Barstool Sports

We’ve taken you into the weekend with GTA compilations. We’ve taken you into the weekend with the best Smokes of the Week.

Now its time to bring in the professionals. Wake Ups of the Week kicks your weekend off right. Make sure you make it to the 52 second mark.

Enjoy the weekend, skunks!

With just about 1,500 votes and a score of 4.60, Mermaid Amber retains her crown! Candice definitely gave her a run for her money though. Close match all the way through, but you guys just don’t want to quit the mermaid ass. Hey I’m with you. It’s tough to give up something that beautiful. So congrats to Amber, still the champion.

PS – I want to die and be reincarnated as that orange g-string.

It’s a lot of work weeding through the hate, whining, complaining, nit picking, outlandish demands, spelling errors, reading comprehension issues and nonsensical logic in the comment sections. But every once in a while you guys are funny. I mean it would be crazy to demand that everything you write is something I find hysterical and bitch and moan when it’s not. So I’m only gonna point out the best in you guys. Because you deserve it.

Handicapped Kids At Disney World

Commenter: jimmy franchise - i dont see what the big deal is. fred wilpon buys retarded kids every off season. this isnt some new fad Kevin.

It’s funny because the Mets are a terrible franchise. Also, retarded kids aren’t good at baseball.

Chrissy Teigen vs. Feminists 

Commenter: DoyleBrunsonsSaggySack – Chrissy “believes in shame and having shame and being shamed” Chrissy…have sex with me. It’ll be about the most shameful thing you ever do.

Can’t argue with that logic. Although if she had sex with a Barstool commenter I’m sure shame would just be the beginning and suicide would inevitably occur.

GTA Of The Week

Commenter: happyhustle – i’d swim with the mermaid all day, so long as i can use her asshole as an air tank

Coming up with new ways to say that you want to suck farts out of a chick’s butt really never gets old. And this one got me because I had the visual of some dude swimming around underwater with his face shoved up an ass. That made me laugh. It’s like an aquatic human centipede.

Scented Underwear For Men

Commenter: cantgetthestinkout - Truth. My asshole situation is an absolute horror show. I have what I like to refer to as a ‘reversed oreo’. Basically, I have a bare white ass, and a very dense patch of hair in my crack and around my asshole. As a result, I can wipe my ass at any time and the toilet paper will come up at least a little bit shitty. Even if I haven’t taken a shit since the last time I showered. It’s horrible.

This is disgusting, way too descriptive, and hilarious. Bottom line is that poop is funny. Always has been, always will be. And I think every one of us understands the awful discomfort of a shitty asshole. Like I’m laughing at you bro, but there’s a little sympathy in there.

Bacon Infused Hot Dogs

Commenter: little birdie –  I’m so fucked in the head that even though this blog has nothing to do with naked women, all I can think about is that the ends of oscar mayer hotdogs look like a pretty well kept butthole on a girl.

That’s EXACTLY what it looks like. Balloon knots, too.

Guy Trying To Kick Soccer Ball From Seattle To Brazil Dies

Commenter: granitestatedestroyer - He flopped.

Sometimes it pays to be simple. Dead guy + all soccer players are pussies = funny.

Guy Cuts Of His Dick And Flushes It Down The Toilet

Commenter: Boo Radley – We can rest assured it didn’t clog the toilet

You know why this one made me laugh? First, because little Asian dick jokes are always great. But second, because the image popped into my head of his girlfriend standing over the toilet with a plunger trying to get the dick to go down the pipes. Sweat dripping, she’s cursing, just hammering away at the toilet clogged with a severed penis. Maybe I’m weird but that’s funny to me.

NEW YORK — In one photo, a woman is on all fours, presumably picking something up, her posterior pressed against a glass window. Another photo shows a couple in bathrobes, their feet touching beneath a table. And there is one of a man, in jeans and a T-shirt, lying on his side as he takes a nap. In all the photos, taken by New York City artist Arne Svenson from his second-floor apartment, the faces are obscured or not shown. The people are unidentifiable. But the residents of a glass-walled luxury residential building across the street had no idea they were being photographed and they never consented to being subjects for the works of art that are now on display — and for sale — in a Manhattan gallery.

Thank god I don’t live in this guy’s neighborhood. If someone was taking pictures of me in my apartment throughout the day, it’d be ugly. Real ugly. Just sitting around unshaven in my boxers, drinking milk from the carton, masturbating, talking to myself, masturbating. My work day is fucking despicable. On the other hand, if someone was to document it I’m sure the photos would be a huge seller. It’d be like that scene in Seinfeld where the two art collectors are looking at Kramer’s portrait. He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can’t look away. 

PS – How big of scammers are photographers? Take a picture of anything and call it art. Yeah bro I got a camera phone too. I took a picture of a homeless guy passed out under a parked car the other night. Give me $10,000 for it.

(CBS13) — A Sacramento surgeon has been reprimanded by the state medical board for suggesting a patient try oral sex to improve her gag reflex. The unnamed patient was hesitant to undergo an upper-gastrointestinal endoscopy. The procedure would require a scope going from someone’s mouth into their intestinal tract. She told Sacramento Dr. J. Peter Zegarra that she “gags at the dentist” and didn’t want the procedure. That’s when the doctor suggested in front of her husband, “She should be practicing twice a week on her husband by giving him (oral sex) to address her gagging reflex.”“This constituted unprofessional conduct, and so this is a message that this probably wasn’t appropriate,” said Cassandra Hockenson, with the California Medical Board. “A more appropriate response should have come with regards to dealing with her gag reflex issues.” Even if it was a playful suggestion, the medical board says that’s no defense.

How is this a bad thing? Why is this doctor getting in trouble? All I see is a medical professional who suggested a solution that helps this woman’s gag reflex AND strengthens her marriage. Helps her physically and emotionally. Husband is gonna be skipping around the house smiling all day, taking care of the chores and surprising her with flowers and shit. Wife is gonna be happier because her husband is more loving and caring than ever. Oh and that whole gag reflex problem that started this? With enough practice that’ll get fixed too. Everybody wins. So don’t reprimand this doctor, give him a fucking hug. He just improved your life exponentially.

Make a note of it, ladies. Sucking dick makes everything better.

h/t Shane

Gothamist – Do you sometimes feel a burst of machismo around wienerschnitzel? Do you find yourself savoring an unusual attraction to very long cars? Do you think your micro penis is the itsy-bitsyest in all of Brooklyn? Then Kings County Bar wants you to sign up for their first annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant! It’s the ultimate wet t-shirt contest for infinitesimal penises. ”The Contest” will be held on Saturday, July 20th starting at 5 p.m. at the bar, located at 286 Siegel Street near the Morgan Avenue L train. The event is open to anyone 21 and over; photo and video submissions will not be accepted, no matter how much you want to send them. Oddly, you don’t have to worry about being completely nude, even if you are totally proud of your lilliputian penis: “While nudity is not required, contestants should expect to wear wet underwear (which will be provided).” Which is at least a little bit of a step up from Howard Stern’s small penis contest. But what about shrinkage?

You know who are the sickest bastards in the whole world? Anyone who shows up to Kings County Bar that night. Like I can kind of understand being a contestant. If you’re gonna have an outrageously small cock, you might as well own it. Be known as THE guy with THE smallest dick. It’s like “go big or go home” but the exact opposite. Be the dude with the smallest dick in the city, win some money, win the contest. If you’re gonna have a baby carrot for a dick you might as well put it to work for you.

But who are the spectators showing up for small cock night at the bar? Like “yea man lets hit up Kings County tonight, it’s 2 for 1 Bud Lights and also there’s a bunch of dudes with small peckers in soaking wet underwear!” I mean obviously no dude is gonna like that. No chick is gonna wanna go to a mini sausage fear. I guess you’re only demographic are the Asians. Set up a karaoke machine that same night as the small cock contest and you’ll have one hell of an Asian bash on your hands.

TMZ – New York Jets running back Michael Goodson was arrested in Jersey early this morning after cops say the 25-year-old was in possession of weed and a loaded hand gun. According to cops, Goodson — who was signed by the Jets during the off-season to compete for the starting RB job — was a passenger in an SUV that was parked along Route 80 in Denville, NJ. Cops say both Goodson and the driver of the vehicle appeared WASTED. During the encounter, cops say Goodson was found to be in possession of weed (less than 50 grams) — PLUS a loaded .45 caliber and hollow-point bullets. Cops say Goodson was so intoxicated that he was transported to a local hospital for treatment. The driver of the SUV has been charged with DUI.

Hey Mike do me a favor and put one of those hollow points right into my fucking skull because I’d rather be dead than root for this football team.

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Alright so last week I said anyone who finished ahead of me would get $1,000 cash from me. Thats how confident I was in my team. I figured there was no way I finished any lower than 2nd place.

I came in 245th. So that means I owe Stoolies $244,000. This week we’re going double or nothing. Meaning if I come in 244th or better, we’re even. If I come in 245th or worse, add it to my tab. This week I also just scrolled through available players and randomly picked them and did minimal juggling to fit salary wise. So its completely arbitrary this week.

I’m about to collect all my Internet Dollars back.

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