Does Everyone Know About The Local Beer Garden Hosting This Weekend’s Barstool New York Summer Party?

Everyone is always shocked when I tell them theres a huge outdoor deck/beer garden right on 33rd and 8th. One of the best hidden gems out there. We'll be there this Sunday, 3pm. Cheap beer, good food, live music and plenty of space to sit.

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Every time I mention the Barstool New York Summer Luau coming up this Sunday, everyone is shocked about the beer garden in the heart of Manhattan thats hosting it. Its in the back of Local West on 33rd and 8th. I’ve grabbed a drink and a bite at Local approximately 50,000 times before a game at the Garden or a train at Penn Station but I had no idea about the beer garden in the back. I knew about the roof deck, but the beer garden is like a hidden gem. Huge outdoor space. Tons of picnic tables and high top tables to eat and drink at. Two bars, outdoor TVs, waitress service, live music. Literally everything you need to have a great Sunday boozing outside.

Its the perfect spot for all the Stoolies looking to drink on a Sunday to keep the weekend going. There will be plenty of space to stash your bags if you’re hopping right off the train at Penn Station and looking to party. Perfect atmosphere to put off Monday morning for a few more hours. Here’s all the details:

What: Barstool New York Summer Bash Luau
Where: Local West Beer Garden, 33rd and 8th
When: Sunday, August 3rd, 3pm, *FREE DRINK TICKETS FOR EARLY ARRIVAL*
Drinks: $4 16 oz bottles, mixed drink specials
Prizes: 4 tickets to Made In America, Transportation and Hotel included.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 3:20 PM

George RR Martin Clarifies That He Loves Boobs, Not Weiner, After South Park’s Episode About Him

"I have nothing against weenies, weenies are fine, but I am not obsessed with weenies. I am definitely on the boobies side of the equation."

AV Club – Always more than happy to take away the things that you enjoy, George R.R. Martin has offered a rebuttal to the intimation made by South Park that he’s obsessed with wieners. Clevver News caught up with Martin at Comic-Con, where he was taking some much-needed downtime, and asked him what he thought of those late November episodes. And while Martin, a professed South Park fan, said he hadn’t actually watched them—though his wife and assistants have, and they remain on his TiVo waiting to wound his “sensitive soul”—he’s well aware that they portray him as an author of unlimited imagination when it comes to flaccid penises. Or, as the man who once described both the “thick and veined, with a bulbous purple head” penis of Tyrion and the “fat pink mast” of Samwell Tarly prudishly calls them, “weenies”:

I do have to say, I’ve been told that my character on South Park is obsessed about weenies. I have to deny this as a scurrilous rumor. I have nothing against weenies, weenies are fine, but I am not obsessed with weenies. I am definitely on the boobies side of the equation. They picked the wrong equation for me. Boobies, not weenies.

Does everybody hear that? The man loves boobies, OK? Not weeines. Team Boobies. Don’t worry about the fact that literally every week the TV show focuses on at least one dude – usually multiple guys – who have had their cocks chopped off. Don’t pay any attention to the fact that the phrase “stones and pillars” is mentioned twice an episode. Khaleesi hasn’t shown her tits in about 3 seasons. If George RR Martin says boobies are for him and he doesn’t like weenies then thats bottom line because George RR Martin says so.

Love him backpedaling a bit with the “not that theres anything wrong with that.” I have nothing against weenies, weenies are fine buttt uhhh yea I love tits.”

PS – Dana Ward is Giuliana Rancic 2.0. E! should just sign her now.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

Chick Arrested For Leaving Her Children In The Car While She Blew Some Dude In The Parking Lot

Sometimes you gotta just run into the store real quick to buy some bread and milk and its easier to just leave the kids in the car. Sometimes you gotta go give your boyfriend some sloppy top a few cars down in the parking lot and you just tell them to stay put. Whats so terrible about that?

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The Smoking GunA Louisiana woman left her two young children unattended in her SUV while she performed oral sex on her boyfriend in his vehicle around 12:30 AM Friday, police report.  Princess Marks, 25, reportedly admitted to Calcasieu Parish Sheriff’s Office deputies that she was unable to see her children–aged seven and five–while she was pleasuring her boyfriend in the parking lot of a Lake Charles store. Cops found the children inside the SUV, which was not running and had its windows down. Marks’s post-midnight assignation resulted in her arrest for child desertion. Seen in the adjacent mug shot, Marks was booked into jail and later released after posting $5000 bond on the felony count. Following her collar, Marks’s offspring were placed in the custody of family members. Her beau–whom investigators did not identify–was not arrested.

If I hear one more goddam story about people getting in trouble for leaving their kids in the car I’m gonna fucking snap. Its like the newest rage. People freaking the fuck out about leaving kids and dog in cars. Can we all fucking relax? Its not like you left them in some torture dungeon or something. Sometimes you gotta just run into the store real quick to buy some bread and milk and its easier to just leave the kids in the car for a minute. Sometimes you gotta go give your boyfriend some sloppy top a few cars down in the parking lot and you just tell them to stay put. Whats so terrible about that?

I mean what would you have preferred? Do you want her to bring the kids when she’s sucking this guy’s dick? Oh yea thats real good parenting. Just have little Suzie and little Johnny sit in the back seat while you blow your boyfriend up front. Much better solution. Bottom line is sometimes you gotta run some errands and sometimes you gotta suck a dick and you can’t be lugging the kids with you every single time.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

Drunk Chick On The LIRR Eating Handfuls Of Chips Off The Floor Like A Beast

The 5 Second Rule becomes the 55 Second Rule when you're shitfaced and potato chips might as well be filet mignon when you're that hammered.

Now I’m not gonna sit here and tell you the floor of the LIRR isn’t absolutely disgusting. For all you know that train could have been the last Boardy Barn train on Sunday where people were puking, peeing, and shitting on the floor. So I fully understand that its gross and I’m not telling you I prefer to eat my chips off the ground. But what I am telling you is that I have zero problem with this move. The 5 Second Rule becomes the 55 Second Rule when you’re shitfaced and potato chips might as well be filet mignon when you’re that hammered. If you’re too much of a hoity toity germophobe to eat chips off the floor of the train when you’re shitfaced then just stay in your Ivory Tower and live your uptight life of misery. Because yes, you may end up on Barstool Sports eating food off the ground like a Homeless, but this face right here:

Is pure ecstasy. If you’re a germophobe you’ve probably never been as happy and satisfied as this chick is at that exact moment. Just delicious soot, filth, and garbage flavored potato chips crunching down her gullet. You can keep your health and your clean food, me and this chick will just be fat, drunk, happy and leaving the rest up to our immune systems.

PS – Would.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Turkish Prime Minister Says Women Should Not Laugh In Public

Well looks like its time to break out the KFC Map Of Places I'd Live and update it

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Hurriyet – Women should not laugh out loud in public, Deputy Prime Minister Bülent Arınç has said while complaining about “moral corruption” in Turkey. Speaking during an Eid el-Fitr meeting on July 28, Arınç described his ideal of the chaste man or woman, saying they should both have a sense of shame and honor. “Chastity is so important. It is not only a name. It is an ornament for both women and men. [She] will have chasteness. Man will have it, too. He will not be a womanizer. He will be bound to his wife. He will love his children. [The woman] will know what is haram and not haram. She will not laugh in public. She will not be inviting in her attitudes and will protect her chasteness,” Arınç said, adding that people had abandoned their values today. People needs to discover the Quran once again, Arınç said, adding that there had been a regression on moral grounds. “Where are our girls, who slightly blush, lower their heads and turn their eyes away when we look at their face, becoming the symbol of chastity?” he said. He said some TV series geared toward young people had because teenagers to grow up only as “sex addicts,” accusing those who abuse the excitement of youths with publications on TV, the web, newspapers, or in educational places, especially in universities. Arınç also complained about high consumption, referring to the number of cars and mobile phones that individuals have. Targeting women once more, Arınç said women talk about unnecessary things on the phone. “Women give each other meal recipes while speaking on the mobile phone. ‘What else is going on?’ ‘What happened to Ayşe’s daughter?’ ‘When is the wedding?’ Talk about this face to face,” he said. People should not use their personal cars unnecessarily, he also said, adding that even if the Nile River was full of oil, there would not be enough fuel to power cars.

Well looks like its time to break out the KFC Map Of Places I’d Live and update it:

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Not that Turkey was EVER on the list to begin with but I just wanted to make sure I update the map to officially reflect that Turkey is off the map. Buncha prude chicks walking around not laughing is like my worst nightmare. As a guy who has only gotten laid a mediocre amount of time strictly by trying to be funny, a country where chicks are banned from laughing is my nightmare. I mean I suppose the flip side of things is that you just order them around and tell them to have sex with you and they have to obey? I guess that part’s not so bad. But the thought of a bunch of silent, prude chicks just giving you the ice grill every time you crack a joke focusing strictly on their chastity is about as lame as it gets. And on top of that he’s saying no cars or cell phones? Get the fuck out of here, Turkey. No laughing no texting and I gotta walk everywhere? And its in the Middle East? Sounds like the worst place on Earth. Off the list.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Chargers Lineman Being Sued For Giving A Woman Herpes Says Sores On His Penis Were Just From Getting Stuck In His Zipper

TMZ – A Pittsburgh Steelers defensive lineman is being sued by a woman who claims he gave her herpes … and tried to hide it from her by saying sores on his penis were caused by a zipper malfunction … this according to a lawsuit obtained by TMZ Sports. The man at the center of the lawsuit is Cam [...]

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TMZA Pittsburgh Steelers defensive lineman is being sued by a woman who claims he gave her herpes … and tried to hide it from her by saying sores on his penis were caused by a zipper malfunction … this according to a lawsuit obtained by TMZ Sports. The man at the center of the lawsuit is Cam Thomas – a nose tackle who started 10 games for the Chargers last year. According to the lawsuit, filed in San Diego, a woman named “Adrienne” says she started dating Thomas in 2010 and often had unprotected sex. Adrienne claims she noticed “puss-filled bumps on his buttocks and inner thigh” and asked about them — but he explained they were the result of sweat buildup caused by his football gear. In the docs, Adrienne says she also noticed “bruises and sores” on his penis back in March 2010 — but again, he had an explanation … telling her “the sores on [the] penis came from getting it stuck in a zipper.” Adrienne claims she was tested for STDs in December 2010 but the results showed she was clean. It wasn’t until February 2012 that she tested positive for genital herpes … and she claims Thomas is the only person who could’ve passed along the disease.

I’ve always had a pretty strong motto that if you don’t have herpes, then you ain’t trying hard enough. You should get out there in life and have sex with so many people that you get the herp. Wear it as a badge of honor. Everyone else with a clean dick is gonna regret how they didn’t have enough sex in your life. When you die with an STD you can say to yourself “I left it all on the field.”

Which brings me to this situation here. I don’t want to go all Stephen A Smith here and blame the victim but when you’re about to have sex with a dude and you see his butt and his dick covered in puss filled sores, you probbbbably shouldn’t let him inside you. I don’t care what story he tells you about a Something About Mary zipper malfunction. Don’t care what he tells you about crotch rot. Don’t you chicks know we’ll say absolutely anything to have sex with you? We’ll lie we’ll exaggerate we’ll tell you our dick got caught in a zipper. We’re talking about a professional football player who’s probably had sex with about 2,000 women. If you have sex with any pro athlete, let alone one covered in sores, you’re probably gonna get an STD. You don’t get to complain about it 2 years later when you got the herp.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Paramount Pictures In Australia In Trouble For Making Ninja Turtles Movie Posters Evoking 9/11 Images

Alright is this a little bit of a bonehead decision given the release date? Yes, I suppose. But lets relax with the controversy and outrage.

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Daily mailParamount Australia has sparked outrage and ridicule after promoting the September 11 release of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film with a poster showing the heroes falling from an exploding building. The poster, which was shared through Paramount Australia’s official Twitter page, evoked anger due to its visual similarity to the 9/11 terror attacks, which killed 2,996 people in 2001. The film, which stars Megan Fox and Johnny Knoxville, is released in August in the United States and October in Europe, but its Australian release date comes exactly 13 years to the day after 19 hijackers took control of four airliners and carried out the deadly September 11 attacks. The controversial poster was shared on Paramount Australia’s Twitter page last night, and immediately drew negative comments. One of the Twitter replies, posted by user @MorningAfterKill said: ‘So who’s getting fired for this poster art? September 11? Exploding buildings? People falling out of them? Le sigh’. Another message by @AusFestivus added: ‘Guys. Sept 11 and exploding buildings is a bad look okay’, while a third tweet, by @yilmaz16, said: ‘Really 9/11? Jumping out of an exploding building?’ Paramount has since deleted its original message showing off the movie poster, and has tweeting several considerably less controversial images from the upcoming release.

Alright listen – the fact that the release date in Australia is actually September 11th does make this a pretty bonehead decision. The fact that it says September 11 on the poster and shows an exploding building is pretty questionable. But I think we all need to relax with the outrage every single time there’s an image or a reference thats even slightly reminiscent of 9/11.

Exploding buildings have been in movies before 2001 and they’re gonna be in movies after it. I don’t think Hollywood isn’t sympathetic to the events that happened 13 years ago because of something like this. I don’t think they are tasteless because of it. Again, is it a little stupid that you created a poster that said “September 11″ with an exploding building? Yea, somebody probably should have caught that. The reality of the matter is you always gotta have a head on a swivel when it comes to possibly upsetting people about 9/11. Its like blackface or hurting dogs – its going to cause instant outrage every time so its an automatic “avoid at all costs.” But not everything needs to be controversy. Not everything needs to be an outrage. We all remember and respect and mourn the people who died that day and we don’t need to tweet at Paramount Pictures saying they’ve offended the world to prove it. Its an unfortunate, untimely coincidence – its not the end of the world.

The most important thing is that there’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles summer blockbuster thats going to make a bazillion dollars while obese people eat buckets of popcorn and guzzle down gallons of soda. The American way of life has continued to prevail in this post 9/11 world. If terrorist attacks couldn’t stop that, a poster ain’t either.

By KFC posted July 29th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Big Sexy Bartolo Pretending He Has A Pre-Game Routine

Just flat out making up this warm up exercise

 

How about your boy Tolo out there tonight? Working on another shutout as I write this but the highlight of his night came before he ever even took the mound. Just flat out making up this warm up routine trying to make it look like he’s got some pre game system or ritual. I genuinely think he’s in the outfield like “Alright cameras are probably on me so lets do a little of this…and a little of this…some of that. Alright now it looks like I know what I’m doing.” Just flapping his arms like a bird with some sort of YMCA dance. Proceeded to take the mound and mow down the downright pathetic Phillies lineup just tossing junk fastballs 90% of the time.

Oodles.

By KFC posted July 28th, 2014 at 9:12 PM
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