angelina Jolie doppleganger. I mean that one picture with the short hair is downright heinous.

As for Nicolae, I’m sure all the hardos will be out in full force. “Fag!” “Why didn’t you just fuck her a third time!” Alright tough guys, why don’t we all just calm down. What my man said is right. You don’t know what its like to have a mad woman yelling at you with a knife. I mean I can’t fuck a chick three times no matter what the circumstances. Especially if that includes going down on her. After I do the Fully Monty I’m gassed. It honestly takes me a week to fuck a chick 3 times. And thats when she’s not threatening you with a big ass fucking knife. I know we all fancy ourselves to be expert cocksmen and we think if the tables were turned we’d fuck this bootleg Angelina 5 times until she was begging for you to stop. But the reality is a psychopathic dick wrecker like this can just devour. Chew you up and spit you out. She should be happy she got a double dose of dick and realize a third encore while threatening physical abuse is just not acceptable.

By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 1:00 PM

Thursday Morning MailTime featuring Jimmy Fallon Comedian Nate Bargatze

The New King Of SkinnyFat And Clancying - Nate Bargatze

Subscribe to the KFC Radio iTunes Page featuring episodes of: Stoolie Voicemails, MailTime and Barstool DVR

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Yesterday’s episode featuring Paul Lo Duca was a little different to what KFC Radio listeners are used to. So here’s a more traditional (read: chaotic and unprofessional) episode for everyone who needs their normal MailTime fix. A couple weeks ago I saw this comedian Nate Bargatze on Fallon and I knew we needed to have him on. He’s probably the only guy on earth who embraces the mediocre SkinnyFat life than myself. He’s turned the MailTime Mantra into appearances on the Tonight Show, so we talked with him for a while before diving into the usual stupidity. I don’t know what it is about Nate but everything that comes out of his mouth made me laugh. Not sure if it was a slight accent or just the overall laziness I could hear in his tone but the whole conversation cracked me up.

Follow Nate on twitter @NateBargatze or check out his website NateBargatze.com for tickets to live stand up or a link to his latest comedy album.

By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Study Says “Guys Who Tweet Are More Likely To Cheat”

What a fucking phony headline this is. This is completely backwards. If you tweet too much, your significant other is more likely to cheat.

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YahooToday in unfortunately rhyming news: The more you tweet, the more you cheat: According to a journalism doctoral student’s research of 581 Twitter users of various ages, those who are active Twitter users are more likely to experience Twitter-related conflict. Well, duh, that’s seems obvious–but the Twitter related convict can lead to divorce, breakups, and cheating. Basically, this means that too much tweeting can cause fights that aren’t necessarily relationship-related, but arise from one partner being distracted from the relationship and then lead to infidelity or breakups.

Just heard this one this morning on Benigno’s Cup of Morning Joe on Boomer and Carton. HOW BOUT THAT! What a fucking phony headline this is. This is completely backwards. If you tweet too much, your significant other is more likely to cheat. Because chances are they are going to grow to hate you because you’re the asshole with your face buried in Twitter 24/7. Trust me – I know from experience. If the Roommate doesn’t cheat on me soon I’m going to start to question her intelligence and pride. Thats how much I fucking suck when it comes to being that dick with his face buried in his phone. I absolutely despise the person I’ve become in that department. Actually most departments, but definitely that one. Out to dinner and I’m worried about a bunch of strangers on my phone. Something happens in a game and instead of just talking about it with the real humans in front of me I have to make some stupid quip on twitter. I’d absolutely hate dating me.

But I’m not a cheater. Loyalty above all else in my book. So I take offense to this headline. Change the headline to “Guys who tweet are likely to get cheated on” and I’ll endorse it 100%. I’m just waiting for it to happen at this point. And when it does I’ll tweet about it.

PS – Mostly I blame you assholes. Every time I disappear for like 4 hours I get tweets like “Where the fuck is KFC!” “Pres and Feitelberg are tweeting, how come you’re not!” blah blah blah. Leave me alone I’m trying to break my addiction.

By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Lena Dunham Is Pissed She’s Straight

How about this chick just so pissed at herself for liking dick? Its like her Guilty Pleasure.

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NY PostLena Dunham spoke warmly about her sister coming out as gay at age 17 at the Point Honors Gala at the New York Public Library on Monday. “This is probably the most attractive room I have yet to enter,” she told the crowd at the event for the Point Foundation, which helps LGBTQ students. “Gay men clean up real good, which is probably why I have dated so many of you,” she joked. The “Girls” star thanked her sister Grace, now 22, saying, “I have always felt a strong and emotional connection to members of the LGBTQ community. It was actually a huge disappointment for me when I came of age and realized that I was sexually attracted to men. So when my sister came out, I thought, ‘Thank God, now someone in this family can truly represent my beliefs and passions.’

How about this chick just so pissed at herself for liking dick? Wants to like pussy so bad but its just not in the cards for her. Its like penis is her guilty pleasure. Similar to when Celine Dion “Its All Coming Back To Me” comes on and I hate that I love it so much. I want to change the song and listen to some hip hop or some good rock music but I just love it too much. Hate myself that I love it, but it is what it is. Tiger can’t change his stripes.

But imagine this girl when she was like 16, 17 years old – just dying to be a lesbian. Wants nothing more than to go down on chicks. But she sees her first penis and just has this reflex like “I want that inside me. Goddamit I want that dick in or around my mouth. FUCK. I’m not gay.” And imagine being the guys she has sex with? Just knowing no matter how much Good Good you break her off with, deep down she’s upset about it. You could give this chick a dozen O Bombs and somewhere deep down she resents you for it. Its pretty fascinating actually. Shames herself for being straight. So backwards and so hipster I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

Hey Lena – just be gay! Everyone is gay now. Just do it. Nobody cares.

PS – Funniest thing I think I’ve ever heard was when @DesusNice described Lena Dunham as a “bag a milk.” If you don’t listen to the podcast Desus vs Mero you’re missing out on some of the funniest shit I’ve heard in a long long time.

PPS – Cue the motherfuckin music! KFC’s Guilty Pleasures

By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Introducing The Derek Jeter Retirement Barf Bag

I think I'm gonna need 153 of these to last me the rest of the season.

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Directions: Should the sappy and sycophantic musings of Kay, Waldman, Sterling, Francesa, et al regarding the impending retirement of Derek Jeter induce vomiting, open bag rapidly and insert stomach contents.

WARNING! Repeated exposure to video clips of Jeter’s last 2 truly great plays may cause nausea and vomiting (“the flip” vs Oakland in 2001 and “the dive” vs Boston 2004 – note the years)

Should vomiting occur for more than 4 hours, please console yourself with the thought that were it not for the Alex Rodriguez stellar/drug enhanced performances in the 2009 postseason, “The Captain” would be 14 seasons removed from his last WS Crown

Avoid pink Jeter jerseys, YES network flashbacks and Mariano Rivera retirement ceremonies, and references to Jeter being the first ever unanimous Hall of Fame selection.

This is from Mickey Spillane’s Opening Day party this year, but I think I’m gonna need 153 of them to last me the rest of the season. Certainly about 20-25 more of them for the remaining retirement ceremonies. Such an incredibly spot on description of the Jeter nausea that you know a true, blue Mets fan wrote it. Right down to the truth about the 2009 World Series and the unanimous Hall of Fame voting. Those are things only true Yankee haters think about on a daily basis.

By KFC posted April 10th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Malvina

Spicy

 

Introducing Malvina from Rumson.  Solid Wednesday afternoon pick me up.  This girl is sexy and I’m a big fan of everything shes got going on.

 

Blackout New York City At Irving Plaza is coming to town.  All past/present smokeshows get free tickets.  Email beardobarstool@gmail.com to nominate a smoke.

GET TICKETS HERE

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By beardo posted April 9th, 2014 at 5:33 PM
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