fail

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – An 11-year-old boy gets high marks in storytelling after staging a hoax to cover up his bad grades. Police said the boy faked his kidnapping Friday to avoid bringing home a bad report card, saying that a man with a pistol snatched him after he left Ed White Middle School. The boy said the man forced him into a “beat-up car” and threatened to kill him. The student said he escaped by jumping out of the car but wasn’t able to grab his bookbag, which contained the report card.  He ran to his grandparents’ house and later confessed to lying. His grandfather called police to apologize.  Sgt. Mark Roberts said police were suspicious that the boy was able to “escape” with his band instrument, but not his bookbag.  Roberts said the boy faces no charges at this time.

Well I applaud the effort Little Man, but this kind of sloppy performance isn’t gonna get shit done.  First off, we need to address your whole persona here.  If you’re failing in school and lying to the Feds about getting kidnapped, what the fuck are you doing in the band?  Ditch the trumpet and start getting rusty trombones underneath the bleachers dude, because you’re basically a Middle School Badass.  Chicks get wet for rebels in the 5th grade.  I’m living proof – I peaked at getting ass when I was 11 because I would always go headhunting during dodgeball.  Chicks couldn’t resist me because I didn’t give a shit.  So fuck grades and reports cards, you should probably just run with the whole “escaped from a gun toting kidnapper” and accumalte as many hand jobs as possible.  Kid’s dick would probably fall off by Winter Break.