(AP) – Lori Anne Madison is blonde and adorable and talks at 100mph. In the last few weeks, she has won major awards in both swimming and math, but one accomplishment above all has made her an overnight national celebrity: This week, the precocious girl from Lake Ridge, Va., will be onstage with youngsters more than twice her age and twice her size as one of 278 spellers who have qualified for the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She’s the youngest person ever to qualify in the national bee’s 87-year-old history. Lori Anne hit all her milestones early, walking and talking well before others in her playgroup. She was reading before she was 2. She swims four times a week, keeping pace with 10-year-old boys. No one is expecting her to win the national bee this year. Just being there is a unique accomplishment, and making it beyond the preliminaries today and tomorrow would be another stunning development. The veteran spellers, some as old as 15, have honed sophisticated study methods, spending hours daily over many months in their attempts to master as much of the unabridged dictionary as possible. Lori Anne? She likes to study while jumping on her trampoline, with her mother calling out words.
I can’t wait for this little bitch to get her world rocked. Step up to the microphone and the judges drop a fuckin “zwischenspiel” all over your face. Fill up your diaper while you’re asking for the language of origin. This ain’t your 1st grade spelling bees, toots. None of that “C-O-R…are you going to the mall today??” shit. This is Scripps. I’m sure your mommy and daddy are talking you up because you know how many S’s and I’s and P’s are in Mississsispppi. You know all the Cs and Ss in necesscary. You know nife is spelled with a K and Fone is spelled with a PH. Big fuckin whoop, babe.
You’re in the big leagues now. Jumping on your trampoline while your mother calls out words ain’t gonna cut it. The Indians on stage with you don’t give a fuck if you can swim faster than the 10 year old boys. You’re in their world now. Sanjay Patel and Vasu Gupta are about to rip you a new asshole. That’s A-S-S-H-O-L-E you cocky little bitch.