The Definitive List Of Rich People Candy

The other side of the coin.

Halloween-candy-1-480x342

 

Well we already exposed all the Poor People Candy. Admittedly the argument got skewed a bit. The label of “Poor” was meant to mean more like “reject.” All those candies are the bootleg, no name, reject candy that gets left at the bottom of the bowl at Halloween. You egg the house of the person who gives you those candies. And even if you like some of those candies, you need to have enough self awareness to understand you’re chowing down on scumbag candy. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all slum it sometimes. But you need to understand that not all candy was created equal.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are the bougie candies. The fancy candy. High society, pinkies up, “gourmet” candy. And just like some of the poor people candy may be tasty, the fancy people candy can taste like shit. Candy is almost like a bottle of wine – you dont need to be the asshole buying the $300 bottle to get a tasty wine. The best candy is just the quality chocolate bars and candies at the register at CVS. But these are the stuffy, bougie candies that cake eaters eat. (Note: like 90% is chocolate because chocolate is the Cadillac of candy)

1373837722_Toblerone-of-Switzerland

Toblerone. What the fuck is Tolberone? I’ll tell you right now to your face if you eat a triangle shaped chocolate bar, I don’t trust you as a human being. Thats some Illunimati shit or something. Absolutely no reason to make a chocolate bar triangular unless you’re trying to be an asshole. And I love the “of Switzerland” dig at the bottom. Hey Toblerone suck my dick. I’d rather eat a Milky Way any day of the week over you. I dont even know how to pronounce you. Tober-lone? Toe-blay-rone? Toe-bull-roni? Get the fuck out of here. Yesterday on Twitter someone said his dad used to bring this home for him after business trips and thats exactly what Toblerone is. Just some bougie chocolate that your absentee father uses to try to buy your love.

ghirardelli5bars500

Are we talking about a chocolate bar or an Italian artist from the Renaissance? Christ almighty. And I dont like anything described as “Intense Dark.” Sounds like an interracial porn website that I want no part of. Tahitian Treasure? Spicy Pican? Get lawst, Ghirardelli.

Godiva

GodivaChocoiste-MilkChocTruffle

 

The most popular of all bougie chocolates. No doubt delicious, its just a matter of whether or not you have 50 bucks to spend on a box of assorteds and 2 chocolate covered strawberries. I remember when I was a kid I’d get this shit for my girlfriends on Valentine’s Day and what not. I’d break the fucking bank every time. I’d be giving them like a $40 piece of jewelry and $50 worth of overpriced chocolates. Anytime you’re getting candy from a storefront in the Westchester mall thats in between stores like Armani and Gucci you know you’re spending too much money on chocolate.

Lindt

01_excellence

 

Here’s another one I cant even really say. Lint? Lind-int? How are you supposed to pronounce a -dt? Anyway Lindt is known for their truffles. Even though chocolate truffle has absolutely nothing to do with the fancy expensive mushrooms I still feel like they go hand in hand. Truffle = expensive as fuck. I mean just look at this Lindt asshole:

Exellence_Lindt_chocolate

 

You think you’d ever see a Hershey’s “chef” posing like this? Fuck no. And all this “Dark cocoa” stuff can take a hike. Its like they try to make their candy as bitter as possible to seem classy.

Gold Coins

1candycoins-fb

I’m so fancy! I fucking love the chocolate gold coins in the net bag. Always made me feel like a pirate or Scrooge McDuck with gold coins. Not even really sure where these came from? I dont remember I got them. They always just appeared. Maybe in Easter baskets? Which brings me too…

Cadbury

cadbury-cream-eggs-4pack-im-130773

I’m pretty sure Prince William and Prince Harry spent their teenage years throwing their loads inside Cadbury eggs. Absolutely disgusting. Fuck Cadbury eggs, fuck the Royal Family, and fuck England. Bougie shit.

Andes

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 12.14.54 PM

 

I’m sure in reality these arent very expensive or fancy, but when you’re in the hotel wearing the robe and using the jacuzzi bath and then they put these little fuckers on your pillow, you cant help but feel like high society.

After Eight Thinmints

After-Eight-Dark-Chocolate-Mint-Box

After Eight’s make Andes look like that one friend poor friend you had in elementary school. Almost bumps Andes down to the Poor Candy list. I feel like after a polo match and dinner with duck as the main entree, you serve After Eight mints. Maybe even sneak a couple before your polo match and tea time with cucumber sandwiches

VSC Chocolate Liquors 

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 1.09.29 PM

 

You ever eat these little fuckers? Little bottles of chocolate filled with booze? Some Grand Marnier chocolates all wrapped up in a little baby bottle. So bougie.

 

Lemondrops

51SSFpHbVnL._SY300_

Any time your candy comes inside a fucking tin canister, you know thats some rich people shit. These are like the Altoids of candy. Metal case with wax paper treating these goddam lemondrops like they are gold nuggets. Relax, Cavendish & Harvey. Its just candy.

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 9.41.56 AM

The layman’s Godiva. Still bougie in its own right. My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates, sometimes you pick the one thats dark chocolate filled with some sort of blackberry jelly that tastes like absolute SHIT. Seriously I’d say that about 2 chocolates in an entire assorted box are actually tasty. There’s like one milk chocolate one and one that has some caramel and the rest are all fucking gross. Just because it comes in a box with a bow doesnt mean shit.

promises_dark

Dove is just fancy all around. Whether we’re talking about the soap company Dove or the chocolate. Again like the truffles, absolutely zero connection but in my mind there is. Just creamy, soft, smooth Dove products. Dove ice cream bars are legit as fuck but again, you need like 9 dollars for one. You can buy the entire ice cream truck for the cost of one Dove bar.

 

 

 

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 11.10.21 AM

Disgusting. Flat out revolting. Cherries are awful. In any variation. Candies, pastries, sodas. Cherry is for the birds. Just tastes like cough medicine. You can cover it in chocolate and wrap it up in fancy foil but there’s no hiding your deep dark secret. At the middle of this candy is a disgusting cherry and you cant fix that.

Ferrero Rocher

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 12.23.33 PM

 

To be honest I dont even know what this is. But everyone is telling me I need to include it so if we’re gonna call a list Definitive you gotta have it all. But this is so fancy I’ve never even had one.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 12:07 PM

Plain Clothes Cop Kicks NYPD Officer Right In The Head During Arrest

Really, who needs to take the time to figure out who's brain they are kicking, right? Thats kinda the whole point of being a cop

GothamistA plainclothes NYPD officer kicked a uniformed officer in the head during a rough arrest in a Coney Island subway station earlier this year. The misguided kick is so forceful you can actually hear it above the cacophony erupting from the arrest. After realizing he kicked a fellow officer, the unidentified cop kindly rubs his colleague’s head, then punches the suspect in the face. DNAinfo reports that officer McKickacoppy was stripped of his gun and badge after the video surfaced. After his arrest, the suspect “pleaded guilty to a reduced charge and his case has been sealed.”

Direct hit, you sunk my battleship. What a perfect kick right to the fucking head. Steel toe Timbs right to the skull. Really, who needs to take the time to figure out who’s brain they are kicking, right? Thats kinda the whole point of being a cop. You get to run red lights. You get to park wherever you want. And when it comes to kicking people in the head you can kick whoever you want. Police brutality for everyone! Friends, foe. Enemies, colleagues. Whatever. Just make a guestimate on who the real criminal is and go Adam Vinatieri on his noggin.

PS – Love the little head rub afterwards in the middle of the scuffle. Just like you do to a little kid when they bang their head on the counter. Rub it real hard that will make it feel better buddy!

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Judge Rules Chick Can Keep Her Engagement Ring After Dumping Her Boyfriend

This is the scummiest, grimiest move ever

102214_ring_va010_100945193-e1414040930339

NY Post –  If you like it, fellas, you should put a ring on it — but remember to actually pop the question first. A judge has ruled a Long Island woman who broke up with her boyfriend can keep a $10,200 “engagement” ring because her paramour didn’t make a marriage proposal when he handed over the pricey gift. Unlucky loverboy Joseph Robert Torres, of Yonkers, went to court to snatch back the ring from former gal pal Debbie Lopez, citing a law that lets men retrieve their engagement rings if their wedding plans go bust. He claimed he proposed to the Valley Stream brunette in an emotional April 2010 moment at Rockefeller Center, when he had the couple’s 6-year-old son hand her the ring. Lopez, 48, wore it on her left ring finger and even told friends “Maybe, I don’t know yet,” when asked if she was engaged, according to court records. But after the couple split in 2012, Lopez refused to give up her pricy hardware without a fight. She claimed she didn’t have to surrender the ring because Torres, 52, didn’t actually propose marriage when he gave it to her. “When he gave it to me, he said it was a gift for being a great woman, a good mother of his child,” Lopez told The Post. The case went before Nassau County Judge Scott Fairgrieve, who ruled that Lopez was not bound by the law requiring women to return engagement rings because it was “given as a gift and not in contemplation of marriage,” according to an Oct. 14 ruling. Torres’ White Plains-based attorney, Jasmine Hernandez, said her client was “stunned and disappointed” by the ruling because he though he was getting engaged. “He asked [her] to marry him, and the defendant said absolutely,” Hernandez stated in court papers. Lopez said she was also surprised that her son’s father fought so hard for the ring. “Our relationship didn’t work out, [and] he decided to sue me for the ring,” she said. “I’m like, I don’t understand this, the whole idea was I didn’t want to bother with the ring.”

Yo. FUCK this chick. This is the scummiest, grimiest move ever. You wanna dump this guy? Go for it. Go nuts. I don’t care if he’s the father of your child. I dont care if you’re standing on the altar. When you get the feeling that you need to pull the rip cord on a relationship, you have every right to do that. But you do NOT get to keep that ring you greedy, selfish motherfucker. You were at Roc Center. The 6 year old son gave you the ring. You wore it on your left finger as an engagement ring. Its a fucking engagement ring. And really, the story here is that even if it wasn’t an engagement ring – even if there’s some fucking made up ring loophole in the justice system – you gotta be a grade A loser to keep that ring afterwards. Have some pride. If the tables were turned I’d give that ring back so fast strictly because I wouldn’t want to be known as the cheap as weasel who dumped someone and kept their $10,000 ring. I’m giving that back strictly based on principal. Not only is it weird that every time someone asks you about the rock on your finger you have to explain you basically stole it from your ex, but its also all about keeping up your reputation. You’ve just got no self respect if you keep that shit.

PS – LOVE this dude doing the Hokey Pokey on his proposal. He’s got one foot in, one foot out. You gave her the ring, but you never really gave her the ring. Didn’t get down on one knee and technically the kid gave it to her. Told her she was a great woman and a great mother, never really said “will you marry me?” Just the ultimate non-committal I’m proposing without actually proposing move. Just complete, total, utter appeasement of the girlfriend. I guess thats how you end up losing your $10,000 investment though.

By KFC posted October 23rd, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Giants Fan Puts His Head Through A Glass Door During Loss To The Cowboys

I feel you bro. I feel you.

Window

NJ.comA bar patron described by police as an over-zealous football fan was charged with criminal mischief after shattering a glass door with a headbutt. Kenneth Tarr, 23, was arrested about 7 p.m. Sunday at the Caddy Shack Bar & Grill at the Meadows Golf Course in Plainsboro, police said. The incident occurred during the Giants-Cowboys game. The Giants lost, 31-21. “Kenneth Tarr became so overly excited while watching football that he headbutt the glass front-entrance door, which subsequently shattered,” police stated in a press release. Tarr, of Quail Ridge Drive, was arrested and taken to the Plainsboro Police Department, where he was charged with criminal mischief and released on his own recognizance pending a court date. Damage to the door was estimated at $500, police said.

I feel you bro. I feel you. I’m assuming it was after one of Donnell’s 4th quarter fumbles or the 9 Cowboys 3rd down conversions. Or maybe just a drunken culmination of the post-2011 torture that is a Giants fan. Big Blue has had a knack for building fans up just to bring them back down again and this season has been no different. After opening up with a pair of self-inflicted losses, three straight W’s had the bandwagon riding high – only to be crane kicked in the yam bag by division L’s in Philly & Dallas. Now the G-Men are at their bye week down Cruz, possibly Beason & multiple games behind their biggest rivals. The offensive line has been straight up bipolar and they just don’t have the talent to get away with their 4th-quarter fumblitis that’s killed them against the Cards & Cowboys. JPP’s talking about running the table – I don’t have access to a level of drugs that’ll have me optimistic with Indy/Seattle/SF/Dallas coming out of the bye. Still, the Giants first half of football hasn’t been ALL bad.

Read the rest of this entry »

By 610 posted October 23rd, 2014 at 9:30 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Sophia

  Introducing Sophia from Mamaroneck.  Talk about a mid week pick me up.  This girl is stunning from head to toe.   Know any smokes? Nominate by emailing a name and Facebook link to beardobarstool@gmail.com    

1

 

Introducing Sophia from Mamaroneck.  Talk about a mid week pick me up.  This girl is stunning from head to toe.

 

Know any smokes? Nominate by emailing a name and Facebook link to beardobarstool@gmail.com

 

 

2

3

4

5

7

8

9

By beardo posted October 22nd, 2014 at 5:35 PM

Man On Fire Walking Around The Streets In Brooklyn

I wonder if Taylor Swift thought about including this in her Welcome To New York song? Welcome To New York! Its been waiting for you! Welcome to New York! There are tobacco bootleggers walking around the streets set ablaze by a chemical fire!

Gothamist – An unidentified man was critically injured yesterday afternoon after a flash fire in a Midwood, Brooklyn basement set his clothes ablaze. An FDNY spokesman says first responders rushed to the scene, at 910 McDonald Avenue, shortly after 1:30 yesterday and transported the man in critical condition to Maimonides Medical Center. Security camera footage of the incident shows the burning man wandering along the sidewalk in a daze. Sources tell the Daily News the man was drying tobacco leaves for his upcoming “hookah binge,” and a neighbor says he may have been using acetone when fumes from the chemicals ignited the pilot light in the basement’s water heater. ABC 7 reports:

The man’s clothing was literally burned off his body, and firefighters were on the scene in minutes. But it was the work of two men — a truck driver and a businessman — who sprung into action, got him on the ground and put out the flames.“I hung up the phone and I started chasing him,” passerby Alex Mayer said. “And I’m like, ‘Drop and roll! Drop and roll!’ I caught up with a half block up, when he finally dropped.”

“He dropped on his side to roll, but he was still on fire,” the truck driver, Claude, said. “And I took the fire extinguisher out of the truck and I sprayed him…It put the fire out.”

“One guy came out of the truck with his fire extinguisher and sprayed his sneakers,” Mayer said. “And another guy literally grabbed the shirt of his back.”

“I don’t know if he was bald or not but he definitely didn’t have any hair left now,” Mayer tells the Post. “His lips were white. A lot of his clothing melted.”

I wonder if Taylor Swift thought about including this in her Welcome To New York song? Welcome To New York! Its been waiting for you! Welcome to New York! There are tobacco bootleggers walking around the streets set ablaze by a chemical fire!

I can’t imagine a hookah binge is worth losing your skin, lips and hair. If we’re being honest I dont even really know what a hookah binge is. I think hookah is quite literally the dumbest thing anyone can spend time doing. Its a complete waste of time and money. There was always kids in high school who loved that shit. Go to a fucking hookah bar in the city and smoke fruit flavored tobacco and shit. Uhh no thanks dude. I’m good with my Mikes Hard Lemonade and my shitty weed. To each their own though, I guess. Everyone has their own vice. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and say 3rd degree burns over 90% of your body probably wasn’t worth it. No hookah binge is worth living almost burning alive.

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 4:50 PM

Dude Auctioning Off Every Nintendo 64 Game Ever (Along With Console, Controllers, And Rumble Paks) For $10,000

It moved.

Screen Shot 2014-10-22 at 2.03.20 PM

via eBay (click image to enlarge in hi-res)

Did it move for you too? It took me from 6-to-midnight and lit me a cigarette once it was done.  $10,000 has never looked so fucking sexy.  Do I start at the top (007: Goldeneye) and go through the entire alphabet?  Or do I just dabble with the old favorites like Kart and Donkey Kong Country?  Maybe I’ll mix in some Wrestlemania 2000?  You’re right, there are more questions than answers right now.

Two more things:

1.  My Mount Rushmore 64 is Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Goldeneye, and Ocarina of Time.  I don’t think anyone can rationally argue against that fearsome foursome.

2. This video will always stand the test of time, mostly because of the slow motion ending.  That kid looks like a young Jonathan Papelbon.  Actually if you told me that was Paps, I would believe you.

By theclemreport posted October 22nd, 2014 at 4:30 PM

KFC Radio Returns This Week, Call The Barstool Hotline Now To Leave Us Voicemails

The boys are back in town!

KFCRadio

 

The boys are back in town! Me, Feits and Big Cat reunite once again this week for another edition of KFC Radio. We’re like the Planeteers on Captain Planet. I am Hate, Feits is Pervert, and Big Cat is Fat…when our powers combined…

Call 646-807-8665 and leave us voicemails for this week’s episode. Anything you wanna talk about. Wedding stuff, Pats vs Bears, Halloween, whatever. Call now.

By KFC posted October 22nd, 2014 at 4:10 PM
© 2014 Barstool Sports | Disclaimer | Copyright | Privacy Policy | Media Kit