Before we bury the 2012 season, let’s distribute some personal items to those closest to the victim. I guess we should start at the top.

Hank and Hal- A double sided dildo and directions to this black guy’s apartment from Requiem for a Dream

You two whores have done pretty much everything else for money, including jacking up playoff ticket prices at the cost of leaving the stadium half empty and causing a national embarrassment for a once proud sports venue. What’s a little ass to ass for a few more bucks gonna hurt?

Joba Chamberlain- Life Alert

You legitimately have the worst luck I’ve ever seen in a human being. I’ve never seen more bats find more bones. Midges? Really? Well, just in case you happen to come across a trampoline or God forbid an entire swing set in the offseason, I wan’t you to be prepared.

Curtis Granderson- White. I leave you white. You’re so close to being there already with how “articulate” you are in those post game interviews. The yes sir, no sir routine is a little played out though. Just join us already. Grab Ken Singleton on your way over to Olive Garden, kracka!

Raul Ibanez- Dragons. If you’re gonna look like him, you might as well reap the benefits.

Kuroda- A sincere apology. I didn’t think your NL West bullshit could translate to the AL East, but you proved me wrong time and time again. You were the most consistent and durable pitcher for the entire season, and whether you had fun doing it or if you were constantly looking over for shoulder, fearing the wrath of daddy Kuroda, you came to play every fifth day. Yankees aren’t even sniffing the playoffs it weren’t for you. Still ugly as fuck, but dammit if that 2 seamer wasn’t Maddux-like at times.

CC- A left foot. This one’s more preemptive than anything, but kinda like Joba, I’m just looking out. Years of plowing through Captain Crunch boxes every morning can not be good for the big guy’s heart and potential diabetes risk. Got a couple more years with you anchoring the staff- need that push off foot.

A Rod- Common sense. Or at least a good wink. Some way to get that girl’s attention other than a baseball. That’s grade school shit. Shocked the ball didn’t have Yes, No, Maybe boxes.

Some other items to be handed out before the close of the season. Invisalign for Hughes, relevance for Lowe, the list goes on. But at least now we can put a bow on a terrible underachievement of a season. God rest its soul.