Huffington Post – A 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe narrowly escaped a crocodile attack as he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off — but he lost part of his testicles and suffered a few broken bones in the melee. Jonah Maturure told the Sunday News that he’d taken off his trousers and put them in a tomato box above his head before he crossed the river. He’d crossed the same spot in the same river several times before, but this time, a giant croc was waiting for him. “I was not suspecting anything … But when I was almost in the middle of the river I was attacked,” he told the news website. “It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth … It then grabbed my hand and I could hear my bones cracking.” Realizing that he wasn’t going to save his personal possessions, he threw his tomato box in the river, The Sun reported. That move may have saved his life. The beast loosened its death grip and swam straight for the tomato box. Maturure escaped, bleeding profusely from his nethers, and ran to a nearby house for help. The battle was just one of a string of crocodile attacks recently in Gutu, an area with a spread-out population of just 78 people per mile.

Hey Chubbs thats what happens when you try to ford the river! Damn crocodile bites your dick off! Haven’t you ever played Oregon Trail dude? I’m not telling you to be a total pussy and take the ferry but at the very least you gotta caulk it.

How about this Zimbabwe bro trying to hold on to his tomato box while this croc ate his ballsack off? Hey Jonah ditch the box and save your own tomatoes. You’re about to die in a crocodile melee. You can get a new pair of pants and shit at the flea market in the Serengeti. But I’m not sure if they’re gonna have a new pair of dick and balls for sale. Reminds me of when people fall down stairs or on the dance floor at a bar but make sure they don’t spill a drop of their beer. Might break their tailbone but won’t need a new beer! Except I guess in the case of saving your Bud Light at a sporting event or a bar, theres no risk of completely losing your testicles.

PS – If I’m a 70 year old man living in Zimbabwe walking through rivers with tomato boxes and now to top it all off I lost my ballsack, I’m going right back to that river and diving in headfirst until these crocs finish me off. Being a sackless senior citizen in Zimbabwe ain’t no way to live.