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TSG – Meet Taylor Powers. The college student, 21, had to be rescued yesterday afternoon off a Colorado mountain after she ingested mushrooms, stripped off her clothes, and scuffled with two classmates with whom she had been hiking. After receiving a 911 call that a female hiker was “high on mushrooms and in distress,” Boulder County Sheriff’s Office deputies and other assorted rescue personnel (35 in total) responded to Chautauqua Park. Powers was located by a park ranger who discovered that the University of Colorado undergrad had “removed all of her clothing and was being restrained” by two male companions. Rescuers had to handcuff the unruly Powers, who struggled as she was placed in a rescue basket. Cited for unlawful consumption of a controlled substance, Powers was transported to a Boulder hospital, where she was treated and released last night.

These two “male companions” might be the luckiest son of a bitches on the planet. Listen, I get the plan fellas. A couple bros bribing a smoke like Taylor Powers with some psychedelics to come on a mountain hike & get Eiffel Towered is a kick-ass Sunday. But as soon as this chick started losing her shit, I’d have hightailed it off a cliff. Why they stuck around is a mystery to me. Two dudes pinning a naked college chick to the ground against her will is not a good look when the authorities arrive. I’m not taking that chance. I don’t need to be part of a misunderstanding. My motives in bringing this smoke into the mountains are obvious. Finger cuff city. And hot sluts don’t pay for their drugs, so it’s obvious where they came from & why she’s tripping balls. I’d rather just stuff my face with the rest of the shrooms, wander off & leave her to get eaten by a mountain lion than pin her down by her bare titties and rely on the old “it’s not what you think” routine.

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Oldest woman of the world – Luo Meizhen, Chinese woman , 127 year old, still alive! twitter.com/Earth_Pics/sta…

— Earth Pics (@Earth_Pics) May 19, 2013

Now you never know with these “World’s Oldest” people. Who fucking knows how old they really are. When you’re up over 100 you can’t remember if you have a pants full of shit or not, let alone remember your birthday. So I think Guinness has Misao Okawa as the World’s Oldest Woman. Remember her? She was the one with the serious dick sucking lips. But Lou Meizhen is challenging the throne at 127 years old and she looks exactly like the Ticket Oak.

I bet you Luo Meizhen, Ticket Oak, and Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple had threesomes back in the 1890s.

h/t Gene Mazzoni 

I will be back next season along with my big brother @therealjrsmith … Will be a blessing to wear my Knicks uniform.. Prep for 2014 is now

— Chris Smith (@3_ChrisSmith) May 19, 2013

NY Post - The J.R. Smith/Chris Smith package deal is shaping up. The Post has learned point guard Chris Smith, J.R. Smith’s brother who injured his knee during Knicks training camp, has fired his agent, Marc Cornstein, and will hire J.R.’s rep, CAA superagent Leon Rose, who also handles Carmelo Anthony. J.R. Smith is expected to opt out of his contract and re-sign with the Knicks in a four-year deal starting at about $5 million because the Knicks own his early-Bird rights rules. The Knicks could be outbid for J.R. Smith by an under-the-cap team, though it’s unlikely considering his playoff flop. But having Chris Smith as part of the package has convinced the Sixth Man of the Year he wants to stay. After the Game 6 loss Saturday, the embattled Smith said “I want to retire a Knick.’’

Oh. Good. Not only do we get 4 more years of JR Smith, but we get his brother too! Its a 2 for 1 package with the Smith brothers! What a steal! We get one mediocre, streaky, off the court liability AND his scrub brother who is undoubtedly a bad influence for just 20 million bucks.

Truth be told, JR Smith at 5 mil a year is not a bad buy. I’d prefer something more like 2 years though. When he’s hot he’s worth plenty more than that annual salary. When he’s cold and being an absolute asshole off the court, hes one of the last guys I want on my team at all. More importantly though, you gotta think big picture here. Is JR Smith the key to this team winning an NBA title? Or, realistically, challenging the Miami Heat for the East? Right now the NBA is shaping up in 2 different ways – 1) You have a couple superstars and surround them with role players (i.e. Heat, Thunder, Bulls with D Rose, although that may never be the same. Warriors could be shaping up this way with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson) 2) Complete teams, without any “superstars” really (i.e. Grizzlies, Pacers) I put it in quotes because after some playoff success these guys may be more household names, but you get the point. And the Spurs are just this freakish in-between that have been around for eternity, so they are like the gold standard of assembling a team in my mind. But The Grizz and Pacers are shaping up to be like the Pistons back in the mid 2000s. Lebron and Durant’s squads are the super star model that has seemed to dominate for years. And nowhere in either scenario does JR Smith fit. He’s not a bonafide number 2 option. And he’s certainly not an unselfish team player that could be a part of a team like Memphis or Indiana. You could argue that JR Smith at 5 mil a year is a good value, and when he’s putting up 20 and 5 you’d be right. But 4 years of him in the middle of Carmelo’s prime doesn’t take this team to the next level. If he was a true 6th Man complimenting Carmelo and a second option, and if he could stop being a dickhead off the court, he’d be great. But in reality they rely on him to be a second option and thats just not ever gonna be a contending team. Not in this League.

PS – Chris Smith announcing “I will be back next season” is absolutely the most absurd, delusional thing I’ve ever seen

VS.

Both these broads are due sometime in June or July. How is that even possible? Unless Kim is secretly giving birth to twin warthogs, I just can’t understand how there’s that big of a difference. Like I get that your belly gets big. But why is Kim’s thighs and arms and feet and shit pregnant? She’s just grown into a monstrous, monstrous human. Meanwhile Kate Middleton is the only woman in the history of the world who has made being pregnant look kinda sexy. Like I’m on the record saying I think pregnant women are absolutely disgusting. I don’t think they are glowing. I don’t think they are beautiful. I think they’re fat and weird. But Kate Middleton looks unreal there. Sexier than like 90% of the women in this world not carrying another human inside them.

How pissed must Kim be? She’ll probably have Kanye’s devil child, inevitably get divorced from that asshole, never lose her pregnancy weight, and effectively ruin her own life. Princess Kate will go back to being like 110 pounds and life a life of eternal luxury and privacy because she has some fake job of being royalty. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and one went fat and black and the other went skinny and hot.

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Washington Times – A bus company that bills one of its tours as a real-life ride through an actual inner-city ghetto has been packing the seats, as tourists from Europe and Australia have flocked for the up-close-and-personal glimpse into one of America’s crime-ridden areas. The Real Bronx Tours offers the trip three times a week, billing it as “a ride through a real New York City ‘GHETTO,’ ” complete with stops at food-pantry lines and “pickpocket” park, The New York Post reported. The tour is $45, The Post said. A sampling of stops: Tour guide Lynn Battaglia singles out a housing project, before idling nearby a historic church and citing crime and poverty statistics from the South Bronx in 1970, The Post reported. Then on to East 140th Street, where Ms. Battaglia gives a history of the word “pig” as a reference to police officer. “The policeman, his name is Patty, and he would walk up and down that street, and if he ran into an alcoholic, he’d beat them mercilessly,” she said, in The Post. “So they’d call him ‘Patty the Pig.’ “ Other sources actually say the reference to cops as pigs began in London in 1811, The Post said. Area politicians aren’t happy with the theme of the tour. Bronx Borough President Ruben Diaz called the guide “the biggest fool on the planet,” in The Post. “They should tell people about The Bronx that we all know, and that’s The Bronx that’s had the lowest crime rate since 1963 last year. To have foreigners come and gawk at a long line of people who are less fortunate than they are and to make money off of that … is pretty disgusting.”

Who the fuck would pay 45 dollars to ride a bus through the hood and have all the intricacies of a NYC slum pointed out to them? That has gotta be the absolute worst business model I have ever heard. How has this woman ever had a single customer? I mean I know tourists are complete assholes and will fork over money for just about anything, but what the hell is a Ghetto Bus Tour like? Over here on your left you’ll see human excrement, most likely left by a vagrant who uses the sidewalk as a toilet. Looking forward on your right, you’ll see a slew of liquor stores and check cashing storefronts with the occasional take out fried chicken peppered in. You’ll notice there’s no electricity in any of these buildings because Con Edison has cut the power in these neighborhoods because white people need their air conditioning and nobody cares whether the inhabitants here live or die. Please don’t feed the toothless whores or crackheads. And keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times to avoid hypodermic needle pricks.

I sincerely hope one of these days a bus full of Asians and European tourists gets completely hijacked in one of these neighborhoods. NYC Ghetto Bus Tours – costs $45 and potentially all of your other belongings when you get mugged along the way.

FORT WALTON BEACH – A 30-year-old Fort Walton Beach man became angry when his mom hid his bottle of spiced rum and started breaking glass items in their living room, according to an arrest report. Fort Walton Beach Police officers were told the man came home on the night of April 28 at a little after 10, and he was drunk. His mother took his bottle of spiced rum and hid it, which angered the man. He began knocking down and breaking glass items from a shelf in the living room, spreading broken glass over the living room, the officer wrote in the report. The man’s father held him until officers arrived. He said he’d been drinking throughout the night. When officers did a records check, they found he was on probation and shouldn’t have been drinking. He was charged with assault and violation of probation. His court date is May 21.

I’m torn here. Part of me can’t respect a 30 year old man living at home with his parents who drinks spiced rum. I mean last year I was almost a 30 year old man living with his parents but whatever. I just drink Bud Light. Whats the matter with this dude? Couldn’t make your Bacardi and Diet with all your girls? Couldn’t do shots of So Co or make a Captain and Coke like you’re in 9th grade? No Malibu was available? Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

On the flipside there is nothing, and I mean nothing, worse than when you’re shitfaced and people are hiding shit from you and fucking with you. Like the people who try to take away your keys so you don’t drive. I mean nobody condones drunk driving but when you’ve had a few beers and you’re driving down the block and you got the Mothers Against Drunk Driving brigade come out and try to take your keys, its so fucking annoying. Or the people who try to take drinks away from shitfaced girls. Try to sneakily swap out their drink with some water or something. Hey toots I paid cold, hard cash for that drink specifically so she’ll be shitfaced enough to sleep with me, don’t you touch it. Or I guess when your mom hides your booze even though you’re 30 years old. If my mom hid my Bud Lights I’d probably go on a rampage too. Can’t stand any of that shit. Let drunk people be drunk, people.

Hey gay dude, snap out of it! What, an older woman wants you to feel her cans? Stop hovering like a little girl. It’s Tan Mom, bitch. I don’t care how much you’d rather be double-fisting dicks, show some respect and squeeze those wrinkly brown bombs. Stop projecting.

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