Gothamist – It has been months since we first reported on the first annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn contest—since then the weather has changed, the days have gotten longer, and we’ve received more than enough emails from confused readers thinking they should send us photos of their tiny penises. Please stop doing that. Tomorrow is your day to shine. Organizers at Kings County Bar confirmed with us yesterday that this is really happening: “The contest is absolutely happening this Saturday. Time has been moved up slightly, so we are anticipating starting between 3-4pm (doors will open to the public at 2pm). There are currently 12 contestants.” Also, they expect a crowd, so get there early if you want to get a good view. Please be advised, the tiny penises may be covered by underwear, as nudity is not required. And don’t worry, the underwear will be made wet with water guns. There was no max size requirement for the contest, and our sources tell us probably half will be swiftly eliminated—so prepare to heckle the show-offs. When we spoke to one organizer, Aimee Arciuolo, in May, she told us: “I do expect there will be a few giant dicks that come to show off, but if they are over eight inches they will be disqualified and forced to buy a round for the judges.“ This will all go down at Kings County Bar tomorrow, Saturday July 20th, around 3 p.m. We’re dispatching a reporter and photographer for total coverage, so stay tuned for that on Sunday.
You know who might be the biggest asshole ever in the history of mankind? The dude with an 8 inch hog hanging between his legs who shows up to a Smallest Penis Contest. A whole bar filled with Brooklyn hipsters who have come to terms with their micropeen and some dickhead is just gonna show up to flaunt his hammerhead in everyone’s face. Deliberately crashing the puny pecker party to kick these guys when their already down and make himself feel even better about life. Thats fucking despicable. Its like the 4th grade bully on the playground pushing around the 2nd graders. Pick on someone your own size, you fucking tripod.
PS – You also wanna know who the biggest loser is at a Smallest Penis Contest? The dude who comes in 2nd place. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and you’ve still got an insanely small dick .