NY Post – A Brooklyn man faked his own kidnapping because he was terrified of his lover’s wrath. Rahmell Pettway, 36, told cops he spent two weeks away from his Bedford-Stuyvesant home — and then staged the crime to explain his absence to his girlfriend. But his poorly executed plan unraveled when the cops who found him hog-tied in the street noticed the roll of duct tape still dangling from his wrists. He eventually came clean, and was arrested for filing a false report. “He’s a total moron,” said one law-enforcement source. “It was a pathetic attempt to pull the wool [over] her eyes.” Pettway was first discovered by a passerby at 1:10 a.m. Thursday between two cars on Macon Street. His hands, legs and mouth were covered with duct tape and the rogue Romeo looked beaten up, complaining about pain in his ribs. Pettway, who also goes by the last name Wallace, was transported to Woodhull Hospital. He initially “couldn’t recall” what had happened, but later told police two men in a light-blue minivan abducted him on Feb. 19 near Bainbridge Street and Reid Avenue. He claimed his captors covered his eyes and hauled him to parts unknown before dumping him on Macon Street near Malcolm X Boulevard weeks later. But authorities grew suspicious of his account, and Pettway soon confessed to the hoax, saying he had gone AWOL for a couple of weeks and was terrified of facing his significant other.

I feel you, Rahmell. I feel you. I get scared when I say I’ll be home for dinner and I end up having a few extra beers at the bar and I’m an hour late. If I disappeared for 2 weeks I’d just flat out kill myself. I’d be like “well if I’m dead theres no way she can yell at me.” And I’m sure all you hardos out there are like “You pussy KFC! Be a man! In my household I wear the pants! What I say goes!” Yea fucking right, pal. Either you’re delusional or you just don’t have an actual girlfriend. If you’re a dude and you don’t have a woman to answer to, you’re just a single guy. You don’t have a girlfriend. That, or she’s fucking some other dude’s dick so she doesn’t care where you are or what you do. So spare me the whole “you’re a pussy!” routine. Any guy with a real girlfriend or wife knows.

Bottom line is when you’re staring down the barrel of your chick going on a rampage and throwing a hissy fit, concocting a 2 week kidnapping ruse is not that bad of an idea. Like this guy’s only misstep was leaving the roll of duct tape on his wrists – otherwise he was absolutely in the right frame of mind.  Next time I’m a little late for dinner I might just pull a Walter White and get naked and go walk around the grocery store. Sorry babe I was in a fugue state. I smell like Bud Light and buffalo wings but trust me, is a fugue state. You can’ be mad at me.