Manti Te’o's fake dead girlfriend has sparked the world with Fake Fever. Why? Because people love fake shit. Reality sucks. Reality for most people is probably that you’re fat and ugly and unlikeable and poor and nobody will ever love you or fuck you. So what do you do? You make up fake shit so you don’t end up killing yourself from reality depression. Its why people play the SIMS and Warcraft and shit. So here’s a list of the best fake stuff that the world has to offer:
The Fake Orgasm
Fake orgasms are the only thing that keep the human race alive. Without fake orgasms, sex may completely stop altogether and procreation will come to a halt. The Female Orgasm is a myth so the Fake Orgasm is all chicks got. To be honest I think chicks fake it so much sometimes they lose a firm grip on what real orgasms are. Like Leonardo Dicaprio in Inception – they’re not sure whats fake or whats real anymore. They’ve gotten so good at moaning and screaming they can fool any man…and themselves. In a way the Fake Orgasm has become the real orgasm. Plus from a male point of view I have no fucking problem with you giving me your best Meryl Streep and giving me the green light to finish up. Chances are I’m tired and cramping up anyway. Everyone wins with a Fake Orgasm.
They ain’t fake if I can touch em! Sure, some chicks get cheap boob jobs and have awful D cups instead of normal B cups. But for every botched boob job theres a girl out there who went from an A to a C and we’re none the wiser. Just another lovely set of Ts for us to look at and dream of seeing naked. Fake Tits are about as American as it gets. Its like “Whats that? God didn’t bless me with tits? But I’m American I’ll just buy a pair!” Amen to that! If it weren’t for Fake Tits the Pamela Andersons and the Carmen Electra’s of the world wouldn’t exist. Porn wouldn’t the same. Strippers wouldn’t be as intriguing. Boob jobs make flat girls less self conscious and gives dudes boners. And that, my friends, is a real life miracle.
Fake IDs were absolutely awesome. Primarily because the time of life that you need a fake ID is one of the best periods of life. You’re partying for the first time. You’re getting laid for the first time. Its a glorious time all made possible by a little fake piece of plastic that says your age. Sneaking into bars. Buying booze at the gas station. Every time you step up to a bouncer its the most exhilarating feeling ever. You’ve got your name and address memorized. Including the zip code. Trying to play it cool, but not too cool that he knows you’re trying to play it cool. And then when you get in, you open up the door to a magical world of booze and sluts looking to have sex.
PS – To all my New York Stoolies how fucking great was chalking your ID? Getting out the colored pencils and whipping up a 21 ID was probably the most creative artistic thing I’ve ever done. Turning 5s into 1s and 2s and 3s through the magic of black and white colored pencils. And don’t forget about the red expiration in the bottom corner. Classic.
One of the rarest and most exciting plays in all of sports. It takes balls of steel to call it and pinpoint precision to execute it. If it goes wrong, everyone looks like an asshole. If it goes right, everyone is a genius and a hero. As a fan there’s nothing better. You’re always screaming at your TV to go for it on 4th and you see the field goal unit come out and you know you’re settling for 3. For sure not. A little dipsy doo trickeration and you’re going completely bananas. If I could sneak into a bar with a fake ID, take home a girl with fake tits, and give her a fake orgasm while my team pulls off a fake field goal, I could fake die a happy man.
And last but not least – Fake Girlfriends
When I was a kid I had a fake girlfriend. Her name was Jennifer. She looked like Jamie Powell from Charles in Charge but she was named after Marty McFly’s girlfriend in Back To The Future. Every time I was playing make believe that was my bitch. I don’t know whether that makes me a pervert or just really creative and imaginative but I had one. And I know I’m not alone. There’s a million variations of the Fake Girlfriend. It doesn’t have to necessarily be one that died from leukemia to bolster your Heisman chances. It could be a Fake Girlfriend you make up when an ugly fat girl is trying to talk to you at the bar. “Be right back I gotta call my girlfriend!” Could be the Fake Girlfriend when a smoke is talking to you at the bar. “Yea my last girlfriend…she cheated on me. I was heartbroken. I thought she was the one.” blah blah blah Sympathy Card. It could be the Fake Girlfriend you make up when you run into your real ex-girlfriend. “Hey! Nice to see you! You look great! I gotta run though, gonna go fuck my girlfriend’s fake tits!” It could be the Fake Girlfriend you create to cover up that you’re gay. “Hey Dad! Yea I’m dating this really great chick. No you can’t meet her she lives in California.” Or it could just be the girl you lie about because you don’t wanna be the World of Warcraft loser who’s never been laid. “Oh yea she had great tits. Felt like a bag of sand.” Bottom line is a Fake Girlfriend is one of the most useful fabrications in the history of lying.