1. Have a nervous breakdown in public
It’s no secret that walking around New York can be a total nightmare. People shove, they scream, they yell, they barf. Whenever I have to navigate downtown Manhattan on a day I feel stressed/ depressed/ exhausted, I’m pretty sure I walk around with the most petrified look on my face. It’s an expression that lets people know that I’m very fragile right now and to please send for help. If used in any other city, you would have a swarm of people surrounding you, asking if you’re okay. But in New York, it doesn’t merit a second glance. This all might sound bleak but it’s actually why I love living in this city.
2. Be awake for 36 hours
New Yorkers specialize in getting stuff done on little to no sleep. We also specialize in getting wasted. You haven’t really lived in New York until you’ve gone on a bender and woken up in MTV VJ John Norris’ apartment, getting spoon fed coke and listening to Bauhaus. (I’ve actually never done that before but you know…) When you live here, cray nights just happen to you on accident. You could be in bed watching TV when a friend texts you asking if you want to get drinks. So you do and four hours later, you’re at a rave making out with a boy named Skye and the sun is coming up.
3. Puke in a cab
Wait, you’re telling me you haven’t vomited in a cab while crossing the Williamsburg bridge at 4am and gotten yelled at by the cab driver? Amateur.
4. Bail on brunch plans
Brunch is like an Olympic sport around here. People DO NOT screw around. They brunch and they brunch hard. They see an opportunity for a four-hour meal with friends on a Sunday afternoon and they practically have sex with it. That being said, you wouldn’t be a true New Yorker if you just didn’t show up for brunch one day. Bailing on brunch plans is a favorite pastime of New Yorkers. I might be telling you “Yes, brunch FOR SURE tomorrow!” as I’m leaving the bar but you and I both know there’s a 12% chance (42% if there’s nothing good on TV) of that happening.
5. Contemplate moving back to wherever you came from
“Mom, Dad… New York has just been like really stressful lately. No, it’s been like really hard. I just don’t know how much longer I can live here realistically. I’m losing sight of what’s real and burning the candle at both ends. Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t kidding about this place! I don’t know if I can be a survivor like she was…”
Alright at this point I think I’m getting punked. Each and every fucking single list is worse than that next. Its all these idiots from Thought Catalog who I think purposefully wake up like “Welp, time to write some egotistical, unrealistic New York drivel to piss off KFC from Barstool.” But the truth of the matter is, whether these assholes believe the shit they write or they’re just saying it to stir the pot, somewhere deep down they are having these “I’m a New Yorker in my 20s!” thoughts and it makes me want to puke. And yes, I realize I usually start every one of these blogs with like “This one may take the cake, folks!” But this one may seriously take the fuckin cake.
1. Have a nervous breakdown in public – Which is it, bro? Are you the hardened New York veteran who can handle the commute and the homeless people and the crowded streets and subways? Or are you on the verge of breaking down? In addition bragging that you’re from a city that A) Can make you meltdown on a daily basis and B) nobody gives a fuck, does not make this city seem appealing.
2. Be awake for 36 hours -Nothin screams New Yorker in his 20′s like “Look at me! I don’t even have a bed time!”
3. Puke in a cab – If this is on any sort of bucket list of yours, you are a fucking dickhead. For so many reasons.
4. Bail on brunch plans – I’m sooo New York I make plans to do something the next day, but then guess what? I DON’T DO IT. Isn’t that just so New York?? Although I must admit I do that shit all time. “Lets do some day drinking tomorrow” and then tomorrow rolls around and I’ve got a crippling hangover and I realize I dont even like the person I made plans with. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen I’m just saying its not a “New Yorker” thing to bail on plans
5. Contemplate moving back to wherever you came from – I wish you would, bro. I wish you would.