Brooklyn Paper - Jedi Master Flynn Michael is searching the galaxy far and wide for his stolen lightsaber — and you, Brooklyn Paper readers, may be his only hope. The Bedford-Stuyvesant engineer was at a Myrtle Avenue bar last fall when a thief snatched what Obi-Wan Kenobi once described as “an elegant weapon for a more civilized age” — a $400 custom sword Michael used to teach young Jedi honor and self-esteem. “Who steals somebody’s lightsaber? It’s like stealing someone’s toy out of the sandbox,” said Michael, the founder of New York Jedi, a stage combat performance group. “I finally got my uber custom saber, and then some jerk walks out with it. “I guess that’s the joke — some Jedi I turned out to be,” he said. On Sept. 22, Brooklyn’s own Obi-Wan met some padawans at Project Parlor and set his saber beneath the bar. A few hours later, at about 2:13 am, a bearded dark lord grabbed it and fled, according to Michael. In “Star Wars” lore, a Jedi builds his own laser sword so it is as unique as its owner. Michael crafted his brand for the character of a Tibetan Jedi, using an orange laser and a hilt with drawings of two Tibetan foo dogs and a lotus. “It was perfect,” he said. “It really reflected my performance style.”

There’s a few things you just don’t do in this world. You don’t touch another man’s wife. You don’t touch another man’s iPod during a party. And you don’t touch another man’s fucking lightsaber. Especially not when its got a hilt with drawings of two Tibetan foo dogs and a lotus. You just don’t do it. Like what is that random guy gonna do with Flynn Michael’s saber? It doesn’t even reflect his performance style. It was an uber custom saber tailored to the fighting style of Jedi Flynn. Its like stealing someone’s shoes that don’t fit you.

By the same token though, maybe you should take care of your light saber bro? This isn’t just like you got your scarf stolen at the bar. You lost your fuckin laser sword. What the fuck would Obi Wan have to say about this? Sittin at the hipster bars in Brooklyn slugging beers and ripping shots and you lose the most elegant weapon the world has ever seen. Thats not ever Jedi of you. I’m pretty sure one of the lessons that Yoda taught Luke in the swamps of Dagobah was that if you ever bring your saber out to the bar, you check that shit. That shit is Jedi 101.

PS – If I ever stumble across a crew of self proclaimed Jedis at the bar you can bet the fucking RENT I am trying to steal one of their light sabers.