Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman Who Tried To Cut Her Husband’s Penis Off With A Box Cutter?

Looks like the penis put up a pretty good fight.

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TSG – A Pennsylvania woman is facing an assortment of charges after trying to slice off her husband’s penis with a box cutter during a fight Friday night, police charge. Lisa Jones-Orock, 39, allegedly attacked her husband inside the couple’s New Castle apartment, according to a criminal complaint charging her with felony aggravated assault and three misdemeanors. When cops arrived at the pair’s home, Gerald Orock, 56, was bleeding from cuts on his arms and hands, which, investigators noted, appeared to be defensive wounds. The crotch area of his pants had also been slashed. In an interview with police, Orock stated that, “Lisa tried to cut his penis off with the knife,” reported Corporal Steven Brooks of the New Castle Police Department. Jones-Orock initially claimed that her spouse had attacked her with a knife. A blue box cutter–found on a couch in the couple’s home–was seized by officers and “placed into property.” Jones-Orock is currently locked up in the Lawrence County Prison in lieu of $5000 bond. Her husband is jailed in the same facility since cops determined that he had violated a protective order barring him from any contact with his wife.

 

Classic chicken and egg scenario here. Which came first – the husband domestically abusing the fuck out of the wife, or the wife trying to severe his dick and then getting pummeled in self defense. No way to tell for sure, but I will say this. I’d beat the absolute piss out of a chick if she came after my cock with a sharp object trying to slice it off. Like yeah, you should never hit woman. Except sometimes you should beat the piss out of them. Defending against a cock-stabbing is one of those times. Just uppercut them into next week. Throw combinations into their tits. Punt them right in the vagina, which I don’t think really hurts them too much but you’re not not gonna kick a chick’s vagina if you’re beating her up, ya know?

Anyway, dick’s in danger, you gotta throw down. And any court that believes in justice would side with the man there. Why did I beat her senseless for twenty minutes, your honor? Because she threatened my penis with a blade, that’s why. Case dismissed. It’s just a universal law of nature that you can demolish any human who attempts to rid you of your manhood. Again, I don’t know who started the fight, or if the attempted dick-cutting was revenge for years of abuse. All I’m saying is that whatever happened after the attempted dick-cutting is fair game.

By JMac posted March 19th, 2014 at 1:20 PM

Best Nerd Tattoo Ever?

Shoryuken!

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Shoryuken! I don’t think you can top this, folks. Maybe if you just had a giant Hadouken fireball across your belly. I still think I’d take the Shoryuken though. Just running around pretending to uppercut my friends all day long screaming that. I’d absolutely be the most annoying person on earth to be around. People would instantly hate me Shoryuken’ing in their face every 5 minutes but guess what? When you have a tattoo like this you don’t need friends.

Plus can you imagine how funny it looks when you’re fingering a chick? Ryu just blasting up in that honey pot. Personally I don’t see any drawbacks of having a 3-D Street Fighter tattoo consume your forearm.

By KFC posted March 19th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Remember The “Nice Jewish Guys” Pinup Calendar? Well Now There’s A “Naughty” Version

The Bad Boys of Judaism! The Tough Guys of the Torah! Show em your schmeckle, Schmuel!

 

Nice Jewish Guys

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Naughty Jewish Guys

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NY PostEthan Kaplan, 23, was raised in conservative Judaism, went to an Orthodox middle school and is well-versed in Jewish humor. He was, your grandmother might say, a real mensch — the epitome of a nice Jewish boy. So when the chance came to wipe the “nice” right out of that sentence, he took it. Hearing of a photographer seeking Jewish men for a sexy calendar, he agreed to pose, and did the most not-nice thing a Jewish boy could do: He posed for the shoot in the nude, with nothing but a tzedakah box — the box Jews use to collect contributions in temple — to cover his schmeckle. “Jewish men are looked at as having no attractiveness,” says Kaplan, a senior at Hunter College who’s majoring in film. “We’re seen as being very by-the-books. In Hollywood, Jewish women are starting to be seen as beautiful — with women like Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman — but you don’t hear about Jewish guys that are sexy.”

The Bad Boys of Judaism! The Tough Guys of the Torah! Show em your schmeckle, Schmuel!

You know how many Jewish bitches out there right now are fantasizing about fucking these dudes missionary in the dark with a sheet in between their bodies? Just craving that circumcised D through the hole in the sheet. Lets rank the Bad Boys of Judaism:

4. Jewston Bieber

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And I was like…

Yahweh, Yahweh, Yahweh oooh
Like Yahweh, Yahweh, Yahweh nooo
Like Yahweh, Yehweh, Yahweh oooh!

3. WWF Jew

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You sure you’re Jewish bro? Sure you’re not an Acolyte in the Ministry of Darkness?

2. Mose Jew

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Hey Mose! Where’s Dwight? How’s the beet farm business? Those beets kosher?

1. Bear Jew

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I don’t even know whats going on here. Absolutely hilarious picture. The Bear Jew with the Fu Manchu and the Blue Steele eyes. Covered in a thick coat of fur that would make Abraham jealous. Naughty doesn’t even begin to describe this dude.

 

By KFC posted March 19th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Matt Harvey Embroiled In The Most Pointless, Blown Out Of Proportion Drama

There's a reason why this sort of controversy - as dumb as this may be - is following him around. He's made enough of these sort of comments that now he has a reputation.

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So the Daily News came out with some dumb ass article this morning that once again has Matt Harvey smack in the middle of media controversy. To be honest, the article sucks and is very convoluted and long winded, but here’s the excerpts that get you the gist of everything:

“The biggest part is wanting to stay with the team. To learn the league. To learn Travis (d’Arnaud). To learn how to bond with the other starting pitchers, and the guys in the clubhouse, and the David Wrights who I plan on playing with….

“It’s just the fact that I have been not allowed to talk to anybody, and that every tweet or Instagram I send is, do not write. My locker — me and (Jeremy Hefner, also rehabbing) was basically in a closet. I didn’t think that was right. I don’t know exactly who was in charge of the situation….

“I have worked so hard to get to the point where I was, and all of a sudden I get hurt, and it’s ‘you’ve got to stay in Florida. You’ve got to disappear from New York, you’ve got to do this.’ I took pride in living in New York, and being a New Yorker. I live there all year round. It’s a place I love being.”

[Andy Martino's account]

About seven minutes into our conversation, Harvey and I noticed Mets PR man Jay Horwitz standing in front of us, glaring.

“He’s alright, Jay,” Harvey said. “Jay, he’s alright.”

“What?” I said to Horwitz.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Horwitz said to me.

“OK,” I said, but Horwitz did not move.

“He’s good, Jay,” Harvey said again. “He’s good. If somebody at the top needs to talk, I’ll talk to him.”

“You’re causing me some problems,” Horwitz said to me.

“OK,” I said, then turned back to Harvey.

“Are you writing something?” Horwitz said. “Can I –”

“Jay,” Harvey said. “If somebody needs to talk to the Players’ Association, I have a right to have him writing about me.”

Not wanting to make the situation any more awkward for Harvey, I turned off my recorder and wrapped up the conversation.

Hearing of the interview, Alderson sought out Harvey shortly thereafter.  “I talked with him to provide clarification,” Alderson later told me, explaining that they discussed the rehab process, and whether there was a team-imposed rule against sharing his thoughts with the public. “My recommendation is to manage doing interviews in a way that doesn’t interfere with his day-to-day-activities,” Alderson said. So, is the team’s official position to discourage Harvey from conducting one-one-one interviews? Alderson said that his preference was for Harvey to speak only to a larger group in order to save time, but “It’s up to him to manage.”

Now a couple things. 1) Port St. Lucie fucking sucks. Its the worst place on earth. When you realize the “best” thing to happen to PSL is Mets fucking spring training baseball, that captures the essence of how much it sucks. 2) I’m not one of these people that think athletes should be complete robots. You’re allowed to have a personal life, you’re allowed to fuck chicks, and you should be allowed to live and rehab where you want as long as you do it right.

All that being said – Matt Harvey just doesn’t seem to get it. There’s a reason why this sort of controversy is following him around. He’s made enough of these sort of comments that now he has a reputation. Last year he made some bonehead comments and had his high profile girlfriend and stirred up drama and now these reporters have their angle and they see a bullseye. They have their media rhetoric to try to drum up clicks and views and eyeballs. This “story” is completely blown out of proportion but now all the headlines are “Is a rift developing between Matt Harvey and the Mets?” “Matt Harvey Clashes With Mets.” And so on and so forth. He’s known as a big mouth now. Not because he necessarily did anything “wrong.” But because he acted like he was just a normal dude off the street that can always speak his mind and always do what he wants. He’s not. Hopefully he’s the ace of a big market professional baseball team. You have to give up a lot of freedom if you want that high profile spot. You don’t get to Tweet or Instagram whatever you want without any backlash. You don’t get to decide everything about your rehab without input from the people who are cutting your checks. I don’t see why it would be a big issue to rehab up in New York, but I don’t know the details. Maybe it is. And more importantly you shouldn’t be talking to the media about that. You should be talking to the team. Bottom line is Matt Harvey has caused enough media controversy – whether truly deserved, or not – in the past year or so that his team has instituted certain policies about how and when he can talk to the media. That is flat out a problem.

PS – Dude. We’re really complaining about twitter and where your locker is? Pick your battles, guy.

PPS – Matt Cerrone had this to say about the locker controversy:

“Yes, it’s typical that a player out for the season will have his locker moved, just like Jeremy Hefner’s locker was moved. It’s how clubhouse people arrange the set up. That’s not the point, though. The point is that Harvey didn’t know this was standard operating procedure and was unhappy about it, as he explained on record to Martino. It speaks to a lack of communication between the front office, media department and their most popular star, and it speaks to a young player with a big ego, tremendous talent, a short resume and a long road to recovery.”

Kinda sums it up nicely. How both sides aren’t handling this well. All I will say is that should the Mets really have to hold Harvey’s hand through every situation – explain to him the inner workings of locker placement and all this kind of minor shit – in fear that he might throw a tantrum? Thats ridiculous if thats where we’re at with Matt Harvey.

By KFC posted March 19th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Duke Porn Star Dances At NYC Strip Club

I gotta tip my cap to this bitch.

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NY Post – Duke porn star Belle Knox wiggled across the stage at a Hell’s Kitchen strip club Tuesday night, as the infamous Blue Devil made her debut as an erotic dancer in New York. “This is my first time dancing,” Knox told The Post just before hitting the stage. “I’m nervous but I think it’ll be really empowering.” Knox rocked a plaid mini skirt as she strutted the stage at about 10:30 p.m. and danced to the glam rock anthem “Cherry Pie” before shedding her top and shaking her moneymaker for the packed crowd. “I chose the song Cherry Pie. It’s young, it’s cute, it’s fun to dance to,” the comely co-ed gushed. “I’m still shocked that I have fans. I few months ago I was like a normal girl.” The porn actress — who is planning to make thousands with books, films and her own sex-toy line — said she didn’t even have time to practice her routine. She said she watched some YouTube stripper videos to learn the basics. “I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to practice anything,” said Knox. One club patron came to see Knox dance after watching her CNN interview, and said he was impressed by her routine. “She’s an attractive girl,” the fan said. “I think she’s admirable. She stands for something. She speaks with conviction.” The co-ed has made headlines after being outed by a fellow student. She has said her porn career is a pro-feminist statement. She said she plans to continue her education even though her career has sparked controversy.

I gotta tip my cap to this bitch. She’s a hard 6, if we’re being generous. Face is just blech. I guess at least she’s skinny? But other than the fact that she’ll let you desecrate her on camera she doesn’t bring much to the table. Yet here we are – still talkin about her. One night she’s at Headquarters stripping like a school girl, the next morning on The View with Barbara Walters. One minute on FacialAbuse.com, the next night live on CNN with Piers Morgan. From “anonymous porn star” to national fame. She’s gone from like 50 bucks a facial to a book deal. Can’t knock that hustle. You can knock her ride game, its terrible. You can knock her for being annoying and hypocritical about remaining anonymous. And you can absolutely knock this absurd notion that letting people spit on your face and asphyxiate you with dick is “empowering.” Babygirl you’re just a kinky little minx with sexual issues. Nothing more nothing less.

But you absolutely cannot knock this girl grinding out 15 minutes of fame into 45 mins to an hour.

By KFC posted March 19th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Barstool New York’s Official March Madness Party Is This Friday At Saloon

The greatest sports day of the year is upon us. March Madness Friday. Full slate of games of the first round of the tournament, no work for almost 72 hours. There's a lot to cover at Saloon so here's all the details:

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Saloon NYC – 84th and York

The greatest sports day of the year is upon us. March Madness Friday. Full slate of games of the first round of the tournament, no work for almost 72 hours. Its better than the Divisional Round of the playoffs, better than Opening Day, better than any of it. There’s a lot to cover so here’s all the details:

When: Doors open at 11am, one hour prior to the first tip off. Obviously open all night long until closing at 4am.

Drink Specials: $20 open bar for ANY 2 hour period you select after games begin. You wanna start right at the first game and go from 12pm to 2pm? Go for it. Joining us after you get off of work at 5? Go 5-7. You school plays at 9pm and you only wanna watch then? Go 9-11. Any two hours you want.

Add on an additional hour of open bar for 10 more dollars: The first purchase is a 2 hour, $20 minimum. After that, its just 10 bucks per hour to keep your open bar going.

Cash Bar if for some dumb ass reason you dont want to do the drink specials:  $13 pitchers of Bud Light,$4 Sam Adams and Sam Seasonal, $18 Bud Light Buckets, $5 Fireballs and $6 Bombs.

Food: Served all night long

Reservations: Email management@saloonnyc.com to reserve a table. No time limits if you’re drinking throughout the day.

Extras: Game sound + DJ playing live music in between game breaks. Prize giveaways throughout the entire day.

I’ll be there right at tip off of the 12pm games and plan on recording a live episode of MailTime right as the day picks up some steam. I’m planning on boozing, gambling and shooting the shit on the podcast all day long. If you’re a college student, a cube monkey with PTO days, or an unemployed bum I suggest you join me. Best day of the year. Don’t do something stupid you’ll regret like go to work instead of joining the Stoolies.

 

By KFC posted March 18th, 2014 at 6:30 PM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Nicolette

  Introducing Nicolette from Sacred Heart.  Nothing like a 5 star smoke to lighten up this Tuesday afternoon.  This girl really like bikinis and I really like that about her.   Blackout NYC is coming and this one sells out fast.  Irving Plaza packed to the brim with smokes, yes please. GET TICKETS HERE

 

Introducing Nicolette from Sacred Heart.  Nothing like a 5 star smoke to lighten up this Tuesday afternoon.  This girl really like bikinis and I really like that about her.

 

Blackout NYC is coming and this one sells out fast.  Irving Plaza packed to the brim with smokes, yes please.

GET TICKETS HERE

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By beardo posted March 18th, 2014 at 5:35 PM

New Phil Jackson Knicks Shirts On Sale Now

The Zen Master has returned to the Garden to save the Knicks.

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CLICK HERE TO BUY

The Zen Master has returned to the Garden to save the Knicks. The Messiah of the Franchise restoring respectability to the Mecca of Basketball. He’s the only man capable of making Jim Dolan relinquish control from his stupid, incompetent clutches. He’s what we’ve been waiting for.

The last time Phil was in MSG he was rocking a thick lumberjack beard winning an NBA Title. 30 years later he’s back to restore the glory.

CLICK HERE TO BUY

PS – Wonder is Steve Mills is waiting for Barstool to make a shirt for him too. Poor bastard.

By KFC posted March 18th, 2014 at 5:08 PM
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