The AtlanticBetween 2002 and 2010, 17,616 people went to the emergency room with zip-related genital injuries. And as the University of California, San Francisco team put it, “The penis was almost always the only genital organ involved.” (Which is good news for testicles everywhere.) Those roughly 2,000 injuries per year represent about one-fifth of annual penile injuries and “amongst adults, zips were the most frequent cause of penile injuries.” The authors conclude that the problem affects both adults and children and that “practitioners should be familiar with various zip-detachment strategies for these populations.”

I’m torn when I hear stories like this. On the one hand, tiny metal teeth of death right near your dick, you get a little shitfaced, you’re in a rush etc etc. –  I can see how you might get your dick caught. On the other hand though – how do you let yourself zip your dick off? First of all are you not wearing any sort of boxers? Commando with jeans? You deserve everything you get. Or can the zipper can rip right through the underwear into your cock? Is that possible? I just don’t understand how your dick and balls aren’t firmly set where they’re supposed to be before you zip up. Its like being half in and half out of a car and stepping on the gas. Gotta wait till you’re all tucked in first.

Regardless of how it does or does not happen, I’d still rather risk my dick’s life day in and day out than wear jeans with a button fly. I could straight up amputate my penis with a zipper fly and I’d still never convert to buttons. Just completely and utterly impractical. Especially at the bar when you’ve been drinking and you’re pissing every 10 minutes. Basically just begging to piss your pants in public.