NYC Mens League Player Suing Dude Who Elbowed Him For Assault

Quite the drama here for the Upper East Side Mens League. And its not as clear cut as you think.

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NY Post – A Manhattan man claims he joined an adult basketball league at PS 6 for the love of the game — but got a beating instead. Craig Linden, 52, is now suing real-estate agent Matthew Goldberg in Manhattan Supreme Court for playing hoops with “excessive animosity” and assaulting him during an NYC Basketball League game at the Upper East Side school. Linden “did not assume the risk of violence when joining the basketball league,” he says in the lawsuit filed last week. Goldberg, 28, had “a pattern and practice of excessive physical and violent confrontations with members of the basketball league,” and Linden in particular, he charges. Things came to a head in October when the hotheaded hoopster “intentionally hit” Linden, going “beyond the accepted and reasonable parameters of contact,” according to the lawsuit. Goldberg declined to comment. Linden is seeking unspecified damages.

Quite the drama here for the Upper East Side Mens League. And its not as clear cut as you think. Right off the bat most Stoolies are probably inclined to think this is just plain old pussification and that this kinda shit happens when you’re on the hardwood. But you gotta dig deeper than that. This is a coin flip situation in my estimation.

On the one hand, you’ve got a 28 year old dude clocking a 52 year old man in the face at his weekly basketball game. Hey haarrrrrdoooo why don’t you take it easy bro? This is mens league at PS 6. This old man is probably out there just trying to get some burn so he doesn’t die of a heart attack any time soon. He’s probably just there because its an extra hour or two that he doesn’t need to be near his wife and kids. And you’re out there throwing ‘bows like Ron Artest to James Harden’s temple. How about you just chuck up a few jumpers here and there like the rest of us and not trying to decapitate any senior citizens?

On the other hand, Craig Linden may very well be one of those Old Men Assholes. I could see him flaunting that Old Man Strength. You know what I’m talking about? Its the strongest type of strength in the game:

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He’s probably go Rec Specs on. Tube socks with the red and blue stripes at the top pulled up over his calves. Pit stains that extend all the way to the bottom of his shirt. And just a real bad attitude out there to prove he can still run with the young guns. You ever see The Shield? What I’m picturing is the leader of the Decoy Team:

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Just playing dirty and rough asking to get knocked the fuck out.

I guess the case all depends on who was the asshole. Was it Goldberg the 28 year old hardo or Linden the 52 year old old man dickhead?

By KFC posted February 11th, 2014 at 2:20 PM

Rear Admiral Makes His KFC Radio Debut Tomorrow

The most mysterious man at Barstool Sports makes his KFC Radio debut tomorrow. Call the hotline - 646-807-8665 and leave voicemails for Rear Ads and the rest of us.

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The most mysterious man at Barstool Sports makes his KFC Radio debut. Assuming we can get him set up with a webcam and shit, Brian McGonagle From Barstool Sports Back Home makes his first appearance. I can safely say for the first time, myself, Feits and Big Cat won’t be the weirdest guys on the show. To be honest I don’t even know what Rear Admiral does. All I know is he lives, breaths and eats hockey, cinema and stand up comedy. The only black person he’s ever known is Robert Parrish. For all I know he once killed a man with his bare hands. He is…the Most Interesting Man At The Stool.

So call the hotline – 646-807-8665 and leave voicemails for Rear Ads and the rest of us. We can do hockey talk, Boston talk, gambling talk, just as long as its all KFC Radio-like. You can tweet @KFCRadio  or @RearAdBsBlog with questions or comments as well.

By KFC posted February 11th, 2014 at 1:30 PM

Survey Says The Perfect Girlfriend Is 5’5, Brunette, 34C, And A Teacher Or A Nurse

All in all, a pretty solid girlfriend

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The Star If you’re a 5ft 6ins tall nurse who loves a roast dinner then grab your coat – because you’ve pulled in Sheffield. The vital statistics of Sheffield blokes’ ‘perfect girlfriend’ have been revealed by a new study, with everything taken into consideration from her music taste to her bra size.

Brunette
Stands 5’5″ and weighs 128 lbs
Wears a 34C bra
Works as a nurse or a teacher
Careful about her diet
Gets along with her mother
Sexually “adventurous”
No tattoos
Uses “subtle” makeup
Likes skinny jeans and miniskirts
Loves Game of Thrones and Dirty Dancing

Now this study was done in England, so you gotta take everything with a grain of salt. There was other things listed according to the survey like being a Manchester United fan, so not everything is gonna translate over here in America. But for the most part we can agree that guys are guys so the shit I listed are the more universal things.

Now I’m a brunette guy. I certainly don’t discriminate, and I truly genuinely believe there’s something inside men that makes them innately attracted to blond chicks. Its like straight primal. Its why strippers and porn stars are all generically blonde sluts. But I just prefer brunette chicks. Don’t know why but I do.

I’d say 5’5 is probably right for most dudes. Yea, Victoria’s Secret models and fashion chicks are all like 6 feet tall, but thats weird as fuck for real life purposes. My lady is 5’8 so when she’s in heels we’re almost eye to eye. Thats not enough really bother me but a couple more inches on her and she’d be towering above me in heels and that is just unacceptable.

34C? Nailed it. Perfect size.

Works as a nurse or a teacher: There’s 2 ways to think about this. Dating a nurser or a teacher is absolutely fine. There’s some level of that maternal instinct in there. They are the caretaker types. Caring and kind and cute and sweet. Thats all awesome. Definitely attributes you want. But fuck all that noise its 2014. Gimme a chick who brings home that paper baby. I’m tryna be that stay at home dad with my dude Duncan for the next 15 years. I can’t be out there trying to win bread. Let her win the bread. Go win bread and give me the bread to eat. Thanks.

Careful about her diet:

Gets along with her mother: Huge one. HUGE. If she doesn’t get along with her mother, all you will ever talk about is how she doesn’t get along with her mother. Plus thats a good sign that you’ll be cool with her too. A bad mother in law can ruin your life.

Sexually Adventurous: Probably the most important thing to sustaining any sort of long term relationship. I’m probably supposed to say its all about personality and trust and blah blah blah. But the truth is a if you’re gonna be in a monogamous relationship with a chick you’re gonna need her to bring the heat and keep it spicy in the bedroom. Lame sex = boredom and boredom = temptation and cheating and the next thing you know its cunceled.

No tattoos: Fuck that. I don’t need a bitch to be covered head to toe like Bonnie Rotten but a little flower or star or something corny or girl on the hip or the ankle or the wrist is fine by me. Shows just a teensy bit of a wild side which is always a good sign for the sexually adventurous department.

Uses subtle makeup: AKA you’re actually pretty. This is a subtle way of saying we want you to actually be hot.

Likes skinny jeans and miniskirts: No thanks. Not a skirt guy at all. Doesn’t show off the ass enough. Need some yoga pants and jeggings and shit like that. Gotta highlight that tush.

And last but not least, loves Game of Thrones and Dirty Dancing: Dirty Dancing I got no problem with. Swayze and “Hungry Eyes” are two of the best things ever, respectively. Game of Thrones though? For sure not. Maybe this is some weird British thing but I don’t want my girl all interested in the world of dragons and medieval warfare and shit. At no point do I want to be arguing about the 7 Kingdoms and White Walkers and shit. I’ve told you all about the importance of “our shows” but I need a girly girl who doesn’t want any part of my nerd shit.

All in all a pretty good girlfriend though. I’d throw in a “likes to cook” but thats just me getting greedy. Really its just all about the being skinny and liking to fuck. The rest are all just bonuses.

By KFC posted February 11th, 2014 at 11:50 AM

San Francisco Goes Bananas When Authentic NYC Bagels Get Overnighted To Bakery

By now everyone knows that I'm pretty much anti anything from the "Real New Yorkers" of the world. But that being said, bagels might be the exception to the rule.

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SFistEven the rain couldn’t dent people’s appetite for authentic NYC bagels. Wes Rowe, who, along with his partner, Sonya Haines, overnight-expressed New York City bagels (from Russ and Daughters) for their Eastside Bagels pop-up at Dear Mom, had this say, “There has never been a pop-up here with a line like today. Next time we know what to expect and will be ready. This was the line at 11:30 when we started. It was almost to Folsom Street.”

By now everyone knows that I’m pretty much anti anything from the “Real New Yorkers” of the world. The Buzzfeed losers who genuinely think New York City is the best place in the world to live. Everything they say is so exaggerated and phony and inspired by fucking Sex and the City and shit like that.

But that being said, bagels might be the exception to the rule. Bagels are absolutely different in this city. Everyone says it has to do with New York water. But they say the same thing about pizza, and I can admit that you can get a good slice of pizza outside of NYC. Maybe not exactly as good, but you can get comparable pizza elsewhere. Not bagels though. Same water situation going on with bagels, yet outside this city they are absolute garbage. Maybe its something that the Jews do? Jew magic springs from their fingertips into the bagel dough? Thats the only thing I can really think of thats different between NYC and the rest of these cities – Jews.

Who knows. All I know is that theres a reason why people wait on a line that wraps around a corner for basically day old New York bagels. They’re just that much better. Also explains the disparity between people on the cream cheese vs. ketchup debate. Thats basically a New York vs. The World scenario since they can’t figure out the bagel trick.

PS – If you eat Dunkin Donuts bagels I absolutely think less of you as a person.

By KFC posted February 11th, 2014 at 11:00 AM

Tanaka Rented A Boeing 787 To Fly Here With 4 Other People And A Poodle

Solid move by Tanaka to establish his dominance.

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Japan- Japanese baseball sensation Masahiro Tanaka chartered his own Boeing 787 Dreamliner to fly him to New York, with the entire plane taken up by his five-strong party and his pet dog. The ace pitcher, who has just signed a seven-year MLB deal worth $US155 million ($A173.6 million) with the New York Yankees, is believed to have splashed out $US195,000 ($A218,000) of his own money on the one-way flight. “It’s a (chartered) private jet. It’s not something the Yankees have prepared,” he told reporters at Narita Airport near Tokyo on Sunday. Japan Airlines (JAL) confirmed he used one of its Boeing 787s but declined to disclose further details.

Solid move by Tanaka to establish his dominance. If you’re gonna play like a Yankee, you better act like a Yankees. Spend 200 grand on a plane just because you fucking can. Sure these guys fly on private jets all the time, and probably rent big ones when they have their whole crew or degenerate friends with them, but no one rents a 2oo seat plane for 5 people and a dog. No one except a Japanese sensation who’s been wasting away in the Pacific League looking to make a splash in Pinstripes.

Tanaka made it very clear he wanted out of Japan. Dude was tired of not being paid as an elite athlete, not playing at the highest level possible, and probably sick of watching pixilated porn. Name me someone else in his shoes who wouldn’t want out too? You can’t. So now he’s got $155mil and he’s out in grand fashion. Honestly he should have had it skywrite “Sayonara Motherfuckers!” with the other 4 passengers riding in coach while he and his poodle watch all the first class bukkake porn you can handle.

@BarstoolJJ

By jj posted February 11th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

2nd Half Of The Barstool Sports Olympic Figure Skating Coming Later Today

Feits taking his clothes off and Pres having a seizure on the ice to whet your appetite for the main event featuring myself and Big Cat.

Have you ever wanted to see The Barden Bellas from Pitch Perfect singing Just The Way You Are/Just A Dream as told through interpretative Olympic ice dancing? Well boy do I have a surprise for you later this afternoon. The 2nd half of the Barstool Sports Olympic Figure Skating features more #Clancying and more accapella ice dancing than you can shake a stick at.

What we have here right now is a little undercard video for you with the first 2 routines of the competition from yesterday. Feits taking his clothes off and Pres having a seizure on the ice just to whet your appetite for the main event featuring myself and Big Cat.

If we’re gonna get technical about, Feits is the best skater of the bunch. I think you just always lose major points when you’re routine is a strip tease and A) You’re Feitelberg, and B) You can’t successfully get your pants off. As for Portnoy, well, I don’t really know what to say. I feel like he really lost the judges and the crowd when he went into Puff The Magic Dragon. Not sure what that was about. Might have been some next level shit like when he thought a cheeseburger was a cyclops. Either way, it just set the stage for the final 2 acts.

Part 2 featuring me and Big Cat coming up later.

By KFC posted February 11th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Lets Win A Shorty Award

This year is the 6th Annual Shorty Awards, which basically honors the best of the best on the internet. How have we not been cleaning up every year so far?

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This year is the 6th Annual Shorty Awards, which basically honors the best of the best on the internet. There’s a ton of categories for various awards relating to the internet – best twitter accounts, best bloggers, best video bloggers, best fake twitter account, best podcast. Awards for social media presence in sports, music, entertainment. More or less just a ton of categories for all your favorite internet personalities out there.

So I’m sitting here reading that we’re at the 6th annual Shorty Awards and all I can think is how come Barstool Sports hasn’t won one the previous 5 years? I mean Barstool has essentially dominated the internet the entire time the Shorty’s has existed. How can the crew of guys who basically decide whats funny and whats cool on the internet not be officialy recognized?? Now ordinarily I’d say theres no way this committee would ever give us any sort of award, because thats just the way people handle Barstool. We walk alone. No friends, no allies, plenty of enemies. But as far as I know its all about the public nominating you. So I think its time for the Stoolies to bring home some Shorty Award hardware for Barstool. All you gotta do is tweet out your nomination like this:

 

It doesn’t have to be me. You can vote for anybody at the Stool. It doesn’t have to be a person either. You can nominate shit for best GIF, best Instagram video, best Vine of the year like this:

Here’s all the categories you can vote for. Barstool should have a whole fucking trophy room filled with these awards. We should be sick of winning these things, throwing them in the garbage by now. Get out there and tweet out your votes for the Barstool crew. You have to include a “because” reason in your tweet or it doesnt count as a vote. 8 days left to nominate.

By KFC posted February 10th, 2014 at 5:00 PM

Brooklyn Restaurant Offering Beyonce Themed Valentine’s Day Menu

Doesn't get much worse than this, folks. The 2 most overrated things in the world - Beyonce and Valentines Day

Beyonce-Menu

Food Beast - You might not be ready for this jelly. In honor of Valentine’s Day, Brooklyn based restaurant Brucie is hosting a Beyoncé themed dinner. The specialty menu includes puntastic courses such as the Breastiny’s Child, I Am Pasta Fierce and my personal favorite, the Buga-Bouillabaisse. We couldn’t make this up if we tried. Brucie owner, Zahra Tangorra, thought using Queen Bey as the focus of the restaurant’s menu was a no brainer, “she’s having her moment now, and we’ve been listening to her record nonstop.” Additionally paying homage to Brooklyn native and Bey’s main squeeze Jay-Z, Brucie is offering Jay-Ziti and Oysters Rocafella. Sadly the restaurant is already fully booked for Yoncé’s specialty menu but don’t worry, they still love you like xo. If you did manage to score a table for the big night just be sure not to get too drunk in love off your wine as you H.O.V.A. hell of a time at dinner. See what we did there?

Doesn’t get much worse than this, folks. The 2 most overrated things in the world – Beyonce and Valentines Day. Combined those two things and you have a recipe for one excruciating night for Brooklyn men everywhere. On the flip side, it doesn’t get any better for chicks. Maybe if this restaurant was giving out Hunter Boots for free and airing Hocus Pocus during dinner, but Valentine’s Day + Beyonce is like heaven for chicks. Its not even like it would be a guaranteed great night of sex if you took your girl here though. Like ordinarily you take your chick out to the nice dinner and give her the nice jewelry and in exchange you’re hoping she’ll do something “special” for you on Valentine’s Day AKA let you try anal. But you take her to Brucie for Beyonce Night and she’ll probably just get all “fierce.” Get her independent woman shit going. You might not even get laid if you go here for Valentines Day. Probably just spend the rest of the night going down on your chick while she pretends shes a diva or some shit.

By KFC posted February 10th, 2014 at 4:20 PM
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