Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Jason Kidd Is The Biggest Snake In The NBA And I Love it

Give me the coach who will bend the rules, the coach who will BREAK the rules, and the coach that will do whatever it takes to help his team win, over the "play the game the right way," coach every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

jason-kidd-party-foul

 

 

 

Lets get one thing straight.  Give me the coach who will bend the rules, the coach who will BREAK the rules, and the coach that will do whatever it takes to help his team win, over the “play the game the right way,”  coach every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Jason Kidd has gone from a coach who looked like a deer in the headlights at first, to a cut- throat “snake it till you make it,” mastermind over the course of just a few months. Should Kidd have fired Lawrence Frank the way he did at the beginning of the season? Probably not. Did he seem to give any fucks about doing it? Nope. Did Kidd orchestrate one of the greatest intentional soda spills of all-time? Yup. Did it get his team the extra timeout he wanted? It sure as hell did.

Which brings me to the most recent example. Evan Roberts from WFAN can tell me until he is blue in the face that the Nets were simply getting guys healthy and not tanking to avoid Chicago in the first round, but I’m not buying it. It is entirely possible in this case that resting players and tanking were the exact same thing. The fan base is demanding at least a first-round win, regardless of who the Nets play and Kidd knows that playing Toronto without the home court is a hell-of-a-lot easier than playing Chicago without the home court. If you looked at the Nets starting 5, and the minutes played for the key guys over the last 3 games, it’s not very hard to see what Jason Kidd was doing, and I commend him on having the balls to do it right in front of everyone’s faces.

PS – Full Nets/Raptors preview blog sometime in the next two days, but this may be the direction I’m going in…..

 

Drake

Still want to root for Toronto?

@Viva_La_Nets

By frodo posted April 17th, 2014 at 4:10 PM

Barstool DVR: Game Of Thrones And The Best TV Deaths

Also how much I hate the Book Is Better Than The Movie people out there

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Big episode this week for Barstool DVR. Major turn of events in Game of Thrones which brought all the “Book Is Better Than The Movie” assholes to the forefront. Can’t even begin to describe how much I hate these people. And its not that I hate people that read books. I’m not a Nazi. Its not that I even hate people who may, in fact, think that sometimes a book is better than a movie. Its that I hate people who can’t recognize that they sound like a fucking high horse asshole when a bunch of people are talking about their favorite TV show and they have to be the dick chiming in about their book. Its a persona that goes along with the opinion. You want everyone to know you read the book and its like you look down upon TVs or movies because of it.

So, we discuss those assholes and the Game of Thrones books vs series. All the most memorable TV deaths from the best series, and I weigh in quickly on Fargo, Turn and Silicon Valley. House of Cards episode is next on the schedule

NOTE: This podcast obviously contains spoilers. We talk about people dying in Thrones, Breaking Bad, the Wire, The Sopranos, Sons of Anarchy, 24, Lost etc etc. Don’t cry to me.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 3:20 PM

There’s Being A Diehard Mets Fan…And Then There’s Getting A Mets Prosthetic Leg

You're a better man than I am, bro.

Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 11.45.14 AM

“If I had to get a new leg, why not make it a Mets leg?”

This is Patrick Filosa from Brooklyn New York. Suffered from a rare bone disease that unfortunately made him require a prosthetic leg, and this crazy son of a bitch went with a Mets theme for it. Now I’m certainly not knocking Patrick. He seems like the type of guy who truly lives by the “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” mantra. But Patrick, this has gotta be the shittiest lemonade I’ve ever seen. I mean half the time I can’t even stomach games. More often then not I gotta change the channel when I see Terry Collins babbling in gibberish in interviews. I gotta mute the TV every time I see Jeff Wilpon or Sandy Alderson lying through their teeth to the fans. I spend my whole life basically trying to escape the clutches of the Mets. And then here’s Patrick Filosa. Patty 1Leg. Who willingly makes the Mets part of his physical body. Dedicates an entire appendage to this franchise. You sir, are a better man than I. And not because you’ve dealt with the loss of your leg like a champion. Its because you gotta be an absolute gem to dedicate yourself this much to that organization. I tip my cap to you for so many reasons brotha. Sick shoe game on that bad boy too.

PS – I wonder if this leg only works until like June and then breaks for the rest of the season.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

#MailTime: Gym Class Heroes

The good (Matball, Steal the Bacon, Dodgeball), the bad (running the mile, the Presidential Fitness Test) and the ugly (fucking square dancing)

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Incredibly nostalgic episode here for you guys all about the days of gym class. The good (Matball, Steal the Bacon, Dodgeball), the bad (running the mile, the Presidential Fitness Test) and the ugly (fucking square dancing) Me and all the Stoolies have been reminiscing about gym class games all morning – it seems to be a real hot topic amongst everyone so I’m sure everybody has their own memories. All I know is that there were times when Gym Class was absolutely my favorite thing in life, and times when it was actually my nightmare. Like I would have nightmares the night before the mile. The anxiety leading up to that torcher was absolutely brutal. But pickleball and dodgeball and whipping around the gym on these motherfuckers:

Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 10.23.19 AM

 

More than made up for it. It was either the best of times, or the worst of times. And even though I’m a SkinnyFat blogger now I miss those days like a bitch.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

The Secret Service Once Warned Mr. Met With A “Kill Shot” For Going Near Bill Clinton

Imagine if Mr. Met assassinated the President of the United States?

Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 11.37.34 AM

NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — It’s common knowledge: the President of the United States is surrounded 24-7 by Secret Service agents, both seen and unseen. They’re going to do what they have to do to protect the leader of the free world. Approach the POTUS at your own risk — even if you’re a professional sports mascot, with your giant mitts and huge noggin. A.J. Mass, who suited up as the New York Mets’ mascot from 1994-97, said in his new book that he was warned in no uncertain terms about advancing toward President Bill Clinton, who was at Shea Stadium in April 1997 for the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking MLB’s color barrier. “Now listen to me very carefully. … We have snipers all around the stadium, just in case something were to happen,” a Secret Service agent told Mass, according to a book excerpt making the rounds. “Like I said, do whatever it is you normally do. Nobody will bother you. But approach the president, and we go for the kill shot. Are we clear?” The former Mr. Met wrote that it felt like the agent wasn’t “only looking into my eyes, but also into my very soul with his blank, unblinking stare.” Then another warning, for good measure. “Approach the president, and we go for the kill shot,” the agent told Mass. “ARE–WE–CLEAR?” We’re clear. Mass’ memoir, “Yes, It’s Hot in Here: Adventures in the Weird, Woolly World of Sports Mascots,” is on sale now.

Could you imagine if Mr. Met assassinated the President of the United States? One minute Slick Willie and him are smiling for a picture and the next minute Mr. Met detonates his giant head filled with plastic explosives and kills everyone standing on the diamond. Its an entirely plausible plot. Mr. Met – finally fed up with decades of futility and heartbreak and being a mute – decides to commit murder/suicide while taking out the most powerful man on the planet earth. I mean its not a coincidence the Secret Service warned him with a Kill Shot. These guys evaluate every level of potential risk and clearly Mr. Met’s pathetic ass was worthy of a sniper following everywhere he went.

Can you imagine how they would have treated the Phillie Phanatic? I mean if Mr. Met was a threat I can’t even imagine what the ultimate Philadelphia fan is considered. The chances he would puke on the President or shoot him with a flare gun or stab him with a knife have gotta be through the roof. Would probably just green light that Kill Shot the minute they saw that scumbag step on to the field.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Simon And Garfunkle From Last Night’s Yankee Game Are NOT Happy With Me

Things escalated quickly

garfunkel

 

So I’m watching the game last night and after a strike out, they show a replay that includes these 2 guys looking like the last 30 seconds of a casting couch video. So I have 2 choices here, carry on living my life cause it could happen to anyone, or tweet it quickly and be a dick. And boy did things escalate quickly

So it starts with a simple tweet:

gar

 

I get a retweet here and a favorite there and figure everything is cool. Until I wake up and find out somebody is pissed.

1

2

 

Now I totally get it, I would probably be unhappy too, but I also realize the best thing to do would be to just let it go. I mean if you ignore it, that tweet just fades away into the internet, never to be heard from again. Or, when you don’t get a response at 3am on Twitter, you could rattle off a bunch of Malibu’s Most Wanted, themed tweets. Decisions, decisions…

paid

 

geek

 

Clearly pissed off, and I could tell by the Blank Check and Geek comments, which is up there with Melo and “Glazed donut face.”, I tried to address the situation.

morning

Well I guess the joke’s on me. So here’s my apology. I should not have called you Turtle Neck and Garfunkel.

empire

I should have called you Empire Records and Garfunkel. Or just Simon and Garfunkel cause thats what you guys looked like.

s&G

 

Mr. Macintosh out.

KFC Editor’s Note: “Computer Geek Looking Like The Kid From Blank Check No Ass Getting” is straight up fatality shit. JJ’s 100% right its like Glazed Donut Face Ass. Sometimes you just gotta know when you’re beat. Throw an “smh” out there and try again another day.

By jj posted April 17th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Smallest Penis Pageant In Brooklyn Is Back

Its that time of year again, folks!

Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 8.11.11 AM Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 8.11.20 AM

Huff PoIt’s time, once again, to make the little things count. The “Smallest Penis Contest,” a nutty competition which debuted last year, will return to Brooklyn’s Kings County Bar on June 14. Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, including “poise in both evening wear and bathing wear.” In addition to a cash prize (which can optionally be donated to charity), a “wee crown and scepter” will be awarded to the less-endowed man best exhibiting “extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa.” In an interview with The Huffington Post, last year’s winner, Nicholas Gilronan, described the competition as “laid back, fun, casual,” comparing it to just another “fun time on a Saturday afternoon.”

Its that time of year again, folks! The Smallest Cock Contest is back! Its an annual tradition over in Brooklyn. Buncha dudes get together at the bar for a reverse dick measuring contest. Every year I just crack jokes about Asians and make fun of the weirdos who show up to be spectators at that bar, but not this year. No sir. This year I’m a promoter. This year I’m a recruiter. A scout. And I’ve got the next Small Dick Champion.

The Rangers fan from this year’s Winter Classic:

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This guy has Tiny Dick Champ written ALL OVER his blacked out face. I feel like Jimmy Dolan when he discovered Saleh in Africa in the Air Up There. This dude could rattle off a Tiny Dick Dynasty. This is your time to shine, bro. This is your calling. You’ve already put that puny pecker on display, might as well do it again and win a couple hundred bucks or somethin.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 10:20 AM

Chinese Blogger Sentenced To Prison For Spreading Internet Rumors

Pres would be serving consecutive life sentences

Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 8.51.33 AM

BEIJING (AFP) - A Chinese court jailed a blogger for three years on Thursday, state media reported, the first person to be sentenced in a government-led crackdown on so-called Internet rumours. Qin Zhihui – among hundreds of bloggers reportedly detained in an official campaign to assert greater control over China’s popular social media – was found guilty of “slander” and “picking quarrels and provoking troubles”, state broadcaster CCTV said. China has said the rumour crackdown launched last year is aimed at maintaining social order, but rights groups have accused Beijing of limiting freedom of speech online to protect the ruling Communist Party. Prosecutors at a Beijing district court said Qin had “impacted society and seriously harmed social order” by posting a series of inaccurate reports on Sina Weibo, a Chinese equivalent of Twitter, the official Xinhua news agency said.

China. The most backwards fucking place in the world. Where they put bloggers in jail for rumors but if you have a daughter you’re allowed to leave her on a mountainside to starve to death. Makes sense. Hey you wanna film videos of girls stepping on bunny rabbits and crushing gerbils and shit, go for it! But don’t you dare pick a quarrel on the internet!

Can you imagine if these were the rules over here? Pres would be doing 25 to Life. He might have gotten a life sentence for this right here:

vickyo

 

Sprinkle in a little Edgartown Sharks and China probably would have given him the chair. God Bless America, I suppose. Where bloggers can do whatever they want with zero repercussion.

By KFC posted April 17th, 2014 at 9:30 AM
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