TelegraphRaymond Hodgson, 31, was charged with common assault after being appalled to discover that his partner of five years, Emma McCormick, had been reading the racy book. The pair had been in a relationship for four or five years, though both still live with their respective parents. Miss Harris said: “Mr Hodgson thought that the book was pornographic, and that she should not read such literature. ”The argument continued into the following day, with the two exchanging text messages.” That conversation, which included some discussion of private family issues, left Hodgson feeling angry. Mrs Harris said: “He went to her home at 7pm on June 26 and took with him a bottle of brown sauce. ”She answered the door and the argument continued. ”She went to close the door and he jammed his foot into the door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her with this bottle of sauce.” When interviewed by the police, Hodgson said he felt Fifty Shades of Grey was a ‘distasteful’ and ‘pornographic’ book. Miss Harris said: “He said he had every intention of squirting sauce over Miss McCormick, but he now regrets having done this, realising how stupid it sounds. ”He didn’t realise that the sauce incident would be classed as an assault. He is sorry for his actions.” He said that he did what he did to Miss McCormick to show her what saucy really meant.

You really taught her a lesson, Raymond! Covered that bitch in barbecue and showed her the true meaning of “saucy!” Now you can go back to not having sex with her and living with your mother while you work through this assault charge. Meanwhile your girlfriend is probably lubing up a cucumber with that BBQ sauce right now blasting herself since she’s turned into a bonafide freak and needs to get off because her boyfriend won’t fuck her.

Listen fellas, 50 Shades of Grey is the greatest thing that has happened to your sex life since birth control. And I’m not exaggerating one bit. This book convinced women all across America to become sex slaves, push the envelope with the kinkiness, AND convinced them that its actually something that is empowering to them even though you’re tying them up and treating them like a porn star. Thats preposterous. I’m convinced E.L. James is actually a dude and they just send that chick out there to pretend she wrote it. Like Ernie Leroy James just wrote a book about fucking and convinced chicks its for them. And most girls are like “Well its all about pleasing the girl. She gets an orgasm every time they have sex.” Yea well guess what toots? 50 Shades of Grey is still a work of fiction. JRR Tolkien’s books influenced the world too but nobody expects Hobbits to actually exist, right?

But bottom line is, if you’re trying to stop your girlfriend from reading 50 Shades of Grey, you probably just shouldn’t have a girlfriend in the first place.