Its another new Friday feature here on Barstool New York. This time we’re paying homage to the demented retards in the comments section. For the most part the comments section has devolved into a lame string of people complaining about us giving away free shit, advertisements, or babbling about which writers they like and don’t like. Pointless shit. But there’s always a few comments here and there from the funny Stoolies that actually add to the quality of the blog. Here’s a handful of the best from this week:

#5 - Brazilian Chick Posions Her Pussy To Kill Her Husband When He Goes Down On Her – Commenter: GetAtMe23 - “If it doesn’t taste like a roll of quarters, it’s poisoned.”  Just spot on. It tastes like quarters.

#4 - 29 Year Old Woman Refuses To have Sex Ever Again - Commenter – herbie versmells – “she looks like she went to the plastic surgeon and said “doc, make me ugly enough so not even the barstool sports greaseballs would want to have sex with me” and he did an excellent job” Thats the harshest description of an ugly girl I’ve ever seen.

#3 - NYPD Cannibal Cop Blames Trying To Murder And Eat 100 Women On Cameron Diaz For Her Role In The Mask - Commenter – BearDown34 – “Cameron Diaz was my first boner too. Nearly split at the tip like a hotdog thats been in the microwave too long..” The imagery there is just amazing.

#2 – Top 5 Reasons Men Get Married - Commenter – TigersHoPatrol - “Bravo! My shit bag wife left almost a year and I’ve never been happier. Lap dances, guitars, trips, sex with different girls. Single is WAY better than being married.” 2 things – 1) Calling your wife a shitbag is hilarious. Its not fancy, just right to the point. 2) “Guitars” absolutely slayed me. I don’t even understand the context. This dude now just has free reign to buy lap dances and as many guitars as he wants.

#1 – Dan Marino Secretly Knocked Up A Chick In 2005 - Commenter – DoctorJac – “He gave her the old Roger Pedactor” Unreal Ace Ventura reference. I will undoubtedly be saying “give her the old Roger Pedactor” from now on anytime anything sexual with a chick happens.

Tune in next week for the top 5 that Stoolies have to offer.