CORVALLIS — Sandy McCulloch is searching for a wife, and he’s not kidding. The sign around his neck, printed on paper and fastened by string and paper clamps, explains: “Wanted: a wife.” That’s in computer-printed, bold, capital letters. Additional handwritten details describe his requirements: She must be over the age of 60, love books, have a sense of humor and live in Corvallis. At age 82, McCulloch said, it’s not easy to find someone to bring into his life. “People look for a wife for different reasons when they are 20 or 25 than when they are my age,” he said. “I’m looking for companionship.” Having acquired three ex-wives by the time he was 39, he learned volumes in the first half of his life about what not to do in a relationship. He was an emotional cripple decades ago, he said, but he has since cleaned up his act. McCulloch doesn’t stroll around just anywhere with the sign dangling from his neck. He wears it occasionally and only in specific places. Men reacted with smiles and thumbs-up gestures, some asked to take his photo and a few women offered to help with his venture. His sign led to a conversation with one woman that lasted the better part of an hour. Though she was too young to be a potential wife, they developed a warm friendship, and she agreed to meet him for lunch and help him find some candidates.

How can an old owl like this be so stupid? I thought old folks were supposed to be all wise and shit. Hey bro you’re 82 and been divorced three times. Thats 3 times you’ve broken out of jail. Three bullets you’ve dodged. You’re like a goddam cat man! Always getting into trouble and landing on your feet and shit. Don’t ruin it now. You’re almost at the finish line. You can die in peace.

Plus you don’t want a wife, man. Certainly not one thats over 60 and likes books. Sounds awful dude. You’re just bored. Lonely. You need a buddy to drink beers with. Or a hooker. Or maybe a hooker to drink beers with. Bottom line is the last thing you wanna do at the age of 82 is go through your 4th marriage. So quit walking around like some goddam donkey with a sign hanging from your neck and go to your local bar. Drink with the other old dudes down there. Get into hard drugs. And wait until you cash out of this life. Most married guys out there would kill for that.