Snow Days As A Child vs. Snow Day In College vs. Snow Day In The Real World, Who Ya Got?

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I say this without an ounce of exaggeration – the Snow Day is one of the greatest things that can possibly happen to you. Up until you have children, when Snow Days actually become the worst thing imaginable, the Snow Day could very well bring more joy to the world than anything. No matter how old you are, getting the notice that you no longer had to go to school or work is a feeling completely unparalleled. The question is, at what age is the snow day the best?

There are 3 different stages in life where the Snow Day reigns supreme.

Stage 1 – Snow Day As A Child – I’m talking elementary school. 4th grade. School is cancelled which means you get to sleep in, watch Price is Right, put on all your snow gear, and spend all day sledding, having snowball fights, making snowmen and snow angels, building forts and drinking hot chocolate. When I was in elementary school we had the phone chain to inform everyone school was canceled. Remember that? Old school shit where all the parents would call the next house to inform them of the news. The moment you heard that phone ring at like 6:30 in the morning you knew what it meant. Your hear your mom say “Ok thank you I’ll call the next house” and the only question that remained was “is it a 2 hour delay or a snow day?” And the minute you hear Snow Day, its like an impromptu Christmas. Doesnt matter that you didnt do your home work. That test you were worried about is now none of your concern. Its pure bliss as you know you’re playing in the snow the rest of the day.

Stage 2 – Snow Day In College – Snow Days in college just up the ante. You decide you’re gonna take things to the next level for no apparent reason other than snow is falling from the sky and a couple classes were cancelled. You watch some Price Is Right, go on an outrageous beer run, buying like 5 times too much booze. You’ve got kegs out in the cold, 30 pack worth of cans buried in a snow bank. Every girl is looking to get cozy with somebody. Forget about a snowman, you just wanna get blown, man. Its drinking games and cabin fever, or you’re snowed in at a local bar. Either way the booze is flowing and everyone is looking to get fucked. Nature’s greatest aphrodisiac is snow. Gets the pussy wet, the dick hard, and cranks the party up about 40 notches.

Stage 3 – Snow Day In Real Life – You’re a Cube Monkey. Your life is pretty much 7am to 7pm, commuting, working, commuting. Gone are the days of 2 classes at 11:15 and 2:45 and then a nap and some casual sex. Hangovers hurt ten times more particularly because you’re waking up about 3 hours earlier than usual. The only holidays you get are the federal ones which seem to be months and months a part. And then something magical happens. You get hit with a blizzard and you get that email from work that everyone is “working from home,” or even better, the office is closed. This is particularly clutch, because you undoubtedly spent the previous night drinking heavily and WAY later into the night than usual because you were absolutely banking on work being cancelled. You thank Jesus the Snow Day actually came through, sleep a couple extra hours to let your hangover wear off, watch a little Price is Right. Fire up some internet porn and masturbate (you too, ladies) And then you’re on a Netflix binge full speed ahead. Probably drinking bottles of red wine or some sort of classier beer. If you’re just out of college, you maybe head to a local bar where you allow yourself to be snowed in all day. Beer, shots, wings, the whole nine, everyone meets up. If you’re like 26+, the thought of moving off the couch is not even a remote possibility. Pure happiness not having to do the commute from Hell and not spending 8 hours with people you hate.

So the question is, which is it? You can make a great argument for all 3. Any answer you come up with here is completely acceptable in my mind. A rare situation where I dont think there is a right answer. I will order them from most happy to least happy, because they are all just pure joy:

3. College Snow Day – Yes, like I said, it ups the ante and you party harder than usual. Yes, the chick you have been trying to fuck is much more open to the thought of getting warm with someone in bed. Yes, not having to deal with classes is amazing. But this is college. You can cut class and get fucked up and bang people left and right no matter what the weather is. The college Snow Day enhances the awesomeness, it doesnt create it.

2. Work Snow Day – Work is the most soul draining experience in the Universe. Getting out of work is like getting a stay of execution. You get to live. For a brief period of 24-36 hours, you are a real human again. Not a monkey trapped in a cage. The constant thought of “Right now I’d be…” and filling it in with some miserable aspect of work brings a smile to your face all day long. You’d ordinarily be depressed at work and instead you’re happy as can be.

1. Elementary School Snow Day – Its when life was simpler. More pure. More innocent. You havent experienced the terror of work yet. You dont even know what being drunk is. You’re not completely preoccupied with trying to burying your dick inside of a girl. So in your life, there’s only one terrible thing, and thats school. Teachers, books, projects, math, all that shit is the Devil. And because you’re so young and pure sledding down a hill and sitting inside an igloo are quite literally the best things life has to offer. You completely erase one and gain all joy of the other all thanks to mother nature and the blizzard falling from above. The GOAT in my mind. Never experience joy like a Snow Day as a kid.

By KFC posted January 26th, 2015 at 2:41 PM

Time Square Winnie The Pooh Arrested For Stabbing A Dude To Death

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Gothamist - A man who may wear a Winnie The Pooh costume in Times Square has been arrested for the fatal stabbing of a man at a Midtown deli last week. The suspect, whom the Post identified as Winnie impersonator ‘Arturo,’ was arrested around 2 p.m. Friday at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, and is expected to face murder charges. The incident happened around 9:30 p.m. on Tuesday. Victim Luis Martinez, 36, was allegedly stabbed by the suspect at the New Star Cafe, on 7th Avenue between 39th and 40th Streets. Martinez stumbled out of the diner and made it past a few storefronts on West 40th Street before collapsing in front of a Hale & Hearty Soup. He died of his wounds at Bellevue Hospital. A NYPD source told the Times that the two had gotten into an argument prior to the stabbing, and seemed to know each other: “As soon as he goes in he starts arguing with this individual that stabs him twice,” Robert Boyce, the chief of detectives, said. The Times spoke to another costumed character who gave some more information about the possible motive: “A man in Times Square dressed as Batman said on Friday that an Elmo had told him that the argument was over whose turn it was to buy beer.”

Well looks like the Time Square Starting Five just hit the lottery and landed the number 1 overall pick. Homicidal Winnie The Pooh is about to take this team to the next level. The current squad was: Anti-Semetic Elmo as team Captain and starting PG. Starting 2 guard is Spiderman who punched a 45 year old woman in the face. Super Mario who groped a 60 year old woman’s thigh is the 3. Starting at Power Forward is Cookie Monster, who might be the most despicable of them all. Assaulted a 2 year old child because the mother would not pay 2 dollars for a photo op. The latest member to join the team was Woody from Toy Story who sexually assaulted a bunch of chicks.  But Winnie The Pooh straight up murdering a dude is some major shit. Stabbing a dude to death is really a whole ‘nother gear of deviant.

Reminds me a lot of when the Spurs landed Tim Duncan with the number 1 pick. David Robinson was hurt and the Spurs just sucked for that year and landed a franchise changing player and immediately rose to the top of the league. Thats the kind of game changer Homicidal Winnie The Pooh is. Anti-Semetic Elmo has been the cornerstone of this squad for year now, but Pooh is taking over. None of this childish petty assault or sexual deviance. Pooh is flat out a murderer. Thats a new frontier for the Times Square Derelicts.

PS – When its your turn to get beer for a Times Square character, you fucking get the beer for him. Especially if its Winnie The Pooh. We already established that Pooh is nothing but a half naked hermaphrodite. Any dude who dresses up like him for a living is probably a murderer. Just get him his beer.

By KFC posted January 26th, 2015 at 1:50 PM

Guess That Ass

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By KFC posted January 26th, 2015 at 1:00 PM

Another Wade Boggs Drinking Urban Legend Surfaces

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Fan GraphsIn 2001, Rose was “all fired up” when he was claimed off waivers by the Devil Rays. “Not because I was going to Tampa,” explained Rose, “but because Wade Boggswas a coach there. He was my idol growing up.” Rose soon learned that Boggs could put away cold ones like nobody else. “I was sitting next to him on a plane and a flight attendant came by and gave him a case of beer,” said Rose. “He slid it under the seat and I was like, ‘What’s up with that? We only have an hour flight.’ He said, ‘That’s mine.’ “The whole flight, we were just shooting the shit, and he went one beer after the other. I said to him, ‘I’m impressed with the way you hit, but I’m more impressed right now.’ He goes, ‘Yeah, beer doesn’t affect me. I don’t get drunk unless I’ve had at least a case and a half.’ I don’t think he even went to the bathroom.”

Case of beer on an hour long flight. Infinitely more impressive than 64 on a cross country flight. At this point you could throw out Wade Boggs stories with any combination of beer and time and I’d believe it. As long as he’s on an airplane I’ll believe absolutely anything Wade Boggs did with beer. Airplanes to Wade Boggs is like the yellow sun to Superman. Its like the source of all his power. Sit him down on a 747 and he can drinking 200 beers on a shuttle from New York to Boston.

PS – The craziest part isnt that it takes a case and a half to get drunk, its that he doesnt even piss when he goes on these binges. Guy is like a fucking camel storing it in his humps or something.

By KFC posted January 26th, 2015 at 12:10 PM

Life Size Manute Bol Bobble Head Is Flat Out Awesome

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7 feet 7 inches of bobble head greatness. Just magnificent. If Skymall had a life size Manute Bol bobble head statue I’d buy it in a heartbeat. I’ve always been on the fence about the Yeti statue but Manute bobble would be an no brainer.

Manute Bol, God rest his soul, is one of those guys who is just an instablog. Anything remotely newsworthy about that guy and its going on the site. Because its just another opportunity for me to post Manutes greatest hits.

6 threes

This Picture of him swimming where he looks like something right out of a sci fi movie

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Manute Throwing haymakers on the court

Manute vs. Refrigerator Perry In Celebrity Boxing

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Picture with Mugsy Bogues

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The time he killed a lion with his bare hands

And of course, last but not least, his brief stint as a minor league hockey player

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The fact that theres no video of this on the internet anywhere is a crime. (Anywhere = youtube and first page of google results)

 

By KFC posted January 26th, 2015 at 11:17 AM

1st Lonnie Quinn Sleeves Update Of Winter Storm Juno – Threat Level: 3

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Folks we havent even started snowfall and Lonnie Quinn’s sleeves are just below the elbow. Do you know what that means? That means we’re FUCKED. Everyone in New York knows the true barometer for a storm’s potential is Lonnie’s sleeve level. Forget about radars and meteorology models and shit. Take one look at Lonnie’s sleeves and you know what you’re in store for.

So the fact that Sunday night at 11pm is a 3 quarter sleeve roll means we might all be dead by Wednesday. Those Teen Wolf arms out there for the cameras to see basically spells Armageddon. By Tuesday morning I expect Threat Level 5 – him in a guinea T with full arms exposed. Brace yourselves for 30 inches, folks. Lonnie’s sleeves say so.

By KFC posted January 26th, 2015 at 9:37 AM

Wake Up With Lisalla Montenegro

 

 

 

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By feitelberg posted January 26th, 2015 at 9:00 AM

CONFIRMED: Odell Beckham Jr. is Still Amazing at All Things Football

There are really no words to describe how unfathomably awesome this guy is at his job.

Yeah, it’s the Pro Bowl…

Yeah, he doesn’t even have pads or a helmet on…

Doesn’t change the fact that Odell can do things, in real-life, that I can’t even pull off in “NFL Blitz” for Nintendo 64.

Good God Almighty, this vine is flat-out hypnotizing….

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UPDATE: ODB is currently kicking 46 yard field goals that appear to have the distance for 50+ yards, and now I need an adult…

Odell out here re-defining the “Bend it like Beckham” game.

By worldwidewob posted January 25th, 2015 at 10:14 PM
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