Yankees vs. Red Sox has become a stale marriage between a husband and wife sitting silently opposite one another at the dinner table, sporadically looking up from their plates to make eye contact, only to force a fake smile amidst their chewing. There’s just zero excitement this year. Wife is chugging wine to forget her mundane life, while Mr. Ross and Frank argue the fundamental difference between roosters, chickens, and hens. It’s just stale. If it weren’t for Ichiro making his debut in pinstripes, there would be virtually no difference between the next three games against the Sox and the three games after that against the Orioles. Even if the Yankees get swept by the Sox, who are sitting comfortably at the bottom of the AL East, 10.5 games out of first, so what? I’ve been hesitant to bury that team all year, but for the first time in a long time, I don’t think they have that push in them. The clubhouse is all over the place, Bobby V has no control, and they’re sending Aaron Cook to the mound tonight. Aaron Cook.

Red Sox instilling a Minnesota Twins level of fear aside, let’s get excited for this Ichiro thing. I don’t even care if the guy gets 12 hits for the rest of the year. This is one of the biggest names in baseball putting on the greatest uniform the sports world has even seen. I wanna see the pinstripes blur into a solid block of navy blue as he goes first to third. I wanna see him merck motherfuckers trying to take the extra base on him. I wanna see him do that sleeve pull, arm point when he steps in the box and get the female fan base soggy. Should be interesting to hear Sterling’s first home run call for the wiry lefty. My money’s on Jon saying fuck it and just recycling Matsui’s call. Tweet the correct Ichiro home run call @StoolPizzaBoy with #SuzieQ before he hits one to win some cool shit. I don’t know what the prize is yet. Maybe I’ll give out KFC’s phone number or something.

P.S.- Can white people say “merck?” … Mo?