NEWSER) – The healthification of New Yorkers continues, whether they want it or not. Mayor Michael Bloomberg has forced restaurants to post calorie counts, increased smoking bans, and taken away jumbo sodas. Now he’s aiming to eliminate Styrofoam containers. Yes, the Bloomberg administration is thinking about a ban on all Styrofoam cups and containers, as part of the mayor’s pledge to double household recycling to 30% of all garbage by 2017. “The [recycling] machinery wasn’t really built to handle Styrofoam,” said a city sanitation official. “If something is not recyclable, we want to find an alternative for that packaging or product.” The effort would be a green one in more ways than one: Recycling earns the city money, reports the New York Post. Garbage costs $86 per ton to process, while recycling earns the city $10 to $14 per ton, depending on the substance. Plenty of restaurants and food trucks are predictably outraged at the latest proposed intrusion, but officials note that several other cities (ie, Seattle) already have Styrofoam bans.
Half the city is still in ruins from Hurricane Sandy. Subway deaths every other day. But lets crack down on the styrofoam! First thing’s first, anyone who believes in recycling is a sucker. Recycling is the biggest sham of all time. If you actually think they separate the glass and the plastic and the cardboard and they boil it down and smush it together and reuse those materials for something you’re just an idiot. Garbage is garbage. Period.
Anyway, back to the styrofoam. I kinda like styrofoam. First and foremost because I like to chew on them and leave teeth marks along the rim. But also particularly because styrofoam like the most damaging material known to Earth’s environment. I think styrofoam is like the only matter on earth that can withstand nuclear holocaust. Its the most harmful, man made, artificial, thing we’ve ever produced. Thats so American. I kinda wanna preserve that American message of “We don’t give a fuck about the environment or the future.” Leave that shit for Seattle. Here in New York I wanna preserve that way of life. Kinda like Denis Leary in his Asshole song. I wanna smoke cigarettes and drink 64 ozs of salty soda in Styrofoam cups! And when I’m done suckin’ down that bucket of Coke I’m gonna wipe my mouth on the American flag and then toss the Styrofoam cups right out the side, and there ain’t a God-damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that’s why!