Huff PoThere’s no party like a Dungeons and Dragons party. But no groom-to-be worth his weight in geldings brings a male dungeon master to his bachelor party. An ad posted to Craigslist on Tuesday in Maryland seeks a topless female dungeon master – the player who essentially tells the story and acts as referee for a D&D game — for a bachelor party. Ladies, now’s your chance to show five guys that you’re more than just a level 1 half-elf cleric newbie. ”Looking for a woman with Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons to run a game,” the ad reads. “The event is for a bachelor party and the ‘future husband to be’ would prefer if the DM could be topless. With that said, I ensure you that nothing else is expect of you other than an exciting adventure.” Well, maybe there are a few expectations, at least according to the rules in the ad:

  • Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons (preferably in 3rd or 3.5 Editions)
  • Must be able to provide a picture including the face and body (No nudes please.)
  • It is preferable that cup size be at least C or greater.
  • If books are needed it must be stated ahead of time however it would be preferable if the DM had her own.

Dungeons and Dragons. The nerdiest of nerd. Now everyone here knows my background. I loved Magic: The Gathering. Loved comic books. Marvel Cards. The only reason I’ve had sex by now in my life is because I was also blessed with decent athletic ability as a kid and stunning good looks. If I was relying on the stuff I was actually interested in growing up, I’d still be a virgin.

Now all that being said, Dungeons and Dragons is above and beyond dorky. I never even considered doing that shit growing up. There are sci-fi twerps who dress up as characters for Star Wars movie premieres that wouldn’t even consider D&D. D&D fans show up to Comicon and they’re like “get the fuck out of here, losers!” People who watch the Big Bang Theory are tougher than Dungeons and Dragons fans. I’m not even quite sure how it works but all I know is you gotta pretend to be a wizard or an elf or some shit and you’re rolling 50-sided dice. Got someone called the Dungeon Master who can basically tell you to suck his dick if he wanted to. As a matter of fact, thats why these guys are probably running this Craigslist ad. They’re like “Frank can’t be Dungeon Master again or else he’s just gonna make all of us give him blow jobs. We need a chick this time.” Well good luck, fellas. I can’t knock you for having a nerdy bachelor party – my bachelor party will probably be a Magic tournament with old episodes of Star Trek playing. But expecting some hot topless chick to officiate this medieval fantasy circle jerk is straight up delusional. Not even that nerd whore Adrienne Curry would do this.