23. The Stumble Inn
22. 3 Sheets Saloon
21. Coyote Ugly
20. Brother Jimmy’s
19. The Ainsworth
18. The 13th Step
17. The Hudson Bar
16. Sutton Place
15. Bar None
14. The Gin mill
13. Gansevoort Park Ave Hotel
12. Ava Lounge
11. The Mean Fiddler
10. Professor Thom’s
9. Brass Monkey
8. Turtle Bay
7. The Gaslight
5. Tonic East
4. Wicked Willys
3. Johnny Utahs
2. Whiskey Blue
1. Joshua Tree
See here’s the problem with lists like this, and really just life in general – nobody really has an agreed upon definition of “douche.” What makes a bar “douchey?” Is it if frat bros go there? Is it if its an overpriced bougie spot? Euro trash goes there? Bitchy girls and investment bankers? There’s too much variance of douchey.
This list right here is just a smorgasbord of places that people generally hate for one reason or another. Doesn’t mean its necessarily “douchey.” Like take for example McFadden’s. Would I ever go to McFadden’s now? No chance. But when I was 18 years old, knew I could get in with a fake ID, and didn’t know anywhere else in Manhattan other than McFaddens because it was right next to Grand Central, it was perfect. $20 all you can drink on Friday nights for 2 hours was one of the best deals ever for a broke high school or college kid.
Turtle Bay was like the next step. Complete shitshow on the weekend that was just chock full of 21 year olds looking to fuck. Wicked Willys is a fuckin dump and a half but if you’re looking to play beer pong its perfect. Brother Jimmy’s, depending on what you’re looking for and which location you go to, can either just be a good spot to get some barbecue food or a place that you can automatically get laid in. These aren’t “douchey” bars in my mind. They definitely suck, but they all serve their purpose. Only a couple from this list actually make your stomach turn. Here’s my list of douchey bars:
6. Bounce Sporting Club, Flatiron
I’ve only been to Bounce a few times, and each time I’ve gone it has been a fucking blast. But that doesn’t mean its not douchey. It calls itself a “sports club” because there are TVs on the wall playing sports. The finance bros in capri pants and v necks buying bottles and shit would suggest otherwise. The Ferrari bro from this morning probably loves this joint. Again, I fucking loved it the few times I went. Chicks dancing on tables to awesome music and shit is A-OK in my book. But its expensive as fuck and the clientele there thinks they are WAY more important than they are
Another place that thinks that if they have TVs everywhere they are blue collar. I stumbled upon Ainsworth like 3 years ago when it had only been open for a few months. It was their first football season I think. Probably had the most fun I’ve ever had at a bar. There were PARADES of smokeshows coming in. Good food, got shitfaced all day. Standard, awesome time. Then all the sudden Ainsworrth decided they were gonna become exclusively some safe haven for people 25 and up. Gave people under 25 a hard time getting in. Prices went through the roof. Just a real fuckin cocky move. I remember I asked them about doing a Barstool party there because its a big open space and I’m not kidding they asked me for like 30 grand. I could probably rent out the Garden for the numbers they were throwing around.
4. Stone Street Tavern
Wall Street bros in their suits and gold digging broads looking to suck their dicks. Hey, if you’re a Wall Street bro, the bars down by Stone Street are probably the greatest place on earth. Outdoors, beers, sluts. But if you’re anybody else, place makes your skin crawl.
Dorrian’s is weird, because it actually has so much history. Real old spot that should have tons of character but it just absolutely doesn’t. You would think the “Preppie Killer” and those sordid details of that chick getting murdered by the psychopath would be enough to dissuade chicks from going there. For sure not. This place is the ultimate preppie, yuppie, bougie Ivy league bar in the world. Pretty sure dude’s still pop their collars there and girls only talk in “abbrevs.”
2. Tonic East
Tonic is that place where they’re like “Its 6 dollars for a beer and $42 for a bucket of 6.” What? Place is pitch black at all hours of the day and extremely overpriced. Need further proof that its the 2nd douchiest bar in the city? Its the official Penn State bar of New York City. Enough said.
1. 230 5th
230 5th should be awesome. Rooftop bar. Midtown Manhattan. Overlooking the Empire State Building. Sounds amazing on paper. But the place just makes my stomach turn. Sure, the food stinks and its overpriced – but a lot of bars are like that. But 230 5th is something special. Something magically douchey about that joint. It could be that people share fucking robes so that they can go out on the rooftop even when its cold out. That definitely pisses me off. Its winter, stay indoors. It could be that they serve “tea sandwiches.” I don’t know what the fuck that even means.
But I think they main thing is that 230 5th is just filled with people who are trying to be bougie. Like if you’re fancy and rich and you spend your nights at the Gansevoort or the W hotel or in the meatpacking at big time clubs, good for you. Not my scene, but sock it to em bro. But I feel like 230 5th is where all the people who wanna be that way go, even though they’re not.
But, bottom line is, I’ve been to every single bar on Complex Mag’s list and my own list. So, am I a douche? Yea, probably. I’m also just a dude who likes to go out to bars where they serve booze, play music, and have girls looking to hook up. Sometimes its a hell hole like Tin Lizzie where the toilet is filled with puke and they literally just give away beer. Other times it might be a hotel bar where I’m paying 9 bucks a beer. At the end of the day who really cares?
UPDATE: Completely forgot Sutton Place. Probably because its such a douchey spot I tried to black out every time I’ve ever been there.
Sutton Place is Turtle Bay meets 230 5th. Its the Perfect Storm of douche. You know how Bane and the League of Shadows wants to burn Gotham to the ground for its own good? Thats what I want to do with Sutton Place. The world would be a better place without it. The only thing that stops me is one time I went there after the St. Patricks Day parade with my buddy who’s father was a firefighter when we were like 17. So I was with a bunch of FDNY guys and they made the two hottest chicks ever make out in front of me. One of the best things I’ve ever seen. So, count your lucky stars, Sutton Place. The only thing preventing me from burning you to the ground is the fire department, both literally and figuratively.