New TimesWhen I was 19, I was dating a pill-head. He couldn’t keep his dick up so I started watching porn, and the only thing that entertained me was butt sex. So, I bought a toy and started playing with myself.

When I broke up with the pill-head I asked my neighbor Vince to help me with moving his stuff out. We were real comfortable together and I told him I was curious about my little butt so he got me into it and stuff, and I was like y’know, let’s brand it, but I want it in your handwriting. So he got a black marker, and signed my ass in big bold letters and then put 999, so when you flip me over it says 666.

When I got it tattooed, he held my cheeks open while I was choking myself from the pain. Then we ended up breaking up because he said he couldn’t see us getting married or starting a family.

As for your newfound fame?

I love it. I’m famous overnight. And I’m already all healed up and ready to go. It heals fast because the cheeks are squeezed together. No oxygen gets through. I had ten shots of Jager in me, and they’re calling me a crackhead, or a meth-head. I took a drug test that morning for probation. I’m totally against man-made drugs.

Have you ever been arrested?

The guy who had me put in jail was named Rockwood. He hated seeing Vince there when we had sex, so for his birthday I covered it up with “Rockwood” because anyway if we broke up then “I rock wood in my ass.”

So we broke up and his mom put me in jail. She thinks I’m a whore from the streets. Her son used to steal all her jewelry and pawn it for drugs, so she manipulated the detectives into believing it was me.

I was 21, I turned 22 in jail. The day I got out, her father passed away. I said, “You fucked me over, and you lost your father the day I got my freedom back, he dies, that’s karma.” I went to court over and over, and I finally got probation for 18 months to three years, but I’m not behind bars, I’m not a felon. If anything, it made me stronger.

Jail woke me up though. We were all in one big room, full of bad bitches. I was showing them all my butt hole tattoo. One girl nicknamed me “dick shit.” I still don’t know what it means. On my birthday they even made me a card that said “Fuck Hallmark, this is jailmark.”

I told them, I’m really not that sad. I got to spend it with you guys instead of Rockwood. They even hustled to make me a birthday cake. We all saved our cookies from lunch and dinner, crushed them, put them in a cup, mixed in water, put it in the microwave, and in just a few seconds it makes this cake like material. It was awesome.

Asshole Tattoo Girl! America’s new sweetheart! I’ll be perfectly honest – this is the first time I’ve read an entire interview/article about someone start to finish in like 5 years. Just never been more intrigued by a person as I was when I saw this chick with her cheeks spread grinding her teeth.

And you know what the most intriguing part of this girl’s whole story is? The fact that her first asshole tattoo said “Vince” because of some dude who helped her move. Thats just downright fascinating. And its a pretty fair exchange if you ask me. This guy Vince slaves away helping you move all your furniture. Spends a whole day trying to¬†maneuver¬†couches and recliners through doorways. Sweats his balls off trying to wiggle and slide and lift a floppy mattress up a flight of stairs. Crushes all his fingers against the wall moving dressers. And what is his reward? He gets his namesake inked onto her asshole. I’d say helping someone move and getting an asshole tattoo are about the same level of¬†commitment. Both those actions cause the same amount of pain and discomfort. Say what you want about Asshole Tattoo Girl, but don’t say she ain’t fair. I mean she kinda got burned when the dude turned around and dumped her because she wasn’t marriage material, but I guess thats just the risk you gotta take when you get ink on your sphinc.

PS – Is it crazy that I think Asshole Tattoo Girl kind of IS marriage material? I mean she surprised that second boyfriend with an asshole tattoo because he was tired of watching “Vince’s” name rub against his dick every time they fucked. Thats pretty considerate of her. Plus it sounds like she’s addicted to anal. Considerate and addicted to anal are 2 serious checks in the Marriage Material column.