NIAGARA FALLS – A disagreement over mashed potatoes turned dangerous over the weekend when a victim said tempers escalated and a woman came at her with box cutters. Shaquina S. Hill, 23, of Fourth Street was charged with second-degree menacing and second-degree harassment as a result, city police said. An 18-year-old woman told police she and Hill argued about mashed potatoes just before 9 p.m. Sunday at a Fourth Street address, and things escalated from there. The younger woman told police Hill grabbed box cutters and waved them at her, then dropped the knife and started throwing things at her, including a heavy ceramic vase and coffee table. She told police Hill also punched her in the chest.

Theres only one theoretical argument this could have been, and it has to center around lumps in the mashed potatoes. Right? Thats the only mashed potatoes dispute worth attacking someone with a box cutter. If you serve me mashed potatoes with lumps theres a good chance I wanna murder you in cold blood. I’ll suppress my feelings and I’ll eat your lumpy potatoes and I’ll thank you for dinner, but just know that on the inside I was dreaming of ways to kill you. Because there is NOTHING worse than mashed potatoes with lumps in it. A close second is orange juice with pulp. A distant third is ruining a perfectly good brownie with weird nuts. But the King of the Castle when it comes to messing up delicious food and drink is the Lumpy Mashed potatoes. I’d rather find lumps on my ballsack than a lump in my mashed potatoes.