Guess That Ass

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By KFC posted March 4th, 2015 at 1:40 PM

Chicks With Big Asses Give Birth To Smarter Kids

Science Times – According to a 2010 study from the University of Oxford, big butts result in healthy children because of the high amount of Omega 3 fatty acids (the good fatty acids) stored. These are the same fatty acids that are responsible for the normal development of the baby’s brain. But according to the Chicago Tribune, scientists have proved this a long time ago, in 2007 to be precise. They noted that women with fat-bottoms are smarter than women with flat-bottoms. Again, the reason is because of the heightened storage of Omega 3 fatty acids, which improves the functionality/development of their brain. Evidence shows that the fat content in a mother’s breast milk comes from her lower half of the body, which includes her thighs, buttocks, etc. This means that the high amount of Omega 3′s becomes a part of the baby’s balanced breakfast. The high amount of Omega 3 storage could be the reason why fat-bottomed women seem attractive to men, because it becomes an evolutionary way of ensuring successful children. In the words of a common man; the reason why J. Lo seems so hot to men, is because men have a biological imperative to produce intelligent offspring.

You hear that, girls? Fat bottoms = smart, pancake ass = dumb. And not just you but your kids too. Thats science talking. Go ahead, take a look at your ass in the mirror. Does it look like this:

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Then you’re smart. If it looks like this:

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Then you’re stupid. Not only that but the milk in your titties is basically just Stupid Juice. Might as well just let your newborn drink beer because your milk aint got no Omega 3s and its making your kid stupider with every sip. Fat assed chicks got that magic potion milk up in their titties that basically turns your kid into Albert Einstein. Jen Selter and all these Instagram hoes should sell their breast milk to white mothers everywhere with no ass.

And I love this article that says men are instinctual attracted to women with asses because of the Omega 3 fatty acids. Bro I’m attracted to that fatty because of the way it giggles when I smack it or when its bouncing off of me. I’m attracted to that ass because I’ve seen a zillion pornos where chicks take their shorts half way off and then pull up and down on the sides to make their cheeks bounce. I dont care if its Omega 3s or 4s or 5s or 6 up in there, I’m attracted to it because I want handfuls of ass. I dont care how smart or dumb my kids are.

Now lets look at this gallery of fat asses and all get a little bit harder I mean smarter.

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By KFC posted March 4th, 2015 at 12:50 PM

More New Yorkers Are Going To Therapy Because Of The Cold Winter

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NY Post – It’s been so cold out there for so long that more New Yorkers are hitting the couch — in their shrinks’ offices. “It’s like the never-ending winter,” Laura Young, a Midtown therapist, lamented to The Post on Tuesday. “People are definitely having a lot of feelings about the long winter,’’ she said. “They are just down, feeling lethargic. It’s hard for them to get motivated. They’re more disappointed by things, and it’s hard to get out of the house. “People really seem to think that this year is particularly bad,” Young went on. “People definitely have this idea that the winter is never going to end. “I try to tell people that days are getting longer. I try to be positive. I don’t want to dismiss their feelings.” A worker at the high-end gadget store Hammacher Schlemmer on East 57th Street said his shop recently sold out of its $99.95 “light therapy lamp” — for the second time this winter. He said sales had tripled in the past week alone. “Lots of people have been coming in and asking about it,” he said. Karen John, a 40-year-old health-care manager at NYU Langone Medical Center, said all the white stuff has definitely increased the blues among the hospital’s patients and her co-workers. “I’m sick of the snow! We’ve had enough this year,’’ John, of Westchester, said while waiting for a train at Grand Central Terminal. “I thought it was supposed to rain today. I was surprised when I came back from lunch. “There was basically a blizzard.”

Listen I know this is easy for me to say sitting atop my ivory couch all winter, but you are a fucking pussy if you go to therapy because of the cold. I know this winter has been awful. It is truly genuinely depressing. But that doesnt mean you gotta go sit on a couch and pay hundreds of dollars an hour to talk about it. I mean how do those sessions go? “Well doc, the weather says its gonna snow again tomorrow, and I really just dont like the snow and the cold and it makes me really sad.” “I know, I hate it too. But eventually the earth’s axis will tilt toward the sun and the weather will get better because thats fucking science and it always happens every year.” End of therapy.

I mean if people from Boston were doing this it would be more understandable since they are literally buried in snow. Like trapped in their own home claustrophobia shit. Anarchy in the streets. But New York really doesnt have an excuse. Dont make us look like pussies. Newsflash – Winter is cold. The city sucks when it snows. Eventually the spring and summer will come. You dont need to go pay a therapist because you’re not getting enough Vitamin D or some shit. Sack up.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to order Seamless for lunch and go on another 72 hour indoor binge because I’m a blogger and winter doesnt effect me.

By KFC posted March 4th, 2015 at 12:00 PM

More Subway Series Tailgate Tickets Just Went On Sale

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If you didn’t hear, we are hosting a tailgate with TickPick on 4/25 at Yankee Stadium for the Saturday subway series game between the Yankees and Mets. This is going to be a blast with 4 hours of unlimited beer and food, with drinking games and music from 12-4. You can get either a full tailgate package with a ticket to the game or if you already have tickets or want to get your own in a different section, you can get just get in on the pregame party. At these prices, this is the best way to spend a spring day as a Yankee fan and with the Mets taking the trip to The Bronx, it’s a great day for any baseball fans in New York.

But heres the thing, some of you dragged your feet and we sold out 300 tickets in just over 24 hours. Rather than have Stoolies miss out, we got 200 more tickets and more tailgate space last night. Those just went on sale this morning. Once these go, I can’t promise that we will be able to get more so just go ahead and buy your tickets today to save yourself the headache of missing out on a huge event.

After these last 200 game tickets are gone, you can still get in on the tailgate. But if you want to sit with the other Stoolies for the game, get involved now.

Click Here To Buy Your Tickets

Ticket+Tailgate: $89
Tailgate Only: $69
Parking Pass: $40
Menu Includes: Baked Ziti, Pork Mac & Cheese, Brunswick Chili, BBQ Pulled Pork, BBQ Grilled Chicken, Ribs On The Bone, Jumbo All Beef Frankfurters, All Beef Hamburgers, Turkey Burgers, Garden Salad, Cole Slaw, Potato Salad, and Fruit Salad.

Click Here To Buy Your Tickets

For people asking, we will be in the Harlem River Lot and you can see where that is on this map.

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If you have questions feel free to tweet me and I’ll try to answer.


By jj posted March 4th, 2015 at 11:10 AM

Old Man Dies At His Desk At Work, Nobody Notices For 2 Days

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BBC – A tax office official in Finland who died at his desk was not found by his colleagues for two days. The man in his 60s died last Tuesday while checking tax returns, but no-one realised he was dead until Thursday. The head of personnel at the office in the Finnish capital, Helsinki, said the man’s closest colleagues had been out at meetings when he died. He said everyone at the tax office was feeling dreadful – and procedures would have to be reviewed. An anonymous government official told BBC News Online the man had been working in his own office with the door closed. ”People thought he wanted to work in peace and no-one disturbed him,” the official said. He was found only when a friend called to have lunch with him. According to the Finnish tabloid newspaper Ilta-Sanomat on Monday, co-workers had assumed the dead man – a tax auditor – was silently poring over returns. ”The reason for this was caused by many coincidences,” Anita Wickstroem, director at the Helsinki tax office, told AFP news agency. ”He was very much working alone and often visiting companies, while his friends and colleagues who used to have lunch or coffee with him were busy in meetings or outside the office at the time,” she added. There were about 100 other staff in the auditing department on the same floor the dead tax official worked on. 

Here’s what I want every cube monkey to do right now: print this story out, and pin it up on your cubicle wall. Right behind your computer monitor. So that you always have a reminder of what not to become. This is it for Cube Monkey. This is the nightmare scenario. This is what happens when you let The Man win. You die at your desk and you are so insignificant, and have so few people in your life that your corpse sits there for 2  straight days. Theres not a single person in your personal life that notices you’re gone. Your job is so pointless and meaningless that nobody even notices it hasnt been done for days on end. You have so little contact with anyone from the outside world you die and nobody even knows it.

This is what you get for like 3 decades of loyal service in your cage. You come in early, stay late. Never take vacation, never mail it in. And then you know what happens? You actually become part of the cube. Your body fuses with the walls and you actually turn into part of the cubicle. Like the Borg in Star Trek. You’re actual wallpaper, and nobody even notices you, dead or alive, because you blend in with the walls of work.  Thats as depressing a thought as I can possibly conjure.

So remember the tale of the Finnish tax man who died on a Tuesday and nobody knew till a Thursday. Dont become that guy. Blow off work once in a while. Snake it as much as you can. Set the bar as low as possible. Because if you work as hard as you can this is your reward.

By KFC posted March 4th, 2015 at 10:20 AM

Daniel Murphy Says He 100% Disagrees With Gay Lifestyle

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NJ – Sandy Alderson sat in the Mets dugout at Tradition Field, his voice underlined by a mix of anger and regret. He is usually even-keeled — at times stoic — in his public message. But this memory gave him fire. He remembered Glenn Burke, the first major league baseball to disclose that he was gay. He bemoaned how his life ended. Burke had lived on the streets of San Francisco while Alderson ran the Oakland A’s. The organization tried to offer him help, at the urging of a co-worker, but it was not enough. He died,according to media reports, of AIDS the next year. ”That can’t happen,” Alderson said. “Never should have happened. It can’t happen again.” The dissatisfaction lingers as Alderson tries to prevent the scenario from playing out again. He offered it on the day the Mets welcomed Billy Bean, Major League Baseball’s inclusion ambassador and the second major league player to announce he was gay after the end of a six-year career, into their spring training camp. The idea germinated in November after Bean addressed all 30 general managers. Alderson, he said, was the first one to approach him. The Mets general manager discussed the idea of having Bean play in spring training games but the former player was reticent. Murphy, a devout Christian, said he would embrace Bean despite a divergence in their beliefs. “I disagree with his lifestyle,” Murphy said. “I do disagree with the fact that Billy is a homosexual. That doesn’t mean I can’t still invest in him and get to know him. I don’t think the fact that someone is a homosexual should completely shut the door on investing in them in a relational aspect. Getting to know him. That, I would say, you can still accept them but I do disagree with the lifestyle, 100 percent.”

Alright first thing’s first lets just clear up that we’re not talking about Billy Beane the A’s GM. That dude isnt gay. I’m pretty sure a lot of people think thats who he’s talking about.

Secondly, Christ almighty Daniel. Just shut your mouth! Why people feel the need to speak their minds about this stuff is beyond me. Why the fuck would you say these things?? I’m not even going to get into the morality of it. He sounds like an old fashioned close minded Bible thumping idiot. He sounds ignorant as fuck calling it a lifestyle. But lets put all that aside though, because I’m sure there are a TON of athletes that agree with what he said. My problem here is what good can come from it? Its 2015 Daniel. It case you havent noticed, the Gays won this battle. They aint going anywhere. Its not like a Daniel Murphy quote voicing his displeasure with the gay community is going to stop homosexuality and make Jesus and all the Christians out there happy. All this does is create an enormous headache and distraction for you and your team. Spring Training reporters from New York newspapers are starving for story lines and he just gave them one to talk about from now till Opening Day. Just such an unnecessary, completely avoidable situation.

And spare me the nonsense about “You gotta respect him for being honest.” Um, no you don’t. You lie in these situations 100% of the time. Always, always, always lie. Lying is what adults to because they understand their personal beliefs need to be set aside for professional reasons. Children say whatever they want whenever they want because thats what they believe and thats all that matters. You lie to your boss you lie to your wife you lie to your coworkers. You lie to anybody and everybody who will be problematic if you tell the truth. Thats life, idiots. Nobody cares about Daniel Murphy’s personal beliefs except people trying to sell newspapers and internet trolls who love fake outrage. Give those guys zero material, stay under the radar, and go bat .350. Emphasis on that batting .350 part because as soon as you do that nobody will care what you think about the gays.

By KFC posted March 4th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

Wake Up With Louise Cliff

 

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By feitelberg posted March 4th, 2015 at 9:00 AM

Barstool NYC Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Shannon

introducing shannon from university of tampa by way of ny

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By t bone posted March 3rd, 2015 at 5:30 PM
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