Another Douchey List Of Things To Do Living As A New Yorker In Your 20s
1. Have a nervous breakdown in public
It’s no secret that walking around New York can be a total nightmare. People shove, they scream, they yell, they barf. Whenever I have to navigate downtown Manhattan on a day I feel stressed/ depressed/ exhausted, I’m pretty sure I walk around with the most petrified look on my face. It’s an expression that lets people know that I’m very fragile right now and to please send for help. If used in any other city, you would have a swarm of people surrounding you, asking if you’re okay. But in New York, it doesn’t merit a second glance. This all might sound bleak but it’s actually why I love living in this city.
2. Be awake for 36 hours
New Yorkers specialize in getting stuff done on little to no sleep. We also specialize in getting wasted. You haven’t really lived in New York until you’ve gone on a bender and woken up in MTV VJ John Norris’ apartment, getting spoon fed coke and listening to Bauhaus. (I’ve actually never done that before but you know…) When you live here, cray nights just happen to you on accident. You could be in bed watching TV when a friend texts you asking if you want to get drinks. So you do and four hours later, you’re at a rave making out with a boy named Skye and the sun is coming up.
3. Puke in a cab
Wait, you’re telling me you haven’t vomited in a cab while crossing the Williamsburg bridge at 4am and gotten yelled at by the cab driver? Amateur.
4. Bail on brunch plans
Brunch is like an Olympic sport around here. People DO NOT screw around. They brunch and they brunch hard. They see an opportunity for a four-hour meal with friends on a Sunday afternoon and they practically have sex with it. That being said, you wouldn’t be a true New Yorker if you just didn’t show up for brunch one day. Bailing on brunch plans is a favorite pastime of New Yorkers. I might be telling you “Yes, brunch FOR SURE tomorrow!” as I’m leaving the bar but you and I both know there’s a 12% chance (42% if there’s nothing good on TV) of that happening.
5. Contemplate moving back to wherever you came from
“Mom, Dad… New York has just been like really stressful lately. No, it’s been like really hard. I just don’t know how much longer I can live here realistically. I’m losing sight of what’s real and burning the candle at both ends. Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t kidding about this place! I don’t know if I can be a survivor like she was…”
Alright at this point I think I’m getting punked. Each and every fucking single list is worse than that next. Its all these idiots from Thought Catalog who I think purposefully wake up like “Welp, time to write some egotistical, unrealistic New York drivel to piss off KFC from Barstool.” But the truth of the matter is, whether these assholes believe the shit they write or they’re just saying it to stir the pot, somewhere deep down they are having these “I’m a New Yorker in my 20s!” thoughts and it makes me want to puke. And yes, I realize I usually start every one of these blogs with like “This one may take the cake, folks!” But this one may seriously take the fuckin cake.
1. Have a nervous breakdown in public – Which is it, bro? Are you the hardened New York veteran who can handle the commute and the homeless people and the crowded streets and subways? Or are you on the verge of breaking down? In addition bragging that you’re from a city that A) Can make you meltdown on a daily basis and B) nobody gives a fuck, does not make this city seem appealing.
2. Be awake for 36 hours -Nothin screams New Yorker in his 20′s like “Look at me! I don’t even have a bed time!”
3. Puke in a cab – If this is on any sort of bucket list of yours, you are a fucking dickhead. For so many reasons.
4. Bail on brunch plans – I’m sooo New York I make plans to do something the next day, but then guess what? I DON’T DO IT. Isn’t that just so New York?? Although I must admit I do that shit all time. “Lets do some day drinking tomorrow” and then tomorrow rolls around and I’ve got a crippling hangover and I realize I dont even like the person I made plans with. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen I’m just saying its not a “New Yorker” thing to bail on plans
5. Contemplate moving back to wherever you came from – I wish you would, bro. I wish you would.
hipster dickweeds…of course its the williamsburg bridge they’re puking on
Brunch is like an Olympic sport around here. People DO NOT screw around. They brunch and they brunch hard
This is the worst thing ever written. Its fucking brunch. Get over yourself. 100 percent this was written by a chick because no dude puts that much thought into brunch
Saying you’ll do something when you’re drunk and then be too hungover to actually do it? That really is a New York thing. Everyone else I know gets shitfaced on Saturday night but is ALWAYS ready for hungover brunch with your idiot friends the next day. In fact, I don’t even know another city that offers brunch on Sundays. That’s crazy talk. New York really is an amazing place.
Douchebags.
KFC your version of number 4 is spot on. And I fucking hate these people who write the original lists. There’s also nothing worse than a preppy douche 20s rich bro living in the city.
@goosen..either that or it was written by a gay..gay people definitely call it brunch
Can apply to any rage-worthy city.
If you think I’m stopping to ask you what’s wrong in center city Philadelphia your fucking high.
nice KFC. I’m with you 100%. Also, what asshole is going to Williamsburgh at 4am? NO ONE. And you know why? Because Williamsburgh is filled is annoying as fuck hipsters. As far as I’m concerned, they’re Nazis who should be burned at the stake.
also, this is another example of why women aren’t good at things like being funny or applying logic. stupid bitch
I would re-write the list.
Thought Catalog:
1 nyc is a shithole, plain and simple.
2 no amount of cleaning will ever scrape off the millions of layers of pure deification laid upon it.
3 the people suck, the jobs suck, the apartments are pretty much the worst in the world.
4 there is no quality of life, unless you like dying.
These types of self-righteous asshole New Yorkers make me sick. Hipster douchebags who think NYC is some magical land because there are bars everywhere, and look bodegas!
Such losers and dickheads. Get over yourselves, NYC is not the magic epicenter of the world. It’s a crowded filthy city with overpriced shit.
people who draw attention to the fact that they live/lived in NYC are the worst. it’s a fucking city, bro. it’s not as dangerous as it’s made out to be, so you can throw the “tough new yorker” cliche right out the window. they’re not as tough as much as they are rude, really. and only half the people there are even regular new yorkers, the rest are various foreigners, hasidic jews, people who moved there for jobs, or just assholes who heard sinatra say they could make it anywhere if they made it there, and their parents were wealthy enough to buy them an apartment in park slope so they could “try to make it”. i’m sorry, new york just doesn’t impress me. it just has a lot of the things other cities have a little of (clubs, restaurants, museums, shopping, etc), it’s like a Costco of cities, just bulk wholesale. and the stuff it has that other cities don’t is all dumb shit i could give a fuck about (the stock exchange, the UN, etc). not saying it’s a bad place, it just doesn’t blow me away, that’s all. it’s just big. do you want a medal for that?
just moved to nyc, so you’re sayin i SHOULDN’T throw up in a cab? come on