You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.

Stumbled upon this from a Stoolie email. Not sure if its new or old but either way I don’t think we’ve ever done it on Barstool. $10 million for 10 years in a basement, minimal items/amenities can be brought. What are you bringing? Take some time to overlook the point totals, decide whether you want $10 mil/30 points, $5 mil/35 points or $0/40 points.

Its a harder question than you think. Lets start with the basics that we’re absolutely eliminating.

Automatic Elimination:

The Doctor. You know how many times I’ve been to the doctor for like a check up in the past 10 years? Like once. No chance a doctor is worth 2 points. Neither is some Mayo Clinic idiot for 3. Doctor is out. If I die, I die.

Satellite radio - Satellite radio completely sucks. Whether I’m trapped in a basement for 10 years or not, I ain’t listening to that shit.

Gun – I guess in case you wanna kill yourself? Or in the event you’re picking Barry Bonds to live with you, you need self defense? I dunno. I won’t need a gun to chill in a basement for 10 years.

Full model train set in a warehouse – Uhh. What? Train model set? To keep me busy or some shit? And let me guess you health freaks want the warehouse so you can run or something. Keep your eye on the prize you fucking assholes. Model train and warehouse is out of the question.

Get your money up front and you get access to the stock market – I have absolutely no idea how to make money in the stock market right now. If I did, I’d be investing. Now all the sudden I’m confined to a basement with minimal knowledge of whats gonna be going on in the world and I’m gonna be some sort of Warren Buffet? Fuck that. If I still knew how to calculate the net present value of 10 mil invested at a risk free rate for 10 years, I’d figure that out. But I don’t. So fuck that too. Either way, not worth 7 points.

Workshop/drawing table with tools – I ain’t Bob Vila or Picasso now. I won’t be in that basement either. Out.

HD Camera – No.

Ok. Those are the automatics outs I think. The rest are forms of food, technology, recreation, entertainment and life for the next 10 years. Lets start with basics.

I think I need the hygiene products and a jacuzzi for 3 points. Not being able to wash or brush my teeth for 10 years grosses me the fuck out and without a doctor I think I’d die of infection. As for food, I think I’m going with fast food. I certainly don’t need a gourmet chef.  And Microwave dinners suck. I think the fast food is the best in between. Its certainly gross as fuck to eat that for a decade. But we got bigger fish to fry.

We got 4+3 for a total of 7 so far. Lets get down to the entertainment aspects – 18 points for a stunning 18 year old to have sex with is a horrible use of points. Yea, fucking an 18 year old is awesome. You know whats not awesome? Living with a chick in a basement for 10 years. Its basically like “do you want a cranky kidnapped chick for 10 years in your basement?” For sure not. I mean, I can certainly see why some guys would pick that. Sex is sex. But for 18 points I don’t think I can do it.

Unlimited booze for 5 points is probably a hot pick for some. But not if I’m gonna be alone. Unlimited drugs for 5 points is a whole different story. I’d love a treasure chest of pills to fuck around with. So right now I’m basically at 3 points of soap and a hot tob, 4 points of unlimited fast food and 5 points of unlimited pain killers. Total of 12. This is where shit gets real difficult.

At first I thought the internet at 16 points was worth it. But then I realized you need a fucking computer to use the internet too. So add another 6 points. Thats 22 points. I’d already be over 30 with my Big Macs and Vicodin and shampoo. Library is probably your cheapest form of unlimited entertainment, but cmon. Get a computer (6) with movies and tv shows (4) and unlimited books for a total of 14. Leaves you 2 points to spare for a fucking skylight if you’re a pussy that needs sunlight or something. But that means no sports, no connection to the outside world. This question is fucking impossible.

I think at the end of the day I’m going hygiene (3) fast food (4) drugs (5) Dog (6) TV (7) Cell phone 1 day a week (3). I think I gotta hack off $5 mil for the extra 5 points because if my dog overdoses on Xanax or something I’m all alone. I could buy the gym for 5 and a garden for 7 more points, but A) who gives a fuck about the garden and B) only so many times you can shoot hoops or hit the cage by yourself. Ah fuck it – I’ll hack off $5 million for 35 points and spend my last 7 to take Barry Bonds with me. Take my chances with him. Hope he doesn’t kill me or my dog. Shoot the shit and watch sports with the greatest baseball player of all time high on drugs with my dog. Done.