Daily MailAuthor and sex instructor Nicole Daedone clearly has something more artisanal in mind than the creaking coitus of your average married couple. She is teaching, as the book’s subtitle has it, The Art And Craft Of The Female Orgasm, which, she claims, with the right partner and advanced technique, can last for anything up to four months. No, that’s not a mistake: four whole months.  How on earth would anyone find the time to eat or work, let alone put out the bins or floss their teeth? Back here in the land of the ten-second orgasm, most of us are more concerned about the fact we find it hard to squeeze in a proper conversation with our spouses than anything else. In Daedone’s world, however, women can experience a four-month orgasm through the applied practice of ‘orgasmic meditation’, or OM, which allows them to live in a continually aroused state that helps them embrace all areas of their life with sensuality and vigour. Daedone writes in her introduction: ‘It’s a way that any man can bring out the orgasm in any woman, in just 15 minutes.’ The reason Daedone uses the phrase ‘bring out’ is: ‘I have never met a woman who is not, right now, at this moment, orgasmic.’ She argues: ‘Orgasm is the body’s ability to receive and respond to pleasure. Pure and simple. Climax is often a part of orgasm, but it is not the sum total. The answer to the age-old conundrum is disarmingly (or deceptively) simple. She advocates stroking. The concentration must be so total that all other distractions are removed. The man keeps his clothes on and the woman only removes her garments from her bottom half. The stroking takes place in a prescribed manner (see the book for full instructions and graphic illustrations unsuitable for a family newspaper), on a home-assembled stroker’s nest (basically a soft mat and a couple of cushions) in a condition of Zen-like tranquillity and — this may scare off those who have stayed with me thus far — with the lights on. The woman’s job is to concentrate ‘mindfully’ on the sensations she feels, without letting her thoughts run to grocery lists. The man is supposed to describe what he sees and provide a running commentary.

So let me get this straight. I lay my girl down on a bunch of pillows, leave all my clothes on, stroke her and give a running commentary about all the clothed-stroking I’m doing, and I’ll give her an orgasm that will last her through the winter?

Yea. Sure thing. See you there.

The problem is these people just define orgasm as some perpetual state of being aroused. Thats not an orgasm thats called being fucking horny. If thinking about sex all the time is having an orgasm I’ve been coming since I was 12 years old. Just shooting my mental load for 14 straight years. Thats not an orgasm. Its the same thing with these tantric yoga people like Sting who say they can have sex for 6 straight hours. Its because they define sex as rubbing and and rolling around and breathing together and all that other gay shit. Yea I can do that for 6 hours too but once we hit penetration we’re looking at a 13-17 minute window of my dick being able to pump in and out of your vagina. 5 hours and 45 minutes of me fingering you and 15 minutes of me having sex is not 6 hours of having sex.

Just like some chick getting tickled and thinking happy thoughts is gonna make her come. This isn’t like trying to fly in Never Never Land with Tinkerbell. This is trying to get some broad off. Its literally the hardest thing in the world to do. Lifting a car over your head is easier than giving a chick an orgasm. More often than not it will take me 4 months to give you one, but it sure as fuck ain’t lasting 4 months for you.