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ORLANDO, Fla. - An Orlando man faces charges after admitting to putting his 5-year-old daughter in the trunk of his car because she was misbehaving at church. Johnny Nguyen, 50, was arrested Sunday after a witness across the street from the Church of the Nazarene on Walnut Street in Orlando told police that she saw him throw the child in the trunk and keep her there for about a minute. The witness told police that she called 911 while her husband yelled at Nguyen to take the girl out. Nguyen told Local 6 that he loves his daughter and was trying to discipline her because she was misbehaving in church. Nguyen also said the back seats of the vehicle were down, so there was more air in the trunk. Police said the temperature at the time of the incident was 97 degrees.  It’s not known how hot it was inside the trunk. Nguyen was arrested on charges of child abuse.

I’m pretty sure there were times my mother was ready to throw me in the fucking Boo Box after misbehaving in church. Forget about the trunk of a car. After an hour in church with me crawling around the pews and banging the knee rests on the ground and fucking with my brother and shit, I’m pretty sure she contemplated putting me in a treasure chest and dropping poisonous scorpions in there with me one by one.

Now that never happened. Usually just a quick yank on my arm and a few expletives in my ear calmed me down. But I don’t come from an Asian family. They operate by different rules. When you got a name spelled N-G-U-Y-E-N and its pronounced “win,” you’re pretty much resigned to the fact that at some point your father is going to lock you in the trunk of a car. You’ve got a Tiger Mother and a Samurai Father and punishment for you is gonna take the form of torture and abuse. You’re lucky he didn’t make you commit seppuku after that shit. Sorry. Facts are facts. Don’t misbehave at church.

NGUYENING!